When you're stranded in Equestria. Stuck in the body of an alicorn, but being uncapable of using your powers. And when even the smallest thing that has significance that you do, isn't remembered by anypony. And when nopony can even see that you're an alicorn.
Then what do you do?
You kidnap the new princess in a desperate struggle for attention.
The fact that the one who gave you the powers, namely Discord, isn't really helping you in this is another factor.
Note: shipping will come, someday, just not today.
Note 2: this story began before i knew that season three would feature a Twilight turned alicorn too, so this idea is somewhat original (i hope).
Note 3: Because even my prereader missed it, the main character is a brony.
I gots a prereader: Tsaukpaetra
lol This is funny, you get a like from me. x3
DUCK!
I like It so far keep up the good work.
2161895
Wait, whut. Someone actually gives feedback. That's a rare thing.
But thanks, I have no plans to change my writing or to stop altogether.
So that is a good thing.
Ha!
I like the idea no doubt but would just like to say something ive noticed.
)
i hope the down votes aren't causing you any bother, just because someone down votes does not mean that your story stinks, it means it is not to thier preference and they are just being haters.
You should not take any notice to any down votes unless someone comments telling you why or how you might improve upon your story.
Just thought about that,
Anyways, keep up the good work.
(P.S. Your not the only one this happens too, im a reading addict and am following quite a few stories, but i have this weird... desire, for lack of a better word, to find every single grammatical error. D: stupid grammar teacher
Another P.S. OMG THANK GOD FOR THE UPDATE I HAVE LIKE 12 STORIES IM FOLLOWING AND THEY ALL SEEM TO UPDATE AROUND THE SAME DAMN TIME. IM STARVING HELP ME!!!!!!
2189984
i try to update every other day, but a test week is coming up. So that will become a bit less.
I already noticed and I annoys me, but I keep writing non the less. So that is no problem.
If you want to find every grammatical error, read the first chapter of my story 'The Choice'. I will be surprised if you will even be alive after that.
Do you dare challenge my resistance to OCD? your straying into dangerous territory. MY OCD is powerful but my hatred of grammar is more so.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
You win....
i didnt get past the first paragraph...
I couldnt even read it halfway through because my head was trying to process what you were trying to say and my eyes were reading the next sentence...
It would be OCD dream come true to edit that :P
2194271
I still need to repair that first part, but the rest is way better. I wrote that part almost one year ago, when i had almost no writing experience.
Sorry cant "reply" on iPhone
<(currently my favorite ponycon ;3)
Are we really having a conversation about grammatical errors of a story in the comments section of a completely seperate story... Wow, ever since I found this site my life has been
Anyways,we should probably stop lest we scare some readers off
Ugh I'm tired 3:30am CURSE THIS ADDICTION
2196562
I am at school now. But I write until 1 am.
Ok do it whole in bed using the notes app till I get bore and fall asleep STOP REPLYING SO I CAN GET SOME SLEEP
"I do it in bed" curse the autocorrect
BUCK (fuck? buck? *shrugs*) YES finally :D yay yay yay
More too read! alas i cannot read it now, maybe later on tonight or maybe just plain later on. :)
Cliff hanger! Dun dun dun, spotted a few grammatical errors
"I know, of have seen, that a hard kick..." Don't know what that's supposed to say. Probably should get rid of of have seen to be safe
*thinking about ditzy " if that are even thier names" that should be those maybe put a real in front of names
"Maybe after I'm done paying of rainbow..." Of to off ofc
"Maybe, I if I have enough bits..." Remove extra I please ^_^
"For that matter, where in the show am I" ???
"I have seen no major events that I have seen back on earth and I was in no mood to ask." Don't know what you meant here but I bet you do
"I zoned out out so hard I didn't notice that I was approaching..." Verb tense agreement zoned should be zoned.
"When I was close enough to hear them I stood right behind them." Verb agreement are you saying when you were close enough to hear them that you were standing behind them?
"Namely, yell "BOO" really hard behind them..." We already know your behind them but I don't think it matters that you said it again. Hard isn't the right word, however, I do believe "loud" is
I hope this doesn't come off as me saying that better than you or that you have lots of issues or any of that shit. Just seeing what I can do to help out ^_^. Btw
BOO
Damn phone I meant zone instead of zoned as a replacement
2221454
it does help, and no it doesn't come over as saying that you're better that me.
Part is me having no pre-readers, part is that i'm not native english and part is that i'm lazy.
thanks anyway.
2221454
Done, corrected most of it.
Glad to know I can be of assistance to you.
I think im getting pretty good at this
, anyways, double kill! i get to read some more and help you at the same time. WIN! so without further ado, some things i found.
"What happens is that two little fillies soar through the air and over the heads of Applebloom and the rest." I would say rewrite this to be more of a continue from what just happened. something like "The two fillies (or you can state their names) go soaring into the air over Applebloom and her friends." Again, not necessary but i think it sounds better
"...the few second..." Either "their few seconds" or "the few seconds" the their doesn't matter that much
"...their mouth hanging..." mouth(s)
"...making me feel a little bad..." A little is one of those filler phrases, I'd advise you not to use it.
"My father will hear about this and they you..." they -> then
"...yelling and getting dirt all over her." Shouldnt it be mud not dirt? since they are in a MUD puddle XD
"I say while grinning a bit as..." the while should be removed.
"I help her up and walk silently besides her as I go towards the orchard with miss. Grumpy Pants." besides -> beside; miss doesnt require a . after it, thats just Mr. and Mrs. Remove as i go, it restates the verb
Purely cosmetic "He grumbles some." some is not needed and sounds silly
“did one a them..." capital D
"...with an happier..." an -> a
"... her and her friend." friend(s)
"Nnope, just make..." i believe proper Mac lingo is Enope or Eenope
"He looks at me with a questioning face before giving his trademark..." this sentence sounds weird the way you wrote it, better usage would be
"He gives me a questioning look then his trademark..."
"As I reach the last amount of trees I am pretty spent. So when I am finally done with the trees I walk into the barn for a reviving glass of water." Should put already spent. it tells the reader that you are getting tired AS your finishing up, so when you do you go in for a glass of water. Speaking of which (completely off topic) how do ponies drink out of glasses?
"“Are you done?” I ask while grabbing a glass of water."
"“I sure am.” She says while wiping the water of the sink’s edge." i put these together because they contain the same problem, while. in both sentences the while can be replaced with a (,) using the same word a lot doesn't work too well. also Applebloom lingo, "Ah sure am."
" She says cheery." cheery -> cheerily
"“Good luck.” I say while she rushes..." tut tut another while, this one should be replaced with as
Purely cosmetic "to take a nap at one of the large trees." at one -> under one
"I wake up because I think that I heard a noise." no offense but when your sleeping you don't have any real brain activity, therefore you cant "wake yourself" up if you "think" you heard something. "... because i hear a noise."
"That I hear the sound again"; "Then I hear the sound again," repetition, pick one you want to keep and if you keep the first one, that -> then
All around good conversation chapter, nice setup too. you put the protagonist in the middle of a giant apple field far from any help. BigMac is gone somewhere, Applebloom is out crusading, and grannyapple is of no help in the current situation. Now we get into the guardian part of the story
I would like to point out that I'm not a professional editor, i do have flaws, feel free to contradict any one of these suggestions, i enjoy feedback almost, if not more than most people
Also some things i didn't mention due to the fact that they were small and the brain would immediately fill them in. you did have some comma issues in the beginning of the story. If you have time you should probably read your chapters out loud to yourself in order to find some of the mistakes.
And now, i bid you ado
2231522
Thanks for the help, again.
Maybe you can pre-read it?
And ponies drink with their hooves and... uhm... magic?
FYI: most of the mistakes can be chalked up to me not being a native and being so lazy that i almost never go over a written word twice once it is on the pc.
I'll to catch some things, but things always slip through.
EDIT: finished your list of things that i need to do.
2232956I would love to be able to pre read it for you but my schedule is not set and sometimes i may not be able to access the computer for a couple days, im just about to take my SAT tests (if you dont know its a test that takes 4 hours and has a big impact on college) im about to take some classes in college and just now got a job. if you still want to try it out, i can send you my email and then i might be able to do it in the mornings, it doesnt take me that long to read the 1000 words you write
Completely off topic: HA HA i finally fixed my posting problem,noscript can be useful at sometimes and others... it can be a pain in the ass.
2233644
I would love it if you can pre-read, but our schedule probably aren't parallel, so that will cause some problems.
Just keep the comments with corrections coming.
2234022 will do
2234147
and one mustache shaped like gummy.
you have many thanks and a mustache
First off, haven't read it. Yet, reading now, just wanted to let you know that this is one of those times I said. I won't be able to access computer until tomorrow when I will gladly go over it and comment the errors
I like where this story is going, it is a nice piece in my digital collection of stories I read. So long for now, and have a nice day 
Just read it, right off the bat there are some spelling errors. My main concern is that your overusing the pronoun I too much. Start your sentences with "going over... To the kitchen I" just an example not a correction. Anyways, after our hero wakes up with a mean hangover I wonder what he is going to do about the "hallucination" :3
Just a joke: I think, even with his hangover, he will get up before rainbow, she is just that lazy
"and for the hero that I am," -> "and being the hero that i am,"
) here is my version, feel free to discard it "I notice my hooves are made of a hard substance, (very is a filler word, i would refrain from using it. putting a autocorrect of DONT USE THAT or NOPE when the word is typed fixes the usage.) so i decide to hit the wolf that had gone low in the head."
i dont know if that helps or not, but im confident that youll be able to glean something off it
applejacks ask -> applejack asks
"were seeing if I was a viable pray." pray -> prey
"I take a defensive post and my wings flare out a bit, probably to make me look bigger." this just sounds wierd given the current tone of the story (first person) either say "and my wings instinctively flare out..." or "out a bit, as i try to make myself look bigger."
"I hope for a bit longer that 1 minute" that -> than, 1 -> one
"I feel very contend with how the first..." contend -> content
"They halt their approach a bit, but when they notice that I am not attacking they come closer once more." Note: im about to pretty much rewrite this sentence.
"They halt their approach for a moment, but when they notice that i am not attacking, they start to close in once more." my advice, read over yours, read over mine the only "needed" correction is the "approach for a moment"
"Two attack at once, one jumps and goes high and the other one goes low. My hooves are made of a very hard substance, not unlike nails, so I hit the one that goes low very hard on the side of his head. A lot of branches go flying off his face and I see a large smear of tree sap on my hoof. There is a large hole in the head of the timberwolf." yes i just copied an entire paragraph DEAL WITH IT
"...one jumps and goes high..." i believe that this is written incorrectly, no offense. "...one jumping high..."
"...and the other one goes low." also a bit weird. "...while the other one comes in low."
*Underlined text "This needs to be a bit more, evaluated i believe. Your telling the reader that his hooves are made of a hard substance. (probably should put *finger* nails
*italicized portion "im currently debating what to do with this, but here is what i got so far "A lot (another set that arent beneficial to writing) of branches go flying off his face as a large hole appears in his head." I dont know what to do with the tree sap portion, it might be just discarded due to it being irrelevant to the protagonist's current plight.
"I feel satisfied until I feel a ripping pain go through my left wing. I fall onto the ground and see smears of blood on it and a timberwolf with a few feathers in its mouth running towards me, fangs smeared with blood." im just going to rewrite this... it feels like the sentence is jumping too much, going from one thought to the next without much transition.
"I feel satisfied until i feel a ripping pain go through my left wing. Falling to the ground, disoriented by the pain, i see blood beginning to flow from it. The other timberwolf that had jumped at me had caught me off guard and was now running towards me, a few bloody feathers still stuck in its mouth, fangs dyed red with blood."
"...as I make a pirouette. I hit the timberwolf on the head, knocking him out cold." the second sentence is more of a fragment than a sentence. combining them to make it a complete thought should fix the problem "...as i make a pirouette, hitting the timberwolf square on the head and knocking him unconscious." yes the word choice is different, but i think it makes the sentence flow better
>:( another sentence fragment "...the wolf runs away as he lets out a sharp whine. Leaving a trail of burning leaves, twigs and branches behind." whine. Leaving -> whine, leaving
"Applejacks ask as she..." only 1 applejack
"...and het sum sleep." het -> get
"She missed the blood on my wings too. My wings sting too." too many toos. also first sentence is a verb tense agreement error. "She had missed the blood on my wings, which stung from the blow i had received."
Dont worry almost done
superficial work! "...I think
thatI am...""...spending extra time to get all the dried up blood out of them." you didnt specify what the "them" was. his wings perhaps?
"I walk downstairs, looking for that strong drink. I see that Rainbow is still snoring on the couch. I walk into the kitchen and open a cabinet, grabbing a small glass." I I I I I I some of these sentence can be combined to make better formed sentences. im not saying you should change these but they might sound better if you combined them using commas or conjunctions.
Wellp, that concludes my report for today, so glad i was able to make the deadline before you came out with your next chapter.
Most of my thoughts are in the comment below so i wont go into that again.
Hey do you like reading as well as writing? i don't know if you can, but look in my favorites, i have like 3 pages of good stories that i have found over the weeks.
WARNING: The stories with pictures of rarity applejack twilight and rainbow have implied sex and some sex scenes. they arent graphic at all or else i wouldn't read them.
EXTREME WARNING!!!!!The story Love has nothing to do with it has many sex refrences and does go into graphic detail with some scenes, overall the story is decent. the author marks the most graphic scenes with ------------------ and a warning, so you have ample space to skip it if you feel a bit sheepish. trust me i would have wished that i had skipped it
A not so bad warning: that story is 200 chapters long and has many off plots (single stories or events that are congealed together but work off one another with memories and references) i stayed up until 3:00 am reading, you have been successfully warned.
The story Inner Glory is a must read. it is excellent and has not in any way broached the subject of sex, it is pure adventure alternate universe, diverse plot story. I HIGHLY RECOMMEND THIS STORY
Until next time!
2252197
Giant wall of text is scary.
I'll get to it after school.
I have read both Inner Glory and Love has nothing to do with it.
2253768 dude if youve read love has nothing to do with it, you have my admiration...
more preread fun ^_^
you do have pronoun problem a tense conflict, change is to will be
own -> owe
"Learning to fly is second (while or and) IN the same place (or you can say on the same level) is learning magic."
again? next time do me a favor, hit control f (or whatever is your language equivelant) and find of highlight all instances and see if any should be off. saves us both time
Status:
ReadingGiving annoying commentProofReadingFinishedAGH THE I's THEY BURRRRRNNNNN
no seriously, i think your using too many I's they kind of clog the story, i know you have to use them due to the fact that it is first person (a feat in and of itself) but don't forget to use compound inverted and irregular sentences, starting them with a verb or an preposition.
Lets start this off shall we?
"...that would even knock out a bull." *thinks* either change would to could or take out even
"...has it’s perks and that this is over soon." it's -> its don't worry, just a slip of a finger
"I manage to get of the chair..."of -> off
"I check some bedrooms but see no snoring... bedrooms, but
"I almost am going to try Ponyville, but then I hear grunting coming out of last room." Missing words and a misused word either "I (am; 'm) almost about to go try ponyville..." change out of -> from
"“At least it tasted quite well, I think."" even though well and good are generalizations that i avoid, good is a fine substitute for well in this situation
"Nothing rises, just something vague of fighting." of -> about usage errors get us all
""I grabbed a bowl of cereal. I’m not hungry anymore. " these sound weird, it would sound better if they were combined like so. "I just grabbed a bowl of cereal so I'm not (that) hungry anymore" the that is voluntary
"“I actually wanted to apologize
to youfor what I did yesterday. Applejack had a good long talk with me. What did you say to her? She was as vicious as she could be.” She saysto meas we walk down the stairs towards the kitchen." Some errors in this .-.lets begin... I'm just going dismantle it, i know technical terms are really fun, i just don't know them all. I can explain this first bolded one you never actually mentioned her striking up a conversation with him before this and after her conversation with applejack so you she couldn't have "wanted" to talk about it. scratch the actually and the -ed
strike-through says it all XD
italics = .-.
i don't see a way to "fix" this you'll just have to find some other way to describe applejack as we currently dont know how "viscous" she can be therefore the description doesn't fit, i might think she is a demon while somebody else might think she is nicer.
The strike through about talking to you is because its redundant, she is already talking to you therefore there's no reason to repeat the fact
"...treating me like the worst villain there could be.”" Could be is not proper usage, is, is a better tense-usage word
"Now you own me a bit less.” seeing this after coming from a semi clop fic.
"“That is a load of my mind.” I sigh. “How much..." of -> off "I sigh, "How much..." the reason i said put a comma is, even though I sigh is a complete thought, it flows better, say it to yourself, it helps
"Paying of Rainbow is first on my list. Learning to fly is second and on the same place is learning magic." of -> off man your getting bad with those
"I think that I will make that my third one on the list. Fourth is meeting the doctor. Not the ones in the hospital, the other
one."
bold i don't know what to call this... "...will be..."
italicized one is not the proper noun for this, "priority" is a better term
underlined "doctor, not the one
sin the hospital, the other one." also, one is on a different line than the previous sentence"My god, or my Celestia, I am making internal checklists. I am starting to look like Twilight." "my god, or my Celestia(.)" usually i would capitalize God because of my religion but I'm not going to force that on you.
This is a rough re-write, feel free to improve. "I'm (i am) starting to think like Twilight, making an internal checklist like this."
"...but I do miss my family on Earth. I don’t even know if I want to go back to Earth, being here is great. Maybe too great, no one would want to leave. I want to get a message through at least. Just to let them ^ know that I am alive." WAIT, dont facepalm just yet, im just asking for a sentence move to make it flow better put the underlined portion after the part about parents
"I would like to find out why Discord brought me here too, fun or another cruel plot. I really hope the first..." Your having another thought therefore need to say as such "I would also like to find out..." your having a seperate thought that in joined with the main one therefore you need a semicolon "here too; for fun or for another cruel plot."
"... as I jump of her front porch."
Thank God! last few sentences .-.
"...the orchard. I walk through the gate and towards..." the reason i picked this out is because you have already stated your walking, therefore you can combine any other "walking" actions after it into one using commas "...the orchard, through the gate and towards..."
LAST SENTENCE!!!!!!!!
"“Howdy partner.
Havegot any idea how these timberwolves here got in ta orchard? Ya were down there last night.” She asks me. I am just looking at with my mouth hanging open." Howdy partner is an interjection, therefore it should be followed by an !More applejack slang uh ohs. Ya -> you, yes it would seem that she would say ya instead of you but in this case she would say you, directing a comment at someone.
"I am just looking at with my mouth open" Staring would be a better term as it conveys more visualization of a wide eyed individual also there is the random at which can be used by putting the bodies, applejack, or some other noun. or you can just scratch it.
also, it would be better to do away with the with, read yours then read this "I am staring at the bodies, my mouth hanging (wide) open. (or on the ground to simulate complete shock)
That's it for today/night have a good one, hope the corrections help, sorry for the wall of text again.
Now they noticed the wolfs
2261589
And the rest shall be known tomorrow, if i feel like it.
2257374
And i am done correcting.
I know of the 'off'. I usually don't go over any work twice, so I miss those. I usually finish these chapters around midnight, so then i am not in the mood for anything else than uploading and sleeping.
Maybe I'll try to do that this time, or not.
Anyway thanks for the help and a new grammatical error stuffed chapter will be coming your way,
2261589 Can you say, Discord is having fun fucking with him?
2265566 Always happy to help
2265572
)
You're a lot off help.
(The wrong 'off' is just to rustle your jimmies
2265845 AND I CANT EDIT IT AGH
TROLLOLFACE IS CRUEL WHY YOU BE SO MEAN!!!!!!
2265855
Mostly because the name of my second account is in fact trolface1008
Second. My motto is 'What fun is there in making sense.'
2265871
To answer your retorical question
DER BE NO FUNS EN MAKIN DA CENTS :DDDDDDDD
2265884
That makes even less sense
You grace me with another chapter? I feel special
i will read tonight if i have time.
Most likely after im done getting over the arc in my current story
Wellp here we go!
Status: Reading
getting a snackCommentaryProof Readingmaking dinnerDONEI didnt see as many I's in this one Thumbs up for you!
I think these are getting shorter, that or my eyes are skipping. its probably the latter as i go back to edit and i find sentences that i hadnt read .-.
anyways, back to editing :3
I really didnt want to get into the tiny details but this just stuck out
"then a lot of questions will rise, " rise -> arise
verb tense error
"and it started to decompose; a leg already fell off."
it HAD started... HAD already fallen off
Well damn, bed time sorry will continue tommorowIM BAAAACK Sorry for the delay, onto the wall of text
“Well, shunks." shunks -> shucks?
" “Normal them wolves don’t come near ta orchard, but something’..." Normal(y); either put something or somethin' something aint slang fer nothin'
"We don’t talk much, for there isn’t much to talk about."
The for should be replaced by some other conjunction or the , for should be replaced with ;
". But it tastes very good so I eat on." the period before the but should be a semi colon, your not supposed to start sentences with conjunctions
"...see anyone near ta... " timberwolves are not really considered people in most fics, therefore they dont get the title "anyone" any of them would be better
"... Rainbow is nice I don’t think that it is an permanent solution." comma after nice
"...solution. And I don’t think that she would agree with me staying with her any longer than necessary." starting sentence with conjunction =
DAAAAAAMMMMMMMM
Youve been getting good, i would like to mention a ton more stuff but they were superficial and redundant, serving only my interests
If you do any better ill be out of a job
Im done, this is just a refresher comment
2272940
Thank you once again.
And i am getting better or you´re getting worse, probably some of both.
A new chapter will come today, so prepare your brain.
2273419 your probably right, i havent had much time to edit, i found time at 12:10 AM this morning (currently 5:12) i will sooooo not be editing today so i can get the best results for when ive sobered up
2273445
So it is all you. Then my chapters aren´t that bad.
For the updates; every two days a new chapter. I write, you correct.
That is the way of life.
2273479 i find much joy in doing this for you, it makes me feel like I have a hand in production than just enjoying it.
I wouldn't have it any other way except 1, that we lived nearly in the same time zone
I think he ate apple timberwolf stew
2283417
*facepalm*
Hey sorry ive been kinda busy, just got finished with a major test, sorry im behind
i havent even read this chapter yet, ill probably get to it today hopefullyIM READING IT