When Andrew wakes up in Equestria, he makes a rather large impact. Well, as large an a impact as a normal 20 something guy falling from about 20000 feet can make. Will he make friends in this strange but oddly familiar world? Or will the absence of his sister drive him closer to the edge? Strange things are happening in Equestria, will Andrew be able survive being at the center of them all?
This is my first story, so constructive criticism is always welcome.
I'm pleased to reveal the new cover art, done by the extremely talented Shadow Beam!
(Here's his Deviantart! http://lshadowbeaml.deviantart.com/ )
Chapters (32)
Cant wait till the next chapter
thats one way to get to Equestria XD nice story cant wait for more to it
Loved that he was joking with Twilight
Can't wait for more.
I think you have really nailed Twilight's personality from her absent-minded professorness with Spike to her analytical/panicky way of dealing with a crisis.
While it is too early to comment on Andrew's character directly, I will give a piece of advice that wish other writers would listen too. If a character is glib in the face of death, then they are probably also going to be glib in the face of life. Taking life as a joke can make for a fun character, but during serious moments, a joke may not endear him in the hearts of other characters.There is good and bad to any personality trait. Anyway, that is just something of my chest from reading too many human-in-Equestria-and-everyone-loves-him-because-he-makes-jokes fan fics. Not necessarily pertinent to this one. I did laugh at his little joke :)
Great so far! Sorry that I am not literarily inclined enough to give any meaningful criticism, but definitely looking forward to more.
5388969
Thank you Uknown, that's definetly a good point. I will definetly take that into consideration in future chapters ^_^
It's a start, and an interesting one at that but I'm gonna need a little more substance before I can give any legit feed back. You do have some pretty good grammar though, thankfully, and the way you wrote, and ended the chapter did leave me wanting to read some more to see what else you've got. So as far as beginnings go I'd have to say you did a pretty good job. I also have to agree with soldier on the character thing though.
wow, you managed to kill the main character before it started... My congratulations to you sir as that is quite an achievement.
5391059
*nearly ;-P
"Luna took a deep breathe,"
5391563
Thanks, all fixed :)
Wow, intense.
5392156
Yeah, I should add a dark tag probably
nice
5392414
Thanks ^_^
This is going to be interesting.. I'm stalking- i mean, tracking this story.
Keep updating and a Xbox Achievment unlocked; "favorite" is going to be achieved!
Nuff' said. Good night.
PS; typing on mobile makes my grammar look like a 2th grader's.
5394577
Thank you so much, that's high praise indeed ^_^
The sun was pleasantly warm against her back, and while she enjoyed the caress of her sister’s sun, she truly wished it was her moons rays that shined down on her instead.
Luna doesn't have more than on moon, unless Commander Koenig, Moon Base Alpha, space 1999 came for a visit! So, let's just assume its possessive and change it to "'s".
Or it is Space 1999 and Luna is upset she will never see her friends there again. HA<AH<HA<AH!
Luna's eyes widened when Twilight mentioned the poor creatures speech.
Possssive unless Equine medicine considers all the parts of the body separate creatures!
5397008
Thanks for pointing that out, all fixed :-)
I hope you enjoyed it!
I like it. I'm gonna give this story a chance.
5399365
Thanks, i appreciate the chance ^_^
next chapter should be up around this weekend!
Other than some grammatical errors here and there, and maybe a teensy bit of rushing, this was good. You've got some good ideas and details going on, here, though. Keep it up, dude.
5403090
thank you ^_^
yeah generally i have a very brief and to the point writing style, so stretching it out to a more realistic time table has been a real challenge. As for the grammar I'm a horrible self-editor, but I've been shocked by how many people are reading this. ill be sure to spend more time editing for sure!
For your first story it isn't too bad. Bit of a cliched intro, but honestly, it's nearly impossible to think of anything original anymore. However, you've handled it well enough so far, and thus caught my attention. If you need help with editors, try This Group. Im sure you could find some more than willing participants to help proofread each chapter. In the meantime I'll be watching this story with great interest. You earned this
5411514
yeah im worried i might fall into the cliche pitfall, so ill be trying to mix things up in the future. if only i had seen this group before i posted the next chapter >_<
but other than that, thank you! i will try to not disappoint!
Looks like you already hit one cliche, unfortunately, the "Humans are bastarddddds!" cliche. >.<
5415836 But we are though.
5416453 Umm... no. And definitely not where we were, say, 200 years ago. BUT, this is neither the time nor the place for that debate, except to say that if we were as violent and bastardy as some of these stories claim, we'd still be living in huts and EVERYONE killing each other over a bite of food, not just the criminal MINORITY.
Well I like it. Keep up the good work can't wait to see what comes next.
Eh, he is kinda right on Humanity. Individually most of us are pretty cool, but in large groups, mob mentality tends to rule, be it aggressive or passive. Anywho, loving how he interacts with Luna. Made me giggle a lot.
It's just so tedious. Oh no, a species from a world where you can't cheat with magic, where there's literally never enough of anything for everyone and no immortal despot hangs around to intimidate everyone into playing nice by threatening to drop the sun on them is a bit more violent? Oh, the shame and embarrassment. It's like First World Problems times a million.
I really enjoyed the first chapter. Lets see what yo have for store in the future. Though, I am kind of confused where this is taking place. Canter lot, but twilight and fluttershy are their?
5433735 That's silly. It's not really an opinion, equestria IS a better, safer and probably more loving environment to live. I don't know why people get upset over that. It was a children's cartoon, a fantasy world DESIGNED to be a near utopia like setting. It is better than earth, but so are numerous other fictional settings. We can be sad that they complain about humans, and it is annoying, the whole were bastards thing, but equestria is pretty great.
MOAR!
Well, I wonder if he just has magic now, or just a finite amount that he absorbed.
i.ytimg.com/vi/RFNLWMToGEM/maxresdefault.jpg
5475092
Exactly. When you live life on easymode it's not hard to be morally superior. Having no concept of actual hardship makes a lot of the "barbaric" behavior humans display just never become necessary. In the real world, herbivorous prey animals categorically couldn't evolve to have human-level intelligence. We are omnivorous predators because sixty percent of everything we eat goes towards the energy requirements of our brain alone. You can't fill that kind of caloric requirement by eating grass. Bitching about how we're awful - when the benchmark of comparison are physically impossible cartoon ponies who literally live on magic - is so abjectly stupid it's an embarrassment to humanity as a species.
If only it wasn't written like a giant word wall. Shame...
Now it's like every Hie story. "Human gets attacked by ponies, Human forgives ponies instantly"
So Andrew just forgives them for nearly blasting him into a wall at speed that would certainly break several bones, and leave burns across his skin? I consider myself a forgiving person. However if I were attacked for no reason, other than looking menacing, I would want the offending person to be held responsible. Even if they were grounded for a week that would be good enough for me. But I wouldn't outright forgive them. Keep this in mind as you progress through the story. Having your character wave off hostility from the ponies like that makes him unbelievable.
*spit-take* His name is Dike?!
Oooohhh...so many off colored jokes, so little time.
5475818
Considering the whole broken bones and burns thing, he probably reasoned that saying anything else might be detrimental to his health.
5475572
Yeah, I'm sorry about that. It seems Ive been doing a terrible job of pacing myself. The problem is known though, I promise it's now one of my main concerns!
gah! Must not spoil to rebut complaints, must not spoil to rebut compliants, must not spoil to rebut compliants!
5475857
I was worried about that >_<. It's actually pronounced deekay.
5475982 Just put spaces between paragraphs and sentences. Don't have it be like.
BLAH BLAH BLAH!!
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.
BLAH BLAH...
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.
Have it be more like this:
BLAH BLAH BLAH!!
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH!
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.
BLAH BLAH...
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.
BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH BLAH.
i don't like your formating.
Making your descriptions into separate paragraphs would make your story more readable. Also you should't include more than one dialogue per paragraph, it makes things confusing.
That is another way of formating dialogue and descriptions, never the less you should apply separations as seen.
Regarding the premise of the story is to early to say if this has potential i will check out the rest of the story. adios!
5406117
If you write like that you should stick to what do you do best . i always recommend cheeking on Earnest Hemingway works when people have issues regarding writing extension, be it on defect or excess.