The Fall of Twilight

by Ephraim Blue

Chapter 2 - Spells and Consequences

Chapter 2 - Spells and Consequences

Ponyville Library July 15th 1001

The spell was extremely complicated. It required a lot of things just to be cast. In order for it to actually take effect, Twilight was going to have to use the Elements of Harmony.

"I've never seen a spell that requires the Elements of Harmony," Twilight said. "This is going to be extremely difficult to cast too. Are you sure you wish to continue to attempt to cast it?"

"Yes," Crystal replied. "I always wanted to know if this spell was truly able to be cast by anypony who isn't an alicorn."

"Well, since this spell is extremely difficult, it will take awhile to get all of the necessary procedures ready for this spell. Are you okay with that?"

"Yes, but how long do you think it would take to get the ingredients?"

"About 3 days."

"Three days..." she said. "I can wait three days."

"The first thing we need to do is inform the princess of this so we can get the Elements of Harmony for the spell. Spike!"

"Yes Twilight?" Spike called back.

"Take a letter."

Spike pulled out a letter and began to write down what Twilight was saying.

"Dear Princess Celestia, I am writing to you, not because I learned another lesson yet, but because a new spell has been introduced to me. The spell requires a lot of preparations, and will take about three days to prepare. But there is another thing that is required to make the spell work. The Elements of Harmony. I do not know why the elements are needed, but a mare by the name of Crystal has asked me to make this spell work, and fulfill her wishes of knowing if this spell is able to be cast by anyone who isn't an alicorn. All I ask is that you send the elements down to Ponyville as soon as possible, and wish me the best of luck on completing this spell. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle."

Ponyville July 16th 1001

Twilight began work for the spell right after she sent the letter. The princess didn't reply right away, but Twilight could understand why. The changeling attack on the castle had caused a lot of damage, and she was probably very busy with trying to repair all of the destruction they caused.

The first item on the list was a core of an apple. Twilight went down to Sweet Apple Acres to get an apple.

She stopped by Applejack, who was working hard in the field.

"Hey, Applejack," she called out.

The farmare turned toward Twilight with a whole lot of sweat on her forehead. "Howdy, Twilight," she called back. "What brings you to Sweet Apple Acres this fine morning?"

"I need a favor, Applejack."

"Well, go on then, shoot."

"I need the core of an apple for a spell I got from a mare yesterday."

"Hmm, that's strange. I never heard of a spell that needed the core of an apple. What kind of spell is it?"

"Its a peace of mind spell. Supposedly, this spell is supposed to give you complete peace of mind."

"Seems complicated. Ah'd be happy to help a friend with a new spell."

"Thank you Applejack. I'll tell you how it went."

"See ya later, Sugarcube."

Ponyville Library July 18th 1001

The rest of the items that Twilight had to gather had been really easy over the past few days. She got cold milk from the Cakes, a feather of a Pegasus from Rainbow Dash, even though she wasn't to happy about it, and the scale of a sea serpent in the Everfree Forest.

All that was left was for the elements from the princess to get here.

At what couldn't seem like a better time, Twilight revived a package from Princess Celestia.

Twilight opened the package to find a letter, and a chest.

Twilight unfolded the letter that read: My faithful student, I am sorry for these not to get to you sooner, but I did not think spike could handle such a big package. Inside the chest are the Elements of Harmony. I hope that your spell goes well and I wish to know the results of this spell, for I have never heard of a spell that requires the elements. Your humble teacher, Princess Celestia.

"So," Crystal began. "Are we ready to cast the spell?"

"Yes, I do believe so, Crystal," Twilight responded. "We have everything we need."

"Then lets get started."

Over the course of 3 hours, Twilight and Crystal prepared the spell for peace of mind.

"All right, here goes nothing," Twilight said as the glow of her horn increased in magnitude.

Twilight concentrated as hard as she could. In fact, she couldn't believe how hard she was trying. It took 3 days to get all of the necessary ingredients for the potion, the Elements of Harmony, and high magical skill. There was no way that she could get this spell wrong.

At that moment, a giant purple cloud erupted from the cauldron in front of her, knocking her back into the bookshelf.

Twilight shook off the pain that flared in the back of her head. She looked over at the potion halfway across the room. It was still smoking in the center, but by the color of the liquid, she could tell that the spell had worked.

Discord's layer July 18th 1001

-Quick little note right here. Discord had escaped from his stone prison in the Prolouge of the story. If you haven't read it yet, I suggest that you read it before continuing.

It had been a little over a week since Discord had been released by Chrysalis, the changeling queen. And how reward for waiting so long to attack Equestria would end in total success!

Chrysalis is too gullible, Discord thought to himself. The only reason she is doing this is because she wants revenge for what Twilight did to her at the wedding. She doesn't even begin to think what I plan to do with Equestria once Twilight has been banished forever.

Ponyville Library July 18th 1001

"Is the potion ready?" Crystal asked with a worried look on her face.

"Yes," Twilight responded. "The book says that the potion will turn a reddish- orange color when it was completed. All that's left is for someone to drink the potion."

"Twilight?"

"Yes Crystal?"

"I want you to drink it."

Twilight couldn't believe her ears. "But its your grandfather's spell, and you always wanted to know what it did."

"Yes, but after all we went through to make the potion, I want you to try it out first."

"Alright, if your so sure about this," Twilight said as she picked up a small ladle from the table next to her. She dipped the end of the ladle into the potion, and pulled out a small amount from the cauldron. "Well," she said as she sniffed the contents of the ladle, "Bon Voyage."

With that, Twilight took the ladle to her mouth and drank the potion.

Comments

[Redric Carrun]

Yes, byte how long do you think it would take to get the ingredients?

*but

The information in the first paragraph is all things that could be presented as part of Twilight talking about the spell, instead of making the narrator do it for her. In fact, part of it is already covered by that; just Twilight mentioning "I've never seen a spell that requires the Elements of Harmony [before]" is enough to let the reader know that this spell does require the elements.

Well, since this spell is extremely difficult, it will take awhile to get all of the necessary procedures ready for this spell.

*a while (awhile is a word, but is used differently); "this spell" is said twice. Also, "procedures" are things you do; I don't think you need to get them ready for anything, although you may need to get ready to do them.

A minor note: small numbers like "3" can easily be written out as "three." I don't know that there's a rule about this, but I think it looks nicer. Just a thought.

I think it would look better if you formatted the letter to Celestia like an actual letter would be formatted, like:

"Dear Princess Celestia,
asdfkjakldfjakdfj. asdfhakjdhfaidhfaidjfnkaljnfdlauhdfajdsnflkansdflkjhasdlfa.
Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle."

"Twilight began work for the spell right after she sent the letter." Back on the fifteenth. So this is something she already did by now, on the sixteenth. We were there just a few sentences ago; we could have watched her get started. If you have things separated by date, keep them separated.

... Twilight thinks it will take three days to gather an apple core, cold milk, and a pegasus feather?
Those items all seem rather mundane, but the sea-serpent's scale is comparatively interesting. Why not show that, with Twilight visiting Stephen Magnet, instead of the visit to Applejack's farm? You could even have it so that Twilight's already gathered the other items, and she could show them to Stephen, instead of having the narrator tell us that she picked them up.

"Supposedly, this spell is supposed" has "supposed" there twice. Okay, the sentence makes sense, but it's kind of silly, don't you think? Why not, "According to this old book," or, "this spell should?"

Twilight revived a package from Princess Celestia

*recieved

The paragraph where Twilight is shown as being determined to make the spell work after having put so much effort into it is rather awkward. The sentence "In fact, she couldn't believe how hard she was trying" isn't very appealing. Try to show us how much effort she's putting into it; make us unable to believe the power she is willing to use for this. And after that list of how difficult this spell is, "There was no way that she could get this spell wrong" doesn't really fit, because it sounds like she was just listing the reasons why the spell might go wrong.

Discord's layer July 18th 1001

*lair; also, all the commas are gone. Like "Discord's lair, July 18th, 1001"

We don't need the note. It's a nice thought, but you can just assume people have read up to this point. If they haven't, they can just go back and read, but the note interrupts the story.

And how reward for waiting so long to attack Equestria would end in total success!

*... I have no idea what you were trying to say here.

Discord's section is super extremely mega short. Also, it doesn't need to be there. We don't need to know that Discord is plotting behind the Queen's back yet, when it would be so much more interesting as a twist later on.

But its your grandfather's spell

*it's

Alright, if your so sure about this

*you're

Wait, so the spell is just to make a potion, and not to actually directly relax minds? That might be something you'd want to mention earlier.

Now to make this comment even longer by adding an opinion to it!

The only reason Twilight got away with saying there was no way for her to get the spell wrong is because it all went horribly right.

[Daring Cammie Do]

Discord's layer July 18th 1001

Lair

"Well," she said as she sniffed the contents of the ladle, "Bon Voyage."

'Bon Voyage' means 'Have a good trip'...

[Knight Light]

I think you mean Bon Appetit, Bon Voyage means good journey or something like that. Other than that, looking good so far!

[GarrusVakarian]

7155664 ...No, I think Bon Voyage was exactly what she meant.