The Fall of Twilight

by Ephraim Blue

Prologue - Release

The Fall of Twilight

By: Ephraim Blue

Prologue - Release

Canterlot Gardens July 9th 1001

Twilight was having a great time. She had friends, a wonderful teacher, and a great place to call home.

But there was one day that all of that changed. She lost her friends, family, teacher, and even her own home. She had nowhere to go, except towards the edge of Equestria and beyond. So that's where her journey begins, on the edge of Equestria.

But before I can tell you that story, I have to tell you this one.

On July 10th 1001, Shining Armor was having his wedding ceremony. Twilight had uncovered the truth about the changeling attacking the castle, helped stop the threat, and lived happily ever after.

Or so she thought.

Chrysalis, the changeling queen, had found a statue of Discord in the garden the other day. Just sitting there. She proceeded to leave, but there was a quiet voice inside her head.

Wait, the voice called out.

"Who's there?" Chrysalis asked.

You were just looking at me.

Chrysalis turned to see the statue of Discord, still in its normal position, but a bit more sinister.

Yes, Chrysalis, I am Discord.

"What do you want, and how do you know I'm the changeling queen? I'm in the form of Princess Mi Amore Cadenza!"

I know a lot of things.

"What else do you know?"

I can see that your plan is going to fail.

"What do you mean?"

Your plan will fail, there is a purple unicorn coming to the wedding. She used to be foalsitted by the real Princess Cadence.

"That is nice to know, but how do I stop her?"

You don't.

"Excuse me?"

You can't. She is always on guard, you can't beat the Elements of Harmony.

"Why are you telling me this?"

Because I know of a way you can get revenge on her.

"And what is that?"

Free me.

"What? Your kidding, right? You were defeated by the Elements of Harmony before. How is freeing you going to make a difference?"

No, I'm not kidding. I can brainwash ponies. I'm not able to completely brainwash the Element of Magic, not even for a couple of hours.

"What are you getting at?"

I'm saying that you introduce a spell she has never heard about before. This spell will allow her mind to be unguarded, making it so that I can brainwash her for a longer period of time.

"What does this accomplish?"

Twilight banished from Equestria.

Now this seemed to interest Chrysalis. "What's the name of the spell?"

The statue of Discord let out a small laugh. Are you sure that you want this to happen?

"If it means that I get revenge later, then yes."

That's good to hear, but there is the fact that I can't do my part until I'm out of this stone prison.

"Oh, let me help you with that," Chrysalis said before proceeding to release Discord.

"Oh it's so nice to be out of that prison!" Discord exclaimed. "It is so nice that I get to stretch my legs every once in a while!"

"I have freed you," Chrysalis said. "Now what is the spell?"

"What spell? Oh, THAT spell. Okay, the name of the spell is..."

Comments

[Redric Carrun]

On July 10th 1001, Shining armor was having his wedding ceremony.

*10th, 1001; Armor

She proceeded to leave but there was a quiet voice inside her head.

*leave, but; also, since she didn't actually leave, a different verb would probably be better. Like, "She was about to leave, but"

Princess Ni Amore Cadenza!

*Mi

Your kidding right?

*You're kidding, right?

How is freeing you going to make s difference?

*a

Oh its so nice to be out of that prison!

*Oh, it's; you also use "It is so nice" again in the very next thing Discord says. Probably best to change that to something else.

Also, just thought I'd mention that if your narrator isn't a big source of story flavor or or related to the plot, you're probably better off not drawing attention to them by using the pronoun "I."

... Why is the name of the spell so important?

Discord is being very straightforward here. This would also probably require extensive rewriting, but I would suggest for him to be much more vague about his plan, at least while he's still in the statue; after all, he has many more powers than just brainwashing. Perhaps he could just give a hint here about the fact that he can't brainwash Twilight, so that later, when the readers start to figure out what Discord's plan was, they wouldn't be asking why he needed to use a spell first.

Oh, and when Discord says his plan will get "Twilight banished from Equestria," he hadn't actually used her name before then. He just called her a "purple unicorn," and "the Element of Magic." Of course, we the readers know who this must be, but the Queen probably shouldn't.

Try to expand on actions like "proceeding to release Discord." A flashy, magical event like that sounds like a perfect spot to throw in some descriptive text, talking about the sights of the spell being unraveled, and the sounds of the statue crumbling into dust as Discord emerges from its hollow shell. Also, for the conversation, not every line has to be directly related to moving events along. Especially with Discord, who enjoys hearing himself talk and not making sense to anyone who happens to hear him.

You mark the date and time at the top as the ninth, which is fine. But then you start talking about how Shining had his wedding on the tenth. Then, in the next sentence, the time shifts to "the other day," when the Queen found Discords' statue. I would suggest that you don't put the bolded time sentence until the scene is actually starting. You could lead into it with something like "Chrysalis, the changeling queen, had something peculiar in the garden the other day. Just sitting there. Something that would soon be giving Twilight Sparkle a great deal of trouble." And then put the date.

About the beginning; when was Twilight having a good time? Was it the ninth, as we were just told? She could have been enjoying herself the day before the wedding, but I think that isn't really what you meant. If you're just talking about her whole life experience in general, you should probably rephrase that. Something like, "Twilight Sparkle had a great life."

Boy, I talk a lot. Reaction time now.

Yes, Discord. That spell. The one you just promised to give me, should I let you out of your eternal imprisonment. The one we were just talking about. That spell.

And now, two super-villains, whose powers threaten to destroy the entire nation of Equestria, set their sights on Twilight Sparkle, humble Princess/librarian.
This is going to be a bad day...

[Sparrow9612]

No, I'm not kidding. I can brainwash ponies. I'm not be able to completely brainwash the Element of Magic, not even for a couple of hours.

Got to take out the 'be' and it will sound much better.

[Fourpony]

"Oh, let me help you with that," Chrysalis said before proceeding to release Discord.
"Oh it's so nice to be out of that prison!" Discord exclaimed. "It is so nice that I get to stretch my legs every once in a while!"

Well shit, once again Equestria guards creatures that can wipe out planets with nothing more than a simple gate. Why even have some warning against Discord getting out? It's not like someone could just walk up and let him out as easily as opening a front door.

Those two lines already have you in hot water with me.

[Daring Cammie Do]

I read the description and I thought "Finally! Another good fucking story with Chrysalis and Twilight!"

[TheDiscontent]

Can't help but feel you've rushed that way to quickly. And in the future try and find more realistic ways to progress things along. For example maybe a way for chrysallis to free discord in some other way than basically going "poof! You're free now!". Other than that I look forward to this story

[TheShadowKnight]

FUCKING CLIFFHANGERS !!!!!!