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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This is what I picture Radiant Sunset would looks like, except as a unicorn of course.
i.pinimg.com/236x/2a/d2/ea/2ad2eaae0f301a176091d8a98fe9bf99--ponies-my-little-pony.jpg
I just realized who Starless represents.
Also 'my little Flashy'... Brilliant!
9121846
Can you give me a hint?
9121846
Oh really!? You figured out that she's a time traveling cyborg from the future bent on eliminating kazoo's!? I'm impressed. I thought I had that hidden pretty cleverly.
9122647
I've read a series of stories similar to that recently... perhaps that's how I know!
If the unicorns have thought about magic in the wrong way, then what measure do they have in the first place? What power is considered "good".
9124373
Think of it this way. The unicorns measure magic in brute power. Like throwing boulders and blowing up mountains.
Starless is discovering that there is more to magic. Instead of brute power, magic can be focused into a special talent. There are spells that can be shared and spells that are born inside and are special to that pony alone. Tranquil barely has enough magic to lift an apple, but she can weave hundreds of fine threads at once into a tapestry. A skill that no other Unicorn can do.
I'm not sure if this helps.
9124489
Sure. I think I get it .
9122103
Sorry to say, It's been a while since I did one of those.
CelestIa
Cut 's
baskeT
came up WITH for
Either replace the comma with a semicolon or a period and start a new sentence
Cut 'the'. This would be acceptable if it were a joke, but you'd need to set that up much earlier for it to work.
wantING
Also, you say tragedy, but that doesn't quiet fit with all the comedic slapstick.
reappearED
Starless need not be so surprised. With Aurora having lived in this community her whole life, it was only natural she'd catch the 'new ideas' disease that's swept through the herd; also known as open-minded syndrome. Unicorns have never had an issue with this before. They're beaten down into an incredibly rigid system, stagnating and actually diminishing themselves and their surroundings. They see a problem and can only throw a tantrum when things don't go their way. The earth ponies, 'lesser creatures' that they are, pull impulsive stupid-ass stunts and somehow keep getting rewarded for it. Open-minded syndrome, it would seem, comes with a bonus to luck.
Cut second 'her'
No problems. I just never saw 'nimbus' used like that. Nice.
borING
With A look
Forgot period
to do THAT
If you meant to indicate a pause, use the standard ... Otherwise cut the comma.
and PRESSED her ear
Cut 'her'
rushING
Skye TO keep
Between these two, you need to add a line saying that Starless gave the group a rundown on what happened.
Is it Grand or Grande? There's so many characters I've genuinely lost track, but you kept using the former before.
You need to set the scene. Who is doing what and where? Like I said, there's so many characters that the reader can't track them all. Are these foals, recently captured Low Bloods, or what? Just say something like "In the fields near the unicorn temple, the foals were laughing as they trained and played."
I'm surprised they allow colts this kind of freedom. The culture as depicted thus far implies that any kind of youthful spirit would be quickly beaten down to make them more compliant after their basically locked in cages for the rest of their lives. Having both sexes play together would also be frowned upon, as it would humanize the males and make the females feel guilty for what is done to them.
The sort of behavior you show would be fine in an ancient human society, but there are some pretty big differences. Namely that human women are given free reign over the family home and generally allowed to go to town to run errands. With the unicorns, the males are locked up out of sight and out of mind, being completely segregated from the rest of society. That requires early conditioning so that all learn to accept the status quo.
Closing punctuation
The conversation between the colts just furthers the problem I described earlier. A guy can't very well make a girl happy if he's only allowed to see her once a year. Just think through the concepts you've included and take them to their logical conclusions.
gazed AT the spot WHERE the mare
9125630
It's Grand. Any use of the E in her name is a typo.
The scene of what you described at the end of your post has already been done in Chapter 41. I know it's been six months since I released that chapter, but when read in a normal sitting, the time gap isn't that bad and makes more sense. It's the long gaps between chapter releases and multiple characters that add to the challenge to keep things straight, but if you think it necessary to do a refresher, I'll go ahead and write another one.
In ch41 its described that they are sequestered in the crater of the volcano. Any of the High Blood mares can go there at any time they want- not always for a breeding. Radiant goes there to visit her brother. In this particular time, she brought her little sister too.
-Once a year? Where did you get that? She can see him whenever she wants or even have him live in her chambers. Rising asked her to get to know Frost more, just a few paragraphs earlier. Rising told Frost to make her happy. What he meant by that was to "make her happy" Not to bang her until she's happy, but to listen to her problems and help her have fun. To keep her from turning into her mother.
In the Common Blood stables below, the stallions have lot more freedom, though they still can't walk about with total freedom. I haven't really written about them yet but it'll happen.
9122034
Hint. It has something to do with Kazoos.
Rising DUSK
9121846
I don’t understand
9311946
What's not to understand about how she's a time traveling cyborg from the future bent on eliminating kazoo's!? It was so obvious the entire time!