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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Don't worry Mustard Seed, next year you'll have a foal of your own to suckle at your teats.
Yeah I totally ship Ground Pound and Starless.
Having "quickly" said twice so close together sounds weird. Maybe change one of them into a similar but different word, or just axe the second quickly all together. The sentence will be fine without it.
Each one
It took a few more paragraphs, namely where Starless comments about an earth pony and pegasus having a foal, till I realized that the reason you didn't say Dusty said that is because it's suppose to be from Starless's perspective. It's just not very clear at first. Perhaps add a bit about Starless settling down to listen/watch?
Like after this:
(This is missing a period at the end of Dark by the way) You could add: "Starless slipped unnoticed to the back of the crowd to listen in, nopony noticing the large stallion she still held in the air behind her."
This way it makes it clear to the reader that the next bit of narrative are all from Starless's point of view. Therefore since she doesn't know who Dusty is, we don't get his name when he's arguing.
It's mentioned in this paragraph near the beginning that Starless was trying to cast the drying spell on Flutter Fly. That being said having "on her" at the end there is a bit redundant. We already know the spell is meant to be cast on Flutter Fly. Repeating that isn't necessary, so we can just cut off that "on her" at the end and it'll be just fine.
'at' how high it was. Sorry but I really think it needs that 'at' there.
feels and comedy l love this fic !
8276822
thanks for the tips as always, got them fixed.
8277492
No problem. Also I want to point out. Nice touch with the rainclouds for scene transitions. I thought it was a really cool touch!
Stalking infants. Probably a graduate of the Animaniacs school of sexual harassment.
I think you meant 'bodily'
Forgot to capitalize
floatING
It'S
lifted aN eyebrow
discoverED
Hump that bitch till she's loyal.
Period at the end
side of A cliff
as well AS a
8278909
Okay. Need to set a little ground rules here. If you add something like "Hump that bitch till she's loyal." in the list of corrections you are going to need to add a warning first. If I had been drinking at the time, I could have ruined my keyboard and monitor from the spit-take that surely would have happened, and poor Peers nearly passed out from laughter. Seriously, what possessed you to put a landmine like that right in the middle of the list! You can kill someone that way!
8282301
You mean it didn't work? Damn. Oh well. Maybe next time.
In all seriousness, that line was just begging for a snappy comeback. You're obviously shipping these two, which can only go so many ways. I was actually thinking "Hump her till she's obedient", which would be more pornographically appropriate, but decided on "loyal" instead.
Really nice slice of life chapter. The MVP of it is Dark. He also has the hard lesson about forgiveness to learn. I am looking forward to his interactions with his mother and also with how he will deals with Starless.
8290452
How yea forgot about that. Awesome reference for sure! Also I do hope to see more references from the series in here not just from FiM but also from gen 1?
8290772
Sorry, but I have never seen Gen 1, so I can't make any references to it. I didn't have cable when I was young. I'm not even sure how I can even watch it now. I guess I could look up on amazon about buying dvd's if its been released on it.
8291793
I've seen it back when I was a kid. The original show has humans living with ponies plus flutter ponies and sea ponies were in it as well.
Some of the greatest villains were in gen 1 like Groger, smooze, tirek, Catrina and a few others. There's also a lot u can do like they had Elements of Harmony like powers and artifacts they used in the show that can make a really neat lead up for them to turn into the Elements we see in the show. I'm sure u can find information about a lot it online and also u should watch it since it's really good and a bit more darker then FiM.
Theres this one story on the site called The Overworked Alicorn and the writer does a perfect job fitting the whole gen 1 series into the show and makes it darker and realistic to the show becoming awesome. Definitely should check it out!
8291793
If it helps, most of the episodes you should be able to find online, but buying them is even better. I bought the entire g1 series not to long ago and the price isn't that bad.
But anyway, finally got around to reading this and regret I waited so long. A wonderful story so far, even better, i expected to see a lot more sex, but am glad I was wrong. What sex there is makes sense for it so far, and isn't there just to have a sex scene. Hope to see another update soon as I'm dying to know what happens next!
8294973
I went ahead and ordered Gen 1&2 on Amazon. They should be here by this weekend.
I prefer Plot with Clop rather than Clop with Plot. I've been thinking of doing some creative editing and releasing a second version of this story with the clop bits removed at a later point. It would require extensive re-writes in several parts to keep the story flowing without strange jumps.
8295780
Woo, those are the other good gens anyway! (Even if G2 focuses a lot on the environment, that was just the 'thing' to do in the 90's. Was the one I grew up on so will always hold a nostalgic spot in my heart.)
Same, which is why with my main story I do have a few clop scenes, but they are placed in a separate story for themselves. (But then those clop scenes are more just for the clop anyway, so they don't fit with the story exactly...) I mean of course I will read/write it still where the clop is more important than the story, but my favorite ones will still be where the story is the most important part.
You totally should if you feel like it! Wouldn't hurt I imagine, and might draw in more readers who are in similar thinking: that there is a lot of clop in the mature one, which is keeping them from reading it.
8295780
A lower version of the herd story... I think it can work and might bring more people to read your story if you do it right.
8303975
Not to mention, it would make it feasable for content creators to do dramatic readings and/or animations and/or audio dramas of the story. At the moment, it's a bit too heavy with the sex scenes, but a re-write with these omitted would still be an awesome story, and would make for good videos.
Happy independence day of the United States , in good vibes, because Americans think that their country is the whole continent? 🤔
By the way great story, I can not stop reading it since I found out that it existed, as I read I just like it more and more
9201150
We tend to shorten our name from The United States of America to just "America" as in the last part of our name, not in reference to the North American Continent. On a related note. I vote to change our name to "Merica"
Even if I am late
AMER
Ehhhhh I got lazy, it was going to be AMERICA INTENSIFIES