Student and Teacher, Servant and Mistress, Citizen and Ruler, Friend and...Lover?
***
Twilight flicked her eyes towards Celestia, their wide irises pleading for the peaceful release death would bring. Celestia merely gave her same gracious smile, though her guards noted with some worry that the corners of her lips were stretched taught, and her eyes were cleanly focused on an area very much not within the court room. Despite the clear signs of the pain he was causing, the throne room's esteemed guest continued to drone on.
"And here we can see that my planned water park cottage will cover a positively beautiful patch of mountaintop for practically nothing from the royal budget! I crunched the numbers, and between you two fine girls and your money and my truly awe-inspiring wealth, we outta have this babe built by the end of the summer."
The lama emperor had been quite set on this construction project all meeting. Through attempts at trade negotiations, discussions of intercultural discourse between the newly met peoples and even genuine social interaction, the emperor had revealed himself to be, in the humble yet esteemed opinion of his hosts, a self-absorbed idiot.
"By the way, did I show you my latest gold statues? Specially imported from my marble and gold mines, I spare no expense. If you'd just step off those cozy little thrones and--"
"Actually, Emperor Hoofsco, I was thinking perhaps we could show you my greatest treasure in our closing moments." Celestia said, dismissing her guards with a nod towards each of them.
The lama narrowed his eyes, the irises reduced to greedy beads searching Celestia's person for the value this treasure might bring. Thoughts of conquest or thievery flashed through his mind. "Well, uh, yeah, I think we can probably do that."
Celestia smiled, descending the staircase to face the vain politician. "Perhaps we could make this more interesting with a wager?"
Hoofsco's eyes brightened, an evil smile crossing his narrow face. "That sounds like a fine plan to me, your highness."
"If you can find it in your heart to envy me for my treasure after I show it to you, I will gladly fund a water park with my own personal funds. But if this treasure means nothing to you by the time we are done, you will henceforth communicate to myself and all of my citizens using only your servants and citizenry, never anyone associated with you or your crown. Fair?"
"Yeah, sure, alright. Lemme see this treasure."
Celestia wrapped a hoof around the lama, crushing him against her shoulder and pointing out to the other pony on the throne. Her voice became close to a perfect imitation of his own volume and pitch, though it retained Celestia's softer tone. "That creature, right over there, is the greatest thing to ever come out of my country. Look at that perfect little flank. Those sweet, sexy eyelashes. That extra bit of pudge she has from never exercising, perfect for rolly-polly cuddling. She pulls of the librarian look beautifully, wouldn't you say? And that little pout she has right now because I'm complimenting her. Adorable, right?"
Twilight gave a sigh and rolled her eyes. She got up from the throne and struck what had to be the most sarcastic portrayal of a supermodel pose in the history of Equestrian body display. Celestia took this as a sign to continue.
"And those hips. Perfect, am I right? Not to mention, she loves being married. She's a micromanager, so I never have to worry about all the hustle, bustle, attempts at manipulation and judgement I used to get in my personal life. She has it all under control. I can just fall back into her arms and she'll run my life for me, if I let her. Which I don't, but knowing she cares helps.The best part? All she ever wants is loving. She's a total prude, so she won't cop a feel in the middle of the night when I'm trying to sleep, she's got an intense dislike of spending too much money on frivolous things, so she'd never let me do something stupid with my money, and she's got a clingy need for confirmation she's a good person she's always looking to have satisfied, so I can cuddle her and compliment her indefinitely and all she'll do is blush and say she doesn't deserve it, which is a special code for "Please do this as often as you can". Oh, and an intense attachment to and love of me personally, too. To the point she could never imagine having someone else take my place. Fantastic.That is the greatest treasure I own, Hoofsco. If you wanna piece of that, you can swing by the royal chambers and we'll be sure to hook you up with the finest snuggling in this or any country on this fine green earth, any time. What do you think?"
Celestia looked at the dust cloud where Hoofsco had been standing not moments before and smirked.
"Some ponies just don't have a very discerning eye."
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Damn Celly! I thought Luna was the salesman type, not you! Jeez, you're almost as bad as a used-car salesman.
Knight of Cerberus, you did an excellent job, and now I can't stop laughing. Seriously, since i finished the chapter several minutes ago, i haven't stopped laughing. Please send help.
I approve of Hoofsco
4384806 It's even in the same art style as the llamas in that movie!
4376786 But "A proper lady would never be so indecent as to talk about one's love life in such a way!" Hence, shocked and appalled Rarity.
The Emperor's New Groove, hell yeah, love that movie.
Is it wrong for me that I imagined Hoofsco as a llamafied Cusco from The Emperor's New Groove?
4389084 that's the first thing I thought of.
Is it sad I knew this was Emperor's New Groove at the mention of a water park cottage?
5257045
No.... and you weren't alone either