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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Chapter 2!
I don't really have much to say, I like how it turned out.
Point out any mistakes, and as always... Please enjoy.
This story definitely hits a chord with me. Aside from the escort part of things, Ive felt every bit of that mask Guilty puts on for his clients. Well done sir.
1597047 just a question for ya...y did u make Rarity smoke??? tho i like how u write this good work.... tho i would like to see what client was his best job where he enjoyed him self, better than rarity tho
Another great chapter, and i think this one was even better then the last. Nice work. You really do feel what Guilty is going through, trying to be whatever anypony wants him to be, and yet he does genuinely care about his clients beyond just their money. And despite being so open, there's still a good sense of mystery about him, even to the reader. Can't wait for more
It was pretty good and IC. And nothing silly like the end of the last chapter.
Rarity's desire for romance does seem like it would lead her to either true romance or detached sex. Her sensibilities not letting her indulge in casual partners. That is, if she's not still a virgin. She is pretty young after all.
On the other hand, everything other than the dialogue and characterization was pretty flat. The sex was believable but very lightly described. The lack of description detracts a bit but it also causes brevity which detracts more. Perhaps pad it with more general descriptions and observations. Rarity is a very sexy mare and more description of her body, not just the naughty bits, would be nice.
Also, noticing Derpy/Ditzy's character tag there. Is she gonna be a plot character or a plot character. because dat plot. Hnnnnngh.
1611191
Thank you for the advice, I am trying to keep the sex very mellow, since it's not really the focus of my story. That said I don't want it to be coming off as brief, so in future chapters, (and I do mean future, I already have quite a few that are mostly written) I'll try to get more description in.
And yes, Derpy will be becoming an important character very soon. Keep your eyes peeled.
1611230
I've never liked erotica like porn. I've always found being inside the character's head and having the sensory input and observation relayed to me as better than a description of what their genitals are doing to each other.
Ahh. I know I'm late, but I forgot to set it to email updates. Good thing I decided to take a stroll through my 'favorites'.
I love Guilty, and what he put's on in front of his clients. I feel like rarity now, wanting to dig through every part of him until I find my prize (which would be his personal life, obviously,). I patiently await the next chapter, and hope to see even more characters used aside from Ditzy.
Don't worry, I have a lot of chapters planned, only a ifew of which involve OC's (forgive me)
This needs a lot more likes and a lot less dislikes!
1811082
I agree.
Again I will comment, this chapter was an emotional rollercoaster, just the way I like it. Humor with the magazine, horny with the sex, surprise with the smoking (I've always thought Rarity could smoke IC, but I rarely see an author have the balls to do it), and drama with the personal life chat, ending with a perfect slice-of-life chat over ice-cream. If every chapter from here on is this good, I'll be adding it to my all-time favorites.
1748275 Why, whatever is wrong with using OCs?
I enjoyed your characterization of Rarity, and Guilty Pleasure, such a good job of creating depth to a character we've only just met. You've now earned a thumbs up.
This is pretty good for a first time. Full speed ahead to the next chapters!
Just read chapter 2. I'm about to read the next few. I don't know why I didn't have this story Favorited, I think I honestly just forgot at the time, after I originally read chapter 1. I've got to be honest, this started clop-ficy, it still kind of is... but this character, I desire to learn more of what it means to be "guilty pleasure" even if it means less clop. I hope the next few chapters cover his past a bit. *crosses fingers*
That moment when your interest in a clop-fic has shifted from admiring the plot, to admiring the actual plot.
I like the result, it was very sweet and Rarity felt quite spot on. Two small typos: I smirked at her. She stuck hers out right back, and fell into a fit of giggles. - Assuming you mean she sticks her tongue out but since he doesn't stick his out it sounds odd.
her jaw just... hanged open. - I believe it should be "hung open" but grammar isn't where I shine.
This right here was such an excellent, multi-faceted line it makes me wonder if you have a degree in writing. Seeing little gems like this pop up in your writing really make me respect the amount of talent you're broadcasting with each line. I am beside myself.
Why does this answer smell like Celestia....?
1597047
As far as chapter 2, I can say that I'm enjoying your story.
If we had a five star rating system here in Fimfiction, I would rate your story a 4.5: I really like the way you flesh out the inner workings of a competent gigolo. I, as a good hotel receptionist, know that my person is pretty much the basis of the image that the client gets of the hotel, and have studied extensively to always have enough knowledge from every conceivable profession that I can pass as "I was thinking about studying that before I settled for a tourism mayor". I have to also measure myself when I "talk shop" with a guest, as my extremely eclectic point of view can point out 'obvious' flaws that "Mr PhD" hadn't even thought about.
My only complaint about your story is the format: it is far from a realistic journal. People with a memory as good as to remember every dialogue said during an evening don't write it all on their journals; those will read more like clue cards. On the other hand, people with less than perfect memory will not remember it all by the time they get down to writing their journals.
Will keep reading.
I had the most confused boner in the middle of the chapter. But seriously, this is very well written. I think rarity and GP are actually a very good match for each other; I always thought rarity was the second or third brightest of the group after twilight and pinkie, she just hides it most the time.
I am now in love and in lust with this series. Rarity was perfectly well-done. So was Guilty's handling of her. This chapter has given me a sort of respect for him. I thought I would've already had that from the first one.
Oh gosh... this is well done.
this was so sweet, I will just like to hold you loyal to this line later on.
~Leonzilla
2707482
First, you hang something, you hung something out.
Second, uhm, yeah.
I smirked at her. She stuck hers out right back, and fell into a fit of giggles.
First, what did Rarity stick out?
Second, if Guilty doesn't stick something out, how can Rarity stick it out right back? Whatever 'it' is?
2157435
Clop-ficy? Interesting word. I like it.
Honestly, I'm really not seeing anything that would constitute a 'clop-fic'. YES, there is sex, so, if that was the only definition of a 'clop-fic', then, yes, this qualifies as one. BUT, considering the protagonist's occupation, a little sex kinda HAS to be there. I'm going to hazard a guess that this wasn't intended for 'stroke value'. But, as a good story, it does well.
this one was super sweet
Stunning, simply stunning! I love how the story is not so much about the clop as the romance elements, the characters! Bravo!
Damn... Very deep topics. Magnificent story you have here. Great chapter
https://youtu.be/2tNedUn3TQE
Got to love this deep stuff. A rare treat in the MLP settings wrapped around.