I'm a Bachelor of Physics
OKAY SO... Here's my story, I hope you guys enjoy it. Feel free to let me know what you think. This went through MULTIPLE edits, so if something doesn't make sense let me know.
Also, I'm doing this to improve my storytelling skills, so I have some concerns about my story.
A couple of things I'm concerned about:
-How is my characterization of Twilight?
-Is my tone consistent?
This is really fun to read! I love your characterization of twilight. It's obvious it's been through a lot of editing. Keep up the good work!
Yeah, this was pretty damn good. The more directly clop parts were tasteful and rather general, spent more time with how the ponies involved were thinking or feeling then writing porn, very very nice, looking forward to more chapters in this. Guilty pleasure seems like a pretty damn good OC.
Very good fic, nice paceing and characterisation. Maybe some spelling and punctiation mistakes, but none that I could see.
Properly one that will get many likes.
You should continue this
Alrighty, I very much enjoyed this!
It's good to see from the point of view of a character who's easily relatable, which is required for being in the male escort business in the first place, and Twilight was a good choice for the first chapter (being in that it's about "first-timers," obviously ).
I think that Twilight was captured relatively well here, especially when detailing her neuroticism and outright fears when she ends up upsetting herself. Nicely done, good sir.
However, I will say that the back and forth between Twilight and Guilty feels kind of off, and the way it ended seemed rather...anti-climactic. I'm a sucker for good dialogue, and I feel like this is the only real aspect that could use some improvement.
Overall, though, it's very well-written, and I absolutely love the concept, so I would very much like to see more come from this, or at least more from you as an author
I commend you on your efforts, MagusMeister
this was really good, but I can't help but thinking......if twilight is walking away with the vibrator insider her....and mr. pleasure could see it when the wind blew.... couldn't anypony see it as she goes walking through town?
edit: although, I will admit that I was expecting a plot twist where twilight changed her mind and asked guilty to help her out with her first, but your plot choice was still really good and seemed a little more on character
Hmm... That was SO much better than what most clopfics attempt. Using sex and sexuality as a subject rather than simply a premise is refreshing. Not that this story really had much to it, plot wise. Nor was it especially graphic.
Disclaimer: the following critique is intended to relate to the very specific points addressed and not the overall quality of the fic or ability of it's writer:
I also think the bit at the end about Twi not only keeping the vibrator but wearing it is incredibly idiotic and worse, OOC. She would probably ask to buy it or accept it as a gift. But NOT steal anything EVER. Nor wear it where it could be seen by others. For that matter, if she's a virgin, would she really be wearing it internally?
Also, as for the stress incontinence thing, which is arguably confused for and with one of the types of female ejaculation, wouldn't a pro like GP ask his clients to use the facilities before beginning a session?
Glad to see so many people like this, and thank you for the criticism, it helps me get a better handle on my own skills.
Thank you all for the compliments.
Maybe they could, WIthRegardsTo... maybe they could.
That IS something I grappled with, but I opted for this ending in... for the silly.
Thank you all again, look forward to more
Edit: Oh, and tell your friends!... err, at least the ones who are into this kind of thing.
When I first saw "first story" I was like, let's see what he has to offer, but after I read it I was like, HOLY FUCK!!!!!! You sir deserve this like, and watch!
Eh I'll admit thinking about it more, her just taking it is a bit OOC, but I'm generally willing to overlook tiny things like that which are obviously just added at the end for the joke. Sure there could be some explanation for it. Expanding a bit on my earlier comment, the best part about the story is how as someone above said, it treats sex and sexuality as the subject, not the goal. You're obviously willing to have sex scenes and more clop-ish parts, but they serve to aid the story, instead of being the point of the story and I love stories like that.
Few little issues, like Twi taking the thing home with her without offering to buy it and all that, but it was clearly Rule of Funny driven. Overall a very very promising first try, and I hope to see more stories from you, and even more so hope to see more chapters from Guilty Pleasure's journal.
Thank you for the compliment.
And as for the toy, I meant for it more to be something she forgot about... going over it again, that isn't exactly clear.
italian for no problem
Definately a good read. I really enjoyed myself. Reading that is.
Why is this tagged with Derpy?
Derpy will be becoming relevant fairly soon. I wondered whether or not I should tag her straight off, but in the end I opted to do so.
>>15083951508395 should add a twilight tag but over all a good start... i like ur oc to follow the rules he set for him self... but the ending( Her tail had been upturned by the gust, Providing me with a absolute perfect view of here tight marehood. The thing that caught my attention however was the small pink wire that connected her opening to a small equally pink remote nestled in her tail.) hoo man that made me i hope she come back for more tracking for sure
I like it.
Really well done. I found this to be an excellent story with a perfect pace, great characterization, etc. If this was your first I can't imagine what you're 10th and so on will be. Keep it up, a like and a follow for you.
This was amazing! The way you portray the characters and their interaction with each other! Just fantastic! Please, PLEASE write more!
Thank you, all.
I don't really have much to say, I like how it turned out.
Point out any mistakes, and as always... Please enjoy.
This story definitely hits a chord with me. Aside from the escort part of things, Ive felt every bit of that mask Guilty puts on for his clients. Well done sir.
>>15970471597047 just a question for ya...y did u make Rarity smoke??? tho i like how u write this good work.... tho i would like to see what client was his best job where he enjoyed him self, better than rarity tho
Another great chapter, and i think this one was even better then the last. Nice work. You really do feel what Guilty is going through, trying to be whatever anypony wants him to be, and yet he does genuinely care about his clients beyond just their money. And despite being so open, there's still a good sense of mystery about him, even to the reader. Can't wait for more
It was pretty good and IC. And nothing silly like the end of the last chapter.
Rarity's desire for romance does seem like it would lead her to either true romance or detached sex. Her sensibilities not letting her indulge in casual partners. That is, if she's not still a virgin. She is pretty young after all.
On the other hand, everything other than the dialogue and characterization was pretty flat. The sex was believable but very lightly described. The lack of description detracts a bit but it also causes brevity which detracts more. Perhaps pad it with more general descriptions and observations. Rarity is a very sexy mare and more description of her body, not just the naughty bits, would be nice.
Also, noticing Derpy/Ditzy's character tag there. Is she gonna be a plot character or a plot character. because dat plot. Hnnnnngh.
Thank you for the advice, I am trying to keep the sex very mellow, since it's not really the focus of my story. That said I don't want it to be coming off as brief, so in future chapters, (and I do mean future, I already have quite a few that are mostly written) I'll try to get more description in.
And yes, Derpy will be becoming an important character very soon. Keep your eyes peeled.
I've never liked erotica like porn. I've always found being inside the character's head and having the sensory input and observation relayed to me as better than a description of what their genitals are doing to each other.
Ahh. I know I'm late, but I forgot to set it to email updates. Good thing I decided to take a stroll through my 'favorites'.
I love Guilty, and what he put's on in front of his clients. I feel like rarity now, wanting to dig through every part of him until I find my prize (which would be his personal life, obviously,). I patiently await the next chapter, and hope to see even more characters used aside from Ditzy.
Don't worry, I have a lot of chapters planned, only a ifew of which involve OC's (forgive me)
This needs a lot more likes and a lot less dislikes!
YAY another one!
And another great chapter, really loving this story, and Guilty, well it's just amazing how well everything about him comes through. You really feel for him, I'm loving it. And feel free to indulge in OC's if you want, some people need to just relax on that topic.
And as to the sex, yeah I really like the rather mellow, non-graphic way you describe it. it's happening, but it isn't the focus, the focus is on the ponies themselves, not what they are doing, but how they are feeling, and again I really love that type of thig, glad to hear you have plenty of chapter planned out, keep em coming.
Thank you, I'm glad you enjoy it. Tell your friends, I need more readers. :P
This is a nice read and a good bar above the rest of the stories I have read. I look forward to the next chapters. Reading hasn't been the same recently but this got me back in the swing of things. I thank you for brightening my holiday with your hard work.
Thanks a bunch
My goodness, I absolutely LOVE this story. Every time a new chapter is posted it just rekindles my thoughts on how great of a read it is. You really deserve a lot more praise for writing this, and I eagerly await the next chapter
There's three fics that I can't wait for new chapters for. "An Escort's Journal" is my number one!
Derpy didn't go how I thought she would, still an enjoyable character though.
And I don't think derpy paid him, or at least you just didn't mention it.
As for Golden Harvest, I didn't really care that she was the 'bad guy'. I actually find it attractive that it was emotionless pounding with her.
You are correct, it looks like that bit got lost somewhere in editing. I will make an effort to work that in soon.
Maybe you should try an orgy with a bunch of mares at once, just to mix things up. Maybe bring in Lyra, Bon Bon, Colgate, and Berry Punch?
Would also like to see a chapter with Cheerilee. Could get interesting.
Mark Twilight as a character! I literally spent hours looking for this story just to re read her chapter, and when someone else finally finds it for me I find out she somehow isn't a character? I don't mean to yell at you, but I was worried I'd never find this story again.
Also, Oh joy it wasn't over!
The only reason I haven't got her marked as a character is because She's really only in the one chapter. If I begin marking characters as they visit Guilty, I'm going to run out of marks in a few chapters. You can only mark five characters for any given story. (which is silly)
Derpy is only marked because I plan on having her be a recurring character.
That said I'm very happy that you found my story again.
In the event that I plan on bringing back other characters, I may mark them in the future, but at the moment, I have no plans to bring any characters back in a meaningful way, so I don't particularly want to mark them.
Thank you for reading, and keep an eye out.
You... You just... I love you. Your writing is astounding. You make it seem like he's a person. Don't for the life of you stop.
I was wondering when there'd be an interesting interaction like this! This chapter is one of the reasons why I like this story: There's a good amount of stuff going on outside of the bedroom. Now it's a matter of keeping content balanced.
If this story ever comes to one of the better possible endings, I wouldn't be surprised if Pinkie (and/or Derpy) have a hoof in it.
Good work so far; keep it up!