Side by side, Dan and Phoenix returned to the castle entrance. Behind them, the townsfolk, their friends, were already planning their bake sale. Ponies, people... everyone in Equestria seemed to be like that. Most didn't spend much time moping, especially when they were together as a group. Not only that, they all had something to do, something to progress towards.
What Vice seemed to have a problem understanding was all around him. Progress wasn't just reaching that brighter tomorrow. Sometimes, it was just being happy tomorrow comes and trying to make it a little brighter in your own way. But then, Vice wasn't Vice right now- he was Rice, as he had been all along.
"So, who all is going with us to All's Well?" Phoenix asked.
Dan raised his eyebrow. "With 'us', Nicky? Pretty presumptuous of you to assume I'm taking you."
"It's also assuming Twilight lets you go," Phoenix countered. "But, it's probably going to be hot, dangerous, uncomfortable, dangerous, nerve-wrackingly dangerous and dangerous."
"Don't forget dangerous."
"That too, so I figured you'd probably drag me along for the ride," Phoenix said, grinning slightly. "Besides, I knew you'd always take your best friend along for the ride, so it's only a matter of finding out who else we're bringing with us."
Dan nodded. "I guess you got me there. You know, sometimes I wonder what was the point of going on vacation," he pondered aloud. "If our lives are just one random adventure after the next, why bother taking time off?"
"To trap everyone in town on a boat and force them to do whatever you say for a few days?"
"Ah. Yeah, there was also that. Good point, Nicky."
"I want separate boats next time."
"No."
They walked up the stone steps to the door, smiling contently. It was nice just to have a plan and be among friends, especially after such a long day. Phoenix reached out to grab the handle of one side of the door, Dan the other.
Phoenix's hands brushed against the flat surface. "Uh, Dan?"
"Yeah Nicky?"
"You notice anything strange about the door?" he asked. The old doorknob didn't seem to be a doorknob. In fact, it seemed it was imprinted on the door itself. More than that, the door itself was only a print of something larger.
Dan's own fingers poked at the door until he stopped and frowned. "As a matter of fact, I do."
It took Phoenix a few moments longer. He tried to feel the sides of the door, but there weren't any. "This isn't a door."
"No, no it is not."
The realization suddenly dawned on him. He turned to Dan. "It's a static backdrop."
Dan nodded. "That it be, Nicky."
"But who would... RICE! WE'VE BEEN DUPED!"
"Eeyep."
"HE'S IN THE CASTLE WITH TWILIGHT!"
"Right again, Nicky," Dan said stoically, still frowning.
"What do we do, Dan? We don't have anything to slow him down with this time, we're out of time!" Phoenix yelled.
Dan placed his palm on the taller man's forehead. "Nicky! Becalm yourself. BECALM." Phoenix removed Dan's hand. "Right, so, we have a few things going for us. One, we have the element of surprise. Two, we have experts in stealth and sneaking tactics like Stevie, Redfield and that Jedi guy Brad. Three, we're a team and he's just one guy. Working together, we can use our skills and numbers and tactics to get the drop on him and beat him."
"Right," Phoenix nodded. "He has no idea we're coming. So what do we do?"
Dan grinned. "Oh, I think you know what we're gonna do."
The tank smashed through the static backdrop, tearing a massive hole in it and ripping the rest apart in chunks. The tank's wheels sped through the castle grounds, kicking up dirt and grass and destroying the landscape.
"Dan! The tank's not going to fit through the door!" Phoenix yelled from the backseat.
Dan fired the tank's main cannon at the door. The shot exploded, but did little damage. Not even Twilight knew, but the castle, even in its destroyed state, had a spell cast over it that protected it. This spell was very potent, similar to ones used on the other inactive castles, designed to protect them from nature while the princesses were away. There was only so much they could do, however, especially since the spell was only meant to maintain the castle rather than protect it from all-out assault.
"Dan!"
"FIT THIS!"
"DAN!"
The tank smashed through the doorway, exploding the entrance in an eruption of stones. Crushed masonry and dust filled the hall beyond, littering the entrance with rubble but the tank just kept on going. Dan sped the tank through the grand hall all the way to the throne room and crushed both thrones under its massive wheels. The walls shook as it thundered through the castle.
In the backseat, Phoenix Wright was holding on with both hands, trying to stop himself from bouncing so much. "Seriously, we don't have to destroy- we could be more GENTLE!!" his voice became a high shriek as the tank crashed through the back wall of the throne room.
The tank exploded out of the back of the castle like a tank exploding out of the back of a castle. It was a very, very specific explosion. Parts of the castle crumpled in on itself, walls collapsing even further as the tank weakened already-weak foundations.
It rolled through the courtyard like a fast bulldozer with a cannon attached to it, so, basically a tank. Again, the image of a tank is kind of iconic all its own. Even "bulldozer with a cannon attached to it" is trumped by just saying tank. It's a tank, it dominates, that's what it does. Essentially, tank is frank.
Rainbow Dash and Daring Do lifted the fountain in the center of the courtyard as the tank came rolling through. Finally, it reached the castle keep.
"Dan, that's a wall," Phoenix said, pointing out of the slot ahead of them to the wall in front of them. The keep had an additional wall with entrances to either side for protection, the chamber inside. None of them were tank-sized.
"I know, Nicky. Watch this."
"Watch it? We're about to FEEL IT!"
The tank's wheels bashed against the wall but didn't go through it. The tank bounced off of it, but Dan kept the hammer down and the tank slammed into it again. The second time, the front wheels' treads dug into the wall itself and slowly began to carry the tank up the slope. The tank climbed the wall.
"Haha! How's that for traction!? I love this tank, Nicky!"
"I want separate everything next time!"
"NO!"
Finally, the tank crashed through the doors to the chamber of the elements. Rice was holding Twilight and Spike captive atop a stone column, levitating another column just above them in a threatening manner. But Dan needed no introduction to the situation; he fired the tank's main cannon the moment he came through.
The tank rounds destroyed Harmony's Mantle, the centerpiece in the room that held the original Elements of Harmony. It crumbled like it was made of old, dry ceramic, breaking into hollow chunks. Dan continued firing, destroying several of the other columns, hitting part of the wall, in fact the tank flipped over from the momentum of it crashing through the door. Twilight and Spike, under Twilight's shield, were hit once by one of the tank's shells. As the tank skidded to the back of the room on its side, still firing, everything except Rice had been hit at least twice.
The scientist hovered, dumbfounded. He watched as the tank spun, propelled by its own wheels, almost flailing while it fired. He shook his head.
"I understand why ponies put their faith in Tia. I understand why Tia put her faith in you. But one thing, that quite frankly amazes, positively confounds me beyond all reason," he turned to Twilight, "is why YOU put YOUR faith in HIM."
"Well," Twilight said, actually considering, "He... he hasn't threatened to nuke anyone. Yet."
Dan popped out of the hatch and chucked a tank shell at Rice. "I WILL NUKE YOU AND THE CRATER IT LEAVES BEHIND AFTER I NUKE YOU!!!" The tank shell exploded meters under Rice.
Rice turned back to Twilight. He said nothing.
But Twilight was resolute on her Dan-stance. "Dan is our friend, chancellor. You've never wanted to be friends- you just want to be a ruler."
Rice grinned. "Dear Princess Twilight... I am a ruler." The column raised high above their heads. "And I did want to be friends. We were friends. But now, I don't want your friendship. I just want revenge."
Twilight raised her hooves above her head. The column came crashing down on her and Spike, breaking their shield. It smashed into the column below them.
"RIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCCCCEEEE!!!!!" Dan yelled.
Rice must be pumping some serious Structural Integrity field into every part of those pillars and grav locked them to absolute local spaceetime, depending on your model of reality, cos Higgs field. Otherwise Spike could just MINE the hay out in several ways.
Hmm. Spike the Celestial Dragon. Has Rice met King Ghidora in his planet eating form?
760 chapters to go before Season 2!
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WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE. I WILL TURN THIS FIC AROUND, I SWEAR.
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I want Mcdonalds
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We passed McDonald's. If you wanted McDonald's, you should have said you wanted McDonald's when we passed the exit that WENT TO THE squeeING MCDONALD'S.
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I thought I saw you two pass by! didn't even stop to say hi!
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WE'RE NOT STOPPING.
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RUDE
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EVERYTHING IS HATE
Oh darn it. I dozed off before writing my weekly review! Forgive me Dan-tastic Author so even though it's a day late please accept my newest review:
A new chapter means it's ~Sunday~ now lemme see n'ere *dons reading glasses*
Naww the best bromance in Equestria! Dan and Phoenix for President (and President's Attorney) of Equestria! I'm not even joking, where exactly did Tia and Lulu go after that standoff at the oasis? Unless they're regenerating from just a tail (Conker's Bad Fur Day proves tails are all you need to revive!) then they have no valid excuse! Unless Director Cleo is the reason they're not here yet! If so then that's an easily forgivable reason!
What's nex-AGAIN?! When will this bucker take the Fausticorn-damned hint?!
Go Tanky! Go! Carry Dan and Phoenix to victory! Just like my own Tanky (grey kitten), Dan's Tanky can overcome any-OH COME ON!!!
Did I miss something? Why did Twilight and Spike stay where they could easily be smooshed?! Maybe make a break for it while Vice/Rice is busy pondering why everyone is Team Dan (we all know the reason Dan )
Now for my favourite quotes:
There are many reasons Vice, but (for me)I honestly believe it's because "you do NOT buck with Dan's Friends"! He will always go to bat for his friends, no matter how dangerous or insane!
Phew, that's everything I loved (most) about this week's chapter, and I'll be eagerly awaiting the next!
Like always, thanks for making my weekend and I'll see you ~next time~
Your Eternal Fan ^_^
All right that's it, no more mister nice guy... *Takes off ridiculous top hat, removes monocle, rolls up sleeves...* Listen here you ruffian! Now it's personal!
*Picks up old rotary phone, dials.*
Hello, operator? Yes connect me with a, Barrobroadcaster please. Thank you.
*Humms patiently...*
Yes, Barro, it's Dollars calling, what? No it's not about the money, no it's not about raffle tickets, no, no it's not about money for you to get more raffle tickets... Look, I just wanted to get the number for Rice's office so that I might send him a rather strongly worded telegram on how I feel about his most recent actions. Yes, that rice... Last name Puddinghead. Yes. Yes, okay thank you old chap. Cheers, and happy holidays to you too.
*Click*
Now, to write something especially scathing. Hmm, unless scathing is too strong a word...
~Dollars
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I look forward to reading your comment every week when I'm hiding from work. Brings a smile to my face and helps get me through the work week. That's the honest truth.
Tia, Lulu and Rarity are still missing in action... but it appears Dan and the others have a good idea of where they are.
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Apologies for the delayed reply Mr Barro, just finished posting my review for this week's splendid chapter!
To quote Harley Quinn (from her role in Batman and Harley Quinn): "Aww shucks!" I'm always humbled, and super happy, hearing back from you. Your chapters have quickly become my "weekly reset" and either let me chill out even more or de-stress when I'm alone and able to read (and re-read).
Thanks so much like always for your response and wishing all the very best to you and your family.
Your Etrrnal Fan ^_^
Definitely saving that in my list of ‘Exaggerated Threats’.
Nah, you're just a smug prick, Rice.