You (okay, well, may or may not be you) let out a sigh of relief.
It's Saturday, and all the tasks you'd been meaning to complete had been, well, completed. And that means you have the rest of the day to do whatever you want. The possibilities are endless! Even now you feel the urge to step out into the big, beautiful world, grab life by the horns and ride that bronco into the sunset!
You go outside. Almost immediately you feel the bright light of the sun strike your skin with what feels like the intensity of a raging inferno. It reminds you of the time you stuck your hand in your uncle’s George Foreman grill just to see if it was really as hot as people said it was. After about ten seconds of standing outside like a fish being fried, you decide that perhaps it'd be a better idea retreat to the nice, dark basement of your house.
You sit down at your computer. With a wiggle of your fingers, much like a concert pianist about to perform his masterpiece, you begin typing.
You bring up your pride and joy; a fan website of your own device, celebrating the masterpiece that is My Little Pony. www.poniesaredecoolz.com. It had taken an arduous ten minutes to make the site, but you feel the flames you put in the backdrop really added an edgy feeling to it. Who knew coding HTML could be so hard?
No time to waste! You decide to check the comment section on the site. You aren't really expecting anything. After all, the only comment ever posted was by you, which said; "hey, you guys can comment here if you want lolz".
But that's okay. With traffic up by three people this week, someone is bound to post something.
To your surprise there is a new comment. It's quite mysterious and reads; "I need your help! Please click on the link!" Sure enough the word "link" is a bluish color, underlined in blue as well. A clear sign that some hyperlink shenanigans are taking place.
You run the choices through your head; this link could be misleading, maybe linking you to a scam or some virus. Alternatively, something awesome could happen. Who knows, maybe clicking the link will transport you to Equestria?
You think to yourself, Nah. That's way too contrived. Sounds like something that would happen in a bad fan fiction.
You don’t know what could happen. Sure, it’s just a link, but you can feel an ominous sense of foreboding. That feeling could be the link or it could be your breakfast from this morning. You can’t remember what you ate which is probably for the best.
Mulling it over for a few moments, you finally mutter, in the words of your late-cousin Eddie (just before he stuck a fork into an electrical outlet), “What could go wrong?”
You click the link.
Nothing happens. You glance around expectantly, as though space should start shifting and bending around you. You chuckle at your overreaction. "I shouldn't be so jumpy!”
That’s when space begins to start shifting and bending around you.
You leap from your chair, but it’s no use! Where are you going to go? The rest of the basement seems to be unaffected (a good thing too, as your mother would kill you if you did anything to her blue-ribbon cactus). Unfortunately, it seems that you are. Being affected, I mean. You gaze at your hand, which seems to be stretching, twisting, all before finally fading away into nothingness. You make a mental note to ask your nutritionist if this counts towards your weekly weight loss goal.
You observe as the rest of you, starting from the feet up, begins to disappear. There is little you can do, and you’re quite thankful that everything below your waist has disappeared. If it hadn't, you're fairly confident you would have peed your pants several times by now. Eventually only your head is left. And as that disappears as well, the last you think is; This is going to be one of those days, isn’t it?
And then you're gone.
As your head begins to reform on the top of your body, you attempt to look around. Well, you would look, but your eyes haven't materialized yet. You wait patiently, and when your eyes do form, you quickly examine your new location. It most certainly isn’t your basement. It's far too dry. Instead it seems you’re inside some sort of library, one with a rustic feel. Actually, you’ve no idea what rustic really looks like beyond the heavy usage of wood. But you do know there’s a lot of wood. The walls, ceiling, floor, furniture, everything's made of wood! Well, okay, the carpet isn’t. And there are a few vases. There's also a good number of shelves lined with books, but since books are made of paper (which come from trees) you think they should count towards the high percentile of wood in the building. You smile and give yourself a mental high five for your logical deduction.
That smile lasts for little more than a moment. You attribute that to your disorientation from being transported, your confusion at just what happened, and the fact that you’re now looking into the eyes of a purple cartoon unicorn, obvious proof that you’ve gone insane. You contemplate finding an inanimate object to talk to and share your troubles with when you suddenly notice that this purple pony is, in fact, Twilight Sparkle. ... Wait, no, that still means you probably went crazy. Best not to abandon the inanimate object idea quite yet.
“Oh, I’m so glad you’re here!” she cries. “I really need your help!”
“Indeed,” you respond tactfully. This was turning out to be an odd day indeed. You quickly summarize your current situation in your head; you seem to be in some sort of alternate dimension (Most likely My Little Pony because, well, why the hell not?) and Twilight Sparkle desperately needs your help.
Your mouse cursor hovers over the link for a few moments before you move it a way. You smile smugly; you’re way too smart for this anonymous messenger. You reckon you could be smarter than a fifth grader, but you aren’t quite sure.
Enough of the internet! It bores you!
And so, you stand, leaving your computer behind. You go on to get a degree in engineering, applying your knowledge of construction in many ways (like building stuff), kinda like that guy from The Fountain Head. You know that book? Interesting ideas, but damn, it was pretentious!
Sorry, back to you.
You go on and live happily ever after with five children (presumably your kids).
"Miss Sparkle," you begin in your most heroic voice, "it would be an honor to lend you my assistance!"
"That's great!" Twilight's face lights up. "I'm... not sure how you knew my name, which strikes me as pretty creepy, but we don't have time for fussy details like that!" An explosion suddenly rocks the room you’re in. Or rather, the tree you’re in. That’s right; you’re currently standing inside Twilight’s tree house-library-abode-thing. You hear a menacing cackle drift through the air, and at once you know what she needs your help for. After all, you’d recognize the sound of John DeLancie’s laugh anywhere. The unicorn gives you a sheepish grin. “You can hear what kind of trouble we're in. That’s kind of why I’ve called you here. Allow me to introduce myself; I’m Twilight Sparkle, and this is Equestria.”
She proceeds to inform you about Equestria and how she transported you here. As much as I’m sure you’d love a dialogue about all the things you already know and don't care about, I believe I’ll just skip on ahead.
“… and that’s how Equestria was made.”
“I see. Fascinating.” You yawn. “So, you’ve brought me because I’m the best individual to deal with Discord, correct?”
“Actually, I fudged the spell. I grabbed the nine hundred billion, three hundred and sixty two million, forty-two thousand, three-hundred and fiftieth individual most qualified.”
You mentally patch up your injured pride. That’s got to be in at least the top fifty percent, right? you contemplate.
“Very well,” you continue, "so why don’t you handle Discord yourself? I mean, you beat him once before.”
“You’d think it’d be that easy. Unfortunately…” Twilight walks over to the front door and opens it. She attempts to move her hoof through the entrance, but is stopped midway by some sort of invisible force. She taps a few more times and you can hear a dull thunk each time, the air seeming to ripple upon each impact. “Discord has thought ahead. Not only has he turned all my friends into shells of their former selves, he’s also trapped me inside my own home with a force field. I can’t even teleport past it!”
“If I may be so bold,” you remark, “it seems you are currently in quite the pickle. What am I supposed to do?”
Twilight gives you a knowing smile. “Because I found a loop hole. When Discord trapped me, he said, 'This force field is so powerful, not a single living thing on Equestria could possibly get through!'”
You think on this. Finally, it hits you. “I get it!” you proclaim, "you're going to kill me, throw me through the force field, and then resurrect me! I’m not “living”, so it doesn’t count! Brilliant!”
Twilight gives you a look, very similar to the one your mom gave you when you suggested that, if you flooded the basement with water, the family would have a new swimming pool. “Yes, that could work in theory. Or you could, I don't know, just walk out. After all, you weren't originally "on Equestria”, were you?”
“… Was I?”
“No! Now get going! You need to return all my friends to normal so we can use the Elements of Harmony and defeat Discord!”
“So, um, how do I do that?”
Twilight lifts a sack off a nearby table and hands it to you. “Last time this happened I had to get all my friends to remember the power of our friendship. That required holding them down and pressing my horn to their heads.”
“Kinky.”
“Shut up. I've enchanted each Element with memories of our friendship. Just get the Element around the right friend's neck and the enchantment will do the rest. It will flood their brain with memories of all the good times we've had in the past, returning them to normal. Any questions?”
"I understand you must be very confused, so please allow me to explain. I'm..." She stops as you poke her a few times. Your finger doesn't pass through so you can probably assume she exists. Just to be safe you give her a quick lick, noting for future reference that she tastes just like raisins.
She stares at you for a moment before slowly raising a hoof to her forehead. “Celestia, why must the universe hate me?” She lowers her hoof and forces a smile. “Okay, I’m going to go into denial about the fact that I’ve just summoned a complete idiot to help me. Let’s start over. I’m glad you’re here. I need your help.”
You reach for your gun only to discover you don’t actually have one.
What? Did you really think you brought a gun with you down into the basement? Or that you even own a gun?
Nevertheless, you decide to maintain a threatening presence and point your index and middle finger at the purple pony with your thumb pointed up into the air.
“I should probably explain what’s going on. My name is…” She peters off as you make incredibly intimidating “pew pew” noises. Obviously she’s been shocked into silence by your down-to-business attitude. She stares at you for a moment, before slowly raising a hoof to her forehead. “Celestia, why must the universe hate me?” She lowers her hoof and forces a smile. “Okay, I’m going to go into denial about the fact that I’ve just summoned a complete idiot to help me. Let’s start over. I’m glad you’re here. I need your help.”
Well, obviously she isn’t a changeling. Or maybe she’s a very clever changeling.
“Okay,” Twilight interrupts, “I’m going to preemptively answer your question by saying, ‘Seriously? Are you really asking me that when you could be out saving Equestria?’ You shall then respond 'You're right, I'm going to go now.'" You attempt to make another point but she steamrolls right over you. "Good luck! I’m going to try and find another way around this force field. It's up to you, random individual I just met!”
You step outside. You take a fresh whiff of the fresh air which smells like fresh bacon. Turkey bacon to be precise. Fresh turkey bacon. Nothing like the smell of chaos in the morning to get you going. And chaos is in no small shortage around here. Just from a quick scan of your environment you can see that the road is made of soap, the sky is full of clouds comprised of whipped cream, and a herd of rabbits are driving along past you. Not driving a car, driving themselves. What that means I’ll leave to you and your imagination. You get the feeling that Discord's world is going to be packed with plenty of odd things.
You glance down at the list Twilight gave you. There are five friends that were corrupted by Discord, so that means five choices on where to start. Who’re you going after first?
Sweet Apple Acres is looking well this time of year. Granted, the trees currently have leather shoes and cast-iron spatulas growing from them, but it still looks like a good bumper crop this year.
“Hey, Big Mac,” you say to a red pony curled in the branches of one of the trees. He lets out a meow in response. “Um… Hey, Granny Smith,” You pass another pony, this one frozen in place, not twitching even a single muscle. After a minute or so passes before you finally arrive at the house of the Apple family. “Hey, house,” you say jokingly, sniggering slightly, “Heh, saying hello to a house! It's funny cause houses can’t talk!”
“Good one!” the house calls out.
“Thanks, house!” But enough small talk. You need to find Applejack.
You cup your hands over your mouth. “Applejack! Where are you?!”
You hear a voice shout back from behind the Apple residence, “I’m not back here, that’s fer darn sure!”
Well, she isn’t behind the house, that's for certain. You’re about to look in the crannies of all the trees when you suddenly come to a realization. Oh, I’m so stupid! you think, With it turning from day to night all the time because of stupid Discord, I’m going to need some sort of light! I guess I’ll check behind the house for some lanterns or something.
What you find behind the house turns out to be far better than lanterns. You see Applejack lying on her back, snacking on a leather shoe. “Applejack! Is that you?!” you cry out. Behind the house was the very last place you thought she was going to be.
“Eenope!” the pony responds.
“Oh, okay.” You turn to leave when another realization hits you; that is Applejack! She’s been lying this whole time! Surely this is the wittiest foe you’ve ever encountered. “Hold on one moment! I’m on to your trickery, Applejack! And it isn’t going to work!”
“Oh, yeah?” snorts Applejack, bits of apple being spat out of her mouth in the process. “You look so smart.”
Brute force has solved problems in the past, why not now?
You snort like a bull, scraping at the ground with your shoe. You believe this to be a decent, if not intimidating, impression. If there’s one thing you got out of that trip to Spain and the Running of the Bulls, besides a concussion, it was how to act like a bull!
Applejack looks up at you nonchalantly. Suddenly, her eyes widen in fear, obviously in terror concerning the violent onslaught you’re about to- Oh, wait, she’s just choking on the tangerine she was eating. But that means she's distracted! Now's the time to strike!
You charge forward with the might of a stampeding snuffaluffagus, Element of Harmony in hand.
As she manages to hack up the tangerine, Applejack steps to one side and sticks her leg out. Too late do you realize her dastardly plan!
Now would also be a good time to mention that the house is on top of a hill.
After about thirty seconds of pain, you stand, brushing yourself off. You find, to your dismay, that the Element of Harmony is no longer on your person. You must have dropped it while you were rolling down the hill. You quickly glance around the clearing.
“Uh-oh...” The words escape your lips before you have time to suppress them.
Good news; you’ve found the Element.
Bad news; It’s currently in a bucket labeled, "Disenchanting Juice: Removes Enchantments Faster than you can Say ‘Crap, I Didn’t Want that to Happen’".
So much for turning Applejack back to normal with magic. Time for a more subtle approach…
“This…” you wheeze, “Is…” you groan, “Much easier…” You make a sound not unlike a walrus being kicked in the groin. “In the games!” You’d have thought that the Apple family would be much kinder to those that were trying to climb up the side of their house. Couldn’t they have built it a bit smaller? Granted, you had climbed to the second story before starting to ascend. That meant there was about five feet distance between you and the roof. It had been about ten minutes, and you’d gotten… nowhere.
You make a mental note that you really need to stop by the gym.
With a final grunt (a sound similar a water buffalo giving birth), you pull yourself up onto the roof. With great stealth you move across the shingles towards the opposite ledge and look over. Perfect! You’re just above Applejack! She’ll never see this coming!
Well, yeah, she could look up, but no sense in being a Debbie Downer.
But… What is it that she wasn’t going to see coming? Exactly how are you going to get the Element around her neck?
"Hey! Applejerk!" you shout as you march back up the hill, "I'm not done with you!"
"Go away," she mutters, "I'm a busy pony."
"Liar!" you hiss, "You're just sitting there eating! What are those, post-it notes you're snacking on?"
"No!" Applejack gets up. "I don't have to put up with you!" Was that a lie? You can't tell.
"I think you do." You let out a snarl that would terrify a small rodent. Cracking your neck, you hiss menacingly, "So... I heard you like apples."
You groan, slowly lifting yourself off the ground. You can't quite remember what happened in the past twenty minutes, but the pounding in your head and the ache in your stomach doesn't bode well. You look over at the figure beside you. Applejack isn't moving, and you can see apples surrounding her, saliva pouring out the corner of her mouth. It seems like a cruel parody of a Hotdiggedy-Demon video.
You can't remember much. There were some mean words exchanged, and then there was something about apples... so... many... apples... You shudder. As the expression goes, 'What happens at Sweet Apple Acres stays at Sweet Apple Acres.' This is one thing you'd prefer to stay (undiscovered, preferably), and quickly flee from the farm. >Better move on to the next pony before someone discovers you with the body.
Well, that was exhausting. Who knew saving the world would be such hard work? At least you can check another pony off of your list, whether you saved them or not.
You head back to town square, attempting to find your bearings in Discord's world of chaos. It isn't easy, but you manage to get back to the fountain in the center of town.
If you haven't noticed it yet, you see a shoddily constructed time-machine sitting just a small distance from the fountain. Seriously, it's, like, all plywood and duct tape. It's no Tardis, that's for sure.
If you've screwed up trying to help one of the ponies, you could use the time machine to get another try. Unfortunately, it seems that, on closer examination, the time machine requires small kittens as fuel, one per usage. Yes, there's a large vat of meowing kittens sitting conveniently a few feet away. But are you willing to sacrifice poor, defenseless kittens to save Equestria?
You take a deep breath. Here goes nothing... you think, and leap off the building.
As you make your way past the second story, it suddenly occurs to you that leaping off tall structures may not be the best idea. Actually, it seems like a pretty crappy idea. After all, what exactly is going to cushion your fall once you hit the bottom?
Well, how bad can it-
You hear a crunch as your face greets the ground.
"Well, that was smart," snarks Applejack between bites of her tangerine. "You know what would be a great idea? If you tried jumpin' off of town hall next."
You groan in response.
"That's what I thought."
As you peel your face out of the dirt, you hear Applejack trot away. You're not in any condition to follow her, having just smashed head first into the ground and all. At least the tooth fairy's going to make you rich tonight.
You squint your eyes, focusing on the unaware equine below. Then you realize that squinting doesn't help you see any better.
You're careful to line up your shot, taking into account the wind and trajectory. You wind up, feeling the old ring-toss skills coming back to you. Like a professional pitcher, you let fly the Element.
Unfortunately, it seems you're a lot stronger than you used to be. The Element goes speeding towards Applejack, gravity only helping to increase its velocity. Applejack is about to take a bite out of her daffodil when the Element crashes into her head, a very audible crack noise echoing through the air.
Damn! You threw that thing hard!
The pony looks around in confusion before collapsing, unconscious.
"Huh. How about that?" you mutter.
You have no time to lose! You quickly make your way back down the building and hurry to Applejack's side. Yep, she's out cold. You give her a tap with your foot. No response. Quickly and quietly you slide the Element around her neck, watching as her coat returns to its orange coloring.
Hopefully when she wakes up she won't try to figure out why there's a large lump on her head. > Onto the next pony!
You grab the nearest soap box you can find and stand on it.
"Applejack, let me tell you a little something about friendship. When I was but a wee lad and/or lass growing up on the wrong side of the tracks, I..." You start to drone on and on about friendship and its wonders. You begin first with the history of your life, making sure to leave out no detail concerning the friends you've made and lost. You then begin an in-depth discussion about the origins of friendship, such as the Latin meaning behind it and how the ancient cavemen developed camaraderie in order to overcome the harsh elements of olden days, like attacks by dinosaurs (that part may or may not have been accurate). Next comes an analysis on why sentient creatures strive for friendship, and the drive motivating them to engage in social activities. This further ties into the sexual drive of animals and how social groups are subconscious efforts to procreate, lending to the Freudian perspective that all actions are subconsciously influenced by a sex drive.
"... And that's why friendship is really a subconscious attempt to have sex and increase the size of your species' population." you conclude.
Applejack is holding her head in her hooves. You think she may be crying.
"It's okay," you say in a comforting voice. "I know you may be sad that you missed a part of my speech. but I can always repeat it."
"NO!" Applejack leaps to her feet, looking as though she's about to flee for her life. "That was horrible!"
"That... You're lying, right? You always lie..." You feel tears starting to well up in your eyes.
"I... I..." Color starts to spread across Applejack's mane, orange now replacing the grey coat. Finally, she screams, "I can't do it! I can't lie! That was one of the worst speeches I've ever heard! Celestia almighty, I need to scrub my ears!"
Well, your speech worked. Not exactly as intended, but it worked nonetheless. Now that she's back to normal, you can move on to the next pony.
"Listen up, candy apple," You put your hands on your hips in an effort too show that you. Mean. Business. "I don't have time for your little huffy attitude, so why don't you go right on ahead and change back to your normal self."
Applejack seems unperturbed. She casually chews on the lime she's holding, before taking a big bite, then spitting it at you, bouncing it skillfully off your forehead. "And why in tarnation should I listen to you?"
"Well, because..." You hold up your finger as though you're about to make a point, but words fail to leave your mouth. "Because..." Scratch that. You manage to get one word out. "Gee, that's a good question... Um... Because I'm threatening?"
She closes her eyes, continuing to snack on her popcorn. "I don't think so."
"I'm scary?"
"Try again."
"I have great teeth?"
"In your dreams."
"I can touch my nose to my tongue?"
"Now you're just desperate."
"Gah!" You stomp the ground in frustration. "I thought you're supposed to lie, not be brutally honest! Look, if you don't do what I say, I'll turn you into glue, you understand?!"
Applejack eyes you, looking you up and down. "You think you can take me?"
You scoff at her lack of confidence. "Of course I can!"
"Oh, sure," she smirks, "I believe you. Let's go right now."
"Okay," you reply, "But don't cry when I whoop your ass! And I don't mean a donkey, I mean ass as in rump. Rear end. Behi-" A pair of hooves smash into your lower jaw, causing your teeth to practically shatter as your mouth is forced shut.
"Please, continue," Applejack says. "I want to hear every valuable word that leaves your mouth." You can't tell, but you think your teeth fused together from the impact. "What's wrong?" the pony grins. "I'm sure you'd like to go for round two, right?"
At those words, you flee, leaving a trail of dust in your wake. You most certainly won't be lying when you say that you aren't crossing that crazy pony's path again anytime in the near future.
"Oh, Applejack," You get down on one knee. "Ever since my eyes have wandered upon your graceful and grey form, my heart has been beating like a drum! I feel things stir inside me that I've never felt before!"
Applejack raises an eyebrow. "Something you had for lunch not sittin' well with you?"
"No, I mean I'm in love!"
"Oh, okay. With who?"
You whip out some castanets, clacking them together as you shimmy up to Applejack. In her ear, you whisper gently, "You."
"Oh, um, uh..." Applejack backs away nervously. "Sorry, but I'm, uh, already engaged. Yeah, that's it... With Bloomberg!"
You roll your eyes. "Applejack, of all the lies you've told me so far, this one is the most outlandish." You hear a loud thumping noise approaching you from behind, but ignore it. "I mean, seriously. Maybe I would've fallen for the being engaged part. Maybe I would've fallen for a specific stallion. But Bloom-" You stop as a large shadow blocks out the sun. Something taps you on the shoulder. You turn around slowly, only to see something much like an ent towering over you. You gulp nervously. "Um, hello. What can I do for you...?"
The creature has an extremely deep voice. It growls, "Are you messing with my girl?"
"Oh, uh, you must be Bloomberg! It's a pleasure, to meet-"
Bloomberg grabs you by the scruff of your collar and lifts you up, looking you dead in the eye, two oaken pupils staring into your soul. "Have. You. Been. Messing. With. My. Girl?"
You let out a tiny squeak. "Maybe a little..."
Turns out Bloomberg is strong. Really strong. This can be backed by the fact you are currently flying through the air at around forty miles per hour, and quickly approaching a large tree.
Fluttershy’s cottage looks relatively peaceful. The keyword here is 'relatively'. That’s because, in comparison to the rest of Discord’s mayhem, it doesn't appear to be nearly as chaotic as the rest of Ponyville. The birds that are burrowing through the ground by spinning like a drill and the turtles that have water cannons mounted on their backs are fairly docile compared to many of the things you’d witnessed that day.
You can’t help but think to yourself, This is going to be a peace of cake. Maybe strawberry cake. Or oreo. This is Fluttershy you’re dealing with. Maybe if you were dealing with a slightly temperamental blue jay you’d be concerned, but Fluttershy? There are phone books more frightening than her!
Nevertheless, there’s something a little… menacing about this upcoming ordeal.
You shrug. The feeling’s probably just something you ate earlier. Your friend told you a week old cinnabun would taste horrible, but you believe stale pastries are an acquired taste.
You give Fluttershy’s door a push. It swings open with little resistance.
“Like taking candy from a-” You stop mid-sentence. A reasonable thing to do, considering a bucket, one which was perched precariously on top of the door, has suddenly fallen on top of your head. The contents soak you to the bone.
You were right, that off feeling is just the cinnabun acting up. This cottage isn't eerie- just annoying.
“Ha!” a voice cries out. As you take off the bucket, Fluttershy flies into view, a sinister smile stretching across her face. “Hey, idiot! What’s soaking wet and clueless?”
Fluttershy slams another bucket on your head, this one filled with what appears to be gelatin. “Your FACE!” She laughs cruelly as you remove the second bucket. The gelatin's to be lime flavored.
You hate lime.
“Fluttershy, you’re being very rude! What would Angel say if he saw you now!?”
She feigns deep thought. “Hmm, I don’t know, you’ll need to ask him yourself since I kicked his lazy butt out of my cottage.”
"So..." You rub your chin thoughtfully. "You want to mean now, eh?"
Fluttershy scoffs, "The old Fluttershy was a push over. New Fluttershy is much, much better."
"I see..." Time to go reverse psychology on her Flutterass. "Well, I like it when you're being mean."
"... What?"
"Oh yes..." You start pacing the room, arms folded behind your back. "As a matter of fact, it would be very, very mean if you started acting nice to me. I would absolutely hate that!"
Fluttershy eyes you carefully. You can feel a bead of sweat roll down your face as she analyzes you. You can't tell if she's buying it or not.
"Very well..." Her smile widens, and you can see a malicious glint in her eye. "You don't like nice? I'll give you nice..."
Ha! It worked!
Fluttershy approaches you, the malicious grin still on her face.
For some reason, you have a great urge to cower in a corner.
"Aarghhh!" you scream as you flee from the cottage.
"Come back!" Fluttershy calls after you. "You haven't finished your soup!"
"Get away from me you crazy pony!" You don't look back as you run at a breakneck pace, wanting to get away from her cottage as quickly as possible. Memories flash through your head, but in your panic you have trouble sifting through the jumble. There's thoughts of soup, fluffy mammals, and - a shiver runs up your spine- diapers. You'll never look at nice Fluttershy the same way ever again.
“I know.” You put on a pair of sunglasses. “Your face.” With that, you smash your fist into Fluttershy’s cranium, sending the shocked pegasus flying. Well, you know, not, like, flying with wings. I mean flying because you hit her so hard she started... Never mind.
You smugly smile, thinking about how you should write a book of one liners. That smile quickly turns to horror, however. Fluttershy is spiraling towards the fireplace! You dive to catch her, only to realize she’s a good twenty feet away. You only dive about five feet.
But that’s okay. You let out a sigh of relief as Fluttershy lands a few feet away from the roaring fire and not in it.
“That was close,” you murmur.
Then Fluttershy randomly bursts into flames.
You open and close your mouth in shock, akin to your former pet trout, Charles the Third. Oddly enough, he died from burn injuries while still in his fish bowl. You still have no clue how that happened, much like how you have no clue how the pegasus spontaneously combusted despite being approximately three feet from the fireplace.
“Um… Stop, drop, and roll?” you call out helpfully to the shrieking Fluttershy. No response.
… Well? Don’t just stand there!
You quickly look around for anything to put the fire out, and notice that Fluttershy has a whole bunch of buckets lying around with various liquids. It seems she’s readily prepared to slam a bucket over someone's head on short notice.
You grab the bucket in the closet. There may be a whole mess of cleaning fluids in there, but that’s no reason the bucket is going to be filled with any. Most likely the bucket is filled with water for mopping up after the cleaning fluids are used. Or something like that.
You throw the contents of the bucket on Fluttershy and for once your suspicions are correct. The fire goes out as the water hits, leaving a wet pony in its place. You let out a sigh of relief, thankful that the bucket was full of water and not something ridiculous like, you don’t know, gasoline.
“You… You saved me?” Fluttershy warily asks.
“Well, yeah. I’m not going to defeat Discord if you’re a burnt-out husk.”
“But… I was such a jerk to you.”
You shrug. “Meh. Water off a duck’s back.”
Fluttershy gives you a smile as the color returns to her grey (and singed) coat, a butterscotch yellow. “Thank you! If there’s anything I can do, name it.”
Of course you ask her for help in beating Discord (That was what you were going to ask for… right?), and she readily agrees.
You grab the bucket sitting by the sink. Obviously if it’s sitting by the sink it should be filled with water, right? You throw the contents on her, catching her straight in the face. Yes, the fire goes out. Good job. Unfortunately, the bucket was not filled with water. After all, who needs a bucket of water sitting next to a sink? Don’t you already have enough water from the sink? Why would you need a bucket for it?
No, that bucket was filled with some sort of cleaning fluid.
Fluttershy lets out a horrifying shriek as she begins to scratch at her eyes. “They burn!” she cries. “It’s like my eyes are on fire!”
“At least the rest of you isn’t.” you respond. Honestly, can’t she be appreciative of anything you do?
Tactfully, Fluttershy retorts, “GAAAHH,” which you assume is a sign for you to get going before she decides to kill you.
You haphazardly grab the bucket. As long as it’s some sort of liquid it’s bound to put out the fire, right? You throw the contents onto Fluttershy, and watch as the flames suddenly explode into a raging inferno.
Congratulations! You just threw gasoline onto a flaming pony! And it’s Fluttershy too, so I guess Satan’s going to reserve you a nice, special place in hell.
In any case, you need to cover your ears as Fluttershy’s pitch heightens. Why did she have gasoline lying around on the floor? I guess you’ll never know, since the only pony who could’ve told you is now in the process of becoming well-done.
“Your-” With the speed of a crippled turtle, you slap the Element around Fluttershy’s neck. You aren’t quite sure if slap is the descriptor for this, but, if it is, you slapped very successfully. Fluttershy blinks a few times in surprise. After a shake of her head, she smiles at you sweetly. “Why, thank you.” But then her sweet smile turns sour faster than you running to the bathroom after eating Taco Bell. “Allow me to return the favor.” A hoof suddenly slams into your face, sending you flying.
With a thump you land on the floor of the cottage a few feet away, skidding a few feet. Your eyes meet with the label on the bucket that hit you when you first walked in. “Disenchanting Juice: Removes Enchantments Faster than you can Say ‘Crap, I Didn’t Want that to Happen’.” you read. “Oh, come on! Really?!” Thankfully you left the bag with the other Elements outside, so the others weren’t soaked in the concoction as well.
Unfortunately, this means you’ll need to rely on your wiles and ingenuity to turn Fluttershy back to normal.
“Alright…” You spit out a bit of blood. “I’m not taking any more of your crap.”
Oh boy! We’ve got a bad-ass over here! And it seems that bad-ass is you!
“What did you say?” Fluttershy arches an eyebrow.
“You heard me.” You crack your neck, then your knuckles, then your back, then left foot. “I’m not putting up with you any longer!”
“Oh really?” Fluttershy swoops over to you, hovering eye to eye. “And what are you gonna do about it…” She narrows her eyes. “Punk.”
For a minute or so the two of you stare into each others eyes. You can feel her gaze penetrating your skull. Not literally, that would be weird.
Finally you take a deep breath and, with all the gusto and manliness you have, shout, “Oh sweet Celestia I’m sorry please don’t hurt me I’ll do anything!”
About an hour later, you find yourself outside of Fluttershy’s cottage, the door slamming behind you. You may not have turned Fluttershy back to normal, but at least you have the pleasure of knowing you made the lives of Fluttershy’s electric eels a little nicer.
You inform your brain that it’s time to turn on the charm.
You wiggle your eyebrows provocatively, just like your friend Earl told you to do. “Flutterbitch, we’re-”
“WHAT DID YOU CALL ME?!”
You wince at your mistake. Perhaps there’s a reason your friend Earl is in prison on charges of sexual assault. “Okay, that came out wrong. Let me start over…”
You suck in your stomach in an attempt to look more buff. Ignoring the fact that it doesn’t work at all, you proceed to show Fluttershy you’re the boss of this relationship.
“Fluttershy, you’re being a real jerk right now. I demand you stop!”
She gives an obnoxious sniff, and turns her nose up at you. “Make me.”
Oh, that behavior real peeves your cheese.
It’s go time.
“Graargh!” you roar in an intimidating manner. You attempt to rip your shirt in two, but it seems cotton is far more durable than you thought. “Fluttershy, you better listen to me, or I’m going to rock.” You flex your muscles. “Your.” Some more flexing. “WORLD!” And a bit more flexing, for emphasis.
Unfortunately, you flexing your muscles is about as intimidating as limp spaghetti flopping around, and Fluttershy simply gives you a look, a look quite similar to the one your father gave you when you boasted you could finally bench 50lbs. “Really? That’s it?”
“Well… Yeah. Did the flexing work?”
She shakes her head. “If Angel scares me more than you do, there’s something wrong.”
“Hey, Angel’s pretty scary…” you weakly retort.
“Look…” the pegasus continues, a smirk on her face. “Believe it or not, I’ve had some assertiveness training. I’ll give you some tips. For a price.”
An hour later, you find yourself walking away from Fluttershy’s cottage. You’re one hundred dollars poorer, but you have gained far more in terms of knowledge. You go over in your head several mantras; “No means no, you laugh at me I laugh at you, if it doesn’t fit don’t quit…” You also have a card for Iron Will’s assertiveness program, but you probably won’t use it.
You have the feeling as though you forgot to do something important, but you can’t quite place it.
Fluttershy rounds the corner of her cottage (does it even have corners?) and is clearly surprised by what she sees.
“Hello Fluttershy,” you say calmly, “Please, take a seat.”
Too surprised to argue, the pegasus sits down on one of the empty stools. She stares at the other animals that are occupying the other stools. “What in Equestria are you idiots doing!?”
“Please, we’re only here to help,” you continue. You make a sweeping gesture with your hand towards all the animals assembled, each occupying their own stool. “We think it’s very important to let you know how your new behavior is affecting all of us. Frank?”
A badger sitting a few stools away from Fluttershy nods. “Fluttershy. I’ve always thought you were one of the sweetest ponies I’ve ever known. But the way you’ve been acting lately hurts, just as much as that time I got a splinter in my paw. And you know who pulled it out? Fluttershy did.” He begins to tear up. “But that Fluttershy seems to have gone away, replaced by this… monster!” He finally breaks down completely, and a few of the other move to comfort him.
“It’s okay, Frank,” a squirrel says, patting the badger on the back.
“BZZZZZZZZ,” adds the bee.
“Fluttershy, can’t you see that your behavior is hurting all of us?” a vulture pleads. “We rely on you so much. You mean a lot to every one of us.”
“What do you say, Fluttershy?” you ask. “Do you see what you’re doing to these poor critters? Don’t you feel bad?”
“No, not really,” Fluttershy states curtly, and flies away.
“… Well, screw her!” a bear yells. “Come on, everybody, I hear there’s a town nearby we can raid for food!” All the animals wander off, grumbling angrily.
Well... It seems Ponyville is about to be raided by a horde of disgruntled animals. Perhaps it’s best if you stop while you’re behind.
Your granny had always pinched your cheeks and said you were adorable. Time to see if she was right.
With incredible technique and skill, you widen your eyes to the point of stupidity. You can feel them start to water as you form the most innocent of frowns on your face. You hold your hands behind your back and kick awkwardly at the ground, pretending to be shy and vulnerable. You make a note to yourself to never, ever do this again.
Fluttershy smirks. “Oh, is the wittle-bitty baby gonna cry?”
This next part is critical. You need to get the voice just right.
In the most adorable, innocent voice you can muster, you say, “I’m sorry, Fluttershy. I hope you aren’t mad at me. I’d never want to disappoint you…”
The pegasus’ eye twitches. “Apology not accepted!”
“But I’m SO sorry!” Sweet Celestia, you want to puke out all the sugary goodness right now. Once you get home, you’re going to play Doom till you start growing a mustache from the sheer manliness (if you are female, this statement still applies).
Fluttershy begins to sweat. “You… You’re not forgiven for anything! I hate you!”
It’s time to drive it home.
You force tears to run down our eyes.
Fluttershy watches the spectacle for a moment, before finally breaking down. “Oh! I can’t stand it!” She tackles you, giving you a great big squeeze. “You’re just so adorable! I can’t hurt you!” You can feel the air being hugged out of you, and your ribs begin to bend. Somehow you manage to wheeze out “Success!” as you watch Fluttershy’s coat change from the miserable grey color to a bright yellow. “You poor darling, I forgive you a thousand times over! Let me get you some soup, you poor dear!”
An hour later you find yourself outside Fluttershy’s cottage, belly full and your boo-boos taken care of. Fluttershy is a bit apprehensive at the prospect of battling Discord again, but she quickly agrees to help.
You cautiously open the door to Carousel Boutique. You’ve always had an adverse reaction to high fashion, a fear you suspect stems from that time you managed to get stuck in a tux for a week following that accident with the glue. Caution will be incredibly important here.
As you enter, you work on being stealthy. There's a whole bunch of dresses dancing to some weird song, and you don’t want to be spotted. Surely Rarity is upstairs doing whatever it is dastardly clothes makers do.
Sneaking over to the staircase, you see Sweetie Belle perched in the middle of the stairs, staring off into space. It’s kind of creepy, actually. And disturbing. Perhaps sixty percent creepy and forty percent disturbing, but you’ll need someone to double check those numbers for you.
The obvious route is to just climb the stairs, but you could try something else…
You shrug. No reason to make this a complex affair.
As you walk up the stairs, you give a little wave to Sweetie Belle. What a good kid! Suddenly, her eyes go wide, her pupils dilate, and you see her mouth open wider than Uncle Vern’s at the dinner table on Thanksgiving Day. A loud screech erupts from her mouth, practically deafening you from such a close distance. You clap your hands over your ears, wishing for the noise to stop. Out of the corner of your eye you see all the formally dancing dresses jerk to a stop. They turn towards you, and make a mad rush in your direction.
Freezing up, you can’t move as you feel fabric wrap around your limbs, as though they’re trying to grab you. You’re pretty positive you had a nightmare like this once, except there were Danish pastries in that dream so it wasn’t quite so bad.
You almost panic, but you know that you need to stay cool. Thinking quickly, you quickly run right into a wall, knocking yourself unconscious.
“Ma petite dejouner…” you coo, attempting to channel your inner Frenchman. “Surely you do not want to keep a man and/or woman like me stuck on a wall?”
She gives you an odd look. "I... beg your pardon?"
You continue, "Rarity, you age like fine wine! Like fine cheese! Like fine milk even!"
Rarity gives you an incredulous stare. “You know what?” she says. “I think you’re right.” Ha ha! Your devilish wiles have worked again, you lucky dog, you!
“I’m glad you view the situation in the same light I do, my petite, uh, cherie.” Was that even a word? Rarity doesn't say anything as she magically lifts you and the frame off the wall. “You can just cut me down, my marshmallow sundae…” You begin to get nervous as you and the frame hover out the window.
“You’re right,” Rarity finally says. “I don’t want you on my wall. You’re far too creepy.” You feel the bonds snap. “I’ll keep the frame, however. At least it shuts up.”
You better say hello to the ground, because the two of you are going to be well acquainted in a few seconds.
You struggle, pulling and grunting as you wrestle with the leather that’s securing your arms and legs. You don’t exactly turn green. More of a reddish hue instead.
While you’re doing this, Rarity is rolling on the floor, laughing hysterically at your attempts. “This is great!” she manages, gasping for air. “I’m going to let you go!”
You smile. “I’m so funny you’re going to let me out of here?”
“Ha! No! The redness of your face completely clashes with the colors of my décor! Out you go!”
Good news! You’re free! Better news! You’re experiencing the wonders of flight! Bad news! Some would classify that flight as falling with style out of Rarity’s second story window!
Well, Rarity isn’t a computer, but it’s still worth a try.
“So, Rarity. You want everything, yes?”
She sneers. “Of course! Everything should belong to me!”
“So… What if I gave you a gift? Would you want anything I give you?”
“That question is preposterous! Of course I’ll want anything you’ll give me!” Rarity’s nose is raised so high it seems like she's bout to crash through the ceiling.
You grin. Normally your brain wasn’t this clever, but you suppose there’s always that one mad spark of genius everyone gets now and then. “Alright then… I give you nothing.”
Rarity froze. “What?”
“I’ll give you nothing. And since you want whatever I offer you, that means you now want nothing. That also means you can’t possibly want anything else, since anything else would be something, and not nothing. And since you also want anything I offer you, if I offer you something that isn’t nothing, that’ll be an endless cycle.” You smirk. "Checkmate." You’d give your brain a high five, but you’re kind of tied down.
Rarity’s eye twitched. “But I want everything... Which isn’t nothing... But I want nothing since I also want everything, but that isn't nothing which I want, but if I want nothing I won't get everything which I do want but that would be something which is nothing which I want since everything-” You watch her left eye twitch, and you think she's about to start frothing at the mouth. Suddenly, a serene calm fell over Rarity. Her gray coat turns to a mayo white, just like her old self. “You know," she sighs, "Maybe I don’t need everything.”
You huff and puff as you try climbing up the side of the boutique. Perhaps it would be easier if you had found a radioactive spider first, but you doubt the pet shop would be open on a Saturday.
You finally manage to pull yourself onto the angled roof of the first floor, and quickly scramble up so you can look into the second story window. Sure enough, Rarity's inside, vainly examining herself in the mirror. You smirk. This will be easy! Rarity isn’t exactly known for her fighting skills.
You charge through the window, bracing for impact. This is easy because it isn’t locked, so it swings open with little resistance. You should really check these things before hand.
“Rarity,” you shout heroically. “I’ve come to turn you back to normal. Don’t resist or I’ll-”
“Tom…” Rarity’s voice is incredibly calm. “Be a dear and show this imbecile what happens when he trespasses on my property.”
You turn slowly. Oh no! Your worst fears have come true! Why didn't you see him through the window, dammit?!
“Alright, Tom, put up your dukes!” you shout. You go to roll up your sleeves, which is kind of silly since you’re wearing a T-shirt.
“C’mon, Tommy, show that ruffian what a real diamond is made of!” Rarity calls out.
You take a boxing stance, taking a few jabs at the air. If you could get in there and land a few quick jab, maybe you can drop Tom quickly with an uppercut before he reacts. You approach him slowly, and the rock holds his ground. Like a mighty lion, you throw a punch at Tom’s left side. The rock fails to dodge, and your blow connects. A moment passes.
“AARRRGGGGHHHH!” you shriek, clutching your throbbing fist. It seems you forgot to take into account that Tom is made of solid rock.
Rarity lets out a cheer. “That’s my hunk of carbon! Give him the one-two punch!”
You turn your back on Tom, hissing at Rarity (you always knew that forked tongue surgery was worth it), “Hey, no comments from the peanut gallery!” Suddenly, you feel something hit you incredibly hard in the back, sending you sprawling face first onto the floor. The Element goes sailing out of your pocket, landing in front of Rarity. Her eyes widen, and a greedy smile grows across her face.
She pounces on the piece of jewelry. “MINE!” She quickly puts it around her neck. “ALL MINE! ALL-” The necklace begins to glow, and Rarity gasps in shock. You watch as her coat suddenly turns from that horrid grey to a beautiful, marshmallow white. “I… I’ve been acting most atrociously…”
With your spine now bent at an odd angle, you manage a little “yay”. You've turned her back to normal! Hooray!
Perhaps Rarity will let you sit in the corner and cry in pain for a while before you move on to the next pony.
You straighten your T-Shirt and give a polite cough. You didn’t pass your Speech Fundamentals class for nothing! “Pardon me, my good gem” you begin. “I can’t help but notice that both of us have similar interests. We’re like two stones of the same quarry, you might say.”
Tom remains silent.
You continue. “I know one thing’s true; you care for Rarity and I care for Rarity. We both want the best for her, right?”
More silence.
You tug at your T-Shirt nervously. “Um, you see, Rarity is in a bit of a funk right now. Discord's messed with her brain, and she’s become very greedy because of it. If I could just put this around her neck she’d-”
Tom retorts with silence.
“Oh, er, I guess that’s a good point…”
Tom follows up with intense silence.
You begin to sweat. “My mother and I have a great relationship! Don’t you dare bring her-”
Tom concludes with silence.
You break into tears. “Well if that’s how you’re going to be, then FINE. I don’t want to help her anyway!” You run down the stairs, eyes blurry with tears of shame. You swear to never share the horrid messages that cruel stone relayed to you. Never…
Luckily for you dresses are rather clumsy. You dodge to and fro, avoiding the frightening grasp of soft cotton and gentle fabrics.
“Grab him! GRAB HIM!” Rarity shrieks. You’re about to reach her, Element in hand, when she shouts a command. “Sweetie Bot! Activate!”
“Processing request… Calculating trajectory.” Sweetie Bot’s head once again splits in two.
It’s now or never!
You make a mighty leap, grabbing onto Sweetie Bot in an attempt to disarm her.
“So, I was about to grab some flowers when I realized that I was a floating head, and-” A huge explosion echos through the air. Carrot Top (who's disembodied head is floating in mid-air) and Golden Delight turn their heads towards Carousel Boutique, which is now a smoking wreckage. Smoke billows into the air as a lone figure stumbles out into the clearing. As it walks past them, it mutters; “Okay. Not exactly as planned. Maybe I’ll move onto the next pony...” >And so you do. To the list!
You pop open the CD player. The best hits of El Mudo? Barf! You whip out your burned copy of Party Rock Anthem. You’re always prepared just in the case some emergency shuffling is needed.
You pop in the CD, hit play, and proceed to dance like there’s no tomorrow.
As you drop some crazy moves on the dance floor, you see that the dresses match your movements as closely as pony dresses can. And for a minute, all is awesome.
Then there's a shriek.
“WHAT ARE YOU ALL DOING?!” All the dresses freeze, and you can hear the CD player run away in fear, taking the music with it. “You all know that only MY music can be played, because it’s MY CD player!” You turn to see a furious Rarity on the staircase. Sweetie Belle's standing next to her, still staring off into space.
“Actually,” one of the dresses says, “That CD player belongs to Karl.”
Rarity makes a snapping noise with her hoof (an amazing feat for a creature without fingers). “Sweetie Bot!” On command, Sweetie Belle’s head seems to split neatly down the center, the two halves folding to each side. Where the base of her neck should be, there's some sort of nozzle. It's only when flames erupt from it that you realize Sweetie Bot is packing a flamethrower. The poor dress is engulfed in flames, and is incinerated almost instantly. “Anyone else care to dispute my ownership?” No one says anything. You edge slowly towards the door, much like a ninja. Unfortunately, you are emulating a very, very visible ninja. Rarity points to you. “Get him! He’s MINE!”
As kinky as that sounds, you decide a retreat is in order. But there are dresses blocking the door! And more dresses are coming to grab you! What a sad day it is that once great dance partners are forced into becoming enemies.
Quickly you turn around with the grace of a ballerina that had both of her feet cut off. You make a dash towards a bored looking Rarity, while simultaneously pulling out the Element. She scoffs; “A true gentleman would never assault a lady!” And with that, she throws the contents of a glass at you. Though she hits you square on, you continue to charge forward. A man like you wouldn’t be stopped by a simple liquid!
“A-ha!” you shout triumphantly, fitting the Element around Rarity’s neck. This is probably the easiest you’ve had it all day! Now to just watch and see…
… Nothing happens.
You glance at the glass that Rarity had been using. There's a little label that reads; 'Disenchanting Juice: Removes Enchantments Faster than you can Say ‘Crap, I Didn’t Want that to Happen’. You shout, “Oh, this is BS!”
“Thank you for the necklace,” Rarity smiles at you sweetly. “Unfortunately, that doesn’t change the fact you’re still on my property. Tom?” You feel something grab hold of your shoulder.
Slowly you stand up. Counting your broken ribs, you make a mental note to try not to be thrown out of second story windows in the near future. Also, never go into Rarity’s boutique ever again. > Let’s get back to that let's try the next pony, shall we?
Screw stealth! All the movies you've seen weren't about ninjas hiding, they were about fighting!
You begin to run, crouched over, swinging your hands in karate chopping motions at any dress that dares to approach you. The dress are wary, a sure sign that you are incredibly awesome, able to cut fabricate with a quick swipe of your hand. It’s so effective, that you manage to get out the front door, laughing as you hear Rarity’s shrieks of frustration.
You shut the door firmly behind you before running off.
Give yourself a high-five, you successfully… Oh, wait a tic. You were supposed to get Rarity back to normal, not dance to kickin’ music and then run away.
You crash through the door, sprinting towards Pinkie Pie. You’re about to reach her when she grumbles, “I hate my Pinkie sense!” She nimbly sidesteps you and your momentum carries you forward. If you were trying to tackle the wall, then congratulations, you succeeded. Otherwise, you just smashed into a wall.
You gingerly peel yourself off it, admiring the you-shaped indent left there. With Pinkie’s Pinkie sense, there’s no way you’re going to get anywhere near her. She’s going to be able to dodge anything! Obviously, Pinkie is going to be at the top of her game, attempting to anticipate the amazing scheme you’re going to come up wi-
Hey! She’s leaving!
You watch as Pinkie walks out the door you just came in. “But I haven’t saved you yet!” you call after her pathetically.
“I hate old Pinkie Pie!” she yells back over her shoulder.
This is it. Your brilliant plan is about to come together.
It had taken a lot of thought and time, but you're about to finally pull it off!
You see, in a moment of brilliance, you realized that Pinkie would never suspect any surprises coming from sugary treats. It would be easy; get one of those fake cakes that you can hide inside, climb in, and, when she came to eat, BLAM! You’d leap out and put the Element around her neck!
Of course, first you had to make a cake. Since a regular, run of the mill cake wouldn’t do, you took up residence in Fillydelphia, where you took college classes in baking. It took a couple of years, but you managed to get an associative degree in culinary arts. After working part time at a restaurant for a few months in order to afford the ingredients for the cake, you finally returned to Ponyville. It was just as freaky as you left it, what with Discord being on the loose and all that. You assembled the cake, making sure that there was an area inside for you to crouch till you could pounce. After observing Pinkie Pie’s routine for a few days to get a handle where best to surprise her, you’d maneuvered the cake into place.
And finally, you’re ready.
Wait! Are those Pinkie Pie’s hoof steps you hear? You remain deathly quiet, nerves tingling like your mom’s window chimes.
“I hate cake!” Pinkie Pie shouts.
Oh. That’s right. You forgot that discorded Pinkie hates treats, along with everything else.
It's only a few minutes before you find yourself in the trash outside of Sugar Cube Corner. You’ve always wondered what it was like to be wasted.
Well, that was time poorly spent. And now you have to pay back your student loans. Perhaps it’s best if you move on to the next pony before you fall into more debt.
You whip out your trusty keytar, a handy instrument you always carry with you. You’ve always scoffed at your foolish friends who learned how to play the piano instead. The keytar is a far harder instrument to master! After all, you need to STAND to play the keytar!
What’s that? You’re wondering why you were carrying a keytar this entire time, and why it was never mentioned before?
Well don’t ask me, you’re the one carrying the damned thing around.
Anyway, you turn the power on; there’s a soft hum, which you aren’t sure is normal for a keytar. Pinkie gives you an incredulous look. “I hate music!” she shouts.
“Well, Pinkie,” You give her what you believe to be a charming smile. "You better prepare yourself, cause I've got the key to your heart right here!"
What song are you going to play to sooth this savage beast!?
Luckily you won the award of “most likely to whistle for a living” in your high school year book, so you easily kick the song off with some kick-ass whistling. Unfortunately, your keytar playing is less than stellar. Actually, you trying to whistle and sing at the same time proves to be around the seventh stupidest thing you’ve ever tried to do. Considering that you don’t even have the moves like Jagger, you end up failing miserably.
But all is not lost! You see that, in your awfulness, Pinkie has actually started giggling. You’re actually so awful it’s funny!
Using all your musical awkwardness, you finish off the song with a bang.
And by bang, I mean you trip over your own two feet and go sprawling. Pinkie doubles over with laughter, and you can see the color returning to her grey coat.
Wiping a tear away from her eye, Pinkie manages to say, “I haven’t laughed like that in a long time! You’re good!”
You grin with pride. Finally, your poor musical prowess has paid off!
You open your mouth to begin singing, but suddenly Pinkie Pie reacts oddly. Her tail wiggles, her ears flap twice, and her eyes bug out. “Rebecca…” she whispers, her voice dripping with hate, soaked in malice, and slightly moist with disgust.
“It’s Fri-” But no further words can leave your mouth as you feel a hoof driving into your gut, and another hoof smashing into your poor keytar.
Grabbing you by the scruff of your collar, Pinkie lifts you up and looks you straight in the eye. She growls, “I. Hate. Rebecca Black.”
Your memory is a bit fuzzy, but you remember something about being smashed through a wall, set on fire, and being forced to listen to “You Gotta Share” (made all the worse in that the only accompanying instrument was your broken keytar).
Now you find yourself outside of Sugar Cube Corner. As much as you’d love to rupture a few more organs, you decide you’re going to let Pinkie be and move onto the next pony.
You begin to sing about the wonders of using canvas bags when going to the supermarket as opposed to using the plastic bags that are provided to you. You then sing about the wonderful environmental impact there would be if everypony would just use those damn canvas bags.
The message is so beautiful you can feel tears starting to run down your face as you finish the last verse, improvising the last five seconds from the pure emotion running through you.
Pinkie stands there, looking shocked.
“Well?” you finally ask. “What have you learned?”
“I…” Pinkie stammers. “I never knew…”
You broke through! Good job!
“It’s all so clear now…” Pinkie continues, wandering over to a cabinet. Opening it, she pulls out a plastic bag. “All this time I’ve been hurting the environment… I’ve been such a meanie… There’s only one thing I can do.”
“That’s great!” you proclaim.
“I must rid the world of my harmful presence.”
“Um…”
“And I’ll die with the very tool I used to harm the poor plants and animals!”
“Er… Maybe you could just start using canvas bags?”
Pinkie Pie slips the bag over her head and tightens it.
“Um… Pinkie Pie? If you aren’t careful, you’re going to-”
“Be quiet, I’m busy suffocating!”
You don’t have the heart to tell her that the bag has more holes than Swiss cheese. “Okay. I’ll just let you work out your problems, okay?”
With a mighty heave, you chuck the Element at Pinkie Pie with all your strength. It sails right over her head, landing in a bucket labeled “Disenchanting Juice: Removes Enchantments Faster than you can Say ‘Crap, I Didn’t Want that to Happen’”.
“Gaargh!” you comment thoughtfully.
Nice job. I hear the Olympics are looking for people that they can use to demonstrate how not to perform the shot-put. You’d be prefect.
“HYA!” you scream at the top of your lungs, giving the door a swift and brutal karate chop. Immediately you recoil, suddenly realizing your fist is not made for slamming against wood.
You then follow up with a swift kick to the door. Wasn’t the door slightly open already? Can’t you open it like a normal person?
Pinkie gives you an apathetic glance. Perhaps that’s how she shows fear? After all, you are a pretty intimidating force to be reckoned with. Recalling all the Karate Kid movies you’ve ever seen, you lift your hands into the air and stand on one leg, achieving the masterful position of the crane. “Come at me bro!” you shout.
Pinkie’s eyebrow rises. Pursing her lips, she blows in your direction. Suddenly, you find yourself pinwheeling your arms in an attempt to regain balance.
Spoiler; you don’t.
You do get the pleasure of greeting the floor with your face, however. It responds with a polite “hello”.
You didn’t land a single blow, but you still feel that you put up a good fight. Despite that, Pinkie’s color is still as dark as that chimney sweeper from Mary Poppins.
Pinkie steps on you her way down stairs. “I hate karate!” she shouts.
You’d always wanted to try comedy. After watching all those YouTube videos and abridged series, comedy seemed to be a lot of fun. Besides, all it takes is a few jokes. It’s obviously the easiest thing in the world!
“Pinkie Pie,” you say with a roguish grin, "I’m going to put a smile on that face of yours!"
She gives you a look that could kill a moose.
“Right…” you say nervously, tugging at your shirt’s collar. “Tough crowd, tough crowd…” You open your mouth, waiting for some brilliant joke to hop out and start making Pinkie laugh hysterically.
Nothing happens.
Damn! Comedy is a lot harder than it looks!
You think frantically about a comedian you can emulate. Who’d be the best for this situation? Your mind hits upon the first comedian you can think of...
Jeff Dunham! Racism and gay jokes are always funny, no matter what dimension you're from!
Immediately you spring into motion! You pull a sock out of your pocket and stuff one of your hands into it. You also grab a sharpie from a nearby table and draw a face.
“Hey, Socky! You ready to put on a show?” No response. “Uh, Socky?” He says nothing. “Socky! SOCKY!” What's wrong?! Socky isn’t responding! Does he need water? The kiss of life? What?!
“Um…” Pinkie's looking less hateful and more worried now. “You do know you’re the one that gives the voice to the dummy, right?”
“Not now!” you scream. “Socky’s dying! We need medical attention! Quick, do you know CPR?!”
“CPR?” Pinkie smirks. “For a ventriloquist dummy?” She chuckles a bit. “I'm not sure who's the dummy, actually!” She giggles a bit at her own joke. The bitch! She’s laughing at Socky’s expense!
“Don’t laugh!” you whine. You hold your head against Socky’s chest. “There’s… There’s no heartbeat… He’s… DEAD!” You begin sobbing uncontrollably. You’d known Socky for what felt like forever. He was so young, so full of life…
While you’re lamenting, Pinkie Pie is laughing hysterically. “This is great! I actually don't hate this! As a matter of fact, this is great!" Her coat slowly turns into a bright pink. “Where do you get this stuff?! It’s so funny! Do you do parties?”
Yes, you did end up reverting Pinkie to her original state... But, alas, it was at a grave cost. You set out from Sugar Cube Corner with a heavy heart, knowing that life won’t be quite the same without-
“So tell me, Pinkie…” you begin, sitting in a chair that had definitely been there the entire time. “Do you believe in the man upstairs? The guy in white? The bearded wonder?”
“Well…” Pinkie replies, tapping on her chin, deep in thought. “I can't really answer your question based on your description. Does God have a beard? We don’t really know what he looks like. The only interpretations we have of him are from medieval and renaissance depictions, along with other creations from the start of Christianity. Actually, the same also applies to angels. While we commonly picture them as divine beings in white, angels are actually described in religious texts in a variety of ways, such as having as many as eight wings and turning those who gaze upon them mad. What's your opinion?”
You give her a sheepish grin. “I dunno. I’m part of the church of the flying spaghetti monster!” Pinkie gives you a blank stare. “Did you know pirates serve as their prophets?”
The next thing you know you’re flying right out the second story window, a frustrated Pinkie Pie screaming in rage behind you. What’s her problem?
Wait a second... You don’t even know sign language! But that shouldn’t be a problem; she most likely doesn’t know sign language either.
You start making some wild, random hand motions, which Pinkie follows with a careful eye.
Suddenly she gasps; “What did you say?!”
You make some wilder hand motions.
“What about my mother?!”
This is going poorly. You make some more hand motions.
Pinkie’s glare intensifies. “How would YOU like it if I shoved yours in a meat grinder instead?!”
Wait, meat grinder? Hey pal, I don’t know sign language either, I have no clue what you said!
You make some very hesitant gestures (you’re a slow learner, you know that, right?). Pinkie gallops over and plants her hoof firmly in your face. Almost instantly you black out from the pain. When you wake up, you find yourself dangling from a branch in the Everfree forest.
Perhaps it’s not a good idea to return to Sugar Cube Corner. Ever.
You stare up at the clouds, with Rainbow Dash’s house nestled amongst them. As you recall from the show, Rainbow Dash will be high up in the sky, chilling on a cloud. You hadn’t seen her anywhere else in the sky, so, logically, her house is the only place she could be.
The problem is that it’s high.
Squinting your eyes, you put on a pair of shades. “Sky high,” you whisper.
Disappointed at the lack of YEEEAAAAHHH’s in the background, you begin to think about how to get up there. What are you going to do?
Without a second thought you begin making blue-prints for some sort of self-propelled glider. If you can make wings and a cockpit, then all you’d need to do is use pedals to turn those spinning things on the wings to get lift. You'd use an engine, but you aren't sure where any local oil deposits are.
You set off to get raw supplies. A majority of the wood for the basic structure of the plane is gathered from the Everfree forest. You also manage to swipe fabric from Carousel Boutique. The metal that’s necessary was harder to come by, but you eventually melt down some shovel heads in a blast iron furnace. You carefully mold all the pieces into the shapes you want them, in particular a number of poles in order to give the wings a proper frame. You spend the next few hours afterwards assembling all the pieces.
Finally, a completed self-propelled glider sits before you. It’s time TO RIDE! You hop into the cockpit and, with a battle cry, smash into Ponyville's Library.
"Keep it down, I'm trying to read!" a voice cries from inside.
Luckily you designed a parachute. Unfortunately you seemed to have misplaced the parachute with an anvil. What is this, some sort of cartoon?
You fall with a loud crunch to the ground. You figure your spine will be fine in a few hours.
You look up and see Twilight’s hot air balloon. Perhaps making a flying machine from scratch was a bit of a hasty decision.
You hop into the hot air-balloon and, with a battle cry, crash into Ponyville's Library.
“Damn it!” you shout. “How in blazes am I supposed to get up to Rainbow Dash’s house?!”
You think quickly. Okay, maybe not quickly. More like faster than usual, not that that’s saying much.
You run a list of pegasi through your head. Who would be the most help in getting to Rainbow Dash’s house?
Hmm… You tap your chin in a very thoughtful manner. Your Uncle John said that studies showed tapping your chin helped to stimulate the brain. Considering your Uncle John is all-wise, you’re pretty sure it’s true.
“Of course!” You snap your fingers. “I know just who to get!”
“Hi-ho Derpy!” you shout.
“Hi-ho!” she replies, launching into the air with you on her back. You give a girlish squeal. You’d always wanted to do this, especially since you had that drawing commissioned of you fighting dragons with a sword atop Derpy’s back. Best twenty dollars you’ve ever spent!
Actually, Dinky had been your first choice for getting to Rainbow’s place, but she was busy stuffing her face at the endless muffin buffet at the cafe. It was a wonder you could even get Derpy away. You’d been expecting Derpy to have some drastic personality change like most other ponies in Ponyville. All that had happened was that her wings were now bat wings, which was totally lame!
Oh well, at least she’s still adorable. You give her a big hug, causing her to nearly tail-dive. Save the affections for when you’re on the ground, alright?
“We’re going to Rainbow’s house, right?!” Derpy shouts, barely making herself heard over the air whizzing past.
“Indeed!” you shout back. “Just set me down on her front porch!”
“Are you sure that’s a good idea? I don't think ponies without wings can stand on clouds!” Derpy replies. “Oh, hey! We're here!”
“My dear Derpy,” you chide her, wagging your finger. “Ponyville has been discorded! While I’d normally pass right through clouds, the norm doesn’t apply here! Most likely the clouds are made of a more solid substance, like cotton balls.” You step off of Derpy’s back. “Trust me, I have this all thought o-” You pass right through the cloud and begin plummeting towards the earth. You were right, the cloud was made of a solid substance. The extremely solid substance called whipped cream. Hey, at least you’re going to die a delicious death.
You take your final moments to recollect your life’s achievements. Oddly enough, you can’t think of anything off the top of your head. Wait! There was that one time you rode on top of Derpy! That was pretty-
You hit the ground, but are fortunate. Your landing is cushioned by a grey pegasus with a rainbow cutie mark. Luckily she seems to be very squishy.
“OW!” the cyan pegasus cries out. “Watch it!”
“Sorry, Rainbow Dash.” you groan. Thank Celestia for cartoon physics!
“Whatever…” grumbles the pegasus, and she trots away.
“Screw dat sheet!” you say in the most grammatically incorrect manner possible. “I’m not going to work my butt off to get up there! She can come down here instead! I’ll just wait!” You sit down on a rock, a pout on your face as you stare up at Rainbow’s house. Surely she’d have to come out eventually, right?
You should really give yourself credit. Staring at a cloud house for three hours straight without blinking is a pretty amazing feat. However, Rainbow still hasn’t left her house. You feel as though it’s only a matter of time…
You hear a pony sit next to you, but you dare not take your eyes off that house in the off chance that Rainbow rockets out faster than a cat’s projectile hairball. The pony doesn’t move, despite your stony silence.
“What are you doing?” she finally asks. You can tell it was a she because only women ask annoying questions like that. You also feel a tingling sensation in your stomach, as though an intense hatred was directed at you from some source whose origin is not from Equestria.
“I’m watching that house.” you reply.
A moment of silence passes.
“Why?”
“I’m waiting.”
“For what?”
“For Rainbow Dash to come out.”
“… Really?”
“Yes.”
“You may be waiting a long time.”
“That’s a sacrifice I’m willing to make!” you answer her with gusto.
“… Moron.” You hear the pony get up and start walking away.
You wouldn’t allow such an insult to go so easily! You turn to this pony, “Well, I say-” You stop. The pony that’s walking away has a rainbow cutie mark.
Okay, so maybe she was right. Big whoop. She ended up coming to you in the end, right?
With the speed of an elderly jogger, you manage to catch up to Rainbow Dash. You bend over, panting. Running a good twenty feet or so can really take it out of you!
“What do you want?” the pegasus grumbles.
Heroically you proclaim, “Rainbow Dash, I’m here to save you from yourself! I’m going to turn you back into the blindly loyal pony you once were!” It doesn’t come out quite as heroically as you want, considering you were wheezing the entire time.
Rainbow gives you a look. Either she's figuring out a way to stop whatever brilliant strategy you're about to come up with, or she's struggling to keep from laughing in you face. “Oh really? And how are you going to do that?”
“Well, I, um…” You scratch your chin. “Actually, I didn’t think I’d get this far.”
“Yeah, that’s great. Look, I stuck by my friends’ side in the past. But that was stupid Rainbow Dash. This Rainbow Dash is just going to go chill on a cloud.” The pegasus begins to flap her wings, preparing to take off into the sky. You need to think quickly! Who knows how long it’d be till you find her again!
Your mind races as you think of what to sing. Unfortunately, your brain and your mouth don’t always work together. You blurt out the very first thing you latch onto.
“La la la la laaa la la la laaaa la la la la la la laaaaaaaa! La la la la la laaa la la laaa la la laaaa, la la la la la laaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!” You continue singing gibberish as your inner Russian singer flows through you.
Rainbow stops trying to fly away and just kind of looks at you oddly.
You can feel your voice cracking like glass hit by a hammer as you reach the climax of the song. “What did you think?” you ask the pegasus.
She gives you an odd look. “Did you say something?” she shouts.
You try to communicate further, but she keeps pointing at her ear and shaking your head.
Nice job. Your singing caused her to go deaf. Even if you were to change her back, she’ll be near useless without her hearing. You finally give up trying to speak with her and trudge away, keeping an eye open for something small and furry to kick out of frustration.
A poem is sure to convince Rainbow of the errors of her ways! You clear your throat.
“Oh rainbow, you fly high,
Wings scraping the sky.
But while you sail amongst the stars,
Your friends wonder where you are…s.
Perhaps, if I may,
Help you out and save the day,
I can put this stupid Element around your neck,
And I'm not very good at rhyming.
So get the hell over here.”
Best. Poem. Ever!
Rainbow just kind of looks at you oddly. “What’s your name?” You tell her. “Right.” She smiles. “I’m just going to go register a restraining order. See you never!” She zooms off.
You stand, watching as she disappears into the distance.
"So... Rainbow - can I call you Rainbow?- Rainbow... Will you please put this on?" You hold up the Element of Loyalty.
"Forget it!" She turns her nose up at you. "Nothing you do will make put that on!
"I must warn you," you say, "I can do some really mean things."
"Yeah right!"
You sigh. Why'd it have to come to this? You yell at some boom box that's walking past, "Hey get over here and let's drop some phat beats, yo!" It jogs over, then starts playing a hip beat. You start rapping.
"You know there's something you should know, So I'm gonna tell you so!
Don't sweat it! Forget it! Enjoy the show!
Working all day now it's time to unwind,
Kick back, relax, take a load off your mind.
I'll be busting the moves and I'll be busting the rhymes!
We'll be busting up laughing because it's party time!
Everybody's feeling fine cause it's party time!"
All of a sudden, a random group of ponies jump out from nowhere and start singing the chorus.
"Party time! Party time! Everybody's feeling fine cause it's party time!
Party time! Party ti-"
"STOP!" Everything goes quiet, and you watch as Rainbow Dash walks over to the boom box, gives it a strong kick, sending it flying. She turns to you. "That. Is. AWFUL! You monster! I'd rather listen to a rapping dog then listen to you!"
You wince. "You don't know how much that hurts...."
"Look," growls the pegasus, "If I put that stupid Element on, will you leave me alone?!"
"Yeah, I guess-" She swipes the piece of jewelry out of your hand before you even finish talking, violently shoving it around her neck. You watch as color starts to spread across her coat, her eyes seeming to light up as the event of previous episodes run through her mind. "So... Are you back to normal?"
“Wait!” you shout. “I challenge you to… A contest!”
Her ears perk up. It seems you’ve piqued her interest. She halts her takeoff and turns back towards you. “Oh really?”
“Indeed,” you continue. “If I’m the victor, you must yield your neck to me and allow me to put the Element around it!”
“And if I win?”
“Oh, um…” You scratch your chin. “I didn’t really have anything in mind. Hopefully something neither embarrassing nor life threatening.”
“Alright…” Rainbow Dash gives a sly grin. “I think I have something in mind…” She tells you what your end of the bargain is. You blush furiously, but agree to her conditions. “Now that we have that out of the way, what’s the contest going to be?”
If there’s one thing you know about Dash, it’s that her brain doesn’t move nearly as fast as her wings. Perhaps this is one area that you can beat her.
“It’ll be a contest of wits.” you say smugly. With all the minesweeper you play, anything you take Rainbow on in will be a breeze.
“You’re on!” Rainbow Dash shouts back. “I’ve got the fastest brain in Equestria.”
“Yeah, maybe if someone threw it…” you mumble.
How is this possible?!
You stare at the chessboard, eying your sole remaining piece. You then look at Dash’s pieces. Except for a few pawns, she still has her entire board intact. Maybe you still have a chance?
You reach your hand out, feeling it shake more than a drink ordered by James Bond. Grabbing onto your last piece, you move it one space forward.
Rainbow Dash, who looks more bored then your friends during your Purple Passion joke, finally lets out a disgruntled sigh. “Look, kid, we’ve been at this for a good half-an-hour. And all this time, I haven’t had the heart to tell you that you lost the moment I took your first piece.”
“Hey,” you snap, “Just because I lost one piece doesn’t mean I lost!”
She lifts her hooves into the air, shaking them at the gods who cursed her with such a crappy opponent. “The first piece I took was your king!”
“… So?”
“You lose when you lose your king!”
You scoff, folding your arms and looking away. “Pfft. Yeah right. My kingdom is a democracy. Once the leader dies, a new one is elected. Therefore, you’ll have to kill all my pieces if you want to beat me.” Rainbow Dash moves her bishop to take your last pawn. You look carefully at the board, and then back at her. “So… Can chess pieces have babies? Because, if so, I think I may have a few more pieces on the board.”
Rainbow Dash screams with rage.
Once you regain consciousness, you find that you have a hoof-print on your face. You’d say something witty, like “My face is now twenty percent cooler,” but it doesn’t feel twenty percent cooler. It just kind of stings.
Alas, it seems your shot at Rainbow Dash has fallen flat. Unless you want a matching hoof-print on another part of your body, I suggest you move on to another pony.
You flex your muscles, giving each beautiful bicep a loving kiss. “Rainbow, prepare to get your cyan ass handed to you on a silver platter! We shall have a battle of might! Fortitude!”
“Speed?”
“Yeah, speed too! And-”
“A race it is!”
You drop your confident demeanor at this. “Wait, what?”
Rainbow cracks her neck in anticipation. “First to touch the school wins!”
You hold up a hand in protest. “Now, wait a second! Can’t we, I don’t know, have an arm wrestling contest or something?” But it's too late. Rainbow is already gone. However, there may be a chance to beat her! You’ll never win if you didn’t try!
Summoning all the reserves of your strength, you begin jogging lightly in the direction of the school house. It's rather uneventful. Every now and then a snail or a turtle would pass you by, but that was it.
But wait! What’s that?!
You jog up to a figure sleeping in a pile of hay. Why’s there hay in the center of town, you may ask? If I say Discord, will you shut up?
It seems that a certain pegasus you were racing decided to take a quick nap. It seems her lack of commitment to anything has finally backfired. You were so slow that she’s lost interest in the race!
Well… You seem to have some choices here. How will you proceed?
Your wheezes fill the air as you approach the school house. Thanks to Discord’s meddling, the school is busy eating Lucky-Charm muffins (your favorite), but that doesn’t distract you from your goal. However, you’re about five feet from the school when it suddenly yawns, stands up, and walks away. Its strides are so great that you can’t catch up to it, no matter how many Monsters you drink. There are a few moments where you think you could possibly reach your hand out and touch it, but, when the school starts flying away, you finally decide that the universe hates you and give up the chase.
You rub your aching calves as you head back to Rainbow’s sleeping spot. She’s still there, and your legs are still killing you.
You grab a coil of rope that’s sitting conveniently nearby. At first you question why it’s there, then you see one of the cats vomit rope. You immediately wish your question hadn't been answered.
Approaching Rainbow cautiously, you decide to tie her hooves together first. This way she'd be off balance and couldn’t take off.
You very, very, VERY softly grab her hoof.
Rainbow’s eyes suddenly pop open, and she turns an angry gaze towards you. Her face is red with rage, redder than your Uncle’s blue-ribbon beet. “I HATE,” she hisses. “Having my hooves touched…”
“Well, I-” you begin, but you find that you need to stop talking after a hoof firmly imprints itself in your face. Rainbow Dash proceeds to beat the crap out of you, as well as force feed you hay. Overall, it’s a fairly unpleasant experience.
Once the pegasus is done, she flies off. You’re now stuck with a nasty taste in your mouth, a ruptured pancreas, and an awkward gait that’ll take a few days to get rid of.
Your hand shakes as you slide the element around Rainbow’s neck.
That was much easier than you thought. Considering how the more logical decisions have usually ended up giving you broken ribs thus far in your adventure, it’s a pleasant surprise to see something actually work out so well.
The Element glows. Rainbow’s eyelids pop open. The color returns to her rainbow mane, and spreads across the rest of her coat. She gives a gasp at the realization about how much of a dick she’s been lately and apologizes to you.
Score! The fastest flier in Equestria is ready to help you combat Discord!
You cautiously approach Rainbow, silent like a ninja. A very inexperienced ninja, granted, but silent nonetheless. Luckily for you, Rainbow seems to be a heavy sleeper. Seriously, you crash into a mountain of buckets, step on the tails of three cats (at the same time), and are attacked by a walrus. And she’s still asleep.
This is it. Time to get serious. No more mister nice character.
“Rainbow Dash…” You narrow your eyes. “I challenge you… To a prank-off.”
She seems taken back at first. Then she gives you a devilish smile. “Alright then…” The two of you walk up to each other and stare one another down. “What’s your terms?”
“Here’s the plan,” you explain, “Each of us gets a chance to pull of one prank. Whoever has the better prank wins the prank-off.”
“But,” Rainbow cocks her head in confusion. “How do we know whose prank is better?”
You look off into the distance, a wise look on your face. “We shall know. We shall know…” The pegasus shrugs, content with the answer. You don’t know why, since even you don’t understand what you mean. Perhaps you should jot it down in you “Tao of Me” notepad you always carry around? “We’ll each have thirty minutes to prepare our prank. We’ll meet at Donut Joe’s when the time’s up.”
“You’re on!” The pegasus lets out an enthusiastic battle-cry before speeding off. You swear, one day she’s going to get some sort of ticket with all the speeding around she does.
But that’s not important now. What’s important is that you have a prank to pull off. And it needs to be good. Rainbow Dash is a master!
You head over to Donut Joe’s. Opening the door, you can see that nothing is all that unusual. Granted, Donut Joe is bouncing his disembodied head on the counter like a basketball, and there’s a bunch of donuts sitting at a table playing poker, but, otherwise, it’s fairly normal.
You order up one of Joe’s Joes (you know, the coffee, not the pony), and take a seat. Luckily, you have your handy-dandy joy buzzer on you. It’s for emergency prank purposes like these that you carry it with you.
Finally, Rainbow marches through the door, a sly look on her face. She takes a seat across from, and gives you a curt nod. “Before we start, I just want to say, ‘Let the best pony win.’” She reaches a non-suspicious hoof out, offering to shake your hand. Hah! She’s falling right into your trap! You reach across the table.
Suddenly you realize something… It’s tricky to see, but it seems that Rainbow is wearing a joy buzzer as well! “No!” you shout as hand and hoof meet.
An explosion rocks Donut Joe’s, creating a nuclear mushroom that can be seen as far away as Manehattan.
Somehow, someway you manage to survive, stumbling out of the wreckage. You don’t think I’m going to just kill you off just for using a joy buzzer, do you?
Unfortunately, Rainbow Dash doesn’t have a narrator protecting her. You see grey hair rain from the sky, and you dearly hope it doesn’t belong to who you think it belongs to.
You head over to Donut Joe’s. Opening the door, you can see that nothing is all that unusual. Granted, Donut Joe is bouncing his disembodied head on the counter like a basketball, and there’s a bunch of donuts sitting at a table playing poker, but, otherwise, it’s fairly normal.
You order up one of Joe’s Joes (you know, the coffee), and take a seat. You’d stopped by the Ponyville pharmacy and picked up some laxatives. Over-the-counter, of course. Taking the lid off, you then pour the whole bottle into the cup of coffee. You haven’t bothered to read the dosage on the container, but your sure an entire container full of laxatives can’t be that bad.
Finally, Rainbow marches through the door, a sly look on her face. She takes a seat across from, and gives you a curt nod. “Before we start, I just want to say, ‘Let the best pony win.’” She reaches a non-suspicious hoof out, offering to shake your hand. In a sign of respect, you reach across the table. However, the instant you grab hold of it, you can feel energy course through your body, and you leap from your seat, smoking slightly.
“Ow.” you respond. “OW.” you add for emphasis.
Joybuzzer. Your one true weakness.
“Very clever,” you say, sitting back down. “Taking advantage of my kindness to pull a prank. Very clever indeed…”
“Beat that.” the pegasus smugly replies.
“I’m not sure I can. Mine isn’t nearly as clever as yours is. Here, have a congratulatory coffee.”
“Hah! The master is victorious!” Rainbow greedily grabs the cup and chugs it.
“You, uh, may want to take your time with that…” you protest slightly.
The pegasus wipes her mouth clean of any coffee that hadn’t made it past her lips. “A little weird tasting. What flavor was it?”
“Prank flavored.” you cleverly answer her. You make a mental note to write that line down.
“What does that-” Rainbow’s eyes widen. She meekly mumbles, “I need to go.” She rushes into the bathroom, practically making a sonic rainboom in the process.
Wow. That stuff works fast. What is the amount you’re supposed to use anyway? You look at the label on the container. It seems the most you should ever use in one sitting is about a teaspoon.
Crap.
You head over to the bathroom door. “Uh, Rainbow Dash? Are you okay?”
“ARRRRRRGH!”
“Is that a yes?”
“GRAAAARGH!”
“You’re going to have to annunciate.”
“AYIEEEEGGGHH!”
“Okay, I’m just going to give you some private time. You, uh, don’t worry about the competition, alright?”
“GROOOOORGH!”
“Alright, I’ll see you later.”
You quickly hurry out of Donut Joe’s. You feel awfully sorry for the janitor who’s going to need to handle that mess. Hopefully he won’t need to take care of a body as well.
You head over to Donut Joe’s. Opening the door, you can see that nothing is all that unusual. Granted, Donut Joe is bouncing his disembodied head on the counter like a basketball, and there’s a bunch of donuts sitting at a table playing poker, but, otherwise, it’s fairly normal.
You pick up a bear claw from Joe (which is literally a bear’s claw) and take a seat, waiting for the thirty minutes to pass. Finally, Rainbow marches through the door, a sly look on her face. She takes a seat across from you and gives you a curt nod. “Before we start, I just want to say, ‘Let the best pony win.’” She reaches a non-suspicious hoof out, offering to shake your hand. In a sign of respect, you reach across the table. However, the instant you grab hold of it, you can feel energy course through your body, and you leap from your seat, smoking slightly.
“Ow.” you respond. “OW.” you add for emphasis.
Joybuzzer. Your one true weakness.
“Very clever,” you say, sitting back down. “Taking advantage of my kindness to pull a prank. Very clever indeed…”
“Beat that.” she smugly replies.
“Very well.”
The two of you sit there. Rainbow seems a bit vigilant, trying to see if she can foil your prank before it even starts. Minutes pass. Then tens of minutes.
“Has the prank happened yet?”
“Nope.”
“… What about now?”
“Nope.”
An hour passes. Two hours. You can see Rainbow sweating, a crazed look in eyes as they dart around the room. She knew the prank could strike at anytime, but what was it?! When?! Where?! Should she get up to go to the little pegasi’s room? Or maybe the prank was in there?!
You’re about to get up and grab another cup of Joe (the coffee, not the pony), when Rainbow snaps. “I can’t stand it! Where’s the prank?! What are you up to?!” you can see her starting to foam at the mouth. “I give! I can’t wait any longer! What’s the stupid prank?!”
“Nothing.”
“… Nothing?”
“Yep.”
A moment of silence. Rainbow Dash stares at you, unable to comprehend what you just said. Then she begins to laugh. Like, hysterically. You should probably back away.
Finally, tears streaming down her face, Rainbow says, “That’s great! I never thought the best prank would be nothing at all! You win, hooves down!”
At last! A plan that actually worked! In triumph, you slip the Element around Rainbow’s neck, and you’re momentarily blinded as the rainbow coloring returns with a flash of bright light.
Congrats, brony/pegasister. You’ve returned Rainbow to her original self, and she’s perfectly willing to help in the final confrontation against Discord!
It’s time you show Discord who wears the pants around here!
“Twilight!” you shout, walking proudly up to the library’s force field.
You hear the sound of a door opening, and Twilight appears at the entrance. “Did you do it?” she asks, eager for the news that you bring. “Did you save all my friends? Can we stop Discord?”
“Well…” you begin (answer honestly, else the mighty gods of FanFiction shalt strike thee down).
“You ‘may have missed’? Please, be even more wishy-washy, I just love it when individuals are indirect with their answers…” the unicorn mutters sarcastically. “You do realize that this won’t work if we don’t have all of my friends present, right?”
“Well, um, yeah…”
“Look…” Twilight face-hooves. “Can you at least tell me how any of my friends you DID save?
“…What? You didn’t save any of them?!” Twilight is beside herself with rage, face redder than a tomato. “I give you a simple task, and…” She manages to calm herself down. “Look, what happened?”
“Okay, don’t panic Twilight… this can still work…” Twilight begins to pace at the entrance, and you can hear the gears turning in her head. You start to worry as she begins to grind her teeth, a sound akin to a hacksaw scraping against a sheet of metal. “I just know I’m going to regret asking what happened, so let’s skip to the point; there needs to be somepony wearing each of these Elements.”
“Perhaps…” You receive a flash of insight. “I could find some replacements! Who says your friends are the only ones that can use the Elements?”
Twilight shakes her head. “No way is that going to work. I remember when Spike tried to replace Rainbow Dash. It didn’t end well.”
“Then what do we do?” you ask.
She lets out a long, tired sigh. “Work with what we have. Looking back, I suppose none of us were really trying the first time we tried to stop Discord. All my friends were ‘discorded’, per say, and I wasn’t much better, just wanting to get it over with. I mean, the Princesses managed to do it with just the two of them; maybe we can make it work with just two as well. There is one thing, however.”
“What?”
Twilight taps on the force field, sending out a powerful ripple. “I’m still trapped in here. Somepony – or something- needs to take my place.” She looks straight at you.
Instinctively you back away. “You don’t mean…”
“Who else can we get on such short notice?”
“But… I thought you just said replacements won't work?”
“Please?”
You finally let out a frustrated sigh. “Fine. But if I get turned into a watermelon or something, I blame you.”
As you enter a clearing, the one pony you saved following right behind you, you see Discord resting on top of a throne constructed entirely from bones. It’d freak you out if it wasn’t for the fact that the bones are rubber chew toys.
“Ah, so Equestria’s latest hero is attempting to topple me from my throne.” Discord yawns, obviously threatened by your presence. “Would you mind taking a number? I’m busy relaxing right now. Relaxing is tremendously hard work.”
“Discord!” you cry, “We’re here to stop you!”
“Yes, I already knew that,” Discord impatiently replies. “And I’m horrified. Look at me; I’m shaking in my boots.” He yawns again. “Can we get this over with? I have a spa appointment. I don’t maintain this luxurious coat just by snapping my fingers you know. Oh wait…” He snaps his fingers, and is suddenly dressed in a tux and top hat, a monocle nestled next to his left eye. “I do!” He lets out an obnoxious laugh.
You get the impression that he isn’t taking you too seriously.
You turn to your sole companion. “Okay. Luna and Celestia were able to take down Discord. And there was just two of them. We should be fine!”
“Um… Weren’t they alicorns?”
“Well, yes, that’s true, but-”
“And didn’t they spend years forming a closer, sisterly bond?”
“Well, yeah but-”
“And do we know each other at all? I mean, I don’t even know your name.”
“Fine. It’s-”
“Are we going to get started or what?!” Discord shouts. You can see his patience is wearing thin.
“Very well!” you shout heroically (though you aren’t feeling quite so heroic). “Prepare to feel my-”
“Our.”
“- Our wrath!”
You close your eyes, concentrating with all your might. Granted, your mind strays to thoughts of cake for a moment, but quickly you’re back on track.
You hear an odd sound, and open your eyes. Your companion has collapsed to the ground, exhausted. You feel fine, and are awake to see the fruits of your effort. A little wisp of magic is floating towards Discord, slowly. As it reaches him, he purses his lips and blows, causing the little bit of magic to dissipate.
You say, in the words of your wise Uncle Jarvis, “Crap.”
“Crap indeed.” Discord flies over to you. “A valiant effort, hero. As a matter of fact, I like you. You have great courage, attempting to take me on like that with only one other to accompany you. Courageous, but overall really, really stupid! But I’ll tell you what; I’m going to give you a place in my world. It’s a very important job.”
Perhaps this whole experience has been an opportunity in disguise! Maybe Discord’s going to give you a job as, say, executive chaos planner! Oh boy!
Discord gives you a wicked grin. “Congratulations! You are now responsible for taking care of the Ursa Major!” He hands you a small pooper scooper. “Have fun.”
Hopes shattered, you repeat your earlier statement; “Crap.”
“Yes. Quite a bit of it.” Discord gives a horrid laugh before disappearing.
Well… Guess you better get started.
THE END
Well, it could be worse. You could... Um... Uh... Hey, would you like to try again?
“Okay, don’t panic Twilight… this can still work…” Twilight begins to pace at the entrance, and you can hear the gears turning in her head. You start to worry as she begins to grind her teeth, a sound akin to a hacksaw scraping against a sheet of metal. “I just know I’m going to regret asking what happened, so let’s skip to the point; there needs to be somepony wearing each of these Elements.”
“Perhaps…” You receive a flash of insight. “I could find some replacements! Who says your friends are the only ones that can use the Elements?”
Twilight shakes her head. “No way is that going to work. I remember when Spike tried to replace Rainbow Dash. It didn’t end well.”
“Then what do we do?” you ask.
She lets out a long, tired sigh. “Work with what we have. Looking back, I suppose none of us were really trying the first time we tried to stop Discord. All my friends were ‘discorded’, per say, and I wasn’t much better, just wanting to get it over with. I mean, the Princesses managed to do it with just the two of them; maybe we can make it work with three. There is one thing, however.”
“What?”
Twilight taps on the force field, sending out a powerful ripple. “I’m still trapped in here. Somepony – or something- needs to take my place.” She looks straight at you. Instinctively you back away. “You don’t mean…”
“Who else can we get on such short notice?”
“But… I thought you just said replacements won't work?”
“Please?”
You finally let out a frustrated sigh. “Fine. But if I get turned into a watermelon or something, I blame you.”
As you enter a clearing, your two companions following right behind you, you see Discord resting on top of a throne constructed entirely from bones. It’d freak you out if it wasn’t for the fact that the bones are rubber chew toys.
“Ah, so Equestria’s latest hero is attempting to topple me from my throne.” Discord yawns, obviously threatened by your presence. “Would you mind taking a number? I’m busy relaxing right now. Relaxing is tremendously hard work.”
“Discord!” you cry, “We’re here to stop you!”
“Yes, I already knew that,” Discord impatiently replies. “And I’m horrified. Look at me; I’m shaking in my boots.” He yawns again. “Can we get this over with? I have a spa appointment. I don’t maintain this luxurious coat just by snapping my fingers you know. Oh wait…” He snaps his fingers, and is suddenly dressed in a tux and top hat, a monocle nestled next to his left eye. “I do!” He lets out an obnoxious laugh.
You get the impression that he isn’t taking you too seriously.
“Okay guys,” you say two the other two. “We’ll-”
“What’s a ‘guy’?” asked one of the ponies.
“… Forget I said that. Discord is underestimating us because there’s we only total three strong. He’s underestimating us, and that’s where we’ll get him! After all, the underdog always wins, right?”
“Um…”
“Right?”
“Is this going to take much longer?” Discord taps his wrist a few times, and a watch appears out of thin air. “I’m teeing off at three.”
The three of you begin concentrating with all of your might. What you concentrate on, you aren’t quite sure. What’s important is that you’re concentrating on something. You hear a loud noise, and you open your eyes to see a small stream of magic shooting towards Discord, hitting him square in the chest.
You pump your arm. Direct hit! Your magic has made Discord start…
Laughing. That’s about it.
“Stop it! That tickles!” the god laughs.
“Um, guys? I mean, ponies?” But the other two have collapsed, tired from expending so much magic.
You feel two fingers pick you up by the head, and Discord turns you so that the two of you are looking eye to eye. “Hello.” He grins.
“Um… Hi,” you reply.
“Any suggestions about what I should do with you?” he asks.
“Um… Let me go?” you suggest.
He drops you laughing even harder now. “That was even funnier then your attempt to imprison me in stone! I think I have the perfect job for a comedian such as you!” He snaps his fingers, and all of a sudden you’re on a stage, microphone in hand.
You look out at the audience.
Staring back at you are at least two hundred Pinkie Pies, all with a grey coat. And they all looked pissed.
“Um… Hello,” you cringe as one of the ponies yells at you to start telling jokes. “Oh, um, how about that airline food? You know, with those plastic forks? What’s with that?” You let out a whimper as a barrage of tomatoes fly through the sky at you, effectively painting you red when they hit.
It seems Discord has decided to gift you with a never ending stand-up performance, and has given all the Pinkie Pie’s a never ending supply of fruits and vegetables. Let’s just hope you don’t run out of material, eh?
“Okay, don’t panic Twilight… this can still work…” Twilight begins to pace at the entrance, and you can hear the gears turning in her head. You start to worry as she begins to grind her teeth, a sound akin to a hacksaw scraping against a sheet of metal. “I just know I’m going to regret asking what happened, so let’s skip to the point; there needs to be somepony wearing each of these Elements.”
“Perhaps…” You receive a flash of insight. “I could find some replacements! Who says your friends are the only ones that can use the Elements?”
Twilight shakes her head. “No way is that going to work. I remember when Spike tried to replace Rainbow Dash. It didn’t end well.”
“Then what do we do?” you ask.
She lets out a long, tired sigh. “Work with what we have. Looking back, I suppose none of us were really trying the first time we tried to stop Discord. All my friends were ‘discorded’, per say, and I wasn’t much better, just wanting to get it over with. I mean, the Princesses managed to do it with just the two of them; maybe we can make it work with four. There is one thing, however.”
“What?”
Twilight taps on the force field, sending out a powerful ripple. “I’m still trapped in here. Somepony – or something- needs to take my place.” She looks straight at you.
Instinctively you back away. “You don’t mean…”
“Who else can we get on such short notice?”
“But… I thought you just said replacements won't work?”
“Please?”
You finally let out a frustrated sigh. “Fine. But if I get turned into a watermelon or something, I blame you.”
As you enter a clearing, the other three following right behind you, you see Discord resting on top of a throne constructed entirely from bones. It’d freak you out if it wasn’t for the fact that the bones are rubber chew toys.
“Ah, so Equestria’s latest hero is attempting to topple me from my throne.” Discord yawns, obviously threatened by your presence. “Would you mind taking a number? I’m busy relaxing right now. Relaxing is tremendously hard work.”
“Discord!” you cry, “We’re here to stop you!”
“Yes, I already knew that,” Discord impatiently replies. “And I’m horrified. Look at me; I’m shaking in my boots.” He yawns again. “Can we get this over with? I have a spa appointment. I don’t maintain this luxurious coat just by snapping my fingers you know. Oh wait…” He snaps his fingers, and is suddenly dressed in a tux and top hat, a monocle nestled next to his left eye. “I do!” He lets out an obnoxious laugh.
You get the impression that he isn’t taking you too seriously.
“Okay, gather round.” The four of you form a huddle. “I know we don’t have everyone here, but-”
“Don’t you mean ‘everypony’?” one of your companions asks.
“Yeah, nobody cares,” you curtly reply. “Anyway, we’ve-”
“I’m pretty sure you mean ‘no pony’.”
“I’m also pretty sure that somebody needs to SHUT UP.”
“You mean some pony?”
“GAAARRGH!” You tear a clump of hair out of your head. “Let’s just beat this bastard!”
You all begin to concentrate. You wonder how annoyed Discord has to be about this. I mean, he has to stand there patiently while you all stand there, eyes screwed shut, trying to be all magical and what not. If you were Discord, you’re pretty sure you’d just start drop kicking all these ponies.
You hear a noise and open your eyes. A small beam is making its way towards Discord, who reflexively holds up a hand to defend himself. The beam hits, and you momentarily have to shield your eyes as the magic creates a bright flash. When you do manage to see again, you can see Discord looking very pissed. He holds up the hand he’d used to protect himself, and you can see that it’s petrified.
You turn to see your three companions have collapsed from exhaustion. “Come on!” you shout. “Everybody get up! We haven’t beaten him yet!”
“It’s… ‘everypony’…” one of them mumbles weakly.
You hear Discord walking up behind you, and you turn to face him. “You know, it stings every time,” he comments, “My blasted hand is going to feel numb for a week.” He softly knocks on your head with his petrified hand, and you watch as the stone covering cracks, then breaks into little pieces. He wiggles the fingers of his now free hand. “That’s more like it.” He leans on your head, and you struggle to support Discord’s girth. “You ever had your hand turned to stone? Kind of feels like you just dipped your hand in a bucket of ice water.”
“I… haven’t had the pleasure,” you grunt. You can’t help but think that Discord needs to lay off the Krispy Kremes.
“Honestly you need to try it.” You gasp in relief when the god stops leaning on you. Then you let out a cry of surprise when he sits on your head. “I remember when I was first turned to stone.”
“Oh… Really?” you say as you strain to hold up Discord’s weight.
“I was a much younger god…” he reflects. “I had such grand dreams… Plunge the world into chaos… Destroy all the laws of physics. Good times.”
“In… deed…” you manage to say, gritting your teeth from the effort.
“I like you. You’re a good listener.” Discord says. “As a matter of fact, I’m going to tell you my life story, all the thousands and thousands of years of it. I have a very good memory, you know. Let’s see, where to start? I was born on a rainy night, on the year…” He begins to relay to you every painstaking detail of his life, with not a single bit left out. You have a feeling your going to need to brace yourself for the long haul.
You never thought you’d live your life as a chair, but, hey, it could be worse.
“Okay, don’t panic Twilight… this can still work…” Twilight begins to pace at the entrance, and you can hear the gears turning in her head. You start to worry as she begins to grind her teeth, a sound akin to a hacksaw scraping against a sheet of metal. “I just know I’m going to regret asking what happened, so let’s skip to the point; there needs to be somepony wearing each of these Elements.”
“Perhaps…” You receive a flash of insight. “I could find some replacements! Who says your friends are the only ones that can use the Elements?”
Twilight shakes her head. “No way is that going to work. I remember when Spike tried to replace Rainbow Dash. It didn’t end well.”
“Then what do we do?” you ask.
She lets out a long, tired sigh. “Work with what we have. Looking back, I suppose none of us were really trying the first time we tried to stop Discord. All my friends were ‘discorded’, per say, and I wasn’t much better, just wanting to get it over with. I mean, the Princesses managed to do it with just the two of them; maybe we can make it work with four. There is one thing, however.”
“What?”
Twilight taps on the force field, sending out a powerful ripple. “I’m still trapped in here. Somepony – or something- needs to take my place.” She looks straight at you.
Instinctively you back away. “You don’t mean…”
“Who else can we get on such short notice?”
“But… I thought you just said replacements won't work?”
“Please?”
You finally let out a frustrated sigh. “Fine. But if I get turned into a watermelon or something, I blame you.”
As you enter a clearing, the other four ponies following right behind you, you see Discord resting on top of a throne constructed entirely from bones. It’d freak you out if it wasn’t for the fact that the bones are rubber chew toys.
“Ah, so Equestria’s latest hero is attempting to topple me from my throne.” Discord yawns, obviously threatened by your presence. “Would you mind taking a number? I’m busy relaxing right now. Relaxing is tremendously hard work.”
“Discord!” you cry, “We’re here to stop you!”
“Yes, I already knew that,” Discord impatiently replies. “And I’m horrified. Look at me; I’m shaking in my boots.” He yawns again. “Can we get this over with? I have a spa appointment. I don’t maintain this luxurious coat just by snapping my fingers you know. Oh wait…” He snaps his fingers, and is suddenly dressed in a tux and top hat, a monocle nestled next to his left eye. “I do!” He lets out an obnoxious laugh.
You get the impression that he isn’t taking you too seriously.
“Alright, we’re only down two Elements. We may still be able to do this,” you tell your companions. They seem slightly nervous, but still resolved to go through with this, no matter what happens. What’s the worst Discord’s going to do? Trample you all with bunnies?
The five of you concentrate. You close your eyes and start thinking of something. Does it matter what you concentrate on, or can you just think about movies or something? You better not think too hard on it, lest you lose your concentration. You hear a loud noise, as though a cannon had just gone off. You open your eyes and see a strong beam of magic shooting towards Discord, who lets out a gasp as he’s hit. Starting at the feet, you watch as Discord begins turning to stone. You let out a whoop! It’s working! It’s actually working!
First the feet, then the lower legs, then the upper legs, then-
The beam stops, as though some jerk had just flipped the power switch. You turn to see your four companions collapse from exhaustion. “Um, girls? Now’s not the time for sleeping!” You look back at Discord, who is now no longer turning into stone. The process had stopped at the waist. Panicky, you turn back to the others. “Um, girls?! We’ve got a giant abomination of nature ready to perform unspeakable acts of evil! Get your lazy asses off the ground and do something!”
“I’d be more worried about yourself if I were you.”
You turn around to see Discord right behind you, a devilish grin on his face. You need to crane your neck just to see that smile. “Uh, Discord!” you smile sheepishly. “You really broke out of that stone fast!”
“Well, I’m glad you’re showing such concern about my well being,” he replies. You can see a glint in his eye, as though he’s about to do something that you really, REALLY aren’t going to like.
“Well, I’d never want to inflict harm on another creature as, um, nice as you!” You give the god the biggest, most innocent smile you can muster.
“How sweet,” Discord crouches down, giving you a rough pat on the head. “It’s nice to know such generous individuals like you exist in this cold, cruel world. As a matter of fact, since you’re so nice…” He snaps his fingers and a maid’s dress materializes out of thin air. You react in surprise, catching it as it falls. “I’m sure it would be your absolute pleasure to be my loyal servant for the rest of your miserable existence.”
“What?! No way am I-”
“Did I mention I can shoot lightning out of my fingertips?” he interrupts.
“- going to pass up such a great opportunity!” you quickly edit your statement.
“Good human. Now, chop-chop!” He claps his hands. “I want you to start by sweeping up all the dirt in the area.”
You look around at the ground. “But… We’re outside.”
“Well, the sooner you get started the better, eh?”
You sigh before trudging off to go change.
You’re going to need a bigger broom.
THE END
Well, that didn't end well. Would you like to try your luck a second time?
“This is fantastic!” Twilight is ecstatic. “I’ve got to be honest; I didn’t think you were going to be able to do it. I’m happy to admit I was wrong! There is one thing, however...”
“What?”
Twilight taps on the force field, sending out a powerful ripple. “I’m still trapped in here. Somepony – or something- needs to take my place.” She looks straight at you.
Instinctively you back away. “You don’t mean…”
“Who else can we get on such short notice?”
“But…”
“You managed to rescue all my friends. As far as I’m concerned, you’re more than qualified to pull it off.”
You let out a frustrated sigh. “Fine. But if I get turned into a watermelon or something, I blame you.”
As you enter a clearing, the other five following right behind you, you see Discord resting on top of a throne constructed entirely from bones. It’d freak you out if it wasn’t for the fact that the bones are rubber chew toys.
“Ah, so Equestria’s latest hero is attempting to topple me from my throne.” Discord yawns, obviously threatened by your presence. “Would you mind taking a number? I’m busy relaxing right now. Relaxing is tremendously hard work.”
“Discord!” you cry, “We’re here to stop you!”
“Yes, I already knew that,” Discord impatiently replies. He seems a little nervous. Five elements of harmony is nothing to sneeze at. “I’ve got to admit, I’m impressed. You actually managed to get the five idiots to go along with whatever plan you have in store, bravo. But where’s sweet little Twilight Sparkle?”
“Still trapped in that darn force field, thanks to you,” growls Applejack.
“Let her out and we may go easy on you!” Rainbow Dash adds.
“Oh, but why would I want to do that?” Discord relaxes back into his chair. Without Twilight, it seems he doesn’t think of your group as a threat. A mistake he’ll surely regret.
You give the group a nod, and they respond with their own nod. They know what to do. After all, they’ve pulled this off a couple of times.
You close your eyes and begin to concentrate. But… What are you supposed to concentrate on? Friendship? The power of goodness? Yeah, sure, that’s a good start. You think about random good things, but... Nothing seems to be happening. You open your eyes. All the other are floating off the ground, glowing (it’s kind of creepy, honestly). You, however, don’t appear to be doing anything. I mean, you aren’t even glowing. It’s kind of disappointing actually. Not even a tingly feeling? Elements of Harmony. Yeah right… More like Elements of SUCK.
Magic starts to flow from the five floating ponies, and the energy pools together into one mass. “This shouldn’t be working…” Discord mutters, and the energy suddenly rockets towards him, a huge beam that’s nearly as bright as the sun itself. You shield your eyes. The only hint of what’s going on is a scream that sounds as though Discord was just kicked where the sun don’t shine. When you're able open your eyes, you see that the five have collapsed, exhausted from the amount of energy drained from them.
And where Discord was standing… There now stands a statue. Of Discord. Okay, so Discord is still there, he’s just a statue now. You let out a little whoop of joy. Finally, you can go home and end this stupid adventure!
You march up to the petrified god and give him a little kick. “What now?!” you taunt.
Then a crack appears. The smile slowly fades from your face. “No…” you whisper. The cracks begin spreading, and you dive for cover behind a random object that’s not important enough to be named as the statue seems to burst, like a bomb had gone off inside, and you can see chunks of debris whiz over your head. When the noise quiets down, you peak over the object you’re hiding behind and see a jovial Discord, doubled over in laughter.
“What did I tell you? It won’t work without all six of you! As for now…” He wipes a tear of laughter from his eye. “As for now it’s just a bad joke.”
“No…” you mutter.
“What was that?” Discord cups a hand-claw-thingy over one of his ears. “I can’t hear you over the sound of your crushing defeat.”
“I said…” You’re angry now. You march over to Discord and, before he can do anything, leap up and grab hold of his beard, pulling him down so he’s looking you dead in the eye. “No!”
“Eep!” Discord squeaks.
“I have worked my ASS off today trying to get all these stupid ponies to stop behaving like assholes, and now you’re telling me I was brought to this stupid kingdom and did all these stupid things for NOTHING?!”
“Um…”
“I have been through more crap this past day then you have in the last thousand years! I swear, I’ve had my spine snapped at least five times! I’ve been insulted, beaten up, nearly died several times, and I’ll be DAMNED if I don’t leave with you stuffed inside whatever stone container these stupid equines want you in! SO!” You yank Discord closer, your faces practically touching. The fire that seems to be shooting from your eyes practically lights the god on fire. “Are you going to turn back into a statue, or will I have to whoop your ass!?”
A moment passes.
Discord stutters, “You know, maybe being a statue isn’t that bad...” With a snap of his fingers, you can feel the very beard you were holding on to turn grey and stiff, and the rest of his body follows. Before you is no longer a living, breathing thing, but a statue of the once all powerful god.
You’ve done it. I can’t believe you’ve actually- I mean, I knew you could do it all along!
The other five ponies finally rise from their exhausted state, still a bit shaky.
“Did… Did it work?” asked Fluttershy hesitantly.
“No,” you reply, “But then I told Discord that I wasn’t going to put up with his crap any longer, and he was so scared he turned himself into stone.” You smugly smile as the rest of the ponies look at you in shock.
Then they burst out laughing.
“Good one!” Pinkie Pie manages to say between laughs.
“You had me going for a second,” Rainbow chuckles. “I’m just glad it worked without Twilight! Discord turning himself into stone… Classic!”
“But I really did-”
“Come on!” Applejack exclaims. “Let’s go see if Twilight’s free!”
You grumble as you follow the five back to the library.
“On behalf of all of Equestria, I’d like to thank you for your courageous acts,” Twilight proudly proclaims.
“Shouldn’t Celestia be here with some sort of reward or something?” you respond, looking around in hopes of spotting the monarch (or would she be a diarch?).
“She told me that she couldn’t be here in personally. Something about a hangover.”
“Fine…” You’d been hoping to see Celestia herself, but, after this series of events, you don’t think you want to see anything related to My Little Pony ever again.
“The princess has decided to grant you a gift before you return to your world, so that you may forever remember our gratitude,” Twilight continues.
“Kick-ass! What is it?! Gold!? Diamonds!? A statue in my likeness?!”
“Close…”
You knock on the front door to your friend’s house. “The door’s open!” You walk in and see a bunch of your comrades sitting around discussing how to construct a lightsaber using paper napkins and pop rocks.
“Hey,” one of your brony friends says. “Cool t-shirt.”
Another brony friend reads the shirt out loud; “‘I turned Discord into Stone and All I Got was this Lousy T-Shirt’. You buy that online?”
“No,” you respond. “It’s custom made.”
“Who made it? I may want to pick one up.”
You give your friend a smile. “Let’s just say it’s a long story.”
“Okay, don’t panic Twilight… this can still work…” Twilight begins to pace at the entrance, and you can hear the gears turning in her head. You start to worry as she begins to grind her teeth, a sound akin to a hacksaw scraping against a sheet of metal. “I just know I’m going to regret asking what happened, so let’s skip to the point; there needs to be somepony wearing each of these Elements. But I’m stuck inside this force field and none of my friends can help…”
“Perhaps…” You receive a flash of insight. “I could find replacements for each of your friends!”
Twilight shakes her head. “No way is that going to work. I remember Spike tried to replace Rainbow Dash and-”
“Oh, good one! He can be Rainbow Dash! I’ll get right on it!”
“Okay team,” you say to the five others assembled before you. “I’ve picked the best of the best. The friendliest of the friendliest. The awesomest of the awesomest. Each of you has been hand selected by yours truly to replace the Elements of Harmony. Well, not the Elements themselves, but the ponies who where them, or is it…” You mull over the show’s ambiguity before getting back on topic. “Enough of this silliness! We shall go around and introduce ourselves! I’m Twilight Sparkle because I’m the smartest. Rainbow Dash?”
Spike gives a nervous little wave. “Um, hi.”
You slap him on the back. “Come on, man-up! Rainbow Dash doesn’t take crap from anyone! Applejack?”
Applebloom leaps into the air and shouts, “Cutie Mark Crusader Applejack, ready!”
“Now that’s the kind of enthusiasm I want! Fluttershy?” The Flutterpillow you recruited doesn’t respond. “Shy and quiet, just like Fluttershy! Way to get into character! Rarity?”
“Yessum,” Hayseed gives you a nod.
“Get a bath. Now, last, but not least, Pinkie Pie!”
“Why am I here again?” mumbles Yankee Doodle.
“C’mon, Yankee, you need to bounce when you talk! You’re the Element of laughter, after all.”
“No.”
“Please?” You make puppy dog eyes at the donkey. He lets out a sigh, and then jumps a couple of centimeters into the air. “Perfect! With this team, it looks like a certain god…” You slip on a pair of shades. “Is about to get stoned.” Applebloom lets out an excited, “YEEEEAAAHHHHH!”
As you enter a clearing, your team following right behind you, you see Discord resting on top of a throne constructed entirely from bones. It’d freak you out if it wasn’t for the fact that the bones are rubber chew toys.
“Ah, so Equestria’s latest hero is attempting to topple me from my throne.” Discord yawns, obviously threatened by your presence. “Would you mind taking a number? I’m busy relaxing right now. Relaxing is tremendously hard work.”
“Discord!” you cry, “We’re here to stop you!”
“Yes, I already knew that,” Discord impatiently replies. “And I’m horrified. Look at me; I’m shaking in my boots.” He yawns again. “Can we get this over with? I have a spa appointment. I don’t maintain this luxurious coat just by snapping my fingers you know. Oh wait…” He snaps his fingers, and is suddenly dressed in a tux and top hat, a monocle nestled next to his left eye. “I do!” He lets out an obnoxious laugh.
You get the impression that he isn’t taking you too seriously.
“Okay, amigos,” you say to your team. “All we’ve got to do is concentrate, hit him with a magical beam or some crap like that, then you can go home and eat chalupas or whatever it is you do. Are you all ready?”
“I need to use the little filly’s room!” chimes in Applebloom.
“I thought I told you to go before we left to take on a demonic god of chaos!”
“I didn’t need to go then…”
“Well, you can go after! But for now, focus!”
The six of you concentrate, and you feel as though a little bit of magic is starting to flow through you. You have a sneaking suspicion that the Flutterpillow isn’t pulling its weight, but you have no time to think on it now. Slowly, slowly, all of you begin to rise into the- Oh, wait, never mind. After a minute of thinking about how you aren’t sure what you should be concentrating on, you open your eyes. Nothing’s happened.
Discord starts to clap. “A marvelous performance!” he calls out. “I especially enjoyed the part where you stood around looking like idiots! So, the question is…” He disappears with a puff, before suddenly reappearing in front of you, eyes inches away from yours. “What do you plan to do now?”
But you aren’t afraid. “We’ll beat you Discord! Your reign of tyranny will be toppled!”
“Oh really?” He smiles a devilish smile. “You and what army?”
You look behind you to find no one. Not even the pillow. “Why those sons of bitches…”
The fight afterwards was pretty short. It mostly consisted of you flailing your arms and Discord looking unimpressed. It wasn’t long before the god decided he was bored of you, and decided that his garden could use some more decoration.
It is for that reason that you now find yourself made of stone, enjoying the wonderful view of all the demonic plants Discord has growing. You’d let out a sigh, but that’s hard to do when you’re made of stone. Actually, everything’s hard to do when you’re made of stone. Seriously, try it sometime.
Hey. Hey, can you here me?
You’re confused. It seems you heard a voice echoing in your mind.
That’s right. My names Brace Impact, I’ve been standing in this garden as a statue for a good eight-hundred years or so. Just wanted to give you a friendly welcome.Let me tell you, the garden can be a lot of fun. After about five hundred years you start developing psychic powers because of how bored you get. And there are plenty of ponies to talk to psychically here. Better get along with them, because you’re going to be here for a loooooong time. Hey, do you like Parcheesi? I can play a mean game of mental Parcheesi.
You have the feeling that you have a very lengthy eternity ahead of you.
THE END
Oof. That didn't go so well. Would you like to try again from the beginning?
You slowly regain consciousness, eyes opening slowly. You haven’t felt this groggy waking up since that one time you went to the circus and an elephant tried humping your leg. Except that time there was a far more distinct smell of peanuts.
“Well, well, well, look what the cat dragged in.” Oh joy. It seems you're vertically suspended from a board or plank, and Rarity is grinning up at you like a mad man. Or mad pony, you suppose.
“Rarity,” you cry out. “Stop this insanity! I just want to lendeth thee assistance!”
She taps her hoof against her chin a few times. “Let me think about tha- No. Although I do like receiving free things, 'assistance' is not something I can put on display.”
You struggle with the bonds to no avail. Since you're stuck, you decide to glance around the room. It seems you’re on the second story of the boutique and, yes, you are indeed suspended from one of the walls. A mirror located conveniently across from you shows you're bound in an x-shape, with a very nice picture frame surrounding you. Seriously, you think there may be some gold and silver in the mix. It'd be flattering if it wasn't for the fact you're being hung on a wall. “Oh no!” you gasp. “I’ve been… framed!” Rarity face-hooves. “What are you going to do with me, evil equine?!”
Rarity lets out a cackle. “Why, I plan to keep you as a nice display item. You are mine now, after all!”
Well, this is a most curious conundrum. You lack the ability to move any of your limbs, so you’ll have to rely on your wits to get out of this alive.
You can feel your stomach start to growl as you approach Sugarcube Corner, the confectionery heaven that you remember so fondly from the show. It smells much better then when you attempted to smell it during the actual episode.
You march confidently through the door, a bell mounted at the entrance making a gurgle noise as you go through. You march up to the front register. “Excuse me,” you proclaim. “I have some questions to ask you.”
The cupcake behind the register nods. “In case you’re wondering,” it says, “All our ponies are fresh. No unnatural chemicals are used at all.” You look at the shelves behind it. Mr. and Mrs. Cake are sitting there shelves, obviously waiting to be purchased.
“Although they do look like high quality equine,” you say, “I’m actually looking for Pinkie Pie. Have you seen her around?”
The cupcake nods. “Yeah, she’s upstairs in her room. She’s really rotten, so I can’t sell her. Isn’t good for business, you know?”
You nod knowingly. Life as a pony peddler can certainly be rough.
Thanking the cupcake for its time, you proceed up the stairs to Pinkie’s room. You don’t believe the Pinkie from the Discord episode is like the Pinkie from the Cupcakes story, but caution is still necessary.
You open the door to her room slowly, and only a crack. Inside you see Pinkie, sitting down on a stool, an expression more grumpy than your Uncle Carl’s after he lost a game of strip poker. Granted, the experience wasn’t rewarding for you either.
You know what? So far, you've been doing all this grunt work, and what thanks have you gotten? Nothing. Nada. Zip. You'd think Celestia or somebody would, at the very least, give you a medal or something! As a matter of fact, why isn't Celestia helping you? It's her bloody kingdom, after all! Why doesn't she get off her lazy rump and do something?
As a matter of fact, she's a god, isn't she? At least, you think she's a god. Maybe a minor deity. She can move the sun, that's got to count for something.
The brilliant idea crosses your mind that, maybe, if you concentrate hard enough, Celestia will hear your pleas for help. She could make this a whole lot easier for you.
Standing on the roof, you shout to the skies, "Oh mighty Celestia, Raiser of the Suns, and Part-Time Caretaker of the Moon! Heed my call! I ask for your assistance in incapacitating Applejack so I can force her to wear a small hunk of jewelry! Granted, it's a bit of an odd request, but the fate of your kingdom depends on it!"
You feel an apple bounce off your forehead. "Keep it quiet up there! I'm tryin' to do somethin'!" Applejack shouts up at you.
You wait for Celestia to make an appearance. You know, descend from the clouds bathed in light. Something flashy. You begin to tap your foot impatiently. "Well?!" you cry out, "You gonna do something or what, you lazy bum!?"
Suddenly, a bolt of lightning forks down from the sky and strikes you dead on, and you can feel the energy surge through your body. When it stops, you sniff the air. Something smells funny, and you can see smoke lazily rising from your body. A letter materializes out of nowhere and lands gently in your hand. It reads; 'Next time you try to call upon my powers, send a letter addressed to 45 Bite My Ass Avenue. -Celestia.' It looks like Discord's managed to do something you'd thought only occurred in the MLP fandom; he's turned Celestia into an asshole!
You gaze angrily back up at the sky. "Oh yeah, Celestia?! Well fu-" Another bolt of lightning hits you right between the eyes, and the pain causes you to black out. When you awaken, you find yourself at the entrance of Sweet Apple Acres in a trash can. You can only assume that Applejack decided to get rid of the singed lump that fell off her roof.
You begin to think. Not only outside the box, mind you, but outside the known universe. Your mind begins to hit upon old Monty Python sketches, 2001: A Space Odyssey, and more. Slowly, but surely, you begin to come up with all sorts of zany ideas. You take out a piece of paper and begin writing down all the materials you'll need, then you head into town to retrieve them.
Applejack is still laying on her back, relaxing when you return. You cough to get her attention. She glances at you casually before looking away again. Suddenly, her eyes practically pop out of her skull as she does a double take. "What the...?"
You take this as a cue to start.
You bow, feeling the antennas on your custom stitched porcupine-alien outfit lightly hit you in the face when you do. You begin to perform a well-rehearsed ballet routine, jumping to and fro, feeling the springs glued onto your sneakers propelling you high into the air. Grabbing hold of three pies that are behind you (apple, cinnamon, and mushroom), you proceed to juggle them. After a minute or so, you fling the pies one after another at Applejack, who doesn't seem to notice when they hit her in the face. Her mouth is agape as she watches you, incredibly confused about what's going on. You move on to the next stage of the plan, grabbing a hula-hoop and proceed to sit inside it, staring at the pony with an intensity rivaling Fluttershy.
"Are, uh, you okay, pardner?" Applejack asks.
"Don't you see?!" you scream. "The stars need to be aligned! Be that rocket pony, Applejack! BE. THAT. ROCKET PONY."
She starts backing away. You're losing her!
You decide to readjust your routine, and quickly run after her. "Wait, Applejack! Don't you see?! I'm just trying to-" The earth pony suddenly whips out a can of pepper spray. "Wait, can ponies even use-?" You get hit right in the face, and you feel a horrible pain, as though your eyes decided to start dancing on hot coals.
"Now get out of here, you weirdo! Get!" And she gives you a strong kick in the gut.
You moan as you start to crawl away, wondering what went wrong. You suspect you used the wrong flavors of pie, but it's not your fault! Where were you going to get pineapple on such short notice? > Well, maybe you'll have better luck with the next pony.
“That’s… That’s horrible…” Twilight breaks down, beginning to cry. “I should never have brought you here! All you’ve done is-” She stops, staring in confusion at something behind you. “Wait, I thought you…”
You turn around. To your shock and amazement, you see five ponies walking towards you. Five ponies that are no longer various shades of grey, but full of color.
“You said you killed them!” Twilight muttered, her voice now filled with happiness.
“I… I did.” You rub your eyes, unsure if you’re actually seeing what you’re seeing. And… nope, your eyes are working just fine. "I thought I did..."
“Actually,” Pinkie Pie says, “You almost killed all of us! Honestly, do you think anypony is going to actually die in this show? No way!”
“You know the expression, ‘My life flashed before my eyes?’” Rarity adds. “Well, each of us had that experience, and it had precisely the same impact as Twilight’s magic.”
“We all remembered all the good times we've had and how awesome our friendship is, then turned back to normal!” Rainbow Dash explains.
“And now we’re here and ready to kick us some Discord butt!” Applejack exclaims.
“Um… What they said.” Fluttershy concludes.
“That… that’s amazing!” Twilight gives you a knowing smile, as though she's just figured out your big secret. “I bet you had this planned all along, didn’t you?”
You open a door to a room you hadn't noticed before. You wonder, What is this place? To your shock, you see a man crouched over a table, as though he was reviewing some sort of notes. Actually, oh crap... Er, you should really leave the room! I'm... I mean, he's not important!
The man turns around. You don't know why, you don't know how, but you have the feeling that this man is responsible for everything you've gone through so far. You start walking towards him.
"Oh, um, hello," he says nervously, "I didn't think you'd find me in-" You punch him dead in the face. He falls backwards, crashing into the table. "I take it you're a bit sour," he groans.
"Do you know what I've been through thanks to you?!" you shout, "I've been belittled, beat up, kicked in the face several times, been STRUCK BY LIGHTNING, and more! Not to mention there&'a no way I'm as stupid as you make me out to be!"
"Right..." He stands up gingerly, wincing from the pain. "I admit, I have put you through a good deal..."
"Also," you add, "I hate your other stuff. A Rarity/Tom shipping? Please, I could write better stuff in my sleep! Oh, and what's that you're working on?" You push past the man and look at the notes on the table.
"They're the author notes. I figured I'd put them where a reader wouldn't find them so easily. You know, a reward for exploring the story a bit."
Your curiosity gets the best of you and you begin to read the notes out loud. "'Hey, thanks for reading this story! I've put a lot of work into this and I really hope you enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed making it! It took a few months of gradual work, but I'm really happy with how the final product turned out. Amusingly enough another choose your own adventure story in the same vein as this one was actually published around the same time as I was writing this one. It was a bit discouraging seeing someone beat you to the punch, especially when the idea was something I'd never seen done in the fandom before. I was tempted to stop working on the story, but then I realized how silly it'd be to not do something just because one other person used the same style. There have been numerous stories out there similar to this one (with Kingdom of Loathing being a strong influence for me). Why should I refrain from providing my own take on the genre? Another thing I was concerned about was that I'd be chased off of Fimfiction by people claiming this story was a cheap ripoff of Blueshift's. I mean, the whole "incompetent brony in Equestria"... It's a really weird coincidence.
"'Originally the story was going to be about triple this length. My plan was, at the beginning of the story when you decided on how you were going to greet Twilight Sparkle, the way you responded would effect what conflict you had to solve. One choice would lead to you stopping Discord, another choice would lead to you stopping Nightmare Moon, and another choice would lead to you getting ingredients for Pinkie Pie's cake. To make things even MORE complex, I was thinking of putting a portion of a URL in the ending of each conflict. If you piece all the pieces of the URL together, it would have led to the true villain; the author! The one who put you through all of this just for the sake of having material to write a story! I was halfway through writing Discord's segment when I realized that this would be way too long and convoluted. I'd kill all the perfectionists in my audience with them hunting down every unread chapter they missed. So, I decided to stick just with the Discord segment. As is, the story's pretty big. I don't want to hit Stephen King lengths... Anyway, thanks for reading!'"
You turn back to the man. "Excuse me, I have ponies to save." You give him the middle finger as you leave the room. Jerk...
