My Little Pony: Bureaucracy is Politic

by swirlstar

SE310: Keep Calm and Flutter On

Season 3 Episode 10 – Keep Calm and Flutter On

Rich Industries Company-Horlogerie, Ponyville

The Agenda:
1. Meeting with Filthy Rich. [ ]
2. LONG TERM – Foster reconciliation in Ponyville. [ ]

Something odd was in the air: one moment the Mayor was standing in the midst of a cavernous cave, lights flashing; then came an image of Filthy Rich, face gnarled in a sour and faux-seriousness, striding in slow-mo from his RICH-emblazoned carriage; clouds zipping by the office of Rich Industries; spotlights tilting and nodding behind the silhouettes of two very familiar ponies; Mayor Mare could see her name lit up in golden spotlights. A funky guitar was playing: “Money, money, money…"

The filthy rich millio-billionaire strode confidently on stage.

“Good morning,” he said curtly.

Mayor Mare’s heart skipped a beat. “M-morning,” she stammered. Out of the corner of her eye she saw Lyra flinch and stutter out her greeting as well – and found out that, somehow, it was soothing her nerves.

The millionaire slipped into his chair as the political leaders of Ponyville stood before him, heads bowed like naughty schoolfillies. Allowing for a moment of dramatic silence, Filthy Rich cleared his throat, assumed a mantis-like pose and immediately began issuing his challenge:

“We’re standing in front of the RICH family emblem. As you can see, the mark of the Three Coinbags has become a symbol of Ponyville. It shows my rule over this little town. And you know, there are various forms of rule. There’s political rule, which is the actual writing and issuing of orders. Then there’s non-political rule, which is not the actual writing and issuing of orders-”

Mayor Mare cast a sideways glance at Lyra Heartstrings.

“Let him,” the minty-green pony mouthed.

“-it’s important that my rule be the only rule in town,” Filthy Rich continued, his hooves pressing down in his mantis-like poise. “As everypony knows, you two want to show the Princess that you can engineer the peace in Ponyville. And the easiest way is to let me engineer the peace in Ponyville. Really, the task?”

Really Rich? Really?

On cue stepped a young stallion, mane moussed back and glistening in the cold harsh light. “Each pony is going to find a way to get rid of Discord. You’re allowed to use any method to get rid of Discord – though the legal ramifications, of course, will have to be borne by yourselves.”

“Keeping the peace in Ponyville means that only one pony can call the shots in this town,” Filthy Rich continued. “Our town has become a dumping ground for all of Equestria’s problems. When Canterlot sends its ponies, they’re not sending their best. They’re sending ponies that have a lot of problems… they’re bringing chaos, they’re bringing discord, they’re demons – and some, I assume, are good ponies.”

Mayor Mare cast another sideways glance at Lyra Heartstrings.

“Let. Him!” the minty-green pony pleaded through gritted teeth.

“So!” Filthy Rich again raised his mantis-claws, drawing the entire scene to a rousing end. “Good luck, do your thing, and don’t come back until you’ve succeeded.”

Almost immediately Lyra puffed out her chest. “Yes, Sir!” she exclaimed, giddy as a rookie at a Wonderbolts initiation. “I’ll get the job done for you, Sir!”

She cast a sneaky glance at her gray-maned counterpart and smirked. I dare you to copy me now, dork!

Mayor Mare pursed her lips. “You can count on me, Mr. Rich…” she said calmly. “For only I have the experience to get things done.”

And without another word, the tan pony turned on her hooves and left. Lyra, seeing this, hastily made her excuses and suspiciously eyed her from behind: the Mayor was acting unnaturally calm for such a momentous task, and more often than not that meant that some scheme of hers was about to be hatched…

“And don’t forget – at the end of this, somepony will have to go!” Filthy Rich bellowed after them.

*

Audience Hall, Canterlot Castle, Canterlot

The great military strategist Stallion Tzu once said that ‘to subdue the enemy without fighting is the acme of skill’. He also cautioned that ‘if you do not know your enemies nor yourself, you will be imperiled in every single battle’.

Unfortunately for Mayor Mare, Stallion Tzu was assuming that one knew who the enemies were, which in this instance was not particularly the case.

“You see, the Mayor fancies herself quite the armchair general,” Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon explained condescendingly to the political mistresses of his political mistresses. “And thus she has asked me to inform you about Filthy Rich’s plot to unseat Discord – I suppose in the hope that you will hoof down some edict to erase any chance of that happening, at least until she herself requests it.”

Princess Celestia glanced at Princess Luna before turning back to the ‘Royal Tutor’, nurturer of their hopes in the form of Twilight Sparkle. “They do know why we put Discord in Ponyville, right?”

The aristocratic stallion let loose the slightest of mysterious smiles. “Alas, Your Highnesses, I think my political mistresses are still unaware of the depth of feeling that Your Highnesses have for them-“

“We put Discord there because we wanted him reformed!” Luna insisted indignantly, the issue obviously touching on a very raw and personal nerve. “Petrification certainly constitutes cruel and unusual punishment by any standard, even for the most heinous of criminals – and it goes against everything that the Equestrian nation stands for!”

The words of the prodigal alicorn, passionate and bold, rang true about the gilded halls of the Palace... only to be greeted with a tense and awkward silence.

Princess Celestia offered up an embarrassed laugh. “Ah, yes… of course, yes, criminal reform: that’s why we sent Discord to Ponyville…”

“Wha-?” Princess Luna’s eyes widened, first in disbelief, then in horror. “’TIA!” she bellowed. “I thought we were doing this for criminal justice reform!”

The white alicorn winced as the full force of the Royal Canterlot Voice impacted her like a hurricane. “Calm down, Luna!” she retorted. "I clearly told you that, quote, ‘What I know about it, as of today, and I don’t yet have all the details: I am in favor of criminal justice reform’. Surely I’m allowed to change my mind?”

Luna fell back into her couch, glaring at her sister. “We had that conversation only a few days ago! And now you've decided to turn this whole experiment with criminal rehabilitation into some contemptible joke?"

“Well, I've thought about it some more, and as of today have come to the conclusion that, based on what I have seen, criminal justice reform is not at a high enough bar to satisfy my current gold standard for priorities; at least, not compared with our Ponyville issue. Surely you also want some payback?”

The Princess of the Night crossed her forelegs, unsatisfied. “You’re a flip-flopper,” she announced haughtily.

Celestia made a face and turned back to her interlocutor. “Anyway,” she said, returning to topic with Crimson Ribbon. “Yes. I have no interest in seeing Discord come back to Canterlot – not yet, anyway. I shall issue the edict immediately-“

“With all due respect, Your Highness,” Crimson Ribbon interjected. “Such a blatant move will only unite Miss Heartstrings and Mr. Rich against you, increasing the chance that your plans for Ponyville will be exposed just as it is entering its most delicate phase. You must be cautious, Your Highness.”

The Princess nodded sagely. “You have a point,” she concurred. “We must provide something else to deflect Ponyville’s attention onto.” She took a sip out of her cup. “I trust you have something to say about this, Mr. Ribbon?”

At Her Highness’ prompting, the gray stallion slowly lowered his head, philosopher-like, onto the crook of his foreleg, and began setting the cogs of his intellect in motion.

“Shill,” Luna sulked and muttered darkly.

*

Rich Industries Company-Horlogerie, Ponyville

The combination of bass-drum and tinkling-bell, with an occasional repeating piano note added in for good measure, said all that needed to be said: this was to be a moment of tension.

Really was talking. “I think, in the end, all leaders have to be responsible for their failures. Even if said failure came as a result of a royal edict preventing them from doing anything meaningful. You can’t just blame other ponies and expect to get away with it.”

Filthy Rich, gravelly as ever, nodded. “Even if the alternative is getting cast into the Sun. You'll never make good deals that way.”

The build-up over, the brown stallion swiveled around in his chair and loomed over the two ponies below him, their legs trembling despite their best efforts.

“Mayor, Lyra; I would normally consider you two bright fillies, but on this task you both have let me down,” he stated grimly. “I gave the both of you clear instructions to evict Discord from Ponyville, but instead you two come back and he’s still here.”

Lyra, ever grasping, seized the first opportunity. “Mr. Rich, believe me! I tried to appeal to the Canterlot Palace,” she groveled, looking up with puppy eyes towards her ever-more-distant financial benefactor. “I tried, Mr. Rich, I really tried; it wasn’t my fault that Princess Celestia refused-“

Mr. Rich was unmoved. “Discord’s still here, Lyra-”

“Yes, I know that, but it’s not-“

“Discord’s still here-“

“Mr. Rich, please-“

“Discord’s. Still. Here, Lyra,” Filthy Rich declared with an air of finality. “He’s not gone. You failed.”

Lyra was stuck flailing around, mouth hanging open like a stranded fish. “Please, Mr. Rich,” she tried one last time, voice lowering to a whimper. “The bid for the Equestrian Games is coming soon. I swear by Celestia, Mr. Rich, I’ll get that nomination for you, no matter what-“

“Mayor,” Filthy Rich said, ignoring the pathetic lime-green mare and focusing on the Mayor, quiet as a dormouse. “In my opinion, you are a very, very ineffective leader – your decision-making was absolutely terrible, you’re the reason why Ponyville doesn’t win any more. Manehattan is winning. Canterlot is winning. You don’t know how to make great deals for this town.

“And Lyra – you talked such a big game, but failed to deliver on any of it. You’re only the Deputy Mayor because you came in second place. I like ponies who aren’t in second place.”

Lyra bit her lip and remained silent.

Filthy Rich gestured at the oaken desk before him. “In my whole time in business, I’ve never seen two ponies lose so badly. Mayor, Lyra: if this was a business team, I’d have you all fired… but unfortunately, you two are the only ponies running for election this year. So I guess you’ll all have to be retained. Until the next task.”

Mayor Mare swore she heard, at that moment, the low yet dramatic rumble of a bass drum.

*

Mane Street, Ponyville

Exhausted by their travails, Lyra and Mayor Mare took a cab back to Town Hall.

“I don’t think it was fair,” Lyra Heartstrings whined. “I don’t think it was fair at all! It wasn’t my fault that the Princess decided to suddenly issue that Edict banning anypony from moving Discord out of Ponyville... what was I supposed to do, disobey the Princess’ orders and get myself sent to the Sun? And Mr. Rich picked on me for failing to get Discord expelled. He didn’t say anything bad to the Mayor…”

“You know I’m right next to you, Lyra,” Mayor Mare muttered sarcastically.

“I know,” the Deputy Mayor seethed through clenched jaws. “It’s just… he’s such a jerk. If it wasn’t for the fact that I need his money, I’d-“

“Well, you’re not providing him with much of a service,” the tan pony rubbed salt into wounds.

Lyra smoldered. “Neither are you!” she screeched.

Mayor Mare reclined serene. “Maybe not at present,” she mused. “But the bid for the Equestrian Games is coming up soon and I’m sure to win that for Ponyville... Mr. Rich will then get all the construction contracts he wants and he’ll be sure to back my candidacy, one-hundred-percent.”

“You won’t get it,” the lime-green mare scowled. “I’m the only one who can achieve that!”

The gray-maned mare acknowledged Lyra’s protestations with a careful tip of her head and a knowing smile. After all, she knew something that her Deputy didn’t – that Celestia was going to award the honor of hosting the Equestria Games to Ponyville, and in particular to the Mayor in her capacity as the town's Mayor. That would mean that Lyra would have no say in the preparation for the Games at all, which meant that the subsequent organizational funds - and by extension the Mayoral election - were entirely Mayor Mare’s for the taking!

So let Lyra whine like the crybaby that she was – all the Mayor had to do was sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride. After all, the Princess couldn't possibly have promised the Games to somepony else!

Author's Note:

[Particular inspiration: 1) More Trump (esp. his stint as host of NBC's 'Apprentice'), including some of his more famous 'Trumpisms'; 2) Princess Celestia's qualifier-laden speech is basically Hillary Clinton's statement justifying her changing position on TPP; 3) Venue choice for sports events (esp. FIFA sports events), can sometimes come about due to corruption and politics rather than any merit on the hosting town's part.]

Comments

[SuperPinkBrony12]

I suspected Filthy Rich was a nod to Donald Trump. It's sad that not only is he running, but he's also holding the lead. The only one who's even close to overtaking him is Ben Carson, and that's an even worse solution.

[Seether00]

Next Mr Trump Mr Rich will run for Mayor himself, but the very idea is absurd. That could never happen in real life.

[SuperPinkBrony12]

6617562 That's Hillary and Bill Clinton, and at no point did I claim that the Democrats didn't have their skeletons in the closet.

[Seether00]

We miss you.