My Little Pony: Bureaucracy is Politic

by swirlstar

S1E22: A Bird in the Hoof

Season 1 Episode 22 - A Bird in the Hoof

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

The Agenda:

1. Meeting with the Princess Celestia [ ]

2. LONG TERM - Win Election! [ ]

Gallop Poll: MAYOR MARE (EQA) 35% / LYRA HEARTSTRINGS (EQE) 37% (±4%)

Crimson Ribbon, Secretary for Administration, was busy reading out bad news. "... inflation has increased by six percentage points; the Ponyville Post Office has lost 300 parcels; the Equestrian Engineers' Association rates the Wade S. Mare Memorial Bridge as being 'dangerously unsafe'- "

"That is a lot of bad news, Mr. Ribbon," Mayor Mare mentioned concernedly, looking up from her agenda. "Won't the Express- "

The gray bureaucrat looked up with a soothing smile. "Mayor," he reassured his superior, "this is all the bad news we've been saving up for the past three months. Weekend plus a Royal Visit, you see. Perfect time to unleash the news dump. The Express won't bother."

The tan mare was unconvinced. "And what makes you think the Express, who, I will remind you, is out to get me, won't even try to- "

Her reasoning was rudely cut short. The doors swung open with an audible bang, revealing behind them a haughty, scowling soldier of the Royal Guard, striking a pose that signaled an impending royal announcement. "Mayor Mare, the Princess Celestia approaches!"

"Princess Celestia?" the tan pony asked incredulously, nevertheless scrambling to her hooves. "She's half an hour early..."

The awful majesty of Equestria's ruler came into sight, silencing whatever remaining words of protest were emanating from the bespectacled mare's mouth. Quick as a flash, she, along with her Secretary for Administration, rushed to the front of the imperious alicorn and flung themselves down before her dread figure. "All hail the Princess Celestia!" the two ponies hollered in unison.

"Arise," the God-Ruler commanded to her subjects. The two ponies complied meekly, standing respectfully to one side as their lady swept into the room.

Princess Celestia took her seat on a nearby armchair, beckoning the Mayor to come sit. Crimson Ribbon responded with a polite bow and took his leave.

The heavy doors swung shut. The room recessed into a deafening silence, with nary but the breaths of the two souls inside punctuating the stillness.

Without asking, she levitated Mayor Mare's teapot over and poured her subject a cup of hot brew. She first broke the ice. "As you can see, Mayor," still focusing on the teacup, the Defender of the Sun and Moon chose her words matter-of-factly. "I live up to my promises. You have helped me in the Diamond Dogs, and now I hold up my side of the bargain."

"Indeed, Your Majesty, you have," the politician responded quizzically, wondering where this conversation was heading, and what possible topic could elicit such urgency from the Princess.

Equestria's Ruler handed the crockery over to the tan pony. "No doubt this will be the perfect day for your government to toss whatever unwanted refuse into the ether. But let me remind you that I have told the citizens that you have requested my presence. Doubtless you understand that to say otherwise would have given rise to the suspicion of favoritism."

"I remember that from your summons, Your Highness," Mayor Mare answered formulaically. The Princess was taking her sweet time getting to the point; this probably meant bad news was just around the corner...

"Now then, let us finally get down to business," Princess Celestia, noting the Mayor's reticence, finally began. "It is the opinion of the Princess Luna that Equestrian education is hopelessly out-of-date. Too much emphasis on freedom of thought, not enough emphasis on rote learning and memorization."

"Ah." The tan pony took a few seconds to frame her argument in the most respectable light possible. "That is a rather... medieval outlook on education."

"Indeed." The Ruler of Equestria nodded, conjuring a scroll out of thin air. "But nevertheless, the Princess Luna's reasoning seems sound, as you will see."

The alicorn magically unfurled the parchment and began to read in a droning monotone that exemplified her own revulsion. "'Competitive, difficult exams for which pupils must prepare by memorizing large amounts of facts and concepts will promote motivation, solidify knowledge and guarantee standards.' You get the point."

Princess Celestia proceeded to give her comment as the scroll returned to nothingness with a shimmering twinkle. "Now, I have no doubt that this is partially correct. The scientific research by Professor Witherham seems to indicate so. The Princess Luna, if nothing else, has been rigorous in her research."

Mayor Mare was attuned enough to realize that Her Majesty's voice implied otherwise. So lucky for me that Cheerilee's a teacher, the tan pony thought, as she fished around in her mind for the common rebuttals against such an approach. "Well... what about creativity? What about the skills to analyze? Princess Luna's plan would seem to, uh, disregard these elements of a good education."

The alicorn exhaled deeply, perhaps with some slight relief. "Indeed, Mayor. But this is only one aspect of the issue that we face now." With these words, Equestria's Ruler conjured up another scroll and magically unraveled its contents in front of the politician. "I give you the list of her proposed changes to our current system."

Mayor Mare did a quick scan. Linking teacher's pay to performance... letting parents decide which schools to go to... inspectors to rate schools according to performance... "Umm... Your Highness, these plans might trigger some... discontent within the teaching community," the tan pony reminded helpfully, knowing full well that this was what the Princess wanted her to say. "This could negatively affect social harmony."

Princess Celestia nodded. "You are prescient, Mayor."

"Comes with the profession," the bespectacled mare joked unashamedly.

The alicorn smiled mysteriously. "Good, Mayor Mare. You will understand, then, that what I need to prove to Princess Luna is the fact that our educational system, as it is, works perfectly well."

"Of course," Mayor Mare responded instinctively, eyes widening, too late, at the realization that-

"And thus, you will understand why I have volunteered Ponyville for this task," the Princess calmly slipped the noose over her subject's neck.

The tan mare's smirk vanished in an instant. "P-ponyville?"

"Yes, Ponyville," the Ruler of Equestria serenely began pouring out her cup of tea.

Silence returned to the room, punctured only with the sound of softly outpouring brew.

Mayor Mare tried to recover. "W-why not Manehattan?"

"Too large," the Princess answered. "I need a guarantee that Luna's inspectors will pick out students who will satisfy her high expectations of Equestrian education. And Ponyville - home to Twilight Sparkle, Miss Cheerilee and, dare I say, Mayor Mare yourself - surely has the most finely-educated batch of youth anywhere in the realm."

The bespectacled mare, in a rare break from tradition, did not accept the flattery happily. "Your Highness, surely you can ask the Princess Luna to desist- "

"You will understand that she will need to have some role in administration, if she is to keep her darker side at bay."

"Princess," the Mayor tried her best not to fall into Celestia's trap. "I must insist- "

The alicorn frowned. "Surely, Mayor Mare, you can see that the ramifications of this extend to the entirety of Equestria."

Horseapples! "Yes, but- "

"Mayor Mare," the Princess chided gently, "I have come to visit today."

"But- "

"There will be a lot riding on this, Mayor Mare," the sovereign continued, a twinge of threat emanating from her soothing voice. "A lot."

"Please, Princess- "

"Now, Mayor Mare," the Princess got up from her chair, her magnificent figure towering over her subject. "Will you accept this most important task?"

The politician was thoroughly cornered. "Yes, Your Highness," Mayor Mare had little choice but to say dejectedly.

The Princess Celestia broke out into a knowing smile.

*

Ponyville Schoolhouse, Ponyville

Heaving and huffing, Mayor Mare stumbled into the now-emptied classroom. "Ch- Cheerie!" she wheezed at the violet schoolteacher, who was then poring over a morass of paper.

"Mom?" The purple mare quickly got off her seat and gingerly escorted her mother towards her workspace, gently pushing the exhausted pony into the parent's chair. "Oh, what happened to you? I thought you were going to meet with the Princess!"

The tan pony was in no mood for explanation. "Tests... tests!" she panted desperately. "Need... need them... now!... give!"

Cheerilee was slightly taken aback. "Mom, you know I can't do that under the Union Regul- "

"To Tartaros with that!" Mayor Mare snapped, lunging at the confused stack of quizzes and answers. She grabbed one sheet of paper. Twist - 60/100. No!

She grabbed another sheet of paper. Silver Spoon - 50/100. No, no!

Mayor Mare stuck her hoof deep in the pile and drew out her last sheet. Surely, surely... Scootaloo - 30/100. No, no, no!

"MOM!" Cheerilee's furious voice finally breached the growing storm of failure and despair swirling within the bespectacled mare. "What in the name of Celestia are you doing!"

The tan pony didn't respond for some while, merely standing there, swooning to and fro, looking ready to collapse in a lifeless heap-

The disappointment in Princess Celestia's voice was manifestly evident. "Mayor Mare, I thought I could trust you - and now, my plans for Equestria are going to be ruined because of you... you'd better begin clearing that Mayor's desk for Lyra Heartstrings...

A cold shiver zapped down the politician's spine. She turned back to Cheerilee. The purple pony's eyes widened at the manic look in the politician's eyes. "A-are you all right?" the teacher squeaked, slowly backing up into the wall.

"These tests," the Mayor abruptly declared, no small amount of iron frothing forth from her voice. "These test scores. Get. Them. Up!"

*

Ponyville Park, Ponyville

"A final word, Mayor Mare, before I leave." The Princess Celestia was standing next to her carriage, a radiant phoenix perched imperiously beside her. The alicorn, however, didn't seem so happy.

The tan mare scuttled over in front of the unicorn and prostrated herself deeply, heart filled with impending dread.

The Ruler of Equestria spoke slowly and deliberately. "It seems that your Ranger has no idea what a phoenix is, not to mention what the life-cycle of a phoenix is like. This does not bode well for the educational system in Ponyville."

Mayor Mare dared not look up at the Princess. "W-well, Your Highness," she scrambled around for an explanation. "P-phoenixes are r-rare in Eq-questria- "

"She is a Ranger, Mayor," the alicorn interrupted with finality.

The bespectacled mare's heart skipped a beat. "I- we'll t-try our best to address this," she replied fearfully. "W-we just n-need some t-time... "

"The inspectors are coming in a few days. You don't have time, Mayor Mare."

"W-we'll think of s-something, Your H-highness... "

"The fate of Equestrian education rests in your hooves, Mayor. I need you to succeed."

And with that, the dread Princess boarded her carriage and took to flight, happy Philomena soaring alongside her entourage. The impetuous cry of the immortal bird, newly liberated from the shackles of pain and death, only added to the sense of doom building up in the tan pony, whose body was still down in the cold, wet mud.

*

Mayor Mare's House, Ponyville

"What?!" Cheerilee screamed in disbelief as her copy of Black Beauty thudded onto the floor. "You want Twilight Sparkle to what?!"

"Only for the time being, Cheerie, only for the time being!" Mayor Mare yelled back from the upstairs landing. "For Celestia's sake, help your mom for once!"

"No, no!" the schoolteacher hastily corrected herself, suppressing her own outburst of jealousy. "I mean... w-what if the Teacher's Union found out? They'll drive me out of the profession! I'm supposed to be enforcing their rules in the Ponyville District - I can't possibly let an unqualified pony teach!"

An audible groan from above. "Look, Cheerie, how many ponies are under your jurisdiction?"

"Well, one... me."

"So just keep your mouth shut about this whole darned business!" Mayor Mare ended this idiotic conversation.

Author's Note:

[Particular inspiration: 1) The practice of a 'Friday News Dump' or 'Important Day News Dump' (of which Jo Moore in 2001 was the most notorious) to get rid of bad news. 2) Educational Reform (particular quote from current UK Educational Secretary Michael Gove)]

Sorry for being absent; blame exams (which have been going on for three weeks now).

Comments

[Seether00]

Luna's crappy proposal reminds of No Child Left Behind in the States. What cluster that is. Yeah the Mayor is screwed. Ponyville is home both the CMC and Snips and Snails. No way they pass inspection.

[SuperPinkBrony12]

2667357 The problem with education reform is that by forcing more tests and higher standards onto students you put more pressure on them and often take away the extra circulm classes that allow them to branch out. We can't be expecting everyone to grow up to be as smart as we would like them, yes we do need standards but not ones that take away a student's free will.

And of course I think Celestia is just making that excuse up to screw with Mayor Mare. She secretly dispises Ponyville for reasons yet unknown.

[fedback]

my head canon says that snip and snails will both be nuclear engineers and the bringers of technological revolution.

And gosh....that celestia is such BIAATCH....poor mayor mare, i feel bad for her....still not voting for her.

[Shogoki]

2667357

Actually Luna's proposal is to change the education model to one similar to ones existing in modern Asian countries, the current education model seems to resemble the one in existing in the USA.

Raising the grades in this context does not mean everyone gets better grades (what no child left behind did and what the mayor is being pushed to do by Celestial, in a way) but that gaining access to higher education is reserved only for those both sufficiently dedicated and intelligent to actually do good in them, as both getting and staying there is harder. Since you have more dedicated students it follows that they will get better grades.

[Melancholy]

2667357 reminds you of it does it? No small surprise then since we copied that almost whole sale not long after you made it and called it "every child matters". That too is a crock. Additionally, Gods I hate Gove so bucking much.

Signed,
A teacher.

[neobyzantium]

Why did Silver Spoon only get 50 percent on a test? Isn't she supposed to be smart and an intellectual? I've always pictured her as being the top student in academics at her school......