S3E9: Spike at Your Service
Season 3 Episode 9 – Spike at Your Service
Golden Oaks Library, Ponyville
The Agenda:
1. Meeting with Filthy Rich. [ ]
2. LONG TERM – Foster reconciliation in Ponyville. [ ]
The Law of Diminishing Returns states that the more of a certain good you consume, the less utility you receive from each successive good; and it is the opinion of most Equestrian economists that this Law applies to everything in Equestria, which means that yes, you can have too many dreams of Princess Cadence (or would it be having a dream with too many Princess Cadences?). Either way, if even that scenario succumbs to the diktat of marginal utility, then the Law must inevitably apply to the case of a magical, book-loving arch-protégé of the Solar Princess, and the towering, writhing mass of books that menaced before her.
Twilight gulped as the door opened and another crate laden with books was unceremoniously dumped on the wooden floor. “I… I have to read all this?” she exclaimed goggly-eyed, for the first and (likely) only time in her life.
Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon was many things, but being sympathetic was not one of them. “Why yes,” he said, idly filing away at a stray hoof splinter as the unicorn beheld the pile before her like some ancient ruin. “The ideal pony must first be educated in the proper arts: mathematics, writing, and etiquette... oh, and also in music, archery, and chariot-pulling.”
“But what about government?” Twilight frowned as she examined the natural wonders forming in the land of paper. “I thought you said Princess Celestia wanted me to get a better grip on municipal administration.”
“Mere distractions,” the gray stallion said, dismissively pooh-poohing her concerns. “That all comes naturally once you learn the classics. In the words of my Oatsford don: once you've learnt how to pull a chariot, then you’ll have understood the only political lesson that matters – fewer ponies equals greater control.”
The furrows on Twilight’s brow deepened, and she began to wonder if she should really take this so-called ‘mentor’s’ advice at face value. “'How to Train Yourself to be a Loner',” she muttered, pulling out a book that depicted a lone adventurer wandering off into the sunset on its cover. “Surely I don’t have to read this…”
“Au contraire,” Crimson Ribbon advised condescendingly. “Any statesmare of worth has to learn how to sever worthless connections and strike out on her own. Why, your brother would never have managed to become Prince of the Crystal Empire if he clung on to his old bonds and friends!”
“Shining Armor had no friends,” Twilight answered bluntly. “You expect somebody who’s won that big of a jackpot to have friends?”
“Just making a point,” the Secretary for Administration leant back in his chair and continued his filing. “I myself rejected a mare’s advances four times until she finally gave up and married somepony else – unfortunately for her, still stuck at Transportation.”
The unicorn grimaced: whatever Princess Celestia has in store, I hope she brings it on fast. “Well, however… important all this reading is, I’m entitled to some free time of my own,” Twilight Sparkle declared defiantly. “Princess Celestia sent me here to make friends, and I’ll be making time for them if they ask me for help.”
“Ah, the traditional work-life balance...” Crimson Ribbon spoke as if he was narrating some farmer’s commercial. “Yes, of course, you should have a suitable amount of free time – so long as all that free time is devoted to working concerns.”
“Do you give this sort of advice to the Mayors as well?” Twilight challenged, incredulous.
“Do I?” the Secretary of Administration eyed Twilight mysteriously, the faintest glint in his eye. “No, Ms. Sparkle; they already do it…”
*
Rich Industries Company-Horlogerie, Ponyville
Despite its name, Filthy Rich (JP OSS KOS)’s company was not actually in the watchmaking business. It did, however, give the millionaire license to abbreviate his company to RICH, figures of which he promptly stuck in bold-and-golden capitals, on every place where the eye could see.
“I’m rich. I’m really rich,” the chestnut-coated stallion began, swiveling around in his leather chair in the manner that one saw in movies – he overshot, and had to paw his way back towards his audience. “You know how rich I am? Money magazine estimated my net worth at 50 million; they’re wrong. It’s actually 300 million.”
Yeah, if you discount all the debt from your six bankruptcies, Mayor Mare thought. Spending time in front of this blustering plutocrat was perhaps not her preferred form of off-work relaxation, but if Lyra Heartstrings was going to make Mr. Rich her sugar daddy, then sure as Tartaros she was going to attempt the same thing as well…
…which turned out to be slightly awkward, because Deputy Mayor Lyra Heartstrings was now also standing beside her, Mr. Rich having diabolically scheduled their meetings to clash. The lime-green pony saw Mayor Mare looking in her direction and responded with an angry scowl. Well, that’s the end of reconciliation, then...
“You know I’m just a businesspony,” Filthy Rich said. “I give to everypony: they call, I give. And I will give to you both too, if you grant me this simple request- ”
“Simple request, yes, simple request!” Lyra Heartstrings leant forward eagerly, mouth salivating in anticipation. “Give, yes, Mr. Rich, yes; I’ll do anything!”
Mayor Mare kept her dignity for all of one second. “Yes, Mr. Rich, yes; I’ll do anything too, believe me!” she said, leaning forwards and lolling her tongue – she tried hard but somehow she still looked less personable than her minty rival; wide-eyed Lyra at least looked somewhat adorable in her begging, while Mayor Mare’s audible breathing and saggy face more resembled a gorilla instead.
Not that Mr. Rich cared. “-and you know what that request is? All I want is: two, three years down the line, for me to pick up the phone and know that you’re there for me. You know who did that stuff the best? Mayor Fields,” he added with a wistful sigh. “One day I called him at his office and told him, ‘Be at my wedding!’, and you know what, he came to my wedding – he had no choice, because I gave. To be honest, I reserved him for Diamond’s wedding as well, but… well… you know,” he winked knowingly at his two supplicants. “Not even money can save you from what you did in college.”
Lyra was practically chomping at the bit, posed to pounce at the stallion to the ground and plant kisses on every inch of his face. “Oh please, Mr. Rich, you know that I’ll do anything you ask!” she whined, getting on her withers and praying. “I’ll give you all the building contracts for the Equestria Game stadiums! I’ll deregulate so hard that you’ll drown in all the profits! I’ll take away the copyright of Zap Apple Jam and-“
“Um… Lyra?” Mayor Mare paused for a split-second and looked cautiously at the catatonic mare beside her. “Those aren’t yours to give-“
“I’ll kick Cheerilee out of the school and let you privatize the whole educational system! I’ll turn Rainbow Dash and those weathermares into employees of the Rich Foundation! I’ll open up the entire Everfree and let you build houses in it! I’ll-“
Oh, what in Tartaros! “I’ll ask Princess Celestia to award you with a Golden Silver Star!” Mayor Mare joined in, kneeling and clasping her hooves in penance. “I’ll let you patent the word ‘rich’! I’ll ask Twilight Sparkle to tutor Diamond Tiara personally! I’ll ask Princess Luna to serve as your personal dreamcatcher! I’ll ask Shining Armor to provide you with personal security! I’ll…“
All the while, Filthy Rich stood on his pedestal like a modern-day god, and snickered at the bawling mortals below. He would record these promises all right, and maybe one day present them with the checks that they had just sworn to cash in (that said, he didn’t need Twilight to tutor Diamond Tiara, just for his baby to get into Hayvard)… but then again, it wasn’t entirely fair to hold them up to their pledges. After all, for all the show he had put on, Filthy Rich was really only prepared to spend one million bits on political advocacy, and he had already decided to split the money evenly between the two candidates; that way at least, he could ensure that no matter who won the election, he’d still have his direct line to Town Hall…
Whoever said that the system was broken?
*
Golden Oaks Library, Ponyville
I really should stop seein’ Spike so much, Applejack thought as she trotted up the steps to where Twilight Sparkle and her dragon assistant were. I don’t particularly want him to develop a crush on me too…
The little dragon’s ‘thing’ for Rarity wasn’t exactly unknown amongst the circle of pony friends, and it wasn’t an uncommon topic of gossip during the idle days; Applejack had her share of cringes when she saw Rarity pretend to ignore Spike’s obvious fantasies, or tiphoof delicately to avoid hurting the little dragon’s feelings – what was it with Rarity, anyway? What was so impressive about that frou-frou unicorn that made Spike only like her? Last time Applejack counted, there were plenty of ponies around town who would gladly choose her over Rarity…
Whoa nelly! That went in entirely the wrong direction, the orange pony cautioned as she approached the duo, Spike faithfully holding a lamp while Twilight pored over a musty tome. “Erm, Spike, are you free to talk?” the orange pony asked, maneuvering herself into a position where she could see what Twilight was reading. “’How to Train Yourself to be a Loner’- land's sakes, Twilight, what in tarnation are you readin’ that for?”
“Ah!” Twilight yelped, startled, turning and narrowly missing her friend’s face as she did so. “Oh, AJ- it’s nothing, just a bit of reading that Princess Celestia told me to do...”
Applejack leafed over the pages disinterestedly. “Thought she told you to make friends,” she remarked.
“Well, yes… but then, she’s also preparing me for a larger role in Ponyville, so-“ Too late, Twilight’s eyes widened and she covered her mouth. “You did not hear that,” she whispered.
“Uhh…” The orange mare chuckled sheepishly. “Well, you know, it’s hard for me to lie if somepony asks… anyway. Spike, I want to talk to you,” she resumed, turning towards the curious dragon with a plastered smile on her face. “Y-you remember the time I saved your life, Spike? You know, against the Timberwolves?”
“It happened this morning,” Spike replied, surprised that Applejack had forgotten already.
“Uhh… yes, about that,” Applejack removed her hat and scratched her mane apologetically. “You see, I recall you sayin’ something about a ‘Dragon Code’ and ‘servin’ me forever’ and all that…”
“I thought we were even-steven,” Spike said, and shared a worried glance with Twilight.
“Um – heh – no, I don’t think we are even-steven,” came the response. “Or at least, we were even-steven… until I saved your life. Again. From Three. Timberwolves.”
“But didn’t I then save your-“ Spike stepped back, worried by this sudden turn of heart. All these calculations of even-stevenage were also starting to hurt his head. “Whatever. So what do you want, anyway?”
“Ha, erm, straight to the point; I like it.” Applejack was blushing furiously. “It’s not that difficult. I just need you to help clean up and reorganize Lyra Heartstrings' house, and help Bon Bon with all her sweets-”
“Hey!” Twilight interrupted, annoyed that Applejack was taking away her exclusive supply of free labor. “Just what do you think you’re doing?”
“C’mon, Twilight, I need to do somethin’ for the Mayor!” Applejack admitted, bringing hooves together and trying out her best pity-me face. “She’s tellin’ me that Filthy Rich’s promised her half a million bits if she would drive out all the farms in Ponyville!”
The unicorn raised an eyebrow and said nothing.
It would be a lie to say that the dragon felt pleased at this sudden turn of events, and the look on his face showed it in full. “Ah, fine,” he grumbled. “If it’s only for a single day, I guess I could-“
“Uh, no, that’s the first day,” Applejack continued, burning brighter than ever. “Next day, you have to do Lyra's groceries, then find a replacement lightbulb for her antique sconce, then cut out all the passages mentioning her in the Ponyville Express, then…”
Spike was already walking away, a dark cloud above his head. “I really need to learn how to make better Dragon Codes,” he groaned.
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Sounds like Lyra and the Mayor are just like Scott Walker.
Willing and able to suck Koch.
6457636 I think you mean, every single Republican except for Rubio and debatedly Christie. And Hillary Clinton may have to kiss up to the Kochs if she wants to keep them from sinking her chances. It happened with Obama, all the more reason why Bernie Sanders needs to force the Democratic party to adopt the repeal of Citizens United as part of its platform. Wall Street may not like it, but the average American will probably rally around the Democrats if they do, and those disgruntled voters may be the key to getting campaign reform into the limelight.
Come on Mayor Mare, show a little bit of spine, I expect this from Lyra she at least looks cute grovelling, but you need to do something else.
Gotta say, I love how Twilight is apparently becoming a Princess just so Celestia can offload Ponyville on her. 'How to Train Yourself to be a Loner' made me LOL.