My Little Pony: Bureaucracy is Politic

by swirlstar

S1E16: Sonic Rainboom

Season 1 Episode 16 - Sonic Rainboom

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

The Agenda:

1. Rainbow Dash's Entry into the 'Best Young Fliers' Competition [ ]

2. LONG TERM - Break the Power of the Apple Family [ ]

"Please, Mayor!" Rainbow Dash concluded her exhaustive argument. "This is the best chance I have of actually being with the Wonderbolts! You got to let me try, Mayor, please, please, pleeease!"

The Mayor, putting down her agenda, looked long and hard at Ponyville's chief weathermare. "You think you have your best chance, when - as you said yourself - you can't perform your winning move."

The cyan mare's lips trembled, painfully casting her doubts aside. "Please, Mayor Mare. Please. Just let me try."

Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon was right: Rainbow Dash did, indeed, seem desperate. Now the gray stallion's voice floated into the tan mare's mind. "Use this- " the gray stallion gleefully flipped open the law tome, "and let's see how determined she actually is for this competition. All in good jest, of course."

Mayor Mare retrieved her copy of the Constitutional Codex and placed it onto the table, opening it at the bookmarked page. "You see, Ms. Dash," the Mayor slid the leather-bound compendium across the table, "you can read it for yourself. The Competition Act, 457. Any pony, whosoever BOASTETH of great acts in his submission, and yet FAILETH to make good such acts in his competition, shall henceforth be MAROONED on some distant and BARBAROUS land."

"Umm... ok?" the prismatic mare wasn't too sure about what she had just read.

The bespectacled mare put her hoof to her face. "Ms. Dash, what it means is this: if you can't do the things you say you are going to do in the competition - like your Sonic Rainboom - then the Princess is legally allowed to banish you to some distant part of Equestria."

It took some time for the words to sink in. But once they did, Rainbow Dash's throat reacted with an audible gulp. "Wha- ? But Princess Celestia, she would... "

"The point is that she's allowed to," the Mayor reminded the weather mare sweetly.

A pause. Rainbow Dash's eyes widened in genuine terror, sweat emerging from her forehead.

Time to ask her again. "So you still want to go?"

The cyan pegasus considered her options. If I give up now, I might never have another shot at this... I've never given up before...

"Yes," the pegasus looked straight into her superior's eyes. "Yes. I need to do this. It's my only chance."

The tan pony smiled. I win ten bits! "Then good luck, Ms. Dash. I'll tell Ms. Airheart to sub for you while you're away. Do try and come back once you're done."

*

The Cabinet Room, Ponyville

The normally staid Secretary for Administration couldn't resist a muffled snigger when the Mayor relayed to him how Rainbow Dash had reacted. "Oh, that was a good one indeed, Mayor!"

Captain Delta Force, the Security Chief of Ponyville, also couldn't help but guffaw loudly. "Well, that pegasus sure has balls larger than her brain."

"Poor girl," the Mayor wiped off the tears of laughter from her eyes. "It's just not right treating her like that... but, I'm sorry, it was just so funny! I swear, Ms. Dash seriously thought that the Princess was going to send her to the Moon or something!"

"Well, as I said, at least she has balls," the Captain said.

"Sure, sure, of course." Now it was time for the bespectacled mare got back down to business. "Remind me to write a special letter to the Princess about that law. We don't want to lose our weathermare."

Crimson Ribbon jotted the command down in his personal notebook.

"In any case," the Mayor continued, putting on her best serious face, "While the whole thing with Ms. Dash was a good diversion, we still have important things to do. Like this thing with the Apples- "

"Sorry to interrupt, Mayor," the red stallion quickly interjected, hastily reverting to bureaucrat mode. "But don't you think that this obsession with the Apple family is getting a bit... out of hand?"

"No, because that's where I've stuck my electoral mandate on!"

"But I mean, can't you take on some other magnate? Maybe like Filthy Rich, or Fancy Pants?" The ex-soldier suggested.

Mayor Mare sighed in annoyance. "If I can't take down the Apple family - the weakest of all three established interests - how do you expect me to destroy the Richs or the Pants?" And plus, they donate to me.

"Well," Delta Force started. "Bit- I mean, the Finance Secretary once remarked, to me, that it was really easy to do ponies in for the simplest crimes. You know, like tax evasion and- "

The political mare latched on to the only word that mattered. "Crimes... crimes! Yes, why didn't I think of that before!" she clapped her hooves in glee. "That's what we can do! Find some evidence of wrongdoing within Sweet Apple Acres, Captain Force!"

The red stallion stopped dead in the middle of his monologue. "I was going to say that the Apples aren't like the others in that- "

"Find some evidence, Captain Force." the Mayor lowered her voice menacingly.

Crimson Ribbon felt that it was time for him to step him. "Ahem. With all due respect, Mayor," he reminded the gray-maned pony, "this does seem borderline unconstitutional. Captain Force here can't find something that isn't there."

Mayor Mare's expression changed into one of bewilderment. "Oh. Of course it was," she apologized. "What I meant was this: Captain Force, find some evidence, so long as it is obtained legally."

Of course the Security Chief knew what this language really meant. "What if I can't- "

"Captain Force, find me some evidence, so long as it's obtained legally." The Mayor menaced once again.

Out of options, the ex-soldier looked pleadingly at the Secretary for Administration for a way out.

"Very well put, Mayor. This seems more constitutional." Crimson Ribbon mercilessly dashed Delta Force's hopes.

*

Sweet Apple Acres, Ponyville

Do you want this job or not?

Those words repeated themselves, over and over again, within the Security Chief's mind as he and his team slowly trotted their way up the dirt road to the Acres.

If you don't, then turn back now: because if you want this job, defeat can no longer be an option. After all, if everything were to go wrong, Mayor Mare would surely blame all of it on her Security Chief. Did she not say that the evidence had to be collected legally? How was she to expect that her subordinates would become so... overzealous in their mission?

I wished the law would take implied orders into account, the red stallion sighed. "Hold up! We're at Sweet Apple Acres!"

And there it was: the wreathed entrance, the red barn, the well, the sounds of clucking and mooing. Here it was. Now do you want this job or not?

Being a Security Chief meant power and prestige...

Being a Security Chief meant a good wage and a better retirement...

Being a Security Chief meant command of a whole host of ponies, just like in the army...

But, being a Security Chief also meant that sometimes, you had to do certain things...

Yes. Yes, I want this job.

The red stallion checked the time. Just a bit after lunch. The scion of the Apple family - Big Mac - would be doing his chores. The wee one would still be at school. And that Ms. Applejack was in Cloudsdale. So only Granny Smith in the house. Good.

Taking a deep breath, Delta Force and his entourage of three police ponies walked up and knocked at the door.

"Who's there?" the creaky voice of Granny Smith replied.

"The Ponyville Police Department, Ma'am. Please open the door." The Security Chief prepared his badge.

The door opened, revealing a sickly-green old mare, wobbling unsteadily on her rusty walking frame. But looks can be deceiving.

Granny Smith's orange eyes shot daggers. "Now what y'all doin' here! We Apples have always been honest folk!" And to prove her point, she prepared her walking frame as a battering ram, primed and ready to inflict terrible carnage onto the government agents.

"Please calm down, Mrs. Apple," Delta Force calmly barged into Granny Smith, speaking in the most bureaucratic voice possible. "We have received an... anonymous tip regarding some... irregularities within Sweet Apple Acres. We are just here to follow this lead."

The matriarch was unconvinced. "And who's the feller who gave this anony-somethin' tip?"

"It's an anonymous tip, Ma'am; by definition, that means we cannot reveal who said it."

"Well then, you ain't gettin' in this here house if you ain't got no reason for bein' here!"

Time to turn the screws. "Junior, please." The Security Chief motioned for the police cadet to serve the search warrant. "Ma'am, we have a warrant to enter your house. Resistance is an offence under the Criminal Procedures Act 992."

"Y'all ain't gettin' no further in this darn house!" Granny Smith hollered, vainly trying to shove the well-built Security Chief out of her residence. "I'll be tellin' them reporters on you!"

"Ma'am!" The Security Chief barked. "If you continue to resist, I will have to arrest you!"

"Granny," a deep voice suddenly boomed in from the staircase. "We need to let them policeponies in."

Delta Force, first astonished, then despondent, silently cursed his terrible luck.

The green mare looked back towards the source of the noise. "Big Mac, they gon' search the house!"

"Ain't got nothin' to be ashamed of," the convalescing Big Mac responded. "Will have if we stop 'em."

Obediently, the matriarch gave way amid much grumbling and veiled threats. "Thank you, Ma'am," the red stallion kept up his stony appearance. "Now, if you can tell me where you keep your records, and your important stuff... "

"Records in the study. Important stuff in Gran's room." Clunk clunk clunk. Big Mac, his midriff bandaged - obviously some farming accident - appeared out of the staircase.

"Thank you, Sir. I believe we need only concern ourselves with the records. On Beat, Junior, keep guard outside the study door; Night Watch, please stay in the living room."

The Security Chief strode into the study. Piles and piles of paper, detailing every single aspect of Sweet Apple Acres, presented themselves to him. Now, what is going to be relevant here... Apple Trends. Tree Growth. Milk Production. Carrot Top Prices. Gopher Populations. Tax Payments. Rain-

Wait. Tax Payments.

Here we go. The Security Chief's heart sank as he slowly picked up the thick tome. But should I really be doing this? Should I really be trying to frame these ponies? I mean, they haven't done anything wrong, have they? Not intentionally, at least...

Well, you know what? His heart concluded his brainwork with steely determination. The Mayor made me do this. The Mayor ordered me, and she would have punished me if I didn't comply. Yes, the Mayor made me do all of this. I'm blameless.

*

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

"... but I won the Best Young Fliers Competition! I brought glory to Ponyville!" Rainbow Dash protested. "That lesson with the Wonderbolts was the prize for winning it!"

"Ms. Dash, you will be rewarded greatly for your success in the BYF," Mayor Mare rolled her eyes as she repeated the same words for the umpteenth time. "But, nevertheless, you did not turn up to work for a whole day yesterday."

"But I won!" The cyan mare seemed intent on making this argument truly unending. "That was the- "

"Your absence has harmed Ponyville," the Mayor asserted. "You know Ms. Airheart isn't that experienced in handling rainstorms by herself. Now the Beaver Nation is complaining that we're bursting their wooden dams with torrents of water. This means hundreds of timber logs in compensation. All because you forgot to include that one extra day in your vacation form."

"Urgh, spoilsports," Rainbow Dash muttered darkly as she prepared to capitulate. "Fine, fine: I'll work for a month with half pay."

"Thank you, Ms. Dash. You may go now. See you at the Victory Parade tomorrow."

Delta Force entered as Ms. Dash left dejectedly. "Ma'am, the Apple family tax ledger."

The Mayor eagerly received the book, flipping through it and scrutinizing the numerous facts and figures within it. "Done anything with it yet?"

"Ma'am," the Security Chief unleashed all his pent-up moral frustrations as gently as possible. "I really don't think doing the Apples in for tax evasion is going to net you many favors... "

"Nonsense." The gray-maned pony cut him off. "I mean, the part about me framing them. I don't need to go that far. They know what this might mean. I'll just wait for their reply."

"But Mayor," Delta Force tried one last, futile attempt at changing his superior's mind. "Aren't you assuming that the Apples will respond by negotiating with you?"

Author's Note:

[Particular Inspiration: 1) Laws that don't make much sense, such as 'No Whaling in Oklahoma'. 2) Watergate (as a background influence)]

Comments

[Seether00]

Well the Mayor just lost my vote. How hard could it be to dig up dirt on Filthy Rich? It's in his name for Celestia's sake!

[SuperPinkBrony12]

2527299 Yeah just reveal where he really was during Winter Wrap Up and tell him to put his money where his mouth is. Or tell Fancy Pants that he has no right to meddle in Ponyville affairs since he's not from Ponyville. The Apples are honest and respectable citizens and have never done anything wrong, plus Applejack is a national hero.

But this is politics, honesty doesn't mix well with it.

[fedback]

"See you at the Victory Parade tomorrow" hands down the best twofaced phrase EVER

[Themaskedferret]

A lot of goofy laws in the states can often be attributed to P.T. Barnum pulling weird stunts to drum up business for his circus. :)

[neobyzantium]

I don't like how Mayor Mare is picking on the Apples. They're good and honest ponies and so what if they're influential? They use their influence for good, to help Ponyville and its citizens. My only complaint about them is that they're too traditionalist but that's hardly a crime worthy of being persecuted for.