My Little Pony: Bureaucracy is Politic

by swirlstar

S3E8: Apple Family Reunion

Season 3 Episode 8 – Apple Family Reunion

Mayor Mare’s Office, Town Hall, Ponyville

The Agenda:
1. Approving the New Sweet Apple Acres Barn. [ ]
2. LONG TERM – Foster reconciliation in Ponyville. [ ]

“Pick one,” Mayor Mare said, leaning back and crossing her forelegs. “Go on, just pick one.”

Laid out on the table before the gray-maned mare, like assorted knick-knacks in a crafts festival (though with considerably less thought put into the layout), were the various memorabilia Mayor Mare had taken back from her presence at the Apple Family Reunion. Cards and blankets and little charm bracelets, a mini patchwork quill, and in the corner a jagged hunk of wood from the original Barn, having found meaning and value in its untimely end.

“Well you can pick two, if you want,” the tan pony clarified to Deputy Mayor Lyra Heartstrings. “Or three. Or four. Or all of them, really: I don’t want them.”

The lime-green pony regarded the display before her as if she was looking at a squashed bug. “Well, I don’t want them either,” she said, instinctively reaching out for the bruise on her left flank. “Where’s the food?”

“I called dibs on the food,” Mayor Mare replied curtly.

The Deputy Mayor grimaced. “Whoever made this is just plain stupid,” she opined, picking up and examining a creasy card haphazardly stamped with glitter and hoofprints. “Apples are good at apples, not arts and crafts. Stick to cooking and stop making me accept things I don’t want.”

“It’s all just part of Meet and Greet, Deputy Heartstrings; Meet and Greet – an eight-year-old gives you that card, you got no other choice but to accept it. I mean, that little foal’s going to be a potential voter in ten years’ time!”

Lyra cast an curious look at her political superior. “You don’t seriously think that you can remain in power for so long, Mayor?”

“Well, you don’t seem to know the basics of Meet and Greet yourself, so why not,” Mayor Mare gently ribbed, putting her hooves up on the desk. Relations between her and her Deputy might have become more cordial in recent times, but Lyra was still a political nemesis and the tan pony never lost sight of that. “The Apple family and their farmhooves form the largest electoral bloc in Ponyville, and their continued support is what has put me above you in the elections, multiple times.”

Lyra let the gaudy-looking card flutter down onto the table with a smirk. “That’s where you’re wrong, Mayor,” she declared. “It’s all about the money now; the cold, hard bits! With money you control the distribution of pork, pick the winners and losers of society; with money you can hold all the rallies you want, make the voters believe anything about your opponent… chasing after votes is passé now, Mayor - the bit is everything!”

Mayor Mare shrugged. “I didn’t say that it wasn't,” she said, wondering if Lyra had only just arrived at that ‘amazing’ conclusion. “The Apples also said they’d donate to my SuperBIT if I’d attend their reunion-”

Lyra almost did a double-take. “They did what?!” she sputtered.

“SuperBIT: Ballot Initiatives Taskforce. Fundraising! Seriously, Lyra, don’t tell me-“

“You began fundraising without telling me?!” Lyra exclaimed, eyes lighting up in sheer anger for the briefest of moments; she reconsidered, and immediately her orange irises began to tear up and tremble, resembling the eyes of a puppy in their earnestness. “But… but I thought we were working together!” she stammered weakly. “As a team! Facing down Canterlot and the overbearing Princesses!”

While it was inevitable that some version of this was going to happen, Mayor Mare was still rather shocked by the quality of the minty unicorn’s acting. “Well we are still doing that,” she said, trying to comfort her sniffling Deputy. “But the purpose of our coalition government was always reconciliation, and I think Ponyville’s wounds have healed enough now that we can go back to normal politics next term… there’s still things we’re going to do for these last few months, like competing for the Equestria Games… it’s only fundraising, anyway, and not the actual campaign…”

Lyra tried and failed to dab her eyes dry. “B-but… we…” she stammered and stuttered, words punctured and punctuated by a series of snorts and sniffs.

However reluctantly, Mayor Mare could feel Lyra’s little show start tugging at her heartstrings. The way she curled up sadly, tail scurrying between her hindlegs; the way her body shuddered and twitched at random moments, and her hairs trembling and drooping along with it; the way she pathetically pawed at her eyes and touched her muzzle, mouth half-open as she sobbed and hiccupped… it was almost as if Cheerilee herself was crying before the tan pony, like the day when she left for teaching college, or when…

“Hey, hey; don’t be so upset about this,” Mayor Mare rushed to Lyra’s side, motherly arm curled around the lime-green pony. “I-it’s only fundraising… and the Apples haven’t paid up yet… l-look, Lyra, look; you’ll be able to raise your money soon enough, I’m sure of it, and we’ll have a fair contest after that, alright? A fair, and gentle contest…”

*

Finance Secretary’s Office, Town Hall, Ponyville

“From now on, you’ll be working on my command.”

Five minutes later saw Lyra Heartstrings pacing round and round Finance Secretary Bit Coin’s office. The tears had easily been wiped away; the stutter and the shuddering disappeared as fast as they came. Now the minty-green unicorn was scowling and foul-tempered, and her eyes burned with an incandescent rage.

“She screwed me over. The Mayor screwed me over. Me!” the unicorn muttered darkly, stamping her hoof with every furious outburst. “How… how dare she start fundraising before I’ve secured my bankroller!”

The timid chestnut pony started and curled back with each stomp, recoiling from the Deputy Mayor and begging for all this to end as quickly as possible. “W-w-well technically th-the Mayor didn’t ask them,” she squeaked out. “Th-they asked her to attend…”

“So that just proves that the Apples are in cahoots with the Mayor, trying to pervert legitimate democratic processes,” Lyra snarled. “How dare they try and corrupt Ponyville’s government with their thousands of bits! No, I won’t let it; I won’t let it." She repeated the mantra again and again, an increasing mania in her voice. “I won’t, I won’t…”

Lyra was spiraling into smaller and smaller circles, walking faster and faster when suddenly she stopped on a dime, and she looked straight at Bit Coin, fiery eyes piercing into the chestnut mare’s very soul. She took a deep breath in, held it, and slowly exhaled, mimicking those age-old yoga rituals that were all the rage within the circles of the elite.

"Ponyville is heading towards disaster, and only I can save it,” she finally breathed, as if ready to embark on a legendary quest of her own. “The fates of all the poor ponies in this town depend on me. I need to do something, now – and you need to help me do it,” she concluded, gazing sternly at the chestnut pony shrinking ever-further into her chair.

Lyra had cried not a few minutes ago; now Bit Coin was on the verge of breaking down herself. “W-why?” the Finance Secretary pleaded.

“Because if you don’t, I’ll tell Ponyville what you’re doing with Delta Force...”

The chestnut mare gulped pitiably, finding whatever shred of courage she had slipping away from her. The bureaucrat was never somepony to stand firm in the face of strong pressure, the temptation of compromise and the fear of public shame always overcoming resistance at the point of decision. “W-what do you... need me to d-do?” she finally gasped.

“Nothing, really,” Lyra said nonchalantly, and began pacing around again: her gait was however more measured, more steady; it was the pace of somepony who possessed a plan and a strategy, no matter the broad strokes in which it was conceived; the desperate and caught-off-guard anger that had consumed her earlier slunk back into its lair. “For the moment, you can continue as normal. But I want to receive copies of whatever the Mayor is sending or ordering your way… and when push comes to shove, I need your guarantee that you will listen to me, rather than to her.”

Bit Coin let out the breath that she had been holding in all this time. The terms were much lighter than what she was expecting, and she supposed that retrospectively justified her lack of nerve. Still, the stress it engendered was not ideal – she should really ask Delta’s wife to buy more of that mane-cream Bit Coin herself used whenever she stayed over for the night... “Um, yeah, I can do that,” the chestnut pony mumbled after a brief consideration.

“Good! Now I hold the money levers in Ponyville – and everypony will soon know that I pay for support,” Lyra schemed, twisting her face into a grin so evil that thunderclouds were gathering on the far horizon. “Now, just to contact Filthy Rich and persuade him to donate money to my SuperBIT…”

Bit Coin wiggled her ears. “I thought you wanted to restore legitimate democratic processes?” Whatever that means.

“Yes, and I’m going to restore it by drowning Mayor Mare’s campaign in a flood of cash!” Lyra snapped, irritated that the mare’s mewlings were cutting into her precious thought-time. “The rich have a right to speak out against bad policies too, you know!”

*

Audience Hall, Canterlot Castle, Canterlot

The tea flowed freely into the china cups, a particularly rare brew from the mysterious East known as the Silver Spirit. Obtained through a tortuous process of pressing, drying, and repeated magical infusion, the drink was so-named because of its ability to induce an ambrosia-like effect in its subject - for days one would feel younger and healthier, though physically the body remained the same; indeed, the earliest ponies to happen upon the brew were often so intoxicated by it that they would exert themselves far beyond what they were supposed to, and suffer horrible injuries in the process. The point was that the Silver Spirit was an uncommon and cherished drink, and whatever it was that convinced the Princesses to break out their meager stocks must have been very important indeed.

"You must realize that we do not enlist your services lightly," Princess Celestia began, cautiously sipping from her cup to ensure a suitable dilution. "A few days ago, we commissioned a poll to see what your subordinates thought of you, and the three most common words that popped up were 'slimy', 'arrogant' and 'condescending'."

"That, and the fact that the public barely knows who you are at all," Princess Luna added, face so serious it might as well have been chiseled out of granite.

"But we have no choice. We have cajoled, promised, nagged and begged; we have tolerated your outlandish antics, and have even tried offering great rewards to your frankly-insignificant town... nothing has worked," the white alicorn explained, voice wispy in exasperation. "Ponyville's politics remain as aggravating and chaotic as ever."

"I probably will never understand why that town generates so much noise in comparison to its size and importance," Princess Luna opined.

"And now your town seeks to challenge the royal prerogative - a tendency that, no doubt, will only escalate as election season nears and both of your 'leaders' start slinging mud at each other," Celestia huffed, nostrils flaring in clear displeasure. "We feel that a line must be drawn in the sand, and that the liberties that you have claimed for yourself must be returned. Most importantly, we feel that this beast that is Ponyville must finally be made to bow its head, and a leash put around its neck."

The Princess of the Night nodded in agreement. "Your town must be made to see sense. Ideally we would trust all of our subjects to police themselves, but clearly in Ponyville's case this is an empty hope - especially if what the Finance Secretary says is true."

"This is where you come in," Celestia said, getting to the crux of her plea. "Originally, we had intended a more... gradual induction into power for Twilight Sparkle, notwithstanding her wading around in legislative politics last term, but I highly doubt that I - not to mention my sister - can stand another round of Ponyville elections. So we shall be cutting the season short and placing our own solution at the top of the government, instead."

"Under no circumstances are you to divulge this information to the Mayors," Princess Luna warned, eyes flashing dangerously. "I warn you that there are greater gods on this earth than the municipal Town Hall - though judging by the amount of disasters Ponyville gets, I doubt we can inflict much more punishment on the sinners."

"You will not fail us, Mr. Secretary." Princess Celestia set down her crockery and stared directly, earnestly at her interlocutor. "We know what you are capable of - certainly you have shown greater perceptiveness than many of your fellow Old Colts from Oatsford, many of whom now languish in Canterlot far, far away from their place in the Sun. What we ask of you is not beyond your capabilities."

"We only ask that you silently prepare Twilight Sparkle for her responsibilities ahead," Princess Luna clarified. "Guide her in the nitty-gritty of municipal administration as best as you can, and keep her safe from the machinations of Mayor Mare and Deputy Mayor Heartstrings. Once she settles in, we expect the political environment to give her little trouble: she is a smart filly, and will be able to handle everything that comes her way."

"If you have any questions about this, you'd better ask them immediately," Princess Celestia urged, betraying a little of her nervousness in the haste to get the whole thing over and done with.

On the other side of the table sat Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon, calm as though the meeting were just a tea with his parents. He picked up his untasted cup oh-so-slowly, twirling it slightly in his hoof, before he lifted it to his mouth and savored the flavors.

Princess Celestia and Luna leant in, eyes wide, and held their breath, as if they half-expected the gray stallion to keel over and die from the mixture. The tension in the air was palpable.

"Just one question," the gray stallion asked as he guided his china cup into the indentation of its saucer with a delicate, deliberate clink. "Do you actually intend for Ponyville to host the Equestria Games?"

Author's Note:

[Particular inspiration: bit sparse in this episode, but 1) Lyra's 'discovery' relates to the broad sweep of US campaign financing: Super PACs, the search for 'sugar daddy' donors to bankroll campaigns, and the talking-point that mega-donations count as free speech; 2) controlling the budgetary levers makes for a very powerful position, which is why the Finance Minister is almost always No.2 in most parliamentary governments; 3) Celestia and Luna's plot partly mirrors the the way Chinese officials make connections with all major officials in the Hong Kong government (and not just the Mayor), so as to use the bureaucracy to restrain particularly undesirable elected officials.]

Comments

[Seether00]

When Twilight gets wings, both Lyra and Mayor are gonna lose all authority

[SuperPinkBrony12]

This reminds me of why Citizens United is such a bad idea. When you allow for anyone to contribute however much money they want to an election, it no longer becomes about issues. It all becomes a matter of, who can buy the most candidates, and who can throw the most money around. It is the exact opposite of Freedom of Speech, because it limits what message the politicans can spread, to only the message their supporters approve of.

[Shogoki]

And that's how princesses are made!