My Little Pony: Bureaucracy is Politic

by swirlstar

S1E15: Feeling Pinkie Keen

Season 1 Episode 15 - Feeling Pinkie Keen

The Mayor's Office, Ponyville

The Agenda:

1. Hydra at Foggy Bottom Bog [ ]

2. Sparkle v. Ponyville Moving Company [ ]

3. Change in the Chairponyship of the Ponyville Small Business Association [ ]

4. LONG TERM - Break the Power of the Apple Family [ ]

"Miss Rarity," the Mayor looked up from her piece of paper. "I thought I had already shown you how to delegate your responsibilities to the Association Deputies. Was there something else that was the matter?"

The white unicorn shook her head. "No, Mayor... I followed your advice and, I have to say, it was very much appreciated. But I'm afraid this upcoming court case between Twilight Sparkle and the Ponyville Moving Company is going to put me in an untenable position... "

"Of course," Mayor Mare had to agree. After all, the Ponyville Enterprise Association was meant to protect the interests of small businesses. Being a chairpony who was clearly biased in favor of the plaintiff was hardly going to do Rarity any favors. "But still, with this resignation, you're going to make the record books, Miss Rarity. Shortest tenure ever."

"Oh, I don't really mind that, I guess," the fashion pony waved such concerns aside. "And it's a shame, for sure, but I think I would do less damage to the PEA, if I stepped down before this case develops any further."

"Right. And do you have any plans with regards to who succeeds you as chairpony?"

The white pony mulled it over for a while. "Well, I was thinking of another election- "

"Miss Rarity," the Mayor hastily said, knowing full well that an election would result in the ascension of bitter rival Lyra Heartstrings. "Elections are time-consuming and expensive."

"True, that. Perhaps I will just hand the seat over to my deputy, then. He's been doing all the real work, anyway."

"All right," the Mayor made a mental note to meet this new deputy later. "Thank you for informing me, Miss Rarity. I'm sure the PEA will be sad to see you go."

*

Rarity left and Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon appeared in her stead. "So: about this Hydra," the gray stallion began.

"Forget it," the Mayor said dismissively.

The gray stallion prodded his superior on. "This might be a security risk, Mayor."

"Seriously?" the Mayor asked casually. "It's Froggy Bottom Bog. It's in the middle of the Everfree Forest. No Hydra's going to think about coming all the way here."

"It's your head if one does."

"Well, it's my head if it does," Mayor Mare answered, picking up her half-read copy of the Ponyville Express. "And it's my head if it doesn't. Ponies complaining about how their tax bills are being used to fund the militia and the killing of native species. That's how it always is," the Mayor zeroed in on the story about Twilight's lawsuit. "Just best to pretend the danger doesn't exist, and apply for the Emergency Fund if it does."

"As you wish, Ma'am." The gray stallion had little taste for the militia life, himself. "Just making sure you've thought of all the implications before- "

"I bet you ten bits there won't be any implications," Mayor Mare poked her head over the broadsheet. "Everypony in town's been talking about this lawsuit. They won't care about some stupid monster in the middle of I-Don't-Care-Land."

"You mean the one between Twilight Sparkle and the Ponyville Moving Company, eh?" the gray stallion said. "Interesting, that. We haven't had a decent lawsuit ever since you got elected."

"Yeah, and before me you guys just kept on being sued," Mayor Mare chuckled, reminiscing about those marvelous few days - for gossip, anyway - when the Mayor Fields administration imploded amid a wave of scandal. "Hopefully my term's going to have a better ending."

Crimson Ribbon returned a mysterious smile. "It seems that you're having a good day today, Mayor."

"Of course," the Mayor was busy poring over the preliminary details of the lawsuit. "No work, no problems, no stress. Life's a dream. Oh, by the way, are you going to the pre-trial this afternoon?"

"Alas, Ma'am," the gray stallion replied, not without some faint air of superiority, "I need to attend to some other matters of my own."

"Ah, shame, Mr. Ribbon," the Mayor continued reading the paper. "I'm sure it's going to be a real blast!"

*

The 'Duke of Mane' Restaurant, Ponyville

"Fancy seeing you here, Mayor!" Crimson Ribbon walked over to where Mayor Mare and Cheerilee were eating. "So, how was the pre-trial hearing?"

Out of the corner of his eye, the gray stallion saw Cheerilee cast an uneasy glance at the bespectacled mare.

The tan mare paused before responding in a deathly whisper. "Please take a seat, Mr. Ribbon."

"Gladly." The concerned bureaucrat took his place at the table. "Perhaps a glass of water, waiter?"

Mayor Mare was looking awfully menacing tonight. "Mr. Ribbon, do you know, out of all the thousands of ponies Twilight could have sued - of all the hundreds of ponies that work in the Ponyville Moving Company - do you know who she sued?"

"Filthy Rich?" Crimson Ribbon took a stab in the dark.

"No! Of all the ponies she could have sued, Twilight decided to sue a wall-eyed mare."

The gray stallion knew what this meant. "Oh. Oh my."

"Well," Cheerilee tried to clarify. "Twilight's didn't sue Derpy specifically. She just happens to be one of the defendants- "

"I know, I know!" Mayor Mare was on a short fuse today. "Same thing!"

The violet mare had a confused look on her face. "What's the big deal, anyway?"

"Well, Ms. Cheerilee," Crimson Ribbon elucidated. "Wall-eyed ponies fall under the purview of the Equal Opportunities Commission. And when something like this happens, it usually means one of three outcomes: A) We get sued for granting her work in the first place; B) We get sued for causing her emotional distress due to the lawsuit; C) We get sued for trying to carry out the judge's punishments. The Princess' plan to thoroughly integrate ponies with, ahem, 'minor inconveniences' into society, you see."

"I still don't get it." the elementary teacher scratched her head. "The lawsuit doesn't concern the government. They should sue Twilight, if anything."

"Well," the bureaucrat shrugged. "The Princess decreed that discrimination in the private sector also has to be the responsibility of the government. Says it gives us incentive to crack down on it."

"Urgh," Mayor Mare groaned audibly, drawing a few angry stares from other diners nearby. "Just one thing... one thing that I'm looking forward to... and it has to bite me in the flank!"

"We could always mediate," the gray stallion suggested.

"Yeah, mediate," the Mayor noted sarcastically. "Like they'll agree to anything, knowing that we're on the ropes."

"It might work, Mayor." The Secretary for Administration was insistent. "Nothing beats a little trying. Dare I suggest a brief stop at the Library?"

*

Ponyville Library, Ponyville

"That can't be true," a skeptical Twilight Sparkle scratched her head in bewilderment. "That's just stupid. They can't sue you because of what I did!"

"Ah, but it is, Ms. Sparkle," Crimson Ribbon threw his hooves up. "The peculiarities of the law are manifold."

"But that just- " the bookish mare waved her forelegs around in frustration. "You know what? I'll just take your word for it. There are just some things in the world my mind wasn't made to handle."

Mayor Mare stayed put in one corner, silently stewing in her own angry thoughts.

The purple mare continued. "Actually, now that I think about it, it does seem like this lawsuit was a bit stupid. I mean, since Pinkie Pie knew beforehand that Derpy was going to drop all that stuff on me, surely that would mean that the Company didn't have a choice in the matter, did they? So it doesn't seem like I can blame anypony for this... "

"Indeed, Ms. Sparkle - wait, 'knew beforehand'?" the gray stallion's mind came to a screeching halt.

"Yeah," the magical pony said. "Pinkie Pie and her 'Pinkie Sense' - she kind of predicted it while I was observing her. Don't ask me how she does it, though." Twilight's thoughts were focused on other matters. "Well... I thought I could have helped the Princess recoup some of the medical bills... but if I'm actually doing more harm here... alright, Mr. Ribbon, I'll withdraw my lawsuit as soon as I can. Thanks for telling me- "

Mayor Mare's ears pricked up at the same time as Crimson Ribbon's eyes widened in horror. "No no no, don't do that!" the stallion briskly beseeched.

"Don't- what? Why not!" the tan mare galloped up to her subordinate a fit of pique. "Don't tell me you're helping them!"

"No, no, Mayor!" Crimson Ribbon clarified his position."The point here is that we have to reach an agreement with the Ponyville Moving Company! If Ms. Sparkle here unilaterally withdraws, the EOC can still claim that there are 'unresolved issues' that need to be solved!"

"Mr. Ribbon, surely you're being a bit too... paranoid?" the purple pony couldn't resist a comment.

"Ms. Sparkle, in government it is always better to err on the side of caution." The bureaucrat busied himself with calming the Mayor down. "Continuing on from our previous conversation: therefore, would it be possible for you to attend a meeting with the teamsters tomorrow?"

*

The Cabinet Room, Ponyville

The look on the stocky, unshaven stallion's face said it all. "No."

"Mr. Hoofa," Crimson Ribbon was negotiating in lieu of the Mayor, who, in any case, might have been more of a liability. "I have to insist. There is really nothing to be gained from this... persistence. For both of us."

"I apologize again, Mr. Hoofa," Twilight Sparkle chimed in. "I wasn't thinking properly. I really didn't know what I was doing... "

"The EOC have decided to back us to the hilt," the teamster cut the magical pony off. "That was a very bad thing you did, ganging up on poor Ms. Hooves like that."

The unicorn's head lowered, realizing that she could no longer do anything to stop the inevitable. Crimson Ribbon, by contrast, was keeping his cool, continuing to face down the stocky stallion opposite him. Maybe government officials just don't have any emotions.

"Mr. Ribbon," the teamster growled menacingly. "Your government has been very hard on us lately - and our only crime has been to employ some poor pony with a... um... less than complete eyesight. How could you have possibly let Ms. Sparkle's lawsuit go through?"

Crimson Ribbon held his fire, patiently waiting for Mr. Hoofa to expose his baseline.

"I want the Ponyville Moving Company to have a permanent contract with the Ponyville Government," the teamster laid down his terms. "And I want you to convince, let's say, convince the Ponyville Removal Company to... take a long holiday... someplace else."

Politically unacceptable terms. The gray stallion responded by sinking deep into thought, seemingly paining over the possible backlash these terms could engender for the administration. Mr. Hoofa leant forward, eagerly anticipating that crucial, magical word.

"No." Crimson Ribbon stared determinedly into his opponent's eyes. "You'll be happy with just getting off scot-free."

The stocky teamster, thus spurned, resisted the instinctive urge to punch this weedy official. "Fine. Prepare to get your flanks handed to you by both the EOC and the Princess."

A more inexperienced bureaucrat might have buckled at this point; but, not for the first time, the gray stallion retorted with his smile of victory. "I believe, Mr. Hoofa, that it's your flank that will be handed to you. Ms. Sparkle?"

"Yes?" A puzzled Twilight turned towards the bureaucrat. "Can I help here?"

"Ms. Sparkle, you mentioned that Ms. Pinkie Pie predicted this accident before it actually occurred, didn't she?"

The mare's eyes slowly enlarged in dim realization. "Uh, yes. She'll remember it. Oh, and Spike was there too!"

"Of course," Crimson Ribbon remarked. "So you see, Mr. Hoofa, since it's clearly scientifically impossible for Ms. Pie to predict the future- " Twilight decided to suppress her momentary objections- "the only rational explanation is that the Company planned this."

The tables were turned so dramatically one could almost hear the sound of woodwork being arranged. "What!?" the bewildered teamster bellowed in amazement, suddenly forced to find a way out. "Wait... wait... Pinkie Pie and Spike are Ms. Sparkle's friends! Of course they're going to say that!"

Blast! Who knew this oaf could even... well, let's see if the unicorn here is all she's cracked up to be... "Ms. Sparkle, if I recall the circumstances correctly, the incident occurred near Ms. Applejack's barn. Was Ms. Applejack there?"

"Yes," the bookish pony responded, "But she- "

"And Ms. Applejack is the Bearer of the Element of Honesty, if I recall?" Crimson Ribbon rapidly moved to stop Twilight revealing his bluff.

"Yes, she is, but- "

"Thank you, Ms. Sparkle." The bureaucrat turned his killer gaze to the teamster, now positively shaking with anger - or was that fear? "Mr. Hoofa, you know the Princess takes a very dim view against violence."

The stocky pony, all so confident only moments before, was now at a loss for words.

"Premeditated assault - and in front of three other witnesses, too," the bureaucrat cooed. "Very bad for business, I would say."

"Uhh... " Mr. Hoofa stuttered, trying, in vain, to find a way out that didn't involve capitulation.

"I'm not sure whether the EOC's purview extends to that of would-be murderers- "

"Alright, alright!" the teamster gave up before the costs of peace rose any higher. "Ahem. Now that we're done with introductions, let's start the mediation... "

Author's Note:

[Particular Inspiration: 1) The 'Inconsistent triad' in philosophy: A) We have free will, B) Events are determined (or can be predicted), C) Free will and causation are incompatible. The three points cannot logically coexist, but such a situation will leave us with little room to assign moral responsibility.]

Comments

[silvadel]

Good one. Twilight sparkle got a real taste of what government is like. She will be able to eat anything else without retching in about two weeks.

[SuperPinkBrony12]

I still don't see why Twilight couldn't have just dropped the lawsuit and left the company alone. Derpy never meant to do anything to Twilight and the company certainly didn't plan anything.

At least Rarity had the guts to leave a jkb she really couldn't handle and gave the job to someone who knew what they were doing.

[swirlstar]

2517573 The plot was a bit strange and forced from the human perspective, I give you that.
Basically, the reasoning goes like this:

1) Equestrian law makes it the job of the government to prevent all discrimination, whether public or private. Offenders will get sued by the EOC.
2) Because Twilight sued the company, EOC can counter-sue the government for causing 'emotional distress' or some such to Derpy.
3) If Twilight withdraws the lawsuit, that would still give the EOC ground to sue the government, because the 'emotional distress' has been done, and no compensation has been made.
4) Only through mediation (in which one would expect the issue of 'emotional distress' to be properly addressed and compensated for) can the EOC's rationale be removed.

Basically, it's a stupid law from our perspective, because that would mean the government would be sued for almost everything, but then again, Equestria is a utopian society of sorts.

2517707 Maybe it was an accident. Or maybe it was Pinkie Pie. I'm not sure why they had to take furniture out in the middle of the sky either.

[Seether00]

It's still the company's fault. Why were there moving heavy objects in the sky above pedestrians?

[Shogoki]

I thought medical care in Equestrian was free, given that RD discharge consisted on just kicking her out of the hospital and the general Utopian nature of Equestria. I guess the bills still have to be paid somehow but don't see individuals worrying about it.

[swirlstar]

2708354 Well, I guess you could say either that A) medical care in Equestria was free up to a point, or B) there's some form of medical insurance involved, or C) Twilight is suing the Ponyville Moving Company for 'disruption to studies' or something like that...