My Little Pony: Bureaucracy is Politic

by swirlstar

S3E7: Wonderbolts Academy

S3E7: Wonderbolts Academy

Mayor Mare’s Office, Town Hall, Ponyville

The Agenda:
1. Special meeting re: allegations of cadet abuse. [ ]
2. LONG TERM – Foster reconciliation in Ponyville. [ ]

The minty-green pegasus before the Mayor talked up a good story: sad tales of abuse and of neglect, ignorance and willful misinformation, all rolling off her tongue like a raging waterfall. During her tenure at the Academy, Spitfire had deliberately fostered a culture of excessive risk, giving only the most minimal thought to the well-being of the cadets, and individual leaders – especially a certain Rainbow Dash – had thus become actively reckless in their hazing.

All these allegations piled up and loomed over the horizon, but Mayor Mare’s attentions remained firmly focused on the one critical issue before her. And as Lightning Dust continued to talk about how Spitfire’s capricious reign meant that cadets were promoted or stripped of rank based on whim, the tan pony’s laser-like focus could not help but zoom in on the thing that mattered most: her interlocutor’s golden-yellow hair, twitching and bobbing with emotion whenever its mistress came across a particularly salient point. To be honest, the entire structure looked rather like a poorly-colored jungle plant, a toupee made from twisting vine-leaves and a large banana palm… actually, from another angle it now looked like the backside of a fox, and for a split-second Mayor Mare leant away, as if fearing that the hair would suddenly bare teeth and leap at her-

“What is with that hair?” the politician couldn’t help but wonder, aloud.

“And also- w-what?” Lightning Dust was suddenly thrown off guard, and her hoof instinctively darted upwards, unsteadily petting at the mane. “I-it’s natural!”

For a few seconds an awkward, awkward silence consumed the stately room.

“Ahem.” Deputy Mayor Lyra Heartstrings cleared her throat, glaring daggers at her embarrassed boss. “Anyway, Miss Dust… yes, your allegations… obviously Ponyville residents have enrolled in the Wonderbolts Academy, so that gives us the right to conduct an investigation – if the situation is a bad as you say it is, we will of course take action… anyway!” The lime-green unicorn got up and began ushering the pegasus out of the room. “Thank you once again for bringing this issue to our attention, and we’ll make sure that all those affected by this heinous crime will see justice served…”

“Yes, Mayors, please do something about those poor, poor ponies trapped in that place before-“ Lightning Dust managed to eke out before the door slammed in her face.

Lyra returned to Mayor Mare. “Spending too much time with Berry Punch, Mayor?” she quipped sarcastically.

“Don’t tell me you didn’t look at the hair.”

“Well of course I did… then again, Bon doesn’t have the most conventional hairstyle,” the Deputy Mayor replied, cautiously brushing over her own crop. “But to business. Mayor: this is a great opportunity for the both of us - we’ll finally be able to do what we’ve always wanted!”

Mayor Mare adjusted her glasses and cautiously examined the suddenly-bubbly pony before her. “By that, you mean establishing democratic oversight over the most secretive section of the Guard, and demonstrating to Equestria that no organization can operate above the law?”

“No, you dingus! This means we’ll finally be able to get rid of Rainbow Dash!” Lyra announced happily, rubbing her hooves together in glee. “Unlawful assault, dangerous flying and gross misconduct, oh my!...”

The tan pony raised an eyebrow as she watched the lime-green unicorn do a little jig across the room, light fixtures swaying with every jolly hop. “Sounds like using the Elements of Harmony to crack a nut,” she began cautiously, guiltily conscious of the rain she was bringing to the parade. “Her Highnesses will already be mighty annoyed that we’re humiliating their elite guard…”

“And that’s where the genius of my plan comes in,” Lyra boasted. “We’ll go through all the window-dressings of an official inquiry – summoning witnesses, weighing up evidence, and so on, and we’ll get credit for standing up for the rights of Ponyville citizens. But at the end of it all, we’ll publish the report that we’ve always wanted to publish, which is to switch out the allegations of systemic mismanagement within the Academy, and instead blame it all on the single bad seed known as Rainbow Dash. So Ponyville citizens get their circus, the Wonderbolts don’t have to admit guilt, and we get to fire our troublesome weathermare. Perfect!” The lime-green unicorn gloated with a twisted grin.

Mayor Mare chewed on a pencil-rubber and thought. It certainly seemed like a win-win situation, on paper – few drawbacks, much profit, and seemingly little hassle (inquiry sessions being the perfect getaway from the pressures of work) – so why was she getting that tingling, alarming feeling within her head? Was there something that her political sixth sense knew, and she didn’t?

“Ms. Heartstrings, I’m not so sure…”

“Urgh!” Lyra huffed, rolling her eyes in typical teenage fashion. “We won’t get anywhere with Rainbow Dash unless we start thinking new, Mayor! That mare is literally unfire-able through conventional means –how are we ever going to bring the bureaucracy to heel if this one weathermare continues to defy our political power?”

The tan pony uneasily adjusted her glasses again. “It’s not that, Deputy Mayor… it’s just the feeling I have that we’ve missed a step somewhere…”

“Look, Mayor: if you don’t have the guts to deal with this, I can handle the pressure myself. I’m already in charge of Land and Cultural Services; I’ll be more than happy to take Justice too,” Lyra said confidently. “Let me stare down the Princesses, and I'll keep you far, far away from the firing line!”

*

Outside Meeting Room 1, Town Hall, Ponyville

To the Mayor and Deputy Mayor of the Ponyville Government:

I understand that you have requested my presence at a hearing over recent allegations that have surfaced with regards to our training regimen at the Wonderbolts Academy. I sincerely and absolutely appreciate the concerns that many citizens of your town have had regarding this issue, especially in recent days. As such. I will attend the hearing and intend to make a full account of myself and the organization, to the satisfaction of the Ponyville Government.

Regards,
Sgt. Spitfire, Wonderbolts Academy

“Don’t try to hide behind that letter,” came a seething, grating voice that Mayor Mare knew too well.

Obediently the tan pony lowered her papery shield, and came face-to-face with a very unamused, very glaring Twilight Sparkle.

“This is another one of your tricks to get Rainbow Dash fired, isn’t it?” the purple unicorn growled angrily, red blushes welling within her cheeks. “Why can’t you or Lyra just leave her alone?”

Looking at Twilight’s basilisk gaze reminded Mayor Mare of one of the more ludicrous rumors about the town egghead being able to read minds – she didn’t believe a word of it, but emptied her brain of content just to be safe nonetheless. Silence is golden; silence is golden… unfortunately, that also produced a gormless look that did nothing to assuage the concerns of the magical prodigy.

Twilight took silence as assent and her face darkened a shade. “Is there something about Rainbow Dash that makes you hate her so much? What, is she doing no work? Are her wages ludicrously expensive? Does she take the whole year off and put it down as sick leave? Come on, say something!” the unicorn said in frustration. “Give me a reason so I can at least tell her what she needs to do-”

“Oh! Ms. Spitfire!” Mayor Mare abruptly shouted, catching a glimpse of the Wonderbolt’s fiery-orange mane and immediately glomping on it like a branch hanging over raging waters. “So glad that you could make it to this hearing… I hope the train journey wasn’t too bad…”

The yellow pegasus glanced quizzically at this tan pony, who had suddenly pounced out from nowhere and was now wagging her tongue like some long-lost pet. “Are we supposed to talk before the actual Inquiry, Mayor?” she asked uneasily.

“Oh! Protocol’s so much more lax here than in the big cities, Ms. Spitfire- Sergeant Spitfire, sorry,” the gray-maned mare corrected, attempting to lead her interlocutor into the far corner of the room. She looked up at Twilight; the purple unicorn was still as un-understanding as ever.

Talk to you later, Mayor Mare mouthed cheekily.

“I-it’s Captain Spitfire, technically…” The normally-unflappable Wonderbolt was not sure what to make of this unexpected hospitality; she tried to tug her leg away from the Mayor’s surprisingly firm grasp. “Look, Mayor, I’m not very comfortable with this-“

“Captain,” Mayor Mare interrupted, voice suddenly serious. They were now obscured from broader view by a leafy pot plant. “Captain, I just want you to be sure of this: the Ponyville Government isn’t out to extract a price from the Wonderbolts; we’re not looking for your head on a platter. We don’t intend to allege some massive, systemic flaw in the Wonderbolts Academy – we’ll conclude that it’s the work of a certain bad seed and leave it at that.”

If this plan is to succeed, we have to make sure that Spitfire knows she’s not the real target of our Inquiry. We won’t be able to nail Rainbow Dash if Spitfire gets blamed for everything!

It took a few seconds for Spitfire to digest the news, and her eyebrows arched upwards accordingly. “You’ve already decided what the conclusion of the Inquiry is before I’ve even spoken?”

“Yes,” Mayor Mare replied earnestly. “Humiliating the Wonderbolts will not do us - nor the Princesses - any favors.”

Eyebrows arched even higher, and Spitfire’s muzzle tilted ever-so-slightly upwards. “I see,” she said, voice regaining its steadiness. “Well, this was unexpected… I’ll, uh, know what to do,” the yellow pegasus continued, forcing herself past Mayor Mare and out into the open, where she hastily approached the double-doors. “Please tell Chairpony Heartstrings that I’ve arrived,” she told an attendant bureaucrat.

Ding-ding, ding-ding… the ringing of the hoof-bell signaled convocation for the Heartstrings Inquiry into Allegations Regarding the Practices of the Wonderbolt Academy. And as the doors swung open to let defendant, press and public inside, Lyra already positioned center-stage like a Queen or a deity of old, Mayor Mare could not help but think about the exchange that had just occurred between her and Spitfire, and how odd and unnatural it all seemed from her perspective.

*

Sugarcube Corner, Ponyville

“Dear Ms. Chairpony: as I have written in my public response to your letter, I have come, in my position as Sergeant of the Wonderbolt Academy, to make a full account of the operations of the Academy, especially with regards to the most recent training season and in response to allegations concerning hazing and excessive risk during that season. The Academy has conducted an internal investigation into the issue, and I regret to inform you that it has indeed revealed serious and systemic defects in the structure of the current system that have given rise to such allegations. This is a failure on the Academy’s part and it has damaged public trust in the Wonderbolts organization – as the head of the Academy, I take full responsibility for what has happened under my watch. I am therefore announcing my resignation from all administrative positions in the Academy, and will return to regular duties as a member of the aerial flying team...”

“I told you to talk to Spitfire,” Lyra Heartstrings groused gloomily as she slurped on her third milkshake of the session – a surefire indication of a very unhappy unicorn.

“I did!” Mayor Mare protested. “She looked at me like I was from the Moon, and then proceeded not to do what I told her to do.”

Lyra hoovered up the fluffy remnants at the bottom of the glass and motioned for Mrs. Cake to bring on another round. “Damn military ponies,” she grumbled. “Always thinking they’re better than the rest of us.”

One should have seen the once-so-bubbly, so-imperious unicorn a mere five minutes into the Inquiry. Spitfire had barely got past her opening paragraph before Lyra deflated like a released balloon; her mouth fell slack and her eyes drooped and sagged, as if they had not seen sleep in months. Several times she had even dropped her prize gavel on the ground, and an embarrassed Spitfire had to remind the unicorn to pick it back up... the Inquiry slogged on for the whole morning, witness after witness corroborating the Wonderbolt leader's statements, before Lyra could finally adjourn it for lunch – and probably indefinitely, by the looks of it.

“She thinks she’s so principled,” Lyra grumbled sourly as Mrs. Cake came around with her tray, talking about how Spitfire was so brave and so honest and oh Celestia I need to find out where my husband’s gone! “She thinks that taking responsibility when there’s an easy way out is so admirable… well, I bet she didn’t even want to be in Wonderbolt Academy in the first place. She obviously got put in that job and now she’s found the perfect excuse to throw herself out!”

“Principles are only for ponies who are happy with the status quo,” Mayor Mare concurred, secretly thinking that it was a very Crimson Ribbon-esque thing to say.

“Exactly,” the unicorn said, beginning to slur as the cumulative effects of all that milkshake began taking its toll on her. “You and I, we have to make compromises all the time for the good of the ponies… and for the country… now Celestia will think that we've gone after the Wonderbolts, when all we wanted to do was nail Rainbow Dash… argh!” she exclaimed, slumping onto the table like a melting scoop of minty ice cream. “All I want is to be rid of that pegasus! Is this supposed to be that difficult?!”

"Well yes it IS!" A sudden yell from the doorway took the gloomy duo by surprise. Lyra and Mayor Mare turned around to see an unamused prismatic mare, head craning forwards as far as it could, smoke emanating from her nostrils; her hovering wings slashed through the air like steely knives. Beside her, Twilight Sparkle gave an apologetic glance and quickly ducked behind her furious friend.

"What do you have against Spitfire?!" the pegasus roared, startling a few of the clueless customers inside: precious teas and coffees rained down on the expensive carpet; evidently she had both overheard and misheard Lyra's little rant. "Why can't you just leave her alone? She protects Equestria, for Celestia's sake! Even if she did screw up a little, you have no right to-"

Lyra pushed away Mayor Mare's restraining forelegs and staggered up in a delirious rage. "So I suppose you would give Spitfire a free pass on everything because of that, huh?" she retorted. "Well, doesn't that sound like a certain weathermare we all know!"

"Hey! Both of you!" Mrs. Cake's howl crested over the ascending din. "I don't care if you saved Princess Celestia herself - if you two want to fight, take it outside!"

Heavily breathing, adrenalin surging, Lyra Heartstrings and Rainbow Dash shot one last death stare at each other before striding out the deli door.

Sugarcube Corner remained deathly silent, but for the clinking of empty glasses and the anxious breathing of the townsfolk, all training their ears on what was to happen outside. Twilight Sparkle sidled up sheepishly to the stony-faced tan mare. "Uh... so you're just going to let them have at each other, Mayor?" she ventured, crowning her forced sincerity with a smile and a grin.

"I... um..." Mayor Mare began, seemingly lost for words. "I'm sure the press have better things to report on."

The magical unicorn put her hoof to chin. "Maybe they do, Mayor... maybe they do..." she said, wiggling her ears as the first scraps of sound filtered through Sugarcube Corner's walls. "Well, at least now Ponyville's seen you defend them against the Wonderbolts - and that's got to help the cause of reconciliation," she opined thoughtfully. "Hm. I should really put in a claim for the whole tornado incident... there are a few books that I wouldn't mind possessing in the very near future...

"Oh, and Mayor? I've talked to Rainbow Dash - and I, um, sort of understand where you're coming from."

Author's Note:

[Particular inspiration: 1) Abuse of conscripts in South Korea, which is far less nice than anything encountered in Wonderbolts Academy; 2) I don't know why, but Lightning Dust's mane cut really reminds me of Donald Trump's (and not in a good way); 3) a common allegation leveled against governmental inquiries (e.g. the UK's Chilcote Inquiry over Iraq) is that the conclusion has already been predetermined in advance; 4) Spitfire's honesty (should you believe it) alludes to the fact that military institutions tend to be the most trusted in any country; 5) Rainbow's defense of Spitfire is pretty much how South Korean generals stalled investigations into conscript abuse for decades.]

Comments

[SuperPinkBrony12]

Just wait until The Mayor and Lyra find out about Lightning Dust's credibility in her arguement.

[Seether00]

6423942

I don't know. Lightning was kinda right. Spitfire never said anything that Dust was doing was wrong until Rainbow quit.

[alevegaliolios]

military institutions tend to be the most trusted in any country;

Bullshit