My Little Pony: Bureaucracy is Politic

by swirlstar

S1E7: Dragonshy

Season 1 Episode 7 - Dragonshy

The Cabinet Room, Ponyville

The Agenda:

1. Preparations for Bankruptcy [ ] Securing the Dragon Hoard [ ]

2. LONG TERM - Break the Power of the Apple Family [ ]

"All I want is a simple request. A simple. Request." Mayor Mare murmured, looking up at the rest of the Cabinet. "I just want a couple of weeks. Just a couple of weeks, without something happening in Ponyville!" she slammed her hooves onto the table. "Dragons? Now we have dragons?"

"I fear that something would have happened, in any case, had the dragon not happened on us," Secretary for Administration Crimson Ribbon said. "That being our bankruptcy."

The tan pony chastised his pedantry with her stare. "I know that. I'm just saying that I'd like to be pro-active rather than reactive! And especially," she scowled at the thought. "especially now that Lyra has finally gotten over her post-election funk."

The bureaucrat shrugged. "We play with the hoof we're dealt. Your hoof just happens to have a lot of disasters."

"Payback for previous milder years then, huh," the Mayor responded sarcastically. "Anyway. Now to this 'dragon hoard' business. Ms. Coin,"

Finance Secretary Bit Coin had been straining for a chance to speak. "Oh, yes, Mayor Mare, the dragon hoard - I just simply can't tell you how much of a break this is for us, for Ponyville, how much this will -"

"Ms. Coin." the gray stallion cautioned.

"Oh. Sorry. Lemme try again," the chestnut pony apologized. "Ahem. So you know, currently, due to an unfortunate crossing of numerous events, we are now on the brink of bankruptcy, to the tune of 750,000 bits."

"That Trixie gal finally submitted her compensation request, eh," Security Chief Delta Force said, instinctively reaching for his cigarette pack before remembering the new regulations.

"Yeah. Fifty thousand bits for the caravan and damages - ridiculous," the Finance Secretary snorted. "Anyway, thank Celestia, that dragon didn't add any more to our expenses. But most importantly, the dragon seems to have left his hoard up on the summit of Mt. Annaponya."

"It's just 'Annaponya'. It's from Old Eques- " the bureaucrat corrected her."

"Ok, ok!" Bit Coin shot a dirty look from across the table. "So, as I was saying, there's that dragon hoard on, ahem, Annaponya. Preliminary reports from Ms. Sparkle seem to indicate a whole cave of bits and jewels. That's more than enough to cover our budget."

"I'll be organizing a small team to go up there and retrieve the stuff," the red stallion chipped in.

"So there it is. Problem solved!" the Finance Secretary said happily, closing her ledger.

Smiles all around.

*

The Cabinet Room, Ponyville

"What do you mean, problem not solved?!" Bit Coin exclaimed incredulously.

"Ah," Mr. Ribbon was very smug indeed. "you see, this is where being a pedant helps."

Mayor Mare, now mired in her own depression, opened the Constitutional Codex. " The Dragon Hoard Act 567," she said with the enthusiasm of a suicidal unicorn. "'Wherever a pony discovers a dragon hoard on any mountain, crest, or peak, and takes peaceable possession thereof, the dragon hoard may, at the discretion of the local authority, be considered as appertaining to said authority's treasury.'"

"Ok...?" the chestnut pony replied, not really understanding the fuss at all.

"So basically," the gray stallion said, "whenever somepony finds a dragon hoard on any mountain, crest, or peak, we can have it."

"Right. That's why we're doing this," Bit Coin said.

"The problem is," Crimson Ribbon broke into a smile. "we have discovered that in Equestrian law, 'mountains', 'crests', and 'peaks' are defined as being five thousand hooves and above."

"We've done a rough trig," Delta Force added. "Annaponya's around five thousand hooves. Too close to call."

The Finance Secretary shrugged. "That's it? We'll just talk with Ms. Sparkle and her friends in the worst case, then. They are pretty easy to black- I mean, negotiate with."

Mayor Mare sighed again. "The Treasure Act 73. 'Wheresoever a hoard of any sort be uncovered by any one pony, it is only right and just that he be compelled to divide it with the rest of his village.'"

The chestnut pony was unimpressed. "Old lingo."

"That may be," Crimson Ribbon said. "But it still is law. The Dragon Hoard Act still takes precedence because it is more recent, but- "

The Finance Secretary finally got it, pupils shrinking in horror. "-but if the treasure is discovered on a mountain that is below five thousand, then everypony in Ponyville receives a share?"

Crimson Ribbon nodded. "We'd lose all control over the hoard. And we'd go bankrupt."

Bit Coin pondered the issue for a while before her ears perked up again. "I mean, this law is so old and so unremembered, that I'm sure the ponyfolk won't notice... right? Right?"

Delta Force passed an official complaint to the Finance Secretary. "Ms. Heartstrings did."

"Urgh..." Mayor Mare's body slumped further onto the table. "This darn town."

*

Sugarcube Corner, Ponyville

"Come on, Lyra!" Bit Coin pleaded. "I voted for you in the last election! Don't make my job so difficult!"

"It's not against you," the lime-green unicorn rolled her eyes. "It's against the Mayor. I'll still put you on as Finance Secretary when Ponyville goes bankrupt and she goes."

The chestnut pony snorted. "Come on. You're going to keep me, even after I was Sec' when Ponyville went bankrupt? Please."

"Nopony's more qualified than you at the moment," Lyra said. "and plus, we're friends, right?"

The Finance Secretary refused to be led off-topic. "Lyra, come on! I mean, I told you about the whole bankruptcy thing!"

"Bit, you're getting a slice of the pie if this challenge goes through," the unicorn responded.

"Lyra!" Bit Coin whispered angrily. "I haven't hidden a single piece of government news from you so far!"

"Bit Coin!" the unicorn responded in a mimicking accent. "I haven't told Mrs. Force about you two so far!"

"I... but...!" the Finance Secretary's cheeks flushed red with impotent anger. "Lyra, please!..."

*

The Gentlecolt's Club, Canterlot

"Ah, Crimmy, you old horse!" the Head of the Equestrian Trigonometric Survey, Three Point, stood up to welcome Ponyville's Secretary of Administration.

"And how have you been, Three?" the two ponies embraced.

"Ah, never been better!" Three Point reclined back into his couch. "The Trig Survey - Equestria's largest leisure center!"

The two stallions shared a chuckle.

"Well, most of the time anyway," Crimson Ribbon said. "Three, I've got a job in Ponyville."

"Ponyville? We mapped that out three centuries ago."

"I need you to trig Annaponya."

"Annaponya?" the portly pegasus took out a book and flipped through. "4,999 hooves- "

"No, no," the bureaucrat interjected. "there's been a terrible rockslide. We need to trig it again."

"Rockslide? How does that affect the height of the mountain?" Three Point said.

Crimson Ribbon responded with a smile. "I just need a new height."

The true meaning of this finally dawned on the pegasus. "Oh, Crimmy, you know the Trig Survey is totally neutral."

"Of course."

"You know we don't bow down to outside pressure," the pegasus gave a knowing wink.

"Of course."

"And you know that our results are totally, utterly, 100% apolitical."

"Of course, that would be most proper," Crimson Ribbon smiled. "But speaking of which, I still recall you owing me a favor for not telling Mr. Jessup what you did back- "

"Sure, sure," the pegasus waved his hoof dismissively. "I'll send a suitable surveyor. Totally upright. Incorruptible."

"Thank you very much, Three," the Secretary of Administration shook his old schoolmate's hoof. "Some wine?"

*

Secretary of Administration's Office, Ponyville

"Surveyor Scaler, correct?" Crimson Ribbon looked up at the bespectacled unicorn in front of him.

"Yes. Sir."

"Looks like you're three years overdue for promotion. You like surveying much?" the bureaucrat asked.

"Prefer a desk job, myself..."

"Good." Let's see how desperate you are, then. "Doubtless you know that you are here to trig Annaponya."

"Sure."

"And doubtless you know that Annaponya's already been trigged."

"Um... I guess... " Surveyor Scaler had, apparently, not given much thought to the absurdity of the situation.

"The problem is," Crimson Ribbon said. "We need a more useful record of Annaponya's height. Something like... oh, I don't know, five thousand."

"Five thousand?" the unicorn repeated. "But that's..." he realized what was going on.

Instinctively sitting up ramrod stiff, the surveyor recited the Surveyor's Oath as a defense. "A surveyor's job is to report the height of each peak precise- "

"Yes, yes, I know that," the Secretary of Administration stopped him. "Good. I'll just write that on your review, then. 'A stickler for the rules' - "

"Wait, wait!" Surveyor Scaler said hastily, knowing well that the review was his key to the long-awaited promotion. "I do believe that the recent rockslide has caused... significant height changes in Annaponya. It is the duty of the Trigonometric Survey to detail these changes..."

*

Summit of Annaponya, West Phalia

"Well, get on with it!" Lyra Heartstrings said impatiently. "You've already done this before, haven't you?"

"The recent rockslide, Ms. Heartstrings, may have changed the height of the mountain," Mr. Scaler said, looking nervously back at Mayor Mare and the Secretary for Administration.

"I didn't know rockslides occurred at the very summit," the lime-green unicorn said.

"The Trigonometric Survey is a completely neutral and apolitical organization," the surveyor answered, putting down some instruments onto the nearby ground.

Lyra glared at the Mayor. "It's you again, isn't it? You're placing this survey because you want the height of this mountain to be over 5,000 hooves, don't you? So you can keep the hoard to yourself, right?"

"Ms. Heartstrings, you heard Surveyor Scaler: the Trigonometric Survey is a completely neutral and apolitical organization," Mayor Mare replied innocently.

"Hmph," the unicorn crossed her forearms. "It's just not necessary to- wait, what are you doing?"

Out of the corner of her eye, Lyra spotted the surveyor frowning at something. She galloped over to him. "Give me that!" she yelled, snatching the reader from his hooves. "Let's see... A-HA!" the unicorn said triumphantly. "4,999 hooves! This isn't a mountain! I- "

"I'm sorry, Ms. Heartstrings," the bespectacled unicorn said quickly, taking the reader back from the unicorn's hooves. "I was just calibrating the instruments. The real summit is there," he said, pointing his hoof at a nearby stone.

"I- what?!" Lyra exclaimed. "It's just a stone! It's not even connected to the rest of the mountain! How can that be the summit!"

"The Trigonometric Survey is a completely neutral and apolitical organization, Ma'am." Surveyor Scaler repeated, gingerly balancing his instruments on the tiny rock. He punched some buttons and read the result. "5,000 hooves. So, that's the new height of Annaponya."

"This... but... but this is impossible!" Lyra refused to admit defeat. "How can a rockslide make a mountain even taller?"

Surveyor Scaler shrugged. "Could be plate tectonics. Could be pony error. Could even just be better instruments. But 5,000's the new height of Annaponya now, and it's in the log." He shot a glance at Crimson Ribbon, who gave a knowing wink. "But it's definitely not made-up."

The lime-green unicorn could add two and two together. "But this... this is impossible! There's no way you three didn't rig this! I'm... I'm going to court on this! You just wait, you just wait!"

Crimson Ribbon gave the smile of a conqueror. "Ms. Heartstrings, without concrete evidence, I do believe that the courts will find more persuasive, the mantra that the Trigonometric Survey is a completely neutral and apolitical organization."

Author's Note:

(Thanks to Seether00 for reminding me to mention Trixie's compensation.)
(Thanks to Kinrah for pointing out problem: 'human' error. Damn it, I blame jetlag!)

[Particular Inspiration: 1) The Dragon Hoard Act is derived from the US Guano Islands Act 1856, which allows any US citizen to annex, for the US, an unclaimed island with guano on it. 2) The Treasure Act, by comparison, is derived from the same law in the UK which requires all citizens to first attempt a sale of their findings before retention. 3) Abuse of the power of review does occur in the judicial system of Hong Kong, where judges who rule on corruption cases are themselves assessed by the anti-corruption bureau.]

Comments

[Kinrah]

"Human" error?

[SuperPinkBrony12]

2448038 Yeah what's this "Human" we're talking about?

On an unrelated note we see the big problem that plagues politics. Too many people abuse the system and line the pockets of their supporters (or in the most recent case in the U.S. the supporters line the pockets of politicans to buy them out. Yes I'm talking about you NRA and GOP)

[SilverAlchemist]

2448038
The Lyra Heartstrings Reelection Campaign Fund Group approves of this message.

[Seether00]

Considering Lyra wanted to make Ponyville bankrupt, fuck her. Okay, so Ponyville is solvent again. Hooray! Now if they could only do something about that road which leads to a flying ledge, we would be all set. (You know the one. The one in the Mare Do Well episode). Terrible civil engineering.

[swirlstar]

2448022 Well, in my defense, I wasn't going to make anypony a saint here. There still are bits of good though - friends looking out for each other, acts of loyalty, compassion, duty, etc. And really, 'bad' is such a subjective term in politics...

[garfan]

Can it really be considered found if the dragon left it there in the presence of ponies. Perhaps they could claim it as a settlement with the dragon for polluting their skies and requiring a diplomatic/military expedition to go out there.

[fedback]

This reminds me so much of the goverment histories my mom used to tell me (public servant) y really love this.

[AlsoSprachOdin]

"It's just 'Annaponya'. It's from Old Eques- " the bureaucrat corrected her."

delete last "

pointing his hoof at a nearby stone.

Just kick it down the mountain.

I do believe that the courts will find more persuasive, the mantra that the Trigonometric Survey is a completely neutral and apolitical organization.

Degenerates like this belong on a cross.