S2E15: Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000
Season 2 Episode 15 – Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000
Friendship Express to Canterlot, West Phalia
The Agenda:
1. Royal Inquest into Allegations Concerning the Equestrian Rodeo. [ ]
2. LONG TERM - Secure political control of the Legislative Council. [ ]
3. Win Election! [ ]
Gallop Poll: HEARTSTRINGS (EQE) 15% /BUSTER (EQA) 14% /MARE (IND) 11% (±5%)
Applejack caught Mayor Mare glancing nervously at her daily agenda again. “Gee, Mayor,” the orange pony chuckled knowingly. “Don’t sweat those numbers. Plenty of time to catch up.”
The tan pony groaned at this unwelcome reminder of the challenges ahead. “It’s momentum that counts this early in the campaign, Ms. Applejack,” she explained. “Trail too consistently behind, and ponies will think that I have no chance. Becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy, you see.”
“Right,” the country mare muttered in semi-comprehension. “In any case, Mayor, you’ve been lookin’ out for us Apples; count on our backing one hundred percent.”
“Thank you, Ms. Applejack.”
“On the other hoof,” the farmer teased, “the whole thing with Flim and Flam was a bit… suspicious, Mayor.”
The bespectacled mare bolted up straight as an unwelcome jolt coursed through her spine. “B-but you won in the end, Ms. Applejack… r-right?”
The orange pony couldn’t help but snicker at the thought of having scared the politician so thoroughly. “It was a joke, Mayor.”
“O-Oh!” the gray-maned pony exclaimed in relief, nevertheless seeking to get out of this topic as soon as possible. “Anyway, Ms, Applejack: excited about getting your rightful medals from the Equestrian Rodeo?”
The farm mare tilted her head in confusion. “I thought the Princess was gon’ judge on it today. Least, that’s why I came.”
“Oh, Ms. Applejack! We’ve got the confessions from the Manehattan Rodeo Team, we’ve got the urine and blood samples – there’s simply no way Her Highness will judge otherwise!”
“Hm. In that case, I’m definitely lookin’ forward to that,” the country mare admitted. “Hope you’ll also be gettin’ the boost you need for your campaign.”
“Oh, how cynical!” the Mayor scolded in mock anger. “This trip isn’t about me at all; it’s about you…!”
*
Friendship Express to Ponyville, West Phalia
The Agenda:
1. Royal Inquest into Allegations Concerning the Equestrian Rodeo. [✓]
2. Addressing the Cider Shortage. [ ]
3. LONG TERM - Secure political control of the Legislative Council. [ ]
4. Win Election! [ ]
Applejack turned out to be wrong on both counts. And now, triumphant blue ribbons round her neck, she sat slumped on the side of the carriage, gazing morosely at the speeding landscape beyond. She was, above all else, annoyed beyond compare.
Yet a clearly uncomfortable Mayor Mare had no other choice but to tread on the farmer’s nerves. “Ms. Applejack… ”
“What.”
“We need to talk about the continuing cider shortage… “
“No.”
An uneasy pause. The politician could do little else besides another try.
“Ms. Applejack… ”
“Consarnit, stop talkin’!” the orange pony yelled, whacking the side of the carriage to reinforce her point.
The bespectacled mare shrank back from confrontation.
The country pony exhaled angrily and continued resolutely avoiding eye contact. No further sound besides the bump of the rails and the whistle of the wind.
Great, Mayor Mare thought in frustration. The media sure picked the best time to hound me over that cider issue. Now Applejack won’t even…
Applejack sighed again, somewhat calmer, somewhat gentler than before. “Sorry, Mayor,” she tentatively apologized. “I shouldn’t have done that. I was just unhappy by how that press conference turned out.”
“I understand, Ms. Applejack.”
“I thought they were goin’ to ask me about the medals – but no, it just had to be the darned cider shortage, over and over again!” the farmer groused as she knocked on the wall again. “I’ve already told them a million times: we Apples can’t make enough for all of Ponyville!”
“I know.” Mayor Mare chose her words gingerly, desiring vocabulary that would subtract from the orange pony’s considerable pool of disgruntlement.
Applejack let another exhalation. “Well, no point in dodging the question,” she mumbled darkly. “What were you goin’ to say about the cider.”
“Um,” the bespectacled mare chose her words even more gingerly. “I was wondering if Flim and Flam could come back to Po- “
“No.”
The politician’s ears drooped. “But as you said, Sweet Apple Acres can’t produce enough- “
“No, Mayor!” the country mare shouted once more, her temper briefly flaring up beyond the control of reason.
A chastened Mayor retreated again from confrontation.
Another few seconds of quietude as Applejack cooled off. “Look, Mayor,” she stated, determinedly putting the lid on any further explosions. “I ain’t no foal. Celestia knows I saw how much pressure them journalists were givin’ you. And I know this machine will solve Ponyville’s problem. But Sweet Apple Acres is the largest employer in Ponyville, and you’ll only lose if we go down because of this cider business.”
The gray-maned pony reclined further into her seat. That was not the answer she was looking for. Oh, her campaign had gotten off to such a terrible start with that press conference – being ironically inundated with demands to end the cider drought – and by Celestia, failure here would most certainly sink her…
Hmm.
Applejack turned towards the politician. “No response?”
No response. The farm pony’s eyes narrowed.
“Actually, Ms. Applejack,” the bespectacled mare thought out loud. “What’s your price?”
“Price?” the orange pony was fast raising her voice again. “We ain’t gonna- !”
“Shh!” Mayor Mare put a hoof over her own lips. “Let me give you a suitable offer… ”
*
Flim and Flam Tools, Manehattan
“So here’s the deal, both of you.” Mayor Mare looked sternly at both Applejack and the Flim Flam brothers. “With this, Sweet Apple Acres will enter into a joint venture with Flim and Flam tools: the Apples will supply the required raw materials, while the Brothers will process said materials into apple cider. The resulting product will be sold under the Sweet Apple Acres name.”
The tan pony slid two stacks of legalese over to the contracting parties. “The Ponyville Government does sincerely hope that both of you will reach an agreement for the benefit of the community.”
The red-maned stallions regarded each other. “What do you say, Flim?” the mustachioed sibling ventured.
“Well I believe, Flam, that we can get more from this,” came the cautious reply. “After all, we’re not getting any name recognition from our product! And worse, what if the Apples try and ruin our good name by lowering the quality of their cider?”
“Heh,” Applejack forcibly restrained herself from leaping at the dapper stallions opposite her – that would certainly not help the Mayor or herself. “If we wanted to get rid of y’all, we wouldn’t have invited you back to Ponyville.”
“Ponyville is a very big market, Misters,” Mayor Mare reminded the wavering stallions. “You saw the crowds. They all want cider.”
“Mayor’s really givin’ y’all a treat, you ponies,” the orange pony continued. “Election season, you know. Opportunity. Might never come again.”
“The Government’s giving you so many benefits,” the bespectacled mare added on the pressure. “Free land, low taxes, even your own carnival band… ”
Success as a glint flashed across the Brothers’ eyes. “Moment to discuss among ourselves, Mayor?” Flim asked.
The tan pony smiled and nodded. Flim grabbed Flam as they scuttled to the corner of the room, whispering and chattering animatedly to each other.
Mayor Mare upped the ante. “Oh, Ms. Applejack,” she commented loudly enough, “I so desperately need the new jobs that this deal would bring.”
“Not to mention the extra cider you need to keep them ponies happy,” the country mare observed audibly.
“And I really, really need somepony to take me up on this deal!” the politician whined in exasperation. “Really, it doesn’t matter whether it’s the Brothers or somepony else- “
“Deal!” Flam declared from the other corner of the room.
“ – and maybe Mr. Rich would be less… deal?!” the tan pony turned, seemingly incredulously, to the stallions. “Did I hear you say what I wanted to hear you say?”
"Yes, Ma’am!” In one graceful movement, Flam took the boating hat off his head and swooped it round an arc, his body bending low in a bow. “As the world-famous Flim Flam Brothers, we simply must have a presence in Ponyville!”
Flim followed suit. “How could we possibly stand aside and see innocent ponies suffer from this terrible drought!”
“Indeed, brother of mine! Ponyville needs us to deliver, and we must come to the rescue!” the mustachioed pony responded, rapidly leading his brother into impromptu song.
“See these poor, poor ponies
And their poor, poor aches,
And their mouths, so desp’rate for our fare!”
“Oh, brother, we must answer,
Hour after hour,
Each single thirsty mare!”
“With this fine, fine machine
And this bright, bright gleam
There is none, who will not smile and beam!”
“Let’s join in this scheme,
And we’ll start up the steam,
And fulfill every hopeful dream!”
Applejack covered her ears as the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000 in front of them abruptly erupted into life. “Sheesh, Mayor; where’d the band come from?!” she shouted over the music.
“Government subsidy!” Mayor Mare yelled back, her own hooves muffling the outside world. “Don’t you remember?”
*
Ponyville Brownfield Site, Ponyville
“Hmm, hmm, hmm… ” Twilight hummed happily. Everything was going perfectly in Ponyville. No angry ponies, no rampaging mutants, no celestial disasters. For a unicorn who was, theoretically at least, campaigning for re-election, that had to be a good thing...
“Come on now, Twi’,” Applejack reminded her friend as she prepared to knock on the door of the shed. “We got business.”
“Oh, of course.” The magical unicorn cleared her throat. “Sorry.”
The orange pony chuckled. “It’s fine.” Rattle rattle rattle as the corrugated iron door resonated uneasily.
The door slid open and two heads poked out in response. “Ah, if it isn’t Applejack!” Flam declared happily. “Are you already delivering our next bunch of apples?”
“Uh, no, actually,” the country mare replied with a dry laugh. “During all the singin’ and everythin’ – which was totally fun, of course – we forgot a tiny detail.”
The lavender pony put on a pair of glasses. “Hi, Mr. Flim and Mr. Flam!” Twilight said in her best bureaucrat impression. “You may remember me as Ms. Sparkle from the government - I need to do a few minor checks of your machine. Just to make sure your contraption meets Health and Safety regulations.”
“And ‘cause of, you know, previous history,” the farmer added, “I need to make sure the product is A-ok as well.”
“It’s routine,” her friend added. “Definitely not just aimed at both of you.”
Applejack nodded in agreement.
Flim turned to his brother. “Dear brother, what say you?”
“I see no problem, dear Flim! Come on in, you two!”
The clangs and rachets of industry sharpened as the two mares entered the cavernous building. In the middle of it all was the Super Speedy Cider Squeezy 6000, happily gobbling up the mountain of apples next to it and disgorging barrel after barrel of cider off its back. Even now, Twilight could hardly believe the speed at which the engine was performing its task – and all without pony assistance as well!
Flim and Flam snickered at the gawping visages of their guests. “Speedy has that effect on a lot of ponies,” Flam boasted.
“I bet,” the Mayor’s protégé mumbled in awe, curiosity fast covering all other thought. “Anyway, Misters, I will need you to stop production for a while in order for me to check the whole engine for inspection. Now relax, I’ve done this many, many times,” she hastily reassured. “I’ve never failed before.”
Applejack took up the baton. “In the meantime, Sirs, I need to ask you some questions about the operating processes of this machine. Input/Output ratio, process, energy consumption, that sort of thing.”
“Alright, but… wait. What has input/output ratio got to do with quality assurance?” Flim asked suspiciously.
“Uh, well… ” The orange pony slunk back shiftily. “Umm… ”
“It’s to make sure that you’re not trying to cheat consumers out of cider,” Twilight called back, still waiting for the machine to power down. “You know, because of last time.”
“Oh.” Flim’s ears drooped at the reminder. “I admit, we were a bit… overzealous then, Ms. Applejack. I hope this won’t hurt our partnership.”
“No, no; it’s fine,” the orange pony waved a carefree hoof around. “Now why don’t we just, uh, discuss these questions outside? Gets mighty noisy when Twi’- I mean, Ms. Sparkle – here does her inspection.”
“Why, of course!” the brothers answered in unison. “Anything to make sure our newest venture is a success!”
“Thanks, ponies.” Applejack opened the door. “Uh, Tw- Ms. Sparkle, we’re leavin’!”
“Noted, Ms. Applejack!” the magical mare responded, making a few perfunctory knocks at the metal casing. “I’ll inform you ponies when I’m done!”
Applejack winked as she slid shut the iron doors. Twilight gave a few waves, before quickly reaching into her saddlebags and whipping out several rolls of drafting paper.
“Alright, Twilight.” The bookish mare rubbed her hooves in rapt anticipation as a lavender aura surrounded the now-silent contraption. “Let’s see how well you crammed Mechanical Engineering.”
*
Mayor Mare’s Office, Ponyville
Mayor Mare gave another snort of impatience. “I don’t need to give you a reason, Misters Flim and Flam,” she declared harshly. “The government has ended this joint venture unilaterally. We will pay the penalty for early termination.”
The voice on the other side of the line was annoyingly insistent. “But your inspectors gave us the highest seal of approval, Mayor!” Flam whined. “And Ponyville needs our assistance!”
“Needed your assistance, Misters,” the bespectacled mare declared. “Cider production is now soaring to the point of glut. The venture is now redundant.”
“Why is it soar- “ A sudden silence over the line. “Oh by Celestia, don’t tell me Sweet Apple Acres copied our- “
“I need an answer, Misters,” the gray-maned pony cut off further damaging – though totally correct – speculation. “You can quit now and receive a nice lump sum as part of our severance agreement, or you can stay and be accused of squatting on government land – which carries a sentence of imprisonment, may I remind you.”
Silence. “Well?” Mayor Mare pressed.
A sigh. “Alright. We accept the early termination.”
The tan pony smiled. “Thank you, Misters. Expect the money tomorrow.”
And even before she had put down the receiver, the Mayor had already thought of the best way to spin this story: Mayor Mare defeats another hostile takeover from the Flim Flam Brothers…
“Thanks, Mayor.”
The bespectacled mare turned round to see an orange mare – of course, Applejack’s still here – beaming as brightly as the laws of physics would allow.
“Thanks, Mayor. I knew you had our back.”
Mayor Mare smiled. This is a good start to election. “Only for the Apples, Ms. Applejack. Only for the Apples.”
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3089639 I watched a few episodes of The Thick of It, but to be honest, I didn't really like it. The realistic camera shooting and the even more hyper-realistic (I expect) language kind of irked me.
I got Papers, Please because you were like the Nth person to tell me about it. The conclusion: I'd make a terrible, terrible immigration officer. Let a suicide bomber through on the second day
.
3096068
Oh, that bomber is scripted. Some of the inspections are scripted events but most are randomly generated.
I could only take the Thick of it in small doses because all the characters were such awful people. Excellent dialogue though.
On the chapter. Yeah, that is pretty much how the Chinese operate and US corporations let them because executives are shortsighted assholes.
3096195 Well be thankful that companies like Wal-Mart are posed to bring back American jobs and start a new revolution. Those "Buy American" hounds might just get their wish. No thanks to candidates like Mitt Romney who actually said he liked what he saw in China and said the U.S. business world should be more like China's. And he wonders why he lost the election.
And of course leave it to the Apples to resort to sabotage rather then strike a fair deal. I'll bet their "Scared of Technology" thing was all just a ruse to get at the machine.
3096244
Yeah, element of honesty, my shining metal ass.
3096068
Actually, the developer released the game assets, so people can create mods. I wonder how hard it was be to ponify it.
Maybe be an inspector at the newly reopened Crystal Empire boarder crossing.
this is how the chinese keep getting their knockoffs?
3098069 More like how China has managed to acquire and develop pretty sophisticated (considering it was dirt-poor even in the 1990s) products in areas like green energy, infrastructure, and communications.
3096286
3098188 even back then no one tried to enforce the international copyright law? bloody hell
3100522 This is China, the second largest economy in the world and a totalitarian nuclear power. who the heck is going to enforce the law...
3100661 they should've embargoed them before they had the chance to be the one who makes everything
Wow.
My Shady Beuracrat, Backdoor Politics is Malfeasant.