Trixie and Spitfire fall in love and life is always throwing curve-balls at them around each turn. Join them as they venture through life and all the unexpected turns it has to offer. Now an Arc series.
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When you said an epic clash between Trixie and Fleetfoot, I did not expect you to mean in a dream. xD
Now, I do not like to start off negative, but since I like to go chronologically… I’m gonna just straight up say it. I don’t really like the dream. This mostly has to do with the notion that dreams aren’t real. What happens in a dream is just allegory for what the character is preoccupied with, and usually you do not need to spend much time to get the message across.
In that sense, it actually starts off rather well. In just under 200 words you do a good job of showing us Spitfire ‘living her dream’ as it were. Free of all her usual responsibilities, just doing what she really loves doing most, flying. It does well in relating to the reader what Spitfire actually wants. Which makes sense really, if you assume Rainbow Dash is an accurate representation of Wonderbolt hopefuls, Spitfire probably never wanted to be a Captain or deal with regulations, it just came with the territory of being a Wonderbolt, which while being the place the best fliers end up, is also much more than just flying. We do know that Spitfire’s original motivation was to change herself and put smiles on faces, not being a military commander.
After that, we step into what Spitfire actually fears: the two ponies she cares about not getting along, and being unable to do anything about it. I think you did a good job in displaying the helplessness by making Trixie and Fleetfoot huge forces of nature that Spitfire couldn’t hope to stop. The fight between them is a good way of showing what Spitfire is afraid of, but I feel it goes on too long and with too much detail. You do not need to do a blow by blow account of their clash. Really, the message you were trying to get across was loud and clear the moment they started fighting. Because it is a dream, the details of the fight are practically irrelevant and there is no suspense on who is going to win.
Okay, that’s enough of me ragging on dreams again. Let’s move on to some last minute revelations we got out of it. It’s interesting to see Spitfire is aware that her feelings for Trixie already exist, and that it is not the same kind of “lil sister” feeling that she has for Fleetfoot, but Spitfire isn’t quite aware what that feeling is yet.
Working out is part of Trixie's routine? I never really thought about that. I could see it though in the sense that Trixie pulls her own wagon, so she’d need to be strong, and she probably is plenty motivated to keep her figure so might need the other exercises to keep her body from ending up looking unbalanced.
Edit: I nearly forgot this part. The uneven patch of fur on Trixie's back. This seems like it was recent, and we're told that there was 1 other pony who was nice to Trixie aside from Pette, which I imagine will have to do with this shaven bit of fur. It seems possible that the fur was shaven in order to tend to a wound Trixie sustained at some point after getting run out of Ponyville, possibly due to her reputation as an evil wizard.
Chipmunk Trixie is awesomely cute. Unless I missed something, this is her first meal since she met with Spitfire? If so, her behavior is excusable. If they already ate something ‘off camera’ before though, then this way of eating might suggest something pretty dark about Trixie’s history if she feels compelled to eat quickly and as much as possible when the opportunity of free food presents itself…
Spitfire grooming Fleetfoot, that was just such a daww moment, I loved it. It goes a long way to show what kind of trust and comfort they have with each other despite what happened at the bar. They seem to be aware of the sister relationship they share, the only surprise for Fleetfoot was for how long Spitfire had actually felt that bond already. I am really enjoying their little moment together there where they show how much they care, talking about the past, and wanting that back.
The rough housing that proceeded it was also a nice bit of sibling affection. ;3
Now here’s where I’m gonna put on my detective hat. At the start of the story Spitfire is looking at a picture of the day she made her first friend in Flightschool, and it’s her fav picture. We now know that she met Fleetfoot in flightschool, and they still have a solid loving sister relationship. I suspect Fleetfoot might be that friend, and it makes sense that she could keep a picture like that around. What’s especially interesting though, is that the picture brings up the memory of Vector, the cruel school bully, and it is implied that this was around the time when Fleetfoot’s mother left her. Especially since Spitfire talks about feeling especially ‘big sisterly’ after something that Vector did, which given the context, seems likely to be some kind of really sickening bullying of Fleetfoot about losing her mother. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is what actually caused Spitfire to break Vector’s leg, and possibly the reason why she did not get suspended as administrators felt it was appropriate and looked the other way, though that last bit is a stretch on my part.
Course, I could be completely of the mark. I'll find out in the future.
Now for some notes.
First of all, I'll post this again as you are still having a little trouble with it, but I did notice you capitalized the nicknames now so you are half way there.
If anything is unclear about this do let me know. I'll try to elaborate.
Double, I would suggest making the second one just "city", but in the first place it is a little redundant as we're basicly told twice that it's morning. ^^
It's probably better to remove one of the two sentences.
Capitalize "In"
Were*
Double, I'd suggest changing the second one to "it"
saw*
This may need a little rewording.
notice of*
Though this is a little awkwardly phrased, I think. Something like "Which did not escape Spitfire" might work?
were*
"Trixie, Captain?" *
Italics for these two.
in*
I'm assuming this is referring to the bartender in the first chapter. Pette*
Also, It's worth noting that I did not actually remember the name, and was confused initially. I suspect others may not either. So you could do something like:
"Aside from Pete, the bartender, no other pony—etc"
"the door, Spitfire," she said"
1, since Trixie is addressing Spitfire, there needs to be a comma.
2, since this dialogue has a said-tag it ends with a comma rather than a period.
You did correctly refrain from capitalizing "said" though so well done. ^^
This could benefit from some rephrasing.
saw*
Hey*
Looking forward to the next chapter. It better actually feature some of Trixie's side of the story this time though, or I will find you. It's not fair, keeping me in suspense like that!
5108146 OK. Let me start by saying, that dream wasn't the epic climactic clash between Fleetfoot and Trixie I promised. I always wanted to do a dream sequence, so I did one YEAH!
Secondly, you HATE dreams? Why bro? Why so salty and ragging?
Don't worry I'll put a dream sequence in each arc JUST FOR YOU... >.> I feel it was necessary in it's own right to go into detail, but that's just me. Don't worry you'll get your mare on mare fight soon enough.
Next to address the exercising. Yes, I imagined Trixie as the on the road type. That being said, I feel it is necessary to make Trixie into a competent pony in terms of strength, does that make sense? She travels all across the land so she needs to be fit to travel, fight, or flee if needed. Also before I forget, I remember the nickname rule from before, it just hasn't reached me as habitual quite yet, but thanks for reminding me again!
Next, I'm glad you liked the sisterly bonding time. I hope others liked it as well. Now, as for Trixie she'll get her screen time next I promise. I also promise that I won't make you wait another chapter before I give you the "FVT Clash". Buut, you DID make me wait to find out what happens to Derpy and Dinky in Trixie's Forest Retreat, sooooooo....
Honestly, I had to have the comment response you gave and my response on different tabs because I laughed at your rage on my dream. I still am even now actually.
As for your detective hat time, I like that, everything will tie together. Well, not EVERYTHING but many things will. Actually I have a surprise for later chapters that I hope will blow some minds away. As for Trixie's fur, that's something that did happen as she was heading to Manehatten and will tie together later.
I feel kind of bad that I don't put as much response effort as you do to me. I 'll comment on every chapter to make up for this! I do so enjoy these exchanges though, you help give me inspiration! Lastly here's a song I listen to while making my story, it helped make me want to write.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QvDem5oyHXc
5108719
Oh, come on. I tried really hard not to let my raging fury shine through too much. I liked plenty of things about it, just not the length. Upon reflection, maybe I do hate dreams. It's twice now that somebody wrote a dream and I ragged on it for length. I can't possibly hate dreams though can I? I mean, I write dreams. On the other hand, maybe I hate myself!
Of course, I just want to make this perfectly clear: It's only my opinion. You are perfectly justified in disregarding it, especially if the dream scene was how you wanted it to be.
Nice to hear we are going to see the FVT is approaching. I'm especially interested in what you are going to do for Trixie's story. Poor Spitfire, at least she should have better luck preventing physical violence than in her dream this time, heh.
I can't wait to see how you are going to tie everything together, but I guess I will have to. Guessing at the big twist seems innapropriate, so I'll hold off.
What, is this payback? Dang, I hope this won't be an ongoing thing cause Dinky and Derpy aren't planned to show up for a lil while.
Finally, don't feel bad, it's not a contest or a trade.
If it helps you in anyway either through improving, inspiring, or motivating than I am more than happy already.
Not that I'm telling you not to comment, cause goodness knows nothing motivates me more than comments, which is part of why I love paying it forward.
Awesome song. I have tried on occasion to listen to something while writing, but it just ends up distracting me, it's really silly.
5109879 OK now I'm curious. I'd like to hear what you have to say about dream sequences in general. What do you like/dislike about them? And how would YOU use them, IF ever?
I use them as a foreshadowing tool, like I do when I DM Dungeons and Dragons, and always have a metaphorical representation behind them. Sometimes I use several metaphors, but they always foreshadow something in my works.
So, what do you think of them?
5112900
I was largely just being comical. I don't hate dreams.
That said, I spent a bit of time thinking on this question, and I think that ultimately it comes down to length.
Generally a dream has a message. It might be: foreshadowing, revealing something about the characters mental state, something they are preoccupied with, something subconcious, some aspect of their character, how they feel about something, etc, or any combination of those.
I feel as though once the message of a dream is delivered, the dream is just dragging on and should wrap up, or move on to the next message. If it lingers, it just keeps hammering on the same point. Even though the actual scenes taking place may be different, it is repetative because all that matters is the message, which is being repeated.
This is as good as I can express my feelings on this at the moment.
I was severely disappointed that that the dream didn't end with some sort of wrestling move.
Anyways, I like this story and can't wait to see where it will go.
5131531 I'm sorry you didn't like the No wrestling finisher. Don't worry it gets better, IT"S GETTING BETTER DAMN YOU! -Vegeta
5129128 I'm TOTALLY using that one in the future! Trixie's secret technique Blazing Inferno Suitcase of Death!
as if she'd flown*
I'm not sure how I missed this the first time around.
5133927
LOL
I always thought Trixie was quite a strong unicorn physically, she pulled her home everywhere with her.