Trixie and Spitfire fall in love and life is always throwing curve-balls at them around each turn. Join them as they venture through life and all the unexpected turns it has to offer. Now an Arc series.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Well this is an idea I like to see, two showmares on opposite ends of the spectrum.
Interesting to have another thread of the story be bullying, seems Spitfire got to be on both sides of that and is trying to change. I'm interested to see what Trixie's perspective on that is, so far we only know she intervened in a case, but there is also her behaviour on stage that was pretty much bullying her hecklers, so there may be more there.
I look forward to seeing more of this, keep up the good work.
Now for a few things I noticed while reading:
Sat*
Within his* grasp
Asked*
For thought dialogue, it's usually a good idea to use Italic, to set it apart from the rest.
At*
Wow, wait, what?
1, I am rather surprised to see swearing out of the blue.
2, Spitfire assaults her commanding officer TWICE, (a slap, which got no retaliation, and now a headlock,) for saying she is late on dates? I feel like we're missing mountains of context here. (I realize there is some later on, but it seems kinda flimsy. Like if Spitfire had been teasing her with a dead foal or something I might have understood. O.o)
3, "Struggling Spitfire" needs a comma in between. There's a couple more examples where you could use a comma in this story, but I didn't want to nitpick all of them. (But hey, as long as I'm on this section I may as well include it.)
Missing a " mark at the start.
I think that some point during this paragraph the speaker changes to Trixie?
If so, it needs to split into a new paragraph.
I hope this helps, good luck. ^^
5054811 Thanks for the help there. I was hoping after a week of reading the same text I'd caught all that. Still thanks for the bold encouragement. I promise the reason for Fleetfoots reaction will be explained later, for now it's a mystery.
Also you're right the swearing was a bit much. I didn't mean for that to happen honestly it just came out. On a more personal note it was your story Trixie's Forest Retreat that inspired me to write such a story. That and I like the idea of two showponies together from different backgrounds. Should I have put a comma back there? "That, and? or no?
Seriously though thanks for nitpicking for me. Can I interest you in a permamnet position as nitpicker of my story?
5055456
Unfortunately, the brain is really good at seeing what you meant to write, rather than what it actually says.
But you definitely put in your due diligence. I'm glad to hear that there is in fact more context that we're currently not seeing. I'll impatiently wait to see it revealed then.
It's not necessarily wrong of course, since it's your story and you can make the characters say whatever you want, but I'm glad we see eye-to-eye on this one.
The change looks good, "Jerk" is definitely more fitting here.
It's awesome, and surprising, to hear that!
Good taste in scenario.
I honestly have no idea... Which brings us to:
As I just so elegantly displayed, my own grasp on punctuation is not quite where it should be yet either, and I wouldn't want to enforce any bad habits in you.
If you like, I can proofread to pick out the things I am able to, but I would still recommend getting an actually competent editor.
The timing of Spitfire arriving at the bar confused the ^$@! out of me when I first read it At 6:00 they begin the conversation where Soarin says everyone is meeting at the bar in an hour at 7:00 after they take showers. Spitfire then agrees to hang out with them and will meet them there in 30 minutes which would be 6:30. She then spends 40 minutes on paperwork, presumably 50 locking everything up and some travel because she says she is 1 hour late from the earliest meeting time of 6:30 making it 7:30. 10 more minutes later she arrives at the bar where Soarin says he anticipated her to reach there at 7:00 which it currently is. Spitfire then replies to this by saying she thought they were meeting at 6:00 which doesn't makes sense in any circumstance because they first started talking at 6:00.
So if we go off of the time Soarin says and not Spitfire's extremely awful perception of time, it means she is either only 30 minutes late of Spitfire's estimate or right on time for Soarin's original plan. As such you can still say she is at most 30 minutes late and still have the fight with her and Fleetfoot (which I presume will be expanded upon later in the story), but reading those passages made my brain feel like it was going through an acid trip
Also I noticed quite a few mistakes while I was at it.
Scarred should probably be scared. Scarred=to mark with a scar Scared=to fill with fear or terror
Ask should be asked
of needs to be capitalized
a should be at.
Unnecessary apostrophe at the end
Period after Captain needs to be a comma and there’s an extra space between pulling and it.
Needs ending quotation “So, what now?”
Needs commas between adjectives. Tall, heavy, brown earth pony
Misplaced comma
The i needs to be capitalized
Mares needs an apostrophe and no should be now
he should be she unless you’re deliberately having Spitfire misremember the gender
a brown stallion just sounds a whole lot less awkward
An extra space between Trixie and who.
ind should be hind
An extra space between after and that
Several instances where dialog should end with a comma instead of a period (below)
And a couple of instances where separate speakers didn't have separate paragraphs
That's all I was comfortable correcting and/or noticed so there are probably more hidden in there. I hope this helps a little.
Well that is a obvious lie, damn it Snips and Snails.