Shining Armor
Dear Unicorn Flash SentryTwilight's darkest secretCelestia's stallion-whoreMister CadenceCaptain UselessDusk Shine
Shining Armor
You are an unimpressive sack of aged pus. I've seen useless ponies before; without animals and her duty as an Element, Fluttershy would never leave her house and spend all day writing terrible sexual fan fiction about her friends. But you... how did you even manage to make Captain? Parents pay your way in? Blackmail? Kiss flank? Do other things to flank? Do other things to Celestia's flank? I'm sure by now you noticed I never threw 'skill' on that list. If it weren't for Twilight Sparkle, her friends, and your wife's ability to use black magic to forcibly alter ponies' feelings in ways that I feel would justify reinstating the Equestrian Inquisition, I'd say you'd be dead several times over.
Speaking of Caddy, I'm looking to join the Pony Tossing games. Any pointers? Fluttershy's not a good flyer, but she can glide pretty nicely (years of hanging around animals has allowed her to pick up multiple parasites that seem to eat most of her food before she can digest it; to the point it's almost an eating disorder, really, so she's really light. She won't take meds to get rid of them because she feels that would be mean. Better get back to me on that soon before they finish her off).
Yours sincerely, Discord.
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Nobody expects the Equestrian Inquisition!
There, it's said, nobody else needs to say it.
That comparison to Fluttershy just sold it!
Dusk Shine?!?
I was talking to my goddamned mother on the phone while reading this. Thanks to you, she now thinks I'm crazier than I actually am. Only crazy people burst out laughing in the middle of normal conversations, right?
So much to say...
But then you put "Twilight's darkest secret" among the struck-out addressees, and I lost it.
I'm pretty sure Shining is just a trophy husband, really.
Although he gets some good distance with his wife.