How did I get here!?!

by brandsca123

First published

My first self insert

How in the hell did I get here? Was one of the questions that ran through my head. Let me cut to the chase I an ordanary college student ended up here in Equestria. I'm scared out of my wits and it doesn't help that Pinkie Pie was the first pony I see. Join me as I learn the magic of believing in oneself and try to get over my fear of Pinkameana Diane Pie.

My life as I know it

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Let me just say, wow I wasn't expecting this to happen. When I first came to Equestria, I thought it was another weird dream brought on by some bad pizza I had last night. So let me cut to the chase...

My name is Curtis Brandstetter, I am a 19 year old adult living in some mental home. I won't go into the details on why I'm here so let me just say some things happened. Some people say I'm funny and creative, others say I'm just your average stick in the mud. I suffer from severe paranoia, depression, and have both mental and emotional breakdowns. Me having Aspergers doesn't help with that at all. I'm constantly surrounded by retards all day and have taken to locking myself up in my room. The only friend I have is an imaginary one I nicknamed Gweebo. I take anti-depressants to help calm my nerves and I have a huge fear of a certain pony, Pinkie Pie. The stuff of nightmares in my opinion, I mean her smile reminds me of a creepypasta I read called Jeff The Killer. That face still haunts my dreams. But enough about me, you probably want a story right? Well let me start from the beginning....

It was a normal/crazy day in Riverveuw Manor, I was woken by a nurse for breakfast, bacon and eggs today. I don't eat meat, I'm 100% vegetarian so I had to go to the kitchen to tell the cooks not to give me any meat. Though with how much enthusiasm they have when serving I doubt it. As usual they didn't listen and I ended up making a scene on how they are prejudice against vegetarians. Bastards....

I walk outside trying to avoid the usual awkward conversation that happens between me and the idiots living here. As always I encounter Mike in the hallways. I seriously want to punch his face in, MY NAME ISN'T ERIC YOU RETARD. I hate my life...

My god I swear that half these people don't have a brain in their head. I go outside to the front enjoying the fresh air. Oh hell it looks like one of the residents shit themselves again, I nearly gag as I run back inside. I lock myself in my room and spray air freshener all over the place. Well looks like going outside to walk to school is out of the question. I go to my closet to get my books and get to work. As I reach in to grab my OLC 40 textbook I felt something pull me into the closet. It seemed that I fell into some sort of worm hole.

All around me was wavy swirls of color and a light at the end. It almost reminded me of the theme song from one of the old Doctor Who shows, I half expected to see his face appear in front of me as I fell. As usual luck wasn't on my side, cursing myself for not getting a camio appearance to appear in front of me. I stated to fall and spin faster, like one of those teacup rides at Disney Land. I swear those things are designed that if you throw up out of the side, you spray as much people as possible. The light got brighter and I had to close my eyes to save myself from going blind. Suddenly I felt warm air and I opened my eyes.

"Oh fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu" was all I managed to say as I fell to earth. I started wishing that this was all a bad dream, as a saw the outline of a village below me. I crashed down through one of the roofs of the building and landed in a bedroom. Despite the huge pain in my ass, I looked around. I saw colorful posters of clowns and some assorted party supplies littering the floor. I heard running coming from downstairs, and not long after that the door opened. What greeted me was the face of pure terror that haunted me in my dreams. Pinkie Pie was standing before me. I started to panic as she walked closer to me, a look of curiosity on her face. She stopped in front of me and sat down. She raised a hoof and thrust it in my face.

"Hi there." She said. Now as I already mentioned I'm deathly afraid of Pinkie Pie, the only thing I managed to do was let out a loud scream of terror as the world blacked out in front of me. I am so f*cked.

I awoke to three ponies staring down at me. Mr and Miss Cake had looks of concern on their faces, while Pinkie Pie was busy poking me in the face. I took one look at her and she smiled, again like the sissy that I am I screamed like a little girl that had ingested to much helium. Mr and Miss Cake backed away in surprise as I quickly dragged myself into a corner.

"This is just a dream, just a bad bad dream." I mumbled with tears streaming down my face.

"Hey it's okay I won't hurt you silly." Pinkie said as she started to walk towards me. Again I screamed and ran, this time I ducked under a table. Pinkie then grabbed my leg and started to drag me out.

"I WANT TO LIVE, I WANT TO LIVE, I.....WANT....TO....LIVE!!!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs.

"GOD HELP ME PLEASE, SHE'S A KILLER, A KILLER I TELL YOU, I WANT TO LIVE!!!" I grabbed onto the leg of the table as I desperately tried to go back under. Pinkie tried to calm me down but that only made things worse as I let out another scream.

"DON'T WANT, DON'T WANT, SOMEONE ANYONE HELP ME.!!!" I sqermed around trying to shake her of as I continued to cry and scream like a baby. I blacked out again. Again I am so f*cked.

A/N: Wow another story, this time a self insert. My first one to be exact. The things you read are based off of true events in my life, minus the part when I land in Equestria that one I made up. Please do not bomb this fic with rude comments and please leave a like and please favorite it. Also be easy on me as It's my first self insert. Bad comments make Fluttershy sad. And yes I am deathly afraid of Pinkie Pie so please don't poke fun.

Now what do I do

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Okay so now I'm in Equestria with the pony I fear the most, this has got to be a nightmare right. Right now I'm sitting in Twilights study nervously looking around for an exit. I read the fics before, this is where I get questioned about my species. She got out a pen and scroll and went up to me and opened her mouth to ask the first question when I suddenly blurted out.

"Holy shit I got sucked through a worm hole." Did I mention that I'm slow on the uptake in certain situations.

"Holy shit I'm in Equestria." Oh great now the reliesation is kicking in.

"HOLY SHIT PINKIE'S GOING TO CHOP ME UP TO LITTLE PIECES AND MAKE ME INTO A CUPCAKE!!!" Now I relies this, my god my brain is slow today. Twilight's mouth was wide open at this moment, most likely shocked at my outburst. The qwill she had dropped to the floor with a clatter. Uh oh I think I feel another emotional breakdown coming.


"Tick tock goes the clock
Here fall the sands of time
Tick tock goes the clock
Your love will surely die."

I chanted the poem quitely as I rocked back and forth in the fetal position. This poem I made to calm myself down in times of stress. Twilight just looked at me like I had bugs coming out my ears. Spike came down because of the noise and looked at me funny.

"Uhh Twilight is he going to be okay?" Spike asked. I should probably tell you how I got here, so I will give you the short version before I continue on.

Pinkie Pie dragged me kicking and screaming bloody murder through the streets of Ponyville. Nuff said....

Right now I was scared shitliss. I'm in a make believe world filled with ponies and my worst nightmare was the first thing I saw when I came here. Right now it isn't looking to good for me. Twilight Sparkle poked me with her hoof, when she made contact my body lost all control as I let loose a long and loud "pffffffftttt". She backed away obviously surprised that I lost control of my bowles. Now I think she was well aware of how scared I was. She quickly wrote down some notes and said,

"Subject appears to be fearful of ponies." Of course I'm scared shitiss of ponies, they don't exist so how can I be here right now, my whole world was turned inside out as soon as I got sucked in that worm hole.

"I don't want to play this game anymore." Oh great now I don't know what I'm saying, I'm starting to babble incoharently, thats how scared I am folks.

"Merble kerp ferble." Was all I managed to get out before I passed out for the third time. This time however I wasn't aware of how long I was out, because when I woke up I was in Fluttershy's cottage. I was sprawled out on the couch and on the other end Twilight and Fluttershy were having a conversation.

Twilight: "I'm not sure what his problem is. Pinkie found him like that and told me that he was scared of her."

Fluttershy: "Oh my, that does sound awful, are you sure you want him to stay here theirs no telling how he might react to the other animals."

Twilight: "I"m sure Fluttershy, besides your the only pony I know that might be able to calm him down."

At that moment my body chose to fall off the couch. The noise startled both of them and they turned to look at me. I got up and sat down fear was in my eyes.

"Where am I how id I get here!" I was now more scared than anything in my life. I felt another emotional breackdown coming. I fell to the floor again and I started to shiver with fright. Fluttershy took that moment to hoover over to me.

"There, there it's all right..." She didn't get to finish as I bolted upright and made a b-line for the door. Twilight used her magic to restrain me and drag me back. I was screaming for help at this point. Fluttershy hugged me close and tried to calm me down. Somehow it worked, I couldn't explain it but I just felt more calm. It was night out and Twilight decided to leave. Fluttershy put me in the spare bedroom and went to sleep herself, leaving me alone with my thoughts.

Okay so I'm in Equestria no big deal right. Sure it might take some time for me to get used to living here, though would I want to. I'm pretty sure that these ponies are plotting something against me. What are they going to do. I'm frightened, I'm more frightened than I have been in my entire life. I want answers, why was there a worm hole in my closet. Can I get back, though would I want to go back to that place. I'm so confused. Gweebo my imaginary friend might know what to do, I'll ask him.............Damn it no answer..........Gone fishing?!?!, son of a bitch. Well goes to show you that you can't trust an imaginary friend. Stupid bastard, who in their right mind chooses a time like this to leave and go fishing. Oh well time for sleep, it might be better in the morning.

The worst is over for now.

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Okay this is what happened to me so far. I got sucked through a worm hole, and landed through the roof of Sugarcube Corner. I met Pinkie Pie and had a fit, I fainted twice during that encounter. Pinkie then dragged mr through the streets of Ponyville kicking and screaming bloody murder before she dropped me off at her friends house.. errr tree. Good I remembered that so far, then I was being questioned by Twilight Sparkle and I had another fit. I fainted only once that time, so maybe I'm starting to get used to this place. Yeah that's it, I'm getting used to this place. I was dragged over to Fluttershy's cottage by Twilight where it was decided that I should stay there for the night. Gweebo my imaginary friend abandoned me to go fishing, that bastard. And now here I am trying to explain to the girls why I'm like this, I was glad that Pinkie decided to give me space seeing as I'm scared of her. So far I met Pinkie Pie, the Cakes, Twilight Sparkle, Spike and Fluttershy in that order. It's morning now and the mane six are here. I think Rarity was put off by attempts to poke fun at her. That landed me a swift kick to the balls, my god she can hit hard. Applejack was concerned that I might go bananas at any moment, smart girl. Rainbow Dash only laughed when I screamed and ran from Pinkie Pie, I don't think I will get along with her. Twilight tried to convince me that nopony will try to murder me, and that Pinkie won't hurt a fly.

Twilight: "Come on Curtis, Pinkie wont hurt you so stop acting like a filly."

Me: "Easy for you to say, you haven't seen what I've seen let alone go through what I went through."

Twilight: "......."


Twilight: "I'M NOT IN YOUR HEAD!!!"


Twilight: *facehoof*

Applejack: "Must ya always be this paranoid?"

Me: "Holy shit a talking pony"

Applejack: "Yeah ah noticed."

Me: "Holy shit a talking pony."

Everypony: "........"

Rainbow Dash: "I think we broke him."

Me: "Holy shit a talking pony."

Everypony in the room deadpanned. I started to stutter at random as I balled up on the floor. My paranoia strikes again, god I hate my life. It looks like it might take a bit longer to get used to things around here.

After that bit of random shinanigans, Twilight thought it might be a good idea to slowly ease my way into pony society, and to help me get rid of my fear of Pinkie Pie through a direct approach. I still can't believe she would chain my arm to Pinkie. Pinkie thought it might be a great opportunity to try to get to know me. I'll give her an A for effort, but if she makes one move on me I swear.....

Pinkie: "So Curtis where are you from?"

Me: "......"

Pinkie: "What are you anyway?"

Me: "........"

Pinkie: "Why are you so scared of me anyway?"

Me: "God help me."

Okay I have to admit that the direct approach to getting me to stop being scared of Pinkie had helped a little. I managed to stay with her for five minutes without having an episode, see I'm improving. ACKNOWLEDGE ME!!!!

I promise to not brake the fourth wall again. I apologise for causing anybody reading this to shit themselves. Who am I talking to.....My god this is creeping me out. My thoughts are braking the fourth wall, everypony run the end of days is upon us.

Anyway Pinkie stuck out a hoof to try and shake my hand.

Pinkie: "Friends."

Me: *grabs hoof and screams* "IT BURNS!!!!"

Everypony in the town was now looking at us.

Me: "Holy shit talking ponies."

uggg...This is going to be one of those days. You know what I just noticed, my thoughts seem to be smarter than me. What's up with that. I just broke the fourth wall again didn't I......Damn it. I guess it's time for some tunes. *Starts playing "Always look on the bright side of life."*

Everypony is staring at me now. Might as well go with it. *Starts shaking his head side to side to the music* Ahhh.....Much better.

I guess I was too busy being a jackass to notice that everypony in town was staring at me like I was a drunk hobo that just got his hands on some Ridalin. Because last thing I remember was Pinkie dragging me off to Sugarcube Corner.

Battle of wits #1: Lyra

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Okay now I know Pinkie doesn't use meat in her cupcakes now. When she dragged me away from the crowd of staring ponies, she thought that this might be a good thing to do. God damn you creepypasta, god damn you, you lied to me. Though I'm still a tiny bit scared to be alone with her.

Baking went of without a hitch, obviously my eight fingers and two thumbs gives me a huge advantage. Thank you genetics, without you we would still be little blobs in the sea, or was it monkeys. I don't know or even care, I'm better than Pinkie. Though with my hand chained to her torso by a long cord, it was difficult.

Pinkie: "See I knew you would like this."

Me: "Do my fingers intimidate you." *Starts stroking chin*

Pinkie: *Starts to have a giggle fit*

Me: *Sulks in the corner and says while crying* "I wish I was never born."

F*ck my life, I hate it when people laugh at me, it makes me sad.

Pinkie: "Hey now, I didn't mean to hurt your feelings."

Me: "....."

God damn it say something, anything.

Me: "Power armor's for pussies."


Pinkie just looked at me curiously, but shrugged it off. It was lunch time anyway and Pinkie wanted to take me to her favorite cafe. Hey as long as it doesn't serve meat I'm okay with it. Though I think I'm starting to notice something here. Ever since I came here I've been able to think more clearly, and I could swear Pinkie is hiding something from me. I see the way she glances back at me from time to time. Nah, it's probably nothing, or is it. *Dunn dunn dunnnn*

Anyway I shrug it off. You know it's been awhile since I've been able to think to myself lately, I think I might be able to enjoy this. Just me and my thoughts.....

As we were walking down the road, I could have sworn we were being followed. I looked back and I thought I saw a green unicorn, staring at me. The gears in my head started to click as I remembered something. Lyra, oh f*ck, if she notices me here than that could mean only one thing. I know all to well about her obsession with humans. I Picked up my pace, forcing Pinkie to go a little bit faster. I looked back again. Oh shit she spotted me, she's now b-lining for me. I have to lose her, I don't want to be questioned anymore. I've had enough of that with Twilight.

I was about to round a corner when the chain on my arm jerked in the other direction. Pinkie had stopped suddenly and was now trying to talk with Lyra.

Lyra: "Hey Pinkie Pie whose this?"

Pinkie: "Oh hi Lyra, this is Curtis he isn't from around here."

Lyra: "Why is he chained to your torso?"

Pinkie: "Oh this, you see when Curtis first came here he was like CRASH, right through the roof of Sugarcube Corner, then I was Like HI and he was like AHHHHHHHHHHH, and one thing led to another and now he is chained to me."

My god how does she do that. That there is one of the many reasons why I'm scared of her. Oh god no, Lyra is looking at me say something quick.

Lyra: "Hi Curtis what brings you to Ponyville."

Me: "I am the black mage, I cast the spells that make all the peoples fall down."


Lyra: "Uhhh, okay."

Pinkie: "Don't worry Lyra he isn't right in the head, but he won't hurt a fly, the worst he could do is scream in your face."

My god Pinkie, that's the one thing that scares others away. If others new I wasn't right in the head they would turn tail and run. Bad Pinkie bad.

I watched as Lyra turned around and walked away, what could she be thinking right now? Anyway I don't have time for thinking about that, right now I want my coffee. Ahh yes coffee, the one beverage that has five stages of pure epicniss. Stage one: Drowsiness. Stage two: A small buzz. Stage three: The high. Stage four: The downs. And last but not least stage five: The dreaded runs. It might be the best of drinks but it gets you going real quick.

We neared the cafe, which was appropriately named Le Cafe.......Nice touch. I think right now would be a good time to lose myself in the caffeine.

Lesson in friendship #1

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Life in Ponyville shouldn't be this hard. I mean sure I'm random, but I am the way I am for a reason, I hardly think anypony would want to hang out with me. Wait a minute......Why am I thinking about friendship, sure I had barely any friends back home in my world but...... My god I think I'm having an epiphany, I never knew true friendship or love. All my life I had taken advantage of everything and never gained true friendship. Others also took advantage of me all because I couldn't tell if they were my friends or not. I never even knew love, I saw pretty girl after pretty girl and never once did I have the guts to ask them out. The closes I've ever been to a real relationship was this one time a girl decided to take me out to the school dance only to make her actual crush notice her. That bitch....

Of course I was heartbroken. Now that I had time to think about it, I think that was when life started going downhill for me. How long ago was that.... It doesn't matter. Right now I'm enjoying a coffee while being chained to my worst nightmare. I stared out to the street deep in thought.

Pinkie: "Whats wrong"

I didn't notice that I was crying... I quickly shoved that feeling deep inside me, I will not cry ever again......... I smiled and tried to look like nothing ever happened, but Pinkie was not convinced. We stared at each other for a few more awkward minutes. We finished our coffee without a word, Pinkie paid for the drinks and we left. As we walked I thought about my life up to this point. Why am I here? Why am I only just remembering my past now? It never bothered me before, so why now does it choose to? All these questions popped into my head as we walked.

We got to Sugarcube Corner in one piece. Pinkie hummed as she worked, I was silent and deep in thought. Pinkie kept glancing back at me......Do I have something on my face. She looked concerned.

Pinkie: "Okay somthing is on your mind, what is it"

Me: "It's nothing important."

Pinkie: "It must be if your thinking about it that much."

I sighed. Might as well break the ice now, it's not like I could change the past anyway.

Me: "I just realized that I am in a world full of talking ponies."

My god, is that all I can say. God f*ck damn it, I need to tell someone or somepony now, otherwise it will continue to eat away at me. Why can't I just say it.

Pinkie: "Okee dokee lokee."

We continued to work untill closing. Pinkie decided that it might be a good idea for us to go see Twilight. I cursed myself as we walked over to the library. Twilight opened the door and let us in, we sat down as she brought some tea. I never touched mine, I was deep in thought again. Why did my life end up like this? Why did I give up? Pinkie and Twilight talked about the day, I didn't bother listening it wasn't any of my business. Twilight walked up to me with a look of concern.

Twilight: "Curtis you know you can tell us anything, so what's been bothering you lately?"

I sighed. Finally I managed to say what I've been thinking.

Conscience:1 Me: over 9000. I think that's about as accurate I can get with all the times I went ahead without thinking. Just then Twilight said something that startled me.

Twilight: "I think I get it, the reason why you appeared here is because the elements must have sensed that someone was in trouble."

Me: "Huh"

Twilight: "let me explain, the elements of harmony represent the nature of friendship and life, all living things weather it be from this world or not follow the same principle of life. The elements must have taken pitty on you and dragged you here. As to what they want you to do, I'm not sure."

My god......If heads can explode due to f*cked up shit like this happening, then I would be all over the wall right now. How could a couple rocks know about my troubles? It's nonsense I tell you, utter nonsense. If this was a fic then people would be shaking their heads in disbelief at such a stupid plot device. Oh shit I broke the fourth wall again, my fellow bronies I think I'm turning into Pinkie Pie. My worst nightmare is happening.

The two mares stared at me as I started to spasm on the floor.

Twilight: "I think I broke him"

A Freindly Visit

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Besides me being all bummed out due to me remembering that incident in high school, life here is pretty enjoyable. Though me being chained to my worst nightmare does leave something to be desired, I'm pointing at you Pinkameana Dianne Pie.

Anyway with all that aside I decided to go visit Rarity to get some clothes, Pinkie of course followed me. God I hate this chain, damn you Twilight damn you. Though with me being the idiot that I am I kicked the door down and shouted in a sing song voice,


Rarity and Sweetiebell: *Stares at me in shock*

Pinkie: "We're here for clothes."

Me: "Sell me your wares or die."

A friendly visit this is not (Yoda FTW). Now everypony give me a round of applause.

Me: "Curtis Brandstetter, wins again." *Pumps fists up in the air*

Sweetiebell: *Runs upstairs and locks herself in her room*

Me: "I demand a t-shirt, with the words PSYCO DAD on the front in big bold letters."

Rarity: "Don't talk to me like that you ruffian." *Hits me on the head with a ruler* "I will make you your t-shirt but I demand respect."

Me: *Slumps down defeated* "Okay"

Rarity pushed me and Pinkie into the next room, where she got out some measuring tape and started to measure my waist and uper body.

Rarity: "This might be a bit of a challenge for me, mostly because of how err....different you are. But never fear darling I will get your errr...t-shirt ready by this afternoon."

I pat her on the back and say,

Me: "A winner is you."

Engwish not good, brain degrading to nothing. Me grammer not good anymore.............................................

I don't know what happened after that but I awoke on Raritys couch. I was still chained to Pinkie Pie, so I wasn't surprised to see her staring down at me. I also felt an odd pressure on my chest and I could swear I was hearing purring. I looked down to see one of the most ugliest cats I have ever seen. Was that maskara on its eyes, good god Rarity what have you done to this poor......whatever this is. I got up and started to cuddle with the cat on my lap.

Pinkie: "You scared us back there, you were all like ugggghhhh and you fell to the ground CRASH and was like out for like hours. It's now the afternoon so Rarity will be coming out with your shirt soon."

I swear to god that she isn't normal. How can she do that. The cat playfuly nipped my finger, but I somehow took that as a threat.

Me: *Picks up cat and throws it* "Do not want!"

Rarity comes out of her studio at the same time with a t-shirt being held up by magic.

Rarity: "All right darling your shirt is done, that will be....*Shreak*"

The cat lands claws bared ontop of her head. If you were here I could tell you the scene was pretty funny. Rarity was gibbering like mad with the cat on her head, crashing and knocking things over left and right. I quickly grab the shirt and book it out the door, Pinkie was right behind me as usual. I have a feeling Rarity won't like me now.

Me and Pinkie were walking the streets of Ponyville, I was wearing my new t-shirt with pride. The words PSYCO DAD were printed in big black letters. I should say Rarity outdone herself, ponies left and right turned their heads to look at me. All their mouths hit the floor as they stared at me. Yep today was a good day.

School Day

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As Pinkie and I walked out to the school yard, I couldn't help but feel a bit nervous. Yesterday after the Rarity fiasco Miss. Cheeralee asked me to come by to her classroom the next day for a lesson. I don't think she liked my PSYCO DAD t-shirt because she kept stammering and staring at it. I made a promise to wear it the next day to see her reaction again, mostly because I thought it was amusing. Oh and I should also mention starting today I'm moving into Sugarcube Corner, mostly because both Fluttershy and Twilight said I couldn't be trusted without the chain, they kept saying that it was for the good of all Equestria. Okay so maybe I overeacted to Angel trying to assert his dominance on me. So I tied him to a tree branch while dancing around him with a bat saying "WELCOME TO THE PAINYATA BUNNY", which I should say is the most epic line I've said. So all this just happened when they removed the chain from me, so what if Fluttershy doesn't want to be within twenty feet of me. It's all good, right.

Wrong, now I'm forever going to be chained to my worst nightmare, and I'm going to have to sleep in the same room as her, so yeah I am nervous.

Anyway, I'm wearing my PSYCO DAD shirt as we go into the school, I stop at the front entrance and drag Pinkie back outside, I have a great idea.

You know, maybe I shouldn't trust my ideas. I managed to scare half the class and piss off Miss. Cheeralee at the same time. You want to know what I did, I jumped and crashed through the window during one of her lessons. Supposedly I wasn't supposed to come until mid day. So imagine this picture, a teacher is teaching a class of fourth graders when a complete stranger just decides to barge in through the window for the hell of it. Yeah I don't think Miss. Cheeralee will be asking me to help her with lessons that much anymore.

So she decides that since I'm here we might as well get the lesson done early. So here is what I'm supposed to do, I have to answer questions that the foals ask me. Sounds easy right, well knowing me this might end up going up in smoke.

Cheeralee: "Well class, Mr. Brandstetter here has agreed to answer some questions today. Though since he decided to crash right through my window, that will fifty bits to replace by the way, we will be starting the lesson early. Now everypony say hello to Curtis."

Class: "Hi Curtis."

Me: "Miss. Cheeralee are we starting yet."

We're doomed.

Applebloom: "Why does yer shirt say PSYCO DAD?"

Me: "Because it's cooler that way."

Scootaloo: "How come you were running out from Rarity's the other day?"

Me: "Some things happened, I wish not to discuss them right now."

Sweetibell: "How come my big sis was cursing your name after you left, and when are you going to pay for that shirt?"

Me: "Never."

By this point Cheeralee was probably regretting inviting me here as I seen her face hoof herself.

Snips and Snails: "Why are you chained to Pinkie?"

Pinkie: "Because he can't be trusted alone."

Me: "Hey I'm answering the questions here."

Cheeralee: *Laughs and snorts* "Obviously"

Me: "Shut up."

Cheeralee: *glares*

Class: *giggles*

Diamond Tiara: "Why are you such a freak?"

Me: "Why do you suck so much? NEXT!"

Diamond Tiara: "Hey you can't talk to me like that, I'll tell my daddy on you!"

Me: "Your daddy's my bitch, NEXT!"

Class: *Laughs*

Diamond Tiara: *Slumps down defeated*

By this point Miss. Cheeralee was banging her head on the wall.

Me: "Miss. Cheeralee, do I intimidate you?"

Miss. Cheeralee: "Right class is done early for the day lets go." *pushes me out the door*

Well that went well, I wonder when she will be asking me to do that again.

Battle of wits #2 Celestia

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Okay so the school visit was a bust, Miss. Cheeralee ordered a restraning order on me. Apparently I'm not aloud near the school house anymore. I'm such a good person.

Pinkie and I were walking to Twilights house because she got a letter from some princess who says she wants to meet me. I can only imagine how that would turn out. When we got there a carriage was parked perfectly to the side, a couple guards were waiting for me and Pinkie, who is still chained to my arm......Good god I want out of this thing.

Guard 1: "Are you the human."

Me: "No, she is." *points to Pinkie*

Guard 1: *Glares at me*

Guard 2: "Her majesty asked us to bring you and your friend up to the castle."

Me: "Can I try on your hat?"

Guard 2: "No."

Me: "Okay."

And they say speech is a dying art. The guards eye my PSYCO DAD t-shirt and exchange nervous glances. They motion us to get in the carriage, and take off without a word once we are on. As we were flying through the air Pinkie kept glancing back at me. What the hell does she want, what's so interesting about me that she has to look every five minutes. Good god it's making me nervous, or is that gas.

We land near the castle and are led inside, again guards left and right were eyeing my t-shirt with scared looks on their faces. We are then led into the throne room and standing before me had to be the most buitiful thing I have ever saw.

Me: "Look a red carpet!" *Points to the ground*

We hear a giggle in front of us. Celestia looked down at me with wonder.

Me: "And there's her." *Points to Celestia*

Please god please let her have a sense of humor.

Celestia: "He's a funny one isn't he."

Thank you.

She had a motherly tone to her voice and it made me feel calm. Now please god don't let me say anything stupid please.

Celestia: "So your the human my student has been writing about these past few days."

It's only been two days but who's counting.

Me "Curtis Brandstetter, destroyer of worlds at your service." *I take a bow*

F*ck, I did it again.

Pinkie: "He's only saying that to get attention your majesty."

Thank you Pinkameana. An awkward silence filled the air as the princess eyed me with worry.

Pinkie: "He's special, your majesty."

Celestia: "Oh, ummm....sorry to hear that."

Me: "Thats what my doctor said, and then he died."

More awkward silence.

Pinkie: "He calls his disorder Aspergers, says it effects the brain."

Oh, yeah I forgot I told her that, note to self watch out for Pinkie Pie.

Celestia: "Oh, I've heard of that. Not to worry some ponies get that too, they say it effects the way you interact with others, and other things." *Gives me a polite smile*

Wow, ponies have autismn, I never even knew that. The more you know.

Celestia: "Ummm, Pinkie why is he chained to your torso?"

Pinkie: "Twilight says it's so that he never destroys Ponyville, and that he can't be trusted alone."

Celestia: "You mean to tell me that my student has been treating him like a monster." *She gives me a sad look*

Pinkie: "Yup, yup, yup."

Celestia: *Sighs* "Guards unchain them this instant."

A guard comes in and walks up to us.

Guard: "Are you sure that's safe your majesty, I have heard the rumors about him. They say he is like a time bomb that can go off at any moment."


Wow, that royal canterlot voice sure packs a punch. My ears are ringing. The guard flinches in surprise and then unchains us. Finally freedom, I rub my wrist and silently thank her.

Celestia: "Pinkie I want you to stay with this human and keep an eye on him. You are now his social worker. In the meantime I will send some files to the mayor of Ponyville, hopefully it would educate the public on his disorder."

Pinkie: "Okee dokee lokee."

Celestia: "Curtis, I apologise in advance for the way my student and all of Ponyville have treated you thus far. I'm afraid your condition is not something that most ponies know about, anyway welcome to Equestria."

To be honest, I don't know what to say, I finally met someone other than my mother or my brother that knows about Aspergers. I think I might actually get along with her.

Celestia: "Oh and Pinkie."

Pinkie: "Yes princess."

Celestia: "As his social worker I want you to keep a detailed report on his behavior, and anything about him."

Pinkie: "Huh, but isn't that Twilights job?"

Celestia: "With the way she has been acting around him, I don't think I could trust her near him."

Pinkie: "Ohhhh, Okay. But why choose me?"

Celestia: "Because I've noticed that you despite his behavior around other ponies have stuck with him. I don't see anypony else that I would trust him with."

Pinkie: "Okay"

You know this raises some questions, why would the princess take interest in me, and why isn't she going all "I don't like you. Your dangerous", on me? Could she be somehow responsible for me being hear. I know that Twilight said that it was the elements of harmony, but I still doubt it.

Celestia: "Anyway, I would greatly appreciate it if you two could stay the night. I will get a room ready for you and everything."

Okay, now I'm suspicious. This can't be a coincidence. I have to ask her.

Me: "Princess if you don't mind me asking, but are you somewhat responsible for me being hear, and why go to the trouble of giving both me and *cough*myworstnightmare *cough* Pinkie?"

Celestia seemed to be taken aback by my spontaneous increase in brain power. I mean this is the first time in ten years that I've been able to finally act somewhat normal. Give me a pat on the back my fellow bronies, I think I deserve it. Also I would like to mention the look on Pinkie's face, her jaw just hit the floor. Priceless.

Celestia: "That's a pretty big accusation Curtis, though I can tell you that no I am not responsible for you bing hear. I will forgive you for what you said though, as it's only natural for you to think that."

Me: "Thank god your not going to chop me up into little bits and eat them."

F*ck, well it was fun while it lasted. Celestia let out a giggle and told the guards to lead both me and Pinkie to our rooms. This is getting more and more complicated, I need to do a bit more investigating later. I must know the truth.

Lesson in Friendship #2

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I wasn't sure how I felt at this moment. Sure I was now free of that chain, but it also has grown to be a part of me. I might be scared of Pinkie, but at the same time I've grown to like her as a friend. All these feelings inside of me were making me feel depressed. Hard to believe that since I've landed in Equestria I have been given alot more time to think about myself. Back on earth I was always the clown, the outcast or the shadow. I never really did anything to deserve recognition by others. I spent most of my life moving from town to town, city to city, I never really had the time to make friends.

I sat down on the balcony outside my room. The sunset was buitiful today, Luna really outdid herself this time. Pinkie was beside me, enjoying my company. I felt terrible about the way things went when I first came here. A tear went down my face as I went deep into thought.

Pinkie: "Curtis is something wrong?"

Me: "It's nothing."

Not true, I just didn't want to talk about it.

Pinkie: "Come on Curtis, I know somethings up, tell me, tell me."

I sighed and let out a deep breath.

Me: "Pinkie I feel terrible, I wasn't completely honest about how I felt the other day."

Pinkie: "So what's up?"

I felt a lump in my throat form as I struggled to find the words.

Me: "This quirky persona that I have shown so far isn't who I am as a person. You see ten years ago, I was nine at the time, I was diagnosed with autismn and depression. At the time I didn't understand what was going on, and I suffered because of it."

Pinkie just stared at me as I talked. My words being drilled into her mind.

Me: "After a while the strain of trying to fit in with a society that demands you to be normal caused me to snap. I grew violent and lashed out at others over the simplest of things. I was then taken from my family and put into a mental home where I lived most of my life in solitude."

I noticed Pinkie starting to tear up, but I still continued. I needed to tell someone or somepony.

Me: "I felt that all that happened so far was my fault. I soon developed a split personality to shield me from the gult I felt inside. I became random, I lost control of myself at times and just let it all loose. I grew oblivious to the fact that I hurt others because of my actions, but whenever someone called me on it all those feelings of gult came back. I grew bitter and I only acted weird to hide my sadness deep inside. But then I came here, I tried to keep my feelings deep inside me here too. I didn't want anyone to know about my past, and it's only just recently started to come back to haunt me. All those things I did, was to hide myself from the world, from me and the feelings of gult that I felt."

What happened next took me by surprise. Pinkie launched herself at me and put me in a big bear hug.

Pinkie: "Why didn't you say so earlier, you know you can trust me and my friends."

Me: "That's just it Pinkie, I can't trust anyone. I never had a true friend in my life and I doubt that I ever will."

That last sentence stung me.

Pinkie: "That's not true, sure you may feel sad inside, but you have me. I won't let you beat yourself up over the past, you can tell me anything."

I couldn't help but smile at those words. Those kind words, it's been ten long years since I have heard words like those. I hugged Pinkie back.

Me: "Thank you, I promise not to keep anything from you or your friends ever again. I might be different from now on but I'm still that same random person you've met two days ago. You have been the first person I told this to, but please keep it between us okay. I don't want the others to know."

Pinkie: "Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye, I promise to keep this between us."

Ahh yes the fabled Pinkie promise, I've only heard this once in the show. I never thought I will hear it again. Somehow I felt calm and at peace. It was about time my story was told, and somehow I think it's for the best. I sense the beginning of a buitiful friendship.

A Fresh Start

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I never felt this happy in my entire life. Ever since I told Pinkie about my past, I've been having less and less episodes. Though I'm still the random kind of guy she came to know, even if I think about my actions more. She kept true to her promise and told nopony about what was said, and I respect her for that. I quickly got over my fear of her since that day.

Once we went back to Ponyville, I composed a list of ponies that I wronged in the last few days. Now lets see first on the list....

Diamond Tiara..... I was about to apologise to her but quickly thought otherwise. She deserves it for now as she was bullying the CMC. I had Twilight write a letter to Miss. Cheeralee for me. Attached to the letter was fifty bits, to replace the window I broke. Hopefully she forgives me.

Twilight was also wondering why the chain was removed, and also about the angry letter she got from the princess.

Twilight: "Why did the princess send me this letter?"

Me: "Because you were such a jerk to me."

Twilight: "........."

Me: "Anyway she asked me to give you this."

I pull out a small booklet with the title, "So your friend has autismn.", and I smacked her upside the head with it. I quickly booked it before she could retaliate.

Twilight wasn't the only one who got a booklet, the princess sent everypony in town one, and Miss. Cheeralee had to give a lesson on it to her class. I didn't complain though, as everypony now knows why I'm so random. I went to Rarity's boutique to give her the twenty bits I owed her, and to formally apologise to Opal for throwing her. The stupid cat just ran away from me.

Now I was walking to Fluttershy's cottage to say I'm sorry to both her and angel for traumatizing both of them. Angel now has a fear of ropes and bats because of it. Fluttershy was not to eager to speak with me but she listened anyway. I apologised and went on my way, out of respect for her feelings I should add.

I passed Diamond Tiara and gave her the one finger salute to express how I felt about her. Lets just say she now has a new word to add to her vocabulary, if ya know what I mean. I think I'll put off that apology to her for now.

Pinkie is now my social worker. She keeps tabs on my behavior, and tries to find ways to get me to behave. So far the cupcake reward is going great, for now. I too was given an assignment by Celestia, I am supposed to learn how to control my behavior around other ponies and I have to learn how to make friends. This almost reminds me of the first episode of MLP FiM, but I could be wrong. I'm still wondering why I'm here and how I got here, but I will put off the investigation for now.

Right now I'm just enjoying my stay in Ponyville and I'm alos enjoying the benefits of tormenting Diamond Tiara. Yes, I can tell this is going to be fun.

Picnic with Friends

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My first ever picnic with friends. You could only imagine how exited I was when Twilight came over to Sugarcube Corner and invited both me and Pinkie, I was literally bouncing off the walls. Though I think it also had to do with the high sugar diet I've been having.

We found a spot near a small lake, as we sat in the shade of the only tree there, Twilight and her friends took the opportunity to get to know me more. So far the only thing that they know about me is my disability, thanks to the booklets the princess sent them. I believe Twilight was the first to ask me a question.

Twilight: "So Curtis, before you came to Ponyville, where did you live before?"

Me: "Well....lets just say it wasn't a nice place."

Rarity: "Come now Darling, surely you can tell us more."

Me: "Fine....It was a place where people who have no other place to go live. Most of the residents there were, drug addicts and criminals with the occasional special case here and there."

Fluttershy: "That sounds awful."

Me: "Well yeah sure it was awful, but most days were actually very amusing."

Applejack: "How in the hay, can something so awful be amusing?"

Twilight: "Applejacks right on this one Curtis, from what you told us this place sounds like more of an institution for the mentally challenged and criminally insane."

Me: "That's exactly what made it amusing, it was never a dull moment. It was funny to watch the residents react to the simplest of things. I believe one time a resident locked another resident in the bathroom, all because he didn't flush the toilet. Throughout the rest of the day the guy just sat there smelling his own fecal matter while muttering about how bad it smelled in there."

Twilight: "That's just cruel. How can you find something like that funny?"

Me: "The guy in question was nothing but a jerk to the staff and the other residents, I believe he deserved what he got."

Rainbow Dash: "You seem to have a twisted sense of justice Curtis, though I have to admit I would have laughed too if I was there."

Me: "It only gets better, another day I looked out the window to my room to see Bruce pretending to be a ninja. All he did was make sound effects as he punched and kicked the air."

Pinkie: "That does sound funny. But is there anything you miss about the place?"

Me: "Hell no, the residents barely had half a brain, and the most rewarding conversation I ever had there was with a mentally challenged fogee who always shit himself at the worst possible times, and don't get me started on how there hygiene is. I mean good god I can't even take two steps into a bathroom without stepping in some spilled urine or seeing that the toilet is covered in blood and crap."

Rarity: "My god, how did you manage to survive in such a messy place?"

Me: "Two words...anti-bacterial spray. Well that and I beat the living crap out of anyone who didn't flush."

Twilight: "Okay lets stop talking about dirty bathrooms, some of us are trying to eat."

Me: "And the staff was god awful. Not only were they as stupid as the residents, most of them didn't exactly enjoy working there, also the food was disgusting. Not only was it burnt but they put meat in the dishes and I'm a vegetarian, I can't eat meat, most of the time I ended up starving myself all because the cooks didn't care about my dietary needs. I should also mention they drugged the food to control the residents easyer. It wasn't a good place to live I'll tell you that."

Everyponies mouths dropped at what I said.

Me: "What?"

Twilight: "I err.... Don't know what to say."

Rainbow Dash: " just wow."

Pinkie: "........"

Fluttershy: "I'm....umm....sorry to hear about that........."

Applejack: "And nopony even cared about what was happenin in that there place?"

Me: "Pretty much. We were the dirt of society, no one even cared about us. It was all like, Lets put all the scum together and forget about them. So yeah it was pretty bad."

Rarity: "That's just awful, how can they get away with such a horrific act."

Me: "It's all the governments fault actually, they are the ones who put us in there."

Pinkie: "Oh my god."

Twilight: "But why would your leaders do that?"

Me: "I believe it's because they just don't care. It's all for the money, and to get the taxpayers vote in the next election."

An awkward silence was all that was there. Birds chirped out in the distance as we all stared at each other. Well this picnic was ruined, all thanks to my big mouth. We ate in silence before Twilight spoke again.

Twilight: "So ummm...lets change the subject."

All: "Right"

Rainbow Dash: "So, Curtis any idea on why you act like a clown?"

Rarity: "Rainbow Dash!, I'm shocked that you would ask such a thing."

Pinkie: "Oh, oh. I know, I know."

Rainbow Dash: "You do?, then spill it."

Pinkie: "It's a secret. Only me and Curtis know."

Rainbow Dash: "Oh, come on. That's not fair."

Everybody seemed to laugh at what just happened. The mood of picnic cheered up a bit as we continued to talk and eat. It amazes me on how Pinkie can make everyone smile and laugh with nothing but a word. The picnic was saved, and the rest of the day went well.


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I must say, the past few days have been the best I've ever had. Rainbow Dash came by today and invited both me and Pinkie Pie for a fun filled day of pranks. I decided to share a couple of my personal favorites with them.

Rainbow Dash: "So let me get this straight, we sneak into Rarity's house while she has one of her buitey naps and drag her and the mattress out to the lake and push them in."

Me: "Yup."

Rainbow Dash: "And Sweetiebelle is in on this?"

Me: "Her and the CMC."

Rainbow Dash: "And Applejack agreed to help to?"

Pinkie: "Yuperoonee."

Rainbow Dash: "Well then what are we waiting for lets go."

We ran with exitment to the boutique, where the CMC and Applejack were waiting. I noticed another pony there too.

Me: "Twilight!? What are you doing here."

Twilight: "Applejack told me about the prank and I thought I might be of some help."

Me: "Well okay, can you teleport Rarity and her mattress outside?"

Twilight: "Of course I can, but I need to be close to the pony in question."

Me: "Fine. Sweetiebelle open the door please."

Sweetiebelle: "Okay Twilight follow me."

She led Twilight to the door and let her in. We waited outside for what seemed like a few minutes when, a sleeping Rarity popped into existence.

Twilight: "See I told you I can do it."

Me: "I never doubted you, all right Applejack, Pinkie, Rainbow Dash and the CMC, you will help me carry her to the lake. On my mark we pick her up. Ready. Steady. Go!"

We picked her up and carried her out to the lake by Fluttershy's cottage. She didn't pay us any attention as she was busy tending to her chickens. All the while I heard giggles coming from the three fillies.

We got to the lake and we set Rarity down by the shore and pushed her out. The mattress floated out to the middle of the lake and stayed there.

Rainbow Dash: "Now what."

Me: "Now we wait."

And wait we did. All of us sat there staring at the snoring mare, Fluttershy came along and offered us some drinks, which we accepted of course. After what seemed like hours, Rainbow Dash started to grow impatient.

Rainbow Dash: "Come on! When is she going to wake up."

Me: "In due time Dash, we just have to wait."

Rainbow Dash: "But I'm tired of waiting."

Scootaloo: "Shhh, quiet she's waking up."

Just as she said, Rarity was starting get up. She streatched and let out a yawn. The CMC were giggling like mad as she walked out to the edge of her mattress. She let out a scream as she fell into the water. The eight of us burst out laughing as she struggled back onto the mattress. Again she fell in, this kept up for five minutes until she finally got back up. She looked over to us with a glare, water dripping from her mane. I let out an epic one liner which only made her mad.

Me: "Hey Drippy, how's the water."

Rarity: "Curtis! I'll get you for this!"

She walked out to the edge again but fell in the water. This was too much for everyone as we burst out laughing again.

Sweetiebelle: "I got you, I got you."

Applejack: "This is just too much, I..... Oh sweet Celestia that there's funny."

Applebloom: "You said it sis."

Twilight: "I....I have to get a picture of this."

Pinkie: *pulls out a picture from nowhere* "Here you go Twilight."

Rainbow Dash: "Wow that was worth the wait."

We All continued to laugh as Rarity kept getting up and falling into the river. Today was the best day ever.

Battle of wits #3 Trixie

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I think Pinkie has a crush on me, and it's making me uncomfortable. The other day I saw her blush at the sight of me, and she seems to be staring at me more and more. This morning I managed to get away from her, and as I was walking the streets of Ponyville I noticed something was off.

Everypony in town were huddled together in the center of town, I saw a stage in the middle and went to investigate. I stopped by Applejack and asked,

Me: "What's going on, is there some sort of circus happening now?"

Applejack: "I'm afraid not sugarcube, it's that there scallywag Trixie."

Trixie, I've heard that name before. She was that bitch from the show, I never really liked her.

Trixie: "Come one, come all, to see the great and powerful Trixie perform her superb tricks. Be prepared to be dazzled by my advance magic skills. I will be signing autographs after the show, for five bits per person."

Her eyes turned to me and she said.

Trixie: "You there, the freak ape, come up here and be amazed by the great and powerful Trixie."

Now I'm normally a calm guy, but I never wanted to murder someone so much in my life. I decided to play along and I went up to the stage, I felt the eyes of everypony staring at me.

Trixie: "Now I will show you a deck of cards, I want you to pick a card and put it back in the deck, I will then try to pick your card. Did you understand all that."

Me: "Oh of course, I'm not as big of an idiot as you."

Everypony laughed.

Trixie: "Trixie will let that slide for now, try not to do it again."

Me: "Of course Curtis will never think of doing that to the all powerful Trixie."

Everypony laughed again. Trixie blushed in anger at my comment.

Trixie: "Just pick your card."

I picked a card, it was the queen of diamonds. I put it back into the deck. Trixie then shuffled it and pulled out a card. It was the ace of spades.

Trixie: "Is this your card."

Me: "No. It was the queen of diamonds, that is the ace of spades. Can I go now your boring me."

Trixie was surprised at me for pointing out that she screwed up a trick in front of an audience. She quickly threw away the cards and got a large box, and some assorted swords. I knew this trick inside and out and I couldn't wait to screw it up for her. She opened the door and motioned for me to go inside. I did and the door was closed.

Trixie: "Now mares and gentlecolts, I the great and powerful Trixie will stab this box with these swords. But don't worry, the ape will be okay."

Now for those of you who don't know, there is a hidden door in the back of the box, though the trick didn't call for me to use it I did anyway. I peeked my head out from behind the box and motioned to the audience to stay quiet. Trixie of course didn't notice me. I saw a couple ponies fight back giggles as they got the idea I was about to do something funny.

Once Trixie was done stabbing the box with all the swords, she removed them. She let out a gasp of surprise when she found out I wasn't there. As she poked her head inside I snuck up behind her and pushed her inside. I slammed the door and pushed it on its side to prevent escape from the back. I then sat down on top of the box, completely sealing her inside.

The crowd roared with laughter. Trixie slammed a hoof on the door.

Trixie: "Let me out of here you dodo."

Me: "Looks like this here freak ape has just outsmarted and outwitted you at the same time."

Trixie screamed in rage and violently started pounding on the frame of the box. I replied with a few knocks of my own. The crowd of ponies hit the floor laughing at my display. Trixie let out another scream of rage.


Me: "You have to kiss my ass first."

The crowd nearly wet themselves, as Trixie screamed like a little filly. I had my fun so I just got up and went away, leaving Trixie to deal with the crowd of laughing ponies. Applejack slapped me on the back and laughed.

Applejack: "Oh my.....I ain't never seen nopony do that before. That there really tickled mah sides."

She tipped her hat to me as I bowed down. I was glad that I was able to have some fun today, even if it was at another ponies expense. Now I think I will deal with Pinkie.

The end

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I learned so much since I came to Equestria, I know it's only been a few days but.....dare I say it, I think it's time for this story to end.

I sighed as I walked into Sugarcube Corner, only one thing on my mind and that was Pinkie. I was wondering why she kept staring at me as we spent our time together, you might call it paranoia but I call it getting an answer. I went upstairs and I knocked on the door.

I thought I could hear sniffling coming from the other side.

Pinkie: "Come in."

I opened the door to see a very sad Pinkie Pie, I know I wanted to ask her about why she kept staring at me but now, I'm starting to have second thoughts. I knew something was wrong so I went up to her and I put my hand on her shoulder.

Me: "Pinkie what's wrong this isn't like you."

She sniffed and stared at me.

Pinkie: "Curtis, a few days ago I did something terrible, I didn't want to tell anypony for fear that they would all hate me."

Okay now my interest is peeked.

Me: "Do you want to talk about it?"

Pinkie shooked her head.

Me: "Come now, you told me I can tell you anything thats bothering me, so I think it's only fair that you do the same."

Pinkie: "Do you promise not to tell anypony."

Me: "Cross my heart and hope to fly."

This seemed to cheer her up a bit as she gave me a sad smile.

Pinkie: "Curtis, please don't get mad but, I might have brought you here."

Those words smacked me hard in the face. I froze as she continued.

Pinkie: "You see it all started when Twilight shown me a book on different dimensions. She shown me ways that can allow anypony to see the different worlds. At first I wasn't all that interested, but then she found one world in particular that got me interested."

I listened closely, right now I was about to get the truth on how I got here.

Pinkie: "Earth as it was called, looked so interesting, I mean a world populated by talking apes, both me and Twilight couldn't believe our eyes. Lyra was right, humans did exist and we were staring directly at them."

Lyra....I knew she might have had something to do with this.

Pinkie: "It was then I saw someone in particular. At first I didn't know what I was feeling at the time, but I quickly came to realise that I loved this person. It saddened me to see this person suffer so I had Twilight pull him out of his world and into Equestria."

Only an idiot wouldn't have guessed that this person was me. Wait a minute...Pinkie loves me. I didn't know weather to feel creeped out or flattered by her statement, so I let her continue.

Pinkie: "At first I thought the spell didn't work, so I went back home, only to find that person crashing through the roof of my room."

Heh, yeah that was kinda funny if you think about it, but it still hurt. Pinkie was about to continue with this bombshell, when I hugged her close.

Me: "That person was me wasn't it."

Pinkie nodded.

Pinkie: "I'm so sorry Curtis, I didn't mean to, I was being selfish and I wasn't thinking, I've been a bad pony for not telling you sooner, I....."

I hugged her again, and this seemed to quiet her down.

Me: "It's okay Pinkie, I didn't really like that world anyway. If I had stayed there I would have become a bitter old man. But thanks to you, I can live out the rest of my days in happiness. If I hadn't have come here I would have never have learned the power of friendship. In fact I should thank you for helping me get out of my shell."

Tears were streaming down my face and Pinkie's. We hugged each other close as we sat there crying.

After a good minute or so, we stopped. Pinkie looked at me and she smiled, I couldn't help but smile too. She hugged me again and said,

Pinkie: "Thank you."

At this point we left and headed downstairs. Then I asked a stupid question...

Me: "So how long were you going to keep this a secret from me?"

That's me in a nutshell folks, I can ruin just about any situation with just a few words. Pinkie only laughed and gave me a playful nudge.

Pinkie: "I was going to tell you eventually, but I guess the gult must have caught up with me."

Me: "Yeah I noticed."

We shared a quick laugh as we left out the door.

Pinkie's taking me out to her favorite cafe again. I should really get her back for doing this, maybe I should put a bug in her coffee when she isn't looking.


I'm Back

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When we last left our hero, he gained the power of friendship and became the super mega awesome superstar astronaut in a tutu. He then fought long and hard battles across time and space itself. We now join.........

Uggg, what happened? Must have dozed off. Anyway I'm back and ready to kick some evil in the balls.

I woke up with a cold sweat in the spare room of Sugarcube Corner. I walked into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. Pretty handsome devil if I do say so myself. I washed my face and found my PSYCO DAD shirt and put that on.

It was early morning so Pinkie will be making breakfast as usual.

I walked downstairs and came to the table, the Cakes were sitting across from me, and Pinkie was in the kitchen. We said our mornings as Pinkie Pie walked in with a tray of buttered toast. We ate in silence, to bad the kids weren't here. They were upstairs and sound asleep, so we couldn't make a sound.

Just then Rainbow Dash came bursting through the door. I heard crying upstairs, and both Mr and Miss. Cake ran upstairs to calm the foals down.

Me: "Bad timing RD, you woke the gremlins."

Pinkie giggled at my joke.

Rainbow Dash: "Never mind about that, I just found something cool."

Pinkie: "Oh oh what is it. Tell me Tell me!"

Rainbow Dash: "You to follow me and I'll show you."

We ran out the door with Rainbow Dash, and soon we came to the edge of the Everfree. What I saw had to be the most epic thing I've seen.

Me: "Sweet a catapult!"

Pinkie: "Does it work?"

Rainbow Dash: "Maybe, lets find out."

We nodded in agreement as we searched the area for any ammo.

Pinkie and Rainbow Dash soon gave up, but I managed to find something. I came back carrying Opal, who I found resting under a tree.

Pinkie and Rainbow Dash aimed the catapult and I loaded our *Ahem* living bullet onto the device. I pulled the trigger and boom. Opal was sent flying through the air screaming bloody murder as she flew towards the Boutique. We froze with fear when we heard glass breaking, and soon it was followed by a loud scream.

Me: "Lets get out of here before Rarity finds us."

Both: "Ditto"

Me: "Cheese it."

We ran like there was no tomorrow through the streets of Ponyville. I could swear I heard Rarity shout my name. Better leave her alone for a while.

The rest of the day went pretty well. At least until I got a threatening letter from Rarity. I will not copy the letter into this fic because of the very colorful language she used. I ran upstairs and hid in my room as Pinkie trotted into my room with a smile on her face.

Pinkie: "I can't believe I forgot to throw you a welcome party. Meet me at Applejacks for a surprise tomorrow after noon."

Wow now that she mentioned it, she never threw me a Pinkie Party ever since I got here. Might as well go.

It's great to be back.

Enter Death Kitty :3

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You know what....I want a pet. I know it seems selfish but, I want a pet.

Anyway I just finished my first Pinkie party, I was sick later because I won the cupcake eating contest. Over 9000 cupcakes are now in my belly. Well I should say now they are over Rarity as I threw up on her by mistake, and now I'm being chased through the streets by an angry unicorn.

I managed to escape her by ducking into a bush by the everfree. It was then Fluttershy found me.

Fluttershy: "Oh...hey Curtis."

Me: "Uhhhh, Hi?"

I wasn't expecting her to be here.

Me: "Fluttershy can I ask you something?"

Fluttershy: "Sure"

Me: "Can I buy an animal off you?"

Fluttershy: "You mean like a pet?"

Me: "Yep"

Fluttershy: "Well...I don't sell any animals..... but I can give you one."

She then grabbed my arm and pulled me to her cottage.

Fluttershy: "Any particular animal that you want?"

Me: "Well the only pet I ever had was a cat...."

She didn't give me a chance to finish, as she zoomed off and came back with an armful of kittens. D'awwwwwwwwwwwwwwww, my heart just melted into goo. She lined them up and gave me room to make my selection.

It was then I saw him.....The pet of my dreams. It was a pitch black cat with evil red eyes and a nasty grin on it's face that screamed "I'm going to kill you in your dreams".

Me: "I want the evil looking one."

Fluttershy looked at the cat and shivered.

Fluttershy: "Are you sure you want this one, it can be a handful........."

Me: "I want the death kitty please."

Fluttershy: "Death Kitty?"

Me: "Yeah it has to have a name, right Death Kitty."

The cat gave me a grin as if to say "you will live".

Me: "See it likes it."

Fluttershy: "Okay?"

I picked up Death Kitty and walked away.

Me: "I can't wait to sick you on Opal."

Death Kitty seemed to like that idea and it purred in my arms.

I got to the boutique and I kicked the door down again.


Death Kitty: "meow"

Rarity: "Don't you dare!"

Me: "Death Kitty away!"

Death Kitty jumped out of my arms and ran upstairs. I then heard the sounds of cats fighting.

Opal ran downstairs and out the door as Death Kitty jumped back into my arms and purred.

Me: "Have a good fight?"

Death Kitty: "meow"

Rarity: "GET OUT!"

I ran outside, narrowly dodging a frying pan aimed at my head. I laughed as I let Death Kitty run beside me.

Me: "Oh man I'm going to have some fun with you."

Death Kitty: "meow"

We ran past the school house as I let Death Kitty chase Diamond Tiara across the yard.

Me: "Go Death Kitty go!"

Diamond Tiara: *screams and runs* "Get away from me!"

The rest of the day was just me and Death Kitty causing mayhem around Ponyville.

As we left behind the burning remains of a vegetable stand we were stopped in our tracks by an angry looking Fluttershy.

Fluttershy: "When I let you have a pet, this was not what I had in mind! I'm taking the kitten back now!"

I looked at Death Kitty and then pointed at Fluttershy. Death Kitty then lunged at her claws extended, and Fluttershy screamed and ran away.

Fluttershy: "Okay okay you can keep him!"

Death Kitty jumped into my arms as we walked back to Sugarcube Corner. I wonder how the Cakes would like having Death Kitty around the house?

One Week Later/The Test

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Well it's been one hell of a week. This is what happened:

Day 1- Death Kitty was introduced to the Cakes, they didn't like him that much after he tried to rip Mr. Cakes eyebrows off.

Day 2- Just received a letter from the princess. I have an IQ test in six more days. My examiner is princess Luna. Death Kitty scared Mr. Cake this morning in bed.

Day 3- Fluttershy came by for a visit. She quickly ran away after Death Kitty tripped Mr. Cake down the stairs. I guess I'll see him next fall *trollface*.

Day 4- Mr. Cake had one of his eyebrows yanked off by Death Kitty, Pinkie Pie treated me out to lunch that day. We went to Mcponies, she is my social worker after all.

Day 5- Death Kitty strikes again. This time from the air ducts. I'm starting to think that Mr. Cake is developing a fear of him.

Day 6- Mr. Cake now refers to Death Kitty as "The Little Demon". I think Death Kitty loved that name as he started using his leg as a scratching post.

Day 7- Tomorrow's the day of the test. Pinkie and I were picked up by the royal guards to stay the night at the castle before the test. Death Kitty came too, and is that Mr. Cakes other eyebrow in his mouth. Oh well, sucks to be him.

Now back to the present. I was in the study, waiting for Luna to come with some charts to record my smarts as she says. She came trotting through the door with Death Kitty holding onto her tail while being dragged across the floor. Looks like he wanted to play with her tail, he is a kitten by the way.

She put down a few IQ puzzles in front of me and got a chart ready. Death Kitty was now batting at her tail as it wiggled in the magic wind that normally surrounds alicorns.

Luna: "Right, my sister has informed me of your condition, and as it's the law you will need to complete an IQ test to see ifyou can be around other ponies."

I just listened to her. Death Kitty was still playing with her tail.

Luna: "I would appreciate it if your cat would stop doing that."

Me: "Death Kitty come here."

Death Kitty gave me a loving look and ran to me. He laid down on my lap and started to purr.

Death Kitty: "Meow"

Luna: "You named your cat Death Kitty?!"

She sounded surprised.

Luna: "I see it is a fitting name, as I found it tormenting one of my guards. Anyway Lets get this test started."

Everything went well. She asked me a few questions and I answered them to the best of my ability. Then came the puzzles...

Luna: "I want you to put this shape in the correct hole."

I looked at the yellow cube in front of me. You got to be F**king kidding, this is way to easy. I'm starting to think that this was an insult to my intelligence. I picked up the square and put it in the right hole.

Luna: "Good......Hey what are you...."

I picked up the box of shapes and tossed them out the window with a crash. Glass fell to the floor as Luna stared in shock at me.

Me: "I win! Lets go again!"

Luna: "Right ummm......Try to make the shape that is on the paper."

You know that puzzle where the shapes make a perfect square. Well it was one of those. I hated these puzzles with a passion, because of how easy they are.

I decided to let Luna know how I felt about what she just asked of me. I picked up a shape and flicked it at her forehead.

Me: "F*ck off"

Luna just went silent and left the room. I heard muffled shouts in the next room over. She came back in looking like she was having a bad hair day.

I decided to show her my appreciation by shoving all the notes and puzzles onto the floor as hard as I could.

Me: "I'm bored with this, I want to go break something with Death Kitty."

The IQ test ended there. As I was walking down to my room I heard an angry scream echo through the hallways.

I think maybe Luna hates me now.

The Campfire Song Song

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Well Luna hates me, so does Rarity. Pinkie was not happy about that, so she decided to take me, Luna and Rarity out for a campout. Luna liked the idea but hated the fact that I was coming too.

Luna: "Why is he here?"

Me: "Hi, I hate you too."

Luna: "........"

Well that went well. Anyway Rarity didn't like the idea of going out and getting her hooves dirty. To save time and to avoid an argument I grabbed her and dragged her with us.

The four of us got to the campsite, a nice clearing in the Everfree forest, and we set up camp. I took this opportunity to play a joke on Rarity. I found a small snake in the grass, and I had Death Kitty help get it out of its home. I picked it up and snuck behind Rarity, who was busy putting up her tent next to Luna's.

Me: "That's a very nice tent you have there, it would be a shame if anything were to happen to it."

Rarity: "Whatever do you......*Scream*"

She saw the snake close up to her face and she ran through her tent and destroyed Luna's in the process.

Luna: "That wasn't funny!"

Me: "Go suck an egg."

Pinkie: "Stop fighting and start getting along."

Rarity and Luna: "With him, never."

Death Kitty: "Meow."

Well we finally managed to get the tents up in the end.

Pinkie was starting to make a fire while I got the marshmellows and sticks.

Me: "Look Dripy, it's your cousins."

Rarity: "I'm not a marshmellow!"

Dripy was the name I gave her since the prank. She didn't like it, so I started calling her that. I know I'm mean *Evil Laugh*.

Well the fire was finally lit and the four of us plus Death Kitty were sitting around the fire. I kept burning my marshmellow's and blowing them in Luna's face.

Luna: "Would you mind not blowing molten foodstuff at me."

Her face was covered in melted marshmellow. Death Kitty went over to her and stated licking the mess off her.

Luna: "And get this demon off me."

Me: "For a princess of darkness, you seem to hate the evil side of life."

Luna: "..........."

Pinkie: "All right, I know what will cheer you guys up. A campfire song,"

Me: "Sing the campfire song song."

Pinkie: "I don't know what that is."

Me: "Well give me a guitar and I'll sing it."

Pinkie handed me a guitar, I strummed a few chords and started singing.

Me: " *Ahem*........ C.A.M.P.F.I.R.E.S.O.N.G. Song, C.A.M.P.F.I.R.E.S.O.N.G. Song, It will help if you just sing along."

I started to repeat those words getting faster and faster each time. Pinkie was joining in, she seemed to like it. Luna and Rarity however just glared at me, so I decided to try and include them.

Me: "Luna!"

Luna: "........"

Me: "Good, Rarity!"

Rarity: ".........."

Me: It'll help if you just sing along *Smashes guitar on the ground* OH YEAH!!!!"

Rarity: "That was awful."

Me: "Shut the f*ck up Rarity."

Luna: "How dare you use such language!"

Me: "Whatever!"

The rest of the night was just me arguing with the two. Soon we had to go to sleep.

In the middle of the night I decided to get Luna back for shouting at me. I snuck into her tent with a pale of water and placed it by her side. I gently lifted her front hoof and placed it inside the pale. I left shortly afterwards.

Now for Rarity, I got a jar of worms and I emptied them onto her and I left.

The next morning I woke up smiling as I waited for the big surprise. Rarity screamed in shock and ran out of her tent babbling like an idiot as she ran all the way back home. Luna woke up and screamed in disgust once she found out she wet herself. Pinkie just glared at me for being a bully. Death Kitty was napping and didn't care.

I can tell you the punishment was well worth it. I can tell you Pinkie won't be rewarding me with any cupcakes for a month now.

Adoption part 1

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Today was chaotic in Ponyville. Apparently a new book came out that became really popular overnight. I managed to save up enough bits for this book. As me and Death Kitty strolled happily back to Sugarcube Corner with the book, Light and Dark in my hands, I bumped into Princess Luna.

(On a side not Light and Dark needs more views. Make it so!)

Anyway after that obvious attempt to boost views on the fic.....All right all right I'll shut up now.

I ran into princess Luna, who was still mad about the prank I pulled on her.

She didn't want to talk to me though and quickly trotted away. Now I should mention that earlier today Pinkie gave me one of her exploding paint balls, I'm sure you can see where this is going.

Anyway I took it out of my pocket and chucked it at the back of her head. BIG MISTAKE!

The guards that were with her took that as a threat and quickly subdued me. Now me and Death Kitty have found ourselves in the dungeons for a harmless tease.

Now after that obvious plot device/big lip alligator moment, a guard told me that princess Luna and Celestia had summoned me. I was lucky enough that they told them not to chain me up.

Guard: "Follow me please"

Me: "Are you taking me to Chuckie Cheese?"

I hope the guard has a sense of humor, mmmmmm Chuckie Cheese.

The guard ignored me and dragged me into the throne room, where Celestia and Luna were waiting. Celestia had a disappointed look on her face, and I couldn't help but feel a bit of gult.

Celestia: "Tell me why did you attack my sister like that."

The ice in her voice hit me like a ton of bricks. Death Kitty was hiding behind my leg. SHIT JUST HIT THE FAN!

Me: "It was only a harmless joke...."

Celestia: "A joke! How can this be a jock to you! Attacking a member of the royal family, weather it be a small tease or not is never a joke!"

Me: "But...."

Okay, I can tell you now being told off by Celestia is not a fun thing. It seems my stupidity had done it again. Back on earth I had the same trouble with the police, mostly it was just fun and games but I still got into deep shit with the law.

Celestia: "Didn't your mother ever teach you anything."

Now that statement slapped me in the face hard. I haven't told you guys this, and I'm sure as hell not going to tell the ponies about this, but I am an orphan.

I never knew my parents, I always lived from one home to another never really having a family. That's why I do the things I do, I just don't know better.

Well the cats out of the bag now, so I might as well tell her too. This is going to sting, I know it.

Me: "I.....never knew my parents...."

I was right it did sting, Celestia's mood had changed in an instant. First she was the strict dictater Celestia, and now she became the poor you Celestia. Lunas jaw dropped as well.

It's surprising how a simple sentence can have that kind of effect on both people and ponies.

I went silent, I didn't want to speak at all right now. Sure I might be nineteen, but I still behave like a child. Lucky me....

Celestia: "I.....I had know idea...Curtis why did you keep this a secret from us."

Me: "Because I don't like to talk about it...... You see, when I was born I was taken from my birth parents because they tried to murder me in a fire...."

It's strange on how I can remember my life from that time. I can tell you this isn't a joke, I still remember it well. It still gives me nighmares at night. I guess I must have blurted out that memory because the princess's were looking at me with long sad faces. I think I might have mentally slapped them in the face and then kicked them in the mental balls. My bombshell had completely stunned them to the point that they couldn't speak. Even Death Kitty was feeling sorry for me, he was busy rubbing up against my leg.

Celestia and Luna exchanged glances and started whispering to each other. Only an idiot wouldn't guess that they were talking about me.

I picked up Death Kitty and turned to leave when....

Celestia: "Wait."

I stopped and turned around.

Celestia: "I err, we. My sister and I would like to ask you if you would like to stay the night in the castle again."

Okay, now I know what you're thinking. "Why does he blah de blah blah Marry Sue," so stop trying to close your browser and continue reading........

I was stunned I didn't know what to say. I nodded and now I'm in a room at the castle for the third time.

(I'm sorry if there was no laughs in this chapter. I wanted to make another story arc. This can be a serious fic at times too.)

The end of part one.

Adoption part 2

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Well, I'm back in the castle. Not sure what to say about that but, HOLY F*CK THEY GAVE ME MY OWN ROOM. I walked in front of a well polished door with the words CURTIS carved into them.

Me: "Now I'm frightened."

Yeah, when somepony you don't know that well makes you a room with your name on the door, you can't help but freak out. I tapped the shoulder of a passing servant and asked.

Me: "Is the princess stalking me?"

Servant: "I'm don't know where that came from but, she did order us to treat you like any member of the royal family."

Okay now I'm mind blown. You see that bloody mess on your keyboard, that's my brain. It would be very kind of you to hand it back, I kinda need it.

Death Kitty and I went inside the room where I swear I screamed, because a guard came running into the room shortly afterwards. Want to know what I saw...

Well screw you, that's what I saw. Okay I'll tell you, I saw a banner with the word welcome on it and a note on the bed saying "Welcome to your new home". I think the guard noticed that I wanted to be alone because I was down on the floor in the fetal position.

That's something I haven't done in a while. Death Kitty was busy ripping the banner to shreds and didn't really care. I envy him sometimes. He stopped playing with his new toy and rubbed up against my face and purred.

Death Kitty: "Meow."

I hugged him close and cuddled him. I just entered into the home of a weird stalker chick that happens to be the ruler of the world. Luna walked in.

Luna: "So, I see you've found out already. I myself am not happy about it but, my sister insisted that we do this."

I was lost for words, mostly because I was shiting myself at this point. Metaphoricly, not phisicly. An awkward silence filled the room, save for my whimpering and Death Kitty's purring.

Luna: "Look, we might have got off on the wrong hoof before, but now I see a chance at a new start."

I was still shaking with fright. Luna sighed.

Luna: "Just try not to do anything.......big. Tia has already filled out the paperwork and your stuff will be brought here shortly, Just try to behave yourself."

I nodded and Luna left. Well now I'm royalty......kind of. But hey look on the bright side, I now have access to some quirks that would allow me to pull off even bigger pranks. Maybe I could get Rarity on Equestria's most wanted, that should be fun.

Or even better send a gag letter to Twilight, or make up a ridiculous holiday. Nah, I'm an adopted child I wouldn't have that kind of power. Or would I....*Maniacal laughter*, be afraid. Be very, very afraid. I have just been given power, this will be fun. I looked out of the room and called a guard over.

Me: "I just saw a wild turducken out in the castle grounds. I would like it if you could relocate it somewhere else."

The guard nodded and ran outside. The poor sap will be looking for hours for an animal that doesn't exist. I looked out my window to see five guards looking around fot the so called turducken. I can't believe it worked, now to figure out how to get Rarity on the most wanted list.

A/N: This is a short chapter. I just wanted to get this story arc over with. Now for the third arc called the royal prince arc. I'm open to suggestions on future chapters.

A Royal Pain

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It was a beautiful day out in the castle gardens, Death Kitty and I walked around enjoying the scenery. Death Kitty was chasing butterflies and having a good time, while I went to look at some of the statues.

The statues were random stallions or mares that were of the royal family, but one in particular caught my eye. It was Discord, the stupid draconicus from the show.

I smiled as I walked over to it.

Me: "Well, well, well Discord. I see you're stoned out of your mind."

The statue just stared at me with its cold dead eyes. Now knowing me I can't go two seconds without doing something stupid, and you know what. I wanted to see if I could break his head off. I gave the statue a high kick to the face. Nothing happened so I decided to just punch at the air and pretend I was fighting him. Death Kitty decided to join in at this point, so I let him.

Little did I know I was being watched.

Celestia: "Enjoying your stay?"


I was startled, Celestia only giggled. Death Kitty was now scratching at the base of the statue.

Me: "Don't sneak up on me like that."

Celestia: "I see you have an interest in Discord."

Me: "Well I was just seeing if i could break his head off."

Celestia went silent for a moment, the birds chirped around us. I thought I heard a muffled scream of fear coming from the statue.

Celestia: "You were?"

Me: "Yeah. But it didn't work this thing is as solid as a rock."

To prove my point I grabbed one of his twisted horns and applied some pressure. The horn snapped off and I fell to the ground. I heard a muffled grunt and some silent curses coming from the statue.

Me: "I didn't do it."

I quickly put the horn on the nose. It balanced perfectly on its side. I heard some more muffled curses from the statue.

Me: "Does the statue mumble like that all the time?"

Celestia: "On occasions. But I think maybe you should leave it alone right now."

I looked at the statue, then at the broken horn that was balanced on the tip of his nose. I stepped back and followed Celestia inside. Death Kitty soon ran to catch up to us.

I saw my cousin in law out in the hallway. I never liked Blueblood, and I don't think he liked me. Whenever we could we tried to see who could be the better prince. It usually ended with me poking one of his eyes out with my finger. Today was no different as we confronted each other in the hall.

Blueblood: "I still can't believe auntie adopted a beast like you."

Me: "Well she had you didn't she?"

Death Kitty was busy ripping a hole in his tuxedo. I decided to play along and I pulled on his moustache hard.

Me: "Honk, honk!"

Blueblood: "Stop that this instance!"

Me: "Stop being a royal pain in the ass Bluey."

He hated it when I called him that. He growled but I retaliated by poking him the eye with my index finger. He backed off after that.


I believe that's about how much I one upped him. Me and Death Kitty left him to his own devices.

I decided to fill out a form for Equestria's most wanted.

Me: "Name, Rarity. Crime, Is being a stuck up bitch a crime? Nah....I think I'll put in possession of poison joke. Reward.....10,000 bits. I think that it. I hope she got that package I sent her."

Death Kitty: "Meow"

Me: "I know. I think I should visit Ponyville to see how this goes."

Death Kitty purred and we both left the castle, but not before submitting the form.

As I got off the carriage I was tackled by a pink blob.

Pinkie Pie: "I heard the news, you got adopted by the princess. Twi's not so happy about it and Rarity is well....mad. Some guards came to her house today and started chasing her through Ponyville for possession of poison joke. I believe she's still running....Oh hi Rarity!"

Rarity ran past us screaming. Five guards were hot on her tail.

Guards: "Halt in the name of the law!"

Rarity: "That isn't mine, I have no idea on how it got there!"

She continued to scream as she ran down the road.

Pinkie Pie: "Ummm....Curtis, you didn't have anything to do with this right?"

Me: "Nope."

She believed my lie. Rarity ran back to us screaming again while the guards chaesed her.

Rarity: "Curtis I swear if you have anything to do with this I'll...."

Guards: "Now she's threatening the prince. That's ten more years in prison."

Rarity: "No what I didn't mean....."

She screamed even louder as she ran full circle down the road and back. Death Kitty was following the action with his head, turning it left and right as she ran.

The guards tackled her to the ground and handcuffed her.

Rarity: "No please I can't survive in prison, what about Sweatiebelle, NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"

She was then carted off to jail.

Me: "I'm sure they would let her out early for good behavior."

Anyway Pinkie Pie invited me to a picnic with her friends. All of them had questions as to what life was like at the castle. I told them it was boring at times, but I normally have fun by picking on Blueblood and the guards.

Yes I know people I can be a "Royal Pain" sometimes.


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Well I'm f****ed, Rarity was let out of prison once Celestia found out about my little prank. She was a little mad but congratulated me on my creativity, so it was one of those mixed bags of shit you normally buy at a gas station. I'm grounded for six months now, and I have to visit the doctors to get myself some medication to deal with my random nature. I can imagine what my life would be like eighty years from now...


Fortunately the doctor came to me. I will name him Spanky for you the reader. Well his true name is Killjoy, I wonder how he got that name.....Dr. Killjoy. Sounds like a super villain if you ask me. Death Kitty was beside me as always.

Killjoy: "Hi my name is Dr. Killjoy, your mother has informed me that you are in need of some medication."

Me: "Sure thing Spanky."

Killyoy: "Right......Anyway I must first take a psychiatric evaluation befor I prescribe you with any pills."

It was the normal list of questions like, do I have any suicidal thoughts or do I have feelings of depression. It went well, until he got to one question.

Killjoy: "Right so you have no suicidal thoughts, but you do suffer from depression. You seem to have a multipersonality complex and you take pride in tormenting others for fun. You have paranoid delusions and are prone to mood swings."

Me: "I'm pretty messed up huh..."

Killjoy: "Well I have one more question to ask you. Do you suffer from any urges?"

Me: "Well.....Sometimes I wish to harm others just for the hell of it. I also have destructive urges sometimes too."

Killjoy: "Well it seems to me that you need some poison joke extract to help balance your mind."

Me: "Shut the f*ck up Spanky."

Killjoy: "Yeah......The medication will be sent in the mail, be sure to follow the instructions on the bottle exactly. I will be leaving now so be good and don't hurt anything."

He left through the door.

Me: "See you later Spanky."

A passing guard stared at me with a confused look.

Me: "What you looken at Willis."

The guard just shook his head and left. I cuddled with Death Kitty for a bit before I had to leave for dinner.

After dinner I got the letter from Killjoy.

Me: "Oh boy, a letter from Spanky!"

Shining Armor happened to be doing his rounds at the moment and he heard my outburst.

Shining Armor: "Uhhh...Spanky?"

Me: "Don't ask....."

Shining Armor gave me a look and slowly backed away. I tore open the package and took out a bottle of blue pills.

Me: "Take one every morning after you wake up.....Sounds legit."

I decided to pay Discord another visit afterwards. Death Kitty was sleeping in my room so I was alone. I got to the statue and noticed that the horn I broke off was still on his nose. Now being the nice guy that I am I broke the other one off as well. I heard a muffled scream coming from the statue.

Me: "Now lets make you all pretty."

I heard a groan of fear.

Me: "I sense fear...."

I pulled out a black marker from my pocket. This time a scream of fear came from the statue. I drew derpy eyes on his sockets, and gave him a moustache and a pair of lips. I wrote the word RETARD on his forehead.

Me: "There, I believe that suites you better."

I heard some muffled cries and a few grunts coming from Discord. I left him alone once I was done. I hope Celestia likes what I did for him. I'm truly a kind person to help someone in need.

Changling= :D

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I was walking through the gardens when I heard the sound of a spell being cast. Turning the corner I saw the queen of the changlings Chrysalis taking the form of a random stallion.

Me: "Hey Spanky!"

Chrysalis: "What? When did you get here, and what are you?"

Me: "I promise not to tell anypony about what I saw. In return I want you to hang around with me for the rest of the day."

Chrysalis: "Never!"

Me: "Guards!!"

Chrysalis: "Fine I'll do it!"

Wow, I just gained control over a changling. This should be fun. Just then two guards appeared.

Guards: "Yes your highness."

Me: "Inform my mother that I'll be going down to the hospital to get Changalis over here a sex change."

Chrysalis: "What, I never agree...."

Me: "The doctor has to snip his thing if ya know what I mean."

The guards exchanged looks and went away. Chrysalis had her mouth open in shock. I quickly grabbed a conveniently placed chain and flyswater on the ground. I chained her to my arm and started to drag her away. I made sure to go over as many rocks as possible.

Chrysalis: "Stop *ouch* this instance *ouch*!"

I smacked her across the face with the flyswater.

Me: "Why would I do that? It's fun seeing you suffer."

Now I know in the show Chrysalis is a true villainess, but when someone no matter how evil hangs around someone like me, they quickly change their attitude from brave to scared shitless.

Me: "I can smell your fear, it smells of apples."

Chrysalis: "I swear to...."


Chrsalis: "STOP THAT!!!"


Me: "Make me."


Chrysalis lunged for me but I dodged and gave her a kick to the back. I giggled like a school girl on crack at her pain.

Chrysalis: "You have a twisted sense of humor........I think I like that."

Oh shit, I turned her on. Big mistake, bad thought, bad thought.

Me: "Look don't get any bright Ideas, other wise I might be forced to kill you."

Chrysailis was shocked that her charm wouldn't work on me. To be truthful, i don't think she even knows how to act around a human. I could use this to my advantage later.

Me: "And don't try that changling love charm on me. It won't work, the worst it could do is piss me off."

Chrysalis: "I'm not using any charm, lets just say that I find your attitude quite attractive."

Oh shit. She really does like me. I must fix this, but how......I know Candace. I dragged her inside the castle and quickly went to Candace's room. I knocked on the door.

Candace: "Coming."

She opens the door.

Candace: "Oh, cousin. What brings you here?"

Me: "I want you to convince Changalis Mc Spanky over here that love isn't a true feeling."

Candace was looking at me like I was retarded. Well I am a little bit, good thing I have those pills.

Candace: "But love is a real feeling."

Me: "No it's not. I sat it is more of a death sentence than a true feeling."

Chrysalis: "So true...."

Candace: "Take that back!"

Me: "Look Rimshot if you're not going to be any help then just get out of my face."

Candace slammed the door in my face. Chrysalis was still hitting on me.

Me: "Will you stop that, it's gross."

Chrysalis: "I know of something that is even grosser."

Me: "Shut up. Anyway I need to find a way to get rid of you."

Chrysalis: "We could always try your room."

Me: "Not helping!"

My god if she says one more thing to me I will kill her. Then it hit me.

Me: "The mines!"

I ran downstairs, Chrysalis' head was bouncing of the steps. I quickly went to a small part of the castle garden that was hidden from view. Now for the hard part, trying to convince this crazy bitch to go down there. I decided to use the direct approach and dragged her inside.

Chrysalis: "Where are you taking me?"

I ignored her and got to a small clearing in the cave. I took the chain off me and chained her to a pillar and left. I heard her voice echo through the mine.

Chrysalis: "Promise me you will be back."

I gagged and left, there is no way in hell I'll be dating an insect. I then felt something tug at my mind.

Oh shit, she has a hold on me. I will have to figure out a way to deal with that later, right now I'm starving.

Another Mystery

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Me: "I wonder what changlings eat?"

Death Kitty: "Meow"

Me: "You may be right on this one Death Kitty. I might have to sneak some food into the mines to feed her."

Death Kitty: "Meow"

Me: "Sure you can come with me. I might need the protection."

Death Kitty purred and rubbed his head against my leg. Earlier today I cought Chrysalis and have been keeping her prisoner inside the canterlot mines. I walked down to the kitchen and snuck some food into a bag and made my way down to the mine. Death Kitty was waiting for me inside.

Chrysalis: "So you've come back."

She was now in her true changling form.

Me: "Look I just came down to feed you, so no tricks."

Chrysalis: "So you will devote all your love to me then."

Me: "What? No I brought some food, don't tell me you feed off love."

Death Kitty: "Meow"

Me: "Yes I know she's scary but we have to deal with it."

Chrysalis: "I can hear you, you know."

I sighed and brought the bag over to her. She was still chained to the pillar and was struggling to move forward. I emptied the bag in front of her.

Me: "Look this is food, love is not food. Love is just a death wish."

Chrysalis: "That sounds like something one of my children would say."

F*ck, I forgot about her children. Wait a moment, why did she say I sound just like her children. This is starting to creep me out.

I picked up an apple off the ground and offered it to her.

Me: "Look you have to eat something, and I'm sure as hell that I'm not going to give you love."

Chrysalis: "You know the more you speak the more I'm sure that you are one of us."

Don't listen to her, she's just trying to get inside my head.

Me: "Look just stop with the mind tricks, they won't work on me. Besides I have Death Kitty here to deal with you if you try anything funny."

Death Kitty hissed a warning at her. Chrysalis only giggled.

Chrysalis: "You've named your cat Death Kitty."

Me: "Yeah, why?"

Chrysalis: "Nothing."

Me: "Just eat the F*cking apple."

She grabbed the fruit in her mouth and started to eat. I piled the rest of the food beside her and turned to leave with Death Kitty.

Chrysalis: "You and I are allot alike you know."

I stopped and froze in place. What could she mean by that. I shook my head and continued to leave the mine.

What Chrysalis had said to me was starting to bug me. I was laying down on my bed deep in thought.

Me: "How am I like her?"

I raised my hand in the air and looked at it, expecting to see holes appear on it.

Me: "Just as I thought, she was only trying to get inside my head. Changling my ass."

Death Kitty: "Meow"

Death Kitty jumped up onto the bed and cuddled closer to me.

Me: "Why would she say that though? Why didn't she use her magic to escape? And why is she taking an interest in me?"

These questions haunted my mind as I thought about what Chrysalis said to me. Death Kitty seemed to notice how disturbed I was and he headbutt me and started to purr. I started to pet him in return.

Now I have another truth to find.

The Truth About Humanity

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I want answers now. Those things Chrysalis said to me have gotten me all confused. I have to know, Though she wouldn't give up the information freely. I think I might know somepony who can squeeze it out of her. I walked down the castle hall and went to Celestia's study, Death Kitty was behind me as always.

Me: "Mother, I think I might need to ask you for a favor."

The door opened and Celestia was standing before me.

Celestia: "What is it dear?"

Me: "I think you might be able to help me get some answers."

Celestia gave me a confused look, but quickly followed me out of the castle. I led her into the mines to where I had Chrysalis locked up. Celestia walked forward and gasped.

Celestia: "Chrysalis?"

Me: "I found her out in the castle gardens. I then captured her and locked her away here."

Chrysalis looked worried, she had been found out and betrayed by me.

Me: "I need some answers and I believe mother here will help me in squeezing it out of you."

I told Celestia about what was said between Chrysalis and I.

Celestia: "Is this true? What have you said to my son?!"

Chrysalis remained silent, she glared at me in anger.

Me: "I told you not to try any tricks with me, now you will answer my questions."

Chrysalis: ".....Then what is it you want to know...."

He expression softened a bit in defeat. Celestia nodded at me and I continued.

Me: "Those things you said, tell me what do you mean by me being the same as you."

Chrysalis: "Are you sure you want to know. Sometimes the truth can hurt more than a lie."

Me: "You told me tose things, I believe I have a right to know."

Chrysalis chuckled.

Chrysalis: "Very well, I'll tell you. I'm sure that you are aware that this is a different world from your own."

Me: "Tell me something I don't know. And how do you know about where I come from?"

Celestia just sat back and listened to the conversation.

Chrysalis: "Would you believe me when I say that humans such as yourself are nothing but glorified halfbreeds."

Me: "F*ck you, Do not bad mouth my species in front of me!"

Celestia: "What do you mean halfbreeds?"

Chrysalis: "Humans and changlings share the same blood and DNA, though they lack the powers of us proper changlings they are still part of the same species. Now you tell me boy, are you aware of how your so called Earth became the breeding ground of halfbreeds."

Me: "Don't lie to me! It's been proven that we evolved from apes, so don't give me this bullcrap about us being the same."

Chrysalis: "Then tell me, haw did those apes become smart enough to make there own societies, and become the most powerful animal on the planet."

Me: "That's.....I.....I don't know.."

Chrysalis: "Then allow me to inform you, Humans are the next generation of changlings or they would be if some complications didn't get in the way."

I felt like I was being smaked in the face one hundred times. I was learning the truth about how humanity came to be.

Chrysalis: "Long ago my species visited your planet and breed with some of the natives. You see my ancestors were looking for a way to save their dying race. Once the deed was done two new species were brought into existence. Humans and changlings, the pure changlings were brought back to Equestria while you halfbreeds were left behind to rot. But I see in the end they survived, and now fate has brought one to me."

My mind was officially blown at this point. Humans and changlings are the same, all that talk about evolution and religion were all a lie. I was shocked, and so was Celestia because her jaw hit the floor.

Chrysalis: "Now tell me boy, will you continue living with these ponies or will you unchain me and live like a true changling."

Me: "No, I won't go with you. I will unchain you but I want you to leave. I want you to leave and never show your face to me again. Because if you do I will kill you."

Chrysalis: "Fine. Now let me say this boy, I won't leave, I will stay and I will try to change your mind. Even if I have to do it by force."

Me: "F*ck off."

I walked up to her and unchained her.

Me: "Now you will leave."

Chrysalis: "And I say I won't without you."

Celestia: "You shall not touch him! He has made his choice, now leave."

Chrysalis growled.

Chrysalis: "Mark my words boy, you will be mine."

She left the cave leaving me and Celestia alone. Celestia came up to me and gave me a big hug.

Celestia: "You were wise to come get me. If you would have done this alone then you would have been Chrysalis' plaything."

I hugged her back. I still couldn't believe what I just heard today. I have a feeling it will come back to haunt me later, but for now I think I will try to settle myself down before then.

Only a dream :S

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Then I woke up.

Me: "What a strange dream. Humans as chaglings my god what was I smoking."

Then it hit me.

Me: "Son of bitch, that insect raped my dream."

But still what did she mean by us being equals. I snuck outside in the middle of the night and went down to the mine. Chrysalis was sitting down and she was staring at me.

Me: "You stay out of my dreams!"

Chrysalis: "I only did it to get you to come to me. I enjoy your company, is that to hard to ask for."

Me: "I swear to god I will....Wait a minute, you enjoyed my company?"

Chrysalis: "Yes. I see you as an equal out of respect."

Me: "Respect?"

Chrysalis: "And something more."

Me: "F*ck that, I'm going back to bed."

Chrysalis: "Make out with me."

Me: "What!?"

Chrysalis: "What?"

I swear she is just messing with me at the moment. Well two can play at that game.

Me: "So I heard that Celestia is planing on wiping out the rest of the changlings."

Chrysalis: "What!!!!!"

Got you....

Me: "Yeah, I think it has something to do with using love against them to wreck the purity of the hive."

Chrysalis: "She wouldn't dare!"

I burst out laughing.

Me: "I can't believe you fell for that. She doesn't even know your here."

Chrysalis glared at me.

Me: "Man changlings are so stupid."

Chrysalis: "I'll get you back for this."

Me: "I'll like to see you try."

With that I left.

Chrysalis: "I love you."

Me: "Shut up."

Back in my room I fell asleep again. This time it was an erotic one of....SON OF A BITCH!

The next morning I was sitting on my bed with bags under my eyes. Since Chrysalis liked to F*ck with my dreams I was having a hard time sleeping. I decided to confront her once more.


Chrysalis: "I see you had a nice sleep, why not tell me all about it."

She grinned at me. I was starting to get pissed off with her.

Chrysalis: "It might even turn out to be a date."

Me: "Stop right now, I'll never go out with you so stop trying."

Chrysalis: "Oh come now, you know you can't resist this."


I heard the sound of frantic shuffling from above. Death Kitty then burst through the ceiling sending rubble everywhere. His claws were extended and he landed on Chrysalis' back. His claws dug in and he bit her hard on the back of the neck.

I watched as the two fought, Death Kitty was the victor and was hopping away proudly.

Chrysalis: "Right, I'll stop messing with your dreams."

Me: "Damn strate bitch!"

Chrtsalis: "I love it when you call me names."

Me: "SHUT UP!"

Well now I know she has a crush on me. So dear readers let me ask you this, how will I be able to handle this?

And I hoped you liked that kick to balls. *Trollface*

A Brand New....WTF

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Well it was bound to happen. Today my life took a turn for the worst, or the better. I'm still not sure, as it is a mixed bag of shit. Now let me start from the beginning.....

Celestia: "Curtis come here please!"

That was the first thing I heard when I got up this morning. Celestia sounded disappointed with me. I got out of bed and walked to the throne room to meet her. But I wasn't prepared for what was inside waiting for me.

I opened the door and I was tackled by a black mass. It was squeezing me hard.

Celestia: "Get off him Chrysalis!"

I felt the mass let go and back up. Chrysalis was looking at me with a grin on her face.

Celestia: "So tell me, how long were you going to keep her locked up?"

This question was directed at me.

Me: "Until she rots."

I heard a meow from behind me, Death Kitty had entered the room. I quickly scooped him up and held him close to my chest.

Celestia: "Chrysalis also told me that you have a thing for changlings."

Me: "I do not! She was the one coming on to me!"

I pointed at Chrysalis who was busy eyeing me all over.

Me: "Stop looking at me like that bitch!"

Chrysalis: "I find your form interesting."

Celestia just looked at us with a strang look on her face. I swear I could hear her giggling silently at us.

Celestia: "Anyway, I found her chained up in the Canterlot mines where she informed me of your little friendship. Now I have one more thing to ask of you, I would like you to move back to Ponyville with Chrysalis."

F*ck, F*ck, F*ck........She can't be serious, she can not be serious.

Celestia: "Now I wouldn't normally do this considering that she did try to take over the castle. But I see that she settled down quite a bit and that she seems rather happy to be near you."

Chrysalis: "I told you, you would be mine."

Me: "No you didn't. If you look back a couple of chapters you would notice it was all a dream."

Celestia: "What are you talking about?"

Me: "Would you believe me when I say that out there in the fourth dimension, teens and grown men and women are busy reading every single word we say."

I turned to face the reader.

Me: "Yes I am well aware of your existence, now you will join me in the dark side. Also I would like to say that we have cookies, and a competition going on on my user page. Check my blog out now!"

Celestia: "Who are you talking to?"

Me: "No one."

Chrysalis: "I believe he just broke the fourth wall in more than one way."

Death Kitty: "Meow"

Celestia shook her head and continued with her speech.

Celestia: "Anyway, I made arrangements for you and Chrysalis to move to a new home in Ponyville. I would like it if you Curtis, could keep her in line. Also please stay out of trouble, I still have to try to clean up what's left of Discord after you vandalized him."

Me: "He was screaming like a baby." *Chuckles*

Celestia: "A carriage awaits you two outside the castle. I wish you good luck in your new home."

Chrysalis: "It's just like fifty years ago when I started a new hive. Only this time I have a human with me."

Me: "Don't be getting any funny ideas, otherwise I will gut you on the spot."

Death Kitty: "Hissssssss"

Chrysalis: "I love it when you do that."

Celestia: "Have fun you two."

Chrysalis: "Oh, we will."

Me: "Noooooooooooooooo!"

And with that another story arc is finished. Stay tuned for the next arc called, The Changling Girlfriend arc. Now a word from our sponsors....

If your hip and knees start to feel like jello, pick up the phone and call Cornello.

A/N: I'm serious with what I just said when I broke the fourth wall.

A Queens Tears.....SAVE ME!

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Well the move went well, but I still am a little worried that Chrysalis might kill me in my sleep......Or worse. The other ponies were a bit confused as to why the princess would let a changling queen move into Ponyville. But when they saw her with me they calmed down a bit.

Chrysalis as a room mate can be a bit interesting, especially when she decides to change into random ponies and people from my past.

Me: "Why do you do that?"

Chrysalis: "You should know by now, I tend to do this just to get a reaction from you."

Me: "Well stop it, that's annoying!"

Chrysalis: "Why? Don't you think I look pretty."

Now I should mention the next thing that I said would change my life forever. To be frank with you, I will admit that Chrysalis does have a kind of.........Charm to her when she is in her changling form. I can't see why she would want to change into somepony else when her natural beauty is so stunning.


Oh shit now she is reading my thoughts. Wait a minute it's the writers fault, I will have to deal with him/me right now.


I awoke several hours later in a daze, I got up and looked around our small two story town house. The couple living downstairs were rustling something fierce because I kept hearing banging sounds. I groaned and rubbed the lump on my head that I stupidly gave myself.

The room was dark and I heard somepony walking behind me.

Chrysalis: "Did you really mean that remark? Do you find my true form beautiful?"

Now like I said before the next thing that I say would end up changing my life forever.

Me: "Well........Yes."

I thought I saw a hint of a smile behind her long hair.

Chrysalis: "Nopony has ever said that to me before."

I saw a tear go down her face. Now before I continue all you Chrysalis fan-boys out there, I have something I want to say. I just made the queen cry tears of joy. Beat that Motherf***er!

She lunged at me and put me into a tight hug.

Chrysalis: "Thank you."

Me: "Get off me!"

Hugs people, you gotta love em, and you gotta hate em. She squeezed me tighter. Seriously folks I'm not joking I think I touched her heart. This isn't one of her tricks, I seriously think that she just fell for me. U think I might be falling for her as well, or is that gas.

Me: "Choking not breathing."

Chrysalis let go of me and stared deeply into my eyes and then hugged me again.

Me: "A little personal space please."

Chrysalis: "That's the nicest thing anypony ever said to me."

She was sobbing now, and hugging me tighter.

Me: "Please, let go."

Chrysalis let me go.

Chrysalis: "Sorry."

A/N: Well folks this is what most of you asked me for, shipping myself with Chrysalis. Don't expect any clop, this fic is going to be PG-13 only so don't ask.

All good things must come to an end

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A/N: No talking or jokes in this chapter. This is just a recap of Curtis' past as he agrees to marry Chrysalis and also takes in the flesh and blood of a changling. Yeah I know it's creepy but It has to be done for the sequal. It was great writing for you guys and I will continue to do so.

So far my life has been one big adventure, from the time I landed in here and made a scene. The looks on their faces still make me happy. Death Kitty was the coolest pet I've ever had, and Celestia the collest mother.

It's about time I moved on with my life, I found the woman of my dreams and she has found me. It's hard to think that we have been dating for over a month now. Twilight and the others were a bit surprised when they found out my bride was a changling, even more so when the found out that I knew this all along. Pinkie was glad that I finally found somepony to spend the rest of my life with, and Celestia thought this might be a good reason to sign a peace treaty between the changlings and the ponies.

Chrysalis and I said our vows at the alter and soon we were off on our honeymoon. Lets just say some stuff happened and things were said. Now I find myself undergoing a change, you see in order for me to live long enough with Chrysalis I had to get rid of half my humanity, mostly the mortal part. She was reluctant to even try to consider making me a part of her hive, because she didn't want to loose the man she fell in love with.

I consoled her and agreed to undergo the change, so I took the flesh and blood of a changling into my body and have become a halfling. A half human and half changling, though I still retain my human form I now have everlasting life and psychic abilities such as mind merging and telecanesis. Death Kitty is still with me as always. My friends were shocked to hear that I willingly threw away my humanity just to be with my wife.

I am now the king of the hive, and Chrysalis is my queen. I still have my free will, yet another quirk about being in charge. The two of us are happy and soon we will be paying a visit to the castle to sign the peace treaty. Anyway this is me now saying goodbye and I will hope to see you again.


To be continued...........