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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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I feel like the characterization differs a bit from the original, but the plot is somewhat promising.
Well the quality is on par with the main story. The general feel and atmosphere is the same, which is a BIG factor of playing in someone else's alt. universe.
I eagerly await more.
I feel like Rarity is off somehow, but I do really want to see where this goes.
Not bad for an A/U here. There are a few things that I found rather off-putting however. I am not very fond of using CAPS and/or bold letters for emphasis when writing, and I'm sure that I'm not the only one who feels this way. While you can use caps to express yelling and loudness, it simply becomes some what of a tacky eyesore when used to emphasize a sentence. I would attempt to find another way to get your points across.
There are spelling and grammar issues throughout the story, but I'm pretty terrible with that myself so I wont waste your time trying to pick out what I found there. Just know that they are there and probably should get fixed. i.e.
Your story's summary at it's title page should be shortened. As of right now it sits at about 400 words, when a short paragraph at best is all that's needed.
The comedic dialogue between Dash and Lero while at Rarity's was a little awkward as well, but that's only my opinion.
So on the positive side, I really like the idea you have going here. Its a really nifty "What if..." situation that deserves to get written. Keep it up and just try and smooth out the wrinkles with your finished product. What you have here is a decent rough draft and it deserves to be molded into something even more awesome. Maybe try passing it by several editors in one of the groups on here, or try braving the "training grounds" on ponychan. What ever you end up doing though, please keep it up, I want to read what you come up with for this story.
Oh! another story I can check out in the the leroverse awesome! concept is good but how's the execution? (Begins reading)
alright all done. my honest thought? I really like the promise this story provides its well written there wasn't anything jarring about this as story wise, that joke between lero, rare and dash however was a tad TAD bit strange hilarious non the less though I loved it xD
ah yes just as absinthe said his name I had a horrified face as well as I stared at his name (who names there kid that?!)
so please continue! I want more! (Holds poridge bowl out towards you)
Ooh, a Xenoverse version of Magical Mystery Cure! Also, at the end of chapter 2, "High Ho Silver, Away!"
I like.
Dark? meh. When people discussed this idea, a comedy seemed far more appropriate. Making this into a dramasplosion... meh.
This seems a lot like Xenophilia. No, correction; it seems almost exactly like Xenophilia by Anonpony Dashie. I'll have to read it to be sure, but I'm a bit wary of the originality of this.
2451554
"This seems a lot like Xenophilia. No, correction; it seems almost exactly like Xenophilia by Anonpony Dashie. I'll have to read it to be sure, but I'm a bit wary of the originality of this."
-- Please do read it!
2451254
"Dark? meh. When people discussed this idea, a comedy seemed far more appropriate. Making this into a dramasplosion... meh."
-- I'm curious, do you dislike "dramasplosions" in general, or just the idea of drama being applied to the premise of this story?
2451571 modern human vs. modern horse landspeed and endurance The chat group I am on occasionally discusses Xenophilia and I hammered out an idea once of Lero et all in the crystal empire while other nations/species discussed opening trade and Lero wins over the Griffons by going off on a hundred kilometer weekend hike to go ice fishing while everyone is busy hammering out deals.
Did you actually at least inform the original author of Xeno that you were going to write something? I mean, I know anonauthor is extremely permissive where that's concerned, but I admit, I'm a little leery of this if you didn't at least make a token effort to give credit where it's due.
Story summary is too long. No credit was given to the original author and their story. Fairly sure you probably didn't at least be somewhat courteous and ask the original author for permission either.
I'd ease up a little on the caps lock, but otherwise I like where this is going. Keep it up!
2452108
"Twilight has to know something's gone wrong - otherwise she has no reason to turn things back."
- I assure you, she WILL be aware that something's amiss. Just like in the TV episode.
Going by your summary, Lero will also know things are wrong, otherwise he wouldn't be trying to convince them of anything.
- Yes, that is true, Lero will also be conscious Things Are Not Right.
So why doesn't Lero just bugger off for a week or so whilst Twilight sorts out the spell?
- To tell you would be spoilers. But I assure you, the reasons for what he does reason WILL make sense.
Or even just move in with her, and out from with Rarity, for "more highly contaminatable magical procedures" or somesuch.
- Spoiler territory. Will be revealed.
Definitely has potential, so cautiously optimistic.
Yay! Glad you think so!
2449744
This is actually why I'm enjoying it so much. Lero is usually written as a super-eloquent, borderline whipped man-puppet devoid of opinion. I like that the author is breathing some life into him.
Just to begin:
You mean SAPIENT. Every animal is sentient; they can feel after all.
Its has potential, I'm curios about Lyra being a martial art artist in this story instead of playing the Lyra, must be something with Xenophila o well I want to see where this is going, I'm kind of curious about what is his job, or if he had mention before that between the animals humans eat were cows.
Also, if he spent so much time in the Everfree, does that mean that he at some point was force to be a hunter?
I wonder if the ponys know about the human ability to create weapons rather quickly.
P.S: If this story is heading were I think is heading I can't wait to see what Rarity will do, and if she will be having feelings in the long run (spoilers, I know, I know, but yeah i'm curious about that)
2451554
It should, it's an AU of Xenophilia after all.
If I hadnt already read it, I'd be doing so before reading this pony tale because it sounds like this author's gonna turn everything upside down to what it is in Xenophila...
Poor Absinthe... I certainly had a similar reaction as well, but I get the strongest impression that his colouring is very close to that of the shading of green that absinthe has.
A bit late on the opinion for this story for it to matter but I think I can see a difference in how Xenophilia is portrayed and this one. The characters are in sync with each other in both stories but the writing style is different in at least one important way. In Xenophilia there was a lot more exposition in how the characters thought than in this one.
It is not off-putting so feel at ease with that... But it does feel different even if the story elements are the same. I should not be surprised. You are a different author after all! Well allonsy! Or whatever i am unable to speak French. Just a prat sorry...
Absinthe is merely an alcohol with a false reputation for causing hallucinations and dementia. Basically an urban myth that got started in the 1800 by abstinence movement types and gossips.
2858558 its extremely toxic due to some crap called 'wormwood'
3202881 en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Artemisia_absinthium = wormwood
wormwood extremely toxic =
en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Absinthe
I think it's awesome so far :)
I was kinding hoping this story had started from the beginning, how they all met and became a herd. Al that good stuff. Eh, ill see where it goes.
If I had to explain a human's feeling naked to ponies, I'd say that for a human being in public without clothes it would be like a pony who had to have every last hair on it's entire body shaved off.
I bet then they'd understand quite clearly how mortifying the experience can be.
Well I'm most certainly enjoying it.
Fun.
out AT IT,
It's at this time I remember Rarity was the one who got Rainbow's mark. Clever with the early foreshadowing.