I feel like the characterization differs a bit from the original, but the plot is somewhat promising.
Well the quality is on par with the main story. The general feel and atmosphere is the same, which is a BIG factor of playing in someone else's alt. universe.
I eagerly await more.
I feel like Rarity is off somehow, but I do really want to see where this goes.
Oh my stars, it actually exists.
Not bad for an A/U here. There are a few things that I found rather off-putting however. I am not very fond of using CAPS and/or bold letters for emphasis when writing, and I'm sure that I'm not the only one who feels this way. While you can use caps to express yelling and loudness, it simply becomes some what of a tacky eyesore when used to emphasize a sentence. I would attempt to find another way to get your points across.
There are spelling and grammar issues throughout the story, but I'm pretty terrible with that myself so I wont waste your time trying to pick out what I found there. Just know that they are there and probably should get fixed. i.e.
"Her Still Way sensei wrote her a letter, and now she’s traveling aboard..."
Your story's summary at it's title page should be shortened. As of right now it sits at about 400 words, when a short paragraph at best is all that's needed.
The comedic dialogue between Dash and Lero while at Rarity's was a little awkward as well, but that's only my opinion.
So on the positive side, I really like the idea you have going here. Its a really nifty "What if..." situation that deserves to get written. Keep it up and just try and smooth out the wrinkles with your finished product. What you have here is a decent rough draft and it deserves to be molded into something even more awesome. Maybe try passing it by several editors in one of the groups on here, or try braving the "training grounds" on ponychan. What ever you end up doing though, please keep it up, I want to read what you come up with for this story.
Oh! another story I can check out in the the leroverse awesome! concept is good but how's the execution? (Begins reading)
alright all done. my honest thought? I really like the promise this story provides its well written there wasn't anything jarring about this as story wise, that joke between lero, rare and dash however was a tad TAD bit strange hilarious non the less though I loved it xD
ah yes just as absinthe said his name I had a horrified face as well as I stared at his name (who names there kid that?!)
so please continue! I want more! (Holds poridge bowl out towards you)
Wow o.o I didn't expect rarity to have her thoughts be like this :/ makes me sad actually anyhow the chapter was nicely done! to the next :D
Ooh, a Xenoverse version of Magical Mystery Cure! Also, at the end of chapter 2, "High Ho Silver, Away!"
Dark? meh. When people discussed this idea, a comedy seemed far more appropriate. Making this into a dramasplosion... meh.
Same principle applies to running; in terms of both speed and endurance.
This seems a lot like Xenophilia. No, correction; it seems almost exactly like Xenophilia by Anonpony Dashie. I'll have to read it to be sure, but I'm a bit wary of the originality of this.
"Its likely Rarity is unaware of well most anything about humans but this one actually made me giggle a little considering primitive humans primary method of hunting was "persistence hunting" involving chasing an animal until it died from exhaustion or fear," sometimes for days without resting."
-- Hey, good observation! I honestly never considered that angle! On one hand you are right: even though Rarity and Lero are both friends, she understands his humanity only on a superficial level.
On the other hand, (and in all fairness to Rarity,) Lero is not a prehistoric nomad. Fit as he is, I don't see Lero as the sort of guy who'd have the physical or psychological stamina to pursue an animal for days without resting until it died from exhaustion or fear. Especially when he has less tiring and time-consuming methods of filling his belly... such as buying food from a store.
-- When the spell hits her rewrote memories are going to be very appreciative of this fact.
Just wait and see! :)
"This seems a lot like Xenophilia. No, correction; it seems almost exactly like Xenophilia by Anonpony Dashie. I'll have to read it to be sure, but I'm a bit wary of the originality of this."
-- Please do read it!
"Dark? meh. When people discussed this idea, a comedy seemed far more appropriate. Making this into a dramasplosion... meh."
-- I'm curious, do you dislike "dramasplosions" in general, or just the idea of drama being applied to the premise of this story?
>>24515712451571 modern human vs. modern horse landspeed and endurance The chat group I am on occasionally discusses Xenophilia and I hammered out an idea once of Lero et all in the crystal empire while other nations/species discussed opening trade and Lero wins over the Griffons by going off on a hundred kilometer weekend hike to go ice fishing while everyone is busy hammering out deals.
Did you actually at least inform the original author of Xeno that you were going to write something? I mean, I know anonauthor is extremely permissive where that's concerned, but I admit, I'm a little leery of this if you didn't at least make a token effort to give credit where it's due.
Story summary is too long. No credit was given to the original author and their story. Fairly sure you probably didn't at least be somewhat courteous and ask the original author for permission either.
I'd ease up a little on the caps lock, but otherwise I like where this is going. Keep it up!
Faved, and I'll be keeping an eye on this, but I do have a large problem with the plot:
Twilight has to know something's gone wrong - otherwise she has no reason to turn things back.
Going by your summary, Lero will also know things are wrong, otherwise he wouldn't be trying to convince them of anything. If he was unaware, then it would just give Twilight something else to freak out about.
So why doesn't Lero just bugger off for a week or so whilst Twilight sorts out the spell? Or even just move in with her, and out from with Rarity, for "more highly contaminatable magical procedures" or somesuch.
Definitely has potential, so cautiously optimistic.
"Twilight has to know something's gone wrong - otherwise she has no reason to turn things back."
- I assure you, she WILL be aware that something's amiss. Just like in the TV episode.
Going by your summary, Lero will also know things are wrong, otherwise he wouldn't be trying to convince them of anything.
- Yes, that is true, Lero will also be conscious Things Are Not Right.
So why doesn't Lero just bugger off for a week or so whilst Twilight sorts out the spell?
- To tell you would be spoilers. But I assure you, the reasons for what he does reason WILL make sense.
Or even just move in with her, and out from with Rarity, for "more highly contaminatable magical procedures" or somesuch.
- Spoiler territory. Will be revealed.
Yay! Glad you think so!
Damn, I'm usually quicker to respond to new Xenophilia projects. Sorry, m'friend. I'll make it up to you by following your story fanatically, and good luck to you!
This is actually why I'm enjoying it so much. Lero is usually written as a super-eloquent, borderline whipped man-puppet devoid of opinion. I like that the author is breathing some life into him.
Just to begin:
With no way of returning to his home world, he rolled up his sleeves and fashioned a new life for himself in this world of sentient ponies
You mean SAPIENT. Every animal is sentient; they can feel after all.
Its has potential, I'm curios about Lyra being a martial art artist in this story instead of playing the Lyra, must be something with Xenophila o well I want to see where this is going, I'm kind of curious about what is his job, or if he had mention before that between the animals humans eat were cows.
Also, if he spent so much time in the Everfree, does that mean that he at some point was force to be a hunter?
I wonder if the ponys know about the human ability to create weapons rather quickly.
P.S: If this story is heading were I think is heading I can't wait to see what Rarity will do, and if she will be having feelings in the long run (spoilers, I know, I know, but yeah i'm curious about that)
Wait, did Lero just plummet several hundred feet into a bramble forest? Dude must be tougher than he looks...
Oh God here goes @w@ I can't wait for more :D this is gunna get good :3 I liked the dream lero had lero the stallion and RD the human ^^
Now the shenanigans begins.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO Give me more
Good thing that spell only affect, the elements, I don't want to think what would have happen if Pinkie and Celestia switch, cutie marks.
And Rarity, must walk A LOT, if Lero is almost reaching minotaurus countries. Men I can't wait to see, the REAL fun begin, and watch Rarity all mushi and mellow toward Lero.
P.S: The weird dream was Lero in antropormorfic, pony form, or full pony form?
Yeah, something like that,
I just gave Lero a lot MORE brambles, just to be on the safe side.
You're so generous. Owie...
Poor Lero, and that spider is so clever using him as bait. At least Rarity is going to save the day. Much to Lero's confusion.
I imagine that when Lero dies his soul might be debated over by whatever higher power exists. Twilight would petition for his soul to go to pony afterlife.
... All right, I concede. It is possible. Unlikely, but possible.
Now explain the shock of being stabbed thousands of times and the inevitable sepsis.
"... All right, I concede. It is possible. Unlikely, but possible.Now explain the shock of being stabbed thousands of times and the inevitable sepsis."
Now explain the shock of being stabbed thousands of times and the inevitable sepsis."
Yay! "Sepsis!" I just learned a new word!
My explanation is: Lero's body is blessed with the same resistance to death as Rasputin. He CAN be killed, but he can take a LOT of punishment.
Yep, Twilight would. That'd be a neat little debate to see!
>>24717522471752 Perhaps part of his, ah, prior experience included certain enhancements to make him more durable so the fun could be doubled. For them, obviously. He wasn't meant to have fun, that would ruing the game.
Aaaaaaanyway yes, I promised something more constructive and then completely disappeared. To be frank constructive criticism isn't my thing but I wanted to encourage you to keep going with this. Despite the rather icky content of the current chapter there's been a lot of light-hearted and entertaining moments so far. Everything has been just... just fine.
"Perhaps part of his, ah, prior experience included certain enhancements to make him more durable so the fun could be doubled."
-- 'Enhancements' for durability, you say? I love the way you think, sir!
-- Well, I'm glad you approve! I'll tell you this: in spite of every horrible thing Lero's gone through in this chapter... I assure you that "Divided Rainbow" is not meant to be a gorefest horror story. The reason why I subjected him to the likes of the Bramble Tower and Mr. 7... it'll all be made plain as the story progresses, I promise.
Please, if you could, spread the word to all your friends about this story!
Well, Lero, just got Frodo in his ass, and was torture for who knows how many days. I bet he still paralyzed and in his condition, returning to Ponyville will be suicidal, his only option is that when Rarity kill that spider (And she will make slowly) she will take Lero to the minotaur country as fast as she can't (unless she knows the teleportation spell) and boy if it will be confuse it, when Rarity will start to pounce Lero with quick kiss, depth kiss and french kiss, something tells me he will reach the minotaur country cover in lipstick
owch! thorns from hell @w@ damn this chapter was intense! looks like rarity will have her revenge completly and utterly Pissed Off!
Well, that bit with the spider eating the minotaur was downright terrifying and nauseating. I have never been afraid of spiders, but I'm starting to reconsider.
I actually really did a lot of research on many different species of spiders before settling on just how Mr. 7 hunted prey.
They're ALL rather frightening creatures -- as much for their behavior as their appearance. Spiders feed by liquifying the insides of their prey, and cannibalism is VERY common among them, (a few spider species ONLY feed on OTHER spiders.) They can be incredibly cunning for creatures of such a small size, (easily able to outthink the insects that serve as their prey.)
I wanted to capture some of that ruthless cleverness with Mr. 7, instead of having him be just a dumb ugly bug with too many legs, like most fantasy stories.
His world keeps falling apart the more Rarity helps.
rainbow dash cutie mark or rarity i am confused.
Lero-verse version of, I think, the last or last but one episode of season 3. Twi mucked a spell and switched everyone's cutie marks but hers in the Mane 6. In this version it happened while Dash was trying to rescue Lero from freefall over the forest the town they're going to now is named after. Of course he doesn't know what happened so he's freaking out due to Dash's love and loyalty, and a few other things, being switched into Rarity while Dash ended up with Fluttershy's traits.
Even if you haven't had the opportunity to watch the Magical Mystery Cure episode for yourself... I do have this bit written into my story:
"When the trio of diamonds faded off Rarity’s body, it was like a puppet’s strings were cut. The fashionista fell face-forward against the side of her own sewing machine, and just remained that way, unmoving, until the mark which had vanished from Rainbow Dash’s flank reappeared on her own. "
... Is it weird that I'm beginning to prefer Rarity over Rainbow Dash?