It's been several years since Lero first dropped into Equestria - several very happy years for Rainbow Dash, and the rest of her herd.
But when it becomes obvious that Rainbow's number one fan Scootaloo, now a mare in her own right, is making moves to court Spike, the herd is concerned - is the younger pegasus actually interested in Twilight's number one assistant, or simply trying to follow in her idol's footsteps in courting interspecies?
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Well, I can safely say, this fic has Gold Standard in terms of the Lero-verse as I've read it. The idea of Scootaloo, her own emergence into Mare-hood, and the dynamic with her own friends, and her own views when it comes to the MALE she's seeking...well, I want to know more...scratch that, I NEED to know more!
Great work, and if I may say so, working on the dynamic of the three Crusaders in one room will be a very telling and critical part of this story. So far, you have our main Herd from the Lero-verse down pat. Let's see what you can do with Sweetie and Bloom. Good luck, and feel free to send more stuff my way, I'm out to help anyway I can.
What, exactly, would you like for me/us to do here?
Are we to point out grammar errors, characterization doubts, overall feelings, etc.?
3054766 Thank you :) Unfortunately this is really just a one-shot, I had no plans to continue (although now you've said that my mind is already hunting for ideas...)
3054799 Primarily any major spelling/grammar issues (I'm fairly confident there but you can always slip) followed by characterisation and general flow issues. Any advice you have to ensure the conversation is less forced or confusing is appreciated. (What's that, a long conversation between two characters who share pretty much all the same traits except age and colour? Finding ways to not just use their names every time I needed to describe them was fun...)
Apologies for general vagueness, I'm still trying to determine my own weaknesses to work on :) And thank you all again for your assistance.
3054861
Understood.
Post-read edit:
My word.
I am really quite impressed with this story. Characters have rational and well-reasoned motivations, and they are able to (eventually) clearly express and discuss them with each other. Events and backstory leading up to the conflict seem well-chosen and do not feel contrived. I do not think I can offer any insight or opinion that will improve your story on these fronts.
I did want to offer my thoughts on a portion of the scene where Rainbow catches up to Scootaloo:
This being a story within the universe of Xenophilia, known for challenging conventional human jargon and turns-of-phrase, I wonder whether "Wait, don't fly (away)!" or something similar might fit better.
If cleared to, I will identify particular grammar and spelling errors I noticed while reading; I am reluctant to clutter this comments section with a list of every little missing letter and such.
That said, I feel compelled to point out this passage, at the least:
Green-to-green and blue-to-blue, they look remarkably similar, almost as if you wrote two different variations on the scene but left both of them in the story.
The first seems to share with the reader some otherwise unattainable insight into what Scootaloo and Dash are thinking and feeling. The second seems to be more in tune with observations and truths that could be inferred from somepony watching nearby.
I cannot say which, if either, is better than the other. I leave that to you, writer.
3054882 Thank you for the kind words and advice, glad to hear it came across sensibly! And yes, that piece was changed and I must have left both in; will update that when I'm at my computer.
Feel free to pm me the grammar list if you have it; thank you for your consideration of comment space.
3054861
Ok, no worries. Even as a one-shot, this stands well on it's own. But I certainly think it can be more. Scootaloo is a character you only get a few flavors of in the fandom, at least as far as I've seen. This shows us a maturing Scootaloo, and one who wants to remain with her friends, loves them in a way that would be unsurprising to me, even in the cannon universe if the herd dynamic was there...heck even if the herd dynamic WASN'T there, this still feels possible.
But I digress, if you ever feel like going further, let me know, this fic is killer and I'd love to be on the ground floor. Plus, I already see the next chapter in my head. Scoots is with RD and crew in the Library, with AB and Sweetie being shown in cut scenes as we get inside their heads a bit. I don't know how you planned them, but I can see AB being a little like AJ with her work/projects, using them as an excuse to deal with ponies trying to court her. But the moment Sweetie or Scoots come calling, she'll drop everything for them, without a second thought.
Similarly, Sweetie is finding she is happy to be doing what she loves, but the unwanted company is tiring. She just wants to hang out with the ponies she knows best, and she likely is on the same page as Scoots about her feelings towards them. She loves her friends, and wants to be with AB and Scoots. But she isn't quite sure herself how that would work...and I can also see Sweetie being Genuinely attracted to Spike as well, but seeing him as unattainable, especially after all the years he spent chasing Rarity. She'd figure she could never get him, as she'd either remind him of her sister, or just never enter his mind like that. Better to stick to the girls she knows and loves, and hope their relationship could grow.
That's my figuring anyway, let me know if this sounds right. Just throwing these ideas at you as they come to me.
I want more. I love where this is heading.
This was fantastically done. I'd love to see more of this story, from Spike's reaction to Scootaloo's first overture to Sweetie's confession to whatever the final outcome may be. In any case, a fantastic branching out of the Xenoverse, demonstrating that there's more to be found there than just Lero's exploits.
Didn't really care at first. Thought this would be a generic scootaloo wants to be like rainbow story, but I was surprised and impressed with the twist. I would totally be interested in more of this tale. Maybe things work out for scoots herd with spike as their stallion, or maybe with a pony they grew up with, or maybe just the three of them without a stallion.
3063782 3055780 3063564 3063678 Oh dear, everyone wants me to continue this... <firstworldproblems.jpg>
Let's go with "I'm hesitant at best". This is the closest thing I've ever written to romance (ha ha, write what you know) and I really wouldn't have much idea how to take it from here.
I've tried to keep it as much in line with the existing main side story plots as possible (none of them have really touched on the crusaders yet) but if anyone else wants to write how this goes ahead in shotglass or otherwise, I'll be nothing but ecstatic to read it :)
I'm glad you all enjoyed it, though!
Will add my two cents in.
I think that this is an excellent start for a multi chapter story. It's a chance to show the growth of both Rainbow and the CMC over the years, also a good opportunity to show the changes in Spike. My vote is definitely for more chapters.
(reads description) Oh wow now this is interesting o.0
Possible issue spotted:
Another one for the, dare I say it, peer pressure bandwagon!
(I do understand where you're coming from and hope it's furthered by anyone.)
I'd say more, but it'd be merely a repeat of another's.
3064018 That's what I'm going for! :) I hope you find the fic itself just as interesting.
3064036 Thanks for the catch, but that one was intentional. It might be a bit more of an Australian turn of phrase - we have a tendency to contract words down to nearly nothing at the drop of a hat, and the speaking style fits rainbow's personality. It might be better written as " 'swhat I mean..." but that doesn't really look right.
Yay, English!
3064079
Ah... I don't venture into .au territory often enough to see it put to text. Figured it to be reasonable, but the lack of capitalisation threw me off of being certain.
Perhaps refine it to " 'S'what I mean […]" so as to show it to be both an intentionally extreme contraction and indeed a start to that sentence?
3064187 Oh hey, capitalisation, that's kinda important isn't it? Didn't even think of that.
Fixed. :) Thank you!
3064212
Gotta love working through the obtusely overlapped rules that dialect and slang bring to English when put to text. *Wait, I just finally figured out how to write out [x] and I have to make sure that it now also follows remotely proper grammar as well?! What is this madness?!*
You're certainly most welcome!
I think a series of linked one-shots taking us through this process of courting would be interesting, but this story stands perfectly well on its own.
(done reading) Wow Alright it didn't disappoint I can give you that and was as interesting as I thought it was going to be and seeing we don't actually see progress with the CMC (relationship wise) or spike for that matter I've become curious on what happens afterwards (please continue) however I didn't see Lyra in the story, makes me sad a bit TwT and I'm also curious on what particular time period in the Xenoverse this takes place.
(pretty confident this takes place sometime after rarity gets a flower from fancy pants and sweety gets her cutie marke but I just wanna make sure
)
Deserve an upvote from me definitely
3064370 If it's going to happen, this is how I'll do it. It seems to be fairly traditional in the Xenoverse anyway :)
3064390 I know, no Lyra, but honestly I couldn't see a good way to get her in there. If she'd been part of the scene from the beginning she probably would have overridden the others and gone and spoken to Scoot alone while the other three were arguing who should talk to her first. =D And then where would the tension be?
In terms of exactly when this takes place, I'm not quite immodest enough to say it's crowbar'd into canon, and from what I've read The Quiet Man has plans for Scoot's cutie mark in place so I don't know if it matches entirely. However, I can say that it occurs long after all three of the CMC have their marks and after all the Main Story and Xenophile's Guide storyline; at this point they're all probably 17-18 by human standards.
I tried to keep most of the details vague to avoid clashing with established canon and pseudo-canon. In terms of Further Tales it's definitely set before "With Smiles and Clenching Jaws" - Rainbow is part of the 'bolts but certainly not captain yet, and is still based in Ponyville.
3064469 Ah ok I see then so will you consider this AU possibly? whether AU or canon I wanna see more ^^
3063838
All I said is that I want to see it continued. If you'd rather pass the torch, I'm fine with that. Heck, just throwing it into the Shotglass Oneshots thread as a prompt would be nice.
...actually, I may do that myself...
3064940 Well, now everyone's been talking about it my mind's been coming up with ideas. Funnily enough, the one thing I'm having the most trouble with is Spike...
But I'm certainly not going to complain if other people want to shotglass this. Please go ahead!
Also, unreleatedly, huzzah! This story is now in the featured box!
...If you have "View Mature" unticked.
So, it's featured to people who don't want to read things like Xenophilia.
Helpful!
3054861
Not...
planning to continue? 
This concept is f
king awesome and deserves to be continued! The CMC as a herd makes so much sense, but exploring the logistics of it, and especially the logistics of a mare who's in a herd for the other mares and not for the stallion/drake.
Please, please continue!
Nicely done
I demand a sequel, entailing how grown up CMC and Spike make a herd, with awkwardness of dragon sexual reproduction vs pony sexual reproduction. DO IT NAO!
I would not mind at all seeing more chapters of this.
For the first time
Major pronoun confusion here, you use 'she' & 'her' to refer to both Dash & Scootaloo.
realize
realize
with her eyes still closed
realizing
realizing
realizing
ensure there were no witnesses
"things" no apostrophe
more severe pronoun confusion, you use 'her' to reference both of them.
What worked?
makes her other
demeanor
there was a degree of respect
This has a lot of promise. There were some grammar and spelling issues (many of the most glaring are pointed out above), although a good deal of them occur inside of the dialogue so it's hard to state how much is speech patterns and where to consider them "too much", so I left the majority of those out.
Pronoun confusion is a common issue in your writing and while I pointed out the two most glaring instances of it, they're certainly not the only places that it happens; this isn't a big problem unless it happens a lot, but even if it's not bad enough to distract readers, it's still a good writing habit to avoid whenever possible.
It's easy to see the Aussie influences in your writing since I'm experienced with helping some other Australian writers, it seems to help when writing Dash & Scoot's dialogue, but it creeps up in other places and can make certain passages feel a bit disjointed.
You also make a major perspective shift from Scootaloo at the beginning to Dash after she tracks Scoots down. This isn't quite as jarring due to the fact that it happens during a scene shift, but it is something to watch for. Always try to keep in mind the perspective that you're writing from. This is a minor issue, but overuse can make it hard for a reader to follow the flow of your narrative.
Now, with those out of the way, allow me to expound on why I thoroughly enjoyed this story.
You seem to have a great grasp of the characters and their interactions. Their thoughts and actions feel genuine not only to their characters from the show, but also as a reader following their train of thought. This gives your dialogue a uniquely enjoyable feel, as if we're getting an actual glimpse into the world of Equestria. I found myself pulled deeply in, and that's one of the primary factors I look for in a story.
Getting a view of the CMC's relationship with Spike is a tale just close enough to Xenophilia that it's familiar but with enough variation to still feel fresh and interesting. I am already feeling emotionally invested in them and I'm eager to see how it might progress. There are lots of avenues of exploration open to this situation to not only explore more Equestrian and Draconian culture, but to also expound on the difficulties inherent in such a relationship.
I hope that you will continue to give us all glimpses into your vision and turn this into more than just a simple one-shot.
If you need someone to do some editing, pre-reading, or brainstorming, feel free to send me a message. I'd only be too happy to lend a hand with this.
3070119
If the Authors from the UK, then their spelling is correct.
Examples.
US UK
Color Colour
Favorite Favourite
Apologize Apologise
Realize Realise
3070119 First and foremost thank you very much for the assistance - very humbling to get that sort of detailed response from one of those responsible for bringing the whole thing to us in the first place ^_^
I'll admit that some of the points you mentioned were just my shorthand way of speaking translating to the page, and the pronoun confusion was always rife (as I commented previously, a dialogue between two speakers with virtually all features identical bar colour and age makes for either a lot of confusion or a lot of repetition...) so I've edited and cleared those up a bit. However, as 3070727 noted, the spelling issues are me being Australian, and there's no force in the world that'll take my u's from where they rightly belong.
(Although it is worth noting that my spellcheck does actually recognise both 'realise' and 'realize' as real words, wheras it normally rejects American versions of words. Intriguing.)
(Also, "First thing's first" tracks for me? I always considered it a contraction of "First thing is first", and that's how it's used here... though the internet says your version is the more correct. *shrug* Learn something new every day.)
I will almost certainly take you up on that offer of pre-read and brainstorm once I get a little more of my thoughts in order. (and maybe after writing a couple of shotglass oneshots for good measure. I really shouldn't read through prompt lists while coming down off an 'everyone likes my work' high.)
But once again, thank you kindly for your help, and everyone can hopefully expect to see something more from me in the near future. </ego>
3070941
. I guess I'm used to the extra 'u' from time to time, but apparently my brain won't accept an 's' where it thinks there should be a 'z'.
The spell check thing is actually quite amusing since mine tends to reject British spellings
As for "First things first" that phrase is a tautological idiom rather than a contraction of "First thing is first". I did notice that you do seem to use contractions for "is" quite often. Many of the instances in this chapter were in dialogue so I didn't single them out; it is an acceptable practice in speech but can be considered a sloppy practice in writing because it can create confusion with possessive nouns. This is mostly a stylistic concern, but it is something to keep in mind when you're writing.
I enjoyed this but it had some really rough spots to me. I is really well written and honestly my only complaints were that some points came up with no indication or suggestion of them beforehand which kept them from having as much impact as I think they could've.
Dash talks about how Twi is the one who figured that Scoots wasn't really into Spike because she is the expert on body language, but she doesn't know how to best talk to Scootaloo? This just seemed strange that nobody thinks for even a second that the way they go about confronting Scoots is a bad idea.
I really loved Scoots fleeing, it was really solidly written and felt very true to life and really hammered home her feelings, that said the fact there's no hint that about how she really feels until it gets spilled to Dash which made it feel abrupt and sort of like she was maybe making things up. She's obviously genuine though which made it conflicting.
I can't help but feel like Dash gets let off the hook really quickly. Dash completely rearranges how she thinks of Scootaloo and manages to doso and get pasts it in in about five minutes. It feels too sudden and loses emotional impact for me. Scoots as well blows up at Dash and pours her heart out and then just gets over it like it didn't matter. she's not still hurt or angry that Dash still thinks of her as a little kid and treats her badly. She is more scared of going back to the library rather than upset at the others thinking so badly of her and wanting to be understood and accepted as an adult. It just happens so fast it feels like it doesn't matter.
Despite my critiques and such I do really like this story, it can be hard to come out from under your mentor's wings and get them to recognize you've grown up and you handle it really well. It's one of those uncanny valley things. Where the closer you get to ideal the more the differences or ways that are slightly off stand out.
I won't lie, the issues bothered me enough that I did give this a thumbs down, I'm still gonna follow the heck out of you and I love your other works :)
3071673 I know the feeling all too well :) And I'll keep the contractions in mind in future, it's probably worth watching.
3071697 Thanks a heap for taking the time to provide the criticisms with the thumbs-down - it's much appreciated, especially as you've touched on several things I'd actually considered myself. In terms of quick explanation:
Twilight being an expert on body language but still screwing up the conversation - isn't this honestly Twilight through and through? She likely spent the next fifteen minutes after Scoot ran analysing the situation and how she could have handled it better, at which point Lero stepped in and distracted her.
More importantly though, she was actually looking to intimidate Scootaloo a little there, both for what she sees as trying to play with her little brother's heart and for doing several concerning things to books. :) (Worth noting is that Twilight does not comment that Scootaloo is hiding a non-fiction book inside a fiction book, which is as far as she is concerned the natural and proper way to do it.)
She also forgot to take into account Scootaloo's speed - very few ponies would be able to slip between Rainbow and Twilight, let alone get out the door before either could react.
With Scootaloo's being genuine, the issue is that the two of them are having a very slightly different argument. Dash is trying to get Scoot to admit that she isn't actually interested in Spike and has ulterior motives of some sort; Scoot thinks Dash is trying to say that she's not old enough and is jumping into something stupid without actually considering the consequences. Everything Scoot says is the truth; she's being rightfully defensive up until the point where Dash makes it clear what she's accusing her of.
The point where she actually explains why she's interested in Spike, she's sort of channelling Sweetie Belle there, closing her eyes and quoting the conversation; (a trick she will claim she's picked up in her time working as a courier/messenger for spare bits; nothing to do with several years fangirlishly memorising and quoting Rainbow's every word.) This isn't to hide anything, but simply because she's in a corner, hasn't got a reasonable answer, and it sort of gives her an unconscious way out of acting mushy - quoting someone else rather than (shock and horror) expressing her own emotions. Twilight would have picked up on this instantly, but Rainbow isn't quite as observant, and just noted that it was a little weird but was more thrown off that Scoot had a perfectly reasonable explanation that sorta dropped her expectations on their head.
Finally, the ending... yeah, I'll agree with you there, and was thinking the same thing from the moment I wrote it. Endings to these conversations have always been a bit of a weak point for me - Being Special had the same issue (amongst many others) and a few chapters in Happy Endings didn't have strong endings either... When I start working on the continuation for this I'll probably edit this and take some of your suggestions to improve it, they do make a lot of sense.
Again, thank you for your critique, I really do appreciate it, especially when it gives me an opportunity to delve deeper into the motivations and personalities of the characters. :) Hope you continue to read, enjoy, and pick apart my future work!
3073922 Oh my gosh...Um...you're totally welcome!
I think I sometimes forget that authors do often read these inane ramblings I leave behind 
I'm really glad you understood what I was trying to get across and I'm definitely looking forward to poking at more of your works in future 
This is good.
The characterizations are spot on and your writing style is addictive. Why haven't we seen more from you, Taranth? You certainly don't lack for talent.
You know I now honestly want to see a Spike/Applebloom/Sweetie Belle/Scootaloo Herd fic based in the Xenoverse.
Post Haste!
I thought it was great. Well-written, characterizations were true to their origins, I even actually felt for Scootaloo. However, we come to the "but", and it's a small but, but a "but" none the less. My biggest gripe is Twilight being an expert on body language, and then proceed to corner Scootaloo, despite knowing the issues, as well as Dash quickly getting over to the paradigm shift in their dynamic. But on the other hand, it's not too big a deal for me and sentient beings don't always behave rationally, and I admit that I have done similar things before. But as it stands: A thumbs up for me, and a "Why doesn't this have more up thumbs?" as well.
Also, this should get expanded on. I'd love to see The Crusaders and Spike getting together and the issues they'll face there. It would certainly be an interesting read.
I like the Setting you have here.
When do we Get more? (Ignoring the "Complete" status)
3081558
Likewise. Or however that dynamic turns out.
That was a brilliant story.
Looks like Dash's loyalty rubbed off on Scoots. I really like your interpretation of Scoots.
Well written and a joy to read... any chance for a sequel?
Yes, good.
This is wonderful, I really wish you would make a sequel to it.
~Hearn
3857293
+1
3081558
derpicdn.net/img/2012/6/23/17221/large.png
"Yeah, what can I do for ya?"
"Bravo! Bravo," he called as he softly clapped his hands in a posh manner. "Walk on!"
Well done, all throughout! I love the talk, and I love the "reality check" aspect of it all, with Dash trying to let Scootaloo know what she's getting into! Now I'd like to see one where Scootaloo and Spike try dating!
Definitely a nice possible future look at the Xenophile AU. The idea of a CMC-Spike herd is interesting (moreso that it seems like Sweetie Belle is the one that's kinda into it). It would have been nice to see more where Scootaloo and Apple Bloom stand on romance (I'm feeling like Scoots is aro for her friends and AB hasn't figured out what she wants) and to learn how Spike is doing, but these are minor nitpicks.
I will also say that the ending almost sounds a tad too much like Rainbow is saying she's onboard with manipulating with a possible herd, that I know that's not at all what that's implying.
Overall a nice short look!