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  • E A Spell for Lyra

    Twilight Sparkle writes you an important letter about how she became friends with Lyra the unicorn, a mistake she made, its terrible consequence, and one of friendship's hardest lessons.
    4,107 words · 3,281 views  ·  280  ·  15
  • T The Everfree Horror

    Two young sisters face an evil cult and a god of chaos in the Everfree Forest.
    1,382 words · 517 views  ·  24  ·  2
  • T Falls the Shadow

    The stars are going out, heralding disaster. It's up to Twilight and friends to save the day.
    52,315 words · 747 views  ·  25  ·  3

Blog Posts5

  • 60w, 23h
    My Lyra Story Has Gotten a (Beautiful) Dramatic Reading!

    “If I find in myself desires which nothing in this world can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world.” - C.S. Lewis

    So, over a year ago I tried to write a short story that would be my answer to the wishful dreaming of certain Human in Equestria stories, a kind of love-letter to the sort of young readers who still check the backs of their wardrobes for doors to other worlds or look out their windows for owls bearing their invitations to schools of magic.  How successful I was is debatable, but readers seemed to like it for the most part, and every now and then someone still drops a comment about it, which always brightens my day.

    Now, much to my unexpected delight, I found a message from the talented obabscribbler, who has performed a wonderful reading of my short story, A Spell for Lyra.  This is the first time I've ever heard my fiction read by someone else, and I am surprised, humbled and enchanted by it.  For those that are interested, I'd encourage you to check it out. :twilightsmile:

    0 comments · 114 views
  • 74w, 3d
    Thanks for being so patient.

    To everyone who has been waiting for the next chapter of Celestia in Excelsis, I just sent it off to my awesome pre-reader, so it should be coming soon.  With a demanding school semester out of the way, I should be able to update more often.  Thanks for being patient.:twilightsmile:

    While we wait, I'll share with you my one attempt to make a PMV.  It's set to the song "Loved by the Sun" by Tangerine Dream.  It's over a year old and the resolution is awful (it might look okay on a cell phone...), but it was fun to try and teach myself how to do video editing.  You can tell even then that Celestia was going to be my favorite princess.


    :twilightblush:

    Wishing you all the best,

    -Kolwynia

    5 comments · 108 views
  • 93w, 1d
    Best. Group. Ever.

    Is the story you poured your heart into just not getting the attention you hoped?

    Do you enjoy reading and reviewing other people's stories?

    Then I'd like to recommend the super-cool Authors Helping Authors group.  It is one of the neatest ideas for a group ever.  Basically, it's fanfic writers exchanging reviews of each other's stories.  Read someone's story and give a review, get a read and a review in return.  Sounds awesome, right?

    Well, it really is.  Not only do your stories get a few more precious likes and favorites, but you get exposed to stories you never would have otherwise, perhaps in genres that you wouldn't normally read.  I've already discovered several new stories to follow, and found some new readers of my own stories.  And the reviews they leave are really helpful!

    Also, it's a lot of fun.:twilightsmile:

    So if you haven't checked this group out yet, and this sounds like something you would be interested it, click here: Authors Helping Authors

    4 comments · 199 views
  • 98w, 1d
    In Which I Try to Convince You to Watch an Upcoming Horror-Comedy Movie

    If you've never heard of it before, here's the story: the fate of the world might just rest on the shoulders of two slackers who have been exposed to an interdimensional drug called Soy Sauce.  The film is called John Dies at the End, and it's based on the novel of the same name, which started out as a story someone posted online as a web serial.  It's weird.  It's fun.  It's really, really cool.  And if enough people see it, there's a chance that its sequel might get made into a film as well.

    What does this have to do with ponies?  Well...admittedly little.  (But if you liked the episodes with Discord or the changelings, or if you are a fan of video games and comic books, or if you ever suspect that there is an Awful Secret behind the universe, then you'll probably like this a lot.)

    Available on video on demand December 27.  In theaters January 25.

    This trailer is rated TEEN for freaky images.

    6 comments · 303 views
  • 101w, 6d
    The Crystal Empire Misses its Heart

    Alright everyone, you've watched the Season Three premiere and hopefully you came away with your headcanons intact.

    Did the premiere live up to your expectations?  I enjoyed it, but I felt that it was the weakest of the premieres/finales of the series, and missed its opportunity to do something truly special.

    Problem One: The rest of the Mane Six don't matter.

    As in A Canterlot Wedding, Twilight's friends were relegated to side characters that barely clear background pony status.  At least this time around they do something helpful, but they are basically working the subplot the entire episode long.  As someone who thinks Twilight is the best pony, I can appreciate a Twilightcentric story as well as anyone, but by cutting her friends out of the heart of the episode and leaving them on the fringe, the writers cater only to fans of Twilight and fail to showcase the power of friendship the way they did in Friendship is Magic and The Return of Harmony.

    Last time, the Mane Six had to sit on the sidelines so that Shining Armor and Princess Cadance could have their moment in the spotlight, this time it was for Spike, which was should have been awesome, and would have been if not for...

    Problem Two: Spike's friendship with Twilight should have been the heart of the episode.

    Not Twilight telling Spike to finish her quest for her because she cares more for the Crystal Ponies than passing Celestia's test.  Spike getting his chance to shine was great, and much deserved, but it should have been the relationship between Spike and Twilight, and the power of their friendship, that stole the show.  That moment when Spike is caught by Sombra's dark spell and sees a vision of Twilight sending him away should have been the emotional cornerstone of the episode if they were going to give Spike the victory in the end, instead we don't even see it, as we do when Twilight is caught by the same spell.  It is touching to see Twilight comfort Spike afterward, but the scene was rushed.  Everything leads to the moment when Twilight sends Spike to finish her quest for her.  That moment is all about Twilight's sacrifice for the Crystal Ponies instead of her friendship with Spike who has followed her and been by her side the entire time.  In the end Spike saves the day.  With Cadance.  While Twilight is left behind in one of Sombra's traps.  It works as a cool fantasy-adventure moment, but does not have the same power as the earlier moment when we saw Twilight promise Spike she would never send him away.  I wanted the climax to belong to the amazing friendship that Spike and Twilight have together.

    Problem Three: Worst villain ever.

    Sombra has no personality.  After such amazing villains as Nightmare Moon, Discord, and Chrysalis, this was a pitiful offering.  The only thing good about him is that his total lack of canon personality leaves him ripe for fanfiction writers to play with.  Whatever they come up with will surely be better than what the show writers gave us here.


    Okay, I actually did love a few things about the episodes...

    First, I think Twilight is at her best when she is showing her insecurities and adorkableness.  We got plenty of that.

    There was a bit of foreshadowing for the Chosen One.  Celestia tells Luna, "She will succeed at her task, and when she does, we'll know that she is that much closer to being ready."  Ready for what?  I don't know, but I'm excited to find out.

    The moment when Twilight triggers Sombra's trap and faces her fear of being abandoned by Princess Celestia was probably the best moment of the episode.  Her relationship with the Princess is such a fundamental part of her character, possibly even the foundation of it, and I appreciated the way the show recognized that here.

    Seeing Celestia use dark magic...and Twilight following her lead!  That was just plain cool.

    Twilight versus gravity.

    Fluttershy jousting.

    So, I thought that a few moments from the episodes were gold, but what should have been the main event, the friendship between Spike and Twilight, became just one of those golden moments and not the heart of the story that it could have been.

    (Thankfully, none of the revelations about what happened a thousand years ago have ruined the plausibility of what I'm doing in Celestia in Excelsis.  Headcanon escapes unscathed this time around!  Though the conflict between Sombra and the Princesses will have to at least be mentioned now...)

    What about you guys?  Loved the episode?  Disappointed?  Think I'm totally off base with my assessment?

    2 comments · 143 views
  • ...
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Source

"One day, I swear to you, I will stand in the ashes of the Elements of Harmony themselves and proclaim a new world." -Starswirl the Bearded.

This is the story of Princess Celestia: her origin, the battles she fought, her betrayals, her adventures, the friends she made along the way, her one great love, and her ultimate destiny.

Now on Equestria Daily!

[Thanks to _Medicshy for his faithful editing and input.  And to Heliostorm as of chapter 13.]

[Cover image by tamponandtwilaloop on deviantart, used by permission.]

Warning: updates irregularly lately.

First Published
14th Oct 2012
Last Modified
8th Oct 2013

Really good, looking forward to the next chapters.

I'm liking this. Continue.

I don't usually see fiction where Starswirll took place as an antagonist which makes me interested to see where this goes. The only advice I might give is to slow down. It seems like you have much more opportunity for detail here, and it comes off as a little rushed for me.

I'll be glad to keep up with this to return the favor. :twilightsmile:

>>1435965>>1436279 Thanks for reading and commenting!  Hope you enjoy where the story goes from here!

>>1440226 Thanks!  You're right about the pacing.  The story covers more than a thousand years, so I'll try to balance the parts where I can slow down and the parts where I've got to move ahead at breakneck speed.:twilightsmile:  And yes, Starswirl is a bad guy.  (Though I'm sure he doesn't see it that way.)

I"m not sure why this has three negative votes already but for me at any rate it seems as if it may turn out to be an excellent story. I look forward to being able to read more of your work soon. :twilightsmile:

>>1447847  Thank you!  It's funny, all my stories so far have had about an 80% positive to 20% negative vote ratio.  I guess I'm being consistent?:derpytongue2:  Anyway, I'm happy to know it's being enjoyed.:twilightsmile:

#7 · 104w, 2d ago · · · II. The Phoenix Court ·

nice one^^ can´t wait to read more

#8 · 104w, 2d ago · · · II. The Phoenix Court ·

It's always interesting to read stories of Celestia and Luna in their youth.  Simply becuase there are so many possibilities, I would love to see more stories with Starswirl, or featuring Celestia in her younger days.  Keep up the good work.

Verryyy nice. I love this chapter. I cannot wait for more.

>>1588041  Thanks!  There will probably be a short delay this month because I have a whole slew of end-of-term papers I have to write for school...:pinkiesick:...but I promise to write like a madman when the semester ends!:pinkiehappy:

Next up: Starswirl pays a visit to an old friend...

Thanks for reading!:twilightsmile:

I still love how you are developing Starswirl to be the fallen master, and I especially love the extra mythology you've created with the Phoenixes.  Both are intriguing and so far as I know, unique!

>>1784736  Thanks!:twilightsmile:  I'm trying my best to be a little creative with different elements of the show's mythology, while still remaining faithful to the show's canon.  I want everything in this story to be possible within the canon of the show, so that when people read it they think: "It could have happened that way."  If I can write this whole thing without having to stick on an Alternate Universe tag, I'll be happy.:derpytongue2:

And I'm glad you are liking Starswirl.

Next up:  A lonely princess.

Favorite chapter so far. You've slowed down and gave us time to breathe and take in all the sights. I'm liking the depth you're giving Starswirl, though I am worried if it will make his character consistent. I'm expecting to see some conflict within himself due to his values and his overall plan. They do collide a bit. I do like it, a character that holds onto values that seems to be a counterpoint to his morality can prove to be an interesting one. He's catered to the last words of his past proteges while still having fond memories of them.

This could get very interesting if you continue to expand on this aspect.

No, I don't believe you're making him too evil. If anything, I'd like to see you push it a bit further. :pinkiecrazy:

You're using many of the established fantasy conventions (Bound spirits and the like) Which is great. It fits, considering MLP shares the same franchise as DnD (which also uses some of them).

Concerning the newest episode: It seems that the Timberwolves are possessed by some sort of spirit that gives the wood it's animation. Are you planning on doing anything with that? I could imagine it being some sort of curse conducted by Starswirl.

>>1876408  Thanks!  As for Starswirl's character, I have to be very careful because I'm pretty sure in the canon of the show itself he's not a villain.  I've made him an antagonist here, but I'm waiting for the upcoming season finale to Alternate Universe my whole story.  (I have a plan to avoid this, so long as Twilight doesn't get sent back in time and we get a fixed canon past.)  But yeah, Starswirl basically represents the ultimate cynicism in the power of friendship.  And Celestia has this kind of naive faith in Harmony.  And Starswirl is on the tail end of over a century of life, while Celestia is at the beginning of a millenium.  It makes for a fun dynamic.

As for the timberwolves...:pinkiehappy:  Something is going on in the Everfree Forest, isn't it?  I see the Everfree as kind of MLP's version of Mirkwood (from The Hobbit).  A dark power is at work there.  Then there is that old castle where Nightmare Moon was defeated.  What's the deal with that?  That's the fun of telling a story set in the past, there's all these interesting questions that you get to offer answers to.

(Chapter Five is with my awesome pre-reader as we speak.  It's kind of dialogue-and-exposition-heavy.  Things should get serious soon, after Starswirl meets a certain grieving phoenix.)

Thanks for reading!:twilightsmile:

wow this is amazing. i can't pinpoint anything specific right now as it's 1 in the morning but when i wake up i'll (hopefully) remember

>>1911596  Thank you so much.:twilightsmile:

Next up: The Pony in the Looking-Glass.

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors

Celestia in Excelsis

Grammar score: 9/10 I really didn't notice much of anything.

Pros:  HOLY SMOKES... That... was... AWESOME... Evil Starswirl rocks.  The characters are completely in character, (though I wish there was a little more Celestia development)

The plot is very well thought out and draws people in.  I'm very interested in Philomena and what she will do

The mythology and history you've combined has created an excellent story

Cons:  

You need more development on Celestia and why she chose to be good

The section in which she suddenly went to see the books is a bit sudden after part with the mirror.

How does a Filly grow up so fast?

Notes: I really liked your Celestia, but I need to see more of her.  I've been seeing quite a bit of Starswirl, phoenix, but you need to do much more Celestia character development to show why she acted the way she acted.  Other than that I'm faving this story!

I would like you to read my story Canterlot: Her Creation and Her Architects, it's got quite a bit of Celestia.

>>1924701  Wait... taken from her by force??  Foreshadow much?

>>1932131  Thank you so much for the review!  And thanks for bringing the flaws in my Celestia to my attention.  What I was going for was a character who was a bit of a blank slate, not quite as interesting as those around her, then, as the story progresses and she goes through some stuff, slowly she would become more and more interesting until after a thousand years she is truly fascinating, like I think the Celstia from the show is.  (But I don't want that to be an excuse for not developing her character enough right away.  Thanks for the heads up on that.)

And Celestia hasn't grown up.  Maybe I'm writing her dialogue a bit too grown up?  (I see her as intellectual enough to be able to speak like an adult.)  But even though she is an alicorn now, she is still only a filly.  In human terms she would have been almost eleven when Starswirl took her in, and twelve where the story is now.  (Should I add a few lines here and there to remind the reader that she is still a filly?  I don't want them picturing an adult Celestia yet...)

Thanks again for the review, and for the favorite!  I will be sure to check out Canterlot: Her Creation and Her Architects when I get the chance.  (I kind of wanted to anyway since reading Remembering the Fallen.  And you never know, I might have to check out your other story too some time, because I happen to be a big fan of Garth Nix's Abhorsen trilogy.):twilightsmile:

Comment posted by vren55 deleted at 5:09pm on the 10th of January, 2013

>>1935952 Yes you do need to remind us that for all her purity maturity and heart she is a filly.  Maybe link the childhood experiences more to her feelings to dew dream or her desire to get the foals off the street.  Don't get me wrong you've established her character very well.  But you have to elaborate and build from that basis gradually adding flaws such as a lack of experience.  I look forward to your next chapter in glee.

And you're a Garth Nix fan too?  :D  I love The Old Kingdom Series.  You know there will be a new book out sometime this or next year?  It's on the abhorsen Clarier... well before she became: Spoilers




Chlorr

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors

First, thank you for the review of Primoris Concordia! Now I shall return the generous favor. :scootangel:

Grammar Score: 10/10 (Seriously, I found only one flaw: you forgot to capitalize King Sombra the first time Dewdrop mentions him. Other than that, your grammar is spot on. Especially in the flashbacks, a lot of people tend to slip up when using present tenses.)

Pros: Great story premise! I don't read many origin stories, but I have yet to come across one that portrays Starswirl as an antagonist, so points for originality. Your descriptive writing is great without being too flowery. We can visualize what's happening without being led off on tangents. Your dialogue is excellent! I like the confrontation between Starswirl and Celestia, it was very believable.

Cons: The pacing of the story seems a bit awkward. Not the speed of the story itself, but the transition of events.Celestia receiving her wings and new powers and being bale to understand and use them so soon is a bit of a stretch. The references to the present or later events also seem a bit unnecessary. We kind of already know what Celestia will go on to do, so telling us before actually telling us seems a little redundant if that makes sense.

Notes: The quote on the cover page was an excellent attention grabber! That's a pretty surefire way to get someone's attention. The mythology you're creating for this world is very interesting and mysterious and I can't wait to read more of it. Also, I like your chapter titles. Chapter titles are important! Overall, you've got the makings of a great story and storyteller. Keep up the good work and enjoy your review! And again, thanks for reviewing my story, means a lot.:twilightsmile:

>>1937936  Thank you very much!  I'm really glad people are responding well to Starswirl as an antagonist.  (Until show canon reveals him to be a noble Gandalf-like character and ruins the whole thing.:derpytongue2:)

And your story Primoris Concordia: Mingling Worlds is wonderful!  This is why I'm loving the Authors Helping Authors group, it's introducing me to great stories that I never would have known about before.

>>1937009 That series has the best necromancer mythology I have ever seen.  And more people need to experience the awesomeness that is Mogget.:twilightsmile:

>>1939242 I know how you feel. I'm kind of nervous about Keep Calm and Flutter On because of future events in my story. If the rumor about Discord being a corrupted Starswirl prove true, I will flip tables. :flutterrage:

>>1939242 Well crap I don't have him in my story... I like Lirael and Sabriel better to be exact.  

>>1939268 That better not happen.  I have a lot of "Plan B"s in my head in case the show writers do various things.  I think my story can recover from anything except Twilight getting sent back in time to find out what really happened in Equestria's past.  But...if Discord proved to be Starswirl (which, oddly enough, I thought about and considered doing), that would really mess things up.:pinkiesick:

I'm enjoying every chapter, Kolwynia. Even more so now that you've slowed down enough to give us time to appreciate everything. Her slow interactions with Page help build a character which we know to be an ancestor of Twilight. I'm predicting an explanation of why the Sparkle family is one of devoted service to the royal line (Heck, might explain why so many crests look like her cutie mark).

That leaves me on a tangent. If Marks are bound by fate, then wouldn't this be a great example of one stronger fate than many of the others? An obvious linage of service and fealty. Or maybe it's some sort of oath to service by an ancestor from so long ago that has effected the generations... Just food for thought. Or maybe a future Touchstone

Going by a comment, I too had forgotten that she was just a filly. I was also under the impression that she became a full sized mare. I do see where you have tried to show that she's still young in body (Having to hover to look Duly Noted in the eye). But if you don't mind a suggestion or two, I would add maybe a few physical obstacles. When she climbs up to the throne, know that it's a throne built for a full grown mare. I'd imagine she would have some trouble easily sitting herself on it. This could also serve as a metaphor later on.

She grew up a Unicorn. She's used to a more frail form than an Earth pony, and the less agile of a Pegasus. I'd believe Celestia would forget that she even had wings in the first place at times. Has she flown since coming to confront Starswirl? Has the thought even occurred to her? What a thrill would it be to fly for the first time just to enjoy it rather than coming to the rescue. As a filly may dream to be a princess, would a filly also dream of flight?

That also rings a fifth bell. I do love your little setup at the start, showing Celestia as a sort of vagrant on the streets. It ties into the end of the chapter, serving as a stronger motivation than that of simple pity. She has empathy of the situation.

Overall great, and I eagerly await the next chapter! :twilightsmile:

#29 · 93w, 4h ago · 1 · · V. The Princess of Canterlot ·

>>1947628  Thanks!  Your comments mean a lot to me.:twilightsmile:  Yes, Page is an ancestor of Twilight.  (And since she's Starswirl's granddaughter, technically Twilight is his descendant too.:trollestia:)  We will actually get to meet quite a few ancestors of characters from the show.  As for her entire lineage being in royal service...things are going to get a bit messy over the thousand years before now and then.:rainbowdetermined2:

And I wanted to have Celestia getting to enjoy the wonders of flight, since during the battle she was too furious to do so.  But it didn't seem to work in this chapter so I had to move that scene.  I think it's going to be better where I've decided to put it.:twilightsmile:

Next chapter is going to be short, but it's with my pre-reader right now.  Thanks for reading!

This review brought to you by Authors Helping Authors

Name: Celestia in Excelsis

Grammar: 9.9/10. I found maybe 2-3 sentences in all 5 chapters that I thought could have been reworded to flow better, which is as close to perfect as I've ever seen in a fanfic.

Pros:

- You certainly have one of the most novel premises I've yet seen for ancient Canterlot history

- The writing itself is, by and large, magnificently done, engaging and epic. There are certain points that I feel could use more, and I'll discuss this when I come to cons.

- You've clearly built up a large mythology and engaging here. I smell the influence of Tolkien, which is never a bad thing.

Cons:

- Celestia's characterization. As far as I can tell right now, she is basically Pure Purity of Pureness. And while I understand that's the point of her character, it makes her unrelatable. What are her fears? What are her doubts? What is her dark side? Living as an orphan on the streets should be a immensely traumatic and damaging experience for any child, yet Celestia seems none the worse for it. She's, at the least, bordering on Purity Sue when she should, realistically, be emotionally scarred and full of self-doubt. Yes, I know the whole point of her character is to be pure, but giving her a tragic and sympathy-inducing past and making her completely and wholly good through and through seems a tad excessive. The orphan thing is just going overboard, in my opinion.

- Pacing. Chapters 1-3 feel rushed. We see barely anything of Unicorn Celestia, we have virtually no comprehension of her character or motivations. In my opinion, the battle of the three tribes, Celestia's ascension into an alicorn need a lot more description. What does it feel like to become a physical god? What is the scale, the desperation, and power of the final battle of a long and devastating war? These are things that would add so much to the story if conveyed, but you skip over them far more quickly than I would have liked to see.

- I know there's supposed to be a third thing here, but I got nothing.

Notes:

I really, strongly urge you to address Celestia's characterization above all else. It's easily the biggest flaw in what is otherwise a magnificently-written story. Expanding on her character even ties in with the the pacing. Let's reiterate: A poor, broken orphan who is terrible at magic is picked up by the main villain and becomes his chosen, but is utterly incorruptible and challenges him, dies, then is brought back to life as the Chosen One by the closest thing the universe has to God.  Then the three warring factions about to slit each other's throats stop fighting at her appearance and the army of the main villain rejects him and declares her their leader. Throughout all of this she expresses no significant self-doubt or fear despite having been betrayed by the closest thing she ever had to a friend, her world turned upside down, and going from weak and powerless filly to a physical god.

I don't want to seem harsh as I actually really do love this story, but I hope you can see how Mary Sueish Celestia is getting.

I hope you found this review helpful, you've earned my utmost respect as an author. If you have the time, I'd love for you to review my fic, Fragment.

>>1951465  Thank you very much for the review!  I will be revising the story soon, and taking the advice of everyone who reviewed it so far.  (Seriously, if everyone who reviews a story tells you the same thing, you know you have to address it.:twilightblush:)  Now yours is the strongest criticism of my Celestia yet.  And...you are right.  She is too good to be true.  Her tragic past is probably a bridge too far as well, but all fantasy heroes have to be orphans.  It's, like, a rule or something.:derpytongue2:  Now, I've obviously missed the mark here concerning her character.  I think I told another reviewer that I intended her to start off as a blank slate, this kind of force of pure goodness, and become progressively more flawed and interesting as the story went on.  Well, that was a terrible idea because she should be interesting and relateable right away.  I will let the audience in on some more of her fears and doubts and weaknesses in the beginning, and try to give more insight into her feelings during and since her ascension.  That innate goodness of hers has to remain strong for the first part of the story, though.  (It is vital to an important scene in a later chapter.)  Do you think I could get away with it a little more if I lampshade it?

Thank you once again for taking the time to read and review my story.  I will certainly be taking your words to heart when I revise it.  And I will definitely review your story.  (Just as soon as I read FlanChan's, yours is next.:twilightsmile:)

>>1952532

There's nothing wrong with making her incredibly innately good (after all, it's the whole point of the character). But where it runs into Purity Sue territory is that she's incredibly self-confident and sure of herself despite her entire backstory making her the opposite. Celestia should have major abandonment and self-worth issues. Here are some specific suggestions:

- Make her initial reaction to finding out Starswirl's plan confused and unsure. Her first reaction should be denial ("There's no way my mentor would do this!"). And then when Starswirl shows up she questions him on his intentions and motivations, and for a time it would seems as though she is going to pick his side. But as Starswirl reveals more, Celestia begins to see through his deception, and this causes her to fight him. This way you strengthen Celestia's characterization as smart and inquisitive while reducing the incredible self-confidence and determination to more believable levels.

- Change the way she behaves before the pheonix council. Imagine if an ordinary person were told suddenly told out of the blue "Ok, we're making you the next President. Yes, right now." In a situation like that, the only proper reaction would be along the lines of "Wait what? Are you sure? Why me? I don't think I can handle this!" Anything else would imply massive arrogance, or massive ignorance. Celestia here is leaning towards the side of ignorance, but that's also bad. You've established her in Chapter 1 as a smart, inquisitive little pony, so she should be more curious about what the phoenixes are about to do to her, as well as what's going on in general.

- I think that a huge part of the reason why it's so easy to think of post-transformation Celestia as fully grown is because everyone treats her as fully grown. If she's a filly, then that should be reflected in the way she is treated. The armies should be much more hesitant about attacking a filly and they should not instantly respect her as much. Celestia should have to put a good deal more effort into gaining their respect. Celestia herself seems to have the mind of a full-grown mare at this point. Her speech and actions are all very mature. Can you seriously imagine a kid saying “I am part of every tribe.  And I won’t see another pony dead from any one of my armies.”? Maybe mention that becoming an alicorn changed her mind or something, because it's extremely hard to reconcile her being a filly with her behavior.

- Alternatively, just make her fully grown, it will impact the current storyline much less, and making her act more like a filly would remove a lot of the drama and seriousness of chapters 3-5. And then Celestia has to deal with the implications of going from child to fully-grown without ever having dealt with the teenage years inbetween. Should make for some interesting social interactions (especially romance; I see that romance tag!) later on. I think this is the better option, really, unless Celestia being a child is a major plot point.

>>1952988  Thanks for the advice!:twilightsmile:  (Yeah, she has to stay a filly for now, so I'll be working on that.)

This story needs more readers! It's perfect! You totally made my day. The concept, the narration, your writing skills... are all awesome. Please please keep up the wonderful work and finish the story!

>>1955120

There is nothing bad with making her so sure about the plan od her master being really evil. After all It's Princess Celestia we're talking about! The embodient of Harmony, Purity and All-other-Things-that-are-all-good. Make it your way! It wasn't unbelievable for me at all! So I'm not so sure if she should side with Star Swirl even for a little while.

But the point with the Phoenix Council is worth considering. I agree with Heliostorm

Also, after the transformation I automatically pictured Celestia as a fully grown mare in my mind. And I enjoyed that vision. It made sense for me. She changed,discovered the whole new meaning of life, completely new, incomprehensible power, so in  many ways she's grown up. And I was obvious for me that she behaves diffrently, more maturely. But you're the author so if you say she's a filly, than I have nothing to do with it.

Anyway I really enjoy this story :twilightsmile:

>>1958990  Thank you so much!:twilightsmile:  And you don't have to worry about her siding with Starswirl.  I feel that would be way too out of character.

As for the filly versus grown-up Celestia, the way I see it, the first time we see Luna in the show, after Nightmare Moon is defeated, she looks really young.  Like a teenager.  And then, in Luna Eclipsed, she looks older.  I know people have all kinds of stories about what Princess Luna was doing on the moon during her banishment, but I imagine that she was basically in stasis during her imprisonment, and only started aging again once she was freed.

What this means for the story is that I think Luna was young when she betrayed Equestria.  And even though Celestia is the elder sister, I don't imagine her being that much older.  (Essentially still in her teens, in human terms.)  So the entire beginning of the story is going to take place during Celestia's adolescence.

I will be sure to revise the story to make sure the readers aren't imagining an adult Celestia during all those scenes, and add to the Phoenix Court chapter.  (I just really like the image of an alicorn filly stopping a war, to say nothing of later, when a certain spirit of chaos shows up.):twilightsmile:

>>1960698

Well,Thanks for the explanation I like it very much and I find your point entirely well-thought. :twilightsmile: And now I just can't wait to see it happen! :pinkiehappy:

>>1960698

Hmm, I can hardly imagine that several years have passed between Mare in the Moon and Luna Eclipsed, so it's hard to imagine that Luna's age-up was natural. Didn't Faust explain it as having to do with power levels?

>>1958990

Being the embodiment of all things good doesn't mean that she shouldn't have some depth to her character. A protagonist that never doubts themselves on top of being kindness incarnate and incorruptible makes for a pretty flat character. Most Hero's Journey stories start with naive, self-doubting heroes that needs lots of guidance who grow into confident, learned, and powerful characters (Frodo Baggins, Harry Potter, Luke Skywalker, Percy Jackson, etc. etc. etc.). Celestia here is basically starting where most young heroes begin, which doesn't leave a lot of room for character development.

>>1968431 Ah, she might have.  I've also heard that she said when Luna was fully mature she would look like Nightmare Moon.  I don't know.  Honestly, I suspect there is just a continuity issue, because in the Crystal Empire episodes, the flashback showed what looked like an adult Luna next to an adult Celestia (both in silhouette) banishing Sombra.  When you are dealing with the Princesses, so little is known about them that it is fun to wonder, and make things up.  I mean, maybe Luna waxes and wanes like the moon, and sometimes appears younger and sometimes in an adult form.  (Not my personal headcanon, but it's an idea.)  This story will basically be an adolescent hero fantasy for the first chapters, so Celestia is young and Luna is...well, she's on her way.:twilightsmile:

This Review is brought to you by the group Authors Helping Authors

Name: Celestia in excelsis

Grammar: 9.5/10 (Highest I give, always room to improve)

Pros: A fantastic story

Good characters

Writing is great

Cons: can't really think of any besides the ones already mentioned.

Notes: This is an amazing story, Really well done so far. Besides what others have said, I can't really add anything. Thank you for reviewing Guardians of the Hearthfire, second chapter should be up later this week. I look forward to the continuation of this great story.

Hope you liked your review, and thanks again for reviewing Guardians.

#41 · 92w, 1d ago · · · VI. The Pony in the Glass ·

Powerful books? One leaving an impression of dread? I could probably Charter seven guesses as to where some of that inspiration came from. :ajsmug:

Short chapter, but a goodie. Established another character close to Page, the one who saved her life and became friends before. Makes me wonder if this friendship will come into play later on as an example to others.

I don't have much to say on this chapter besides how excited it makes me for the next one. This seemed to be a bridge that wet the reader's appetite and left a bit of wonder for what would happen next. Wonderfully done! Makes me wish I could just turn the page right now and get to the next part. But still, no rush. I sit and wait patiently for the next iteration in this engaging story. :scootangel:

#42 · 92w, 1d ago · · · VI. The Pony in the Glass ·

> Chancellor Sweetmeats was about as inspiring as a pumpkin

Oi. Don't you go insulting pumpkins like that :flutterrage:

I'm guessing this Victory is the one represent in the statue garden?

A note on style: You switch from Page's perspective to third person omniscient and vice versa quite often, and it's not often clear that you do so until after I've read what you've written. This leaves me confused and trying to figure out whether what I just read was Page's thoughts, or the omniscient narrator. For example, this paragraph:

"Did this have something to do with the Elements of Harmony?  The princess would be so happy if it did!  She could not have known that Celestia had already read the book, and that it did not reveal the location of the lost Elements.  Excited, she read the title of the other book to survive the fire."

The first two lines seem to be Page's thoughts, while the latter two are obviously the narrator. But there's no way to know that the perspective changes in the middle of the paragraph until after you've read it and comprehended it. The easy way to fix this would be to simply put Page's thoughts in first-person italics.

Moving on, I had a suspicion about that mirror in Chapter 1, and now I'm like, 99% sure that a certain somepony is coming out of it.

#43 · 92w, 1d ago · · · VI. The Pony in the Glass ·

>>1982561  An abhorsen reference?  Wow you're good Kolwynia.

YES,  is the mirror going to become Luna?

#44 · 92w, 23h ago · 1 · · VI. The Pony in the Glass ·

>>1982561  Yeah, not too much happens in this chapter.  The next one will have more substance.  (But I wanted it to stand on its own and not start with the events in this one.)  Keep an eye on those books.  Oh, and later on  (several chapters ahead) you might catch something that is definitely inspired by the Abhorsen books.:scootangel:  (Also, if you're looking for a great MLP/Abhorsen crossover story, check out vren55's The Seven Bells and the Six Bearers.  It's only just beginning, but it's off to a great start!)

>>1982659  As for your guess about Victory... you might be onto something.:twilightsheepish:  Yeah, the omniscient POV has given me a lot of freedom to be really heavy-handed with my foreshadowing, and get into more than one character's head in a single scene... but it has its drawbacks.  I'll try to make sure things are clearer.

>>1982852  :rainbowdetermined2:  Next up: The Name of the Moon.

Thanks for reading, everyone!:twilightsmile:

Wow. Talk about a solid opening! Can't wait to see where this story goes! :pinkiehappy:

#46 · 92w, 13h ago · · · II. The Phoenix Court ·

What a great take on the Phoenix!

Another good chapter. This one is full of character development and a bit of foreshadowing at the end. (Discord perhaps?) I've enjoyed every second thus far. :twilightsmile:

#48 · 92w, 11h ago · · · VI. The Pony in the Glass ·

What a good way to spend a morning! Such a good story and I'm loving the 'Starswirl as antagonist' twist.

But it's time to get down to business...

A review from the one and only Authors Helping Authors!

Shall we give a name to this story? We shall, and it shall be christened: Celestia in Excelsis

Grammar: 9.2/10 (Really good, only a few noticeable errors)

Pros:

1. Starswirl as villain! (Brilliant twist and he embodies my all time favorite type of villain: the suave gentlemanly antagonist)

2. The characters feel real. I am enjoying each character you're creating. They all have real emotion and passion and true character that makes me understand them and want to follow their adventures. Well done!

3. Your world building is something to be admired. Not only could this fit into MLP canon, but it also makes for a good story and a believable world.

Cons:

4. Perhaps you've taken too much authority in your world building? (The show could seriously mess up some of your world if a new episode comes out talking about the past at all. I left this as a question because it's not really that big of a concern.)

5. Celestia is a filly. I can't imagine a filly the age of the CMCs doing the things Celestia is doing. I keep having to imagine her at about Twilight's age.

6. I guess the POV changes a lot. (Was never a problem for me, but might confuse other readers)

Notes:

An excellent story! I haven't found myself engrossed in a good read for quite some time and it felt good to really get lost in the world you've made. The cons are minimal at worst. You are an incredibly talented writer and I can't wait to see where the rest of this story leads. :twilightsmile:

If you have the free time, you may consider looking into my story The Secret of Sun Cloak. A brief warning: It's a doozy and it's currently in the process of being re-written to bring it in line with Season 3 (chapters 1-13 have been re-written and published). Whatever the case, I wish you a wonderful day and hope to see you around!

-Flame Runner

#49 · 91w, 6d ago · · · VI. The Pony in the Glass ·

>>1985320  Thanks for the review!  Heh, believe me I know the show could mess me up.  I watch each episode with a kind of fear that the hammer of canon will come down on me.  Most notably, I'm pretty sure that mysterious book that was floating next to Celestia and Luna in the season three premiere was written by Starswirl the Bearded.  (I might be wrong, but it has stars and a swirl on the cover.)  And I'm pretty sure they're not going to make him a villain in the show.  I have some flexibility in my story in case the show does certain things... but if Twilight gets sent back in time and we get a canon past, my story gets Alternate Universed.  (As much as I don't want that to happen, that would make a cool Season Four premiere, wouldn't it?)

I will definitely review your story.  It is kind of long, so it might take me a little while, though.:twilightsmile:

#50 · 91w, 5d ago · · · VI. The Pony in the Glass ·

This review is brought to you by the group, Authors Helping Authors.

Fic: Celestia in Excelsis

Grammar score: 8

Pros: The idea of making Starswirl corrupt is a nice reference to the idea that 'power corrupts'

The weaving of so many canon references, names, and ideas into one cohesive whole is expertly done.

The level of anticipation after each chapter is well-controlled. It isn't so over-powering that it feels like an annoying cliff-hanger, but the desire for the next installment is always there.

Cons: The pacing is rather jerky. It isn't jarring, but some things feel like they should last longer, particularly the beginning scene with Celestia in the library.

The jumps from an omniscient narrator POV to a character POV are not always clearly distinct.

After Celestia is changed into an alicorn, the fact that she is still a filly isn't made clear until later, causing a bit of confusion.

Notes: I've been meaning to review this story for a while now, and with an extra day off from college, I've finally gotten the chance. This is an incredible story, especially, as I stated above, with your weaving of so many canon elements. I didn't mention it above because I wanted to highlight what I thought were the stronger points of the story, but you've done a great job with both your OC personalities as well as with the personalities of canon characters we know only by name. Your take on the Phoenixes and Luna's origins are my favorite parts so far.

I don't want it spoiled too much, but the way you talk about them, Harmony and the Enemy (I'm assuming Discord here), it appears that Harmony is more than just an idea. Is there a physical embodiement of Harmony like there is a physical embodiement of Chaos?

Like and fav coming your way, keep up the good work!

Oh, derp, almost forgot. I'd like you to take a look at my story, Marks of Harmony. It's a long one, so I don't expect you to read it all at once. That'd be too much even for me!

Cheers!

Inky Jay

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