VIII. The Prisoner of Harmony
Eight:
The Prisoner of Harmony
“This is folly,” the wizard says, shaking his head. “The Elements of Harmony are a legend, a fantasy for colts and fillies.”
Clover the Clever smiles tenderly in a way that infuriates his mentor. “Master Starswirl, you know more about Harmony than anypony I know. Can’t you see it?”
They are sitting together in the wizard’s study. It has been a long time since they have sat together like this, the wise teacher and his faithful student. Clover has been so busy lately with his responsibilities to Princess Platinum. It has been obvious to everypony that he is going to be the next court wizard. He has surpassed Starswirl’s fondest expectations. There is nopony else the wizard would have as his successor.
“There’s nothing to see,” says Starswirl. “The power you and your friends wielded that day was a special case.”
“I don’t think it was. I think that’s the way magic is meant to work.”
“You think magic is supposed to be powered by…” he raises a graying eyebrow, “… friendship?”
“Well… yeah,” Clover says, his smile fading into something more serious. “I guess I do.”
“Do you have any idea how ridiculous that sounds?” Starswirl can not imagine it. It is the kind of thing a child would come up with, not a magician as brilliant as his faithful student.
“Yes I do. And I think that’s part of the problem. We aren’t even capable of imagining a world where friendship has that kind of power.”
“If you are right, why does magic work the way it does? Even if other pony races have magic of their own, only unicorns can cast spells. And we have to study and practice to be able to do it.”
“I’m not sure yet,” says Clover. “I think something happened, and magic itself was… broken somehow. It’s like how sometimes when a pony breaks a leg and doesn’t get to the healers, and it heals crooked. Ponies will use a crooked limb if it works. That’s what our magic is: a broken, bent power that works like it is, but was meant to be so much more.”
Starswirl sighs. He has always believed in the power of friendship, but Clover is talking about something far more tangible than the friendship he knows. Nothing he can say will dissuade his apprentice.
“You know, I was looking forward to you taking over as court wizard so I could take a nice long vacation.”
Clover grins. “Just keep that seat next to the princess warm for me. I’ll be back soon.”
They continue to talk into the night, saying their goodbyes before Clover the Clever sets out to look for the legendary artifacts of magic. They talk of trivial things. They do not realize it, but it is the last time they will be together like this.
The next time Starswirl sees his precious student is the night of the storm. The night Clover the Clever is killed by Harmony.
* * *
A piercing cry cut through the hiss of the rain, pulling Starswirl out of his memories before his thoughts could travel too far down the dark road to that other stormy night. He knew that sound. At last, he thought. He ran toward it, his drenched cloak clinging to him, his hooves caked with mud.
He found the young phoenix perched in a burned tree. All around her the forest was scarred with scorch marks. A trail of steam rose from her as the cold rain poured over her feathers. Her burning eyes watched Starswirl as he approached her tree.
“Hello there,” he said as he walked slowly toward her.
Who are you? Starswirl’s eyes widened as her words blazed across his mind. How many years had he lived with a phoenix, and never known they were capable of communicating this way.
“My name is Starswirl.”
The one who defies Harmony. I know all about you. My mother watched over you for years. You are the one who killed Celestia. My mother sacrificed herself to bring her back to life. I should burn you to ash where you stand.
Her threat did not frighten Starswirl, but seeing a creature so wrecked by grief moved him to pity. And she was younger than he had expected. She reminded him of Celestia back when unicorn filly had been living on the streets. Another lost child in the path of a heartless wizard, he thought.
“I take it you are Philomena then,” he said.
How do you know my name, wizard? Her blazing eyes narrowed at him.
“I am looking for a way to destroy Celestia, and I heard that you would be willing to help me.”
I hate her more than anything that lives, the firebird said. She spent so much hatred on Celestia that she didn’t have enough left over for anypony else, not even Starswirl. But she has become an alicorn. She has a phoenix’s immortality. Nothing can kill her.
“I’ve heard that there is a being even more powerful than an alicorn. And that you phoenixes know where to find it.”
Philomena’s fiery eyes widened. A being more powerful than… you can’t mean… If he were freed, the whole world would be in danger!
Starswirl took an eager step forward. “So you do know of it. Tell me, can this mysterious being defeat Celestia?”
The phoenix stared silently down at the wizard. There was a flash of lightning, followed by the rumble of thunder. For a moment she did not answer him. She seemed to be thinking over her choices, trying to decide how far she was willing to go.
Yes. He can defeat her. He could turn the entire world upside down if he wished. You will not be able to control him.
“He can turn the world inside out for all I care.”
You really do fight Harmony.
“I fight for a different kind of harmony.”
Philomena shook her head. I don’t know. I just want Celestia to suffer for taking my mom from me.
“If you take me to the one who is more powerful than an alicorn, I will make sure that happens.”
A moment more she waited. On the scales of her heart she weighed the whole world against the memory of her mother.
Okay, she said at last. I can take you to where the phoenix court has imprisoned him.
The phoenix spread her wings and glided down to Starswirl. As soon as her talons touched him, a flash of scarlet flame engulfed them both, vaporizing thousands of raindrops in a hiss, and leaving the place where they stood empty, but for one more scorch mark.
Starswirl had traveled by magical means many times in his long life. He had levitated by unicorn magic, ridden on an enchanted rug from Saddle Arabia, passed through the shadow-gates of Tartarus, had even been swept away in a dragon’s flame. And there was his teleportation spell, the one only he could use. But traveling by phoenix fire was not like any of those. He felt as his body was burned up painlessly, then recreated somewhere else. And in between there was light and fire and endless music.
Once it would have left him in awe.
The phoenix flame deposited them in a great passageway, high and arched and covered in gold. It was lit by torchlight and lined with polished golden statues of phoenixes in armor. Starswirl was no longer wet, or cold. The rage of the storm had been left behind. Even his starry cloak was clean. He took a step, the sound of his hoof echoing in the quiet of the vast hall. Philomena perched on the brim of his hat, setting his bells to tinkling loudly.
“Where are we?” he asked.
This is the Eternal Precipice, built on the edge of the afterlife. It is the closest you mortals can get to the next world without dying. We’re in the hall of heroes. Here’s where the champions of Harmony are remembered for what they were once, long ago.
Starswirl examined one of the statues. The golden firebird held a spear in its talons. Its helmet gleamed in the torchlight. Something inside him coiled and hissed. His scarlet eyes narrowed.
“Are all your kind warriors?”
The old ones. The ones that remember the War. This way… An image of the way they were going flashed in Starswirl’s mind the same way Philomena’s words did. He began to walk down the great hall, his hooves clacking on the golden tiles.
“What war?” he asked as they went. Starswirl had never heard of a war in which phoenixes fought as soldiers.
You are not the first to fight against Harmony. Once there was an Enemy, one who hated Harmony with all her heart. Her name was—
“I know her name,” Starswirl said softly.
Silence stretched between them.
I guess you would. I only know what the old ones say. They say she came from the Dark to wage war against the White Light. And Harmony chose us as its champions and made it so we would never die, but always be reborn, forever and ever. They say she did things so terrible that they cannot be told, not even in stories. The call her the Arch-Enemy of Friendship. And they say that in the end only one thing could withstand her power…
“The Elements of Harmony,” said Starswirl.
Yes. But they are lost now.
Starswirl tried to imagine the war the young phoenix described: the immortal army of Harmony clashing against the ghostly forces of the one they called Enemy. It must have made every war that followed, no matter how terrible, look like a schoolyard skirmish between foals. And he had never known about it. It was humbling, after more than a century pursuing knowledge, to be reminded in a single day the scope of all he still did not know. One day, if he ever managed to get his time travel spell working right, he would like to travel to that lost age, to witness with his own eyes the war that started it all.
The hall of heroes seemed to go on forever. A thousand pairs of golden eyes glared at them as they passed between the rows of statues. Starswirl felt a cold contempt for the firebirds. As far as he was concerned, the light of Harmony had blinded the creatures.
As for Philomena, shame filled her as she passed under the statues’ gaze. Defensively she let a curtain of anger fall between her and them. They had no right to judge her. The phoenixes whose images stood sentry in the great hall were all still alive. None of them would ever truly die. Not the way her mother died. They would never know what it was like to be alone.
“Where are the other phoenixes?” Starswirl asked.
The phoenix court dwells near the well of the flame of life, where mortals cannot go. The rest of us are out in the world of the living, watching over it.
“Then what was this place built for?” Starswirl asked, gesturing with a hoof.
After the War of Light, the races of Harmony lived in peace. The phoenix court built the Eternal Precipice so that ponies and the other races could come here and remember. But they forgot. Only the ever living ones remember.
The hall ended at a set of doors. They were engraved with seven symbols that Starswirl did not recognize. When Philomena did not offer a translation, he pulled on them with his magic. They swung open with ease, revealing a domed chamber decorated with a jeweled depiction of the heavens. At the top of the dome a single violet gemstone, carved into a six-pointed star, glowed with warm light.
Several sets of doors led out of the domed chamber. Each was engraved with a different scene. One set had a forest carved into it. Another had a lighthouse on the edge of the sea. The entrance Starswirl had just stepped through closed behind him. From this side it was engraved with a host of armored phoenixes with swords and spears in their talons.
Over there, said Philomena, indicating the doors on the far side of the chamber. The engraving was of a winged unicorn with a blindfold, one hoof tipping a set of scales.
“Where do all the other doors go?”
Empty halls and chambers. The Eternal Precipice is a museum now. The age of Harmony ended a long time ago. All that’s left are statues and torches burning in rooms no one cares about. Young phoenixes are brought here to listen to the stories of the old heroes, a bunch of legends and prophecies.
“Prophecies?” asked Starswirl. The future interested him even more than the past.
They’re just stories. Fantasies.
Starswirl smiled. “Once, a friend of mine left to go looking for something I considered a fantasy.”
Did he find it?
“No. But he learned that some legends are true, and I learned not to dismiss stories and fantasies.”
Philomena shrugged with her wings. Our kind believe that one day, the Elements of Harmony will return, and with them, friendship’s greatest champion. The phoenix’s voice became bitter. Some of my kind believe that Celestia is the one we are waiting for. Others say no, that we wait for another. All of them agree she has been touched by Harmony. I am supposed to love her, but I hate her.
Starswirl considered what she was saying. It echoed what Clover’s ghost had told him in Tartarus. Celestia was somehow key to Harmony’s design. If his plans were to succeed, she would need to be dealt with. If he had to unravel her destiny to do it, he would.
I’ve never been beyond this door, Philomena murmured. I am afraid…
Starswirl’s horn glowed. A slit of light appeared to slice the winged pony engraving in half, then the two halves were pulled apart as the doors opened on a brilliant white passageway. Starswirl did not share the young phoenix’s apprehension. Just down this corridor was the reason he had come here: a being more powerful than an alicorn. He felt no fear, only dark desire.
As he stepped through the doorway, Philomena crawled under his starry hat to hide. Starswirl did not stop her, though he wondered what could frighten a being that could not be killed.
They advanced down the passageway, the wizard and the cowardly firebird.
Long ago the well of life was poisoned by the Enemy, said Philomena. Its light was stained with the shadow of Chaos. Life itself was twisted into new forms and combination creatures. That was how monsters came to be, like cockatrices and manticores and other, darker things.
Up ahead, Starswirl could see the end of the passage, not a door but a glowing opening.
And it wasn’t just the bodies of living things, their souls got mixed up too. That’s how the spirits of Chaos were born.
They reached the end of the corridor, which opened onto a ledge looking out over a gaping chasm, full of light. Starswirl stared down into the warm pink glow of Chaos, which pulsed like a great heart.
Of all the spirits of Chaos, one was the most terrible. A creature put together like patchwork out of the bodies and souls of countless beings. The draconequus.
In the sickly light, something stirred.
“A visitor?” a deep, smooth voice echoed out of the chasm. “It’s been such a long time. Oh, but you should have let me know you were coming…”
The pink light expanded like a balloon, enveloping everything. Starswirl felt Philomena tremble underneath his hat. The ledge turned to liquid beneath his hooves and poured itself like a waterfall out of the white passageway. Starswirl started to fall, but cast a levitation spell on himself so that he hovered in the air as the world changed around him. The corridor vanished into the cliff side, which grew fur. The waterfall turned into milk, which immediately spoiled and fell into a steaming bog where the light used to be. Out of the bog rose two great stone trolls, which pulled from the swamp a black throne and held it between them, lifting it up high until it rose above the hovering wizard and phoenix.
Upon the throne sat the one who was made of different kinds of creatures. Just like Celestia, thought Starswirl, and he felt the same awe that he had felt the first time he had seen her with her wings. This, though, was no alicorn. He had the shape of a dragon, though there was something pony about him as well, a gryphon’s talons, a lion’s paw, a goat’s horn and an antler, a pair of mismatched wings, scales and fur and hooves… and that was just on the surface. His eyes were as red as burning coals and they regarded Starswirl with neither kindness nor malice, but an unfathomable amusement.
“…I would have cleaned the place up a bit.” He gave a fanged smile.
Starswirl looked around at the changed scenery, tried to imagine the kind of magic that could effortlessly transform the world around it. It was awe-inspiring. It might even be enough to stand against a being that could raise the sun by herself. This is the one I seek, he thought. This spirit of Chaos.
“What is your name, young unicorn?”
Starswirl felt his skin prickle. He had not been called young in nearly a century. “I am Starswirl, the wizard.”
“And I am the Lord of Chaos, the Prince of Pandemonium, the Mixed-Up Master of Mischief…” Lightning flashed out of the clear sky, brightening the draconequus’s gargoyle face. “…Discord.” He reached out with his lion’s paw and snatched a glass of some dark liquid out of the air. As he sipped from it, the swamp beneath them dried up, becoming a desert. Wind swept across the sand and the stone trolls that held his throne sank up to their knees, bringing Discord’s throne down so that he was at eye level with Starswirl. “Tell me, to what do I owe the honor of this visit?”
“Is it true that you are powerful enough to defeat an alicorn?”
Discord raised an eyebrow. “An alicorn? Oh is there one of those walking the land of the living? I’ve been out of the world for too long. And you want it dealt with, do you? Interesting…”
“Can you do it?”
“And why would you want me to?”
“She is standing in my way.”
The draconequus frowned. “Oh, I see… you belong to Cauchemar.”
Philomena felt the name of the Enemy like an icy wind blowing right through her body. They all did.
“I belong to nopony,” said Starswirl. His war against the White Light may have brought his destiny under the shadow of the one the phoenixes called Enemy, but the lost wizard did not belong to her. Not yet.
Discord yawned. “Another misled puppet. Oh, but the darkness is so boring in the end. You should serve me instead. I would at least make things… interesting.”
Starswirl smiled. “I’m counting on it.”
The draconequus leaned forward. “What are you proposing?”
“I free you from this place and you bring down an alicorn princess.”
Discord held out his mismatched arms and iron shackles appeared, binding them. “It’s a nice thought. Unfortunately, the phoenix court foresaw young servants of darkness like yourself who would be willing to loose the Lord of Chaos upon the world once more. The spell that would let me out of this place is a simple one. There is only one catch: none but a servant of Harmony can free me, and only if his heart is pure. I’m afraid you do not qualify.”
Starswirl’s eyes glittered with triumph. “Is that all?” He magicked his hat off of his head, revealing the cowering phoenix underneath. “Discord, meet Philomena.”
What are you doing?!
“It’s time for you to do your part.”
I can’t do this! My heart isn’t pure! All I want is revenge!
She has no idea, thought Starswirl. The little phoenix might have brought him here to help him wage his war against Harmony, and she might despise Celestia, who Starswirl knew was as innocent a pony as had ever lived, but all of Philomena’s hatred sprang from a well of fiery love. Though she did not realize it, and Starswirl would not tell her because he needed her for his plan, she really was a child of Harmony.
“Just try, Philomena. Isn’t it worth trying, for your mother’s sake?”
Philomena nodded.
Discord watched this exchange with a curious expression. “A phoenix child? I’m impressed. I thought the whole phoenix court feared and hated me.”
They do, said Philomena.
“Well, if you can say these words and mean them, the spell that holds me here will be broken. I don’t see how you will be able to though.”
He reached out one clawed finger and scratched a glowing spell into the air. Philomena watched. When he was finished, the words hung there between them, light shining from every letter.
Philomena glowed with golden light as she read the few short, simple lines.
At this hour of Friendship’s need,
According to the Phoenix Creed,
The wish of Harmony’s servant heed,
And let this spirit of Chaos be freed.
She said the words and meant them. The love she had for her mother, the pain of that eternal loss that her young heart did not know how to deal with, her furious hatred of Celestia… all these things mixed and blurred within her, becoming a single shining emotion, filling every single word that her soul spoke.
Discord’s red eyes widened as he felt the power that bound him released. He let out a long sigh. For the first time in hundreds of years he could return to the land of the living. He quivered with sudden excitement as a universe of possibilities erupted inside him. He could go anywhere, do anything. And he would. Oh yes, he would do everything. He would make rivers run backward and make the weather edible. He would pour his sticky madness over the world like syrup. Every day would be a holiday to celebrate the beauty of insanity. The light of Harmony that shone in the world would not fall to glum darkness, but instead be splintered—shattered into a million fragments that he would pick up and recreate in his own piecemeal image. He would build a kingdom of Chaos without borders, a stormy sea of disharmony to break against the secret realm that lay on the other side of the sky. Yes, he would do all of these things…
But first…
“Tell me more about this alicorn princess."
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Oh oh god oh god. That update. How will philomena become celestia's pet now? Don't forget to mail eqd so that they update your story!
2305937 Thanks!
That's the thing about a story set in the past: we know where the characters end up, but how did they get there? (All will be revealed...
)
(Hmm... this chapter ended up being very exposition-filled. Next one will be more exciting. Finally, Celestia will face her first real challenge since getting her wings.)
Next up: The Toys of Chaos
Wut?
2306098
Especially Philomena dang it. I can't see the relationship Celestia and that phoenix have in the show coming out of what she just did.
For some reason that I don't understand, this bothers me.
Amazing chapter.
Sadly for Discord the question is not can you fight one alicorn, but it is can you fight two?
2306680
Obviously Philomena is going to be filling some intense regret over what she did, especially when she realizes that it didn't help things or make her feel better at all. Celestia's virtue may be impressed upon her, she may even find something of her mother in there, and Celestia has always be a pretty damn forgiving individual.
Read Later ^3^
The plot thickens! I am excite!
And this Cauchemar.... I am eager to find out more about her.
2307869
You've encountered her before. If you wish to know more, I suggest learning just what the French Cauchemar means should you whisk it into English...
Wow. This is one of the most original stories I've read here so far.
At first I was skeptical while reading the summary, but you've got me hooked! This chapter really makes me wonder what will happen next...Although if Discord is Celestia's 'one true love' then shit is going to happen
...
I can't wait to find out more!
2306098 Oh... I got a bad feeling about that one
One more thing... if Celestia could give LUna half of forever, why didn't the pheonix give Celestia half of her life?????
2308165 And I thought I was excited before
This is gonna be good!
2306680
I sort of get the feeling that she'll face-to-face with Celestia and feel the spirit of her mother still inside of her, or like her mother's wishes were passed on to Celestia.
2306345 We'll get there eventually...
2307869 We'll find out a lot more about her before the Discord arc ends.
2310332 Thanks! Next chapter might take a little while thanks to a 25-30 page paper I have to write for school, but hopefully it will be worth the wait!
2310406 A very good question! The short answer is that it was because Celestia was dead. If Celestia was only wounded, things would have been different. Also, the fairy mirror that Luna emerged from uses a different kind of magic from the kind phoenixes use. I'm not sure if it's going to come up in the story in a scene of exposition. (Maybe later, when we encounter some changelings.) If I can fit it in naturally, I'll do it, but here goes: fairy creatures include parasprites (which are on the bottom rung in terms of magical power), fairy clones like the ones Pinkie pulled out of the Mirror Pool (ordinary pony-level magic), and the changelings, which are corrupted fairy creatures. (Changelings really do have to do with fairies in mythology, so I didn't think it too much of a stretch.) Then there's whatever it was that was on the other side of the fairy mirror, which became Luna when Celestia gave up half her power and life. Luna is special. I doubt the creators of the mirror could have imagined an alicorn like Celestia being the one to use it! Anyway, so we've got two different kinds of magic being used in the two situations. On one hand you have phoenix magic, which would be closer to the power of Harmony, used to raise Celestia from the dead and transform her into an alicorn. On the other hand you have fairy magic, which is a bit of a mystery, used to take half of Celestia's magic and life to bring another alicorn into the world.
2311990
Cool.
Wonder who he is?
2311598
I've been thinking about this a lot, and I agree with you, but it seems to me that Philomena should have to face some sort of punishment in the Phoenix Court. Maybe Celestia is called as witness and pleads on Philomena's behalf?
The writing is wonderful, it just jumps right off the page!
2311990 that makes much more sense :D
This... this is nothing short of amazing.
2312213>>2314378 Thanks!
Chilling! I am really excited for the next chapters. Things are moving a lot faster than I thought they would, and I love it.
2315277 Thank you. Yeah, the story has to be fast-paced sometimes since it spans a thousand years!
Errmegerhd Discerd!
Seriously loving this story so far. It has a really interesting writing style to it, and Its an interesting take on several Ponies origins.
2322423 Thanks!
Hopefully you will like Discord's origin too, when it is revealed...
This is definitely one of the best stories I've read. Unique ideas and world-building combined with good pacing; definitely following this one.
2322587
\('-')/ Praise the Sun!
I look forward to it.
I see you've gained quite the following.
Great imagry with Discord, having the landscape change to segment the exposition allowed for some good flow. Starswirl's disbelief in Clover's words as "Childish" reminds me of a scripture that states that even children could say things that confound the wise.
Philomena seems to be lacking in something. All I can think of right now is vocabulary. To show the most respect to my mom, I call her "Mother." It seems to have a bit more emotional impact that the simple "mom" that she talks about. She's part of a race that seems to pride themselves in a sort of perfection, I think that would show in her vocabulary. Mother, to me, is a more loving and fond way of adressing her.
Caught a bit of forshadowing there related to Teleportation. Like to see how it becomes manifest.
Keep going, Kolwynia. I'm still here, just have my lone voice thrown into the masses.
2324713 Thank you. (Yeah, I'm really happy with how well this is going over. It's on track to surpass my most popular story to date, A Spell for Lyra! Here's hoping I don't derail it in future chapters.)
Interesting note about the Mother/Mom thing. I always thought "Mom" was more personal. (My own mom would have been annoyed if I called her Mother.) Now I wonder what other people think... Anyway, you are right on in thinking that they are a race that pride themselves in perfection. They are uncompromising. (Almost angelic.) That is why Philomena's actions were so unthinkable.
Glad you caught the teleportation thing.
(It's not huge in itself, but it's one more bread crumb laid on a trail that's leading somewhere...)
Interesting remark about Starswirl. I believe you are right. The kind of idealistic (some would say simplistic) friendship and love that is celebrated in the show is very pure. There's a reason it has attracted the following it has. The world is so cynical. That is the difference between Starswirl and Celestia. She has embraced this silly idea that friendship really is magic, while he has lost that belief and grown cold.
Thanks for continuing to read this. (And I'm looking forward to that Scootaloo story you've got in the works!
)
2322862 Thanks! Hopefully I don't disappoint.
2306680 Here's an idea that might help you wrap your head around it: what if all the other phoenixes put her on probation and Celestia is the probation officer? After a millennium or two (when we see her) she would be pretty tired of rattling the cage, so we don't see overt resentment, but it would explain why she's pranking the Elements of Harmony.
2363788
Ya, that makes since.
After thinking about that whole thing trying to figure out why it bothered me so much and the only thing I can come up with is my love for Philomena and and my unwillingness to accept that she'd do something so evil. (Phoenixes are my favorite mythological creatures)
*sigh*
This review is brought to you by the group authors helping authors
Story: Celestia in Excelsis
Grammar: 10 out of 10. I seriously could not find anything wrong inside.
Pros: the originality of the alicorn origins was perhaps one of the most unique ways I have ever seen in a story. Luna being a copy yet a reflection was a great change in the usual basic sister way.
Starswirl as the villain Is a great idea. This is one of the first times I have ever seen him as an antagonist in the story.
The entire setup of your story is a very interesting premise. The dark tone forms a nice feeling for the readers.
Cons: pacing of the story could use a little work. The first few chapters seemed a little rushed to me.
I felt that it would have been nice to see Starswirl as Celestias master before he was revealed evil. Seeing him appear nice then have it show what he was planning would have been more shocking, but that is just my opinion.
Notes: I was surprised how unique you have made this story. Not often am I surprised when I read stories, and yet this one did that for me. Keep up the good work and I look forward to future chapters.
2377103 Thank you!
I have enjoyed your story. I look forward to more of it. Please keep up the great work.
2398362 Thank you very much.
The next chapter will be coming, hopefully before long. (School assignments are keeping me pretty busy this month, but come summer I'm going to be able to update a lot more frequently.)
I spy Discord!
Oh? And a new villain begins to emerge? Plus we learn a little bit more about magic (teleportation).
Wonderful as always! I can't wait for the next chapter!
2415575 Thanks!
Next chapter kicks off the Discord arc. It will be a little while before it comes out, though. (Thanks to school work. I have three final papers; one is not done at all, one is half done, and one is 90% done.) And yep, there are little hints about magic sprinkled in this chapter. (Also previous chapters.)
Glad you liked it.
Oh gawd, I've been meaning to write this. Why did you have to beat me to it?
Will put this in my 'Read it Later' will read it as soon as possible. Afterwards, I'll edit this out and comment properly on the story.
2589617 Ha! I'm sure your Celestia story will end up very different. (Heck, I even wrote scenes with her as a filly in my first fanfiction story that had a totally different take on the character than this one.) There can never be too many stories about the coolest princess ever!
Oh! I just checked your userpage and noticed you seem to be a fan of Le Morte D'Arthur. Malory's Merlin, and my reaction to the character, was a huge influence on my Starswirl the Bearded.
Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoy it!
Damn you, you've got me listening to Christmas carols out of season!
Hoort hoe in de stille dalen
't Eng'lenkoor met vreugde zingt
Hoort hoe berg en bos herhalen
't Lied dat door de hemel klinkt
Glooo-o-o-o-o-ooooo-o-o-o-o-ooooo-o-o-o-o-oooria
In excelsis Deo!
Glooo-o-o-o-o-ooooo-o-o-o-o-ooooo-o-o-o-o-oooria
In excelsis Deeee-eeeeeoooo!
Right, let's get down to business.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Celestia in Excelsis
Grammar score out of 10: 10
Pros:
- The story has a very strong, gripping plot.
- You manage to pull off a very colourful, bombastic writing style without any cheese.
- Your headcanon is very interesting and engaging.
Cons:
- The first chapter feels very rushed.
- You jump back and forth between an omniscient narrator and the characters' own perspectives a little too quickly sometimes.
- The lighthearted, quasi-comedic scenes every now and then feel a little out of place.
Notes:
Against habit, I'll start with a weak point. Not because I want to be nasty or I didn't find any strong points, but because my main point of criticism concerns the first chapter of the story.
In this chapter, I feel too much happens in too few words. We learn that Celestia is Starswirl's apprentice, and that her life before he took her in wasn't very pleasant. We see her almost make a life-changing decision to bring a magical entity she's never seen before to life. She discovers that the magic of friendship is much stronger, and easier for her to perform, than the magic Starswirl has been trying to teach her. Then we find out that Starswirl has a huge evil plan to plunge all of Equestria into darkness and make the pegasi and earthponies bow to unicorn rule. Finally, Celestia challenges Starswirl to a duel and he kills her, all in the space of... 3,261 words. Seems a little rushed, don't you think?
This could, and should, have been spread out over, say, three chapters of that length. Take your time to establish that Starswirl and Celestia are living together as teacher and apprentice, then have Celestia slowly discover the magic of friendship, as well as clues to her teacher's evil plan, and then have her confront him. It would make the confrontation, and the glorious battlefield scene that follows, that much more satisfying if they were properly built up to.
Then again, I can't blame you for wanting to get to the good stuff fast - because in this case, the good stuff is really, really good.
Take the battlefield scene. What better way for Celestia to win everypony's respect than by single-hoovedly raising the sun that Starswirl and his cronies have lowered? It's very believable that such an act would earn her a lot of respect and admiration, because it immediately establishes her both as a "good guy" and as extremely powerful. It's also very symbolic, and generally awesome.
And that's just the beginning. After that, you launch into something too few stories have: a cast-iron plot. There's a high-stakes game with many players - Celestia, Luna, Starswirl, Philomena, Discord, Page, Victory Song, possibly Dewdream - each with their own reasons to play, and their own ideas of what constitutes "winning". And that's exactly what we want to see in a story tagged "Adventure"! (Well, it's what I want to see, at least). It's full of tension and intrigue. It's not too simple, not too complicated, just right. Bravo!
Your headcanon, about Starswirl, Clover, Cauchemar, the phoenixes, the souls of the dead, etc., is very interesting as well. It's well fleshed out and really lends itself to telling a compelling story. And to top it off, you write all of this in a very florid, bombastic style, full of heavy words and colourful metaphors, and it works. Very few writers can pull that off without sounding stupid or cheesy.
You use an omniscient narrator for a little foreshadowing here and there. This is a nice touch, and you generally manage to hit the sweet spot between giving away too little to build meaningful tension, and killing the tension by giving away too much. However, you sometimes switch from a character's perspective to the omniscient narrator's and back a little too abruptly (within the same paragraph, on some occasions). This can be rather jarring, as it forces the reader to think about who's narrating now: that character, or the mysterious figure who can see years into the future?
Sometimes you break away from all the heavy drama for a lighter touch - Starswirl's scene with the demon guards, or Luna saying that her cutie mark looks 'kind of cool'. These moments break the spell of the story a little, since they don't really "fit in".
Overall, though, this is a truly great story. User-page-favourite material. And I've got to mention how good it feels to read a story with proper grammar for a change. It has sections in the past tense, sections in the present tense, and you're consistent in both! I didn't think I'd see the day... Then again, the fact that this is a remarkable quality says depressing things about the general level of grammar in pony fanfiction.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story: Arsenal of Harmony
2591367 Thanks for the review!
Yeah, the narration has its flaws (more noticeable in my current chapter than ever), so I'll try to work on that. I wanted the omniscient narrator so that I could sprinkle in foreshadowing and be a bit flowery with my language sometime, but it has given me a lot of problems with the characters' POV.
I think you are the first reviewer to mention the lighter moments as being out of place. Good to know. I think I'm going to strike a couple sentences from my current chapter...
I will read your story as soon as possible, and will hopefully have a review for you within the week.
Thanks again!
I somehow knew it was discord from the moment philomena said "him". Still, you did we'll with the dramatic reveal.
The second a being powerful enough to defeat an alicorn was mentioned, I knew who it was.