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Twilight Sparkle writes an important letter about how she became friends with Lyra the unicorn, a mistake she made, its terrible consequence, and one of friendship’s hardest lessons.
(Thanks to _Medicshy for giving me his feedback on this. Anything about the characters in the story that seems off is probably an instance of me not taking his advice.)
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I liked the take to this myself, and found it a rather clever play on Lyra's love of humans motif. Lyra was pretty adorable in this. I don't particularly feel that this world is all that bad, but it might look that way to candy colored ponies. Either way, a cute idea, and a fun read!
833957
mememaker.net/static/images/memes/437180.jpg
Very heartwrenching, although the ending didn't answer all my questions. Nice job with it all.
hell people think im nuts for believing in other worlds. glad to see that im not the only one here.
Interesting. A grammar mistake, though:
“Don’t say that. Your are very special!”
Your are? :P
833957 That certainly was a great twist!
So great, you felt the need to ruin it in the first comment!
The only problem is that I'm still kind of confused as to where Lyra went. First Twilight says Lyra got lost on the way, but then she says Lyra was in our world now.
Other than that, great story, and thanks a lot for ruining my day with all that sadness.
834236 Thanks for catching that. I hate it when I do that!
And thank you to everyone who read this story.
Hope you enjoyed it, and I haven't left anything too unclear. If I have...
...I'll do better next time...
834259
A fair point. I've edited my remark to obscure it more to protect those who would read the comments first. Sorry if I took some enjoyment of it from you.
SPOILER ALERT FOR PEOPLE WHO READ COMMENTS FIRST
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834401
... the implication is that the reader is Lyra. How the bloody hell do you miss this?
Anyway, that was a really, really well-written story. Just wow.
Edit: More accurately, the implication is that Lyra is one of the readers and that she can still accomplish her dream by sharing the magic of friendship.
Apart from that, the tragedy tag is so well-deserved that I just had to come back and read parts again.
Don't worry twilight! Lyras here, and she's safe.
This is one of the best stories i have read from fics to actual books you really captured the emotion
Welp, time to go be friendship.
Not bad. Very imaginative and I like the twist towards the end. My only nitpick is that our world isn't quite that bleak. If it was, how would we even know that stuff like friendship is valuable? That caring for others is a good trait and priceless beyond measure? MLP did not create that ideal, it only brought it to a new generation of Internet-raised children who had grown too used to the caustic cynicism and snobbishness that has infested the communications web. But the old stories are there, and waiting, and in them humans express our greatest desires and our fervent beliefs.
We ain't perfect, but we ain't as bad as we're out to be. Twilight's been reading stuff written by misanthropes, methinks.
Still, not a bad story. You get a thumbs up, but no fave.
834875
Living here, we can say it's not that bad. But Twilight and Lyra are probably reading general history. And that usually talks about the Hitlers and wars, rather than a group of best friends getting together for a BBQ to celebrate a pregnancy.
What if all this is true and Lyra reads this?
this is a great story. I would say this is a textbook example of a tragedy. It's sad and a little bleak, but offers hope.
Now I'm thoroughly sad, why you gotta do dat?
I was gonna go to bed and have a nice sleep, now I got to deal with this sad story bouncing around.
I'd say I dislike you right now, but that's not fair, I chose to read this story despite the tags and I'll admit it was well written though sad.
one of the most unique plot-twists ive seen in ages, 1 grinning Pinkie
and a favourite!
Doubting my existence.
Feels deep in my heart, guys. So much feel.
*sniff* fav'd
It's ok Twilight, it's not half as bad here as you think! Lyra is doing pretty well. we'll take care of her Twilight
834211 It isn't quite odd once you think about it, we know that there are infinite universes thus infinite possibilities and along side them there are parallel universes different of our own and through other universes as well, so its not hard to think that our thoughts project out into the cosmos and eventually make said thoughts real, in the infinite, equestia and many other places we love to read and watch have there own set universes and parallels different of our own, so in one such universe in Equestria Lyra has in fact tried to get to the "fairtale" world of humans, did she succeed with the spell? depends on what universe you see it from, if she did succeed is she in our "fairytale" world quite possibly actually.
But its also possible she traveled to one of our parallels. Not to mention the discription of us twi read could imply she wasn't talking about this universe were we love and make friends but of one of our parallels where we are much worse off where things like friendship and love really are frail concepts barely hanging on.
In all honesty I hope shes safe here and with us just suffering from amnesia although with her case, everything equestrian is erased... just thinking of someone who can't remember half their own life makes me pretty sad but memories don't make you who you are, its also possible when Lyra came here she was "born" into this universe just like any of us.
Anywho if shes here we know in this world she is being taken care of by someone who is kind and caring, because here we're not all bad we have hearts and I'm not implying just bronies but the world as a whole so if anyone asks for help no matter who they may be, help them out, cause you never know who they may have been before. :)
Must cut this short sorry for making your eyes sore I could have gone much longer heh xP it IS about the infinite universes after all, but as such many people can easily be confused by the idea of this subject. Anyway just wanted to say I too am someone who believes in the existence of another fantastic world beyond our own including many others not to mention now I'm the one who sounds like a complete lunatic. xD
834569 And as for you I thoroughly enjoyed this, for me it was a great read but for someone else it could have meant something much more then just a fic from a "fantasy" world so thank you for bringing it to us please keep writing! you have earned an upvote and fave :D
Sidenote for others: if I disturbed anyone in anyway with my beliefs I apologize in advance
PPS: it actually makes me laugh that in a universe that has "The Doctor" he does make it to equestria and is turned into an equine and must take the alias of doctor Whooves don't know why just thinking on the antics he could/has done makes me just laugh.
PPPS: Its also worth to note the "E" universe doesn't follow the same laws as our own universe does, time itself may not even be the same a year or two there could, very well be several years or maybe even decades here.
Oh dear Celestia my heart.
wow! absolutely amazing! (i did have to re-read some parts seeing as im some what retarded and didnt understand
)
but i loved it! it really opened my eyes into lyra's thoughts
1016845 Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
First off, great style. Letter narration fits Twilight rather well and it helped tie things in at the end, but I'll talk more on my impressions of the climax later.
I enjoy a fiction that treats Lyra with respect and maturity (especially after reading Background Pony) I've usually found more disdain than humor when it comes to her fan-given obsession over humans as it always seemed to lack purpose beyond the comical, and only served the purpose to demean her. What you have done is strike a perfect balance by adding an actual purpose behind the obsession and making it a very personal one. This caused me to appreciate the character and be able to understand her motivations.
and again, I must express my appreciation for giving her a motivation beyond simple and unexplained obsession. This I love.
Believe it or not, I can relate to her dream, but that's a story for another time. That is, if you have an ear for it.
I also liked how you were able to establish a first and last memory of Lyra, bringing something more personal ti it. quite a feat for such a short story. I caught the significance to it.
The ending, however enjoyable it was, seemed to be missing, or lacking could be the better word. In retrospect in writing this comment to you on paper, I realize that this could have been on purpose since there really was no resolution to the story. It fits, but it leaves the reader wanting more.
Which gives me an idea or two which I'll share with you later. Just wanted to let you know I read this, and enjoyed what I read. Great job! Glad you've received a bit of fame on it.
1451987 Thanks! Yeah, this story has been my most popular one so far. I always felt that the idea behind it was stronger than the actual writing. I was worried that some readers might find the twist at the end too "meta," but the response was very positive. Confession: I have never actually read a Lyra story with the exception of the first chapter to Arcainum's Harpflank and Sweets. I was familiar with the fan idea that she was obsessed with humans thanks to fan art and comics. Other than that I had no preconceived notions about her character or personality.
Mostly I just wanted to write a story for all those fans of the show that have expressed a longing to leave our world somehow and get into Equestria. So many Human in Equestria stories are driven by that desire and I find that sentiment both beautiful and sad. Like kids who finish C.S. Lewis's Narnia books and check the backs of their wardrobes, or keep waiting for that owl to swoop down out of the sky with their acceptance letter from Hogwarts. I wanted to tell a story that was the reverse of that kind of escapism, and would leave the reader with a sense of their own potential to make this world the kind of place that people would like to escape into. Was I successful? Well, like I said, I think the idea behind it was stronger than the actual execution, but people seemed to like it.
1454654 I've actually been entertaining the idea of writing a human insert myself, but I think my motivations differ from most. I'm thinking about taking a more realistic approach to such a happenstance. How would they react to the concept of clothing preserving innocence? What about the idea of God, if that man were to be a Christian? I would even suspect that the man would be seen as another monster of the Everfree at first...
I've set this idea aside. For now at least. I don't believe I've the skill in my writing yet to pull it off. What I would hope to create is something that contrasts the different forms of innocence and love. How through trial, we can come out with more knowledge and understanding than we can in an innocent world such as Equestria.
Anyway, I'll being paying that one last work of yours a visit when I have the time. Least I could do for all you've helped me with.
1455582 Fair warning: Falls the Shadow was the first fanfic I ever wrote. It's long and it's kind of a mess in some ways. Also, it's full of geek references (including video games) and crosses over with Doctor Who (plus has a cameo from a couple of ponified graphic novel characters). It's close to my heart and I'm glad whenever someone reads it, but I'll be the first to admit that it's got some issues. (Still, I had a lot of fun writing some scenes in it, especially the stuff with Celestia and Luna as fillies.)
Interesting idea for a human insert story. I know a lot of people don't like Human in Equestria stories, and I can't say any of them have ended up on my favorites list yet, but I think the concept is one that can be amazing if done right. (And don't knock your writing skills; every chapter of Life-Led seems to be better than the one before. It will be interesting to see what you choose to write after you are done with that story.)
1651835 Thanks! I tagged it "Tragedy" but not "Sad" because I don't actually consider it a sad story. Though I do think it is possible to have legitimate strange tag combinations. For instance, some people say that you shouldn't have a story tagged both "Sad" and "Comedy" because they are totally different genres, but if I were to tag a novel like Joseph Heller's Catch-22, that is exactly how I think it should be tagged. Both of those elements are equally important and definitive to the book. It is both very sad and very funny throughout the story. Anyway, I'm glad you liked it. Thanks for reading!
And that picture of Lyra is adorable.
That was truly beautiful. I haven't read a short story with that much impact for quite some time. Well done! Well done!
Review Time!
(This review brought to you with limited commercial interruptions by the Authors Helping Authors Group)
Grammar: 10/10
I can normally catch at least one grammar mistake, but I couldn't find one. You're either the most incredible self-editor ever or you have a team of professionals at your back. (If it's the latter, please make sure to thank them for me)
Cons:
-What cons? Seriously, there is very little in this story that could be improved.
Pros:
-Everything
-You wrote Lyra so beautifully, you gave her passion, vision, real character, and even flaws. (I like your version of Lyra better than the typical fanon version)
-The premise was interesting and quickly pulls the reader in.
-The ending was executed excellently. A great twist, both sad and hopeful.
Extra Notes:
Instant like and fave. This story is amazingly deep for being so short. The only nit-pick I can add is that Twilight felt slightly off, even though she stayed well in character. I know this sounds contradictory and I can't quite place my finger on it (might just be my own head canon interfering), but there is just something that feels off. Even still, Twilight is totally believable and I thoroughly enjoyed this story. You deserve every thumbs up you get!
1921029 Thank you for your timely review! It's funny, but my pre-reader said almost the exact same thing about my Twilight. (And it's really good to hear from you, because one of the things that really impressed me about your Season Z, Episode J story was how spot-on the characters were.)
So glad you liked it.
i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/437/779/a46.gif
I know I've seen you somewhere. What other stories have you written?
1930247 In addition to this one, I've written a one-shot called The Everfree Horror (Kind of an H.P. Lovecraft / Fairy Tale tribute with a comedic twist), an adventure story called Falls the Shadow, and I'm working on my princess adventure story, Celestia in Excelsis.
Thank you so much for reading.
1930265Hm. Okay, I don't remember any of those. Maybe I saw you commenting somewhere else. Though I will read this when I get the chance.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: A Spell for Lyra
Grammar score out of 10 (1 is grammar that needs to be worked upon as basic principles such as capitalization and spelling is an issue, and 10 is impeccable): 10 I did not catch a single mistake.
Pros
Made the reader feel as though they were a part of the story.
Explored a background character.
Sent a nice message about friendship to the reader.
Cons
Stereotypical portrayal of humans as sad, evil wretches.
Had some trouble drawing me in in the beginning.
Twilight seemed a little too reluctant to study new things. Seems a little out of character to me.
Notes Section
With a nice use of second person, and by writing it in letter format, you really made the me feel like I was Lyra. Which would cause a few gender issues for me, being male. Also, I am always happy to see a background character receive some attention. Although, I don’t see why everyone assumes Lyra is obsessed with humans. I don’t care if it is common, it just doesn’t make sense to me. Sure, she’s a background character, but if humans were in any capacity known in Equestria, I’m sure that the writers would have made a joke or two about us by now. But, that’s just me, and my opinion.
Now, for a personal peeve of mine. Humans are not pure evil. We are not, sad, or cruel, or selfish all of the time. Humans are born with unlimited potential, for both good and evil. The thing is, when someone does something good, everyone thinks “Oh, that’s nice. Moving on, then.” It’s part of human nature, to wish everything good would happen to us. I’m not saying there aren’t those of us who actually enjoy helping others, because there are plenty. But, in the same vein, when someone does something spectacularly bad, we pay attention to that like bronies to My Little Pony. Between those of us who genuinely want to help, and those who like to make themselves feel better by helping in a non-committal way, disasters just receive a lot more attention. But, overall, humans can be just as good as we can be evil.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story/ this story: Que Sera, Sera
1937696 Thank you for your review! I will be sure to pay extra attention to Twilight's character in the future. (As well as working to make my intros grab the reader.) As for the gender difference...who knows what happened when Twilight broke Lyra's spell. I wanted readers of either gender to be able to buy into the possibility, anyway.
As for Lyra's human obsession...I'm glad humans are not in the show itself, but I love what fans do with the characters, and Lyra's human fixation is just so fun to imagine. It's something special about her. (At first I thought it was silly, but then the idea grew on me.)
As for my criticism of humans in the story... Well, I am pretty cynical sometimes, but what I intended with this story was an answer to all of those brony in Equestria stories where some sad human being escapes his awful life into the magical world of Equestria, where all his problems are solved. (I have nothing against that kind of storytelling. Heck, even Harry Potter does that to some degree. But I wanted to reverse the trope.) I guess the message I was going for is, if you think our world is so horrible, what if you were meant to change it instead of escape from it? Wouldn't that be a destiny worth wanting to live in this world for?
Thanks again! I will check out your story as soon as I can!
Good story.
I agree with those saying that Earth isn't that bad.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: A Spell for Lyra
Grammar score out of 10: 9.5 (I'm definitely not a grammar expert, so maybe there's some obscure rule that I don't know about. There's always room for improvement, right?)
Pros
I really liked this perspective on Lyra liking humans, which I'm normally not a huge fan about
It gives the reader a new perspective on the magic of friendship
The story draws the reader in beautifully
Cons
When Twilight interfered with the spell, it wasn't totally clear on what the side effects were
Did Lyra just find out about the spell the night before? Or has she known it for awhile?
(Note: All of these cons are nitpicking, of course)
Notes
I have to admit, when I first saw the word count (about 4,000) I was a bit wary, as I tend to lose interest after a couple thousand words. However, I ended up getting to the end of this much sooner than I thought I would! Way to go keeping my interest the whole time!
Thank you for the fabulous read! If you wouldn't mind, I would sincerely love it if you checked out my story The Generation That Even Time Has Forgotten
Your Faithful Critic,
FlanChan
1949333 Thanks for the review! Glad you stayed around for the whole 4000+ words. Your comment is a great reminder that you have to hook the reader very early in the story or they won't stay around for the rest of it.
(I'll be sure to check your story out soon! Probably after work tonight.
)
I'll skip the Authors Helping Authors formatting this time and go straight to the meat, shall I?
First, the praise. This is a refreshing take on an overdone genre based on a funny meme that someone made up after seeing a pony sit funny. So that a serious, emotional story can be written about this at all is impressive, the fact that you've done it from a unique perspective even more so. Twilight's internal thoughts are well-written and poignant and are what keep me interested and reading.
Now, on to the criticism.
- I don't believe "Magic Kindergarten" should be capitalized. The name itself does not suggest that it is a proper noun like "Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns", so it should be treated just like the word "kindergarten".
- “One day, I’m going to find my way into their world.” This is not worded like how I would expect a kindergartner to say it. Try "I'm going to get there someday," or something along those lines. In the same vein, “Don’t you have a dream, Twilight?” This seems a little deep and mature for a kindergartner to say, and on Twilight's end, understand. I would look a good, long look at this whole section and make sure the little kids really feel like little kids (As I recall, this was somewhat of a problem in Celestia in Excelsis too)
- I would like an explanation, at least a short one, of why Lyra moved to Ponyville. The implication is that it has something to do with Twilight, and yet that doesn't seem to be the case. Adding on to that, I would add more detail about Lyra and Twilight became friends. One or two little scenes about how Twilight's attitude towards Lyra changed will deepen the emotional impact of later scenes much more, as right now it's basically just "And then they were friends."
- “Lyra Heartstrings, sometimes you make no sense, even to me.” I'd get rid of the "even to me" part here, it doesn't seem very Twilight and doesn't make much sense (ha ha) in context. Twilight doesn't know Lyra particularly well after all.
- "Whatever Lyra saw in your race, I couldn’t see it." You've been using "their" and "them" to refer to humans everywhere else in the fic. And the letter is addressed to Lyra, who, although transformed, is still a pony. So I'd keep it in the third person.
- "Besides a confession, of course, which it is, especially from this point on." Get rid of this. It ruins the poignancy of the earlier two questions in the paragraph.
- "I was jerked from the book I was reading by a frantic pounding on the door of the library." A little more establishing of the setting here, please. As the chronology of this story is uncertain, a reference to something that happened in the show to establish when this happened would be good.
- "symols" Typo.
- "A wind was blowing through her mane." I'm guessing this wind is magical, in which case it would be good to mention.
Finally, the two big things about this fic I think that need to be looked at:
- The intro needs to make more sense with the ending. "But you won’t remember that we were friends once. You won’t remember anything at all." This stuff needs to be at least hinted at in the beginning, otherwise from the perspective of Lyra reading the letter, it makes no sense. It's just a random letter, addressed to her, that's talking about a random story, and it doesn't become clear why it matters to her until the end of the story. This is a bad way to write a letter for obvious reasons. But, you'll have to mention it at the beginning tactfully to avoid spoiling the reveal.
- "And if it’s true, I’ll never see you again". This part just felt cheesy to me rather than powerful, The entire concept of Twilight stopping a friend from leaving, seems out of character. If you've seen Wonderbolt Academy yet, this reaction is more like Pinkie Pie's than Twilight's. Twilight just doesn't strike me as the kind of character to be self-centered and emotionally needy like that. This reaction is especially hard to accept given that Twilight and Lyra have essentially zero interaction in the show, and that you spend virtually no time developing their friendship and showing why Twilight wants to stop Lyra so badly.
This is the biggest thing, and to fix it will take a good deal of effort. You need to really make Lyra and Twilight's bond feel powerful to explain Twilight's actions. As I mentioned earlier, add scenes that show them becoming and being good friends. You could also change Twilight's reasoning to lean more heavily on "It's too dangerous, it's just a myth", and less "You're my friend and I'll lose you forever!" Another recommendation I would have is involve Bon-Bon more. Including a scene where Bon-Bon's begging Twilight to not let Lyra leave because she'll be gone forever is more believable and then Twilight acting on that is more believable than Twilight feeling so.
Hope you found this helpful, and good luck!
1960809 Thank you very much!
Looks like I've got my work cut out for me, revision-wise. But I am definitely going to work on it. Ever since joining the Authors Helping Authors group, I have been getting too much really great feedback to ignore. And I am extremely grateful for your critical eye in this case. Thanks again.
Sorry I shall get that review in ASAP
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: A Spell for Lyra
Grammar score out of 10: 9 Look pretty good
Pros
This... makes Lyra's love for humans make sense. I mean seriously? This is probably the most selfless explanation that I've heard and I love it.
Really fits the sad/tragic tag and how our best intentions and a sudden hesitation can cause everything to screw up.
The descriptions were very good and the story wrapped itself up well
Cons
While I get the side effects of the spell.. It took me a "huh" moment before I got the letter was addressed to Lyra
I don't like how TS was characterized. I mean it seems in Canon, but I dont think TS would even agree with Lyra in the first place to help her.
Notes: The major problem is getting the audience ot realize this letter is addressed to Lyra. additionally I find it strange how Lyra gets these letters in the first place and how she doesn't realize it... there's just a massive plothole you have to fill in if the letter is addressed to LYra. Apart from that, i really like this one shot and I think it has a pretty good chance of getting featured.
Please Review: The Seven Bells and Six Bearers and note that I have a Canterlot Chapter up to resolve cliffhangers and give you all those feels (i haven't received a single comment on this chapter strangely enough).
1972285 Thanks for the review. Yeah, I have to revise this because a lot of people are having the same reaction to the ending.
Okay, a lot of people like this sort of thing, but some might have a problem with it. The story is metafiction. The ending is supposed to imply that you as the reader are Lyra (or used to be) and the reason you don't know it is because Twilight broke your spell at the critical moment, so you lost all of your memories except a vague sense of disconnect from the world, and you had no control of the human body you ended up with. So Lyra got the letter however the reader got this story. (Most likely reading it on FIMfiction. Twilight worked hard to get the message to her.) The whole story was basically my response to the Human in Equestria stories I was looking at at the time that were escapist fantasies: my life on earth is so horrible, if I could just go to Equestria and become a pony everything would be wonderful. Not that I have a problem with those kinds of stories, but I wanted to reverse it and make a story where instead of wishing to go to Equestria, the reader would be told that was where he/she came from and he/she actually had an important reason for wanting to be here on Earth.
I will certainly get to your next story. (The review chain must never die!
Thank you once again.
This review brought to you on behalf of Authors helping authors
Grammar: 10/10. Didn't see anything bad.
Pros:
Drew me in
Good portrayal of Lyra.
Nice to see her interacting with Twilight like that.
Good sense of tragedy at the end, there.
Overall well-written.
Cons:
Twilight doubting Lyra. After fighting and defeating a literal old mare's tale and meeting Zecora, I am finding it more and more difficult seeing Twilight doubting old myths.
Human misanthropy, especially considering Equestria itself is not perfect, nor the world they live in.
The ending is a bit odd, and that note you posted was necessary to fully understand what happened.
Overall, I liked this, but just some stuff in here that threw me off. Like with Twilight. But I enjoyed it. If you have time, please review Twilight the Terrible. Thank you! :)