The arrow of time moves from past to future. Try to change what’s set in stone, and causality loops as a circle. But with the twist of a paradox reality twins. The journey of life doubles, and what might have become, is...
Much further downstream the river of time, a desperate experiment has unexpected consequences. An unwilling traveler of time and space, Twilight Sparkle becomes face-to-face with herself in an Equestria utterly unfamiliar to her. Gargantuan machines scar the land roaring into the chaos of war, great engines drive the sun and moon across an unfamiliar sky, and the spectre of Discord’s thousand-year reign haunts the landscape, threatening to drown all that stands. The legacy of the mysterious disappearance of Princesses Celestia and Luna over a thousand years ago.
For one Twilight Sparkle, it is all she knows. But the other can see all that is wrong with the world. Equestria shattered, the Elements of Harmony broken, a world torn by unrelenting storms of chaos magic. As the earth-shaking tremors of a Rune War rage, Twilight Sparkle must teach her other self the power of friendship, and bring dawn to a dying world...
Many thanks to Daemon of Decay, NejinOniwa, and amacita for pre-reading!
Well. That was nicely done. So, am I to assume that this is some type of quasi-industrialized Equestria with magicks and technology married together and such? Because if that's what you're getting at, you did a splendid job.
I liked the encyclopedia entry; it cleared up some of the things I was confused about. Perhaps you should put it at the beginning.
One other thing: the more foreign things that you throw at a reader in a short period of time (i.e. Tech Control, Cloudsdale being a separate entity from the Solar Empire, Chaos Fragments, etc.), the more likely it is that the reader will become somewhat confused and/or annoyed, and begin skimming. I think that the encyclopedia entry did a lot to fix those problems, though; again, putting it at the front would be better, in my opinion.
But great job. I think I'll be watching this one.
well a fic about me nice. lol jk
Okay, had this open for about thirty minutes.
This is actually really great. Can't wait for more!
1916113
Reading an encyclopedia entry would be an incredibly boring way to start off a story, don't you think?
1916555 That's true, but I think the background that the encyclopedia entry gives is more important than boring the reader. As this is an AU fic, you need to establish and build up a new world that's probably different from the Equestria the reader is familiar with. The encyclopedia entry establishes the new world quite well, in my opinion. Plus, it's actually not boring to read it; the audience will probably want to know more about this new world, knowing that this is an AU fic.
That being said, I don't think you should start EVERY chapter with an encyclopedia article; you're absolutely right in that the encyclopedia article is a bit of an infodump, and should be used sparingly. But hey, it's your story. Do what you will.
Facinating story, I guess normal Twilight is in for one rude information dump by her cross-demensional doppelganger
So right now we have Other Twilight designated for the Twilight we all know and love, but that will still get confusing if you switch between their perspectives. Other than that, great chapter
Or?
Sorry couldn't help noticing.
Very good job. Hope to see more soon, possibly more cross-dimensional mane 6?
1933437
Thanks for catching that.
Ghostbusters!
No... wait...
The A-Team! da da dadaaaaa da da daaaaaaaaaaa...
This is quite excellently formatted, which helps immensely to further the rather heavy material you have. You don't have almost any infodumps in the main text at all, and you get by without suffering from much wall-of-text syndrome.
An encyclopedia entry at the fore would, in my opinion, be quite counter-productive - it spends a lot of your big "surprise cards" without achieving any drama whatsoever, and those were what pulled me in about this fic. Putting it at the end, however, lets the reader sit down and crystallize what he's just read into a reasonable view of the world.
What really caught me in this fic - what made me change from simple proofing preparation to actually reading and liking the material - was Twilight namedropping the Elements of Discord. That changes the game entirely, and reveals just how "alternate" this universe is. After that, it keeps you hooked pretty well.
I hope coming chapters will not disappoint me, and I think I will enjoy proofing this rather much.
//Proofreader who is a viking
Keeping up the work here - Twi vs Twi action here is pretty fascinating, but Shining's part is kept quite good as well.
You keep misspelling "changelings", though, so check/replace that. Otherwise, good work, and keep it up.
//Proofreader who is a viking
This review brought to you by the group Authors Helping Authors.
Fic Name: Fragment
Grammar Score: 9.5
Pros: The alternate uinverse tag is well-deserved and exploited to its fullest.
Description is hearty, not overwhelming, and within moments, conjures not just an image, but the entire feel of this alternate Equestria.
The separation of the Mane 6 is an interesting aspect that draws the reader into wanting to know what will happen.
Cons: Not much really. At max, there were a few times where a leap in the action caused minor confusion.
Also, I found the distinct lack of 'real' Twilight doing or saying anything after arriving odd.
Notes: As I said above, you've fully exploited the alternate universe tag, and I hope you continue this fic with much care. There is so much potential here, that I can't wait for updates. I should also say, that your lack of describing the exact manner in which runestone works or where it comes from is both a con and pro. The audience is left to (easily) infer what it can do, but the limits of it are rather open-ended.
Hope you found your review helpful. Please review my fic, Marks of Harmony.
This story, with all the mechanised war machines and cities powered by unfamiliar means...it reminds me slightly of a book called Mortal Engines, wherein all cities, towns and villages of the world move, and 'eat' each other to survive.
1938686
Thanks a lot for the review. To explain myself a bit, Original Twilight is suffering from rather severe shock after her experience. She's sleep deprived (having been up all night reading), utterly confused, and terrified. Twilight's been through a lot in the show, but this is her first real brush with death. Don't worry, she gets better though.
As for the rune engines, the next chapter's outro expands in detail on the nature of rune engines. Suffice it for now to say that there's a reason why ponies in this world are using swords and spears alongside tanks and planes.
SHIT JUST GOT REAL
I like how we see more of the "alternate twilight's" view, that the "real Twilight". thats a pretty origional concept that i can't remember seeing before.
Hey instead of having "Twilight" and "other Twilight" you should have "Twilight" to be the original and "Sparkle" to be of that dimension.
1954596
They'll get together and hash something out eventually, but since this is being told from Alternate Twilight's POV, it'd be ridiculous to expect her to think of herself as being anything but Twilight.
The Twilights have been doubled!
I can't get a good guess on if Crystalline is Rarity or Cadence in this universe or another pony all together. Rarity matches the description better in all except for height. Cadence fits the height description but her coat is not white, but she is a Crystal Pony persay.
1955252
She is a completely different pony. She's an OC I made a long time ago with her design based of Rarity (hence the resemblance!). Picture here, although the version in this fic doesn't have the necklace or crown for obvious reasons.
This review brought to you by Authors helping authors And for your review of Spanner in the Works.
Grammar: 10/10. I couldn't find anything wrong at all.
Pros:
- Very good descriptions. I had no problem visualizing anything.
- The encyclopedia entry helped answer a lot of questions that were percolating in my mind.
Cons:
- Admittedly, I was pretty danged confused about what was going on at first. I got dropped into this scenario and just felt confusing to me.
Overall, liking this a lot. I've only read the first chapter, but you get a clickie on the gold star from me. ;) I'll try to get to the rest ASAP.
1954596
That would be silly.
Also when did you get this thing on EQD, Helios? You're making your proofreader nervous. :)
1955849
It was actually on EQD before FimFiction, I posted it here after the EQD comments all complained about GDocs.
1955998
You cheating bastard you. :)
Well, w/e. I reckon there's not much I can say here that I haven't already. Loving this story, simple as that, but having dibs on new chapters makes me want to do evil laughs. Keep it up, my man.
I'm waiting for the panzers to show up and teach the ponies about how real tanks are made
1956012
Really regretting it, actually, since I probably would have a lot more views now if I had submitted the FimFiction link instead of the GDocs =c
This looks like a really promising story. It thrusts us right in the middle of the action, when canon Twilight is pulled into a war-torn Equestria right at the start of a new war. It's always a good sign when a story begins with a lot of problems for the protagonist. It promises lots of conflict and a good, long story that's not going to resolve itself easily in a few chapters. I like the intrigue with the changelings and the traitors, and I'm drawn in by some of the unanswered questions, like wondering how Applejack and Rainbow Dash fit into all this.
The combat is extremely well written. The scene where Twilight ripped a steel door off its hinges and threw it at a couple of pegasi was the kind of inventive use of magic that I like to see. It's nice when unicorns don't just sling spells at each other, they use the environment to their advantage. But what I like most about that part was the reasoning that went into it. She couldn't afford to slow down and fight them, but she had to take care of them somehow. When a character in combat is planning and problem solving, when they have an objective in mind, it makes it far more interesting than a straightforward blow-by-blow account of a fight.
The Shining Armor sequence was even better. Again, what made it work was that he always had a clear objective in mind. He didn't just run through the city randomly fighting some grunts, he fought a squad of soldiers that were between him and the weapons and armor he needed. When he fought the assassin, he did it to protect one of his country's leaders. Throughout the whole thing, it's clear what's at stake, why he's fighting, and what the next step will be as soon as he finished dusting off the latest bad guy.
From the desperate flight to escape an invaded bunker, all the way to the train fight with the teleporting assassin, this story has shown us several different types of fights, and it has yet to repeat or feel pointless. The teleporting fight in particular was well thought out and creative, much like the rest of the alternate universe we've been shown so far. When Shining Armor thought about how the usual strategy for fighting teleporters is to strike while they're disoriented after a teleport, and how it wouldn't work on this one because she's too fast, that made the whole thing seem so much more real. Details like that draw me deeper into the story.
One thing that concerns me is not knowing canon Twilight's role in this. She's not the main viewpoint character, and she seems to have been brought there by accident. Furthermore, she's had enough screen time at this point that I feel like we should know more about her role than we do.
The only thing that might make me stop reading is that I'm not feeling any emotional attachment to the characters. The last thing I read that had this much action was Fallout Equestria, one of the greatest stories in this fandom, so I think it might help to look towards it to learn a thing or two. What it has in common with this story is great worldbuilding and great action, but what made Fallout Equestria great for me was the characters. It didn't start with the protagonist, Littlepip, in danger of losing her life at the hands of the monsters of the post-apocalyptic wasteland. It started with her in danger of spending the rest of her life as a social outcast. That was what motivated her to step outside the vault and place herself in danger. She was all the more courageous because she had a choice, and she chose to try to be a hero, even if it meant doing something nasty and dangerous that no one would ever thank her for.
With this story, neither Twilight is given a choice about whether or not they're going to fight. Or if there is a choice, it's not a clear and concrete one like Littlepip's choice of staying in the vault or going outside. If you've ever heard of the three act formula or the Hollywood formula, you know when analysing a lot of stories, you can look for a point at the end of the first act where the protagonist faces a fateful decision, where their role in the story is revealed to them and they get to decide whether or not they're up to the challenge. If Littlepip had stayed inside, she would have lived a safe but lonely life in the vault. If Neo had taken the blue pill, he would have lived a safe but empty life in the Matrix. I wonder if Twilight will face a moment like that. It would help clear things up about what role she's going to play in the story. It's the difference between, "next, we're going to get the shields back online," and "I need to get my friends together and activate the elements of harmony." One is a goal for the next chapter, and one is a goal for the rest of the book.
There's one more thing I'm concerned about here. Because the only threat they're facing is the threat of immediate death, it's hard to feel a strong emotional connection with Shining Armor or the two Twilights. Danger doesn't make a character sympathetic. Suffering and loss make a character sympathetic, as well as courage, sacrifice, humor, dependability, and a good attitude.
It takes more than great action to get us hooked on a story. It also takes great character development. If you want to give us more than just action heroes, if you want to give us real characters, you need to make them bleed. You need to drag them through the mud, threaten everything they love, and drive them to the point of despair. That's another thing that Fallout Equestria did a lot: Littlepip didn't just have to fight monsters, she had to deal with her drug addiction and learn to live with herself after massacring an entire town in the wrong way and for the wrong reasons. There's a lesson there for authors: even action heroes need more interesting problems than just life or death struggles.
You also might want to take a look at "Solitary Locust," by "the parasprite". In that story, like this one, Twilight faces great danger, but in that one, she is far, far more sympathetic because she suffers greatly and because the danger is concrete: she isn't just going to die a generic death, the citizens of Ponyville are going to break her horn and imprison her. Even if she survives, she'll never be able to use magic again! She has to escape from them on a broken leg, and then she has to set it herself without anaesthetic. Her suffering is what makes us care. Compare that to this story, where I have a hard time imagining Shining Armor ever getting hurt. He's so powerful it's hard to feel connected to him at all. He's more like James Bond or Rambo than anything from My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.
Overall, I'm interested in seeing where this goes storywise, and I'm hoping for some character development soon.
1955849 This is a land of magical colorful ponies. Everything is silly. :P
1957068
First, thank you very much for the review. Before I respond to your particular criticisms, I would first like to acknowledge that characterization is probably my weakest point as an author. Your critiques of the way I have treated the characters thus far ring true, and as I know this to be a weakness of mine, I would appreciate any help you would care to offer in this department, if you would be willing.
However, there are a few things I would like to say in my defense. The first is that, although the plot is already at 18k words and rapidly climbing, it is still very early in the story. The characters are still in the mad, fast-paced scramble for survival and victory that the fic opened with, and there has not been opportunity yet for character development to show. I hate to admit it given that you've already pointed it out, but the pace doesn't slow down enough for serious characterization to begin until Chapter 5, with it only going into full force in Chapter 6. Which brings me on to my second point: As this is fanfiction, readers supposedly already have pre-existing emotional attachments to these characters, which, I reason, should allow me to delay character development for this long.
With that said, character development is definitely something I don't want to leave out. I'd rather not get into spoilers in public comments, but suffice it to say I don't want to merely write an action-movie fic here. And since you raised the point of Shining Armor, yes, he is extremely physically formidable and not likely to get hurt by anything, and therefore his struggle will be an emotional one. I hope you will follow this fic long enough for me to show you what I have planned.
Again, thanks for the comments, and I would gladly take any help you might offer with the points you raised.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Fragment
Grammar score: 10/10 (I think I spotted a missing word back in chapter one, but I don't remember exactly where it is. I'm afraid it got lost in a sea of good grammar.)
Pros: First, your action sequences are awesome. As someone who struggles with writing action, I am always impressed when I see it done well. You do a fantastic job of bringing the reader into the moment. The Shining Armor versus Chrystalline fight was a highlight for me. (Also, I really liked how she dug out after being scratched, which revealed her to be a character driven by self-interest, and also highly intelligent.) Next, your world-building is phenomenal. The excerpts at the end of each chapter are a treat, but the whole world, from the Rune Engines to the alternate history, is a fantastic creation. Finally, you have created an intriguing dynamic between the two Twilight Sparkles, and I'm really interested in where this odd partnership goes.
Cons: There is only one con that I've found, and it comes from one of your story's greatest strengths. The action never slows down long enough for the audience to get to know the characters enough to identify with them. Because they are Alternate Universe versions of the characters we know and love, I wasn't sure whether I should be siding with them emotionally or not. I started to feel like this was clearing up by chapter three, when we see Twilight start to warm up to the one from Ponyville. Basically, I was really curious about all these Alternate Universe characters, and wasn't sure whether I could trust them, which made it harder to identify with them during the entire battle. (A pro within the con: not giving the readers all the information they could want about the characters right away keeps them curious. Getting to sit down with the characters and get to know them more might be seen as a kind of reward to the audience for getting through the battle. I feel like other adventure authors do that, where the action and adventure sequences are followed by these lulls, where the characters get delved into more. The only problem with publishing your story chapter by chapter is that the audience is forced to wait for that moment...
)
Notes: You do something that interests me a lot. (Actually quite a few, but one choice in particular has me scratching my head.) You bring the Twilight we know and love into this alternate dimension, and most authors would use her as a point of reference for the readers, who get to learn about the other dimension through the eyes of someone who is as ignorant of it as they are. Then you keep your alternate Twilight as the POV character the entire time, so "our" Twilight is not the one we are identifying with. This has me really curious about why you chose to bring Ponyville Twilight into your Alternate Universe, if not to be the POV character through which your universe is seen. The relationship between the two Twilights was, to me, one of the main attractions of the story. I mean, Twilight Sparkle is my favorite character, so two of her is a dream come true!
Most powerful scenes (to me): The Element of Discord being turned back into the Element of Magic at the beginning (and later being lost); Shining Armor slitting that pony's throat (brought it all home for me); the two Twilight Sparkles joining forces; and Shining Armor's fight with Chrystalline. Just great stuff.
Enjoy your review! Now, you've already reviewed a story of mine, and given me some pretty great advice, but if you happen to have a few extra minutes I'd be really interested in your opinion on my short story, A Spell for Lyra. (I am considering revising it so that I can resubmit it to EQD and your opinion/advice on specific ways I could improve it would be most welcome. Thanks!
)
Thank you very much for your earlier review. And for this great story!
Yipe, I didn't get the notification that more chapters had uploaded! *scrambles to read*
Anyway, while I'm here, some in-depth feedback etc on the first chapter.
Beginning is a tad bewildering, with the introduction of a whole raft of magi-technobabble and references to places and people we don't get introduced to until later... but I'm probably the wrong person to ask for critique on that because I absolutely love that particular brand of sci-fi. s'kinda the same logic behind the detailed rules in, say, D&D - it presents a higher barrier of entry, but makes the world that much more rich and real. (Of course, the implications of a wildly divergent world having exactly the same genetic pathways leading to the exact same descendents are always headscratching, but let's be honest, all alternate realities get a free pass on that).
The image of the mighty rune engine churning out raw magical energy is definitely a good one to open on, and gets my brain thinking of all the nitty-gritty details of how it works; my current hypothesis is that carving a particular pattern of runes on a cylinder of the material causes it to start bleeding off magical energy at a highly efficient rate (and causing it to build up angular velocity as a side effect), but no doubt we'll get more blurb on the exact mechanics later on.
The description of the City-State's aerial armada got me really psyched up for the next bit - I'm picturing Solarium as a city up against a mountain range - essentially Minas Tirith from the Lord of the Rings, but with lots of giant telescopes and Armillary spheres (I totally didn't just wiki that...). Needless to say. having hundreds upon hundreds of pegasi swooping down out of the sky set off some dramatic movie-esque sequences XD
Also, good to see you mixing things up a bit with an OC - true we all come here for the Mane 6, but there's a limit to how many iterations of their relationships you can write - sometimes you need a few original personalities to mix things up.
And now, on to Chapter 2 ^^
Announcement: I added an Author's Note to the first chapter explaining that the italicized documents at the end of every chapter are not strictly necessary for your enjoyment of the fic, so feel free to skip them if you want.
1968904
Thanks for the review, it's quite helpful
(A) Twilight and (C) Twilight get the shield sorta up again and meet (A) Fluttershy
(A) Applejack kicks flank and gets a message to the pegasi.
Overall very interesting to say the least.
Another review brought to you by Authors Helping Authors
Grammar: 10/10.
Pros: Great action, well described. Frenetic, but well-structured so i could tell what's going on.
Cons: More personal taste, but I'm starting to really not like one-pony armies like how Twilight and Shining are, although it's mitigated by how Twilight had surprise on her side and was eventually overwhelmed.
Looking forward to more!
Fluttershy's character is perfect here. The bit of backstory at the beginning, with her getting the lowest pre-basic training score in Cloudsdale history, was brilliant. It's so exaggerated that it makes her interesting and firmly establishes her character for the rest of the chapter.
I think you pretty much nailed her canon personality there.
Okay, no longer an author helping an author, sorta. ;) Anyway, great fight there with Shining and Crystalline. I was kinda hoping he'd get sliced too. ;)
Ah, loving this. A Princess, eh? Sounds... impressive. :D
1976146
The way they are in the show kind of forced me into making them one-man armies. After all, it's well-established that Twilight Sparkle is the most powerful unicorn to ever live, and her brother is strong enough to shield an entire city from a changeling invasion. Also, Twilight and the Mane 6 kind of established themselves as a six-mare army capable of fighting through hordes of changelings that defeated a legion of Royal Guards. So there's that too.
More!....of this story should be made
I wonder how long it'll be before the other twilight realizes she need the rest of the mane 6 in order to get the elements to work...
Great chapter. Love the addition of Fluttershy.
(As a medic!) Seeing her taken prisoner by the Twilights was great.
And I want to see the Princess.
No, no, no, you have GOT to be kidding me.
Sh*t is gonna get real.
edited due to crazy
1987327
I think you're going to be disappointed...
1987344 This is so good I won't be,
after re-reading my comment(10 seconds later)
I realize I am getting WAY to into this story,
I know I will love anything you chose to go with
edit: also, this being featured on Equestria Daily made me realize I hadn't favorited it.... fixed that once I realized !
Very interesting, I would like to see what happens next
"Princess?"...
What does it mean, WHAT DOES IT MEAN.
And that just leaves Rarity and Pinkie Pie to make an appearance.... hmmm, I wonder if with the lack of a Cloudsdale young flyers competition to trigger a sonic rainboom in the vicinity of the Pie Rock Farm, Pinkie will be a little... different in this reality.
Out of curiosity, do you have a specific idea of what the Solarium and Manehatten tanks look like, or would that be open to a little... artistic interpretation?
1992936
I have a general idea for Solarium, not much for Manehattan.
Solarium designs have a similar basis to Canterlot ones, since the cities are closely related. But whereas Canterlot designs tend to be more beautiful than practical, Solarium has a more industrial feel to it. The end result is something that is more angular and less elegant than a Canterlot tank would be, lacking the delicate spirals and such and instead having more simplistic, rough trimmings. White would be the base, with gold and obsidian (a very dark, almost black bluish color) being the trimmings. Also, much less purple.
Manehattan, I don't have much for other than that they are mostly angular and practical designs.
If you want to take artistic license with anything though, go ahead. I am a mediocre artist at best, after all, so feel free to do whatever you think looks best if you want to draw anything