Six:
The Pony in the Glass
“Are you sure this is a good idea?” Victory Song asked her companion as they approached the ruins of the old house. It was night, and they were alone. “I heard he set all kinds of magical traps. Even though the house burned down, we still might trigger one.”
“You don’t have to come,” said Page. “The princess gave me a mission. How can I face her again if I don’t come back with that mirror?”
Victory’s lips curled in an amused smile and she rolled her eyes. “And we can’t have you unable to face her again.”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Only that you haven’t shut up about her all night.” Her voice became high-pitched, and took on a bad unicorn accent. “Princess Celestia said she needs ponies like me at the magic academy. Princess Celestia studies as hard as I do. Princess Celestia gave me a mission…”
“I do not sound like that,” Page sniffed.
“You should listen to yourself.”
“It’s just…” Page’s cheeks colored in the moonlight. “I never thought our tribe would ever have a princess we could be proud of. Not with Dewdream on the throne. But now we do. And so I am.”
“I get it,” said Victory, looking away. She felt the tiniest prick of jealousy, like a thorn. Why can’t the earth pony tribe have an amazing princess? She didn’t know much about her tribe’s politics, but she knew that Chancellor Sweetmeats was about as inspiring as a pumpkin. And since the battle she was doing her best to discourage earth ponies from having any relation with unicorns. Which wouldn’t have been a problem for Victory before, but now that she had a unicorn friend it bothered her a lot. She didn’t tell Page, but their friendship was straining her relationship with the other earth pony children.
“And since we are doing this for her together, you’ll get the chance to meet her yourself!”
The idea was enough to make Victory a little bit braver. Not that she was scared before, of course. “We’re here,” she said, swallowing.
The silver light of the full moon transformed the ruins of Starswirl’s house into an alien landscape, riddled with shadows. The fillies stepped into the wreckage cautiously, looking around.
“What if somepony already came and took it?” said Victory.
“I doubt it. The magicians at the Magic Academy are still afraid of Starswirl. Anypony who would be interested in coming here would be too smart for it.”
Victory gave a weak laugh. “Yeah. Good thing we don’t have that problem.”
They began their search through the charred wood and blackened stone. Their hooves were soon covered in ash. There didn’t seem to be anything valuable to find. Even metal objects had been melted into hard puddles.
“Hey, did Starswirl live with somepony?” asked Victory as she searched through the wreckage of yet another room.
“Not that I know of. Why?”
“It’s just, I think this used to be a bedroom, and I’m pretty sure I already searched through one.”
“Maybe it was a guest room.”
“Yeah. Makes sense.” Victory’s hoof kicked something and she bent down to examine it. It was burnt almost beyond recognition, but it looked like it used to be a wooden toy, the kind earth ponies made for their colts and fillies. Curious. She looked up at Page, who was wandering through the ruins of the old house as if she were in a dream.
Eventually, Page stepped into what used to be Starswirl’s study. She could not have said what she was feeling at that moment. For years her grandfather had been her hero. Even now she could not bring herself to hate him. She stepped lightly through the ruins of his house, a place she had always dreamed about visiting. It’s all gone now, she thought sadly.
“Look here,” said Victory. With her teeth she pulled something from a pile of black, crumbling wood. It was an oval mirror.
Page used her magic to stand the looking glass up. Its surface was blackened, but it appeared otherwise undamaged. Which means it’s magic, she thought. “I think you’ve found it,” she said.
Then a voice came from the glass. “Is that you? Oh, I’m so happy. I didn’t think you would ever come back.”
Page’s horn sparkled and the surface of the mirror was wiped clean. A pony looked at her from the other side with an expression of surprise. It was a unicorn filly like her, but her coat was an even deeper shade of blue. Her eyes, behind a pair of glasses like Page’s own, were a piercing aquamarine.
“Oh,” said the looking glass pony. She pushed her glasses up her nose. “I’m sorry. I thought you were somepony else.”
“Who are you?” said Victory.
The looking glass pony turned her attention to the earth pony, and as she did so her unicorn’s horn vanished, as did her glasses. Now she looked like a dark blue earth pony. “Always the first question they ask,” she said with a sigh. She shrugged. “I don’t have a name.”
“This looks like fairy magic,” breathed Page. “She’s like a copy of whoever looks in the mirror.”
“I didn’t think fairies were real,” said Victory, leaning close to the glass, where the blue pony mimicked her action until their noses were only inches apart.
“Strange that an earth pony can see me,” the looking glass pony remarked.
“They’re real,” said Page. “Have you ever heard of the changelings? They are a kind of fairy race. That’s where their shape-changing powers come from.”
Victory blushed. She didn’t want to admit it to Page, but she hadn’t thought changelings were real either.
“What happened here?” said the looking glass pony, shifting once more into Page’s double. “Where is Starswirl?”
“Nopony knows,” answered Victory. “He ran away after the battle.”
“Battle?” The looking glass pony frowned. “So, he succeeded in turning you ponies against one another, after all. And you say he ran away? Why?”
“Our princess scared him off,” said Page.
“I doubt that,” said the looking glass pony. “I have been Starswirl’s reflection, I know how powerful he is. If he left after your battle, it was because he wanted to.”
Page and Victory exchanged a glance. “She beat him in magic. He was trying to keep the sun down, and she raised it.”
“Did she now? Interesting…”
“Glad to know you’re interested. Because we are taking you to meet her.”
“Oh,” was all the looking glass pony said.
Victory licked her lips. “Um… Page? I don’t mean to doubt your princess, but are fairies good or bad? I mean, this mirror belonged to Starswirl the Bearded.”
Page stared for a long time at her darker reflection. She murmured something.
“What?” asked Victory.
“I said neither. They are not good or evil. They live in a totally different world from ours. Usually they take on the character of whatever pony summons them.” At least, that’s what Page’s books said.
Page was only half right. It was true that fairies had changeable natures, but on some level they were capable of preferring one mode of existence to another. And the being that lived on the other side of the mirror had recently felt what it was like to reflect a pony that was so selfless that she offered to sacrifice half her life to give her a name. That kind of goodness didn’t just disappear. It left a mark that even the fluid nature of the fairy realm could not wash away. It was the touch of Harmony, the faintest quickening of the power of friendship. And the creature in the glass wanted to feel it again.
She didn’t want to meet a princess. All she wanted was to see a little white unicorn filly once more.
“Then are we doing the right thing?” asked Victory. “What does the princess want with something like this?”
Page didn’t know. “She said she is trying to stop Starswirl from doing something bad. Maybe this creature is part of her plan.” But try as she might, she couldn’t think what the princess would need the dark mirror for. It might not be evil magic, strictly speaking, but it was unpredictable. Dangerous, even.
A violet glow surrounded the looking glass as Page levitated it. “Come on,” she said, looking around one last time. To think she had once begged her grandfather to take her home with him. “Let’s get out of here.”
But as they were leaving the study, Victory tripped over something. She bent down and pulled it out of the ashes with her teeth. Page threw an annoyed glance her way.
“What is it?”
“It’s a book.”
“A book? How did it survive the fire?”
“How should I know? You’re the magician. Maybe it’s magic.”
A magic book? She had the unicorn’s attention. Page cast a small light spell over the book so they could see it properly. As she did so, something caught her eye.
“There’s another one,” she said, picking it up with magic. She held both books under the light.
“The Book of Harmony,” read Victory.
Page felt her pulse quicken. Did this have something to do with the Elements of Harmony? The princess would be so happy if it did! She could not have known that Celestia had already read the book, and that it did not reveal the location of the lost Elements. Excited, she read the title of the other book to survive the fire.
“The Sea of Night.” Some feeling Page could not describe swept over her, and she had a sudden impulse to drop the book, to open up the ground with her magic and bury it so deep that nopony would ever find it. She didn’t do it, of course. An unread book would haunt Page Sparkle like a ghost. Had she known what reading the book would cost her, she would never have touched it, not even with her magic. But there were forces working that night that nopony could have guessed, not even the one who lived on the other side of the dark mirror.
“Careful. Those books belonged to Starswirl,” the voice from the looking glass cautioned. “They might be dangerous.”
Powerful books? One leaving an impression of dread? I could probably Charter seven guesses as to where some of that inspiration came from.
Short chapter, but a goodie. Established another character close to Page, the one who saved her life and became friends before. Makes me wonder if this friendship will come into play later on as an example to others.
I don't have much to say on this chapter besides how excited it makes me for the next one. This seemed to be a bridge that wet the reader's appetite and left a bit of wonder for what would happen next. Wonderfully done! Makes me wish I could just turn the page right now and get to the next part. But still, no rush. I sit and wait patiently for the next iteration in this engaging story.
> Chancellor Sweetmeats was about as inspiring as a pumpkin
Oi. Don't you go insulting pumpkins like that
I'm guessing this Victory is the one represent in the statue garden?
A note on style: You switch from Page's perspective to third person omniscient and vice versa quite often, and it's not often clear that you do so until after I've read what you've written. This leaves me confused and trying to figure out whether what I just read was Page's thoughts, or the omniscient narrator. For example, this paragraph:
"Did this have something to do with the Elements of Harmony? The princess would be so happy if it did! She could not have known that Celestia had already read the book, and that it did not reveal the location of the lost Elements. Excited, she read the title of the other book to survive the fire."
The first two lines seem to be Page's thoughts, while the latter two are obviously the narrator. But there's no way to know that the perspective changes in the middle of the paragraph until after you've read it and comprehended it. The easy way to fix this would be to simply put Page's thoughts in first-person italics.
Moving on, I had a suspicion about that mirror in Chapter 1, and now I'm like, 99% sure that a certain somepony is coming out of it.
1982561 An abhorsen reference? Wow you're good Kolwynia.
YES, is the mirror going to become Luna?
1982561 Yeah, not too much happens in this chapter. The next one will have more substance. (But I wanted it to stand on its own and not start with the events in this one.) Keep an eye on those books. Oh, and later on (several chapters ahead) you might catch something that is definitely inspired by the Abhorsen books. (Also, if you're looking for a great MLP/Abhorsen crossover story, check out vren55's The Seven Bells and the Six Bearers. It's only just beginning, but it's off to a great start!)
1982659 As for your guess about Victory... you might be onto something. Yeah, the omniscient POV has given me a lot of freedom to be really heavy-handed with my foreshadowing, and get into more than one character's head in a single scene... but it has its drawbacks. I'll try to make sure things are clearer.
1982852 Next up: The Name of the Moon.
Thanks for reading, everyone!
What a good way to spend a morning! Such a good story and I'm loving the 'Starswirl as antagonist' twist.
But it's time to get down to business...
A review from the one and only Authors Helping Authors!
Shall we give a name to this story? We shall, and it shall be christened: Celestia in Excelsis
Grammar: 9.2/10 (Really good, only a few noticeable errors)
Pros:
1. Starswirl as villain! (Brilliant twist and he embodies my all time favorite type of villain: the suave gentlemanly antagonist)
2. The characters feel real. I am enjoying each character you're creating. They all have real emotion and passion and true character that makes me understand them and want to follow their adventures. Well done!
3. Your world building is something to be admired. Not only could this fit into MLP canon, but it also makes for a good story and a believable world.
Cons:
4. Perhaps you've taken too much authority in your world building? (The show could seriously mess up some of your world if a new episode comes out talking about the past at all. I left this as a question because it's not really that big of a concern.)
5. Celestia is a filly. I can't imagine a filly the age of the CMCs doing the things Celestia is doing. I keep having to imagine her at about Twilight's age.
6. I guess the POV changes a lot. (Was never a problem for me, but might confuse other readers)
Notes:
An excellent story! I haven't found myself engrossed in a good read for quite some time and it felt good to really get lost in the world you've made. The cons are minimal at worst. You are an incredibly talented writer and I can't wait to see where the rest of this story leads.
If you have the free time, you may consider looking into my story The Secret of Sun Cloak. A brief warning: It's a doozy and it's currently in the process of being re-written to bring it in line with Season 3 (chapters 1-13 have been re-written and published). Whatever the case, I wish you a wonderful day and hope to see you around!
-Flame Runner
1985320 Thanks for the review! Heh, believe me I know the show could mess me up. I watch each episode with a kind of fear that the hammer of canon will come down on me. Most notably, I'm pretty sure that mysterious book that was floating next to Celestia and Luna in the season three premiere was written by Starswirl the Bearded. (I might be wrong, but it has stars and a swirl on the cover.) And I'm pretty sure they're not going to make him a villain in the show. I have some flexibility in my story in case the show does certain things... but if Twilight gets sent back in time and we get a canon past, my story gets Alternate Universed. (As much as I don't want that to happen, that would make a cool Season Four premiere, wouldn't it?)
I will definitely review your story. It is kind of long, so it might take me a little while, though.
This review is brought to you by the group, Authors Helping Authors.
Fic: Celestia in Excelsis
Grammar score: 8
Pros: The idea of making Starswirl corrupt is a nice reference to the idea that 'power corrupts'
The weaving of so many canon references, names, and ideas into one cohesive whole is expertly done.
The level of anticipation after each chapter is well-controlled. It isn't so over-powering that it feels like an annoying cliff-hanger, but the desire for the next installment is always there.
Cons: The pacing is rather jerky. It isn't jarring, but some things feel like they should last longer, particularly the beginning scene with Celestia in the library.
The jumps from an omniscient narrator POV to a character POV are not always clearly distinct.
After Celestia is changed into an alicorn, the fact that she is still a filly isn't made clear until later, causing a bit of confusion.
Notes: I've been meaning to review this story for a while now, and with an extra day off from college, I've finally gotten the chance. This is an incredible story, especially, as I stated above, with your weaving of so many canon elements. I didn't mention it above because I wanted to highlight what I thought were the stronger points of the story, but you've done a great job with both your OC personalities as well as with the personalities of canon characters we know only by name. Your take on the Phoenixes and Luna's origins are my favorite parts so far.
I don't want it spoiled too much, but the way you talk about them, Harmony and the Enemy (I'm assuming Discord here), it appears that Harmony is more than just an idea. Is there a physical embodiement of Harmony like there is a physical embodiement of Chaos?
Like and fav coming your way, keep up the good work!
Oh, derp, almost forgot. I'd like you to take a look at my story, Marks of Harmony. It's a long one, so I don't expect you to read it all at once. That'd be too much even for me!
Cheers!
Inky Jay
1998104 Thanks for your review! I know how those college days go... it's keeping me from writing and reading as much fanfiction as I'd like, but you gotta prioritize...
I've been working on the pacing issues. Sometimes it's hard to find that fine line between a scene passing too quickly, or just lingering until the reader is bored. I will also be adding stuff in chapters two and three to remind the reader that Celestia is still a filly, since that is one of the three big complaints I've been getting in the reviews.
I'm glad you like my take on the phoenixes and Luna. One of the things I wanted to do with this story is try to come up with creative and unexpected takes on things that not too much is known about in the show. That's why I get to have serious fun with characters like Starswirl and Philomena. Later on we get to see where the windigos came from, as well as a take on the origin of Discord. (Thankfully this latest episode has not ruined the plans I have for the draconequus, though I'm always waiting for show canon to slap me.)
As for the questions about Harmony and the Enemy... those are questions that are absolutely going to be answered. You are right that Harmony is more than just an idea.
Thanks again for the review! And I'm totally going to get to your story. It might take a little while because I have to finish Flame Runner's The Secret of Sun Cloak, and do my English homework, but it will happen!
This review is brought for the Sake and Glory of the Authors Helping Authors group.
Name of the Story :
Oh come on, I guess you know this
Gramatical Stuff :
As a Pole, I just can't tell you if it's good or not. I don't spotted any mistake, but don't consider this opinion valuable. If there are any, I don't think they are a problem.
Pros :
# Idea of Starswill being villain is briliant.
# Nice references to actual show.
# Word Building, yea! Seriously, it's masterpiece in that matter.
# This story is "catching" and your write style is really good.
# Your "Long Description" to the story is really short, but it's really well-written.
Cons :
# Well... Celestia is behaving really "adult", and in the story she is a filly... Actually, I can understand that in case, if we compare her to Alexander the Great ( taking throne at the age of 16 ), polish children during the Warsaw Uprising ( 12 years childs fighting to death... ), but still it's quite unreliable. I think this story need some more explanation stuff why Celestia is doing everything so much grown-up.
# In some situations scenes are too short in my opinion. But maybe it's because that this story is such good that we got instantly trigger "MOAR" emotion.
# Seriously, can't find any.
Sweety, sweety Notes :
The worst part of it was, that I really really really wanted to find something I could critique, but I can't find a darn thing! What in the... Kolwynia, your story is brilliant and I have no idea why this story have such low amount of likes and ( RAGE ) three random dislikes from freaking nowhere. I'm feeling bad, that I can't find a thing you could correct in your stories ( maybe my extremely bad english is involved, no idea ). I'm giving it a Like and Favourite, such is a fate of a good stories! I'm really looking forward to the next chapters of this masterpiece.
Stay Awesome
Verlax
PS. And almost forgot again. If that's okay with you, could you review my Equestria First and Only? Small note, I already know that due to my extremely bad english grama in my story is bad.
2029778 Thanks for the review! I'm glad you're liking the story.
Those three dislikes have been with me from the very beginning. I'm this close to naming them... (I'm glad it seems to be holding steady at just three...)
I have already started to revise the story a bit in regards to Celestia's character. (Not changing it, just trying to give more of an explanation for why she thinks and acts the way she does.) This and the pacing at the story's start have been the elements of the story that have attracted the most criticism, and while I suck terribly at revision, I am trying to make the most of these wonderful, thoughtful reviews. (And thank you once again for yours.)
(Next chapter is written. I'm just polishing it up before sending it off to my pre-reader.)
And I'll totally read and review your story. It might take me a little while to get to it because I'm currently reading Inky Jay's Marks of Harmony, which is a bit long (but good). Hopefully you will have a review within the week!
This review is
totally not way overduebrought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping AuthorsName of Story: Celestia In Excelsis (It's like a Christmas Carol or something )
Grammar: 9/10 (A couple sentences could be reworded and there was one missing quotation mark somewhere)
Pros
Woah, Starswirl as an antagonist. That's new
I really like this idea of how Celestia became an alicorn
That was just... fabulous
Cons
Those one or two things listed by the grammar score
There aren't more chapters
Uh, nothing else comes to mind
Notes
That was awesome. Just... awesome. Like woah
th07.deviantart.net/fs70/200H/f/2012/060/f/5/princess_celestia_approved_by_ambris-d4rftlj.png
I hope this review has been somewhat useful to you!
Your Faithful Critic,
FlanChan
2107198 Thanks! I'm glad you like it.
(And now I'm going to spend hours looking for that missing quotation mark...)
2108220
It was in Chapter 2, I remember that
"It's just a book, No harm ever came from reading a book," Evelyn O'Connell , librarian Egypt, 1923