The reason I write is because I want to read a story written for myself. One day, I want to read one of my own stories and say to myself "That is the best story I have ever read."
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When the thousand year old remains of an armored pony are found on a field outside of the Everfree Forest, the mane six investigates. What they uncover though, makes them question what they know of the events surrounding Nightmare Moon's rise and fall. More importantly, their discoveries also force them to answer a vital question:
Just what is the importance of remembering the fallen?
Author's Note: Just a short fic for Remembrance Day Week
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I'm liking this begining. No discernable misspells, bad syntax, or good old bad engrish. Most impressive. I'll be watching this. Keep up the good work.
1571131 thanks! I'll be getting the other chapters out sometime on or after Remembrance Day... Nov 12 basically.
This looks promising. o3o
No glaring errors that jump out at me right away, which is good. It has a nice flow to it.
1571267
thanks and thanks for the fav!
Nice, I've been needing a new darker fic to be following.
So far it looks really good, i'm interested to see what happened to the soldier, nightmare war perhaps?
1573957 it'll be more sad dark than actual dark.
I'll be getting into the COD soon enough. again, thanks for the fav!
Nice start, can't wait to see what happened, and how you get her there.
1575191 All will be revealed.
aerial dogfight perhaps
?
small critique, seems a bit out of character for rainbow to get lost in the books, even with the whole daring doo thing, i was expecting her to have found a place to sleep or something
other than that this is still looking really promising and i hope you maybe show one of the battles in a flashback or something
1594334 That's kind of why I had Twilight only giving Rainbow the job to search images at first. She's lazy, brash and not an egghead type, but my interpretation was that to see the drawing that matches the armour of a dead soldier, would perk Rainbow's interests, make her go
and thus make her search more. I mean she's loyal as well as lazy, so when the time comes she'll work her ass off to help her friends... Still that was one of my mehmeh not sure if this would work plot issue so I appreciate the shout-out on that and I'll see with what I can do.
Flashbacks... well I really want to get one in... but when I aimed the story I was not going to put emphasis on the past of the soldier, just on the idea that she fought to protect equestria... and that we need to remember the veterans who have died... so we'll see.
1595514
Don't worry about it, it was a tiny thing and you had some good justification for it.
if you're trying to work in a flashback to match that theme you could always do the recruitment or pre-battle, just a suggestion 1595514
1595574 WELL... If I DO expand this into a new fic... that won't be a problem... (though that fic would be much darker and more of a chronicle/adventure/pony at war thing)... Either that... or I got some other ideas planned to wrap this up.
1575262
1612469 some has been revealed
A couple things that jumped out at me:
I think that should be moon.
Er, wouldn't that be 'hoof'?
Get rid of 'while', it makes more sense without it.
crouching
Also, about halfway through(where it says 'The Last Battle...') the entire thing suddenly becomes italicized.
1653096 WOOPS.... sorry
Apart from those 
how did you like the chapter? Was it too dark?
1653184
I liked it. Didn't seem to dark (especially considering the 'everyone' rating) but it did fit with the theme.
I wouldn't say that was very dark at all, it wasn't bright or anything, but it certainly wouldn't warrant an additional tag. How do you see the difference between this and that ending you aren't going to write?
1655330>>1655342
Not dark? That was surprising... The pain scene kinda freaked me out after writing it. Then again I'm a bit of a chicken. The ending was still going to stay the same, just that I wasn't going to have this chapter. I was more concerned about remembering the sacrifice the soldiers made, but then I realized you can't revere the sacrifice, if it doesn't appear to be a sacrifice.... hence this chapter was needed.
I still felt pretty miserable after writing this. I don't like character death.
Aw MAN... first dislike on this fic... well 15 likes until a dislike is better than the 10 likw and then 1 dislike I got for my last so I count myself lucky.
I'm looking forward to see how you end this.
1681190 so am I cause I have no idea. Or at least need to get writing to finish it...
This
emergency broadcastreview is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping AuthorsName of Story: Remembering the Fallen.
Grammar score out of 10: 8. Pretty solid writing. I felt you overdid some descriptions at the begining, and the pacing was kinda fast, but overall it was quite good. No glaring mistakes or anything, at the least.
Pros
I quite liked the ponies reactions to war and violence. Its hard to remember that they have had 1000 years of peace, so such concepts would be pretty alien to them, whilst it is an everyday occurance for us, to the point that a large part of our entertainment system includes violence. Nice little contrast of how different our societies are.
The scene where Hailstone dies is very touching.
The bit with Rainbow Dash at the begining was very well written, as were the battle scenes—I felt like I was there for that.
Cons
It felt a little rushed in places.
Very short, I would like to have seen longer chapters.
I would have liked to have more backstory on Hailstone, you kinda introduced her, then killed her off before we could biuld a proper emotional bond with her—as touching as her death was, it would have been even better if you had given me a reason to care about her.
Notes Section:
Very nice fic comparing war-torn Equestria to modern day peaceful Equestria. I would have liked it to have been longer, with more time following Hailstone, but over all, a good fic.
I've kinda run out of stuff I want you to review (everything else being on haitus pending rewrites), so consider this one a freebie.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group Authors helping Authors
Name: Remember the Fallen
Grammar score: 8.5
Pros: A good story, Characters stayed well in character.
Cons: someone already commented on this, but Hailstorm could have used a little more flushing out as a character.
Notes: sorry if I can't give any really helpful review, but I look more at plot and if the story makes sense. which yours did, I look forward to see how it ends. I like that you incorporated the names of characters from your Canterlot story, that's a nice touch of world cementing, meaning that the characters you created in the past, can appear in the present. I plan to due something similar once Guardians is a few chapters in.
Don't forget to take another look at Guardian of the Hearthfire,
Signed
your reader
Hingard
1876008 1879206 Thanks for the reviews guys. I'm going to direct you two other stories you should read: Wait... you two should just read each other's stories. Hingard meet ProfCharles, ProfCharles meet Hingard, I want you two to read each other's stories pronto.
ProfCharles read this: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/69626/guardian-of-the-hearthfire
Hingard read this, it's not that dark so don't worry: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/72915/irredeemable
1884855
Ooh, that's cunning.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors helping Authors
Name of Story: Remembering the Fallen
Grammar score out of 10: 7. I noticed some lacking, or unnecessary, commas in many places, but they were sparse and didn't interrupt the reading. One thing that was overused were your ellipses, the '...'. You seemed to use them frequently in place of commas, in some places it could be seen as necessary, but in others, not.
Pros
I like the concept
The characters actually seemed very well written, none seemed out of character and I really liked the moments with Pinkie's sudden burst of knowledge
It was very clear to picture some scenes with the detail you gave
Cons
Some detail took away from the flow of reading
Lack of commas, or overuse of ellipses
Lack of detail in some areas
Notes:
I like the idea behind the story, first of all. One thing I noticed, from the very first paragraph, was your detail. The downside is that you don't keep that detail consistent where it needs to be, or vague where it should be. The first scene, with Rainbow Dash, drags on slightly due to the details include, where it should be more vague to streamline a more 'action-focused' scene. That first scene shows a problem of overwriting, one problem I face as well. This problem bogs the prose down considerably, leaving it dense and hard to read. It also has a tendency to come across a bit silly (just like overacting) in the more extreme examples. For starters, don’t overuse adjectives. There were a lot of adjectives used, just as an example, in the first Rainbow Dash scene where it could have been simpler.
Don’t be afraid to keep your language choice a bit simpler. Longer, more complex words are not always better, as they often just aren’t necessary. While there may be an assumption that shorter, faster prose appeals more to a slightly less ‘technically inclined’ audience, this really isn’t the case. Simpler doesn’t have to mean basic, nor does it have to mean dull. Be efficient, be emotive, and be descriptive, just don’t overdo it.
Enjoy your review, and if you'd like an editor, although I am not the best, send me a private message.
Please help me out by looking at my story: Iron Vein
This review brought to you by the group: Authors Helping Authors.
Fic: Remembering the Fallen
Grammar Score: 7
Pros: An interesting premise and interpretation on the War of the Sun and Moon.
Gravity for the length and brutality of the conflict achieved excellently.
Gives good insight into how the Mane 6 represent the modern Equestrian population in regards to death by unnatural causes.
Cons: There are a few tense issues that can't go unnoticed, though they don't interfere with the reading itself.
While Hailstorm does have character, it isn't truly elaborated upon until her death, leaving a reader with a sense of apathy for her until the end.
Notes: I'm interested to see whether you intend to write more of this, or whether this is well and truly the end. It's a good fic regardless, though my personal suggestion would be to end where it is if you have no plans or ideas on how to continue it.
Hope you enjoyed this review and found it helpful. I'm not going to ask you to read my fic, 'cause you do that anyway. However, I would suggest you read this story for its unique tone: Iron Vein
1887212 1885880 Two recommendations for Iron vein? It'll be next. Thanks for the reviews and favs and likes! And no. this isn't the end of Remembering the Fallen. I've always intended to do a pony at war story and It'll be after Canterlot, a sort of prequel and elaboration onto White Tower, Barbican and another character I'm planning to intro.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Remembering the Fallen
Grammar score out of 10: 8
Pros:
- An interesting concept, one that I have not seen all that frequently
- The Mane 6 had decent characterisation
- A good writing style helps add to the gravity of the situation, as well as keeping the story engaging
Cons:
- Hailstorm should really have had her character built up before her death to make the reader sympathise with her. Currently, I had no qualms to read her die, and I only found out more about her after.
- It would have been nice if you had fleshed out some of these chapters with some more descriptions.
Notes Section:
The concept for this story is appealing to me, and the characterisation you have going with the Mane 6 is quite admirable. There was few grammatical/spelling mistakes, and what ones existed, were small enough that they didn't take away from the reading experience. I've given this a like, and I wish you well on your writing journey.
I hope this review has been somewhat useful to you, and I would really appreciate it if you could check out my story: You're not real
Dan
1894182 Thanks for the review! Im kind of working on Canterlot right now, but I'll return to remembering the fallen once I finish my second EQD submission and a massive Canterlot chapter...
This thing caused me to be spammed 50+ notifications. Wat.
1901418
Check out the group forums. It'll explain why and no it isn't this fic causing it.
1901425
Just did.
Good job guys.
1901430
and thanks for the fav!
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Remembering the Fallen
Grammar score out of 10: 9
Pros:
- Idea of story not so much original, but well executed
- War of the Sun and the Moon was quite well presented
- It's easy to follow, good to read, even with retrospections.
Cons:
- Hailstorm is just a guardspony, tottaly lack of the emotion, so when he died, i didn't feel anything deeper. More personality should be given for him.
- Well... I feel that descriptions are lacking of information.
- A few lines of dialogue feeled a bit out-of-character, but there is a small amount of them.
Notes Section:
It's not masterpiece, but still it's really good-written story, with well executed idea and good ponies personalities and interesting plot. Correct the cons I wrote, and it will be bucking awesome.
I hope, that this small review will help you with your story writing. I would be really grateful if you could review :Equestria First and Only
Stay Awesome
Verlax
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Remembering the Fallen
Grammar score: 9/10 (You have a few issues with commas. Ex: "Her eyes felt, wet, tears?" Should be something more like: "Her eyes felt wet. Tears?" Mostly, though, your grammar is fine.)
Pros: First up, your story has terrific world-building. The War of the Sun and Moon, and the characters involved, are wonderfully realized. Next, the action scenes are fantastic. I've tried my hand at battle scenes before, and mine haven't turned out this good. Very well done. Finally, the frame narrative with the Mane Six investigating this one fallen pony is touching, especially Rainbow Dash's scene.
Cons: Especially after seeing Rainbow Dash get emotional over what she found in the library, I really wanted to see more of her thoughts and how this was affecting her. There are a couple of strange formatting things going on, like the way you write, "They fought at: [New Line] Trottingham..." It's not exactly wrong, but it makes for a less-than-smooth scene transition, at least to me. Same with, "known as:” [New Line] The Last Battle..." Finally, it's not so much of a con as something more that I would like to see in this, but am curious about Celestia's reaction to the discovery of one of her soldiers. Mostly this is very good and it just needs to show more of how the whole episode has affected the Mane Six to really bring it home for me.
Notes: I really liked your fallen OC hero, and thought the scene where she is welcomed into the afterlife was well done.
Also, I like the way you juxtapose the brutal war-torn Equestria of the past with the present, in which violent death just doesn't happen. Your story is written with obvious care for the history/mythology of the world, and you've grounded it in a touching and tragic war story.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story, Celestia in Excelsis. (Or at least the first few chapters, maybe? It's a bit longer than this one.) Thank you!
1925068 thanks for the review! I actually like writing battle scenes a lot, but I don't really get to have the chance to do so because most of my main fimfic published story is set in peacetime. This one was kind of a side thing.
And yeah I think I will be elaborating on RD's feelings and the line thing with the cities? i'll be correcting that
It's odd, there's this little group (and maybe you've heard of it) called Authors Helping Authors.
Here's a review from said group:
Story: Remembering the Fallen
Grammar: 7.9/10
Pros:
1. A good, short read on perhaps what a war between Celestia and Luna may have looked like
2. The description in your story is top notch
3. It compliments your other story Canterlot: Her Creation and Her Architects, and I love it when an author's world fits together!
Cons:
3. The main 6 were good, but they still felt somewhat out of character (it's really difficult to write the main 6)
2. The last chapter was very action packed, but left me feel void at the end instead of sad
1. Your OC wasn't fully developed in the story (which lead to con #2)
Notes:
Remembering the Fallen is a good, quick read. It gives a little background on the War of the Sun and the Moon which ties into Canterlot: Her Creation and Her Architects. The main issue is that the main OC, Hailstorm, isn't fully developed. To truly make a death have a powerful emotional impact on a person, they first need to know and love a character. When a beloved character dies, it hits home hard. That's why you felt such an impact when writing her death: you knew her and loved her as a character (seeing as she was your creation), an intimate knowledge that I unfortunately didn't have. But, it was a good read and I hope that this review is helpful for your future works!
-Flame Runner
Ahem... more please? I adore this story and would love to see it expanded upon, as it and it's tie-in are a very good foundation to write further stories about. This is truly a very emotional and a marvelous tie-in to Canterlot: Her Creation and Architects.
Since this is rattling around in my head, I want to say that I can't help but think that this could turn into an archaeological adventure with Twilight and company volunteering to find the lost tombs of the architects (provided there are any) upon seeing Celestia's nostalgia. It could be a bit tomb-raider-ish, minus freaky cults and conspiracies, so there'd be action, but more than that it's a quest to recover and remember those that came before. I vaguely recall one little thing like it in the first season of Aria the anime... the title character is asked by a strange girl she is led to by a cat to deliver a recording to someone, and she finds out the receiver has been dead for years... and that the cat and girl were both the same individual, and nothing more than physically manifesting pieces of the past. That episode was so nostalgic I wanted to cry. Ahem!
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m5kn2o4Tqs1r7qe2l.gif
...
No, actually, that would take to long. I'ma just say:
i479.photobucket.com/albums/rr157/antpogo/pony/11724020-20artist3Arlyoff20brilliant20letter20spike.jpg
and
gifsoup.com/view4/1446012/well-done-o.gif
1990270 That was an idea I entertained, we'll see how that goes.
1914098 okay thanks for review. But he is a she if you haven't noticed
*COUGH*STALIN*COUGH*
2009893. What??? She had good reasons!! Right???
2010021
Reasons shmeasons! Besides, the truth coming out later will only result in even worse backlash for Lulu.
2010082 Your opinion, but remember this is my story XD
2010268
Yes. Sigh.
Me and my wishes for governments without corruption.
Semper Fi, Hailstorm.
As a suggestion for this simple yet great story, search YouTube for 'Halo 3 Never Forget'. It's a song from the soundtrack that I think would suit this very well
2013239 Thanks for the soundtrack suggestion. It does match the story very well
Did you find Celestia's reasons justified for the coverup? That's a thing I was worried about.
Yo, It's RariTwiFan from Authors Helping Authors!
Remembering the fallen
Grammar:9
Pros:
-It made me cry. The amount of emotion you had to put in this had to be draining and I gotta say as a fellow author I respect you a lot for making such a great story that was this emotionally powerfully.
-Celestia's characterization was great.
-Twilight's Letter...that letter was just...it was well written and a very Twilight thing to do.
Cons:
-A couple of errors here and there. One that stood out to me was, "They had to fight and killeach other,"
nothing too bad though.
-The mane six's opinions on the cover up could have been a bit more varied.
-I need more!
Notes: This is an excellent story and I look forward to reading the end. I expect to cry a lot next chapter.
I really hope this review helped and if you have the time I would like you to review the second chapter of my story,Colossal, and thank you for this fabulous story.
2015461
I know they say that the end justifies the means, Celestia just seemed to go the wrong way about it. It was right what she did considering the Equestrian culture has little to no violence what so ever, so she would obviously want to protect her subjects from the horror of it.
Have another soundtrack suggestion for chapter three, a song by Hans Zimmer titled 'Journey to the Line'. The two parts seem to suit how that chapter flows quite well, dark beginning, but has a calm ending.