Some monsters can be redeemed. Others can not. As Chrysalis faces the end of her life, will Fluttershy be able to help her find love and friendship, or will she die as she lived—a remorseless monster?
Gore present in the first chapter. Unlikely to appear anywhere else.
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This promises to be interesting. May you post much, and often.
1866167
I shall do my best!
And thanks for the fav!
Another additional for the stacks at Miskatonik library? Professor, you've done it again!
1866536
Thank you. Been hard to write, ever since the Dean cut me off from the restricted section.
At least, thats what he thinks...
fhtagn
Damn, that was good. I really felt for Chrysalis. I can't imagine all my children dying like that...
Great job.
1866599
Thats what I was aiming for. You'll hate her next chapter.
1866606 Most wonderful.
14 favourites. 8 upvotes.
Someones holding out on me.
i1300.photobucket.com/albums/ag83/TrollestiaSubject/Discorded/Spike%20is%20Orphan/Rarity_crying1_S02E05.png
1867607
Yes, cry, cry your sweet tears of sorrow!
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Irredeemable
Grammar score out of 10: 8- I think your grammar is pretty good for this one. I didn't notice much, but then again my commas are horrible and I was reading more for plot
Pros:
Chrysalis not redeemable? AWESOME!!!!! I'm tired of redeeming Chrysalis. I mean it is a nice genre, but after a while you get tired of it.
I liked the background descriptions and how Chrysalis is staring at them while she is dying.
For a first chapter you establsihed quite a bit of good information on her character.
Cons
I think she should feel more pain at the loss of all her children instead of just bitter acceptance, but this is your Chrysalis
Fluttershy finds her... it's kind of overused, but at the same time I can see why you did it (it's quite a minor con)
It's not really a con, but it's something you should watch out. Beware of making Chrysalis outright evil refusing to accept anything. (i'll elaborate in notes)
Notes Section:
What you should worry about now is that Chrysalis, is going to be changed in one way or another by the mane 6, that's kind of the point of the ELements of Harmony. If you just have her make the six fail and make them cry, it's just going to turn out to be a so-so story (though I don't think you're going to do that the way you're doing things). Keep the idea Chrysalis can't or maybe doesn't need to be redeemed, but make sure the reason she can't be redeemed is a good one that works to teach all the characters a good lesson. Either that, or you can make this a massive tragedy fic in which whatever the mane 6 does results in disaster and anybody reading this fic will get that the point of this fic is to make you miserable and to say that some villains can't be redeemed. At this point, you can go either way and i'm eager to see which one you choose.
The fic I would like you to read is called Remembering the Fallen. Some of my OCs appear in it, but briefly and you'll see why
1872333
Yeah, Fluttershy's introduction was just a framing device to continue the story. I'll go into more depth with it at later chapters. And yeah, I am not going to end it on a "Chysy ignores everything that has happend and makes the mane 6 fail". She is going to go through character development, yet remain a monster. Heck, I already have a bit of that—she comforts her children and sings them a lullaby, but then tells Fluttershy that Kindness is a weakness. Technicaly, she's refering to kindness to your enemies, but I am not sure that comes across. May cover it in a later chapter.
Huh, this fic reviewing thing is becoming a bit like a tennis game
1872654 IN a sense, but the tennis game ends up benefiting all authors who participate and even if the ball gets hit out of court it'll hit another author and he'll begin another game with another author = we all get likes, favs and reviews :D
What do you mean by remain a monster? As in remain unlikeable or a monster in the eyes of the Mane 6?
1872678
True enough. Everbody wins.
Good luck in your writing journey! I wish you the best, following this story as you go!
1872751
Thank you!
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group Authors Helping Authors
Name: Irredeemable
Grammar: 9
Pros: The writing is solid, Creates interest for the reader to continue. Solid Idea for a story.
Cons: can't really think of any.
Notes: sorry if this isn't all that helpful of a review, but I look at a story more for plot than grammar or sentence structure. let me just say that I really like this Idea, This will be my first Chrysalis story I've read on the site. You have some great detail in describing what she felt. I like the fact that you have her comforting her children, as they die. Makes her more real I suppose, Lastly I like that you have Fluttershy taking care of her, she's my favorite of the mane six, also she's the only one that makes sense to be taking care of her.
Great story, looking forward to the next chapter. Don't forget to take a look at Guardian of the Hearthfire, and if you want Twas a Hearthwarming eve.
1885775
Thanks for the reveiw! Glad you liked it. I'll try to get the next chapter out snappish, but I am working on a fair few projects at the moment.
Guardian of the Hearthfire sounds really intersting. Can't wait to read it.
Edit—oh, and feel free to read my other stuff.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Irredeemable
Grammar score out of 10: 7.5
Pros:
- An interesting concept
- Excellent characterisation for both Chrysalis and Fluttershy
- Reasonable pacing
Cons:
- Occasionally misspellings. You've sometimes misspelled a word that you could likely catch with a spellcheck or a thorough read-through.
- Ellipses. There should almost always be a space after an ellipsis.
- The switches between times were a bit hard to follow. I had to go back and re-read certain parts to get which part of the wedding you were referring to.
Notes Section:
The concept is a good one, at is seems to be well portrayed. Your characterisation of the ponies was down to a point, and the general writing style was fairly advanced and well done. This seems like the story that I would look forward to reading more of, and so I've given it a like and a favourite.
I hope this review has been somewhat useful to you, and I would really appreciate it if you could check out my story: Oldnew Luna
Dan
1891065
Thanks for the review! I'm glad you liked it! Now I have got another story to review. Damn, but they are building up fast.
As for ellipsis, you can write them without the space. There are tons of ways of writing them, each as valid as the last. They're weird like that. (Or at least, that's what theWriting guide I am using tells me).
1891088 I don't mind if you don't read my fic, I'm only doing this because I felt like reading. On the note of ellipses, while you're correct in that they can be used in many different styles, the most common use - especially amongst fiction writing, is to put a space after it - just like many other things that people do in their fictions that's don't technically matter, or are wrong.
1891137
Hum, I'll consider putting in the space. Who knows, it may look better. As for your story, it turns out that I already started reading it at some point, but I must have gotten distracted and forgot to come back to it.
Please continue!