• Member Since 19th Nov, 2012
  • offline last seen Nov 17th, 2015

Verlax


Verlax, polish brony, admin of The Polish Writers Society, author of several fics, big fan of Warhammer 40.000, H.P Lovecraft writing and of course My Little Pony.

T
Source

For ten thousand years Princess Celestia and Princess Luna ruled over the peaceful land of Equestria. But something dark is beginning to stir in the shadows of space. Eternal, violent, mindless and bloodthirsty war. It was during the Age of the Old One's, or in human terms Horus Heresy. To make dreams about creating a utopia for their fellow ponies the Princesses of the Sun and the Moon unleashed a powerful spell that covered Equestria and Moon, hiding them from the war. The Royal Sisters buried the memory about the universe and they create harmony. But the spell wasn't powerful enough to hold for eternity, and even the Princesses effort didn't help. Probably one of the biggest manifestations of power in the entire universe vanished, revealing a peaceful nation of colorful, speaking ponies to the grim darkness of a galaxy wide war. It would be the end for Equestria, but Princess Luna managed to convince General Anders from the Imperial Guard, and Equestria joined the Imperium of Mankind. But to do this, the Princess of the Moon made a sacrifice that cast thousands of ponies into the oblivion.

That, was how The First and Only was born.


Applejack heard the whine of Gaunt’s chainsword as the commissar leapt up the scaling ladder nailed into the trench wall above the firestep and yelled to his soldiers.

“Ponies of Equestria! Do you want to live forever?”

Their reply, loud and raucous, was lost in the barrage of shells. But Ibram Gaunt knew what they had said. Weapons blazing, Gaunt’s Ghosts went over the top and blasted their way towards glory, death or whatever else awaited them in the smoke.


Forget the power of kindness and goodness, for so much has been forgotten, never to be re-learned. Forget the promise of friendship and magic, for in the grim dark future there is only war. There is no peace amongst the stars, only an eternity of carnage and slaughter, and the laughter of thirsting gods

Chapters (7)
Comments ( 77 )

Pretty good start. A few grammar mistakes, but they do not detract from the story, which is the important part.

40k crossover?
Going on the read later list!
Opinion on story will come soon.

This is a good setup for a story that has the potential for epic.
The scene is set, the plans drawn, so let the action commence! :pinkiehappy:

An interesting start. I look forward to continuing.
I just had one question.
Will ponies before joining the Guard to drink a potion that turns them front hoofs on hands? Because otherwise it would have been in the guard useful just unicorns.

This looks actually promising. However there are several repeated grammar mistakes. The most important one being 'I'. It's supposed to be capital at all times. A proffreader or two would help.

MEN OF TANITH!
DO YOU WANT TO LIVE FOREVER?
wh40k.lexicanum.com/mediawiki/images/thumb/9/97/Tanith_First.jpg/200px-Tanith_First.jpg

Alright, that aside, this is an interesting story with some serious syntax problems.

It was the occasion of century, and she couldn't lost it. If she succeed, it will give the Equestria chance.

Yeah, things like that.

Grab yourself a proof-reader and you should be set, though.

Thank you guys, for all attention you gave to the story, I really appreciate that. Next Chapter will probably appear in next weekend ( Warning : In my statements, 'probably' is a key word ).

Don't forget to make all stuff related with the FimFiction site, like Likes, Favourites, Recommendations and such. Give this story a love, and I will be writing it with even bigger amount of passion.

1913191

I was supposed to not spoil anything, but this one actually I can. No. I will explain it in Chapter II + III.

1914323

Points taken. I corrected Chapter with a help from Fluttershy Joe, and now I think it looks slightly better.

Stay Awesome

Verlax

This review is brought to you by the group Authors helping Authors

Name: Equestria first and only

Grammar: 4

Pros: I love the Idea, big fan of the 40k universe though I haven't read any of the books.
The story is solid, and has a lot of potential

cons: Grammar for one needs some work, so doesn't the wording, a good proof-reader would fix that
other than grammar, I didn't find a lot wrong with this.

Notes: I like the concept and the characters, I didn't feel like Luna or Celestia were out of character. though you do need someone to look over your story and fix the grammar and syntax.

I hope you liked your review, when you get the chance please review my story Guardian of the Hearthfire.

1927021

Thanks a lot, I will try to correct that dammit mistakes with gramma. I will write review to this story as fast as it will possible ( I guess tomorrow I will able to make this ).

1927110 I also commented on the thread you posted in the Indie group.

This review is brought to you by the group Authors helping Authors
Name: Equestria first and only
Grammar: 4
Pros: Well you have solid capitalization at least so I applaud you for being able to at least do that (since English isn't your native language)
The plot is getting interesting and the two goddesses mostly seemed to be in character.
Fraid I have no idea what the 40K universe is so... I was lost for a bit, but you did your best to explain it.
Summary perks attention
cons: Grammar. You need a lot of work. They also seem to make your descriptions and pacing sound awkward at time. I recommend getting a proofreader like Hingard said and practicing your english (by reading, lots of reading), which would take time
You may have revealed a little too much in summary. Did you have to tell us Luna would sacrifice herself? (just a suggestion, this is relative to author) and you need to correct your summary, people sometimes dislike on the basis of a grammatically incorrect summary.
Notes: The concept... was interesting as were your potrayal of Luna and Celestia. And for a universe I had no idea about, i thought I got to at least understand some of it. You do need to work on grammar though because it's noticeably affecting the flow and pacing of the story. Still have a like. You deserve it for writing a story when English ain't your native language!
Enjoy the review. Please take a look at my main story: Canterlot: Her Creation and Her Architects

1932073

Thanks a lot bro.

Only two thing. Sacrifise you mention I spoil, is totally not you think about. :twilightsmile:

Second, seriously there are mistakes in summary? :derpyderp2: Sorry for taking your time, but could you show me them? I'm extremely suprised that there are some of them.

I will get to review your story as fast as possible.

Stay Awesome

1932090 really just the last line,. is meant to be sacrifice that cast

"Seargant Fast Spear, what part of : 'I'm not available at the moment, you do not understand'!?" - cried Princess Luna.
"Sargeant Fast Spear, what part of 'I'm not available at the moment,' do you not understand!?" cried Princess Luna.
Stop using dashes to separate speech. That's what quotation marks are for. Don't use colons either. Learn what a piece of punctuation is for before you use it.

"Princess, we are under attacked by Change..." - tried to say aghast guard
"Princess, we are under attack by Change..." the aghast guard tried to say.

But she abandon it soon enough, Celestia was enough powerful to take down all the treats.
But she abandoned it soon enough; Celestia was enough powerful to take down all the threats.
"take down all the threads?" What an incredibly awkward way to put it.

Abnormally big ship stood still in the space, really close to Equestria.
An abnormally big ship stood still in the space, really close to Equestria.
Another awkward sentence.

They casted it about ten thousands years ago, ... every day both Princess casted a spell,
They cast it about ten thousands years ago, ... every day both Princess cast a spell,
"Cast" is the past tense of "cast." It's known as an irregular verb.

and royal sisters sacrifised big amount of power
and royal sisters sacrificed a big amount of power
You probably want to say "large" rather than big, too.

Truth was, that they were enpowering their spell, which make the Equestria planet and the Moon invinsible.
The truth was, they were empowering their spell, which make the Equestrian planet and the Moon invisible.

A ship was in the shortcut the flying cathedral in the space.
What? What are you talking about here? Was the ship in the Warp? In space?

maintaining such powerful machine.
maintaining such a powerful machine.

This one was the biggest they ever known, and probably it stored a big amount of knowledge.
This one was the biggest they had ever known, and it probably stored a large amount of knowledge.

gave Princess Luna chance of learn how the world outside Equestria looked like.
gave Princess Luna a chance of learn what the world outside Equestria looked like.

That's it. I'm done. When I can't get through a single paragraph without stopping to correct you, it's time to throw in the towel. The first section was actually good. Like, really good. I was actually kind of impressed. But then... was this written by more than one person? Or did your proofreaders also give up after the first part?

1910942
Did... did you read it? Detract isn't even the right word. More like destroy, which they very much do.

Okay, okay. ESL, I get it. At this point, I'm actually more disappointed in the six (count 'em: six) proofreaders! I'm disappointed that they told you this was ready for public consumption. Did they tell you it was ready? They lied. C'mon guys!

1941529

Ehm, first of all, pre-readers start working AFTER story was published, not before. That's why NOW, it looks like it looks.

Thanks a lot for helping me with correcting Chapter, but you could just write a PM to me, and I could give you a google.doc link.

1941560
Eh, I'm more of a reviewer. Actually, I'm a reader who writes reviews when he feels like it. But I'm not a proofreader. I'll try to correct a few mistakes, as long as they are just that: few. Like I said, I get that you're ESL, and it's great that you have proofreaders to help you with English's... difficulties. But here's a question: if you have a separate doc for proofreaders to fix, why did you publish the version full of errors? Why not let them fix it first, and then publish? You shipped an unfinished project, an alpha build, and I don't understand why, when you could have just waited.

1941587

Well... they are several reasons why I did this.

1. First of all, it was just easier to find a pre-readers for already published story, rather than un-published.
2. I wanted to receive some feedback from Authors Helping Authors group and others ( like WH40k and Indie Group ), and to make it easier, I published this story for them.
3. I was to un-patient, idea of story was just too awesome to wait. :twilightsheepish:

Basically, first Chapter will be almost completely re-written in about ( about is a key word ) half a week, thanks to helpful pre-readers.

1941529 I can read it, so it's still good. At least its not as FAIL as Spiderses... No matter how funny that fic was...

1949051
Spiderses was a parody. It was a deliberate example of terrible spelling, grammar, and all the stereotypical, cliche bad habits of first-time fanfic writers taken ad absurdum. In that regard, I wouldn't consider it to be a fail at all; it did exactly what it was intended to do, which was be exceptionally terrible. What does it say about this story, a story that I assume Verlax means to be serious, that you're comparing it (even favorably) to Spiderses? I wouldn't consider "at least you're not as bad as Hitler" much of a compliment.

There's a debate here that we can have about the balance between being inclusive and letting everyone have a voice on one hand, and how much mediocrity we're willing to sift through to find stories that are actually legitimately good on the other. I know not everyone will have a professional-quality piece to share, but I see a surprising amount of nonspecific praise lavished on stories that are frankly subpar. It's disheartening when I see stories that demonstrate true skill, and average-quality ones are just as popular.

1953957

Before I will go to the main part, I want to say, that I read your comment three times, used dictionary to translate it all word by word, and I still can't understand what is the point of your comment. I suppose, I need to imigrate to some English-using-country to learn that language good enough.

It's not something, that I just don't want to make this fic well-written. Holy mother of Celestia, I'm using three dictionaries, my old English Student Book and read other fics to catch some fancy sentences I could use. It hurts badly, that it's so hard to write in foreign language. I also write fics in Polish, and I can write it about 5x faster without any mistakes, comparing to stuff I'm publishing here. Heck, even on my profile page you can read, that one of the main point of writing stuff here, is to improve my shitty english.

Actually, not knowing English that good sometimes helps. Gramma mistakes are invisible to me, so reading even the shittiest fic isn't a big drama for me. Bad point is, when you try to read Upheaval or Powers of Harmony and you stop understanding plot after a few chapters. Derp. Or writing your own fic.

As I said before, Chapter I will receive Massive update with all mistakes corrected. Chapter II is already in progress, but I will not publish it soon, cause of endless wave of mistakes, which I and my pre-readers will try to deal with.

Thanks again for constructive criticism, it's much better than receiving random dislikes. I'll try make this fic enough awesome to be a tribute to the glorious Dan Abnett's masterpiece.

1954098
Don't worry about it too much. American English is notoriously difficult to master. Most Americans can't even use it properly. At least you have a good excuse. The point of my previous post was just to complain about some things I see in general, rather than about you specifically.

If I've come across as harsh, I didn't mean to. I'm most critical of the stories that I want to see improved, the stories that I feel have the most potential. If I didn't like it at all, I would probably just ignore it. Like I said, the first section, the one that was fixed up, was very good. I don't know how much of that was from you, and how much was from your proofreaders, but it was perfectly fine. And it's obvious you're open to criticism and working on improving your writing, which is more than a lot of writers I've seen can say.

I'm actually curious now: is there a Polish translation of Dan Abnett's books that you've read?

1954752

Yes, we have.

t0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQpj-O1XQI2yy8OwfDPOtS12V-T7QxbmZYQxD0wlGuZeQfsjEABRfDXJltB_Q

I read Pierwszy i Jedyny z Tanith ( Tanith First and Only ), Gwardia Honorowa ( Honor Guard ), and Karabiny Tanith ( Rifles of Tanith ). However, Polish translation is extremely bad, even the amatuer could translate it better, so I'm also reading this novel series in English ( just finished Ghostmaker and original First and Only, and I'm gonna read Necropoly soon ).

If it's okay with you, I can inform you when this story will receive this Massive Correction update.

Hey, just so you know I haven't forgotten about you :-3. Just been getting back into the rhythm of school; I'll have your review tomorrow =D.

This review brought to you on behalf of Authors Helping Authors!

Grammar (out of 10): 3 or a 4, but having taught English as a Second Language I'll call it an 8 or 9 by those standards.

Pros: Gaunt's Ghosts. 'nuff Said.
You capture Abnett's writing style exceptionally well
The integration of the worlds thus far is going quite well

Cons: Grammar and spelling issues
Might be hard to approach to those unfamiliar with 40k canon
A bit of confusion with the early Luna scene

Notes: I have to say, your fic is putting mine to shame thus far :-p. In particular the 40k bits; they feel far more appropriate to Abnett's canon as far as I can tell. I won't harp on the spelling and grammar, since plenty of others already have and you're already in the process of getting it proofread (plus English is a bitch of a language to learn when it isn't your primary). One thing I noticed (and I'm at least as guilty of this if not more in mine) is that many elements of the 40k canon are introduced and treated as common knowledge, when only some of the MLP fandom knows 40k and far fewer know detailed lore. I'm sure to a large extent the target audience is Dan Abnett fans, but it might be easier to broaden the audience base with a bit more introduction to 40k lore (not to mention that you could probably snag a few new Ghosts fans with a story this good).

Toward the beginning scene, I had one issue with Luna. A guard shows up to tell her they're under attack, and she hurls him out assuming it's a prank of some sort. Then her personal guard shows up and affirms the situation, yet she seems completely unsurprised. I think she should either believe the original guard but not care (as her current task is more important) or at least seem surprised when Night Stalker fills her in on the truth.

All told, an easy thumbs up from me =D. Once it gets edited for spelling/grammar, I'd also say it could easily make featured. Keep up the good work!


If you want to keep chaining reviews, my main fic is The Ballad of Jack and Sylvia: an Equestrian Odyssey. I'll gladly review more of yours in exchange =D.

-Venter

This review brought to you by the group, Authors Helping Authors.

Fic: Equestria First and Only
Grammar Score: 6 (you really shouldn't beat yourself up over this; there is much worse that I've read)
Pros: You jump right into the crossover material without making it sound ridiculous.
Luna and Celestia are already well characterized from the little I've seen of them.
I don't know the crossover material, but you've created great suspense in the audience bymaking it unclear as to the story's progression.
Cons: The grammar is not horrible, but there are a few mistakes with tense that take away from a set story tone.
Your description is resting right at the middle. I find this to be more frustrating than a complete lack thereof because I can see where it could be extended more easily than if it wasn't.
The dialouge feels somewhat disjointed at times. It's not constant, but in long conversations, like between Luna and Celestia, the flow breaks sometimes.

Notes: You've earned a like and fav from me for this. A) Your crossover abilities are amazing. There is a nice, seemless flow between sources. B) Your ability to drop me into a universe I have no knowledge of without it feeling awkward and forced deserves serious props.
Oh, and Luna with ethereal form powers is awesome. Keep on keepin' on, and thanks for reviewing my own story.

1966710

Thanks men! Stuff you pointed out is quite helpful, really thanks. I will get to your story ASAP ( maybe in this week ).

1978164

Thanks! However, I have one question. Could you explain, what exactly is bad with my description? If it's okay with you, please write it PM, because explaining this to you can end up in spoiling too much information from the plot of story.

The only real problem is that you'll just copy and paste the plot and tone of the Ghost books/40k and just make the MLP cast humans will funny names. It would be fun to see the harden Ghost react to ponies silliness.

Like I don't know since all ponies are magical that would mean all ponies are psykers like the Eldar or Orks. Plus I would keep that show making ponies super tough in I don't know make it a low level force field. Like a bolter would just scratch them. This would make Equestria a target for both the Imperuim and Chaos. Because neither would ever bother with a single planet (minor alien factions to exist, and trade is have between then and humans)

2001808

Well... you got some good points here, but almost all of them are explained in the next Chapter, which will appear... crap. No idea when.

It's complete for almost one and half a week, usual 4600 words, but I will not publish it until somebody will help me with pre-reading it.

What can I say about your points without spoiling however, is that I have really good reason why I put so much from original plot from Tanith First and Only. In next chapters many things can be unclear, why, why I made this, why I put this and this and list goes on. Hovewer, I can ensure you, that I have reasons for everything. And don't bother so much with WH40k lore correction, I'll try to make it as much close to Lexicanum and such as it's possible but I will use famous "Abnett Verse" style if it will affect a story in good way.

2001837
Well as long as its not yet another grimdark war story to traumatizes all the ponies we love and care about.

That's been done to death so many times its some kind of super zombie.

There is a reason why grimdark is a term of mockery. After all.

Over all it's not bad, scenes are fine and well thought out. Only real problem is grammar.

Also sorry I wasn't able to help you as much on Ch 2.

hot damn! written as well as any novel i've read!:pinkiehappy:

They weren't racist

Hah

cruel

Oh please

narrow-minded

Really?

blinded in the faith and savage beings.

Mmmmmreehh. I'll let you have that one

Can't get past the grammar. Needs heavy, heavy editing.

Keep working at it though; there's no way past the language barrier but practice.

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors

Equestria First and Only

Grammar score: 6/10

Pros: Your story is inventive and I like the way the princesses telepathically speak to one another as they try to join the Imperium of Mankind. Next, you seem to have a solid grasp of all the different factions of characters and how you want them to interact in the story. Finally, you manage to fit quite a bit of tension in the scenes/conversations. As a reader, I can feel that the stakes are high.:rainbowdetermined2:

Cons: It is not very accessible to those who are not familiar with the universe you are crossing MLP over with. This is the main con in your story. Unfortunately, I am one of those who have never played, watched, or read anything from the Warhammer 40,000 universe. I had a really hard time figuring out what was going on.

Notes Section: It is not an easy thing to make a crossover story something that can be enjoyed by readers who only know one of the worlds that are being crossed with each other. I would recommend adding sentences and paragraphs to what you have that give short explanations of the non-pony elements in the story. Those who are familiar with the Warhammer 40,000 stuff shouldn't mind too much. (A lot of authors who write long series will recount events from the previous novel in the sequel so that, even if a reader hasn't read the first book in the series, they can pick up the sequel and know what's going on.) Your storytelling itself seems solid. A bit more polish on the grammar and a little added info to help along the readers who only know the pony side of the story will go a long way.

Enjoy your review! Hope it was helpful. And thanks again for your review of my story Celestia in Excelsis! See you around!:twilightsmile:

Okay guys, some info, devided into a few points :

1. Why did it take so long?

You waited quite a long time to receive this chapter. I had really big problem with this one, because it had a lot of world-building, and as Kolwynia suggested, I "tried" to make this stuff clear for guys not knowing Warhammer 40.000 and Gaunt's Ghosts novel series to ensure everyone is capable of understanding what is going on. Also, some guys from the "I'm gonna give you a bullshit amount of work to do" Department.

2. How often I will publish next chapters?

Well... I'm not that fast writer, but I can promise that I will make this stuff faster. Not because I'm writing faster, but because I will not wait for my dear pre-readers to help me with this stuff, it just takes too much time and well... it's not that bad at all ( I think ).

3. So... this chapter and next won't have any outside correction made?

Yes. It will probably look more shitty than usual, but hey! Don't be a grama Nazi, just enjoy the plot. :pinkiehappy:

4. Special Announcement.

If I get another Random Dislike without explanation what I did bad I'm gonna call the Ordo Bronicus to declare Exterminatus upon your houses. You have been warned. :twilightsmile:

5. About Next Chapters

Well, well, well... actually, when I was creating the story, I didn't suspect that Celestia and Luna will play big role in the plot. At first they were supposed to fit the gap in the prologue, but now as you see I'm gonna pull them quite often. However, I'll promise you that in the next Chapter we will finally meet our beloved Mane Six.

6. My Reaction to The Twilight You Know What and about Alternate Universe

I'm gonna write quite big Blog Post about it, but in TL;DR it looks like this :
1:37

Hurr Durr, Mondo Media knew everything all along!:twilightsmile:

I started writing after the Wonderbolt Academy Episode, so I can say already that Keep Calm and Flutter On and Princess Coronation never happened.

And that would be all.

Stay Awesome

Verlax

I am a huge fan of 40k/MLP crossovers, and while I do see a lot of promise in this story, the grammar errors can be rather obvious at points. That said, I will follow this merely because it's not bad, just needs a little bit of work.

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors as per return for the review on my story, Twilight Sparkle DOESN'T Become An Alicorn.

Name of Story: Equestria First And Only

Grammar score: 8.5/10

Pros -
Very well thought out and written.
Interesting, in the fact that it had me enticed into the world.
Well described. I could easily imagine quite a few scene.

Cons -
Noticed a few grammatical errors. (Nothing major, however)
Some paragraphs go on for a bit longer than needed. (More of a personal thing for me)
Can't think of a third one!

Notes -
I enjoyed the story quite tremendously! The story is well thought out and indeed well executed. Some grammatical errors are there, but mostly overshadowed by the story line. Also, all of the characters seem to be perfectly in character. Sorry I don't have much more for the notes section, but I can't really think of anything else to compliment or pick at! Excellent story!

Enjoy your review! Thank you very much for the review on my story: Twilight Sparkle DOESN'T Become An Alicorn!

Ehm, ok guys, short explanation for this Chapter.

I really derped scene with the shooting range, 'cause of Polish translation of the Tanith First and Only.

In the Polish version, Bragg nickname is "Szansa" which would be translated into "Chance", while in original it was "Try Again". Sorry guys for this, I spotted this too late. I made correction update ( small change of dialogue ).

And yea, if it wasn't obvious for the Tanith First and Only readers already : Big Mac is Bragg.

I spotted that there are a lot of guys who enjoyed the story, but have a bit problems what Warhammer 40.000 is. This Chapter is for you guys, enjoy. I need to warn you, that next Chapters will come much slower than this one, because my two weeks of free time are ending.

About grammatic stuff : No, I don't have editor, so you had to survive my terrible gramma in this story. Sorry for that, but kinda can't help the fact, that I was born in "this" country and not in "that" country.

Stay Awesome

Verlax

Alright.
I am a bit more oriented. A bit.
Was there any more significant event before or after Equestria is discovered?
You said it's M41. If I have ANY grasp on Warhammer 40k then I know a lot of things happened in M41 period.

Jesus, these nerd dates are killing me.

2173202

There were a lot of things that happen before and after Balhaut Campain ( and Celestia speech in this fiction ). However, there is one problem :

Dates in the universe of the Warhammer 40.000 are really messed up. I give you example. Dan Abnett in the original Tanith First and Only made Ibram Gaunt to reffered to Commissar Yarrick. Problem is... that Yarrick was born one hundred years later. The buck...

Actually, there is a reason for it. Warp jumps are making quite big anomalies, so chronology in the WH40k is really derped. However, I can give you a timeline of the Sabbat Worlds Crusade, the most important of the historical event for this fiction and for original Tanith First and Only.

Warning! Spoilers for original Tanith First and Only! Sabbat World Crusade

2177957
Oh Jesus. So basically warp is the Deus Ex machina of Warhammer?
Ugh. Why couldn't it just be a goddamn video game and not have stupid comic spin offs and novels. I mean sure, it's based off of one but really. Go away.
Now, time to complain about some more First World problems!

Good chapter, but it has a few spelling errors.
The most hilarious is in the third paragraph. "Bic Mac"

Meeester
Moderator

This story has been reviewed by the The Equestrian Critics Society.

Story Title: Equestria First and Only

Author: Verlax

Reviewed by: Meeester

Verlax has written an excellent sci-fi story centering on the Princesses, Mane Six and the incredible forces of the Warhammer universe without succumbing to the pitfalls of many crossovers such as tell without show, poor characterization, and long winded explanations. The crossover is seamless, the characters are realistic, and the narration sets the scene very well without telling more than showing; however, the poor grammar is too distracting and is holding the story back.

Full Review

Score: 6.9/10

Reviewer Recommendations: The Proofreader Group

Just as planned.

Creed: TZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETCH!!!

and Discord. He is the only being from the outside of the Equestria, in fact. Deamon of the Lord of Change in our motherland...

denver.mylittlefacewhen.com/media/f/img/mlfw5485-Discord_just_as_planned.gif
media.moddb.com/cache/images/groups/1/3/2055/thumb_620x2000/Just_as_planned_tzeentch.jpg
Keikaku doori...

Okay, notes for this story.

1: Set up is interesting, but not unique. I have seen so many Imperium/Equestria stories, I can't count. (This is just a nitpick)

Oddly enough, Luna just throwing ponies to their doom is not one of those flaws. I can really see her do that, since she seems impartial and inconsiderate of most mortals. (Well, at least to me.)

2: No, what gets me is Twilight and her friends joining the guard....Okay, let me get this straight. The Elements of Harmony, Equestria's greatest heroes, wielders of powers that could best the greatest of foes, are now throw away grunts. (No offense to the Imperial Guard) But you don't just do that. Especially Fluttershy. She's the last pony I can see in a war. (Actually, this is a common annoyance in war fics. Why do all the Elements of Harmony join the army or something like that? It makes no logical sense, and in the event of one of their deaths, render the Elements useless until another pony is chose.)

(Side note: Pinkie Pie...There is no force in the galaxy that can stop her. And don't be all like, some random heretic or a simple ork could kill her easy. NO! That is not how she works and I don't like it when people do so because that's not how Pinkie is. She could probably become friends with the orks and throw a big party for everyone. Chaos lords would go insane (more so then they already are) just trying to figure her out. She could even get on the good side of the Eldar and Tau.:pinkiehappy:)

3: It seems that the Imperials want to use them as throw-away grunts. (No offense to the Imperial Guard) But if that's the case...DID THE IMPERIUM GET DUMBER ALL OF A SUDDEN! If they knew the simplest of facts of these ponies, they'd know that they were sitting on a gold mine.

-Pegasi can control the weather.
-Unicorns are less likely to be tainted by chaos, as well as healing abilities...actually, unicorns can do much more then regular psykers can do.
-Earth pony strength and durability.

That's just naming a few.

4: What of the other nations and species? Are they going to send regiments? Are the regiments going to mix up the species so to get the best of each trait into each regiment? (That would be awesome and incredibly efficient.)

-Griffons: Larger and stronger then their pegasi counterparts. Could be used for deadlier missions and to assist the pegasi.
-Changelings: Espionage and tactics to confuse the enemies.
-Diamond Dogs: Muscle, cannon fodder, and tunnel capabilites.
-Minotaur: Muscle and Durability
-Dragons: Need I say anything about what they could do?
-Zebras, Saddle Arabians, and other hooved animals: Support
(There are probably other intelligent races, but you get the gist.)

5: Lastly, Discord. Oh no. Do not just make him a puppet of chaos, because he isn't. He's solo and does not act or adhere to the style of the chaos gods. Actually, he would find them insulting to chaos, or at least his version of it. Since it seems he prefers a happier, go lucky version. Yeah, some people suffer, but it's more of the thing that you can still have fun. (Also, for further evidence, season 3 ;Keep Calm and Flutter On) Honestly, if he ever did come across other chaos players, he'd troll them until they left Equestria for good.
(Also, how is going to get out of his imprisonment. Seeing as the Elements are going off world.)

6: Derpy is in the Guard....I don't know who's in worse condition. Equestrians or their enemies? (Also, wouldn't her eye impairment cause her not to be applicable for the Gaurd, seeing as she wouldn't be able to fire her lasgun properly and such other things.)

(Now that that's my say. I mean no harm, or ill way towards this fic. I am intrigued and currently following. Keep up the good work.)

2464250

Hi there! It's great to see such a great feedback!

Well, I would really likely to answer all the points, but... *BLAM* I'm Commissar Anti-Spoiler and I will censoring and controling the entire stuff.

Let's do this.

1. Hmm... you are almost right there. Of course it's not quite unique ( hurr durr, planet hidden for ages, and now Imperium discover it ). But there is one big difference. Actually, this book is more based on Tanith First and Only book, rather than Warhammer 40.000 lore ( it's not the same, because Dan Abnett likes to change a lot of things in his WH40k books ).

2. Your the most accurate point and I had to agree with you. Yea, this story don't have really good explanation for this, but I will try to make it enough awesome to comfort you.

And one thing. Who said that all of Mane Six will be soldiers?... like for examp- *BLAM!*

3. Don't worry about that. I'm centairly sure I will make this regiment truly badass and awesome to make the Imperial Guard generals jaws drop. I can't say how it will be look like but- *BLAM!*

4. Well... Ehm... I would really like to say it, but there is really angry commissar in front of me pointing his bolt pist- *BLAM!*

5. It will have good explanation in the next chapter, don't worry about Discord. Actually, I'm trying to not make him more powerful/awesome than one partcula- *BLAM!*

6. Oh yea... Derpy.:derpytongue2: Heh. Well, he was accepted because it wasn't the human officer to accept them, but a pony one. Okay, yea. It's another good point but you know centairly that *BLAM!*

Login or register to comment