After a successful campaign against the Chaos Space Marines a group of five elite Space Marines and their Starship is swallowed by a warp-storm and later reemerge and crash on an unknown planet outside of known space and outside the border of the Imperium.
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Those don't really sound like Space Marines.
Yeah, these guys talk more like guardsmen. Space marines would just purge everything they saw.
Ah.... Well, I do have a few thoughts. Feel free to tell me to go jump in a lake at any time, as I will probably be tooting my own horn very loudly in this, as well as overly analyzing what is clearly a fun little project that truly does not merit such analysis.... Or perhaps it does. I don't know. Just take my assholeish nature with a grain of salt and we'll get along fine. I always want to see people improve (even though the Silent King knows that my ass-drippings that I pass off as literature could definitely use just as much work).
You obviously put some thought into this, that much is certain, and that in and of itself tells me that you are dedicated. The fact that you went so far as to come up with your own chapter of the Astartes says that much. However, therein lies my first problem, the fact that you pulled a chapter out of thin air. I'm just as guilty of it (using the Angry Marines, Pretty Marines, and Reasonable Marines alongside canon chapters), however, I did that for the sole reason that they would provide interesting contrasting characters with the radically differing mentalities. That and I also wanted to poke a bit of fun at Warhammer 40K Space Marine online play. Seriously, seeing so many custom painted players running around bashing the crap out of orks just screams "fanfiction" to me. If you still wanted to go with the "star" theme, there is a chapter called the Star Dragons. In fact, reading the Lexicanum article gives you a great reason for them to be fighting the Ruinous Powers in the first place.
Anyway, moving on. Next is the actual battle...... What happened? Seriously, this is Warhammer 40K. No conflict should be left completely to the imagination. I'll just leave it that.
Next, your prose. You do an awful lot of telling, but you aren't showing is anything. Rule number one of any form of media, "Show, don't tell". The "spirit core" idea with the Timberwolves is one that, I will admit, lends itself well to the MLP universe. I'd hold on to that one if I were you.
However, the whole fight left so much to be desired. So much tension and drama could have come from that one idea alone, but it was killed because Twilight just flat out told us. Even if Twilight knew of their weakness, it is safe to assume that she would forget about it when she and her friends were freaking ambushed. It's not just there, though, so much of the story can be improved by putting more thought into not what your characters are doing at any given time, but how they are doing it.
Allow me to show you what I mean. Here is a sample taken from chapter three of my current story, only I rewrote it to tell, not show. (I would have found an excerpt from the fight in chapter one, but I couldn't find anything in there that I actually liked. Seriously, the entire chapter sucks so horribly that I am beginning to understand why I have so few followers.
)
And now as it reads in the chapter.
With the second version, we are able to infer why Azerus wants to be unbound because we ourselves know what we would do in similar circumstances. It is this aspect of our own minds that makes the sequence that much more engaging. I would be more than happy to give you some examples of where this could be applied in your own story, but I won't do it here in the comments. That would be simply egotistical and demeaning.
Anyway, besides those, what Shadowhawk and Rambling Puppet said do not need to be repeated by me.
I am a huge fan of crossovers. I don't know why. The ways in which two different worlds can mesh always fascinates me, but then again, I always considered picking peoples brains a hobby of mine. You have good, solid ideas here, and I must admit that I am a bit curious to see what you would do with them.
Now excuse me while I go jump in a lake.
By the way even the smallest warp capable starships are at least 1km and have crews in the thousands. You make it sound like they were flying in a Thunderhawk.
2205842
Yes there may be some problems with descriptions and I'll see what I can do about but I'm not sure if it's going to be better but time will tell as for the fact that I made my own Space Marine Chapter will that was my idea for the story and considering I don't think that there is a complete list of space Marine Chapters that is not that big of a problem and yes they may not act completely according to lore, for that matter there will be some lore that I will either ignore or change in some small way to fit the story.
As for the fight yes it was short and not really difficult, and I can understand your view on Twilight not remembering the facts but I still think she would, but there will be more fighting, after all as you said it is a Warhammer 40K crossover and they should be more interesting as you for the Space Marines not acting as one would think, well that is my choice.
2206060
Yes I know that Starship has that as well as a mutant that guides it through the Warp but that is one of the minor details that I decided to 'over look' for my story, and yes there will probably be many Warhammer 40K fans who will be disappointed/angry with me about it but I have my reasons to fiddle with that lore and will come with an explanation on that in a later chapter, although that is also a break in lore, and it will also explain more about this Space Marine Chapter.
I know this story isn't perfect, and may never be but I still like it.
be careful when you make a warhammer crossover because there are a litteral fuckton of hardcore warhammer fans on this site, so if the information is incorrect the story won't be popular.
and pretty much anything from the warhammer universe would go on a killing spree if they got to equestia.
2206465
Well yes but if any of the fans of Warhammer have any problems well it's their problem if they don't like the way I write the story they can just not read it, that's what I do with stories I don't like.
These guys just dont sound like Space Marines in terms of speech, (as shadowhawk and rambling puppet said.) but what really bothers me is how apparently Tharius couldn't beat Twilight Sparkle, and yet he is a nine foot tall, post human, genetically engineered badass? I don't think that Twilight would be able to take a Space Marine Scout down, let alone a full Battle-Brother. Believe me, I'm a major Warhammer 40K fan myself, (play tabletop) I just don't want to have to see you mess this up.
Ok, just reading the first few lines of text I can say the way they speak is conpletely off for Astartes. I'm only 8 chapters into Horus Rising and I know enough to know Astartes have a very careful and dignified speech patterns and turns of phrases.
I suggest you redo the dialogue between characters to match actual Astartes speech or change your characters to Guardmen as said below.
There's nothing wrong about taking a couple of IG over Astartes.
I'd have more fun reading about 4 guardsmen and their Commissar being transported in Equestria over 5 out of character Astartes.
Oh another thing. You mention Twilight is the only one awake at the time when the Warp Storm opens on their end and Twilight is the only one taking note of it and just a few lines after she's going down to where every pony is gathering? Is everyone asleep or awake? Make up your mind.
No offense intended, I'm nit picking through because I got nothing better to do
2206603
Well as for the problem with how they speak and act is something I must think about as for Tharius not being able to beat Twilight, well.. you are both right and wrong about that not being true because of a few fact in my story.
1. Twilight's basic power lever is at least on per with a Demon Prince, and lore vise I don't think one, or five Space Marines, can beat on on their own, at least not easy, because of then he concluded that he most likely couldn't beat her, hence why you thoughts about it was wrong.
2. Is actually almost the same, her power leave is very high but she know next to no offensive spells and has never learn to really channel her power in an offensive way, or else she could just have pulverized the Timberwolves, which means that in reality she may not be able to beat him, maybe, hence why you are right in you view that Tharius would win.
There will be other reason and things about the Space Marines and the ponies and what is actually going on will be revealed in later chapters, also, and this is most likely going to anger some major fans of Warhammer 40K, I AM going to break some lores to fit with my story, not to talk about the whole 40K universe.
If fans 40K don't like that then they should just not read it, that being said I am not that strong in 40K lore so there are some mistakes that I would need to fix, there just are some that I am not going to change no mater what anyone say...well almost no matter what anyone says.
Ok, third thing, the grammar and syntax errors are baffling it impedes reading. I'm not much a grammar nazi more than I like being able to read without stoping to guess what you meant to write.
I suggest using SpellcheckPlus to screen your texts, helped me greatly for me.
Space Marines are NOT HUMAN. They are Astartes. Astartes are evolved humans. Better in everyway. A space marine that would be called human out of context would not shy away from applying discipline to whoever called him a human for they are Astartes.
Tharius calling himself human is pretty self degrading.
That's it, I'm done with this story unless you're willing to accept help from others since you obviously don't know enough about WH:40K to make a fic on your own. No offense intended. WH:40K is a very tricky and expansive universe of lore and technicalities. It's easy to get lost in it. Take help from the 40K group.
2206971
Ok, Ok don't bite the authors head off!
2207505
Well I know I'm not always very good at writing so I knew the story may not be the best but I actually somewhat expected Warhammer 40K fan to not like the story to much but I'll write anyway I'm sure there will be others like me who likes a good story, even if some of its lore is changed a little and I hope they at least would like it...if the fans of 40K hate it now they will hate it even more when it's over
pretty damn good flow, although the marines seem a bit off
Hmm... I don't know about this one. (No offense is intended with the following comment).
The Space Marines are a little off (When I say little I mean hugely). Space Marines, are nine foot tall, post human, genetically engineered badasses (I don't know how to write the plural for Badass) with Heavy Bolters, vanilla Bolters, Power Swords, and Possible Liberian? And they can't defeat six ponies who don't have the Elements with them, have no offensive magic of any kind, and only a pathetic shield. Sorry, but I call bullshit on that. As much as I like ponies I don't see how they could defeat them. Space Marines live and breath War, and Death, while Ponies live in the land of pretty flowers, and butterflies while farting rainbows. It would be the same as putting a pony in with a T-Rex.
Also I'm dead sure that the weapons would've had more of a kick, Bolters fire grenades yet when a Bolter round impacts in the fight you wrote it seemed to have the same effect as me firing a bullet into a tree stump. Space Marines wouldn't talk to the ponies either they would've purged them then and there, and even one Space Marine would be enough to kill them it would be simple to do, just step on them Space Marines weigh a lot, sure they'd have to get through the shield, but that's easy enough to do too just stomp on it.
Now there are other things that don't match the lore, but I've got better things to do. If you want to make it more along the lines of Warhammer 40k I suggest the wiki, but its entirely up to you. I don't know if I'll favorite it or not, I don't hate but I don't like it either hmm I'll check back later to see where it goes.
In conclusion I don't see this as a Warhammer crossover, It's more like taking the stuff you liked from it and using to make the ponies look better (Or maybe I'm just looking at it wrong), but if these were Chaos Marines that you were writing and they were doing the same thing as the Space Marines, I wouldn't be writing a comment oh no no no no... I'd be crying.
Peace (Here comes the hate).
2210914
Well about the Space Marines seeming ooc, well, only a little in how they act from my point of view, yes normally Space Marines would kill everything not human, although I think there a some who under the right circumstances would, most likely not be friendly but not attack out right if not attack first.
I'll agree if they had come as an invasion force they would have slaughtered every living thing on the planet in the Emperor's name but they crashed, their ship beyond repair and far out side of the Imperium's border and they know nothing about the planet, honestly under those circumstances I can see some Space Marines acting a bit different than normal, and others who''ll do as all expects and begin killing everything in sight before being killed, you and others may disagree and that is your right, it's a shame if you decided that the story is bad because of that but if you don't like it then don't read it and I'll fully understand, but I have decided to write my story as I have decided even if the fans of 40K don't like it others who enjoy a good story may come to like it.
As for Twilight being able to beat a Space Marine, I did explain my reasons for that in a earlier comment and in this universe you are both right and wrong about who would win but I don't really want to repeat it here, so if you want my explanation for it look at one of the earlier comments, but as I said whatever you like the story or not is up to you to decided.
2209086
Yes many have said that but I don't really see a big problem sure they may not go around killing everything in sight immediately, and most 40K fans seems to be angry about that...they are quite bloodthirsty
but a I have said in other comments, if people don't like it don't read it, will just have to see what happens next.
please make more of this great stuff!!! :)
2229574
I will although many don't seem to like it mostly 40K fans
one of the upsides of finding loyalist marines is that they tend to keep their tempers better than chaos ones do....
2482440
Well fans of 40K still want them to immediately kill everything around them. They are going to be somewhat disappointed, even when the action and fighting begins.
2490276 still,I'm glad I chose this fic,it was quite refreshing after all the chaos marine in equestria fics I had been reading
Or just burn the remains.