A nerd, a brony, a college student.
After Tsalguasa, the whole of First Claw, Night Lord Tenth Company is dead right?
what if in the after life they got a job? Offered by Princess Luna?
Will it work out? How do they adjust being away from the grimdark 41st millenium? Will they find love?
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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This is my first fic as a brony. A thousand pardon for any mistake you may find. And if anyone offer to be my beta reader, it would be greatly appreciated.
I must say, this is well writ and has a hilarious premise.
Good on ya.
Also,839468 wat?
oh god first claw in equestria please give me more
Please say you're still writing this
1010017
I am, brother. I am.
So... I like this, and it certainly has personality. Space marine temp service... awesome. I think a little informality in the afterlife can be forgiven; who knows how long some of them have been waiting there, unable to kill or be killed?
However, I think it can be more awesome, so without further ado:
So the story needs some work in the grammar department. The main thing is tense confusion: You started the story in present tense, and then after a few paragraphs switched to past tense, and then back again, repeat a few times. You need to pick a tense, and stick with it. Personally, I think that your past tense was the most readable and worked the best, so if I were you, I'd go with that.
As mentioned by GaryGibbon, there need to be new paragraphs every time someone speaks; "white space" between blocks of text breaks it up, makes it easier to read, and less intimidating to the reader than a wall of text.
A few times you confuse a few phrases, such as "was given" and "was giving".
I'll work up an edit of the first few chapters, and if you like what I come up with you can send me the next few as a beta reader. It'll take a few days, though.
1833720
Thank you so much for your opinion. I am currently working on the next chapter and would very much like your help in beta-ing it. Is there a way I can send you drafts?
I have to echo the problem with tense errors. There are a lot, at least a few in nearly every paragraph. My browser says you use the word "is" 52 times in chapter 2. If your story is in the past tense (and that's probably the better tense for it), the vast majority of those are wrong. Unless a character is using it in dialogue, they should all be "was." The other significant sources of grammar errors were nouns that should have been plural, but weren't.
Once those are fixed, the rest of the story is okay. I don't know anything about these characters (I assume you're borrowing them from a Black Library source), but I would suggest spending a little more time making them a little more distinct, a little more memorable. I feel like if you lined them up, I wouldn't be able to remember which is which. A trap I see you fall into is a compulsion to toss out a full physical description of every character and extra as soon as they appear. Just give me the relevant features when they come up. In my own story, it's not even relevant to mention the protagonist's cutie mark until the seventeenth chapter. So you can take it easy on the details for some of them, and let the readers fill in the blanks themselves.
I'm also feeling like the plot is missing some momentum. Right now, I'd be hard pressed to tell you what the main conflict of the story is right now. There's hints of conflicts to come, but none of them feel very immediate just yet. I feel like all this set-up and shipping business is going on while we wait for the real story to begin. A note on the shipping itself that I give to nearly everyone I see trying it: don't just do it for its own sake. Every sentence in a story should build characterization, reveal setting or backstory, or advance the plot forward. Romance should be no different. Think about it.
Poor Flutters! I'm wondering just how a hardened Space Marine would respond to waking up in Fluttershy's bed with her fussing over him?
Seems like a comedy fic, I will continue to read this.