This story is a sequel to Judgment of Carrion
Twilight is marching... It's only two thousand nine hundred eighty-six steps...
Flankfurt. A small city in the far north of the Equestria. Beautiful landscapes, marvelous coastline, almost four hundred years the of history; the town is a true gem of the Northern Reaches, attracting tourists from all across the Kingdom. A city with a long and glorious history, a city with a...
Leprosy epidemic.
Leprosy is a disease, one which modern Equestrian Medicine can do nothing about. Dozens of the Flankfurt’s citizens have fallen to the painful and terrible illness. When Twilight Sparkle hears of this disease and the havoc it is wreaking on the town, she immediately sets off on a journey to prevent the spread of Leprosy before it can destroy Equestria. However, as Twilight fights against the plague, she uncovers something much more sinister lurking in the snow-filled streets of Flankfurt.
Based on Polish Book : "2586 Steps" by Andrzej Pilipiuk. No knowledge of source material is necessary.
Co-written with Spike the Scribe
Did I really need to get 124 notifications of this story?
Dammit, FimFic, what are you doin'?
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Don't ask me! My finest data gathered about a few seconds ago says that you should received at max 7 notifications.
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English is not my native language, so proof-reading it several times isn't giving much results. As for "others" proofreaders they are kinda busy at the moment ( or forever ).
2153699
Thanks men, I appreciate that.
Oh man, dat last line. Not some magical disease nor any kind of plague created by super-science. Something very mundane, but so old it's biblical. You have captured my attention.
For Glorious Equestria brought me here, and I’m actually thankful it did
The story looks promising, and the fact that it’s based off of one of Pilipiuk’s works is just an added bonus. I could mention those few errors I’ve picked up while reading, but others did that before me, and they’re not that big to begin with, and are quite typical for us, Poles
All that I can say is that I’mma keep an eye on this one.
This Chapter has suprisingly better grammatic than first one, because it was proof-reader by Dan ( arandompenguin ). A big thanks to him for making such awesome stuff.
Still working on correcting the prologue though, but it can still be a bit weaker, I think.
OK, first off –I’m happy to see this fic updated. I might have just stumbled upon it a couple of days ago, but I was already looking forwards to its imminent update.
Now, to the less pleasant part of my review: the style of your writing. Don’t get me wrong, the style itself is good and all, but it does gave off the feeling that it was written by someone not that well versed with the English language. It feels… artificial at times. Now I’m no expert at this type of thing, I’ve never even worked as a proof-reader or anything before, but I’m offering you my humble service. I really want to see this piece of work succeeding. If you’re interested, send me a PM or something and we can figure out some kind of arrangement.
2240376
First of all, thanks for a feedback and attention. I really appreciate that, it just treats the author soul when he see one.
Okay, first of all, I'm actually kind of suprised with entire situation. Chapter 1 actually was... almost 100% directly translated from the source book ( 2586 Steps by Andrzej Pilipiuk ) from Polish to English. First off, I made a quick translation, then I was proof-reading stuff and finally Dan proof-readed it once more. If you would read original, you would be suprised because they are incredibly similar.
But, I think that you are right in terms of "artificiality". No matter how much effort I would put in this stuff, translation is a translation, source work will be always the best.
If you are interested in pre-reading and proof-reading my story, I will send you in PM links to the google.docs. Thank you very much for that.
Flankfurt is right next to Plotsdam
I like this story but you have an acute case of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome. It needs to be treated immediately.
2240654
And as for the 100% translating approach –that won’t work, not with Polish nor any other Slavic language. As I said, it does fell artificial, but what I’m actually referring as the things I can help with are things like missing a ‘the’ before certain words, awkward sentence build and/or unnecessarily complicated wordings. For example, you used the term ‘quadrangle’ to describe what essentially could be called a square. Also some gender swapping here and there (I was actually looking at a certain part in the last chapter where Twi suddenly became a stallion for a good few minutes 
) and other tidbits that while they might not be that important, they are an eyesore, at least for me 
No problem, I’ll be glad to help.
Aha, i jeszcze coś. Polskie i polsko (albo raczej słowiańsko) brzmiące nazwiska podlegają nieznacznym zmianom w procesie tłumaczenia na Angielski. Radziłbym zapisywać Dostojewskiego używając „y” zamiast „i” i „j”, tj. Dostoyewsky zamiast Dostojewski. Taka mała rada
Friendly reminder :
For the love of Celestia, do not enter "Leprosy" in the Google Graphics. Seriously guys, don't do this.
alley*
2254954
Corrected, thank you very much for a help
Ugh hate Leprosy
By the way, the description of Leprosy from The Diseases of Our World is slightly changed version of wikipedia one. Here is the link for original : *Click!*
Yes, Hansen is based on real character. *Click!*
I said it already, but I highly discourage you to check what Leprosy is on Google Graphics. Seriously guys, don't do this. My reaction was close to this :
Am I the only one that was annoyed by FIMfic’s cash? No? Good, I was beginning to think I’m strange like that.
There’s a little typo in the fic I noticed after cross-referencing with scholar Google. Coltcuta should be written in fact Coltcutta, the double ‘t’ the way the original Calcutta is written in English. Aside from that I didn’t notice anything significantly off.
Okay, first off, i'm not a professional, but i like writing and helping other people.
Storyline wise, it's really good. i felt the tension immediately, so great job at that. the 2986 steps thing is still a little unclear but i feel that if i read more than i would understand.
Maybe describe Primrose a little. give her a back story and have some cute moments. i know that's hard with how suddenly you make ponies see what she had. but a bit of a back story would make the reader grow more attached to Primrose thous the shock that she has lepra will be much bigger.
I'm not too good on the memory thing. if you wanted me to look at the grammar, i would have to take it to a word document.
I can promise that my grammar is not as bad as this. it's bad but when i put all of my focus i see things that i wouldn't have otherwise. up to you, but it's really good. something i've learned is that it's not the grammar that sells the story. it's the story itself and sometimes, if you want to portray the character right, than you might have to say "screw you grammar" and do it your own way.
tell me if you want me to take the chapter apart in a word doc and give it back
Thanks
This review brought to you by the group, Authors Helping Authors.
Fic: 2986 Steps
Grammar: 6, but considering English isn't your first language, this is dang impressive. I know a little German, and there's no way I could transcribe a fic in that language.
Pros: Disease in Equestria isn't a theme we see often, so the whole concept is refreshing.
Your emotional portrayal of the doctor in the prologue was spot on. Even though I know nothing of the source material, I could still feel the amount of emotion played into this portion.
There are subtle things throughout (such as using alchohol to keep warm) that show your fine attention to detail that make the fic a joy to read.
Cons: I'm not familiar with the source material, so that sort of cuts down on how much I can truly enjoy the story. However, this is more of a personal con and nothing against the actual story.
Even for the reasons Celestia mentioned in the letter and (for all I know) the necessity of Twilight to go alone due to the crossover nature of the story, I still didn't like that she was going alone. It would've been better if even only two or three had come along, but for Twilight to leave them all behind seems odd of her and Celestia. I mean, it is stressed several times that the liklihood of infection is minimal.
Although it's a little too early to call, I hope Primrose isn't a one-off character used to introduce the doctor and the premise. You did too nice a job developing her emotional state as a filly infected for that to be the case.
Notes: As a person who has seen pictures of leprosy before (don't ask why or where), I am incredibly impressed by your ability to not only describe the physical trauma of the infected, but also of the emotional trauma inflicted upon them and those that try to care for them. I really think that that is the most horrible part of any disease, and if what you've written so far is any indication, you understand and will impart it into this story.
Again, thaks for you review of both Who Is Daring Do? and Marks of Harmony.
Cheers!
Inky
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I don't really get grossed out, but in any case.
... I feel sorry for you, having to see that.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors.
Name of Story: 2986 Steps
Grammar Score: 8.5 out of 10
Pros: Every emotion evoked is appropriate.
The canon characters seem accurately written so far.
Genuinely dark story.
Cons: Hit me right in the feels without warning.
Walls of text appear on occasion.
The dialogue is a bit awkward at points.
Notes: This story is well-written from the perspective of being dark, which is most certainly intended. I noticed the dialogue is awkward at points, though I couldn't be specific, unfortunately. Also, there are some walls of text, which you might want to look at.
I hope this helps you, and please check out my story when you get the chance: Unintended Consequences
Noticed a few errors that kinda went unnoticed during prereading. I'll point them out for ya
Ya know, this one 'realized' is completely unnececary
'Dissolved'
unnececary
Aside from all that, it's good to see this posted. I was wondering when you'd be publishing this.
2314013
TECS thingy was slowing me down a bit, but I got a permission from Dan, so the next chapter will be published tomorrow. I will correct it right now.
This review brought to you by Authors Helping Authors
2986 Steps
Grammar Score: 7 (There are a few things that do need some attention in each chapter with grammar. If you need to know exactly what I can make a list for you.)
Pros: The leprosy epidemic idea really seems good and original to me; and you are very good at describing the condition of sick ponies~
Cons: You use some of the same descriptive words over and over. Like, instead of Twilight, you say "lavender pony". That's good and all, but you shouldn't use it as often as just saying her name. You get what I'm saying?
Overall I enjoy the story and I'll be waiting for you to post new chapters. Please review my story Cloudwalker Chronicles
I'm gonna review this a bit later when I have more time.
2303304
Well, thanks for review! I hope that my return review was good enough for that.
2315658
Thanks! However, one thing. If you are giving a review according to the rules of Authors Helping Authors you need to list at least 3 pros and 3 cons of the story. It's not a problem for me, but remember if you will make a review next time, because some guys can be nitpicking at that.
I already started reading your story, expect the return review soon.
2271669
A big thanks, your points really make sense. I guess that in the next chapters I will try to improve the stuff. As for Primrose, I can't say if she will play any major role, but I will mention her several times.
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It's always good to hear some opinions! Some of your points make sense. I can say already that probably I'm going to expand the role of Primrose a bit.
---
Talkin' about next Chapter. I think it will appear this Friday, but I'm not sure, because I submitted it to Equestria Daily a two and half week ago, so their response could change plan a bit.
Stay Awesome
Verlax
Onca again, I come to you with slight corrections to the chapter. Seriously, I'm beginning to think that I'm not doing my job porperly, though that may just be real life taking its toll on my mental capabilities.
I feel there should be a 'place' after 'out of'
Derped the capitalization there
Sweeter
Either 'But the worst part' or 'The worst part'
I feel it would sound better if it would be 'find lots of friends' instead
Seriously, 'the' needs to be put before 'microscope' here. As it is right now it sounds kinda... odd
the
Aside from those there isn't much to correct. I'll try to step up my game with the next chap. I have a few slower days ahead of me, so I'll get to work then (should be ready by Thursday)
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All the things corrected! Thanks a lot.
So the Dostoyevsky guy is using Latin words right?
Also, sorry for not giving three pro's and three con's in my review
.
It's been a while since I've given a review~
2321503
Confirmativum.
No problem at all. Just remember it when you will make next.
I just started reading, but I have to say it's very engaging. There is a very Slavic feel to it, one that I've noticed in other translated short stories- mournful, sad, and almost stoic. It works very well for the subject matter
I normally don't read this genre of fiction, but (and since I've read only the first two chapters, and you said the first was close to a direct translation) I have a feeling of almost a duty to finish it.
The second chapter does flow better, and it is just as engaging as the first, though in a slightly different way. Thank you for working to bring this over to us. Thumbs up, favved.
Once again I come with a handful of corrections that apparently skipped our purge. Nothing serious this time, but I feel this should be corrected.
she
It's unnececary
Twilight's
somehow
'as' and 'mask'
masks
a
hoof
of the ponies
a
Apart from that, the chap looks great. Also as a side note -you got my PM?
As always, a list of things we overlooked the last time:
unnecessary
salad
I admit, I've derped that one
Should be yesterday
with a theory
unnececary
Hope that helps
Well, since you reviewed my story, I will now have to review yours. Side note, I only read up to chapter two, and I am planning to stop there, unless of course there is a rule telling me to read all of it.
Name of Story: You tell me, your the one who wrote it
Grammar score out of 10: 7
Pros:
Well the story is dark, I give it that.
I feel sorry for the characters
The reaction when a pony gets leprosy is outright laughable, since we know that know one would ever do that if they found out.
Cons:
We have no idea what this is a crossover with, you could of just had this story as dark and it would be the same.
Celestia would never send Twilight there, but she would send her doctors, since she doesn't want her student to get the disease.
It was boring, I could not get invested.
Since I am not a reviewer, (As you could tell just by looking at my review) I can't say what you can do to improve.
See yeah.
PS. I might stop favouriting this story in the near future.
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As for Authors Helping Authors rules. There are two "not-written-rules". First one :
"You have at least week to review story. At least."
Second One :
"You should read that much, so you can give a good, honest opinion.
And well, you failed at it.
I almost died at this
, because this flaw is perfectly explained in the next Chapter. It wasn't called "The Reason", just for fun. I suggest you to read that one.
Best thing, it's not cross-over. It's just the adaptation, but no knowledge of the source material is necessary... in that case, I feel kinda strange about your point. It's like, oh well, the story have Cross-Over tag, so I will say it's confusing because I don't know that one. It's a trap, because there is no source material. Actually it is, but not in English. So no source material.
I can understand the point of story actually being a bit boring ( I still feel kinda strange about the Prologue ), I suggest you to give it a chance, however. From Chapter 3 the things start getting really awesome ( or rather, depressing ).
Stay Awesome
Verlax
Hey there!
Actually, I want to ask the question. Could you give me some opinions about my story? As the Author, I have a problem with marking it by myself. You know, without opinions I kinda don't know if I'm making the stuff right or not.
Also, Angry Muffins made awesome art for the story. In addition, I'm considering giving this story [Gore] Tag, because... well. Just look at this :
img194.imageshack.us/img194/6522/nowycoverart.png
Stay Awesome
Verlax
You know man, not to be rude or anything, but this isn't the revamped version I helped with. I remember clearly making some adjustements to this chapter, adjustements I can't seem to find here. Be a dear and edit this chap so that it's up to par again, check the google doc with it, hm...
Oh, and by tha way -you asked for a honest opinion, but I can't give you one, for obvious reasons.
2379686
Yea, it was epic fail.
This version is actually correct. Uff.
2379705 Ekhm....
Do I really need to tell you what to do with this?
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Okay...
I think I have some serious kind of sclerosis. Seriously.
To readers :
You didn't see any of it, right? There wasn't anything odd at all! ( weak smile ).
'
So, first chapter. The premise is good but your writing feels... Heavy in my opinion, as if I have to force the words. It is mostly due things like this:
"Suddenly, She was jolted back to attention as she heard a unique sound."
"Suddenly" is a horrible way to start a sentence in my opinion, it disrupts the word flow and does not add anything when used like this. "Unique sound" as in a piece of chalk hitting the floor? Is that really such a special sound?
I would personally have written the sentence like this: "She jolted at the sudden sound of chalk hitting the floor, pulling her attention back to the classroom." It flows much easier and does not have the unnecessary suspense of "What sound?". If you are planing to tell us in the next sentence anyway, then what is the point with the suspense?
I would also have liked to see more character building in the opening chapter. Who is Primrose? Why should I even care about her being sick? I get the fleeing she just passively "goes with it", not really caring what is happening around her.
Continuing the trend from your first chapter, the story and setup is what keeps me going but your writing is really hard for me to process. This chapter is also suffering from a severe case of Lavender Unicorn Syndrome.
You are using too much punctuation. Like this. It makes your story feel jerky. I also think it makes it annoying to read. You need to get better at weaving sentences together.
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Well, thanks!
I need to agree with you, that all the thing with Primrose isn't something I could be proud off. I'm centairly sure, that Prologue was the worst Chapter I wrote for this story, and it's kinda back thing, to have the worst chapter as the first one. Yea.
Still, I'm a bit suprised with your 'punctuation' point. Honestly saying, I prefer stories with a huge amount of short sentences, instead of long one's. Also, the short sentences ( in my opinion ) are helping in punctuating which part of the paragraphs are the most important. For example, Andrzej Pilipiuk ( famous polish writer ) tends to write incredibly short sentences, packed in long paragraphs. I still don't know how, but it works.
I need however agree with the point of "starting with the wrong word" thingy. Yea, that's a really good point, and you are first one to point it out. Thank you very much.
Thank you Again and Stay Awesome
Verlax
I had my doubts about this story when I read the description but those doubts were blown away in the first two chapters of the story. I think that Primrose could be a really great asset to the story but that's up to you . Also, you set the mood perfectly almost from the beginning with Primrose at the school house. All in all, this is a great story that has a lot of potential and I can barely wait for the next chapter.
Ok, this is the first time I've done a review per se, but here's what I think of the prologue:
The grammar is good, I don't think I spotted any errors as I went through (though I was more looking at how engaging the story was so there may be one or two I missed). The paragraphing is excellent, it makes the story nice and easy to follow. The only small problem I have with it so far is that things seem to be moving very quickly in this chapter, almost too quickly in my opinion. However, this may be intentional, I don't know. If not, I must admit that I did this in my fic too, as I wanted to get to the point as quickly as possible, so that may be the case here. Not going to pass it off as bad due to this however, it's still great! Will let you know what i think of the next few chapters.
This story has been reviewed by The Equestrian Critics Society
Story Title: 2986 Steps
Author: Verlax
Reviewed by: Sirius_Face
Leprosy. The name alone strikes a sense of horror at the history of this disease. To see it brought into the world of colorful ponies is an enticing idea that hints at being grim and dark and maybe even hopeless. It presents a challenge that seems impossible to overcome, even for Twilight Sparkle and all her knowledge. While these elements do appear in this story, 2986 Steps suffers from stiff dialogue, a near complete lack of imagery, and dire need of a couple of proofreaders and an editor. The strong premise of this story is hindered by weak presentation and delivery of events, making 2986 Steps a dull gem that needs to be polished and cut to bring out its value.
Full Review
Score: 4.5/10
2509635
Well, I knew in full that this story wasn't a masterpiece, still I'm suprised by the verdict. However, I want to thank you so much for bringing so big amount of feedback and things to correct.
I had to agree, that the Prologue and first Chapters are the worst one's and I guess I could write more details about the weather and lepers. You are not obligated to do this, but there are some things that you actually liked in this story?
Well, I will try to correct this story using your review and the others comments. Again, thank you very much for this review and Stay Awesome.
Verlax
2511977
I had a in-depth discussion about this story with another critic, and we both went back and forth about our opinions of this story. Points were made that made me reconsider some aspects of this story. What I found myself enjoying was the overall premise. I was able to read this whole thing in a day, take notes, and go back and reread certain scenes to see what I missed or what was unclear. The main idea of this story is something you should complete, because it is worth finishing.
Ultimately this story didn't do enough to keep me engaged, and I wanted to be engaged with this story. All the characters start off really distant from the sick ponies and this was an issue I fought with, because I can understand that they, the characters, can feel that way, but the narrator shouldn't. The reader shouldn't be expected to be as distant as the characters because unlike them, the reader hasn't engaged in this tragedy as much as they have. That made me look at Twilight then and wonder about her motivation and how easy (too easy I believe) it was for her to let things go, such as the requests from the sick ponies. Also, as you state, the prologue is weak and really hinders this story - it creates a big, potentially emotional setup, that suddenly stops and goes nowhere.
Still, this story has a mystery that I hope you finish writing. I hope you'll go back and edit this a little more, because as I said in my review, this is a gem. This story has value. It just needs to be shaped a little better, and polished.
ya know man, I probably should have mentioned it earlier, but I've added a few changes to the chapter from our last session and, to be completely honest, I've completely forgotten about them and didn't mention them
If it's not that big of an issue could you perhaps look at it and update this chapter with the content I've added?