I am writing this under an appreciable mental strain, for as of this night, I shall be no more...
In tribute to H. P. Lovecraft
Co-written by Spike the Scribe
Proof-readed by The11thWonder
Chapters (1)
- Member Since 19th Nov, 2012
- offline last seen Nov 17th, 2015
Verlax
Verlax, polish brony, admin of The Polish Writers Society, author of several fics, big fan of Warhammer 40.000, H.P Lovecraft writing and of course My Little Pony.
Verlax
Joined 19th Nov, 2012 ·
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- Verlax · 13k words · 30 1 · 1.1k views
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Więc tak: sprawdziłem jak to wygląda i ogólnie rzecz biorąc jest nieźle. Znalazłem jednak parę błędów które powinieneś poprawić. Z takich większych, to powinieneś rozdzielić akapity po fragmencie o "...there were no stars." Zlało się to i kłuje w oczy. Drugą rzeczą jest sprawdzenie jak dokładnie wyglądają fragmenty przekreślone w dokumencie; odniosłem wrażenie, że w co najmniej jednym miejscu przekreśliłeś za dużo tekstu, bodajże kawałek fragmentu z Luną chcącą być przytuloną przez siostrę.Jest jeszcze coś: fragment o nieśmiertelności. Dodałem do niego odrobinę (znów dokument), więc sprawdź co i jak i dodaj. Sprawdź też tekst pod kątem odpowiednio dobranych słów, po przyjrzeniu się oryginałowi zauważyłem kilka błędów i skorygowałem je w dokumencie, ale za choinę ich nie znajdę na tej wersji.Ok, now that I see you did what I asked I can safely say it' good to go, at least in my opinion.
Oh, and have a like and a fave; it is after all as if I gave one myself now, isn't it
Like from me. It's translating time! (yeah, I see the irony)
First, some grammatical mistakes:
1. "I watch the sun slowly traverse the celestial spheres.." I believe spheres should by singular, might be wrong. (Not a big deal)
2. "Such great is my confusion in these final of moments, that I cannot make a decision as simple as that." Sounds weird, I think it should be "..these most final of moments.."
3. "We are after all the one, that speakest in the most strict of manners." Comma doesn't seem to fit here.
4. "Never before have you witness me sullying my royal lips.." Witness should be Witnessed.
5. "There are times that I think my own figure of speech was one of the reasons.." Figure of speech: the use of a word or a phrase, which transcends its literal interpretation. Not sure you meant to use that. Perhaps "manor of speaking" or something along those lines?
6. "After a week of this situation repeating every single night I began to feel unease." Not sure if needed, but I think 'unease' should be 'uneasy'.
Didn't notice much else in the rest of the story.
Overall:
I feel this was a great story. I loved the descent you could feel through the scribbles (strike-throughs) constantly having to erase the products of the mental tangents Luna kept falling into. Not sure if it was intended or not, but the odd symbols (off to me) also helped in this aspect, they were strange and unknown to me, which personally helped me feel in the state of panic and unease taking over her mind.
This is an amazing take on the subject of Luna's Descent into Nightmare Moon, and it made me happy for reading it. This story shows great talent, and for that, you earn my Favorite, Thumbs Up, and Follow.
If Lovecraft himself wrote a pony fic, it would look a lot like this. Great job, and great job capturing his style. As a Lovecraft enthusiast, I can clearly see the inspiration and feel this a very worthy tribute.