Cloudwalker Kingdom--A snowy far-away land inhabited by a breed of pony called Cloudwalkers. A kingdom whose king is preparing for war against Equestria, and willing to risk everything to win. For years this king has been abducting Equestria's inhabitants and forcing them to join his army, eventually brain washing them to believe in his cause. Copper Head and Spot are two such ponies, taken from their homes by monstrous wolves, but do they have what it takes to survive the king's tests? Alongside the cloudwalkers Shadowstorm and Grand Prix as well as the mysterious alicorn Kindle, Copper Head and Spot might stand a chance, and be able to save the two kingdoms from all out war.
Chapters (16)
I don't necessarily approve of the color schemes but holy fuck that anatomy is... creative, I guess. Nevertheless it seems like a rather interesting arrangement of the wings...
Lemme reiterate that. I like the idea, but it's really friggen weird to me.
Liking it so far. Keep it up
1864878 Haha it's cool. The wings aren't the only thing that makes them different, but you'll have to wait to find out what~ Also, I kinda modeled them after that Hermes guy with his foot wings :3
This review brought to you by the group Authors Helping Authors.
Fic Name: Cloudwalker Chronicles
Grammar Score: 8
Pros: The worldbuilding is very nicely done. It's quick enough to set up the entirety of the story or arc, but doesn't bog down the story with loads of detail.
Description of both things, scenes, action, and characters is top notch.
The flow of action is the best you could hope for.
Cons: There are a few areas where the tense changes away from past.
The formatting needs to be addressed. While I got used to the odd line spacing and line cut offs in the middle of a sentence, it might turn some people off.
Notes: This is a really great story and I'm shocked it doesn't have more likes. You really are crafting this tale well, and I'm already sucked into the way the story flows as well as the different characters you've created. Keep up with the quality work, you've earned a like and fav from me!
Please review my story Marks of Harmony when you get a chance. You don't have to review it all at once, since the fic is really long.
1903342
Thx so much! Do you have any tips on how to fix the formatting? I copied it from a word program where it looked normal, but got all messed up here.
1903440
Yeah, you should be able to just go into your story, click on each chapter, and at the top there should be an edit button. From there, you should be able to make the changes. Do you mind telling me what the program was?
1903468 OpenOffice 3.4
1903836
Hmm, it sounds vaguely familiar, but I'm certain I've never used it. If you would permit me, my opinion on how to repair the formatting: Take your work and paste it into a Gdoc. Repair the formatting there, then use the chapter edit to delete what you have posted, after which you can then copy-paste the reparied version from the Gdoc. (Don't use the Gdoc importer, it screws with you)
1903859
lol ok. Thanks!
I Doomande do hereby plan to bring thou one review on the way of the group known as Authors Helping Authors.
I know that the group normally makes feedback on a whole story, but why do that when you can give chapter to chapter feedback? If you rather would like the feedback to be overall can you just say the word, your story is short enough to read it all in one go after all.
I will begin to make my review when I know what kind you like, either chapter to chapter or overall.
Have a good day
1933027 Oh thx! Chapter by chapter would be fine. I completely rewrote one of them twice so I'd like to see how that turned out.
1933880
Chapter to chapter is it going to be. Expect me to have something for you in 20 hours or so. Have a good day until then
1933887 ok thank you~
Faved but will read and review it tomorrow, I need sleep.
So here it is as promised, the first of 2 chapter reviews.
I like the Chinese/Asian fell there is to your creation story, there is just something with creation stories like that there is interesting. But the thing I think first on when I read it is that it more sound like an alternative universe instead of that from the show, but can´t see that you have put your story in that category, maybe something you want to do before someone begins to rant over the story and how this can´t be in the show. But this is just my take on it.
But when that is said do I know that the next part is going to be a sour pill to swallow. One thing to remember is that even though it looks like I don´t like the story at some points actually found it rather intriguing, and is something that I am going to follow even after I have read the next chapter. There is just things that could be better, nothing really surprising now that you are new to writing things like this, so don´t look at it as attacks, but pointing out things that could make the story even better.
It is a little sad that it all felt compressed. Sure you showed the world and told us a story, but with next to no details. We do not know how Neigh Jing looks like, or almost anything for that matter. I would not be able to tell you what Spot or Fire Petal looked like right now. You do not need to try to give so much info so fast, give you self all the time you want, there is no pressure, and only yourself that make deadlines and say when it need to be done. I know that it is hard to do stuff like that when you are knew to it all, but think on the heavy details there is in the Asian lore that you borrow from, maybe reading some old tales and think on how things is descried would be helpful for you. Or at least as a writing exercise try to write a setting, no ponies or anything that happens, just a setting, either from the show or something that you will use at a later point in your story. Something that I also want to address here is your dialogue. It is not near the worst I have seen, but there is still a lot of room to improve on it. Again do I think that it have something to do with wanting to show to much in to little time.
So 2 good advises to get over those problems:
Don´t be in such a hurry as you are here, because I can see when you slow down and explains stuff about the lore behind this is your story good, but when we read about the ponies are it like you just want to get over with it and get to the next piece of lore. We are gonna make it no matter your pace.
And do a lot of writing exercises. There is no better way to learn what to do and not to do than do stuff and look back at what there went wrong, and what there was right. Thy maybe to write small snippets of things with no meaning to this story, or if you want to add something more, some small interludes with the characters where nothing really big happens, like they are sitting down and talking over some cupcakes, or going to the spa together, because I really think that some slow paced things where nothing really have to be said would be some good training for you.
I know that this is not going to be good to read, but remember that I point this out because I want to help, not because I want to take the courage or lust to write from you. But the scene with "Myobu" was rather bad. He did not talk like a god, I did actually more think on him like an older grandfather with the way he talked and acted, and I know that gods can be humble and found in all forms and sizes. Remember when you write about gods are you writing about creatures that means more than all the others, think on how the mane 6 acts around Celestia, sure Twilight are a tad relaxed, but you are not at any point in doubt that Celestia is powerful and special, while "Myobu" as I said sounded like and old happy grandfather that is going to give us ice cream. I have no real advise to how you could solve this, beside that instead of "Myobu" asking Spot if she want to help him, he demands it instead, as payment for the damage that Fire Petal did. And I think that you forgot a scene or something also here, because we goes from fiery columns of death, to a sisterly hug with no transaction beside a friendly ice wolf that pops out of no where.
And here is the section where I point out smaller things that slipped though your fingers when you wrote this. Although it looks like much are this nothing really, because I do not think that you have a pre-reader/editor to help you right now. Most of these are really small things, things that most would ignore if they had not learned to look after them, I have been a pre-reader for about 4 month now, so that is why I even see them. So a good advise to get rid of small things like these would be to get a pre-reader yourself, extra eyes have never hurt anyone after all
Nitpicks:
Remember to make a space after your triple period, of which name I can never remember.
"but everything seemed so...." You have 4 periods here
"Just give her some time." You forgot a space after your period here
" It's the biggest building in all of Neigh Jing" So far I can see would you get a better sentence if you swapped the period before this with a comma, and erased it´s. So it is "...the academy, the biggest building..."
"which give the academy its name" I think you want a past tense gave here.
"wearing a cloak so that no one would notice her" You notice most ponies in cloaks if they ain´t the norm, maybe use recognize here instead
"she was literally jumping for joy" I think that you mean "with" and not for here.
"The gold ," Your space are on the wrong side of the comma here.
“It's great to have you talking to me again...." You have a period to many here.
" A fireball brushed past Spot's head, singeing part of her mane" I can´t remember the rules for 's and names, but I don´t think that you need the ' here. Can´t explain, but my brain tells me that it is wrong
"It makes me furious!" I would erase this part, first of all is it rather clear that she is angry, she are trying to kill her sister after all. And stating feelings like this is not a good sign in literature, it is often seen as bad writing.
"hoping to lose her sister." You forgot a space after the period
"But now you are weaker than me." I would reword this to something like "But now are you the weak one dear sister". It is classical I know, but there is also a reason for that
"she could feel cold" I would reword this to "could she feel something cold"
"All she could do is cry" This is in past tense, so was instead of is.
1936671 Alright, thanks for the advice!~ I would like to say a few things in my defense though.
The creation story at the beginning doesn't have to fit in with the canon, because it's just a story. Just like with creation stories in the real world, many of them will contradict each other like Ancient Egypt's and Japan's or Ancient Greece's, etc.
I'm glad you put "Myobu" because that indicates that I have the desired effect :3
I never thought about having Spot act different around Myobu, so thanks for mentioning that.
I always had a feeling I wrote too fast so thanks for the tips~ I just gotta find a way to actually do it. q-q
1936738
Ahh okay. I did just think that you used the creation story as real lore, instead of folklore, that explains it then.
There is just so many that want to form their own worlds on this site, so it is rare to see people with no plans on changing stuff when we get a story like that. And there is no need to make any defences, as I said, I do not attack, I point just things out, or ask questions. So sorry if you felt that it was an attack
1936774 No, I understand. You have to find out what's wrong before you can fix it.
The last review from me this time.
First of all so that is out of the way... GASP
! I have a cameo in this story! Without even giving a review first? I do just hope that your dragon Doom is a kind of shadow dragon or ice, either works fine for me and my favourite elements after all... Yes they ain´t natural elements, but we are also talking fantasy here!
Ahem... And back to the review. I must say that I am positive surprised by this, not only was the pacing good, the talk flowed natural and you had details, but there was almost no nitpicks compared to the last chapter, and this is shorter to the last one. I do not know what there happened between now and then, but it is for the better none the less. It is good to see that you both can get some comic (those evil evil butterflies and how they make tornadoes!) and even some suspense with the ghost eater, nice to see that you can shift between themes like that in such a short time
The only thing I can point at that I would say could be better is that you use this as an prologue, normally do you only have one of those to a story after all, and I think that you maybe could get a better flow if you took these 2 chapters and made them to interludes, told some of the back story after we have meet the characters. Both because you could use a stronger hook to catch the reader in the first 500 words they read (the most important words in any story because they are the point where most lay stories from they if they ain´t hooked), and because we don´t really learn the characters we see, or we do not learn how they act as characters, but more their back stories, and sometimes are it better to just jump right into it, and explain some of the finer details later on. I am sure that you have read a book, or seen a serie in the TV that have used this trick.
Don´t have so much more to say, your worldbuilding skills are yet again top nutch, and it was nice to hear some details this time so I could see it for my inner eye, but I did not learn much about Copper Head so I can comment about him. Oh last thing before nitpicks. I found it rather weird that you wrote the full name of the characters each time, and not either their first or last name. Normally do you only write the full name until you think that the reader can remember it, and there after just one of them. Just like in the show where Pinkie are called Pinkie instead of Pinkie Pie all the time. But this is as you self said a prologue, so maybe something to remember in the future
Nitpicks:
"the captive pony could feel the air reenter his lungs" You need a - in re-enter
"It looked like the ponies body was crisscrossed with veins of silver." You forgot a space after the period
"a silver star" The a should be capitalized here. That is the rules of using :
"High Noon opened the door revealing a much bigger and more complex room than could be physically possible." There is no need for your could be here, so you could erase that part, and maybe switch the than out with a was
"your physical body is probably sleeping in bed" I think that you are missing an a between in and bed.
This overall review is brought to you by Doomande, member of the group Authors Helping Authors.
Fic Name: Cloudwalker Chronicles
Grammar Score: I am not going to tough this, because it was so different between the 2 chapters. But I will say that there is still room for improvement, especially with missing spaces
Pros:
The worldbuilding was top notch. It is not hard to see that you lay heart and soul in making your world, and that you already knows what it look like and have used a lot of time on it.
General improvement. I think that I saw here one of the biggest leap in quality between chapters, while the first was read to the end help out with feedback was the other read to the end because of quality, so if you keep it that way are only the sky the limit. But remember, train train train, nothing comes easy later on
Cons:
There is a loot of rookie mistakes, something that will turn some readers away from this. But this can easily be fixed with a extra pair of eyes of a pre-reader, either a more experienced one, or just a friendly user in here. The mistakes are small, but there is many of them.
Next to no hook. While the second chapter was something I would call good do you really really have to work on the first one, or even lay a whole new plan on how you write this, I gave a advise in the review of chapter 2 to what you could do. Normally would I not have read chapter 2, something that is sad because it is so many times better. And a good story need a good first 500 words.
The chapters was to short. I know that it was prologues and they are meant to be short, but it is really hard to tell a proper story in most cases with less than 3K words, something that also could be felt here, especially at the ends where I thought "was that it?". I know that some can pull it of to make so small chapters that you do, but it is easier to put a whole chapter arc in something close to 3K words, instead of 2K. I know that it is a weird thing to say, but I really think that you would be a better writer if you tried to add some more words to what you had.
Notes:
While all this is said and done do I really think that you have an good story in you. You do just need some more training and experience. This is a good start, so I do just hope that your spirit burns bright and you are going to learn as you write on. And if it all fails then remember that you at least have more experience and know what you should avoid in the future. And be ready to know that you make mistakes, all make mistakes with their first tries, so nothing wrong with that.
And here at the end do we come to the more icky part. I have no story of my own, so it would be hard for you to review something that I have made. But I would like if you gave "my" review to the first 2 chapters of Fallout Equestria: Ouroboros , I know that the whole story is rather long, so do not expect more than that back from you, unless you get hooked that is, it could happen
1938961 The difference between this one and the last was that I rewrote this one twice, so I did spend a bit more time on it hehe. Thanks a lot for the advice! I'll be sure to add some more details as well :3
Hello! This review is brought by Authors Helping Authors.
Story: Cloudwalkers Chronicles
Grammar Score: 7
Pros: You put heart into the worlds you write
Interesting OC
Good descriptions
Cons: Grammar could use some cleaning up.
Notes: Definitely a interesting story. It depend on how well the coming chapters are written but I can see myself being lost within your world. I think I'll favorite it and watch this world flourish.
Oh yeah! I hope you like the review and that it is helpful. Please help me by reviewing my story A Choice.
1939696 Thank you! And I shall review your story posthaste!
This review is brought to you by Authors Helping Authors
Name: Cloudwalker Chronicles
Grammar: 8
Pros:
World building is just brilliant. You show that you've thought about your world on depth.
Descriptions of what's going on is great.
Cons:
A few of the paragraphs are too big, in my opinion, it kinda makes it awkward to read.
Grammar problems.
Notes:
This is an interesting story. I love the world building and your ideas. This is shaping up to be a very nice original fic. Keep up the good work.
Hope you like this review and it proves useful in someway, please review my story The Arrival
Don't worry about getting it done as soon as possible because it's going through quite a bit of editing.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Fic Name: Cloudwalker Chronicles
Grammer Score: 8 (who am I to judge my grammar is horrible)
Pros: good description of area,what's going on ect. original
Cons: some might not like the huge paragraphs with the speaking jumbled in it
Note: Good catchy and once i got over the structure of the story it was great looks promising
If you want you can review my HiE Life,Death, and Rebirth
Well, things are getting interesting and it look like Twilight forgot about Copper resistance to magic. I wonder if we get to see the water magic unicorn(I forgot her name) in the next chapter.
2086186 Yes~ Spot will be in the next chapter :3
Okay, here it is!
Welcome to the review, which was brought to you for the Sake and Glory of the Authors Helping Authors group.
Name of the Story : You know that one, don't you?
Grammatic Score : First Rule of my reviews, I never give a grammatic score, because as the not native English speaker, I just have no idea if your grammatic is bad or not. I didn't spot any mistakes, but don't consider this opinion valuable.
Pros :
- World-Building, is something that really shines in your story.
- "Testing" sequence was well written and developed.
- It's quite interesting story, I'm looking forward to see more of it!
Cons :
- The usage of Mane Six in your story was really poor. Parts with them feeled rushed.
- The quallity of your descriptions is pretty random. Some of them are masterpiece, while others are like just... "meh".
- ( SPOILER ) Actually, I don't feel like Copper Head is actually interesting character. This "werewolf" thingy wasn't described well, and the part with the "fury" was in my opinion poor too.
Notes Section :
This is brutal sentence, but I loved to use that one. Your story isn't the masterpiece, but it has the potential to become one. The cons I described sounds quite serious, but despite that your story was entertaining, and it's the most important rule of writing fics. Besides that, I suggest you to improve the usage of "Enter" and "Tab" button, to make this story better for the viewers eyes.
In that case, I give this story a Like and the Favourite, such is a fate of good stories! Thanks a lot of reviewing 2986 Steps.
Stay Awesome
Verlax
2323975 I'm glad you liked my story and I'm glad for the review. You said some things that no one has about my story before. One thing I would like to say in my defense is that the whole transformation thing wasn't in my first drafts of the story, and I'm also trying not to fully explain what it is in the story yet.
Brilliant! Can't wait for more. I swear it pains me how this hasn't gotten many views. The fact that this doesn't have over 1k infuriates me. Keep up the good work
4369586 Thanks man
Maybe once I finish it I'll get more views.
Finally! I can't get over how this is not popular. I swear this story should have been Featured multiple times now.
4762804
It is what it is friend
How's your stories going?
Amazing as usual.
Just a few little mistakes a read over can fix though.
Should be there instead of their. Sorrythe different there's are always something I'm annoyed by when it's messed up.
5301795 Thanks man! Even when going through it three times I still miss some things.
I hate to say it, but: meh.