How She Got There
Author’s warning: I wrote this chapter with the goal of enlightening what happened to the pegasus, but it turned out MUCH darker than what I anticipated to. I warn you, there is no explicit gore, but it’s harsh about war’s realities... Well I can’t say that since I’ve never been in a war, but I tried to replicate it as much as possible so if by chance any veteran is reading this, please forgive my audacity and feel free to dislike. Expect to feel rather dreary and sober at the end of it because I am not going easy on what she could have felt. I am not putting out a lighter version... so prepare to feel a bit miserable at the end of this.
Ponyville...
It was late evening when a group of six mares and a dragon sat around a table. Her magic sparkling weakly, Twilight lifted a stack of papers that had been gathered in the centre and straightened it. Her tired eyes roved over the pages as she took in the information they had gathered and the sprawling lines of Fluttershy’s hoofwriting.
“I think we have a pretty good idea what happened to that poor mare on the field,” said Rarity.
“Just in case, I’ll read aloud the report so that you can correct me. Eh Hem. We know that the War of the Sun and Moon started some time after the disappearance of the Crystal Empire. The accounts disagree why the war started, but they do note that the first engagement took place in the Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters, also known as the Castle Everfree and that it was between the Day and Lunar Guardsponies. Judging by her armour, our pegasus was in the Day Guard and was possibly at this engagement...”
More than a thousand years ago, The Castle of the Royal Pony Sisters...
Nightmare Moon rose, her cackling laughter resounding through the royal castle; Celestia only able stare in shock and horror as tears streamed down her face.
“Luna STOP! Please!” begged Celestia.
“We are Luna no longer Princess Celestia! We are NIGHTMARE MOON and from now on, Equestria will be graced with ETERNAL NIGHT!” Lightning flashed and thunder boomed, pronouncing this statement.
A female pegasus allowed the slightest hint of fear to flit across her face before she turned to the indomitable form of Guard Captain Burnished Shield.
“Protect the princess!” ordered the unicorn. With a surge, unicorns and pegasi formed a golden wall in front of their princess. This defiant move only caused the fallen alicorn to sneer.
“Lunar Guard attack!” roared Nightmare Moon. Lunar Guards, in their night-purple armour stormed forward in a snarl, fangs and webbed dragon wings extended.
The female pegasus felt her spirit surge as she extended her own wings and lunged forward with her comrades, lance levelled at the ponies, whom only days ago, had dined with her in the same mess hall.
Present...
“The engagement was inconclusive. Although Nightmare Moon retreated from the castle, most of her forces remained intact. With her supporters, constellation creatures and manticores, she secured most of then southern Equestria, now Fillydelphia and Las Pegasus. After that, there was a lull period. The Day Guard were kept in reserve until the Siege of Stalliongrad, where Celestia led her Guard to attack the weakened Nightmare Moon.”
Outside Stalliongrad...
Hailstorm, for that was her name, watched in wonder as the garrison of Stalliongrad burst out from the city’s keep and sallied forth, straight into the besieging forces of Nightmare Moon. Their surprise attack tore a gaping hole in the enemy line. Quickly flapping her wings, Hailstorm raced back to the woods outside the burning city.
Princess Celestia stood resplendent with the rest of her Day Guard. Her greatsword Solar Flare was strapped to her flank. The entire regiment of Day Guardsponies backed her, shining in their golden armour. Kneeling at the princess’s feet, Hailstorm lowered her icy-blue eyes.
"Your Highness, the Stalliongrad ponies are sallying forth in a last ditch assault. They will not last long,” reported Hailstorm. Celestia blinked her eyes in surprise and then nodded.
“Thank you Lieutenant Hailstorm, join your company. Guardsponies! Attack!” roared Celestia. Already straining at the bit, the Day Guard galloped and flew as fast as they could, their princess at the head. They charged through the smoking barricades lining the streets, tore past the remains of houses, stepped over the remnants of pony corpses and trampled the dead carcasses of Nightmare Moon’s creatures. Falling from the twilight sky and galloping over the blood soaked ground, they slammed into the rearmost ranks of Nightmare Moon’s forces.
Present...
“The battle ended in victory for the Day Guard and the remainder of the Stalliongrad ponies. After that, the Day Guard were kept in reserve as Princess Celestia’s elite force. They fought at:
Trottingham...
Hailstorm dodged a storm of arrows, huddled behind a wall and took a moment to catch a few breaths.
“Need a hoof?” chuckled a voice. The pegasus jumped and levelled her lance warily. The Princess had attempted to raise the sun, but moon was still up and the only light now available was a ghostly purple twilight. Though difficult to see through, Hailstorm made out earth ponies crouching beside her. The dark blue surcoats they were wearing were unfamiliar, but the summer sun emblazoned on them supposedly marked them as friendlies. Hailstorm wasn’t taking any chances though.
The leader of the group, a sky blue mare wearing a mail shirt and lobster tail helmet, extended her hoof and gave Hailstorm a kind smile.
“Sorry we surprised you. I’m White Tower, Colonel of the Stalliongrad Ponies. We’re here to pay back a debt.” Hailstorm smiled back and shook the hoof.
“Hailstom, Lieutenant of the 1st Maniple, 1st Cohort of the Day Guard. You’ve come just at the right time!” chuckled the pegasus.
Cloudsdale...
Hailstorm had weathered seeing her comrades drop beside her like the summer rain; she had faced Nightmare Moon’s creatures and still she had endured. Yet, she wept as Cloudsdale, the city of pegasi and her home, was lit by the flames of Nightmare Moon’s newest creation, Cloud Fire. The vicious white flames leapt from cloud structure to cloud structure, consuming all. Even after the battle, the flames still crackled. Cloudsdale was in ruins. Between that and the shrieks of trapped and dying pegasi, the normally stoic mare’s mask cracked.
“And I thought I would have gotten used to this by now,” snorted the pegasus.
“Because you’re a pony and not a monster,” said Lord Barbican, commander of the 1st Equestrian Lancers, an illustrious pegasi cavalry wing used to shock tactics. The two officers had been eating their rationed mess meal together.
“So many dead... on my hooves Barbican... I keep thinking if I could have saved them... How did you deal with it? The deaths of your comrades?” asked Hailstorm. The pegasus winced, his mistake still a delicate subject to him.
“I didn’t deal with it. I was... a shadow of myself for weeks. Until I remembered what I was originally fighting for,” said Barbican with a determined smile.
“What are we fighting for? The Princess?”
“Indirectly... It may sound naive, but we fight for Equestria, for all living things and for Harmony.”
Present...
“Our pony could have been involved in any of the battles, but which one specifically, we cannot be certain. What we do know is that she was at the final decisive engagement of the War of the Sun and Moon. That battle actually took place very close to where Ponyville is today and was known as:”
The Last Battle...
Captain Hailstorm of the Day Guard led her fellow pegasi over the sky, filled with the sound of clashing weapons, horn blasts, battle cries, roars and screams. The ground was littered with lines of disciplined ponies facing the beastly hordes of Nightmare Moon’s creatures. Constellation wolves, manticores, timber wolves, hydras and ursas tore at the unicorn and earth ponies below. The sky was just as chaotic. Gryphons and manticores were locked in the deadly dance of aerial combat against the pegasi defenders.
Glancing around to take in the situation, Hailstorm saw that the unicorns and earth ponies were holding out in their defences along the river. The once clear water was now stained with the red blood of manticore and the wooden chips of timberwolves.
But in the violet sky, pegasi were falling and bloody pony feathers filled the air. Squadrons of bat winged ponies were speeding through the sky, routing pegasi and slaying any who didn’t follow. The Lunar Guard had been unleashed. Swallowing, Hailstorm turned to the pegasi under her command. Some of them were itching for the fight. Others were shaking in their armour. Hailstorm was just tired and knew she had to say something, but she had never been good at these speeches. Captain Burnished Shield: now that was an inspiring pony. He had fallen at Trottingham, along with so many others on so many other battlefields. Still, Hailstorm had to say something, so she did.
“Pegasi of the Day Guard! We cannot let them through! The princess is depending on us to keep them away from the castle! She cannot beat the Nightmare if those ponies get there! I know you are tired, hurt and sick of this bloody cursed war. But please! I beg of you, pegasi of Equestria! One last time, for this last battle, fight! Equestria and Harmony depends on us today and as ponies of the Day Guard, we must lay down our lives for them! For Equestria!” screamed Hailstorm.
“For Equestria!” returned the pegasi with a roar and the clattering of shields and arms.
“CHARGE!” ordered Hailstorm. The pegasi leapt off their clouds, and with lances levelled, weapons held high, sped toward the Lunar Guardsponies. Hailstorm was at the point of the wedge, heart pounding in her chest as her command closed in upon the enemy.
The charge hit home. Armour shattered, breached by lances. Ponies and bat ponies were cut down from the sky. Hailstorm rammed her lance into a sneering bat pony’s face and with a skillful twist of her wings, extracted her weapon and looked for another target. Banking, she ducked a bat pony’s axe swing and barrel-rolled to drop behind him. She just managed to see the fear in his eyes before her lance was buried into his hindquarters, causing him to scream in pain and drop out of the sky. She repeated this pattern for several other opponents, some falling extraordinarily quickly. For others, she had to hover and feint before she was able to bloody her weapon once more.
The end came suddenly for Hailstorm. She was seeking another target when out of the corner of her eye she saw something descending behind her. A warning was yelled, she couldn’t really hear it, but she did feel her left wing being shattered by a brutal, spiked mace. Nothing could describe the agony she felt. She couldn’t breathe. Her senses were overtaken by an overwhelming, sharp, paralysing pain that reverberated throughout her body. The pain! It was thrumming, like a piano chord struck by a hammer. She was falling, spinning. She couldn’t control herself. Wind was whistling past her fur, ruffling her mane, dark yellow like a lion’s. Her eyes felt wet. Tears? Were they shut or open? A screeching, rage-filled wail of despair filled the air, overcoming the noise of the wind around her. It was her own voice, but she was too overtaken by the pain to realize it. The scream stopped as the mare dived into the ground with a horrible, nauseating crunch.
The pain was still there. All over her body now. A massive ache in her chest and right side; her head felt sore. Her left wing was still on fire and now her right wing hurt as well. Something wet trickled down her left side and her mane felt weird, cold, soaked by something.
A sniffle, followed by a sob, turned into a cry as the pegasus burst into tears, from pain and from pure despair. She was going to die. No amount of unicorn magic would save her. Besides, she seemed alone, somehow on the edge of the battlefield, nowhere near any medical staff. The good thing was that she wouldn’t get finished off by some manticore or torn apart by wolves. Hailstorm blinked. The pain was going away. Slowly, but surely, it was replaced by a sort of numbness. Comforting, compared to the blazing hurt that had afflicted her. She looked at the battlefield with wet bleary eyes and just laughed.
She didn’t know where they came from, but a horde of buffalo, earth ponies, donkeys, mules, zebra and unicorns had galloped over the ridge to the left of Nightmare Moon’s armies and had crashed down upon them. The monsters were in retreat, frightened by the sudden appearance of reinforcements. The pegasus thought she saw a familiar blue furred, silver maned pony in the distance, leading them forward through her steadily blurring vision.
As the battlefield faded away, Hailstorm she saw her mother, father, brothers and sisters. Cloudsdale before the cloud fire had blazed through it. She chuckled as she saw her school days and her days soaring through the sky. Life was good. The pegasus then blinked as she saw her old captain Burnished Shield walking toward her.
“Hailstorm it’s good to see you!” Hailstorm was incredulous. Her eyes and ears must have really failed her now or was it the pain?
“Hey captain... what are you doing here?” asked the pegasus.
“I’m taking you over the hills and over the main! Where there are dark forests, sunny meadows and rolling plains. Get up already!” snorted the unicorn. He wore his usual gruff smile and his armour shone like... the dawning sun. That was something she hadn’t seen in a long time. Hailstorm only looked down at her mangled body, wincing at the sight.
“I can’t Cap. I’m down... dying... can’t even move a single bloody feather. I must be the ugliest mare around and the sorriest sight on this bloody field. Damn, I’m so STUPID! After all those battles, I forgot to watch my back and look what happened to me.”
“Don’t ever call yourself stupid or ugly Captain Hailstorm. You did your duty to the very end. I’m proud of you lass. Now get up.” Hailstorm snorted, but she tried anyway and to her surprise, she stood on all four hooves, her wings feeling better than ever. She flapped them a few times and they didn't hurt.
“Now follow me. The gang’s all waiting for you!” chuckled Burnished Shield. Hailstorm smiled, left her body on the field and followed her captain over the hills and into the dawning sun.
Present...
The battle ended... in victory. Nightmare’s forces were defeated at the same time as Celestia sealed Nightmare Moon. Our pony seems to have died at the edge of the battlefield, and was never buried like the rest, leaving her body to the elements, which covered her up.”
Twilight lowered the report, the six ponies and the dragon had not objected one single time. Rainbow Dash raised a hoof, completely unlike her normal self and Twilight nodded in assent.
“Well... what do we do now Twilight?” she asked. The unicorn took a deep breath. A long time ago, she would have contemplated twice before doing what she would do now. However, that was a long time ago and before so many new revelations had been unfolded.
“Spike, take a note please.”
A couple things that jumped out at me:
I think that should be moon.
Er, wouldn't that be 'hoof'?
Get rid of 'while', it makes more sense without it.
crouching
Also, about halfway through(where it says 'The Last Battle...') the entire thing suddenly becomes italicized.
1653096 WOOPS.... sorry Apart from those how did you like the chapter? Was it too dark?
1653184
I liked it. Didn't seem to dark (especially considering the 'everyone' rating) but it did fit with the theme.
I wouldn't say that was very dark at all, it wasn't bright or anything, but it certainly wouldn't warrant an additional tag. How do you see the difference between this and that ending you aren't going to write?
1655330>>1655342 Not dark? That was surprising... The pain scene kinda freaked me out after writing it. Then again I'm a bit of a chicken. The ending was still going to stay the same, just that I wasn't going to have this chapter. I was more concerned about remembering the sacrifice the soldiers made, but then I realized you can't revere the sacrifice, if it doesn't appear to be a sacrifice.... hence this chapter was needed.
I still felt pretty miserable after writing this. I don't like character death.
Aw MAN... first dislike on this fic... well 15 likes until a dislike is better than the 10 likw and then 1 dislike I got for my last so I count myself lucky.
I'm looking forward to see how you end this.
1681190 so am I cause I have no idea. Or at least need to get writing to finish it...
This
emergency broadcastreview is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping AuthorsName of Story: Remembering the Fallen.
Grammar score out of 10: 8. Pretty solid writing. I felt you overdid some descriptions at the begining, and the pacing was kinda fast, but overall it was quite good. No glaring mistakes or anything, at the least.
Pros
I quite liked the ponies reactions to war and violence. Its hard to remember that they have had 1000 years of peace, so such concepts would be pretty alien to them, whilst it is an everyday occurance for us, to the point that a large part of our entertainment system includes violence. Nice little contrast of how different our societies are.
The scene where Hailstone dies is very touching.
The bit with Rainbow Dash at the begining was very well written, as were the battle scenes—I felt like I was there for that.
Cons
It felt a little rushed in places.
Very short, I would like to have seen longer chapters.
I would have liked to have more backstory on Hailstone, you kinda introduced her, then killed her off before we could biuld a proper emotional bond with her—as touching as her death was, it would have been even better if you had given me a reason to care about her.
Notes Section:
Very nice fic comparing war-torn Equestria to modern day peaceful Equestria. I would have liked it to have been longer, with more time following Hailstone, but over all, a good fic.
I've kinda run out of stuff I want you to review (everything else being on haitus pending rewrites), so consider this one a freebie.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group Authors helping Authors
Name: Remember the Fallen
Grammar score: 8.5
Pros: A good story, Characters stayed well in character.
Cons: someone already commented on this, but Hailstorm could have used a little more flushing out as a character.
Notes: sorry if I can't give any really helpful review, but I look more at plot and if the story makes sense. which yours did, I look forward to see how it ends. I like that you incorporated the names of characters from your Canterlot story, that's a nice touch of world cementing, meaning that the characters you created in the past, can appear in the present. I plan to due something similar once Guardians is a few chapters in.
Don't forget to take another look at Guardian of the Hearthfire,
Signed
your reader
Hingard
1876008 1879206 Thanks for the reviews guys. I'm going to direct you two other stories you should read: Wait... you two should just read each other's stories. Hingard meet ProfCharles, ProfCharles meet Hingard, I want you two to read each other's stories pronto.
ProfCharles read this: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/69626/guardian-of-the-hearthfire
Hingard read this, it's not that dark so don't worry: http://www.fimfiction.net/story/72915/irredeemable
1884855
Ooh, that's cunning.
This review brought to you by the group: Authors Helping Authors.
Fic: Remembering the Fallen
Grammar Score: 7
Pros: An interesting premise and interpretation on the War of the Sun and Moon.
Gravity for the length and brutality of the conflict achieved excellently.
Gives good insight into how the Mane 6 represent the modern Equestrian population in regards to death by unnatural causes.
Cons: There are a few tense issues that can't go unnoticed, though they don't interfere with the reading itself.
While Hailstorm does have character, it isn't truly elaborated upon until her death, leaving a reader with a sense of apathy for her until the end.
Notes: I'm interested to see whether you intend to write more of this, or whether this is well and truly the end. It's a good fic regardless, though my personal suggestion would be to end where it is if you have no plans or ideas on how to continue it.
Hope you enjoyed this review and found it helpful. I'm not going to ask you to read my fic, 'cause you do that anyway. However, I would suggest you read this story for its unique tone: Iron Vein
1887212 1885880 Two recommendations for Iron vein? It'll be next. Thanks for the reviews and favs and likes! And no. this isn't the end of Remembering the Fallen. I've always intended to do a pony at war story and It'll be after Canterlot, a sort of prequel and elaboration onto White Tower, Barbican and another character I'm planning to intro.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Remembering the Fallen
Grammar score out of 10: 8
Pros:
- An interesting concept, one that I have not seen all that frequently
- The Mane 6 had decent characterisation
- A good writing style helps add to the gravity of the situation, as well as keeping the story engaging
Cons:
- Hailstorm should really have had her character built up before her death to make the reader sympathise with her. Currently, I had no qualms to read her die, and I only found out more about her after.
- It would have been nice if you had fleshed out some of these chapters with some more descriptions.
Notes Section:
The concept for this story is appealing to me, and the characterisation you have going with the Mane 6 is quite admirable. There was few grammatical/spelling mistakes, and what ones existed, were small enough that they didn't take away from the reading experience. I've given this a like, and I wish you well on your writing journey.
I hope this review has been somewhat useful to you, and I would really appreciate it if you could check out my story: You're not real
Dan
1894182 Thanks for the review! Im kind of working on Canterlot right now, but I'll return to remembering the fallen once I finish my second EQD submission and a massive Canterlot chapter...
This thing caused me to be spammed 50+ notifications. Wat.
1901418 Check out the group forums. It'll explain why and no it isn't this fic causing it.
1901425
Just did.
Good job guys.
1901430 and thanks for the fav!
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Remembering the Fallen
Grammar score out of 10: 9
Pros:
- Idea of story not so much original, but well executed
- War of the Sun and the Moon was quite well presented
- It's easy to follow, good to read, even with retrospections.
Cons:
- Hailstorm is just a guardspony, tottaly lack of the emotion, so when he died, i didn't feel anything deeper. More personality should be given for him.
- Well... I feel that descriptions are lacking of information.
- A few lines of dialogue feeled a bit out-of-character, but there is a small amount of them.
Notes Section:
It's not masterpiece, but still it's really good-written story, with well executed idea and good ponies personalities and interesting plot. Correct the cons I wrote, and it will be bucking awesome.
I hope, that this small review will help you with your story writing. I would be really grateful if you could review :Equestria First and Only
Stay Awesome
Verlax
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
Remembering the Fallen
Grammar score: 9/10 (You have a few issues with commas. Ex: "Her eyes felt, wet, tears?" Should be something more like: "Her eyes felt wet. Tears?" Mostly, though, your grammar is fine.)
Pros: First up, your story has terrific world-building. The War of the Sun and Moon, and the characters involved, are wonderfully realized. Next, the action scenes are fantastic. I've tried my hand at battle scenes before, and mine haven't turned out this good. Very well done. Finally, the frame narrative with the Mane Six investigating this one fallen pony is touching, especially Rainbow Dash's scene.
Cons: Especially after seeing Rainbow Dash get emotional over what she found in the library, I really wanted to see more of her thoughts and how this was affecting her. There are a couple of strange formatting things going on, like the way you write, "They fought at: [New Line] Trottingham..." It's not exactly wrong, but it makes for a less-than-smooth scene transition, at least to me. Same with, "known as:” [New Line] The Last Battle..." Finally, it's not so much of a con as something more that I would like to see in this, but am curious about Celestia's reaction to the discovery of one of her soldiers. Mostly this is very good and it just needs to show more of how the whole episode has affected the Mane Six to really bring it home for me.
Notes: I really liked your fallen OC hero, and thought the scene where she is welcomed into the afterlife was well done. Also, I like the way you juxtapose the brutal war-torn Equestria of the past with the present, in which violent death just doesn't happen. Your story is written with obvious care for the history/mythology of the world, and you've grounded it in a touching and tragic war story.
Enjoy your review! Please help me out by looking at my story, Celestia in Excelsis. (Or at least the first few chapters, maybe? It's a bit longer than this one.) Thank you!
1925068 thanks for the review! I actually like writing battle scenes a lot, but I don't really get to have the chance to do so because most of my main fimfic published story is set in peacetime. This one was kind of a side thing.
And yeah I think I will be elaborating on RD's feelings and the line thing with the cities? i'll be correcting that
It's odd, there's this little group (and maybe you've heard of it) called Authors Helping Authors.
Here's a review from said group:
Story: Remembering the Fallen
Grammar: 7.9/10
Pros:
1. A good, short read on perhaps what a war between Celestia and Luna may have looked like
2. The description in your story is top notch
3. It compliments your other story Canterlot: Her Creation and Her Architects, and I love it when an author's world fits together!
Cons:
3. The main 6 were good, but they still felt somewhat out of character (it's really difficult to write the main 6)
2. The last chapter was very action packed, but left me feel void at the end instead of sad
1. Your OC wasn't fully developed in the story (which lead to con #2)
Notes:
Remembering the Fallen is a good, quick read. It gives a little background on the War of the Sun and the Moon which ties into Canterlot: Her Creation and Her Architects. The main issue is that the main OC, Hailstorm, isn't fully developed. To truly make a death have a powerful emotional impact on a person, they first need to know and love a character. When a beloved character dies, it hits home hard. That's why you felt such an impact when writing her death: you knew her and loved her as a character (seeing as she was your creation), an intimate knowledge that I unfortunately didn't have. But, it was a good read and I hope that this review is helpful for your future works!
-Flame Runner
Ahem... more please? I adore this story and would love to see it expanded upon, as it and it's tie-in are a very good foundation to write further stories about. This is truly a very emotional and a marvelous tie-in to Canterlot: Her Creation and Architects.
Since this is rattling around in my head, I want to say that I can't help but think that this could turn into an archaeological adventure with Twilight and company volunteering to find the lost tombs of the architects (provided there are any) upon seeing Celestia's nostalgia. It could be a bit tomb-raider-ish, minus freaky cults and conspiracies, so there'd be action, but more than that it's a quest to recover and remember those that came before. I vaguely recall one little thing like it in the first season of Aria the anime... the title character is asked by a strange girl she is led to by a cat to deliver a recording to someone, and she finds out the receiver has been dead for years... and that the cat and girl were both the same individual, and nothing more than physically manifesting pieces of the past. That episode was so nostalgic I wanted to cry. Ahem!
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m5kn2o4Tqs1r7qe2l.gif
...
No, actually, that would take to long. I'ma just say:
i479.photobucket.com/albums/rr157/antpogo/pony/11724020-20artist3Arlyoff20brilliant20letter20spike.jpg
and
gifsoup.com/view4/1446012/well-done-o.gif
1990270 That was an idea I entertained, we'll see how that goes.