Deep in the Everfree Forest, two young sisters face a god of Chaos.
(Inspired by fairy tales and the stories of H.P. Lovecraft. Thanks again to _Medicshy for his feedback on this.)
Chapters (1)
Kolwynia
Joined 25th Apr, 2012 ·
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Behold, one and all, the Herald of the End of Time likes cupcakes!
Nice twist at the end.
1067778
1068592 Thank you.
And thanks for reading my story!
1069435
You're welcome.
I didn´t expect that. Awesome work.
1075191 Thanks!
Alright, this had me in a fit of giggles for several minutes after reading it.
Loved the twist, very unexpected. Wish I could say more, but the story was very entertaining to read. Too short, it seems, to elicit critique.
1342905 Thanks!
I'm so glad you found the humor in it. I wasn't sure people would find the concept as amusing as I thought it was, so I never added the comedy tag to the story.
(Actually, the story tags gave me some trouble in other ways, too. The "dark" tag might chase away readers who are looking for something lighthearted, which I thought this story basically was, but couldn't tell them without spoiling the end, which tries to subvert the dark expectation. And I couldn't add the character tag of you-know-who without revealing the plot twist. *Sigh*) That's okay though. If something I write could bring even a smidgen of happiness to even a few people, it's all worth it.
Thanks for reading, and for commenting.
XD I loved the twist at the end (the "okey dokey lokey" thing XD) Azathoth with a Pinkie Pie-esque personality. Good job, overall
1671170 Thanks! [SPOILERS] You know she's the scariest one of the bunch! And she looks nothing like her sisters, so it is easy to imagine that she might have a different origin. And her chaotic personality mirrors Discord's, which is why she does not fully oppose the crazy stuff that comes with his reign. And the show's creators are not shy about having Pinkie basically toy with the rules of physics whenever she pleases.
Actually, there are a few Lovecraftian references in the show itself. Discord himself is something of an Eldritch Abomination (though I tend to view him more as a Trickster spirit). There is the starry Ursa Minor and Ursa Major that hibernate in caves. And the whole prophecy that "the stars will aid in her escape" in the first episode is just like something out of Lovecraft. "When the stars are right..."
Anyway, thanks again!
1672172 Funny, I don't think I ever noticed the Lovecraftian references in the show xD Though the "when the stars are right" thing did ring a bell, I wasn't entirely sure what bell it was until now. Thank you for bringing that to my attention xD Good luck with the rest of your writing (If there is any, of course)
I'm glad I finally got around to reading this.
2354014 Thanks!
BUUUUUCK
Awesome though.
So in the midst of writing my fifth Yadith Mythos related story of eldritch horror and primeval deities, I decide that I might as well lurch into action on a promise once given by me a long time ago to review this story. I am mildly disappointed that this is the only story that came up out of that search a few weeks ago, but at least it’s something at the end of the day.
I make note that this is the third time I have read this piece, once before sending out the thread, once on the day I submitted the thread, and once again today.
Name of Story: The Everfree Horror by Kolwynia
Grammar score: 10 - no grammatical issues as far as I could see.
Pros:
-Being one of the few stories in the fandom to approach cosmic horror, it at least gets a pro for giving it a shot.
-For such a short piece it manages to develop a surprisingly developed backstory in such a limited number of words. I commend you for that, also for managing to make something this developed in probably little more than an hour or two.
-An amusing twist at the end, delightful little comedic addition.
Cons:
-due to it being a written as flash fiction, there is not much meat to the actual story, but that is a limited con if ever there was one, and unfair to the writer.
-Pardon me if I feel rather disappointed that the eldritch deity – *ahem* Azathoth- from the centre of the universe did not break the boundaries of reality, and plunge the world into madness and a holocaust of freedom. I guess it would go against the show’s original intentions, but then we have two conflicting ideologies in mixing cosmic horror with such utopian and idealistic principles of MLP. The ending comes off a little like a traditional horror story - the bad guys get killed and the good people survive because they are “lovable scamps”, and through the power of “Luv”- rather than anything related to the Mythos philosophy.
-Unfortunately for people who have bothered to write cosmic horror pieces for the MLP community, the usage of the elements of harmony in defeating the deities of the Mythos has become distasteful for me. This is not your fault or anyone’s really, but I have grown tired of it being used over and over again. I actually hold a dislike of the elements in the show for this reason, as it seems more like a reset button mixed with a universally applied Macguffin, although the show does seem to realise this and make it more difficult for them to be used.
Notes Section: Given that this is a one shot piece written as flash fiction, I think it would be unfair to judge, give criticism or help on your literary style. It would just feel out of place. You also have not done anything along the same lines again after this, so comments on how to improve aspects of cosmic horror would be kind of redundant. Suffice to say, that despite some of its faults –although the existence of faults is largely down to opinion really- the story holds up quite nicely and gives people a good little kick to end- or start- the day with.
7.9/10 - congratulations if you ever decide to approach the genre again I will give my whole-scale support, as it is enjoy your day and have a pleasant evening.
Return Review: If you are interested you might want to check out my story “The Shadows of Yadith” which takes a more traditional edge to the genre. I won’t say that you are obliged to do so, because considering the chapter lengths, that would be an unfair exchange in return for a review on something a little above 1000 words long. If you are willing, I will have a bundle of stories being released in the next week or two. If I have your permission I will send you a message when they have been put up, as a few are much shorter and a fairer exchange than the current one. A word of warning though, my work is set in the traditional Lovecraft writing style, squamous aberrations and abysmal batrachian horrors etc so it might be a bit of a challenging read.
2811871 Thanks for the review! (Your story's length--and prose--may be a bit daunting, so I might take you up on your offer to wait for a shorter story to review in return
, but I'll certainly take a look at it. I really do enjoy Lovecraftian fiction. It's a pity there is not more of it around here, since there are canon Lovecraftian elements in the show itself, and it seems like a fun fit to juxtapose the bright and joyous ponies against such a dark universe.)
Well, My expectations got bent over and raped.
Name of Story: The Everfree Horror by Kolwynia
Grammar score: 9 – maybe a fragment once but I always leave room for error, so consider it a 10.
Pros:
-it was good horror, but mainly it got its dark tag without being grimdark and gory. And I like that.
-at first I was going to bitch about how it had little detail in describing the characters, but then of course I understand how all of that would have made the whole joke useless. I feel for you just tlike in my own “Celestia Kills Luna” how I had to make the majority of the fic fighting with no dialogue or input from the combatants lest it ruin the whole point of the satire.
-Personally, I hate the over the top “cult that resurrects an evil that whoops everyone’s ass” super evil characters who try to be Paul Bearer. So I did indeed like it that the cultists got owned in the end.
(Paul Bearer)
Cons:
-It was short, but that is not necessarily a bad thing.
-Like I said, the detail was sparse, and it left me wanting to know more about what was going on most of the time. But that was necessary as to not give away the joke in the end.
-I’m usually good at fooling people. So I was bent over laughing when I didn’t see the ending coming. For the most part, the fact that I didn’t see it as <Spoiler> made me mad because I couldn’t imagine what this “god of chaos” was and wanted to smack the younger sister for the stupid ET “do you wanna be friends?” thing… then I read the last line.
Notes Section: I’m not going to try and tell you how to improve because, for the sake of this, it was good enough.
Overall, I’m glad I read it and wish to see it get more views.
Now, I’d like you to read my new story “The Dressmaker and her Recurring Customer”. At the time of posting this, the story had a dark tag because it has horror elements to it, but like this, it involves no killing, or hurting of others in any way other than fear. I removed said tag because I believe it was turning the readers off of the story… but sadly I still did not get the feedback I wished for.
I do have a few requests as to what I would like you to seek out, specifically.
1. Rarity and Sweetie Belle: they are the main characters I intended to make for the story and wanted to keep the two in character while in the situation they are in.
2. I like challenges, so please be specific on the OCcharacter, for as you see, he is a type of character that is usually poorly done, but I have faith that I pulled it off.
3. Rarity’s personality. I tried to hit a few things with Rarity that I usually find that people skim over or do not fully appreciate with her.
a. Generosity and how she can still be generous while still a businessperson
b. Her creativity: Her thoughts go wild a few times in the story as she explores and thinks outside the box on many different occasions.
c. Integrity : She is not a simple pushover, nor is she a badass in disguise. She is willing to defend herself and keep her standards, but also she does not look to start fights, she tries to avoid conflict and upsetting people whenever she can.
d. This is the most important, How much closure you felt with the final Rarity Chapter, as well as the final chapter as of now (*Untitled 1)
I know I said to wait for tomorrow.. but who cares, Ill post the chapters I want to post now.
2976657 Thanks for the review! I'm glad the ending was successful. I will be sure to read your story and give you a review soon!
This story has been approved for the sibling story stockpile
I knew it! I knew who it was!
Hello, this is superpony55, reviewer and admin for The Gem Hunters. Congratulations! I deem this story a sapphire.
Grammar:
I didn't really notice any mistakes, but I don't catch everything. I was more focused on the story itself than the grammar. 9/10
Plot:
This was Pinkie Pie's sisters, right? And the god was Pinkie? I enjoyed the story very much. The only problem was, it could have gone in more detail, a second chapter maybe? 8/10.
Characters:
I kept thinking the orange Unicorn was Sunset Shimmer! The characters themselves were a bit complicated, as you don't really know who is who. Still, I like what I thought it was, and I hope I'm right. Even if I'm not, the thought made me smile. 8/10
Overall, your story made me smile. I would have liked more, but a pleasant story, nonetheless. About 8/10 points.
3738924 Heh. The story was written before Equestria Girls came out, so no Sunset Shimmer...
Thank you for the review! Glad you liked it! 
3739557
Right. I did like it!
fc04.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2014/003/d/9/sapphires_by_shiranuishiningstar-d70oo29.jpg
A Gem Hunter's Sapphire
A twist done right. That was very well done. I didn't get it until the very last line, and that's how it should be.