V. The Princess of Canterlot
Five:
The Princess of Canterlot
Sunlight gleams on the armor of the royal guards as they march, a spectacle to dazzle the ponies who come to watch the procession. At the heart of the parade is the princess’s palanquin, carried by four muscular stallions. The ponies lining the streets strain to get a glimpse of her.
The princess peers outside, her gaze sweeping over the crowd. Her eyes are like polished sapphires, beautiful but hard. She does not really see the ponies in the crowd. To her, they are a blurry smear of color, like scenery passing by.
A cheer goes up from the crowd. “Princess Dewdream! Princess Dewdream!” They call her name and she beams at them, but her smile is light without warmth. The ponies on the street do not notice what’s missing in their princess. They shout her name and stamp their hooves and smile and wave, oblivious.
The palanquin passes an alley. A small, filthy shape moves in the shadows there. It picks up its head and gazes out with flat, haunted eyes. The princess stares into the darkness of the alley for a moment, never seeing the little unicorn filly. But a prickling crawls over her body and she knows she has been seen. Which is silly, of course she is being seen. A thousand ponies have come out to watch the procession. But they are merely watching her. Somepony in the darkness is actually seeing her. She shivers and lets the curtain fall over the palanquin’s window. The royal procession heads toward the palace, and by the time they enter the gates, the princess has forgotten.
The unicorn filly looks down at her dirty coat, which should be white but has never been clean her whole life. So that was Princess Dewdream, she thinks. She’s beautiful. Warm tears fill her eyes and she blinks them away fast. It’s no use crying. Some half-forgotten part of her starts to daydream, her bleak surroundings fading as she curls up inside herself. I wonder what it would be like to be a princess…
* * *
“Princess?” The voice of Duly Noted, her court advisor, brought Celestia back to the present, where she stifled a shudder.
“I’m listening,” she said. A lie. She had no idea what he had been saying for the last five minutes. Something about foreign dignitaries…
Duly Noted raised an eyebrow. “If you wish, we can continue this later. You seem distracted.”
She gave him a grateful smile and noticed that he relaxed a bit. He was not comfortable around her yet. Neither was anypony else. Nopony in Canterlot knew what to make of her. Every look was filled with the unspoken question, what are you?
Celestia wished she had an answer.
“I should return to my research,” she said. “If something urgent comes up, you know where to find me.” She had spent more time studying Starswirl’s archives than she had ruling. There was a mountain of decisions that she had to make, and so far she had pushed almost all of them onto her advisors. What did she know about being a princess? They were so dazzled by her strange powers and the way she had swooped in to save the unicorn tribe that they never even asked themselves if she was qualified to wear the crown. Eventually the mystique would wear off. Part of her wished it would happen sooner rather than later, then maybe they wouldn’t all stare at her like she was a freak.
“I do,” said Duly Noted. “And that reminds me. The position of court wizard is empty now. Traditionally the princess appoints a talented and respected magician to the post.”
Celestia blinked. “I have to find Starswirl’s replacement?” She thought for a moment. “Are there any magicians qualified for the position?”
A bleak smile crossed Duly Noted’s features. “Many. There must be several dozen hoping you will choose them. In the magic academy it is all they are gossiping about these days.”
“And I suppose they all helped Starswirl to keep the sun from rising.”
“Every one. As did I, your highness. You will have a hard time finding a magician in all of Canterlot that did not use her magic to fight for unicorn supremacy in the battle.”
Celestia nodded. She didn’t want to appoint somepony to such a high position who tried to threaten all of Equestria, but there didn’t seem to be any choice. “Are any of them as talented as Starswirl?”
Duly Noted’s eyes widened. “As talented as—goodness, no! Princess, he knew more about magic than the entire academy put together.”
“No.” Celestia’s voice hardened. “He knew nothing about real magic.”
Her advisor took a step backward, swallowing. Celestia looked down at her hooves and realized that she had started to hover so that she could stare him down at eye-level. She touched back down on the floor, blushing.
“I’ll try to find a suitable candidate for the position,” she promised.
“Very good, Princess.”
He’s frightened of me, thought Celestia. Of course he’s frightened. He was using his power to hold down the sun, along with an army of unicorn magicians, every genius of the magic academy, and the most powerful unicorn wizard of the age, and I broke every one of their spells as if they were nothing, and tore the sun away from them without even breaking a sweat.
She gave him another smile, but he didn’t relax this time. “See you in a few hours, Duly. We can start making plans about those foreign dignitaries.”
“I look forward to it, Princess.”
Celestia doubted that.
She left her advisor in the throne room and headed toward the wing of the castle where Starswirl’s old archives were. She was so lost in thought that she barely noticed the stares of the unicorns she passed. How can I be a good princess if everypony is afraid of me? They see a freak, a pony that doesn’t really belong to their tribe, to any tribe. But I’m…
What? Even she barely knew what she was. I’m a bit of everything. She could feel the life flowing within her. If she closed her eyes she could imagine it, a river of golden light running through her being. It was strange and wonderful. She felt connected to everypony she met, as if she were somehow friends with the whole world. When she thought about that, she couldn’t hold in her smile. She actually felt physically lighter. Was this part of the magic of friendship? She didn’t have friends, not yet, but she felt a kinship with everypony. Was that enough? The lightness filled her entire body. If she were outside she would have taken flight.
On the way to Starswirl’s archive was a golden door. A song floated out from behind it. The voice was beautiful, as high and clear as a bell. Celestia paused outside the door and listened to the last few lines of the song.
"…Would you fly to me if you had wings?
For you I take this world apart.
And from the ruins a Question sing:
What can break a crystal heart?"
In the silence following, Celestia waited, wondering. She took a breath and tapped the door with her hoof. For a few moments there was no answer. Celestia raised her hoof to knock again.
“Enter.”
With a gentle push, Celestia opened the door to a lavish chamber filled with lush cushions, scattered baubles, and ornamented mirrors. A white unicorn stood at her window, amethyst mane tossed by a light breeze. Though she was older than the filly whose parade had passed a dark alley more than a year ago, she had only grown more beautiful. Celestia would have known her anywhere.
“Princess Dewdream,” breathed Celestia.
“I’m not a princess anymore,” said the unicorn, turning from the window. When she saw Celestia she froze, eyes wide. Her mouth opened, but no words came out.
Celestia did not know what to say. Ever since she had taken the throne she had been avoiding the deposed princess. There were those who had cried for her blood after the battle, but Celestia had made it clear that Dewdream would have the same amnesty as the rest of the unicorn tribe. She had lost her crown and title. That would have to be enough. Her brief, cruel reign marked the end of a dynasty that had lasted for hundreds of years.
Dewdream stared at the new princess with amazement. It was the first time she had laid eyes on the winged unicorn up close. She had been avoiding Celestia as much as Celestia had been avoiding her. Now her eyes wandered over Celestia’s white coat, her ivory horn, her wings, her shimmering mane. This was the pony who could raise the sun by herself, who stopped the battle of the three tribes, from whose face even Starswirl the Bearded fled.
“Princess Celestia,” said Dewdream with an awkward bow. “To what do I owe this… visit?” She couldn’t bring herself to say pleasure.
“I… heard your singing,” Celestia said lamely. “I’ve never heard that song before.”
“It comes from the Crystal Empire,” said Dewdream. “I have been learning some of their music lately. I am… was… going to be betrothed to King Sombra. Did you know that? When I was old enough, the wedding would have united our kingdoms.” She kicked a gaudy trinket across the floor.
“Did Starswirl set that up?”
Dewdream was taken aback. “I… he may have suggested it, but I am—was—princess of Canterlot. It was my choice.”
Did she think that when she ordered the sun to be held down? Starswirl has manipulated her like everypony else. I wonder what he wanted to accomplish by marrying her to this King Sombra. The Crystal Empire is supposed to be a kingdom of Harmony; what would be the advantage of joining it to a corrupted Canterlot?
Celestia frowned. “There are some things I have wanted to ask you.”
“Ask then. I am not going anywhere.” There was boldness in Dewdream’s tone, maybe even a touch of defiance.
“How much did you know about what Starswirl was doing?”
Dewdream snorted. “I’d heard you were obsessed with the old goat. You may not wish to hear this, but I was the one who commanded him to keep the sun down. I was the one who wanted to overthrow the other pony tribes. Starswirl is a useful magician and a sound advisor, but he was never the one wearing the crown.”
Could the former princess really be so ignorant? “How much do you know about him?”
Dewdream shrugged. “I know the same as everypony. He is the oldest magician in Equestria. He helped to found Canterlot. Clover the Clever was his apprentice. Every unicorn in the Magic Academy studies the book he wrote, Elements of the Arcane. They say he studied in Tartarus, which I don’t know if I believe. He’s served as court magician since the days of Princess Platinum, a post which is now empty for the first time in a century. Has anypony approached you for the job?”
“Not yet.”
“They will.”
“I’m not going to appoint somepony who was involved in your little war.”
A tile cracked beneath Dewdream’s hoof. “My little war, your highness?” Somehow she managed to fill the title with enough venom to make it a curse word. “It is our war. All three of the pony tribes have been fighting for a hundred years. You didn’t save us from this war. You stopped the battle that would have ended the war.”
Celestia had to fight the urge to set the ex-princess on fire. “Is that what Starswirl told you?”
“He didn’t have to. I was born a princess. I have always known my responsibility.”
“Your responsibility was to protect life. To bring ponies together. You could have made friends with the other tribes.”
“Friendship? Is that the way you plan on ruling, now that you sit the throne?” Dewdream threw back her head and laughed, a bitter, musical sound. “That kind of thinking died with Clover the Clever. Friendship doesn’t work.”
Celestia felt her blood run cold. That’s what he wants you to believe. Whether she realized it or not, Dewdream had adopted Starswirl’s twisted philosophy. Where did those thoughts lead? Celestia knew. Starswirl’s master plan would ruin everything if he were able to accomplish it. Everything. And here a royal princess was already corrupted. As is most of the unicorn tribe, thought Celestia. If I don’t find a way to change their minds, Starswirl will win in the end.
“I need to go,” said Celestia.
“Don’t be too aloof, your highness,” said Dewdream. “The unicorns might need you now, and you might be a powerful magician, but if you don’t stop reading those dusty old books, you’ll never be a good princess.”
Celestia slammed the door behind her as she left. I’m not taking advice from her about how to be a good princess. She had half a mind to throw Dewdream out her window. Well, not really, but it felt good to think about doing it.
Starswirl’s archives were vast. His little study in the house he and Celestia had shared did not have the hundredth part of all the books and scrolls he collected. In the days since she was crowned princess of Canterlot, Celestia had spent more time in this part of the castle than anywhere else. But in all her time studying, searching for answers, trying to anticipate her old mentor’s next plan of attack, she learned nothing that would help her find what she was looking for. Until today, when she entered the old archive to find that somepony was already there.
A little blue unicorn sat at a desk in the archive, drawing in one of the books. She wore a pair of round glasses and her tongue stuck out of her mouth as she worked, magicking the quill across the surface of the page in slow, graceful strokes.
“What are you doing?” Celestia demanded. In the silence of the archive, and with her emotions still stormy after her conversation with Dewdream, her voice came out louder and harsher than she’d meant it to.
The blue filly started, her magic flickering, and she dropped the quill she had been using. She looked up at Celestia and her eyes grew wide. She dipped her head.
“I beg your pardon, Princess. I am making an illuminated copy of this book.” Her horn glowed with soft violet light and the book she was copying floated in the air between them. It was a book about enchanted places and things.
“I don’t think I’ve read this one yet,” said Celestia.
“It is full of ancient legends from the old country, before the eternal winter forced the three tribes to leave. And there are some stories about Equestria too. Did you know that ponies lived here before the three tribes settled here?”
Celestia did not, but she wasn’t ready to give up any of the mystique she had in the eyes of her new subjects. “You are interested in enchantments, huh? What is your name?”
“Page,” said the blue unicorn, setting the book back on the desk and curtsying as well as she could. “Page Sparkle. I’m studying for my entrance exam to the Magic Academy. I’ve been coming here for months to learn all I can.”
“Months? Why haven’t I seen you before? I’ve been doing some research of my own, and I’ve come here every day.”
Page blushed. “Well, I’ve been in the infirmary ever since the battle.”
Celestia’s eyebrows shot up. “You fought in the battle?”
“F-Fought?” Page shook her head. “No, not me. I was actually trying to study combat magic techniques when I got hit by a lightning bolt. Well, I think it was a lightning bolt.”
“You were in the battle… to study?”
The blue pony blushed and nervously pushed her glasses up her nose. “Basically.”
Some of my subjects are… less than sane it would seem. “I see. And what did you learn?”
Page grinned sheepishly. “Quite a few things, actually. But the mostly never to go into a battle to study.”
Celestia smiled. Her old teacher would have loved this one. “You sound like the perfect student. I suppose that’s why Starswirl allowed you to study here.”
“Well, he also wanted some of these books copied and illuminated. Also…” Page looked away.
“What’s wrong?”
“Nothing. It’s just… there’s a rumor going around that you hate him for starting the war.”
That was pretty accurate. “I don’t know about hate. He’s dangerous and I have to find a way to stop him from doing some very bad things.”
Page nodded. “Well, the reason I’ve been allowed to work and study here is… he’s kind of my grandfather.”
Celestia could not hide her surprise. “I didn’t know he had children.”
“He only had one child. My mom. And she died years ago.”
“I’m sorry.”
Page shook her head. “I barely knew her or my dad, so it’s okay.” Celestia rather thought that was the opposite of okay, but she didn’t say anything. “To tell the truth, I don’t know my grandfather very well, either. He didn’t have anything to do with raising me, but he made sure I was taken care of. And when I did see him, he was always kind.”
Yes, thought Celestia. He was always that, even when he put a spell through my heart. This poor girl, I probably saw more of Starswirl than she ever did.
She looked down at the young unicorn’s work. The illuminated page of the book shone with deep reds and sparkling golds. “You are very talented,” Celestia remarked.
“Thank you very much,” said Page. “I can take a break from it if you want, so you can read the original. There might be something in there that can help you.”
“Oh? You want to help me find information that I can use to defeat your kind old grandfather?”
“Yes.” Page was staring right at her. Her eyes, behind her glasses, were bright and hard, like polished steel.
Celestia frowned. “Why?”
“He tried to conquer the pegasus and earth pony tribes.”
“So what? Most unicorns I’ve met don’t seem to understand why that is a bad thing.”
“I do. An earth pony saved me during the battle. And then you came and saved us all. Hundreds of unicorns flinging their spells and I owe my life to an earth pony and… whatever you are, Princess.”
Celestia bowed her head, eyes filling with tears. At last, she thought, somepony understands. “If I could make all of Canterlot see that,” she whispered, “we might have a chance.”
Page stood there in awkward silence, not knowing what to say to the princess. She was good with books and magical formulas, not emotional stuff. And this was not just any regular pony, this was the princess. Finally she said, “I can show you some of what I’ve been studying, if you wish.”
Celestia blinked her tears away. Part of her wanted to tell the young unicorn everything, about Starswirl, about how she got her wings, about how she really wasn’t qualified to be a princess at all. But she said nothing. Every atom of her being cried out for a friend, but this was one of her subjects, one of the ponies she had to protect and watch over. There seemed an insurmountable gulf between them.
“Yes,” said Celestia. “I’d like that.”
Light shone from Page’s horn as she lifted the book into the air with her magic and began turning the pages.
“Here, these pages tell the story of a magical amulet that can make a unicorn much more powerful. Hmm, but it’s dark magic. I don’t suppose that is what you are looking for.”
“Not exactly,” said Celestia, but she looked over the legend anyway. The book said that anypony who used the amulet would be corrupted. She didn’t need something like that. “I am searching for powerful artifacts of good magic.”
The pages turned. “Here, this is the most powerful magical artifact there is: the Crystal Heart.” There was a picture on the page to go with the legend. It showed ponies bowing to a floating heart-shaped object.
“Hmm… I should look into this,” said Celestia. “And some of the other magical places and objects as well. But what I’m searching for is something even more powerful than the Crystal Heart. They may not be in this book, but you say you’ve been doing your research for a month, so maybe you’ve found something about them. They are called the Elements of Harmony.”
Page’s brow furrowed. “The Elements of Harmony? I think they might have been mentioned in something I read. Hold on…” She stood up and went to the shelves, sifting through scrolls and books and loose scraps of dusty paper, her princess all but forgotten.
“Ah, here it is. It was in this book of legends and fairy tales from Old Equestria. I told you that ponies used to live here before the three tribes came to this land.” She sat the book on the desk next to the others. It was old and faded. It must have been compiled a century ago, when Starswirl the Bearded was young.
“If there were ponies in this land before the three tribes, where did they go? Equestria was empty when the three tribes arrived.”
“Nopony knows, but there are ruins of old castles and villages scattered throughout Equestria. Some ponies in the magic academy are trying to study Old Equestrian magic.”
“What about you? You seem interested in this.”
“I am interested in finding out the truth about things. And the history of the ancients is fascinating, mostly because what we do know about it just leads to more questions. And a lot of the theories they talk about sound like, well, fairy tales.” She stopped and gave Celestia a strange look, her cheeks coloring. “Actually, I was studying this before the battle, before you became our princess, so I didn’t think anything of it, but there are a couple of the legends you might find especially interesting, your highness.”
“How so?”
“Well, in some of the stories it sounds like Old Equestria was a kingdom where different kinds of ponies lived together, not separated according to tribe like we are. And there is an old poem about a prince who could fly and use magic. It’s the kind of thing that sounded like a story for fillies… until you came.”
Celestia wondered. Could there have been another pony like her, somepony a phoenix gave its immortality to? But then, where did he go? He couldn’t have died. Maybe it was just a fairy tale after all. But what if it wasn’t? Was there another pony like her out there somewhere?
That is what she desired more than anything. Somepony like her. An equal. Somepony who she could really be friends with. An idea began to take shape within her. It would be risky, but it might work…
“A kingdom where different kinds of ponies lived together…” Celestia murmured. “It sounds wonderful.”
“It really does,” said Page. She looked like she was thinking of something in particular, but Celestia didn’t want to pry.
“What about the Elements of Harmony?” asked Celestia.
“Oh, yes. Right here. There’s a passage that references them.”
And here is what she read:
The darkness cries this fateful hour
At the heart of Friendship’s power
Stand those with spirits all agreed
The chosen Elements of Harmony
One is born to laugh and sing and smile
Another holds fast to truth without guile
One will give and love with all her heart
One shows devotion when all falls apart
And one is made of kinder, gentler stuff
But to save all that is, five won’t be enough
A circle long broken must be mended
Then shall this present darkness be ended
“That’s it? It doesn’t say where they are?”
“I’m sorry, Princess. I’m pretty sure that’s the only place I’ve even read about them. And I didn’t know they were magical artifacts. I thought they were ponies, some kind of mythological heroes.”
“They are both,” said Celestia. She was thinking. Starswirl’s Book of Harmony said so much about the Elements that Celestia had assumed there would be more information about them. How could the most powerful magic ever known to ponydom be so completely lost?
“And… you’re sure they’re real?”
Celestia smiled at her. “Of course. Some fairy tales are true.”
“If you wish, I can take on some of the research. I’m good at that, actually.”
Celestia thought about it. She was sure that finding the Elements was of utmost importance, but even Starswirl had not been able to locate them. And now Page, a born scholar, had only come across a single reference to them in months of study.
Meeting Page made Celestia realize something. She had been so focused on finding a way to stop Starswirl that she was neglecting the very ponies she was trying to protect. She wasn’t an apprentice magician anymore; she was a princess. And if she wanted to be a better princess than Dewdream, her ponies needed her to be an example of the magic of friendship.
And just like that, the princess knew what she had to do.
“Thank you for the offer, Page, but no. You focus on your own research. I’m going to need magicians like you at the academy.”
“Th-thank you, Princess! Are you sure there’s nothing I can do for you?”
“Well…” Celestia hesitated. They had only just met, but she felt like she could trust Page. “There might be one thing. If you want to, that is.”
“Oh, I do. Whatever it is, I do.”
“Do you know the house your grandfather lived in?”
“Yes. It burned down the night of the battle. There’s a rumor going around that he did it himself, to keep anypony from finding out his secrets.”
“I don’t know if it survived the fire, but he had a mirror in his office. It was magical, so it might not have burned.”
Page’s interest was piqued. “A magic mirror?”
“If you can find it, I would be grateful.”
“I will do my best, Princess.” The little unicorn beamed.
“Thank you.”
Leaving the archive, Celestia went to the throne room. It was empty except for a pair of royal guards. They snapped to attention when she entered.
“Please find Duly Noted and send him to me,” she instructed them.
They left her alone, staring at the throne. Her throne. Once, when she was small, she had daydreamed about being a princess, the way most fillies do. In her fantasy, she was a beautiful unicorn whose coat was pure white, without a single speck of dirt on it. And when her loyal subjects bent their knees to her and asked her what she desired, she had always said the same thing.
“Princess?” Duly Noted approached her with caution.
“I have a wish, Duly.”
“Whatever it is shall be done, Princess.”
Celestia took her place on the throne. “The alleys of Canterlot are filled with starving fillies and colts.”
Duly Noted nodded. “It has always been this way.”
“No more. Use whatever resources we have. Empty the treasury if you have to. Let my wealthier subjects know my intention. If they want my favor they will follow my example. Make giving fashionable in Canterlot. By the time the Summer Sun Celebration comes around, I don’t want a single child left on the street in my city.”
With that decree, the reign of Princess Celestia began in truth. And by the time the throne of Canterlot was taken from her by force, you could not have found a single child in the city that was not being cared for.
Duly Noted swallowed. “Is… that all, your highness?”
“No,” said Celestia, “but it’s a start.”
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wow this is amazing. i can't pinpoint anything specific right now as it's 1 in the morning but when i wake up i'll (hopefully) remember
1911596 Thank you so much.
Next up: The Pony in the Looking-Glass.
1924701 Wait... taken from her by force?? Foreshadow much?
1932131 Thank you so much for the review! And thanks for bringing the flaws in my Celestia to my attention. What I was going for was a character who was a bit of a blank slate, not quite as interesting as those around her, then, as the story progresses and she goes through some stuff, slowly she would become more and more interesting until after a thousand years she is truly fascinating, like I think the Celstia from the show is. (But I don't want that to be an excuse for not developing her character enough right away. Thanks for the heads up on that.)
And Celestia hasn't grown up. Maybe I'm writing her dialogue a bit too grown up? (I see her as intellectual enough to be able to speak like an adult.) But even though she is an alicorn now, she is still only a filly. In human terms she would have been almost eleven when Starswirl took her in, and twelve where the story is now. (Should I add a few lines here and there to remind the reader that she is still a filly? I don't want them picturing an adult Celestia yet...)
Thanks again for the review, and for the favorite! I will be sure to check out Canterlot: Her Creation and Her Architects when I get the chance. (I kind of wanted to anyway since reading Remembering the Fallen. And you never know, I might have to check out your other story too some time, because I happen to be a big fan of Garth Nix's Abhorsen trilogy.)
1935952 Yes you do need to remind us that for all her purity maturity and heart she is a filly. Maybe link the childhood experiences more to her feelings to dew dream or her desire to get the foals off the street. Don't get me wrong you've established her character very well. But you have to elaborate and build from that basis gradually adding flaws such as a lack of experience. I look forward to your next chapter in glee.
And you're a Garth Nix fan too? :D I love The Old Kingdom Series. You know there will be a new book out sometime this or next year? It's on the abhorsen Clarier... well before she became: Spoilers
Chlorr
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors
First, thank you for the review of Primoris Concordia! Now I shall return the generous favor.
Grammar Score: 10/10 (Seriously, I found only one flaw: you forgot to capitalize King Sombra the first time Dewdrop mentions him. Other than that, your grammar is spot on. Especially in the flashbacks, a lot of people tend to slip up when using present tenses.)
Pros: Great story premise! I don't read many origin stories, but I have yet to come across one that portrays Starswirl as an antagonist, so points for originality. Your descriptive writing is great without being too flowery. We can visualize what's happening without being led off on tangents. Your dialogue is excellent! I like the confrontation between Starswirl and Celestia, it was very believable.
Cons: The pacing of the story seems a bit awkward. Not the speed of the story itself, but the transition of events.Celestia receiving her wings and new powers and being bale to understand and use them so soon is a bit of a stretch. The references to the present or later events also seem a bit unnecessary. We kind of already know what Celestia will go on to do, so telling us before actually telling us seems a little redundant if that makes sense.
Notes: The quote on the cover page was an excellent attention grabber! That's a pretty surefire way to get someone's attention. The mythology you're creating for this world is very interesting and mysterious and I can't wait to read more of it. Also, I like your chapter titles. Chapter titles are important! Overall, you've got the makings of a great story and storyteller. Keep up the good work and enjoy your review! And again, thanks for reviewing my story, means a lot.
1937936 Thank you very much! I'm really glad people are responding well to Starswirl as an antagonist. (Until show canon reveals him to be a noble Gandalf-like character and ruins the whole thing.
)
And your story Primoris Concordia: Mingling Worlds is wonderful! This is why I'm loving the Authors Helping Authors group, it's introducing me to great stories that I never would have known about before.
1937009 That series has the best necromancer mythology I have ever seen. And more people need to experience the awesomeness that is Mogget.
1939242 I know how you feel. I'm kind of nervous about Keep Calm and Flutter On because of future events in my story. If the rumor about Discord being a corrupted Starswirl prove true, I will flip tables.
1939242 Well crap I don't have him in my story... I like Lirael and Sabriel better to be exact.
1939268 That better not happen. I have a lot of "Plan B"s in my head in case the show writers do various things. I think my story can recover from anything except Twilight getting sent back in time to find out what really happened in Equestria's past. But...if Discord proved to be Starswirl (which, oddly enough, I thought about and considered doing), that would really mess things up.
I'm enjoying every chapter, Kolwynia. Even more so now that you've slowed down enough to give us time to appreciate everything. Her slow interactions with Page help build a character which we know to be an ancestor of Twilight. I'm predicting an explanation of why the Sparkle family is one of devoted service to the royal line (Heck, might explain why so many crests look like her cutie mark).
That leaves me on a tangent. If Marks are bound by fate, then wouldn't this be a great example of one stronger fate than many of the others? An obvious linage of service and fealty. Or maybe it's some sort of oath to service by an ancestor from so long ago that has effected the generations... Just food for thought. Or maybe a future Touchstone
Going by a comment, I too had forgotten that she was just a filly. I was also under the impression that she became a full sized mare. I do see where you have tried to show that she's still young in body (Having to hover to look Duly Noted in the eye). But if you don't mind a suggestion or two, I would add maybe a few physical obstacles. When she climbs up to the throne, know that it's a throne built for a full grown mare. I'd imagine she would have some trouble easily sitting herself on it. This could also serve as a metaphor later on.
She grew up a Unicorn. She's used to a more frail form than an Earth pony, and the less agile of a Pegasus. I'd believe Celestia would forget that she even had wings in the first place at times. Has she flown since coming to confront Starswirl? Has the thought even occurred to her? What a thrill would it be to fly for the first time just to enjoy it rather than coming to the rescue. As a filly may dream to be a princess, would a filly also dream of flight?
That also rings a fifth bell. I do love your little setup at the start, showing Celestia as a sort of vagrant on the streets. It ties into the end of the chapter, serving as a stronger motivation than that of simple pity. She has empathy of the situation.
Overall great, and I eagerly await the next chapter!
1947628 Thanks! Your comments mean a lot to me.
Yes, Page is an ancestor of Twilight. (And since she's Starswirl's granddaughter, technically Twilight is his descendant too.
) We will actually get to meet quite a few ancestors of characters from the show. As for her entire lineage being in royal service...things are going to get a bit messy over the thousand years before now and then.
And I wanted to have Celestia getting to enjoy the wonders of flight, since during the battle she was too furious to do so. But it didn't seem to work in this chapter so I had to move that scene. I think it's going to be better where I've decided to put it.
Next chapter is going to be short, but it's with my pre-reader right now. Thanks for reading!
This review brought to you by Authors Helping Authors
Name: Celestia in Excelsis
Grammar: 9.9/10. I found maybe 2-3 sentences in all 5 chapters that I thought could have been reworded to flow better, which is as close to perfect as I've ever seen in a fanfic.
Pros:
- You certainly have one of the most novel premises I've yet seen for ancient Canterlot history
- The writing itself is, by and large, magnificently done, engaging and epic. There are certain points that I feel could use more, and I'll discuss this when I come to cons.
- You've clearly built up a large mythology and engaging here. I smell the influence of Tolkien, which is never a bad thing.
Cons:
- Celestia's characterization. As far as I can tell right now, she is basically Pure Purity of Pureness. And while I understand that's the point of her character, it makes her unrelatable. What are her fears? What are her doubts? What is her dark side? Living as an orphan on the streets should be a immensely traumatic and damaging experience for any child, yet Celestia seems none the worse for it. She's, at the least, bordering on Purity Sue when she should, realistically, be emotionally scarred and full of self-doubt. Yes, I know the whole point of her character is to be pure, but giving her a tragic and sympathy-inducing past and making her completely and wholly good through and through seems a tad excessive. The orphan thing is just going overboard, in my opinion.
- Pacing. Chapters 1-3 feel rushed. We see barely anything of Unicorn Celestia, we have virtually no comprehension of her character or motivations. In my opinion, the battle of the three tribes, Celestia's ascension into an alicorn need a lot more description. What does it feel like to become a physical god? What is the scale, the desperation, and power of the final battle of a long and devastating war? These are things that would add so much to the story if conveyed, but you skip over them far more quickly than I would have liked to see.
- I know there's supposed to be a third thing here, but I got nothing.
Notes:
I really, strongly urge you to address Celestia's characterization above all else. It's easily the biggest flaw in what is otherwise a magnificently-written story. Expanding on her character even ties in with the the pacing. Let's reiterate: A poor, broken orphan who is terrible at magic is picked up by the main villain and becomes his chosen, but is utterly incorruptible and challenges him, dies, then is brought back to life as the Chosen One by the closest thing the universe has to God. Then the three warring factions about to slit each other's throats stop fighting at her appearance and the army of the main villain rejects him and declares her their leader. Throughout all of this she expresses no significant self-doubt or fear despite having been betrayed by the closest thing she ever had to a friend, her world turned upside down, and going from weak and powerless filly to a physical god.
I don't want to seem harsh as I actually really do love this story, but I hope you can see how Mary Sueish Celestia is getting.
I hope you found this review helpful, you've earned my utmost respect as an author. If you have the time, I'd love for you to review my fic, Fragment.
1951465 Thank you very much for the review! I will be revising the story soon, and taking the advice of everyone who reviewed it so far. (Seriously, if everyone who reviews a story tells you the same thing, you know you have to address it.
) Now yours is the strongest criticism of my Celestia yet. And...you are right. She is too good to be true. Her tragic past is probably a bridge too far as well, but all fantasy heroes have to be orphans. It's, like, a rule or something.
Now, I've obviously missed the mark here concerning her character. I think I told another reviewer that I intended her to start off as a blank slate, this kind of force of pure goodness, and become progressively more flawed and interesting as the story went on. Well, that was a terrible idea because she should be interesting and relateable right away. I will let the audience in on some more of her fears and doubts and weaknesses in the beginning, and try to give more insight into her feelings during and since her ascension. That innate goodness of hers has to remain strong for the first part of the story, though. (It is vital to an important scene in a later chapter.) Do you think I could get away with it a little more if I lampshade it?
Thank you once again for taking the time to read and review my story. I will certainly be taking your words to heart when I revise it. And I will definitely review your story. (Just as soon as I read FlanChan's, yours is next.
)
1952532
There's nothing wrong with making her incredibly innately good (after all, it's the whole point of the character). But where it runs into Purity Sue territory is that she's incredibly self-confident and sure of herself despite her entire backstory making her the opposite. Celestia should have major abandonment and self-worth issues. Here are some specific suggestions:
- Make her initial reaction to finding out Starswirl's plan confused and unsure. Her first reaction should be denial ("There's no way my mentor would do this!"). And then when Starswirl shows up she questions him on his intentions and motivations, and for a time it would seems as though she is going to pick his side. But as Starswirl reveals more, Celestia begins to see through his deception, and this causes her to fight him. This way you strengthen Celestia's characterization as smart and inquisitive while reducing the incredible self-confidence and determination to more believable levels.
- Change the way she behaves before the pheonix council. Imagine if an ordinary person were told suddenly told out of the blue "Ok, we're making you the next President. Yes, right now." In a situation like that, the only proper reaction would be along the lines of "Wait what? Are you sure? Why me? I don't think I can handle this!" Anything else would imply massive arrogance, or massive ignorance. Celestia here is leaning towards the side of ignorance, but that's also bad. You've established her in Chapter 1 as a smart, inquisitive little pony, so she should be more curious about what the phoenixes are about to do to her, as well as what's going on in general.
- I think that a huge part of the reason why it's so easy to think of post-transformation Celestia as fully grown is because everyone treats her as fully grown. If she's a filly, then that should be reflected in the way she is treated. The armies should be much more hesitant about attacking a filly and they should not instantly respect her as much. Celestia should have to put a good deal more effort into gaining their respect. Celestia herself seems to have the mind of a full-grown mare at this point. Her speech and actions are all very mature. Can you seriously imagine a kid saying “I am part of every tribe. And I won’t see another pony dead from any one of my armies.”? Maybe mention that becoming an alicorn changed her mind or something, because it's extremely hard to reconcile her being a filly with her behavior.
- Alternatively, just make her fully grown, it will impact the current storyline much less, and making her act more like a filly would remove a lot of the drama and seriousness of chapters 3-5. And then Celestia has to deal with the implications of going from child to fully-grown without ever having dealt with the teenage years inbetween. Should make for some interesting social interactions (especially romance; I see that romance tag!) later on. I think this is the better option, really, unless Celestia being a child is a major plot point.
1952988 Thanks for the advice!
(Yeah, she has to stay a filly for now, so I'll be working on that.)
This story needs more readers! It's perfect! You totally made my day. The concept, the narration, your writing skills... are all awesome. Please please keep up the wonderful work and finish the story!
1955120
There is nothing bad with making her so sure about the plan od her master being really evil. After all It's Princess Celestia we're talking about! The embodient of Harmony, Purity and All-other-Things-that-are-all-good. Make it your way! It wasn't unbelievable for me at all! So I'm not so sure if she should side with Star Swirl even for a little while.
But the point with the Phoenix Council is worth considering. I agree with Heliostorm
Also, after the transformation I automatically pictured Celestia as a fully grown mare in my mind. And I enjoyed that vision. It made sense for me. She changed,discovered the whole new meaning of life, completely new, incomprehensible power, so in many ways she's grown up. And I was obvious for me that she behaves diffrently, more maturely. But you're the author so if you say she's a filly, than I have nothing to do with it.
Anyway I really enjoy this story
1958990 Thank you so much!
And you don't have to worry about her siding with Starswirl. I feel that would be way too out of character.
As for the filly versus grown-up Celestia, the way I see it, the first time we see Luna in the show, after Nightmare Moon is defeated, she looks really young. Like a teenager. And then, in Luna Eclipsed, she looks older. I know people have all kinds of stories about what Princess Luna was doing on the moon during her banishment, but I imagine that she was basically in stasis during her imprisonment, and only started aging again once she was freed.
What this means for the story is that I think Luna was young when she betrayed Equestria. And even though Celestia is the elder sister, I don't imagine her being that much older. (Essentially still in her teens, in human terms.) So the entire beginning of the story is going to take place during Celestia's adolescence.
I will be sure to revise the story to make sure the readers aren't imagining an adult Celestia during all those scenes, and add to the Phoenix Court chapter. (I just really like the image of an alicorn filly stopping a war, to say nothing of later, when a certain spirit of chaos shows up.)
1960698
Well,Thanks for the explanation I like it very much and I find your point entirely well-thought.
And now I just can't wait to see it happen! 
1960698
Hmm, I can hardly imagine that several years have passed between Mare in the Moon and Luna Eclipsed, so it's hard to imagine that Luna's age-up was natural. Didn't Faust explain it as having to do with power levels?
1958990
Being the embodiment of all things good doesn't mean that she shouldn't have some depth to her character. A protagonist that never doubts themselves on top of being kindness incarnate and incorruptible makes for a pretty flat character. Most Hero's Journey stories start with naive, self-doubting heroes that needs lots of guidance who grow into confident, learned, and powerful characters (Frodo Baggins, Harry Potter, Luke Skywalker, Percy Jackson, etc. etc. etc.). Celestia here is basically starting where most young heroes begin, which doesn't leave a lot of room for character development.
1968431 Ah, she might have. I've also heard that she said when Luna was fully mature she would look like Nightmare Moon. I don't know. Honestly, I suspect there is just a continuity issue, because in the Crystal Empire episodes, the flashback showed what looked like an adult Luna next to an adult Celestia (both in silhouette) banishing Sombra. When you are dealing with the Princesses, so little is known about them that it is fun to wonder, and make things up. I mean, maybe Luna waxes and wanes like the moon, and sometimes appears younger and sometimes in an adult form. (Not my personal headcanon, but it's an idea.) This story will basically be an adolescent hero fantasy for the first chapters, so Celestia is young and Luna is...well, she's on her way.
This Review is brought to you by the group Authors Helping Authors
Name: Celestia in excelsis
Grammar: 9.5/10 (Highest I give, always room to improve)
Pros: A fantastic story
Good characters
Writing is great
Cons: can't really think of any besides the ones already mentioned.
Notes: This is an amazing story, Really well done so far. Besides what others have said, I can't really add anything. Thank you for reviewing Guardians of the Hearthfire, second chapter should be up later this week. I look forward to the continuation of this great story.
Hope you liked your review, and thanks again for reviewing Guardians.
Another good chapter. This one is full of character development and a bit of foreshadowing at the end. (Discord perhaps?) I've enjoyed every second thus far.
1968431 Frodo may not have been ths best example. He was always screwing up.
"Page Sparkle." My goodness, the implications of that name are incredible...
I can only repeat myself in saying that this is a fascinating story. Your interpretation of Celestia's beginning is endlessly intriguing. You weave canon information into your story so seamlessly, it makes it that much more believable.