The stars are going out over Equestria and Twilight Sparkle knows it means something terrible is happening. It's up to Twilight and her friends, plus Pinkie Pie's sister Surprise, to save the day. With the help of the Doctor, they will travel back in time a thousand years ago to uncover the truth about an ancient evil that threatens all of Equestria. Innocence will be lost. The power of friendship will be threatened. And unless the Guardians of Harmony can stop it, Death will come for one of them. Can the light of friendship stand against the ultimate power of shadow?
[This is my first fanfiction. Thanks to anyone who takes the time to read it. Includes some geek moments, including video game references and a cameo from a couple graphic novel characters in pony form.]
This looks really interesting. I liked the way you managed to work horror and Pinkie Pie together pretty much seamlessly. I can only think of one other instance of THAT.
One thing-Surprise technically isn't Pinkie's sister; if anything, she's her cousin. But I like
Another thing-
In the Everfree Forest, a blonde pegasus made her way through the shadows. It was dark in the forest. The Everfree Forest was always dark, even during the day, and by now night was falling over Equestria again. But to Fluttershy it seemed somehow darker than usual, even darker than it usually was by night. It was as if the night itself had somehow gotten darker.
The word 'blonde' refers to hair, or, in this case, mane. I'm very confused. At first I thought it was Surprise.
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Thanks for pointing that out. (And for reading my story!) Anything that confuses or distracts the reader pulls them out of the story, and that's not good. (So I changed it to "a blonde-colored pegasus" and hope that works.) As for the Surprise-as-Pinkie's-sister thing, this version of Surprise is more of an OC. I'm hoping that having them as sisters serves my purpose for a few scenes in later chapters.
Thanks again.
First!
Doctor Whooves, aw yeah!
DIS GON B GUD
Mind blown.
648533 Thanks! I can never tell if I'm being effective or not, so it's good to hear.
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I'm surprised this isn't featured; this is amazing.
...d'aawwwwww
First of all, I'm enjoying the story.
Can't exactly place why I'm enjoying it just yet, but I will as I read on 
(I'm only on chapter 4). I did want to bring something up.
You were right about the references, and they aren't as bad as you made them out to be. Yes they're a bit campy, but they're funny and leave me facepalming with a smile.
Except one. It was the part where Pinkie, Rainbow, and Rarity were about to fight the Stars. Tension was building up, they were closing in. I was absorbed more in the story than I had been previously thus far. Ready to see the battle take place, I kept reading.
Then you put in that "Fighting is Magic" reference. It was like being brutally torn from the womb. Immersion was shattered in an instant and I actually had to stop reading for a few minutes to recover.
What I did like especially was the conclusion. The hope you had built up that Rainbow would be able to push through the pain and finally triumph by saving her friends. Then it came crashing down as hard as her body did. I'm just finding it funny that I'm praising you for taking away my hope, but I liked it nonetheless
(< Scootaloo definitely isn't an Angel in this one, another thing I liked but wished had more detail besides "Hurting" her).
I'll keep on reading! Let you know what I think after.
1513964 That whole fight scene was problematic for me to write. Chapters 3 and 7 were probably the ones that I had the hardest time doing. I enjoyed writing chapter 4 because I got the chance to play around with the Equestria of a thousand years ago and write Celestia and Luna as fillies, which ended up being my favorite part of writing Falls the Shadow. Come to think of it, the fun I had writing that part of the story was probably the beginning of Celestia in Excelsis. (Though the characters of Celestia and Luna are very different in the two stories, to say nothing of Starswirl!)
Thanks for your honest feedback about my silly video game reference pulling you out of the story. I'm keenly interested in what works and what doesn't for my readers. To be honest, part of the reason for all the silly references is that it was my first time writing fanfiction and I was trying not to take it too seriously in case my story fell flat on its face. I think after chapter five or so there are only one or two geek references. (Though a couple characters from a famous graphic novel series make an appearance in ponified form. Oh well, it does have a crossover tag.
)
The lack of detail for when Evil Scootaloo hurts Rainbow Dash is partly due to my own insecurities as a writer. (I wasn't sure I could do that scene justice so I left it up to the reader's imagination.) It is also due to my attempt to avoid anything too violent. (All the violence in that scene is very cartoon-like, complete with stars circling unconscious ponies' heads if I remember correctly.
This is because I really wanted to stay true to Equestria as a world where no one dies or even bleeds, which is important for the final act of the story.) Also, I have a bad habit of simplifying certain scenes or reducing them to a sentence that I think will be impactful/powerful instead of keeping the camera on the action and letting the reader watch it unfold. That is just one of my flaws as a writer (you can see it in my other stuff too, I'm afraid) that I have to work on.
Once again, thanks for bringing it to my attention so I can work on it.
And thanks for reading. Hope you enjoy the next few chapters!
This was actually a very good story, but I have to ask, who was this about; I know it said at the start that Surprise was the hero of the story, but that's not the impression I got, instead I got the impression that it was Twilight who was the main protagonist, and Surprises plot was just an afterthought, and honestly I didn't get the whole thing with Discord, it could just have just been illusions that he showed her. Anyway, I feel like most of the story was centered around Twilight, and then at the end, boom, it's about Surprise and Pinkie, and it kind of confuses me. All in all a very good story, if a bit confusing on my part.
1711901 My friend, thank you for reading this! It was my very first attempt at fanfiction, and though it has problems I am still fond of it, so anyone who reads it makes my day! Thank you.
[SPOILERS]
Twilight is the heart of the story. But Surprise gets to be hero at one important point, without which Twilight could never have saved the day. The thing with Discord is this: Surprise turned out to be to Pinkie what Nightmare Moon was to Luna. A kind of dark personality. You remember when all the Mane Six were discorded in The Return of Harmony? Well, what I tried to say was that those personalities were from Outside of Equestria. And since Pinkie makes friends with literally everyone who comes into her path, what if she somehow make friends with that discorded personality. So when Twilight used her memory charm and all the Mane Six got their colors back, Pinkie held on to that other part of herself and created a new friend out of it. In fact, she created a new sister out of it. (I was trying to play around with the fact that the Pinkie we know was originally supposed to be a white pegasus named Surprise.) So the whole first half of the story, every time Surprise appears, everyone else only sees Pinkie. When Discord appeared and tried to seduce her to the "dark side" he could have been just showing her illusions, but I honestly thought the truth of Surprise's existence was awful enough that I never even considered it when writing that chapter.
So in the end, when she decided to step aside and let Pinkie be the one in control again, she became the hero of the story (kind of) because if she had not done that, Pinkie would never have been able to convince the others that the spirits of Harmony could defeat the power of death and bring Twilight back to save the world.
I gave Surprise the last scene because I never intended her to be a tragic hero. I always wanted some part of her to survive, even if she couldn't remain in Equestria, and I loved the thought of Pinkie existing in both places at once just because, well, she's Pinkie!
(Now that I've seen the episode Too Many Pinkie Pies I am even more amused, though the inspiration for the scene was when she pulls a mirror image of herself up during the song Smile Smile Smile. So Twilight saves Equestria and Suprise, the newborn Harmony, and some aspect of Pinkie Pie go off to explore the rest of the universe.
Okay, the whole story probably could use a good edit to make it more clear and just better all around. But thank you once again for reading it. I'm glad you enjoyed it. I had a lot of fun writing it, especially the stuff with Luna and Celestia in the past (which influenced me to write the story I'm currently working on, Celestia in Excelsis), and all the moments where Twilight got to shine. Knowing someone else liked it makes me happy.
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Oh, and one more thing, I really love your portaying of doctor Whooves, with him being Starswirl and all 
, and I also like the thought of Ditzy/Derpy being a long lost princess with a shattered mind, as opposed to those who just want her to be an idiot because of her derpy eyes, and her having power over space. 
And thank you for the explaination, it makes a lot more sense to me now.
This review is brought to you on behalf of the group Authors Helping Authors
Name of Story: Falls the Shadow
Grammar Score: 9/10. I found two small mistakes while reading through the first chapter.
It should be "if you'd like," or "if you like."
There should be another quotation at the end of talking, and I'm guessing Surprise said this? Anyways, that's all the mistakes I found.
Pros:
-I can tell this is a Doctor Who fic, so you are attracting many fans of the show with it.
-The plot in the first chapter has left me very intrigued, it seems to me like you have a brilliant plot for this story.
-I like how you made reference to Final Fantasy and Skyrim.
-The fact that you included Surprise as one of the main characters interests me. I haven't really read many fics that include Surprise as a character, so I am eager to learn more about her character.
Cons:
-It is cool that video games are real in Equestria, but the technology that has been showed in the show tells us of no such things exist.
-I thought AppleJack would freak out more around Pinkie's "Master Piece."
-...I got nothing...
Side Notes:
Yeah, I couldn't really find anything wrong with the chapter. I'm fine with the video games in Equestria, it's just that some people may dislike that. Continuing on, I really thought AppleJack would think that Pinkie's masterpiece was something else and freak out a little bit. I mean come on, even though I haven't read it, hopefully I never will, the cupcakes reference was so strong I thought Pinkie actually did it in this. 
Well that's all I got. Amazing story so far,
-I thought the first chapter was brilliant, it took me forever to find mistakes, though I don't really think my cons count.
media.tumblr.com/tumblr_mbwjfbRe5z1r1vgod.gif
and I can't wait to read more... when I'm not studying that is. Well enjoy your review! If you want to read one of the fics I'm doing I have to ask if you could wait a while so I could post my new fic out. My other one I'm re-doing and my newest one is coming out soon. I'll give you a notice when it comes out.
2265289 Thanks for the review! This fic isn't actually in the Authors Helping Authors folder, so this was a surprise. It was my first fanfiction story, and it's got its problems. Yeah, it's got nerd references like video games. When I started it, I had only read a couple of fanfics, including the infamous Cupcakes, so I was trying to parody it in that Pinkie Pie scene, thinking I was being all original...
I think you'll enjoy what I do with Surprise.
And the Doctor (if you're a fan of the show, I throw in some subtle references to certain things you'll know about).
Anyway, any time someone reads this thing it makes me happy. When I was writing it I had, like, two readers or so and it was discouraging to write these chapters with so few people seeming to care. But it taught me a lot about writing, about grabbing as many readers as you can with the first chapter, and how to appreciate the readers you have, even if they are not many, and finish a story for them.
When you get to read it, please let me know your thoughts on what I did with filly Celestia and Luna, Surprise, and the climax. I am ever curious how those things went over...
And when your new fic comes out, just send me a PM on my userpage to remind me to read it. (Flanchan did this just this week.) Of course I'll read it and give it a review!
Hello, Kolwynia! I came here after reading Celestia in Excelsis, and I must say how you have improved! Throughout this story, your growth as a writer is stunning. From a beginning that was awkward, disjointed and slightly clumsy, you managed to produce a compelling and exciting story, and wrap it all up in a really wonderful, really epic, truly magnificent last couple of chapters. (adjectives!)
Your writing just has something that pulls me in. And now that I've seen how well you can do endings, even of a first fic such as this, I'm going to go crazy waiting for the climax of Celestia in Excelsis.
And of course, I am a sucker for anything Doctor-related. So major points for that.
2474744 Thank you so much!
Yeah, this one was my first attempt at fanfiction, and "awkward" is probably putting it kindly, but I'm glad you enjoyed the ending. (Seriously, every time someone reads this thing it makes me happy.)
The end of Celestia in Excelsis is a ways off, but I think it's even better than this one.
(Actually, writing the scenes with Celestia as a filly was one of the things I enjoyed the most while writing this, which is a big part of what made me want to write CiE.)
And I'm a big fan of the Doctor too.
Thanks again!