Really good, looking forward to the next chapters.

I'm liking this. Continue.

I don't usually see fiction where Starswirll took place as an antagonist which makes me interested to see where this goes. The only advice I might give is to slow down. It seems like you have much more opportunity for detail here, and it comes off as a little rushed for me.

I'll be glad to keep up with this to return the favor.

>>14359651435965>>14362791436279 Thanks for reading and commenting!  Hope you enjoy where the story goes from here!

>>14402261440226 Thanks!  You're right about the pacing.  The story covers more than a thousand years, so I'll try to balance the parts where I can slow down and the parts where I've got to move ahead at breakneck speed.  And yes, Starswirl is a bad guy.  (Though I'm sure he doesn't see it that way.)

I"m not sure why this has three negative votes already but for me at any rate it seems as if it may turn out to be an excellent story. I look forward to being able to read more of your work soon.

>>14478471447847  Thank you!  It's funny, all my stories so far have had about an 80% positive to 20% negative vote ratio.  I guess I'm being consistent?  Anyway, I'm happy to know it's being enjoyed.

nice one^^ can´t wait to read more

It's always interesting to read stories of Celestia and Luna in their youth.  Simply becuase there are so many possibilities, I would love to see more stories with Starswirl, or featuring Celestia in her younger days.  Keep up the good work.

>>15037131503713>>15040331504033  Thanks, guys!

Verryyy nice. I love this chapter. I cannot wait for more.

>>15880411588041  Thanks!  There will probably be a short delay this month because I have a whole slew of end-of-term papers I have to write for school......but I promise to write like a madman when the semester ends!

Next up: Starswirl pays a visit to an old friend...

Thanks for reading!

I still love how you are developing Starswirl to be the fallen master, and I especially love the extra mythology you've created with the Phoenixes.  Both are intriguing and so far as I know, unique!

>>17847361784736  Thanks!  I'm trying my best to be a little creative with different elements of the show's mythology, while still remaining faithful to the show's canon.  I want everything in this story to be possible within the canon of the show, so that when people read it they think: "It could have happened that way."  If I can write this whole thing without having to stick on an Alternate Universe tag, I'll be happy.

And I'm glad you are liking Starswirl.

Next up:  A lonely princess.

Favorite chapter so far. You've slowed down and gave us time to breathe and take in all the sights. I'm liking the depth you're giving Starswirl, though I am worried if it will make his character consistent. I'm expecting to see some conflict within himself due to his values and his overall plan. They do collide a bit. I do like it, a character that holds onto values that seems to be a counterpoint to his morality can prove to be an interesting one. He's catered to the last words of his past proteges while still having fond memories of them.

This could get very interesting if you continue to expand on this aspect.

No, I don't believe you're making him too evil. If anything, I'd like to see you push it a bit further.

You're using many of the established fantasy conventions (Bound spirits and the like) Which is great. It fits, considering MLP shares the same franchise as DnD (which also uses some of them).

Concerning the newest episode: It seems that the Timberwolves are possessed by some sort of spirit that gives the wood it's animation. Are you planning on doing anything with that? I could imagine it being some sort of curse conducted by Starswirl.

>>18764081876408  Thanks!  As for Starswirl's character, I have to be very careful because I'm pretty sure in the canon of the show itself he's not a villain.  I've made him an antagonist here, but I'm waiting for the upcoming season finale to Alternate Universe my whole story.  (I have a plan to avoid this, so long as Twilight doesn't get sent back in time and we get a fixed canon past.)  But yeah, Starswirl basically represents the ultimate cynicism in the power of friendship.  And Celestia has this kind of naive faith in Harmony.  And Starswirl is on the tail end of over a century of life, while Celestia is at the beginning of a millenium.  It makes for a fun dynamic.

As for the timberwolves...  Something is going on in the Everfree Forest, isn't it?  I see the Everfree as kind of MLP's version of Mirkwood (from The Hobbit).  A dark power is at work there.  Then there is that old castle where Nightmare Moon was defeated.  What's the deal with that?  That's the fun of telling a story set in the past, there's all these interesting questions that you get to offer answers to.

(Chapter Five is with my awesome pre-reader as we speak.  It's kind of dialogue-and-exposition-heavy.  Things should get serious soon, after Starswirl meets a certain grieving phoenix.)

Thanks for reading!

wow this is amazing. i can't pinpoint anything specific right now as it's 1 in the morning but when i wake up i'll (hopefully) remember

>>19115961911596  Thank you so much.

Next up: The Pony in the Looking-Glass.

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors

Celestia in Excelsis

Grammar score: 9/10 I really didn't notice much of anything.

Pros:  HOLY SMOKES... That... was... AWESOME... Evil Starswirl rocks.  The characters are completely in character, (though I wish there was a little more Celestia development)

The plot is very well thought out and draws people in.  I'm very interested in Philomena and what she will do

The mythology and history you've combined has created an excellent story

Cons:  

You need more development on Celestia and why she chose to be good

The section in which she suddenly went to see the books is a bit sudden after part with the mirror.

How does a Filly grow up so fast?

Notes: I really liked your Celestia, but I need to see more of her.  I've been seeing quite a bit of Starswirl, phoenix, but you need to do much more Celestia character development to show why she acted the way she acted.  Other than that I'm faving this story!

I would like you to read my story Canterlot: Her Creation and Her Architects, it's got quite a bit of Celestia.

>>19247011924701  Wait... taken from her by force??  Foreshadow much?

>>19321311932131  Thank you so much for the review!  And thanks for bringing the flaws in my Celestia to my attention.  What I was going for was a character who was a bit of a blank slate, not quite as interesting as those around her, then, as the story progresses and she goes through some stuff, slowly she would become more and more interesting until after a thousand years she is truly fascinating, like I think the Celstia from the show is.  (But I don't want that to be an excuse for not developing her character enough right away.  Thanks for the heads up on that.)

And Celestia hasn't grown up.  Maybe I'm writing her dialogue a bit too grown up?  (I see her as intellectual enough to be able to speak like an adult.)  But even though she is an alicorn now, she is still only a filly.  In human terms she would have been almost eleven when Starswirl took her in, and twelve where the story is now.  (Should I add a few lines here and there to remind the reader that she is still a filly?  I don't want them picturing an adult Celestia yet...)

Thanks again for the review, and for the favorite!  I will be sure to check out Canterlot: Her Creation and Her Architects when I get the chance.  (I kind of wanted to anyway since reading Remembering the Fallen.  And you never know, I might have to check out your other story too some time, because I happen to be a big fan of Garth Nix's Abhorsen trilogy.)

>>19359521935952 Yes you do need to remind us that for all her purity maturity and heart she is a filly.  Maybe link the childhood experiences more to her feelings to dew dream or her desire to get the foals off the street.  Don't get me wrong you've established her character very well.  But you have to elaborate and build from that basis gradually adding flaws such as a lack of experience.  I look forward to your next chapter in glee.

And you're a Garth Nix fan too?  :D  I love The Old Kingdom Series.  You know there will be a new book out sometime this or next year?  It's on the abhorsen Clarier... well before she became: Spoilers

Chlorr

This review is brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors

First, thank you for the review of Primoris Concordia! Now I shall return the generous favor.

Grammar Score: 10/10 (Seriously, I found only one flaw: you forgot to capitalize King Sombra the first time Dewdrop mentions him. Other than that, your grammar is spot on. Especially in the flashbacks, a lot of people tend to slip up when using present tenses.)

Pros: Great story premise! I don't read many origin stories, but I have yet to come across one that portrays Starswirl as an antagonist, so points for originality. Your descriptive writing is great without being too flowery. We can visualize what's happening without being led off on tangents. Your dialogue is excellent! I like the confrontation between Starswirl and Celestia, it was very believable.

Cons: The pacing of the story seems a bit awkward. Not the speed of the story itself, but the transition of events.Celestia receiving her wings and new powers and being bale to understand and use them so soon is a bit of a stretch. The references to the present or later events also seem a bit unnecessary. We kind of already know what Celestia will go on to do, so telling us before actually telling us seems a little redundant if that makes sense.

Notes: The quote on the cover page was an excellent attention grabber! That's a pretty surefire way to get someone's attention. The mythology you're creating for this world is very interesting and mysterious and I can't wait to read more of it. Also, I like your chapter titles. Chapter titles are important! Overall, you've got the makings of a great story and storyteller. Keep up the good work and enjoy your review! And again, thanks for reviewing my story, means a lot.

>>19379361937936  Thank you very much!  I'm really glad people are responding well to Starswirl as an antagonist.  (Until show canon reveals him to be a noble Gandalf-like character and ruins the whole thing.)

And your story Primoris Concordia: Mingling Worlds is wonderful!  This is why I'm loving the Authors Helping Authors group, it's introducing me to great stories that I never would have known about before.

>>19370091937009 That series has the best necromancer mythology I have ever seen.  And more people need to experience the awesomeness that is Mogget.

>>19392421939242 I know how you feel. I'm kind of nervous about Keep Calm and Flutter On because of future events in my story. If the rumor about Discord being a corrupted Starswirl prove true, I will flip tables.

>>19392421939242 Well crap I don't have him in my story... I like Lirael and Sabriel better to be exact.  

>>19392681939268 That better not happen.  I have a lot of "Plan B"s in my head in case the show writers do various things.  I think my story can recover from anything except Twilight getting sent back in time to find out what really happened in Equestria's past.  But...if Discord proved to be Starswirl (which, oddly enough, I thought about and considered doing), that would really mess things up.

I'm enjoying every chapter, Kolwynia. Even more so now that you've slowed down enough to give us time to appreciate everything. Her slow interactions with Page help build a character which we know to be an ancestor of Twilight. I'm predicting an explanation of why the Sparkle family is one of devoted service to the royal line (Heck, might explain why so many crests look like her cutie mark).

That leaves me on a tangent. If Marks are bound by fate, then wouldn't this be a great example of one stronger fate than many of the others? An obvious linage of service and fealty. Or maybe it's some sort of oath to service by an ancestor from so long ago that has effected the generations... Just food for thought. Or maybe a future Touchstone

Going by a comment, I too had forgotten that she was just a filly. I was also under the impression that she became a full sized mare. I do see where you have tried to show that she's still young in body (Having to hover to look Duly Noted in the eye). But if you don't mind a suggestion or two, I would add maybe a few physical obstacles. When she climbs up to the throne, know that it's a throne built for a full grown mare. I'd imagine she would have some trouble easily sitting herself on it. This could also serve as a metaphor later on.

She grew up a Unicorn. She's used to a more frail form than an Earth pony, and the less agile of a Pegasus. I'd believe Celestia would forget that she even had wings in the first place at times. Has she flown since coming to confront Starswirl? Has the thought even occurred to her? What a thrill would it be to fly for the first time just to enjoy it rather than coming to the rescue. As a filly may dream to be a princess, would a filly also dream of flight?

That also rings a fifth bell. I do love your little setup at the start, showing Celestia as a sort of vagrant on the streets. It ties into the end of the chapter, serving as a stronger motivation than that of simple pity. She has empathy of the situation.

Overall great, and I eagerly await the next chapter!

>>19476281947628  Thanks!  Your comments mean a lot to me.  Yes, Page is an ancestor of Twilight.  (And since she's Starswirl's granddaughter, technically Twilight is his descendant too.)  We will actually get to meet quite a few ancestors of characters from the show.  As for her entire lineage being in royal service...things are going to get a bit messy over the thousand years before now and then.

And I wanted to have Celestia getting to enjoy the wonders of flight, since during the battle she was too furious to do so.  But it didn't seem to work in this chapter so I had to move that scene.  I think it's going to be better where I've decided to put it.

Next chapter is going to be short, but it's with my pre-reader right now.  Thanks for reading!

This review brought to you by Authors Helping Authors

Name: Celestia in Excelsis

Grammar: 9.9/10. I found maybe 2-3 sentences in all 5 chapters that I thought could have been reworded to flow better, which is as close to perfect as I've ever seen in a fanfic.

Pros:

- You certainly have one of the most novel premises I've yet seen for ancient Canterlot history

- The writing itself is, by and large, magnificently done, engaging and epic. There are certain points that I feel could use more, and I'll discuss this when I come to cons.

- You've clearly built up a large mythology and engaging here. I smell the influence of Tolkien, which is never a bad thing.

Cons:

- Celestia's characterization. As far as I can tell right now, she is basically Pure Purity of Pureness. And while I understand that's the point of her character, it makes her unrelatable. What are her fears? What are her doubts? What is her dark side? Living as an orphan on the streets should be a immensely traumatic and damaging experience for any child, yet Celestia seems none the worse for it. She's, at the least, bordering on Purity Sue when she should, realistically, be emotionally scarred and full of self-doubt. Yes, I know the whole point of her character is to be pure, but giving her a tragic and sympathy-inducing past and making her completely and wholly good through and through seems a tad excessive. The orphan thing is just going overboard, in my opinion.

- Pacing. Chapters 1-3 feel rushed. We see barely anything of Unicorn Celestia, we have virtually no comprehension of her character or motivations. In my opinion, the battle of the three tribes, Celestia's ascension into an alicorn need a lot more description. What does it feel like to become a physical god? What is the scale, the desperation, and power of the final battle of a long and devastating war? These are things that would add so much to the story if conveyed, but you skip over them far more quickly than I would have liked to see.

- I know there's supposed to be a third thing here, but I got nothing.

Notes:

I really, strongly urge you to address Celestia's characterization above all else. It's easily the biggest flaw in what is otherwise a magnificently-written story. Expanding on her character even ties in with the the pacing. Let's reiterate: A poor, broken orphan who is terrible at magic is picked up by the main villain and becomes his chosen, but is utterly incorruptible and challenges him, dies, then is brought back to life as the Chosen One by the closest thing the universe has to God.  Then the three warring factions about to slit each other's throats stop fighting at her appearance and the army of the main villain rejects him and declares her their leader. Throughout all of this she expresses no significant self-doubt or fear despite having been betrayed by the closest thing she ever had to a friend, her world turned upside down, and going from weak and powerless filly to a physical god.

I don't want to seem harsh as I actually really do love this story, but I hope you can see how Mary Sueish Celestia is getting.

I hope you found this review helpful, you've earned my utmost respect as an author. If you have the time, I'd love for you to review my fic, Fragment.

>>19514651951465  Thank you very much for the review!  I will be revising the story soon, and taking the advice of everyone who reviewed it so far.  (Seriously, if everyone who reviews a story tells you the same thing, you know you have to address it.)  Now yours is the strongest criticism of my Celestia yet.  And...you are right.  She is too good to be true.  Her tragic past is probably a bridge too far as well, but all fantasy heroes have to be orphans.  It's, like, a rule or something.  Now, I've obviously missed the mark here concerning her character.  I think I told another reviewer that I intended her to start off as a blank slate, this kind of force of pure goodness, and become progressively more flawed and interesting as the story went on.  Well, that was a terrible idea because she should be interesting and relateable right away.  I will let the audience in on some more of her fears and doubts and weaknesses in the beginning, and try to give more insight into her feelings during and since her ascension.  That innate goodness of hers has to remain strong for the first part of the story, though.  (It is vital to an important scene in a later chapter.)  Do you think I could get away with it a little more if I lampshade it?

Thank you once again for taking the time to read and review my story.  I will certainly be taking your words to heart when I revise it.  And I will definitely review your story.  (Just as soon as I read FlanChan's, yours is next.)

>>19525321952532

There's nothing wrong with making her incredibly innately good (after all, it's the whole point of the character). But where it runs into Purity Sue territory is that she's incredibly self-confident and sure of herself despite her entire backstory making her the opposite. Celestia should have major abandonment and self-worth issues. Here are some specific suggestions:

- Make her initial reaction to finding out Starswirl's plan confused and unsure. Her first reaction should be denial ("There's no way my mentor would do this!"). And then when Starswirl shows up she questions him on his intentions and motivations, and for a time it would seems as though she is going to pick his side. But as Starswirl reveals more, Celestia begins to see through his deception, and this causes her to fight him. This way you strengthen Celestia's characterization as smart and inquisitive while reducing the incredible self-confidence and determination to more believable levels.

- Change the way she behaves before the pheonix council. Imagine if an ordinary person were told suddenly told out of the blue "Ok, we're making you the next President. Yes, right now." In a situation like that, the only proper reaction would be along the lines of "Wait what? Are you sure? Why me? I don't think I can handle this!" Anything else would imply massive arrogance, or massive ignorance. Celestia here is leaning towards the side of ignorance, but that's also bad. You've established her in Chapter 1 as a smart, inquisitive little pony, so she should be more curious about what the phoenixes are about to do to her, as well as what's going on in general.

- I think that a huge part of the reason why it's so easy to think of post-transformation Celestia as fully grown is because everyone treats her as fully grown. If she's a filly, then that should be reflected in the way she is treated. The armies should be much more hesitant about attacking a filly and they should not instantly respect her as much. Celestia should have to put a good deal more effort into gaining their respect. Celestia herself seems to have the mind of a full-grown mare at this point. Her speech and actions are all very mature. Can you seriously imagine a kid saying “I am part of every tribe.  And I won’t see another pony dead from any one of my armies.”? Maybe mention that becoming an alicorn changed her mind or something, because it's extremely hard to reconcile her being a filly with her behavior.

- Alternatively, just make her fully grown, it will impact the current storyline much less, and making her act more like a filly would remove a lot of the drama and seriousness of chapters 3-5. And then Celestia has to deal with the implications of going from child to fully-grown without ever having dealt with the teenage years inbetween. Should make for some interesting social interactions (especially romance; I see that romance tag!) later on. I think this is the better option, really, unless Celestia being a child is a major plot point.

>>19529881952988  Thanks for the advice!  (Yeah, she has to stay a filly for now, so I'll be working on that.)

This story needs more readers! It's perfect! You totally made my day. The concept, the narration, your writing skills... are all awesome. Please please keep up the wonderful work and finish the story!

>>19551201955120

There is nothing bad with making her so sure about the plan od her master being really evil. After all It's Princess Celestia we're talking about! The embodient of Harmony, Purity and All-other-Things-that-are-all-good. Make it your way! It wasn't unbelievable for me at all! So I'm not so sure if she should side with Star Swirl even for a little while.

But the point with the Phoenix Council is worth considering. I agree with Heliostorm

Also, after the transformation I automatically pictured Celestia as a fully grown mare in my mind. And I enjoyed that vision. It made sense for me. She changed,discovered the whole new meaning of life, completely new, incomprehensible power, so in  many ways she's grown up. And I was obvious for me that she behaves diffrently, more maturely. But you're the author so if you say she's a filly, than I have nothing to do with it.

Anyway I really enjoy this story

>>19589901958990  Thank you so much!  And you don't have to worry about her siding with Starswirl.  I feel that would be way too out of character.

As for the filly versus grown-up Celestia, the way I see it, the first time we see Luna in the show, after Nightmare Moon is defeated, she looks really young.  Like a teenager.  And then, in Luna Eclipsed, she looks older.  I know people have all kinds of stories about what Princess Luna was doing on the moon during her banishment, but I imagine that she was basically in stasis during her imprisonment, and only started aging again once she was freed.

What this means for the story is that I think Luna was young when she betrayed Equestria.  And even though Celestia is the elder sister, I don't imagine her being that much older.  (Essentially still in her teens, in human terms.)  So the entire beginning of the story is going to take place during Celestia's adolescence.

I will be sure to revise the story to make sure the readers aren't imagining an adult Celestia during all those scenes, and add to the Phoenix Court chapter.  (I just really like the image of an alicorn filly stopping a war, to say nothing of later, when a certain spirit of chaos shows up.)

>>19606981960698

Well,Thanks for the explanation I like it very much and I find your point entirely well-thought. And now I just can't wait to see it happen!

>>19606981960698

Hmm, I can hardly imagine that several years have passed between Mare in the Moon and Luna Eclipsed, so it's hard to imagine that Luna's age-up was natural. Didn't Faust explain it as having to do with power levels?

>>19589901958990

Being the embodiment of all things good doesn't mean that she shouldn't have some depth to her character. A protagonist that never doubts themselves on top of being kindness incarnate and incorruptible makes for a pretty flat character. Most Hero's Journey stories start with naive, self-doubting heroes that needs lots of guidance who grow into confident, learned, and powerful characters (Frodo Baggins, Harry Potter, Luke Skywalker, Percy Jackson, etc. etc. etc.). Celestia here is basically starting where most young heroes begin, which doesn't leave a lot of room for character development.

>>19684311968431 Ah, she might have.  I've also heard that she said when Luna was fully mature she would look like Nightmare Moon.  I don't know.  Honestly, I suspect there is just a continuity issue, because in the Crystal Empire episodes, the flashback showed what looked like an adult Luna next to an adult Celestia (both in silhouette) banishing Sombra.  When you are dealing with the Princesses, so little is known about them that it is fun to wonder, and make things up.  I mean, maybe Luna waxes and wanes like the moon, and sometimes appears younger and sometimes in an adult form.  (Not my personal headcanon, but it's an idea.)  This story will basically be an adolescent hero fantasy for the first chapters, so Celestia is young and Luna is...well, she's on her way.

This Review is brought to you by the group Authors Helping Authors

Name: Celestia in excelsis

Grammar: 9.5/10 (Highest I give, always room to improve)

Pros: A fantastic story

Good characters

Writing is great

Cons: can't really think of any besides the ones already mentioned.

Notes: This is an amazing story, Really well done so far. Besides what others have said, I can't really add anything. Thank you for reviewing Guardians of the Hearthfire, second chapter should be up later this week. I look forward to the continuation of this great story.

Hope you liked your review, and thanks again for reviewing Guardians.

Powerful books? One leaving an impression of dread? I could probably Charter seven guesses as to where some of that inspiration came from.

Short chapter, but a goodie. Established another character close to Page, the one who saved her life and became friends before. Makes me wonder if this friendship will come into play later on as an example to others.

I don't have much to say on this chapter besides how excited it makes me for the next one. This seemed to be a bridge that wet the reader's appetite and left a bit of wonder for what would happen next. Wonderfully done! Makes me wish I could just turn the page right now and get to the next part. But still, no rush. I sit and wait patiently for the next iteration in this engaging story.

> Chancellor Sweetmeats was about as inspiring as a pumpkin

Oi. Don't you go insulting pumpkins like that

I'm guessing this Victory is the one represent in the statue garden?

A note on style: You switch from Page's perspective to third person omniscient and vice versa quite often, and it's not often clear that you do so until after I've read what you've written. This leaves me confused and trying to figure out whether what I just read was Page's thoughts, or the omniscient narrator. For example, this paragraph:

"Did this have something to do with the Elements of Harmony?  The princess would be so happy if it did!  She could not have known that Celestia had already read the book, and that it did not reveal the location of the lost Elements.  Excited, she read the title of the other book to survive the fire."

The first two lines seem to be Page's thoughts, while the latter two are obviously the narrator. But there's no way to know that the perspective changes in the middle of the paragraph until after you've read it and comprehended it. The easy way to fix this would be to simply put Page's thoughts in first-person italics.

Moving on, I had a suspicion about that mirror in Chapter 1, and now I'm like, 99% sure that a certain somepony is coming out of it.

>>19825611982561  An abhorsen reference?  Wow you're good Kolwynia.

YES,  is the mirror going to become Luna?

>>19825611982561  Yeah, not too much happens in this chapter.  The next one will have more substance.  (But I wanted it to stand on its own and not start with the events in this one.)  Keep an eye on those books.  Oh, and later on  (several chapters ahead) you might catch something that is definitely inspired by the Abhorsen books.  (Also, if you're looking for a great MLP/Abhorsen crossover story, check out vren55's The Seven Bells and the Six Bearers.  It's only just beginning, but it's off to a great start!)

>>19826591982659  As for your guess about Victory... you might be onto something.  Yeah, the omniscient POV has given me a lot of freedom to be really heavy-handed with my foreshadowing, and get into more than one character's head in a single scene... but it has its drawbacks.  I'll try to make sure things are clearer.

>>19828521982852    Next up: The Name of the Moon.

Thanks for reading, everyone!

Wow. Talk about a solid opening! Can't wait to see where this story goes!

What a great take on the Phoenix!

Another good chapter. This one is full of character development and a bit of foreshadowing at the end. (Discord perhaps?) I've enjoyed every second thus far.

What a good way to spend a morning! Such a good story and I'm loving the 'Starswirl as antagonist' twist.

But it's time to get down to business...

A review from the one and only Authors Helping Authors!

Shall we give a name to this story? We shall, and it shall be christened: Celestia in Excelsis

Grammar: 9.2/10 (Really good, only a few noticeable errors)

Pros:

1. Starswirl as villain! (Brilliant twist and he embodies my all time favorite type of villain: the suave gentlemanly antagonist)

2. The characters feel real. I am enjoying each character you're creating. They all have real emotion and passion and true character that makes me understand them and want to follow their adventures. Well done!

3. Your world building is something to be admired. Not only could this fit into MLP canon, but it also makes for a good story and a believable world.

Cons:

4. Perhaps you've taken too much authority in your world building? (The show could seriously mess up some of your world if a new episode comes out talking about the past at all. I left this as a question because it's not really that big of a concern.)

5. Celestia is a filly. I can't imagine a filly the age of the CMCs doing the things Celestia is doing. I keep having to imagine her at about Twilight's age.

6. I guess the POV changes a lot. (Was never a problem for me, but might confuse other readers)

Notes:

An excellent story! I haven't found myself engrossed in a good read for quite some time and it felt good to really get lost in the world you've made. The cons are minimal at worst. You are an incredibly talented writer and I can't wait to see where the rest of this story leads.

If you have the free time, you may consider looking into my story The Secret of Sun Cloak. A brief warning: It's a doozy and it's currently in the process of being re-written to bring it in line with Season 3 (chapters 1-13 have been re-written and published). Whatever the case, I wish you a wonderful day and hope to see you around!

-Flame Runner

>>19853201985320  Thanks for the review!  Heh, believe me I know the show could mess me up.  I watch each episode with a kind of fear that the hammer of canon will come down on me.  Most notably, I'm pretty sure that mysterious book that was floating next to Celestia and Luna in the season three premiere was written by Starswirl the Bearded.  (I might be wrong, but it has stars and a swirl on the cover.)  And I'm pretty sure they're not going to make him a villain in the show.  I have some flexibility in my story in case the show does certain things... but if Twilight gets sent back in time and we get a canon past, my story gets Alternate Universed.  (As much as I don't want that to happen, that would make a cool Season Four premiere, wouldn't it?)

I will definitely review your story.  It is kind of long, so it might take me a little while, though.

This review is brought to you by the group, Authors Helping Authors.

Fic: Celestia in Excelsis

Grammar score: 8

Pros: The idea of making Starswirl corrupt is a nice reference to the idea that 'power corrupts'

The weaving of so many canon references, names, and ideas into one cohesive whole is expertly done.

The level of anticipation after each chapter is well-controlled. It isn't so over-powering that it feels like an annoying cliff-hanger, but the desire for the next installment is always there.

Cons: The pacing is rather jerky. It isn't jarring, but some things feel like they should last longer, particularly the beginning scene with Celestia in the library.

The jumps from an omniscient narrator POV to a character POV are not always clearly distinct.

After Celestia is changed into an alicorn, the fact that she is still a filly isn't made clear until later, causing a bit of confusion.

Notes: I've been meaning to review this story for a while now, and with an extra day off from college, I've finally gotten the chance. This is an incredible story, especially, as I stated above, with your weaving of so many canon elements. I didn't mention it above because I wanted to highlight what I thought were the stronger points of the story, but you've done a great job with both your OC personalities as well as with the personalities of canon characters we know only by name. Your take on the Phoenixes and Luna's origins are my favorite parts so far.

I don't want it spoiled too much, but the way you talk about them, Harmony and the Enemy (I'm assuming Discord here), it appears that Harmony is more than just an idea. Is there a physical embodiement of Harmony like there is a physical embodiement of Chaos?

Like and fav coming your way, keep up the good work!

Oh, derp, almost forgot. I'd like you to take a look at my story, Marks of Harmony. It's a long one, so I don't expect you to read it all at once. That'd be too much even for me!

Cheers!

Inky Jay

>>19981041998104  Thanks for your review!  I know how those college days go... it's keeping me from writing and reading as much fanfiction as I'd like, but you gotta prioritize...

I've been working on the pacing issues.  Sometimes it's hard to find that fine line between a scene passing too quickly, or just lingering until the reader is bored.  I will also be adding stuff in chapters two and three to remind the reader that Celestia is still a filly, since that is one of the three big complaints I've been getting in the reviews.

I'm glad you like my take on the phoenixes and Luna.  One of the things I wanted to do with this story is try to come up with creative and unexpected takes on things that not too much is known about in the show.  That's why I get to have serious fun with characters like Starswirl and Philomena.  Later on we get to see where the windigos came from, as well as a take on the origin of Discord.  (Thankfully this latest episode has not ruined the plans I have for the draconequus, though I'm always waiting for show canon to slap me.)

As for the questions about Harmony and the Enemy... those are questions that are absolutely going to be answered.  You are right that Harmony is more than just an idea.

Thanks again for the review!  And I'm totally going to get to your story.  It might take a little while because I have to finish Flame Runner's The Secret of Sun Cloak, and do my English homework, but it will happen!

This review is brought for the Sake and Glory of the Authors Helping Authors group.

Name of the Story :

Oh come on, I guess you know this

Gramatical Stuff :

As a Pole, I just can't tell you if it's good or not. I don't spotted any mistake, but don't consider this opinion valuable. If there are any, I don't think they are a problem.

Pros :

# Idea of Starswill being villain is briliant.

# Nice references to actual show.

# Word Building, yea! Seriously, it's masterpiece in that matter.

# This story is "catching" and your write style is really good.

# Your "Long Description" to the story is really short, but it's really well-written.

Cons :

# Well... Celestia is behaving really "adult", and in the story she is a filly... Actually, I can understand that in case, if we compare her to Alexander the Great ( taking throne at the age of 16 ), polish children during the Warsaw Uprising ( 12 years childs fighting to death... ), but still it's quite unreliable. I think this story need some more explanation stuff why Celestia is doing everything so much grown-up.

# In some situations scenes are too short in my opinion. But maybe it's because that this story is such good that we got instantly trigger "MOAR" emotion.

# Seriously, can't find any.

Sweety, sweety Notes :

The worst part of it was, that I really really really wanted to find something I could critique, but I can't find a darn thing! What in the... Kolwynia, your story is brilliant and I have no idea why this story have such low amount of likes and ( RAGE ) three random dislikes from freaking nowhere. I'm feeling bad, that I can't find a thing you could correct in your stories ( maybe my extremely bad english is involved, no idea ). I'm giving it a Like and Favourite, such is a fate of a good stories! I'm really looking forward to the next chapters of this masterpiece.

Stay Awesome

Verlax

PS. And almost forgot again. If that's okay with you, could you review my Equestria First and Only? Small note, I already know that due to my extremely bad english grama in my story is bad.

>>20297782029778  Thanks for the review!  I'm glad you're liking the story.

Those three dislikes have been with me from the very beginning.  I'm this close to naming them...  (I'm glad it seems to be holding steady at just three...)

I have already started to revise the story a bit in regards to Celestia's character.  (Not changing it, just trying to give more of an explanation for why she thinks and acts the way she does.)  This and the pacing at the story's start have been the elements of the story that have attracted the most criticism, and while I suck terribly at revision, I am trying to make the most of these wonderful, thoughtful reviews.  (And thank you once again for yours.)

(Next chapter is written.  I'm just polishing it up before sending it off to my pre-reader.)

And I'll totally read and review your story.  It might take me a little while to get to it because I'm currently reading Inky Jay's Marks of Harmony, which is a bit long (but good).  Hopefully you will have a review within the week!

This review is totally not way overdue brought to you on behalf of the group: Authors Helping Authors

Name of Story: Celestia In Excelsis (It's like a Christmas Carol or something )

Grammar: 9/10 (A couple sentences could be reworded and there was one missing quotation mark somewhere)

Pros

Woah, Starswirl as an antagonist. That's new

I really like this idea of how Celestia became an alicorn

That was just... fabulous

Cons

Those one or two things listed by the grammar score

There aren't more chapters

Uh, nothing else comes to mind

Notes

That was awesome. Just... awesome. Like woah

Image: http://th07.deviantart.net/fs70/200H/f/2012/060/f/5/princess_celestia_approved_by_ambris-d4rftlj.png

I hope this review has been somewhat useful to you!

Your Faithful Critic,

FlanChan

>>21071982107198  Thanks!  I'm glad you like it.

(And now I'm going to spend hours looking for that missing quotation mark...)

>>21082202108220

It was in Chapter 2, I remember that

I predicted this to happen ever since you introduced the mirror, but I still really liked how it was played out.

MAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I love!!!  A very interesting way to see Luna come to birth.  But again, Celestia seems... a littel old?

>>21277622127762 Thanks!

>>21279452127945 Still working on getting Celestia's personality right.  (She's such a complicated character.)  But I'm glad you liked it.

Now things can finally start to get interesting...

Next up: Starswirl and Philomena!

Beautiful!

>>21341382134138  Thank you!  (And did you see the finale?  My story survived getting Alternate Universed yet again!)

>>21349112134911 I'm glad Discord and Starwsirl are two different characters, but I think i'm going to leave my story pre-season finale. But I'm glad yours made it!

This was brilliant! Your idea of Luna's birth was just marvelous and beutiful references and descriptions turned it into a buckin' masterpiece!

The only thing that still affect the story is the Princesses too mature behaviour, but I don't give a buck about that one if the plot is just so, so, so AWESOME and ORIGINAL.

>>21375622137562  Thank you!  I'm glad people are liking this.

(And did everyone notice in the season finale that Princess Celestia mentioned that Starswirl didn't understand friendship like Twilight.  A line like that really helps my story to stay in canon.)

Woah, how do you think up these masterpieces?

Wow. That scene was gorgeous! I saw this coming since the beginning, of course that doesn't mean that I wasn't excited for it to finally happen. But how will the others react to a second Princess suddenly appearing out of thin air? And what's Star Swirl up to in that Forest? Hmm...

>>21493732149373  Thanks!  (I feel the same way when I read your dialogue and character interaction in The Generation That Even Time Has Forgotten.)  But in answer to your question... I'm a big fan of myths, fairy tales, and fantasy stories.  I like how the writers of the show have left so many things unanswered, so I'm trying to play around and give some unexpected answers to the mysteries they have left us with. (Thank you for your kind comment.)

>>21498862149886  Thank you! (Yeah, I didn't think this particular scene was going to surprise anyone, but I'm glad you liked it when it happened.  And I foreshadow a lot of the story ahead of time... but hopefully there will be a few surprises coming up.  Luna's arrival is going to be a little unnerving to a lot of ponies.  (She's not an official princess yet.  Only Celestia is, and only of the unicorns right now...)

As for Starswirl... he's up to no good, of course!  (And that is what the next chapter is all about, so...)

Thanks for reading!

Most original birth of Luna ever! Have a like just for the creativity. Good story.

>>21510892151089 Thanks!

Hello!  This group is brought to you by http://www.fimfiction.net/group/197295/authors-helping-authors

Name of Story: Celestia In excelis

Grammar score out of 10: 10 no errors I see.

Pros:  

You look into a part of Equestria history not covered in the show using your own personalities, which I always like.

You had a totaly original orgin for Luna!

I liked how Celestia became an Alicorn.

Cons (list three cons)

I'm sure this will be covered in time.  But I would like to know why starswirl tried to take over Equestria.

Luna being Celestia's relfection (I think), is she the same age or younger than Celestia?

Also why did Starswirls Phoeni act to revive Celestia?  While a nice plot device it confused me.

Notes Section:  You take a great step in looking into Equestria's past.  My concerns are will Luna's age be cannon to the shows lore?  Why has Starswirl turned against the power of friendship?  Also why did the Phoenix court take such an interest in Celestia?  

You do write a great story and I hope you keep it up.

Enjoy your review!  Please help me out by looking at my story:  

http://www.fimfiction.net/story/82632/fallen-princess

>>21619122161912  Thank you for the review!

As for Luna being younger that Celestia, I try to portray the moment she comes out of the mirror as her birth.  While the reflection has existed a lot longer than Celestia, until it was given a name, it had a shifting, changeable nature.  At this moment Luna is only a day old, and while she has a great deal of knowledge due to her origin, especially magical knowledge, she has no experience at life.  She's a newborn.  We'll actually see how she ends up looking up to Celestia as an older sister even though she has this strange magical past that stretches back who knows how far.

Starswirl's phoenix revived Celestia for two reasons, which I sort of didn't spell out (mostly because we never see things from her point of view), but they are there.  First, she was watching when Celestia offered to give up half her life to the pony in the glass on their first meeting.  She recognized that level of generosity as part of Harmony.  The second reason is part of that: the phoenixes serve Harmony, and they recognized Celestia as being somehow chosen by Harmony (because she is destined to be a bearer of one of the Elements).  That kind of comes up in chapter two, and that is the main reason the Phoenix Court is interested in her.  (There is actually going to be a lot more said about this later on.)

Yes, we will get to find out why Starswirl was trying to take over Equestria, as well as his Master Plan, which I imply that Celestia understands but haven't revealed just yet.

We'll also get to see how he came to oppose Harmony and the power of friendship.

Thanks again for your review.  I will be checking your story out soon!

" “A storm,” said Celestia.  “I don’t think we need to worry.  It’s a long way off.” "

Chills.

>>21082202108220

Ehh, I'm going to ask a really big favor here...

Since I reviewed this before I had any other stories for you to review, would you be so kind as to do an AHA review on my newest story, The Happiness and Peace of Mind Committee?

>>22517342251734  I sure will.

I think the majority of us predicted this would happen when you first showed us the mirror back in chapter one. Still doesn't take away from the creativity of it. Giving half of herself to gain a friend is something, I think, most of us would do.

I think my favorites so far are Page and Victory. I enjoy seeing them work off eachother and watching their friendship grow. I have an idea of what you're doing with the earth pony, but I'll keep that to myself to just wait and see what comes of this innate loyalty she feels for Celestia.

One thing I'm looking forward to is how you write about the social gathering planned. Politics can be a rather messy thing to write coherently but can have so much tasty intrigue and double-talk (stuff I hate, but it's fun to read and write stuff you hate as well, right?)

And now we have Luna... hmmm. I really don't have much to say about this chapter, rather that I'm waiting to see what comes next. Apologies for such a long time gone by before reading this. Things have been rather hectic and I've had to get my priorities in check once again .

Keep writing!

>>22523612252361  Thank you!  Yeah, I'm looking forward to seeing your next story.  (Looks like it's going to involve Scootaloo.)

I just got the next chapter back from my awesome pre-reader/editor.  I need to fix it up, but it's very exposition-heavy.  (Hopefully my readers can appreciate some laid back mythology-building for a chapter.  Then things get serious.

>>22536232253623 Mythology is fun, isn't it? I've got this idea involving Sirius (the star) and it's relation between Luna and Celestia. It's a good way to quickly flesh out specific believes and superstition that the world works under. Basically creating your own reason for colloquialism and the like. Legends, myths, fate.

What's best is if you manage to make them subtle enough to be picked out little by little by the readers (or players, considering Metro 2033's effect), though for this to happen, you need quite a long story.

Looking forward to it, Key That Was Lost.

I'm getting strong echoes of Til We Have Faces. Which I adore. So good work, intentional or not! I really like this origin concept. It's unique and beautiful.

That was the most perfect and lovely Celestia cutie mark story I have ever read. Not that I have read too terribly many but still. Excellent.

Lovely! I think yours is the only Celestia origin story I've ever really really liked. But now... I must wait. I hate waiting.

This story is awesome! I can't wait for more

>11:47

>School Tommorow

>Important Test

>Getting caught up on this tonight instead of sleeping

>Goddamn it

This is a beautiful story, and you should feel proud of it. I planned to just glance over the first chapter, since the premise failed to interest me very much, but I was physically unable to stop reading after the first few paragraphs. This is one of those stories with that unexplainable quality, a certain warmth and hearth that is extremely gripping, hiding just enough to make you keep guessing but without becoming obscure.

Your characters pop, being very likable and real, but still fitting perfectly their roles in the story. Celestia feels like a classical heroine, being impossibly good, but still conflicted about her role in the world, and believable despite her apparent perfection. The rest of the cast is also great, with even the minor characters feeling important and well developed. In particular, I am very curious to see where you are gonna take your Luna.

More than anything else I believe the best quality here is the writing style. It is very economic, and it feels like every paragraph is well thought and meaningful, either establishing something of pushing the story forward, even during descriptions. There is very little fat to speak of, but somehow that doesn't impact the pacing, the clarity, or the overall feeling. Combine that with some very clever word choices, and it becomes clear why I fell in love with this fic.

I can't stress enough how much I am enjoying the story so far. If you are able to keep this level of quality, and deliver on the emotional high points you seem to be setting up, you might just have in your hands one of the best fictions on the fandom.

>>22619922261992  Thanks!  That's what I wanted: to make people like Celestia!  She's so awesome.  Ah, sorry about the waiting.  That silly "School" thing keeps getting in the way of my fanfic writing.

>>22622122262212  Thank you!

>>22644182264418  Thanks.  Yep, Celestia is a bit impossibly good right now.  I would call her goodness a naive goodness though.  She has some growing up to do before she become the Celestia we know and love.  And yeah, I better be able to deliver on the emotion later on, especially the Nightmare Moon stuff.

Thanks for reading!

>>22617772261777  Thanks!  I've never actually read that book.  (And I'm a big fan of C.S. Lewis!)

Great idea!  Just one little nitpick; horses have coats, not fur.  I'm really looking forward to reading the rest!

Hey, congrats on making it to EQD!

>>18776081877608  Well, the problem with grasping the Season Finale as you have is the fact that the spell Starswirl was working on was attempting to unite the forces of the Elements.  Meaning, he was working WITH them, not against them.  He had no close friends, and so could not comprehend the depths of friendship to the degree needed to form the words of the spell.  

Also, you've made dragons part of the Enemy's forces?  

Tut tut, such speciesism!  I represent the NAASP (North American Association of Scaled People), and we shall not stand for such derogatory insinuations and implications!  The infatuation with the ultimatatum is an indication of vindication through the conflagration!  CAN I GET AN AMEN!?!?!  

Wow.

Just wow.

I am straight up surprised at how good that this is. Literally blown away.

I cannot wait for more.

Awesome storytelling, solid prose, excellent grammar, good characterization, and a story about the origin of Celestia and the life of Starswirl done in a unique and enjoyable way. Easily one of the better stories I've read on FimFic in a while.

Also, this chapter in particular. Celestia asking Luna "Will you accept my friendship?" echoing Season 1, Episode 2's finale and her words to the returned Luna. Nice work on that; adds another layer of complexity to the show and gives some weight to that phrase. Wonderful job.

Keep up the good work.

>>22659282265928  Well, the show is not explicit about what Starswirl's spell did.  Don't worry, when it comes up in the story, I promise it will work with the Season Three finale.

I was worried that the finale would Alternate Universe my story, but when it was vague about Starswirl and had that line about him not understanding friendship like Twilight, it ended up working perfectly for my story's canon!

As for the dragons... it's going to matter a bit later on.  I love dragons.

>>22658822265882  Thanks!

>>22669692266969  Thank you.  That makes me happy.

>>22670602267060  Thank you!  That's what I was going for with that line!  I want to tell a story that actually changes the way someone sees scenes from the show when they watch it again.

>>22659282265928

That's debatable, the spell itself mentions nothing about the Elements. We don't really know how magic works so there's plenty of room to stretch the effects of what we see in the show.

From one to another, another to one. A mark of one's destiny singled out alone, fulfilled.

Looking at the spell itself, it actually works pretty well with Evil Starswirl. This could be interpreted as Starswirl trying to take other pony's destinies to fulfill his own.

The pain of an impossible wish, devoured by the joy of a dream come true.

This is currently my favorite line in any story I've read, replacing "Go then, there are other worlds than these."

>>22696752269675  Thank you!  (Wow, and I'm actually a big fan of the Dark Tower books...)

>>22675622267562  You will have to consider that there must be some reason Celestia not only saved all of his work, but gave him an entire wing of the library.  

Given that his name has endured for so long, while Luna and Nightmare Moon was all but lost, he must have made some serious amends at some point.  

Celestia tends not to keep ancient dangers to herself and her ponies well known.

Heck, just look at the Crystal Empire!  That just came out of nowhere!  (cough cough... plot convenience... cough... toy line... cough cough)  

>>22721232272123  Most of his work has been saved from during his time as royal court wizard in Canterlot.  (Some of his later stuff might be more dangerous, but Celestia probably keeps it around for the same reason that Dumbledore keeps all the stuff in the Restricted Section at Hogwarts around.)  And when his name first appears in the show, Twilight asks Spike if he read that book on obscure unicorn history she gave him, plus no one got her costume, so I'm betting he is someone that scholars are aware of during Twilight's time, but no one else.

Yeah, Nightmare Moon was almost completely forgotten about and that's an important plot point.  (Though it's interesting that Zecora knew the legend in Luna Eclipsed.  Is that because of her mystical knowledge or do the zebras have reason not to have forgotten her?  Hmm...)

And it's fun to take things that the show does for the sake of toy marketing, and try to make up creative/serious reasons for them...

When Celestia came in for a landing I pictured all the troops in the armies stopping and squinting, trying to make out the form in the star that came to earth and was blinding them, preventing them from fighting.  When she said "Enough!" I imagined a wave of force emanating from Celestia, knocking and deafening down the soldiers nearest to her, disarming and stunning others in further ranks, and passing through the armies to lift up the dust and debris of the battlefield and blow it through the trees beyond, bowing them down and stripping them of their leaves.

I really enjoy the casting of Starswirl as the villain.  We all think he's this kindly magician who just writes down all the spells he knows and wears cute bells on his hat.  But that's only what history has taught the ponies, not what actually happened.  I love the way you challenge the perceptions of the reader when it comes to his existing characterization but at the same time you keep it a logical historical possibility.  I wonder what the bells are for?  Something sinister?

>>22721232272123

I don't even know why they felt the need to stipulate that it was top-secret, it's not like the Crystal Empire had any reason to come up before it became an issue. Discord didn't get any mention until he was relevant to the show either.

>>22722052272205

It seems more likely that once she came back everyone learned about it, and/or she practiced her little speech before giving it at Nightmare Night.