[ Inspired off Season 5 Finale - Nightmare Moon Verse ]
Social reject, blank flank, and failed candidate for Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns, Twilight Sparkle's life couldn't get anymore depressing even if she tried. Yet still she looks to the other things in her life to get by, such as her job selling donuts at Joe's Bakery, her best friend Smarty Pants, as well as her inspiration to someday be as great as The Great and Powerful Trixie herself! Life isn't as bad as it may seem, and she enjoys the simplicity of her daily routine, the peace of her recluse world. That is until suddenly she is targeted by the current ruling body of Equestria, Nightmare Moon herself!? Perhaps she spoke too soon. Better run Twilight, destiny is calling!
Chapters (38)
now this story rocks, this ch is why I love reading fimfiction. please update when you can and I look forward to more ch/storys
Aaaand heeeeere we go! Now that the era of one-shots has passed, it's time for longer stories that explore the finale AU's. This one is established very well, and I greatly look forward to seeing where we go from here!
I am intrigued!
Teleportation is best ability, and I sincerely hope Twilight abuses the hell out of her extreme proficiency with said ability. Dueling Trixie or Moondancer (or both at the same time (bow-chicka-bow-wow)) would be a good stepping stone.
heh lol twiligth the mage unicorn whÃt more magicpotenial than any other has yet to be found
Incredibly awkward Twilight is quite adorkable, a pretty good chapter to set up what AU Twilight has been doing and what's different about this universe.
Some thoughts I had throughout is why the hell everypony in Equestria seems to have completely turned their backs on Celestia? Celestia ruled Equestria for a thousand years and I can only imagine Nightmare Moon has been ruling for less than ten. Also Shining Armor stuck around as captain of the royal guard? I can't imagine Shining would betray Celestia so easily, but even if he did why would Nightmare Moon keep him around when he has proven he's willing to switch sides without a fight? If Nightmare Moon is using Cadence or his family as hostages for his loyalty then she'd be better off just getting rid of him and using a fanatical bat pony rather than take the risk.
Overall I look forward to seeing what's going to happen to AUlternate Twilight.
Bookmarked!
Nice start and a great setup. I'm really interested in seeing where this one will go!
Also I like the idea of Moondancer taking Twilight's empty place at Celestia's side. That makes a lot of sense.
The correct word is "Couldn't", because saying you could care less means you actually do care; at least a little. But again, that's dialogue, so the grammatical mistake is more forgivable.
Partially reading the chapter, and having the lines/paragraphs in Shining's letter (EDIT: and the other letter too) cutting at random places make it unnecesarily complicated to read.
(In other words, please only add line breaks when the paragraphs actually end)
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Thank you, I plan to give an update sometime this weekend.
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Thanks! I do hope you enjoy the ride.
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So you noticed the teleportation theme. I'm glad.
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Ironic so far, isn't it?
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I'm so glad you thought it was pretty good!
And the questions you had definitely make sense, and I definitely plan to go more into the background in regards to Nightmare Moon's brief rule and the details surrounding it. 
I hope you enjoy what's to come, I plan to explore a lot of possible themes.
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It is an honor.
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Thanks, I hope you enjoy where it goes from here!
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Thank you for pointing that out! I've gone back and corrected it!
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Thank you for the advice! Sorry about that! I'll try to find a different style when it comes to letters!
Now this has got a promising feel to it. I'm already liking how this is set up. It's funny almost, the way this is written I'd almost hoped it was a cross over with that other Nightmare Moon AU Fanfic that's been gaining steam lately. They almost seem like they could tie together.
Very well written beginning to a story with an intriguing concept. Followed!
"That's Moondancer, the infamous ex-student of Princess Celestia. She's a total mark of shame on this city ever since Princess Nightmare Moon took over. I'm surprised the Nightmare Guard hasn't thrown her in the dungeon already. As long as she's in this city, the other cities will keep looking down at us for harboring the closest pupil of the banished princess!"
Are you trying to say that all of Equestria hates Celestia and loves Nightmare Moon? Because that's what this quote implies.
6745677 the honor is mine.
Lot's of potential here. Tracking.
This looks like a start to something good
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I'm guessing if the radio station didn't make it sound that way, they wouldn't be on the air for very long.
EDIT: Looking back at the bit you quoted, I see now it wasn't on the radio, it was the ponies in the donut shop. But still. . .
BY THE WAY, that is one of the points in the story that nags at me. Radio? Since when does Equestria have radio communication? I don't think anything in the past was changed that would cause this technology to suddenly appear!
But if they are pandering to Nightmare Moon, then it could have been hinted better in the story. I can imagine the populace grudgingly going along with Nightmare Moon because they can't defeat her. But, I'm not getting a lot of "grudging" vibe from the characters thus far. Mostly it seems to be a case of "Meet the new boss: same as the old boss." Then everypony goes on about their business.
In fact, the only really negative thing I've picked up about Nightmare Moon's supposed "reign of terror" so far is that she's made days short and hot -- and even that is better than I expected. I figured ponies would never see the sun again. (And even that is optimistic, if compared with those scenarios where "endless night" is a metaphor for death!)
6746001 Or that Nightmare Moon is a tyrant who's not beneath death penalties or dungeon sentences for indefinite periods of time.
While I do agree it makes for little sense in the transition, I don't recall this story stating how much time Nightmare Moon had been in power. So with that in mind, I would argue that Nightmare Moon is probably swaying the public opinion through fear and tyranny, or something very close to the latter.
But then again, that's just how I see it.
Innnnnteresting setup! I look forward to more!
While I like the idea so far, I don't particularly like your writing style. Two major things stood out to me as I was reading.
First of all, your prose is too descriptive and not demonstrative enough. One of the most repeated writing adages is 'show not tell', and it's one you could benefit from. For example, every character introduction in this chapter describes the character in a sentence or two, instead of letting that description come through in their actions and words. You also frequently state emotional states without substantiating them. (This generally comes off as just sort of bland.) The viewpoint (as far as I can tell) is third-person limited centered on Twilight, so all of these observations should be ones Twilight is making. For example, instead of stating that the mailpony has a pitying look, describe what Twilight sees that she interprets as pity. (Or something like that.)
Secondly, your sentences are in general too long. Not all of them, maybe one in ten, but quite a few sentences have too many clauses crammed into them or adjectives tacked onto every word. If you spend too many words describing something, readers are just going to skim over it, and that's probably not what you want. (Maybe consider using more commas?)
I hope this is helpful criticism and that I'm not too vague to be useful. (I'm not an expert either, just a fellow writer who reads too many style guides.)
What an intriguing concept. Bookmarked.
This has caught my liking... Bookmarked.
This has potential.
Hmmm, I noticed somethings but nothing that really caught my ire. I was more interested in getting a feel for the story and where things are headed. I personally like it. Feels like a Dark/Adventure type story and I am a sucker for those.
The writing is good and descriptive, chapter length is enough to be satisfying, plot elements are evident and there is a direction that looks to be exciting. I will be excitedly awaiting the next chapter and will probably catch more grammatical errors or typos then since I am invested in the story.
Clearly Trixie used the greatest magic of all to become Nightmare Moons apprentice: The Magic of Buttkissing.
Also:
If that's your standard for friendship then that's actually really sad.
This looks good so far, but I think Twilight could use a little less volume. I mean, she obviously doesn't want attention drawn to herself, but she shouts a lot. That could be done on purpose, but it's jarring to read.
Twilight's depression reminds me how I was for a bit after I got turned down from the military and then couldn't get a job as a firefighter. I was really down in the dumps for a while, and even though it hasn't affected me quite to the point Twilight's failure affected her, I'm still fairly cynical and pessimistic because of it.
Hope things look up for our favorite unicorn.
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I think it's a sign of her autism.
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Good work. Not bad at all for a first chapter. I am really looking forward to the rest of this. I've been having a hard time finding alternate timelines with Twilight in them since I want to know what happens to her in these alternate lines.
The lack of cutie marks on all visible foals in the Amending Fences flashback suggests that the scene took place before Twilight got her cutie mark, which means Moondancer and Twilight should know each other here.
You asked me to provide my critiques on this. However, I have none.
So I'll just say what I liked.
Everything. I saw this in the featured box and wasn't too sure about it. But I was wrong. This has an excellent story going for it.
I can see Moondancer going all Yoda of Twilight.
I do have an idea for where this could go.
After Nightmare Moon is defeated, (Or otherwise incapacitated.) Have Moondancer and Twilight travel through the other worlds and get one of the Elements of Harmony from each. Then they come back and defeat each of the world's villains. What do you think?
Alright. I'll bite.
Let's see where you go with this.
~Skeeter The Lurker
6749011 Actually they didn't meet until after she was in school, at least as far as I understand things. I could be wrong of course.
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They (may have) met at a school, but no students were seen to have cutie marks, suggesting that the school wasn't Celestia's School.
6749266 Oh, well, that's a detail I didn't catch. Told you I could be wrong
this stories pretty good! good job!
There's a word I like to use, but it escapes me. It must be because I gave them all to you. That's right, I clearly remember giving you all of my "yes" after reading this story. Congrats, you have a fan.
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You also failed to catch the detail in my original post that you replied to, since I mentioned the cutie mark thing there too.
You have my attention
6749011 I would say the scene is a bit vague. We don't see if Twilight has her cutie mark or not, and the fact that Twilight was taking the entrance exam for Celestia's School for Gifted Unicorns without a cutie mark means that there can be a case where most of the new students(or in this case just all the other students that were in the science lab) don't have cutie marks.
Is it unlikely? Maybe, but there is enough wiggle room for someone to make that claim.
I didn't note the exact locations, but there are a couple 'to's that should be 'too's.
I really like the premise, and the characterisation of really awkward Twilight.
Some critique:
I'd like to say that the prose could use tightening, the dialogue could be snappier, and Twilight shouting at every little thing could be expressed with a little more variety. The letter was cringe-inducing. Please don't take this harshly, I like it, but it needs work before I can really invest in it.
EDIT: Like others have said, you tend to dip into omniscience, which is a big no-no. Try and stay with one character!
Other than that, great work, keep writing!
Very promising premise. I hope to see how deep the rabbit hole goes.
Hmm. I have been reading MLP fanfiction for quiet a few years by now and have found I am quite done with sad/dark/violent/dramatic stories. I like the premise of this one, and although it has a dark and drama tag it also has a comedy tag. Is it safe to assume that the drama and dark tags mainly point out to the ups and downs of your average slice of life fic? Nothing too dark or depressing?
Very interesting.
Tracked.
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6748797 <-- what he said.
6749959 Educate yourselves, then.
6750026 I don't think it said anywhere in this fic that she was autistic.....
6750030 Doesn't have to. The signs and symptoms are there. And Maud Pie was never outright called autistic, yet it's fairly obvious she is.
One of the symptoms of autism (ie, Asperger's) is issues with speech. This can include talking too loud and/or too fast.