Ponies and their human counterparts talk about various things.
Whether they're pony or human, girls have one thing in common:
They talk.
They talk about life, they talk about love, they talk about each other. They talk about the weather, they talk about movies and music, they talk about the enormous magical disasters that threaten their world.
Whether they're pony or human, girls get together and they talk. And this is what they say.
A collection of short stories that may take place either in the Equestria Girls universe or the main Friendship is Magic universe.
The morning after the Friendship Games dawned bright and clear in Canterlot.
Rarity hummed to herself as she studied her reflection in the mirror. "Ugh," she complained. "My eyes are positively puffy...I believe a trip to the spa is in order sometime soon. Perhaps the others would like to accompany me!" She clasped her hands together. "A spa day for all of us! That would be lovely!"
She picked up her brush and began brushing tangles out of her hair. After everything that had happened with the Friendship Games and that whole dreadful episode with Twilight Sparkle turning into a monster, Rarity had been so exhausted upon returning home that she had utterly neglected herself.
A nice, long, luxurious bath was in order.
Rarity shed her terrycloth robe and hung it on the hook on the door. As she turned toward the tub, her nude reflection in the mirror caught her eye. She paused, blinking, and turned her head slowly to stare at herself.
High upon her hip was some sort of tattoo, depicting three clear blue diamonds.
Shaking her head and blinking her eyes to clear them, she rubbed at her hip with a thumb. She then wet her hand and rubbed some more, then grabbed a washcloth, wet it, and vigorously scrubbed.
The tattoo remained.
After careful consideration, Rarity did the only thing she could think to do:
She screamed and fainted.
* * * * *
Pinkie Pie giggled as she examined her hips from every conceivable angle, including some that were not physically possible. "Floaty balloons!" she said, prodding the three balloons on her hip with a finger. "Wonder where they came from?"
* * * * *
Fluttershy's heart hammered in her chest as she pressed her back up against the wall of the bathroom. Cautiously, nervously, she peered out of the corner of her eye at her reflection in the mirror.
The three pink butterflies were still on her bare hip.
She squeaked and shrank in on herself, curled up into a shivering ball on the cold tile floor.
"Oh my goodness...I really hope Mom and Dad don't kill me..."
* * * * *
Applejack stared at her reflection in the mirror. Three ripe red apples gleamed on her hip.
Her right eyebrow slowly rose two inches.
"Well now. Ain't that somethin'."
* * * * *
Rainbow Dash stared at her hip, head tilted and brow furrowed in confusion. "Huh."
She scratched the tattoo on her hip—a cloud and a three-colored lightning bolt—then shrugged and got dressed.
* * * * *
Sunset Shimmer grimaced as she looked over the panicked texts she'd received from her friends. "Well, this'll be fun to explain," she said. She sent out a text to everyone, telling them to meet at Rarity's place, then set out. She stopped on the way to pick up donuts for her friends.
When she arrived, she found the girls lounging around Rarity's living room. Rarity was being theatrical, Fluttershy had her hair covering her face and was making herself as small as possible, Pinkie Pie was telling jokes and laughing, Rainbow Dash was...asleep actually, and Applejack had her arms crossed and was idly kicking one booted foot in the air.
"Sorry girls, I got here as fast as I could," Sunset said. "I brought donuts!"
"WOOHOO!" Pinkie cheered, bounding over and liberating the donut box from her.
Sunset frowned. "For everybody," she clarified.
"I know!" Pinkie said around the frosted donut she had in her mouth. She set the box down on the living room table. The others, even Rarity, each took a donut.
Sunset sat down, crossing her legs. "So...I got the impression from your texts that something's up," she said.
"You could say that," Applejack said dryly.
"Sunset Shimmer, dear," Rarity said, "I...I know so many strange things have happened to us, what with the magic of friendship giving us pony ears and tails and...and everything else, but..." She coughed, blushing faintly. "I...honestly don't know how to phrase this delicately—"
Pinkie took off her skirt and panties and shook her hip in Sunset's face. "Look!"
"PINKIE!" the others yelled.
Sunset massaged the bridge of her nose, then sighed. She stood and lifted the edge of her camisole and pulled down the side of her tights just enough to show the others the two-tone blazing sun emblem on her own hip. "I'm guessing the rest of you woke up with one of these too?"
"Yep," Rainbow said.
"You got it," Applejack agreed.
"What...what does it mean?" Fluttershy asked timidly. "What's going on?"
Sunset straightened out her clothes, then sat back down. "Remember when I said I understood why you all ponied up? That it was because each of you expressed your own true nature, the thing that makes each of you special?" The others nodded. "Well, I...didn't really realize at the time exactly what I was describing, or the implications..." She laughed. "And I really should have. Honestly, I've been away from Equestria too long..."
"So what's the deal?" Rainbow asked. "Is this like, some kind of permanent pony-up?"
"Sort of," Sunset said. "Not entirely. Not exactly." She paused. "They're, well...your Cutie Marks."
The others stared at each other blankly.
Rainbow snorted. "Our WHAT?" she snickered.
Sunset shot her an irritated look. "In Equestria, there's a special kind of magic that everypony has. It's the magic of Cutie Marks." She stood up and walked around the room as she spoke. "When a pony discovers his or her special talent, the thing that defines who they are and what their destiny is, a mark appears on their flank. It's...a big deal. Young colts and fillies can't wait for the day when their Cutie Mark appears. It's...kind of an affirmation of who you are, who you're destined to be." She looked around at her friends. "Rarity. You throw yourself into designing and creating beautiful clothes and costumes. You're passionate about sharing your love of fashion."
Rarity preened. "It's true."
"When you went on a design spree to make all those different uniforms for the Friendship Games, you ponied up. It's because you were expressing your individual style...your talent and enthusiasm for creating beauty and sharing it with your friends." Sunset turned to Pinkie. "Pinkie Pie. When you turned that sad, boring party where nobody was having fun into a bright, cheerful celebration and everybody started laughing and having a good time—"
"I ponied up because I was making everybody happy and that's what makes me happy?"
"Exactly!" Sunset smiled and turned to Fluttershy.
Fluttershy blinked, then tapped her chin thoughtfully. "I...was sharing my love of animals with Twilight, and...and showing her kindness..."
"Your kind, gentle nature and your love of animals is what makes you special," Sunset said. "So you ponied up."
"And I ponied up because I'm awesome!" Rainbow cheered.
Sunset laughed and shook her head. "No, Rainbow Dash. You ponied up that first time because you displayed your loyalty to Canterlot High, and the second time because you showed your loyalty to your friends by saving me on the motocross track."
Rainbow grinned. "Hey, I can never leave a friend hangin'."
"An' me?" Applejack asked.
"You were honest and forthright with Twilight," Sunset said. "You helped a friend in need, showed her what she needed to do and reassured her with your honest nature."
"Huh," Applejack said, shrugging. "An' here Ah'd'a thought mah special talent woulda had somethin' t' do with apples."
Sunset laughed.
"And what about you, darling?" Rarity asked.
Sunset smiled. "I...rediscovered my Cutie Mark." She chuckled. "My special talent was always magic, but...I never really understood my Cutie Mark until now." She looked at her friends. "I was destined to...to shine the light of friendship. To embrace the magic of friendship and...and harness that magic to do great things." She looked down. "I guess...it took a long time for me to understand that."
"So...what do these magic bootie marks do?" Rainbow asked.
Sunset shrugged. "They don't really do anything. They just mean you know who you are and what your destiny is."
Rainbow frowned. "That's...really dumb," she said.
Sunset arched an eyebrow. "I seem to remember saying something similar about the rivalry with Crystal Prep, and you all jumping down my throat for not getting it." She shook her head. "Cutie Marks are a really big deal in Equestria. Bigger than you can possibly imagine."
"It almost sounds like it's...puberty," Fluttershy said. Then her eyes widened, and she blushed. "Eep! Don't...don't mind me, I—"
"Actually, you're not far off," Sunset said. "Ponies usually get their Cutie Marks when they're young fillies and colts, anywhere from seven to about eleven." She frowned. "Ponies who don't get their Cutie Mark by the time they're eleven or so tend to get teased, especially if they're the only one in their class who doesn't have it yet."
Rarity gave Sunset a concerned look. "Were...were you teased for being a late bloomer, darling?"
Sunset snorted. "Puh-lease. I was one of the first to get mine." She sighed. "You know what I was like before...before Princess Twilight came here."
"Oh. You...you were the bully then, weren't you?"
Sunset sighed. "I did...give this one filly a pretty hard time," she said. She chuckled ruefully. "I've been paying for it here in this world ever since the Fall Formal, too."
"Huh? What's that supposed to mean?" Rainbow asked.
Sunset smiled wryly. "The filly I used to tease was a unicorn named Beatrix Lulamoon. Or, as she liked to call herself, the Great and Powerful Trixie."
Stunned silence met this proclamation.
"Well. How 'bout that," Applejack said.
"So," Rainbow said slowly. "Magic tramp stamps forever?"
Sunset rolled her eyes and groaned. "Yes, Rainbow Dash. Magic tramp stamps forever."
"Well, as long as there's an explanation for it that makes sense," Rainbow said. "Who's up for a Daring Do movie?"
Sunset Shimmer, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Applejack, and Spike stared at Twilight Sparkle and Twilight Sparkle.
"Well," Sunset said at length. "This is awkward."
Twilight's jaw worked soundlessly, her deer-in-the-headlights stare magnified by her thick glasses. "Buh...whuh...HUH?!"
Spike hopped off her lap and cautiously approached Princess Twilight. He sniffed at her curiously. "Huh," he said. "Well, you smell kinda like Twilight, but...you also smell kinda like a horse."
Princess Twilight's gaze fell upon Spike. "S-Spike?!"
Spike scratched behind his ear.
Sunset stood up and cleared her throat. "Umm, Twilight? Meet...Twilight Sparkle. You know, the other Twilight Sparkle."
Princess Twilight blinked, her brow wrinkled in thought. After a moment, her eyes widened. "Of course!" she said, slapping her forehead. "There are versions of all my friends and Princess Celestia and Princess Luna here, and so many other ponies I know...of course there'd be another ME here!" Tugging nervously on her hair, she smoothed out her skirt and stepped forward, offering a hand. "Hi, Twilight! I'm, well...Twilight!"
Twilight stared up at her, then slowly, numbly stood up and shook her hand. "Uhh...hi," she said. "Sorry, I'm...really confused here...why are there two of...me..." Her brow furrowed as she frowned in thought. She looked over the girls spread around her. "Waaaaaait a second. THIS is why everybody here at CHS seemed to know me, isn't it? Because of..." She looked back at Princess Twilight. "Because of you..."
"Yeah, pretty much," Pinkie said.
Princess Twilight sat down next to Sunset, spreading her skirt out around herself. "Umm, so...I get the feeling a lot has happened since I was here last."
"Boy, I'll say!" Rainbow Dash laughed. "You totally missed a repeat of the whole magic of friendship versus teenage girl turned raging demon thing!"
"Yeah, except this time you were the demon!" Pinkie said. "Well, she was, not you."
"And Sunset Shimmer saved the entire world!" Fluttershy added.
"I didn't do it alone," Sunset said. "I couldn't have done it without all of you."
Princess Twilight blinked. "Wait. WHAT?"
The girls took it in turns to tell her all about the Friendship Games, their world's Twilight, her magic-stealing device, the random magic that started popping up all over CHS, and ultimately, Twilight's transformation into a dark angel of destruction.
"So then she's blowing stuff up left and right and tearing open these portals to Equestria, and Sunset found her little gizmo and did that thing you did with your crown, only instead of ponying us all up and doing the rainbows and lasers thing, it turned her into a..." Rainbow trailed off, frowning. "Into a..."
"Phoenix unicorn angel!" Pinkie said brightly. "And then she was all like MAGIC BEAMS everywhere, erasing all the portals, and then there was like, five seconds of an epic magic duel, and then she just...won."
Princess Twilight stared, slack-jawed. The other Twilight bowed her head and looked away, shame in her eyes.
"It really was remarkably similar to the night of the Fall Formal," Rarity said.
"Except I was consumed by bitterness, jealousy, and hatred," Sunset said. "Twilight here, well...she was just drunk on power and a thirst for knowledge."
"It's true," Twilight said miserably. "I got so caught up in wanting to understand everything that...I let myself be bullied into doing something I knew was wrong, and...and..."
Princess Twilight moved over to her doppleganger and enfolded her in a hug. "It's okay," she said softly. "It's alright. I think...I think I understand."
Twilight sniffled and wiped away tears. "Thank you," she said.
After a long, awkward moment, Rainbow Dash coughed. "So anyway," she said, "Twilight here actually had a way more awesome demon form than Sunset did."
Princess Twilight sat back, a curious look on her face. "Really?" She straightened her blouse. "I...honestly can't picture myself as a demon..."
"Well thanks to the Internet, you don't have to!" Pinkie said cheerfully, pulling out her phone. After fiddling with it for a moment, she handed it to Princess Twilight, who watched in wide-eyed fascination as a video of the battle between her double and Sunset Shimmer played out. "Wow," she said. "That...that IS pretty...impressive." She shuddered. "And a little creepy."
"Kinda like seeing yourself turn into Nightmare Moon, isn't it?" Sunset asked.
"Yeah..." Princess Twilight shook her head. As the video ended, she scrolled down, reading the comments. She blinked several times. "What..." A blush crept over her cheeks.
"What's up?" Rainbow asked.
"Some of these comments," Princess Twilight said, her face growing more crimson.
"Lemme see!" Pinkie took her phone back and looked over the comments. "Oh, yeah. Wow."
The others passed Pinkie's phone around and read over the comments. Reactions ranging from deep flushes to raised eyebrows to furious scowls appeared on their faces. When the phone finally passed into Sunset's hands, she rolled her eyes and snorted.
"Yeah, pretty much what I expected," she said. "I've been listening to everyone talk about what happened that day. After everything calmed down, well..." She handed Pinkie back her phone. "Kids can't stop talking about that day. They try not to say anything around any of us, but I hear stuff. They're calling Twilight's corrupted form 'Midnight Sparkle', and, well..." She chuckled. "She's...kinda popular with the boys around here."
"You don't say," Rarity said dryly.
Twilight, who had not gotten her hands on the phone as it went around, looked up, blinking. "What...are they saying?"
The others looked around at each other nervously. "W-well," Fluttershy stammered.
"Ah dunno how t' put it," Applejack hedged.
Pinkie rolled her eyes. "The guys at CHS think Midnight Sparkle was really sexy," she said.
Twilight blinked, then blushed furiously. "S-sexy? R-really?"
"Well, it makes sense," Rarity said, pulling out her own phone and calling up the same video. "There is a certain...dark, seductive appeal."
"Like a succubus!" Fluttershy piped up.
Everybody stared at her.
Fluttershy shrank into herself. "What?" she said meekly. "I study mythology..."
Twilight ducked her head, her cheeks burning from the intensity of her blush. "S-succubus? Did I really look...?"
The other girls looked at each other and shrugged. "Yeah, kinda," Rainbow said.
"A bit, yes," Rarity agreed.
"You totally sucked that bus!" Pinkie added.
Now it was her turn to draw odd stares from the other girls.
"Oh COME ON!" Pinkie cried, throwing her hands up. "I've been waiting YEARS for a chance to get to use that line!"
Twilight looked down at her lap. "I don't know if I'm comfortable with the biggest mistake I've ever made in my life being some kind of...adolescent sex symbol."
"You're absolutely right, darling!" Rarity said firmly. "We must correct this by making the real you an adolescent sex symbol!"
Twilight looked up in alarm. "N-no!" she cried, waving her hands around frantically. "I don't want to be a sex symbol of any kind!"
"Oh, but you have such a pretty face, and a nice body, and beautiful hair...there's just so much there for me to work with!"
Twilight scrambled over to Sunset and hid behind her. "Help me," she whimpered.
Princess Twilight seized one of the girls' phones and watched the video again. "You know," she said slowly, "this gives me an idea for next Nightmare Night."
"What, going as Midnight Sparkle?" Sunset said, laughing. "Yeah, I can see that."
Princess Twilight grinned. "Actually, I was thinking more becoming Midnight Sparkle. Just as a prank. Bet I can really freak out Princess Celestia."
Sunset blinked. "Wait, what?"
Princess Twilight's grin took on a slightly manic, disturbing edge. "I owe her big time for that stunt she pulled at the last Grand Galloping Gala..."
"Uhh...Twilight?"
"AND the gala before that..."
"Twilight."
"And that whole thing with her stupid pet bird from a few years ago, I haven't forgotten about THAT..."
Sunset sighed. "Don't forget to take the journal with you when she banishes you to the moon..."
Fluttershy looked up at Sunset Shimmer from her biology notes. The two girls were studying together at Fluttershy's house; the rest of their friends were all busy with other things elsewhere. "Of course."
"It's...kind of personal, and I don't want to offend you or upset you," Sunset hedged.
Fluttershy smiled. "It's alright. Go ahead."
"Well..." Sunset paused, tapping her pen on her notebook. "Something's been bugging me for a while now. I've noticed, well...you never wear a bra. I was just wondering..." She trailed off.
Fluttershy's cheeks turned faintly pink.
"It's just...you're always so shy and so afraid of people staring at you. I mean, you ran away from a spotlight at the Battle of the Bands. But you go around without a bra and wearing tank tops that call attention to it, and..." Sunset shook her head. "I just can't figure it out."
Fluttershy ducked her head and toyed with her hair. "I just...don't like bras," she said. "They're not very comfortable and they cut into my shoulders and leave ugly marks. I'm more comfortable without one, and..." Her blush deepened, and in a meek, subdued voice, she added, "and I think I look better this way, too." She looked up at Sunset and laughed quietly. "I sound silly, don't I?"
Sunset shook her head. "Not at all. Every girl has a right to take pride in her appearance, and you're very pretty."
Fluttershy played with her hair, a coy smile on her face. "Thank you."
"Isn't it..." Sunset paused, frowning. "I mean, I had to train myself to wear a bra after I got here, because having these—" she gestured at her own chest— "was a new experience for me, and..."
"And yours are pretty big, yeah." Fluttershy's eyes widened, and she let out a squeak. "Ah! I'm sorry, I didn't—"
Sunset waved a dismissive hand. "Nah, it's cool. So...?"
Fluttershy shrugged. "Mine just never really bother me. Not enough to put up with wearing a bra." She looked back down at her notebook. "I mean yeah, I get some pervy looks from boys sometimes, and...and I hear some of the less nice girls at school snickering sometimes, but..." She looked back up at Sunset. "It's my body, it's my choice, you know?"
Sunset raised an eyebrow. "That's...usually something you hear people say about abortion, not whether or not to wear a bra."
Fluttershy let out a startled yelp which made Sunset giggle, then furiously turned her attention back to her notes. Sunset shook her head, smiled, and did the same.
"So, Fluttershy, there's something I've been meaning to ask," Rarity said as she leaned back against the edge of the hot tub.
"Yes?" Fluttershy asked as she adjusted the towel wrapped around her mane.
"Does Discord, err...fancy you?"
Fluttershy's irises shrank to pinpricks, and her muzzle crinkled cutely in surprise. "Wh-what?!"
Rarity turned to her, fluttering her eyelashes. "It's just something I've been wondering about, darling," she said. "He does seem to spend an inordinate amount of time fawning over you, obsessing about you, and generally trying to earn your approval."
"W-well...I'm the first real friend he's ever had!" Fluttershy said. "My friendship is important to him!"
"Yes, indeed," Rarity said. "I'm just wondering if perhaps it's more than that." She tilted her head. "After all, he certainly has more friends now, even if some of us still aren't....quite as comfortable with him as you are." She paused to collect her thoughts. "I've been thinking about it ever since that awful business with Tirek. He did specifically single you out as being worth the sacrifice Twilight made."
"W-well..."
"And he spends more time with you than with anypony else."
"Y-yes, but..."
"And let's not forget how he went insane with jealousy at the Gala," Rarity said. She grimaced. "Yes, let us never forget that debacle..."
"Now, Rarity," Fluttershy said gently. "Just because Discord prefers my company, and gets a bit...attached...that doesn't necessarily mean he has some kind of crush on me!"
"It doesn't mean he doesn't, either," Rarity pointed out.
Fluttershy blinked, then sank lower into the tub.
"Of course, I suppose having a marefriend would go a long way towards settling him down," Rarity mused.
Fluttershy let out a funny squeak.
"I mean, every stallion needs to be broken, even if he isn't exactly a stallion."
Fluttershy gave Rarity a chastising look. "That's really outdated, sexist thinking," she said.
"Oh...oh dear. Forgive me," Rarity said, having the good grace to look sheepish. "I suppose that was my grandmother talking just now." She shifted in the tub. "Still, Discord does need a firmer hoof than most."
"He needs room to be himself without being judged," Fluttershy said. Quietly, she added, "I mean, as long as he's not hurting anypony. He can actually be pretty funny..."
Rarity raised an eyebrow. "And now you've got me wondering if you don't perhaps fancy him a bit..."
"Oh, look at the time! I've been in the tub too long! I really need to get home and, umm...water the bear and feed the garden!" Fluttershy flew up out of the tub, spraying water everywhere, shed her towels, and quickly left the spa.
Rarity followed her exit with a knowing smirk. "Something in satin with a medium train, I should think..."
Five fillies sat in a circle in the Cutie Mark Crusaders' clubhouse, deep in contemplation of a weighty matter, one which had far-reaching implications. Truly, it was a question that could very well affect the fate of all Equestria!
"So...are they badges or are they shields?" Scootaloo asked.
"Hmm. Crests," Apple Bloom said thoughtfully. "Ah kinda like that..."
"I don't like crests," Sweetie Belle says. "It sounds too...snooty. Stuck up. Fancy noble families have crests. Those big private schools in Canterlot have crests." She looked at her own flank. "I say they're badges."
"Why would they be badges?" Scootaloo asked. "What are we, the Cutie Cops?" She flexed her wings. "I think they're shields. Shields are awesome. Shields are strong."
Apple Bloom gave her a sidelong glance. "Scootaloo, just 'cuz you an' Rainbow Dash read Captain Equestria together..."
"It's got nothing to do with that!" Scootaloo insisted. "Just...think about it! Shields protect things! Well...we're protecting ponies from, umm...from not knowing how to be happy with themselves! Or something."
The fillies thought about that for a moment.
"Crests are prestigious," Diamond Tiara said. "Crests say 'this pony is important'."
"Yeah, an' that's th' kinda thinkin' that made your mom th' way she is," Apple Bloom pointed out.
Diamond Tiara winced. "Point taken."
Apple Bloom sighed. "Sorry," she said, folding her ears back.
"No, it's...it's alright," Diamond Tiara said. "I guess...I'm still trying to decide which of the things she taught me are worth remembering, and which I'm better off forgetting."
"You know, now that I think about it," Silver Spoon said, "badges make more sense. Think about, like...merit badges."
"Hmm," Apple Bloom said thoughtfully. "Not sure that logic works, but Ah do like badges better than crests."
"But do you like badges better than shields?" Scootaloo asked.
"They really do look more like shields," Diamond Tiara said slowly.
The fillies sat in silence for a long moment.
"Maybe we should ask some of the boys what they think," Silver Spoon suggested.
"Not so sure Ah want th' boys inspectin' mah flank," Apple Bloom said. Sweetie Belle giggled; Scootaloo and Silver Spoon snickered.
"You know, though," Diamond Tiara said, "I think you'd be less worried about what to call them and more worried about what the part that's different says about each of you."
Apple Bloom shrugged. "That's easy. Ah'm an Apple, an' Ah love mah family."
"I like to sing," Sweetie Belle said. "And...I guess maybe I've always wanted to be on Bridleway one day? Even though my first play was kind of a flop."
Scootaloo glanced back at her flank, frowned, and shook her head. "I got nothin'," she said. "But that's okay because I know who I am."
"Wow, you three really are Cutie Mark experts," Silver Spoon said.
"Well, Ah dunno about all that," Apple Bloom said. "We still can't figure out if these are badges, crests, or shields."
Fluttershy's homework was spread out in front of her on the cool grass of the park near Canterlot High. Rainbow Dash lounged nearby, thumbs twiddling on the controls of her portable video game, a bored expression on her face.
"Hey Fluttershy," Rainbow said suddenly, "do you ever...y'know?"
Fluttershy looked up. "Hm?"
"Y'know," Rainbow said, making a vague hand gesture. "Y'know?"
Fluttershy's eyes widened. "Oh my goodness," she said. "No, I don't...y'know..." She swallowed heavily. "Do you...y'know?"
"Yeah," Rainbow said tonelessly. "I...y'know, y'know?"
"Oh."
Sunset walked over, holding a slush in one hand, and slung her bag onto the ground as she sat down. "Hey, what're you two talking about?"
"Oh, y'know," Rainbow said with a shrug.
"Rainbow Dash was just telling me that she..." Fluttershy ducked her head. "Y'know."
Sunset blinked and looked at Rainbow. "Seriously?"
"Well, y'know," Rainbow drawled, waving one hand in a 'more or less' gesture. "How about you? Do you...y'know?"
Sunset frowned and shook her head. "Not really," she said. "I mean, it's not something I really...y'know?"
"Yeah," Rainbow agreed listlessly.
The girls fell silent again.
Pinkie Pie bounced up to them, holding two boxes of cupcakes. "Hey girls!"
"Hey Pinkie Pie," Sunset said. "What's up?"
"Oh, y'know," Pinkie said, sitting down. "What about you?"
"Eh, y'know," Rainbow said. She glanced at Pinkie. "Hey. I bet you...y'know."
Pinkie blinked. "Well, duh!" she said. "I mean, who doesn't...y'know?"
"These two don't," Rainbow said.
"Whoa, seriously?" Pinkie asked.
"Well...y'know," Sunset said, blushing.
Pinkie shook her head and sighed. "Y'know..."
"Howdy y'all!" Applejack said as she joined the girls. She snagged a cupcake and sat down. "Mighty nice out here, y'know?"
"It's a lovely day, yes," Fluttershy said.
Rainbow gave Applejack a long look, then slowly grinned. "Hey AJ. I bet you...y'know."
Applejack chuckled. "Shoot, y'know Ah...y'know."
"Really?" Sunset asked. "You...y'know?"
Rarity joined the group just as Applejack took off her hat and scratched her head sheepishly. "Well, y'know whut they say about...y'know."
"Ugh, is Rainbow Dash STILL going on about...y'know?" Rarity said disgustedly, glaring at Rainbow. "Honestly!"
"You're just mad because you...y'know...and you're too stuck up to admit it."
"I most certainly do NOT...y'know!" Rarity cried with a dainty sniff. "Not all of us are like you, Rainbow Dash!"
"Sure you are," Rainbow said indifferently, shrugging. "Sooner or later, everybody...y'know."
"Y'know what?" Sunset said. "This is getting old. Let's just..."
Twilight Sparkle rushed up to the group, face flushed and sweaty. "Girls! I need help with..." She looked around, adjusted her glasses, crouched down, and squeaked, "...well...y'know!"
Rarity rolled her eyes. Rainbow laughed. Sunset shook her head and chuckled.
"Yeah...we know!" the girls all sang out, before falling over laughing.
Twilight blinked. "Umm...did I miss something...?"
"I gotta say, Spike, you've got a pretty neat comic collection."
Shining Armor was in Spike's room, looking at a bookshelf full of comics. Some were in bags, but most were loose, dog-eared, and well-read.
"I've got five years' worth of Power Ponies issues," Spike said proudly. Then, with a slight frown, he added, "It took me a while to rebuild my collection after Tirek blew up the library."
Shining Armor winced. "You know, I never actually even got to see the Golden Oak Library." He rubbed the back of one fetlock with the other hoof. "Some brother I am, huh?"
"Eh, you've been busy. Twilight understands. Besides, how often does she make time to go up to Canterlot to visit Mom and Dad?"
"That's true." Shining Armor shrugged and went back to perusing Spike's collection. "Huh, haven't seen this one before." He pulled one comic out with his magic and examined the cover, tilting his head. "The Ultra Friends?" The cover depicted two unicorns, a teenage dragon, a buffalo, and a pegasus in superhero costumes.
"Oh yeah! They just started running that comic last year," Spike said. "I've got every issue so far."
Shining Armor frowned. "Sounds kinda...weak." He raised an eyebrow. "And a buffalo superhero, really?"
"Hey, don't diss Longshadow!" Spike said. "He can grow to any size!" Spike walked over and took the book, spreading it open on his reading table. "And this is Wind Dragon. He's got tornado breath! And he's not a jerk like most teenage dragons. Well, not much of a jerk. He can be kind of a jerk sometimes, but his teammates keep him from being a total jerk."
"Tornado breath, huh?" Shining Armor mused. "That's cool. What about the rest?"
"The two unicorns are brother and sister, their names are..."
* * * * *
"Downpour, Shifter! We need to get these ponies out of here!"
Las Pegasus was a total disaster area. A giant mole monster had dug hundreds of tunnels under the city, and then erupted out of the ground. The weight of the city above was too great for the weakened ground, and fissures had formed everywhere. The city was sinking; gas lines had caught fire, buildings were collapsing, and ponies were running around in a panic.
"We're on it!" an effeminate pale blue unicorn stallion with a long white mane said. His horn began to glow pale gold. "WAVES!"
Next to him, an identical unicorn mare lit her horn. "URSA MAJOR!"
The mare transformed into a giant, pale blue, translucent bear, while the stallion turned into a tall, white-capped wave of water. "Hold your breath, folks! My brother and I will get you out of here!"
The wave washed over a small crowd of ponies, sweeping them up and carrying them out of the disaster zone. The Ursa scooped up dozens of ponies in her claws and ran after the surging wave. Once they'd reached the safe zone, they deposited their payload of soaking wet, terrified ponies and returned to their original unicorn forms.
Meanwhile, back in the disaster area, a giant buffalo butted his head against a ten story building that was trying its best to topple. He grunted in effort and grew larger, pushing against the side of the building.
"It's no good!" he bellowed. "It has to come down!"
"If you can hold it, I can collapse it!" A white dragon with red spines and wings flew up the side of the building and reared back, unleashing a spinning column of glowing breath that struck the center of the roof and tore through. The tornado ripped apart floor after floor, crushing support columns. When Wind Dragon finally ran out of breath and had to stop, Longshadow took one step back, then rammed the building. It imploded with a loud whump, raising a cloud of dust.
Elsewhere, a pegasus in a modified version of a Wonderbolts flight suit, with huge black shades instead of flight goggles, was raining a storm of electricity on an agitated mole monster...
* * * * *
"They're really more about saving lives and helping ponies than fighting supervillains," Spike said, "but they're pretty cool, and they help the Power Ponies a lot!"
"Unicorn twins that can turn into animals and water?" Shining Armor asked skeptically. "I dunno, those don't really sound like useful powers. And this 'Juice' guy doesn't sound like anything special for a pegasus. I kinda like the dragon and the buffalo, though!"
"Yeah, they're my favorites too," Spike said. "But Downpour and Shifter are fun. They're kind of the heart of the team. Like Humdrum!"
At the door, unnoticed, Twilight and Cadance smiled, then trotted away. "Boys," Cadance said.
"I know, right?" Twilight giggled. "Still, I gotta admit, comic books can be pretty fun once in a while. Hey, did I ever tell you about the time Spike found that enchanted comic book and me and my friends all got sucked into it?"
Seven girls in jeans and sweaters sat around a nicked, chipped old table in Applejack's living room. The furniture was old, worn-out, and mismatched, but comfortable, and the whole house smelled of apples. A merry fire crackled in the ancient brick fireplace, and though the stockings had been taken down the day before, the holiday decorations were still hanging all over the house.
Sunset Shimmer took a sip of her hot apple cider and smiled, humming appreciatively. "This is nice," she said.
Applejack grinned. "Granny's special recipe."
"Not the cider," Sunset said. "I mean, yeah, the cider's great. What I meant was...all of this. Everything." She gestured around. "Spending the holidays with friends around a fire, just enjoying each other's company."
"What was Christmas like where you're from?" Twilight asked curiously, wiping her glasses on her sweater.
"Well, back there, it isn't called Christmas, it's called Hearth's Warming." Sunset took another sip of cider, then told the girls the story of the founding of Equestria, the bitter feuding of the three tribes, and the Fire of Friendship that drove away the Windigos. The girls listened in rapt attention.
When Sunset was finished, she finished her cider, then said, "The way we celebrate is pretty much the same, though. I mean, there are some differences. In Equestria, we hang hoofmade dolls instead of stockings. The traditional dishes for Hearth's Warming dinner are different. There's a flag we raise." She shrugged. "Little differences." She fell silent, a wistful look on her face.
"Sunset? What's the matter?" Rarity asked.
Sunset sighed and looked down at her empty mug. "Sorry, I was just...thinking about the last time I spent Hearth's Warming with my family." She chuckled dryly. "I was eight. It was the year before I left home to study at Celestia's school. They wanted me to come home for Hearth's Warming, but I was so wrapped up in everything I was learning, I just..." She ran a finger along the lip of her mug.
"I haven't seen Mom and Dad in ten years," she whispered. With a sniff, she added, "Until...until just now, I haven't even thought of them..."
Tears welled up in her eyes. Pinkie and Twilight immediately moved to her side, wrapping their arms around her and hugging her tight.
* * * * *
Five days later, Sunset Shimmer stood, shivering, in the courtyard of Canterlot High School. A fine layer of snow dusted the ground, and the chill seeped through her coat, muffler, and gloves. "W-why are we h-here again?" she asked, teeth chattering.
Her friends stood with her, all similarly afflicted by the bitter cold that had settled in early in the day on New Year's Eve. "It's important," Pinkie said softly. "Just trust me."
The base of the ruined statue began to glow. Three people stepped out. In the center, wearing the same clothes she always wore upon emerging from the portal, was Princess Twilight Sparkle. The others were a man and a woman in their early forties. They stumbled as they exited the portal. Twilight held their hands and steadied them.
Sunset stared at them, eyes wide with shock and disbelief. They looked at each other, surprise and shock written on their faces as they each felt their own foreheads and noses. Then, they turned to face the girls gathered on the snowy lawn ahead of them.
They gasped.
Sunset took a shaky step forward, feeling her lip tremble.
Sunset Shimmer was all smiles when she arrived at Applejack's place for band practice.
"Howdy Sunset," Applejack waved from where she was tuning her bass. She tilted her head. "You're grinnin' like a hound dog that jes' found a whole turkey in th' trash."
"Did something good happen?" Rarity asked.
Sunset nodded happily.
"How can something that awesome have happened between you leaving school and you getting here?" Rainbow wondered. "It's only been like...twenty minutes!"
Sunset did an excited little hop as she sat down on a spinning stool. "I just got some amazing news from Twilight!"
That got the others' attention. They stopped what they were doing and crowded around her. "You got a message from Twilight?" Fluttershy asked.
"Did she find an amazing new dress?"
"Is she throwing a really big party and we're all invited?"
"Did she win a big game?"
Sunset rolled her eyes at her friends. She glanced at Applejack. Applejack scratched her head. "Whut?"
"Aren't you going to ask a ridiculous question that has nothing to do with why Twilight wrote to me?"
"Oh," Sunset said sheepishly. She coughed into her fist. "Well...Twilight's going to be an aunt."
The others gasped sharply. "WHAT?!" Pinkie exclaimed.
"Oh my," Fluttershy said, smiling. "That's amazing!" She tilted her head. "I didn't know she had a sister."
"Brother," Sunset clarified. "Her older brother Shining Armor is married to Princess Cadance." She tilted her head. "Funny, I only remember seeing Cadance around the castle a few times when I was there. I guess maybe I heard she had a reputation for being really nice?" She shook her head. "Anyway. Twilight just found out Cadance is pregnant."
"That's so awesome!" Rainbow declared.
"A new baby in the family," Rarity breathed dreamily. "That's quite wonderful!" She paused, tilting her head. "But to be an aunt at such a young age..." She frowned mildly. "I can't quite picture myself being a teenage aunt."
Sunset blinked. "Umm...Twilight's...not a teenager," she said.
"She sure looked like she was our age," Applejack added, nodding.
Sunset shook her head. "That's part of whatever the portal does to us," she said. "I don't know why ages are all screwed up in this world and neither does Twilight, but neither of us are the same age as you girls."
"Well, Twilight's twenty-three," Sunset said. "I know because I asked. I was curious, since I know the portal messed with me and for some reason I don't seem to be aging right on this side."
The others blinked. "She's...she's twenty-three?" Rainbow asked. "Like, old enough to vote, drink, all that good stuff?"
"Well, old enough to be one of the four alicorn princesses of Equestria at any rate," Sunset said.
"Huh," Applejack said. She raised an eyebrow. "So, uhh..." She trailed off pointedly. The girls all leaned in, peering intently at Sunset.
Sunset recoiled, blinking. "What?"
"Come on, darling," Rarity drawled. "Dish. How old are you really?"
Sunset's eye twitched. "Eh...heheheh..."
"Are you older than Twilight?" Rainbow asked.
"Well...yeah?"
"Are you older than Granny Smith?" Pinkie asked with a silly leer.
"What? No!"
"Are you a Christmas cake?" Fluttershy asked.
Everybody blinked at her.
"Am I a what?" Sunset asked, tilting her head.
Rainbow groaned. "Fluttershy, you're reading too many of those Neighponese comics again."
"But I like them!" Fluttershy whined.
Applejack rolled her eyes and shook her head. "Out with it now, Sunset," she said. "Jes' how old are you?"
Sunset gave Fluttershy one last dubious stare, then sighed. "I'm twenty-nine," she admitted. "Pushing thirty really soon."
The others gasped dramatically.
"No wonder your boobs are so huge!" Pinkie exclaimed. Sunset crossed her arms over her chest defensively and blushed.
"That explains why your voice and style are so...mature," Rarity added thoughtfully, shooting Pinkie a sidelong glance.
"Seventeen going on thirty," Rainbow stage-whispered, snickering.
Sunset facepalmed. "Can we get back to the whole Twilight-being-an-aunt thing, please?" she asked.
"Oh, we simply must have a baby shower!" Rarity exclaimed, going starry-eyed.
"Yeah! Maybe after the Friendship Games!" Pinkie added excitedly. "Ooh! You think this sister of hers would want to come here for it?"
"Proooobably not a good idea for a pregnant mare to go through the portal," Sunset said. "Maybe we could go over there to have it! Or at least send cards and gifts through the portal..."
The girls spent the rest of band practice talking excitedly about the prospect of a baby shower, with only the occasional return to the topic of Sunset's real age.
Twilight Sparkle giggled at the sight of Pinkie Pie with a slice of pizza hanging out of her mouth by the crust, then tossed the journal full of scribbles and failed attempts at writing a musical counterspell into a drawer of the bedside table and followed Pinkie Pie to the kitchen, where her friends were all gathered around three large, flat cardboard boxes spread out on the old, nicked kitchen table. Most of the girls were holding paper plates, on which Rarity was slowly placing hot, gooey wedges of pizza with a spatula. Rainbow Dash already had a half-eaten slice of pizza in one hand and was chewing enthusiastically. Fluttershy was gingerly picking jalapeños off a slice on her plate with a slight frown.
"Twilight! Grab a plate, I'll serve you just as soon as I'm done with Sunset's portion," Rarity said.
"Thanks," Twilight said, taking a paper plate off a stack on the counter. She eyed the pizzas in the box. One of them was loaded with mouthwatering vegetables: mushrooms, red onions, green and red bell peppers, black olives, and jalapeños. Another had nothing but pepperoni and bacon on one half, and sausage, onions, and mushrooms on the other. Still another had ham, onions, and pineapple on one half, with pepperoni, sausage, ham, bacon, and chicken on the other.
"Ah think yer gonna like this, Twilight," Applejack said with a grin as she grabbed a soda from the fridge. "Bet y'all ain't got nothin' like pizza back in magical pony world."
Sunset raised an eyebrow. "We do have pizza in Equestria, AJ," she said.
"Well, yes," Twilight said, "but I've never actually had it myself. It's really more of a Manehattan thing, and I've only been there once." She shrugged. "None of the restaurants in Ponyville make it, and Canterlot sort of..." She trailed off, glancing at Sunset.
Sunset rolled her eyes. "The snobs in Canterlot actively discourage 'pedestrian food' except for donuts and coffee," she finished.
"Oh," Applejack said, deflating a bit. "Well...you're still gonna like it." She took a bite of her own pizza and moaned in delight.
"It does look and smell pretty good," Twilight said.
"Umm...just be careful, some of these have meat," Fluttershy said quietly. "Most of them actually..."
"I can see that," Twilight said. "Ham, bacon, and I'm guessing anything I don't actually recognize is probably meat." She shrugged. "The ham and pineapple one looks pretty good, I think I'll try some of that."
"Oh, you'll love it," Sunset said.
Fluttershy blinked. "Wait. You're...you're going to eat meat?" She withdrew a step. "But...but you're a—"
"Pony? Yeah, but I'm not when I'm here, right? When in Roam!"
"That's the spirit!" Rainbow crowed, finishing off her first slice of the really meaty pizza.
"But it's just that, well..." Fluttershy glanced at Sunset.
Sunset grimaced. "I, umm...may have mentioned that cows talk where we come from."
"Oh," Twilight said. She shook her head. "Well, yeah, but ham comes from pigs, so it's okay."
This drew a shocked gasp from Fluttershy. "Y-you eat...y-you eat p-pigs? When they can—"
Twilight raised a hand and smiled gamely. "Nonono! Pigs don't talk back home," she said. "And, well..." She scratched the back of her left leg with the toe of her right slipper. "We...kinda...do eat ham and bacon and stuff in Equestria."
"But...y'all are horses," Applejack said slowly, pausing in her own enjoyment of her pizza. "An' horses can't..."
"It's not really good for us," Sunset said. "Kinda like how deep fried carnival foods aren't really good for humans, but every time I go to the county fair, I see dozens of people scarfing that crud down."
"Because it tastes so good oooooooh," Rainbow said slowly. "Yeah, I can see your point."
Rarity placed a slice of the ham and pineapple pizza on Twilight's plate, then a slice of the vegetable pizza. After she served herself and grabbed two napkins and a plastic fork, the girls all sat down in the living room. Twilight studied the pizza for a long moment, watching how the other girls ate it, then gingerly picked it up, adjusting her grip when the narrow end of the slice started to sag. She took a tentative bite. Her eyes widened.
"Oh wow," Twilight said after she swallowed. "This is good!"
The other girls watched with amusement as Twilight quickly scarfed down the rest of the slice, then licked her fingers clean, wiping sauce from her lips with her thumb and licking it off. Sunset snickered and passed her a napkin.
"Ah do believe th' princess here likes pizza," Applejack said with a grin.
Rarity delicately cut a bite of pizza with her fork, eyeing Twilight with a furrowed brow. "Twilight...darling..." She clicked her tongue disapprovingly. "Your table manners, really..."
"Oh, lay off, Rarity!" Rainbow said as she picked up some greasy meaty toppings that had fallen off her pizza with her fingers and popped them in her mouth.
"Rarity," Sunset said in a chiding tone, "Twilight still isn't really used to having hands, and unicorns usually use their magic instead of their hooves when they eat anyway. Cut her some slack, she can't help making a mess."
Twilight laughed sheepishly. "Eheh...riiiight...it's the whole hands and no magic thing, that's why I'm making a mess..." She carefully picked up the other slice of pizza and took a bite. "Oh. Oh, this is so..." She closed her eyes. "It's amazing. I've had every vegetable on this pizza before, a lot of them together even, but having them together like this, with the cheese and the sauce and the crust, it's so..."
Sunset laughed. "I know what you mean," she said. "It's just too bad we couldn't get the stuffed crust in extra large."
"Stuffed crust?" Twilight asked.
"They put melted cheese in the edge," Rainbow said. "It's awesome."
"Yeah, it's awesome until it cools off," Applejack added. "Then th' cheese gets all rubbery an' don't taste near as good."
Twilight shuddered. "I don't think I'd like that," she said. She looked down at her pizza. "I mean, this is almost more cheese than I can handle." She made a strange face. "I mean, it's okay with all the sauce and all the toppings, but if it was just cheese? Brrr."
Sunset raised an eyebrow. "What's wrong with cheese?"
"N-nothing!" Twilight said hastily. "It's just...just..." She trailed off, picking a jalapeño off her pizza and chewing on it.
"It's just what?" Pinkie asked.
Twilight turned red. "Well...one time, I ate a quesadilla for lunch. Then that afternoon, I..."
"Yes?" the girls all asked, leaning in.
"I..."
"Yes?" the girls leaned in even closer.
Twilight squeezed her eyes shut and trembled. "I passed gas in Princess Celestia's face and it was terrible!"
The girls all blinked.
"Oh my," Fluttershy said softly.
Rainbow started laughing. Pinkie giggled. Applejack snickered.
Sunset let out one loud, short laugh. "You...you farted in Princess Celestia's face?" she cackled. "Oh my gosh!"
"I KNOW!" Twilight howled, throwing up her hands. "I was so embarrassed! I ran as fast as my hooves could carry me and wouldn't come out of my room for two days!" She shook her head. "Ever since then, I've been really careful about how much cheese I eat."
"Well, we don't care if you fart up the whole house, so go nuts!" Rainbow said, recovering from her laughing fit.
Sunset chuckled, then took a bite of her own pizza. "You know though," she said thoughtfully, "we really should've gone with the other place. I mean, this is good and all, but the other place's crust and sauce are so much better."
"Yeah, I know, but I had coupons for this place," Pinkie said. "I mean, even splitting the bill with you and Rarity, you know?"
"Yeah."
Twilight paused in mid-bite. "Wait. Is this...is this really expensive?"
Rainbow shrugged and made a 'so-so' motion with her hand. "Sometimes," she said.
"We ordered two half-'n'-halfs," Applejack said. "Kinda jacks up th' price cuz it's more toppins."
"So they charge by the topping?" Twilight asked.
"Well, you can order pre-selected combinations of toppings that have a flat price," Sunset explained. "But everybody likes their pizza different from everybody else. The whole point of ordering pizza from a pizza place is to get all the toppings you want and exactly what you want and none of what you don't want."
"And when you're splitting it up with several people, you end up ordering half-and-half pizzas," Rarity continued. "That way one half has the toppings some of your group agree on, the other half has the toppings others in your group agree on, and you can do one that everyone more or less agrees on."
"Wow," Twilight said. "That's...really complicated. I never imagined something as simple as ordering food could be so..." She shrugged and made a vague gesture with her hand. "So full of variables."
"Silly! Pizza isn't full of variables! It's full of vegetables!" Pinkie fell over laughing at her own joke.
"But seriously," Twilight continued, her own pizza forgotten as she warmed to the subject. "When I go out to eat, the menu is always fairly simple. There's several dishes, variations on the same dish—even at Hayburger, there's only like, six different burgers they offer. I mean, you can ask them to hold the pickles or put ketchup but not mustard or whatever, but half the time they get it wrong, and..." She paused for a breath and a sip of her drink. "Just how complicated is this whole pizza thing?"
The Rainbooms looked at each other. Rainbow scratched her head. Applejack shrugged. Fluttershy made a little "dunno" noise. Rarity pursed her lips.
"It's just pizza, Twilight," Rainbow Dash said. "You just get what you're in the mood for."
Sunset wiped her mouth and her fingertips, then cleared her throat. "Girls, you've been eating pizza since you were little kids. You're used to it. Believe it or not, I totally get where Twilight's coming from here. Imagine if you'd never seen a pizza menu before." She looked at Pinkie. "You handled the orders, remember?"
"Yeah," Pinkie agreed. She frowned thoughtfully. "Now that you mention it, it did take five minutes just to do the whole menu thing and ooooooooh. Yeah, I get it now."
"Exactly. Think about how confusing the ordering menu for your typical pizza place would be to somebody who's never seen it before." Sunset smiled reassuringly at Twilight.
Rarity frowned. "Well when you put it that way..."
Twilight, for her part, wasn't reassured. In fact, she looked even more perplexed. "So, uhh...how complicated is it again?"
Sunset pursed her lips and thought for a minute. "Well, putting aside the whole issue of where you're ordering from and how many people you're feeding and whether you're ordering off the special deals or coupon menu..." At Twilight's lost look, she shook her head. "Okay, basically it's like this. First you pick a size, which will be medium, large, or extra large."
Twilight frowned. "What about small?"
"They don't make small," Applejack said.
Twilight tilted her head. "So doesn't that mean medium is small?"
"No, medium is medium," Sunset said.
"I'm confused."
"So am I," Fluttershy put in.
"If there's no small, how can there be a medium? Or a large? It doesn't make sense!"
"Actually, there is a small," Rarity said. "They just don't call it small. They call it a personal pizza."
"Oh yeah, those little square things in the five dollar box!" Rainbow said. "I forgot about those. Does anybody even order those?"
"Me neither," Fluttershy agreed. "I mean, I'm not a big eater, and even I can finish off a medium by myself in one sitting. Umm...but then my tummy hurts and I regret it all night."
Sunset coughed. "ANYWAY," she said, "so you've got your basic sizes of medium, large, and extra large. After that, you have to pick a crust. Most places have thick crust or thin crust. Some places have what they call a 'pan' crust, which is really thick and really chewy and has a crispy edge. Then there's the ones that have the stuffed crust, like we were talking about earlier. There's other types of crust that are specialties of different places, but usually you're dealing with thin, thick, pan, or stuffed."
"Or deep dish," Rainbow said. "Man, deep dish is awesome."
"Then you've got sauces," Sunset continued. "You've got your basic pizza sauce, which is what we've got here, then you've got barbecue sauce or alfredo sauce. After that there's the cheese. You can get regular cheese, extra cheese, or no cheese. Then you get to the toppings, and that's where things get really complex."
"It wasn't already?" Twilight asked. She'd found a notepad somewhere and was furiously taking notes.
Sunset laughed. "Okay, first the meats. Different places have different meats, some places have meats others don't, but for the most part your basic meat selection is pepperoni, ham, bacon, sausage, spicy salami, ground beef, grilled chicken, and anchovies." She wrinkled her nose. "I wonder if anybody even eats those."
"Uck. Heck no," Rainbow said.
"Ah don't think people ever ate 'em," Applejack said with a grimace.
"What's an anchovy?" Twilight asked.
"A slimy, salty, stinky fish," Pinkie said. "Just looking at one makes me sick."
"Well, there must be someone eating them, or else they wouldn't still offer them as a selection," Rarity said.
Sunset tapped her plate idly with her finger. "Then you've got veggies," she said. "Onions, mushrooms, red bell peppers, green bell peppers, banana peppers, sun-ripened tomatoes, jalapeños, black olives, pineapple—"
"That's a fruit," Twilight pointed out.
"Well, yes, but it's on the veggie menu because it's not meat." Sunset stuck her tongue out at Twilight.
"Okay, this is makin' me hungry again," Applejack said, standing up. "Anybody else want another slice?" Most of the girls joined her in traipsing back to the kitchen.
"Anyway, that's the basics," Sunset said. "Again, different places offer more choices or fewer choices, there are some things only one place has...oh! That reminds me. There's one place where you can pick an extra sauce that they drizzle over the pizza and a seasoning they put on the edge of the crust. There's like, seven or eight different types of each of those you can choose."
Twilight's eyes were so wide they were nearly popping out of her head. "Oh my gosh," she said, her pencil scratching furiously. "And...and how many toppings can you have at a time?"
Sunset shrugged. "As many as you want, I guess. I think they usually try to limit you to six toppings per pizza, though."
"Yeah, piling too much stuff on the pizza makes it harder to bake evenly and makes the crust all limp," Pinkie said as she returned with more pizza. "Me and my sisters found that out the hard way when we tried to get a six-meat, six-veggies, extra-cheese one time. They told us that was a bad idea, we didn't listen, they caved in and took the order..." She shuddered. "It was a real mess."
Twilight pursed her lips. "Okay, so...between one and six toppings, and you can get pizzas that are half one thing and half another..."
As the other Rainbooms returned, they watched as Twilight began making furious strings of calculations, her pizza and soda long forgotten. Her brow furrowed, her lips twitched, her eyes rapidly scanned back and forth, and her pencil blurred on the page. After almost ten minutes of this, Twilight let out a squealing gasp and threw the notepad and pencil to the floor. "It's...it's too much!" she cried. "The combinations, the variables, the vegetables!" She threw her head back and screamed.
"PIZZA BROKE MATH!"
Rainbow Dash shoved a slice of pepperoni and bacon pizza in Twilight's open mouth. Twilight's eyes bugged out. She chewed comically on the pizza for a minute.
Celestia and Discord sat in one of the many receiving rooms of Canterlot Castle, sipping tea. It was a ritual they indulged in once or twice a month—once Discord had been reformed and accepted friendship, Celestia found she actually enjoyed his occasional company, and even found his antics amusing. (Well...some of his antics.)
Today, Discord wasn't joking, making things disappear, or bringing the tea service to life. He was sipping his tea like a normal being instead of drinking it sideways or in reverse. There was a droop to his posture that was different from his normal serpentine slouch.
Discord sighed. "A very old friend of mine just died," he said.
Celestia's eyes widened. "Oh my. I'm so sorry." She sipped her tea. "Would this be anypony I know?"
Discord shook his head. "Completely different universe." He gave a brief, sardonic chuckle. "Actually, I say 'friend', but he was more of a...social acquaintance. Actually, if I'm being honest with myself, the guy was a jerk and a major creep. You think I used to be bad? The torment I put your little ponies through is nothing compared to what he would have done if he ever visited Equestria. He was the kind of guy who literally burns worlds for laughs."
Celestia frowned thinly. "Sounds like a...charming fellow," she said.
Discord laughed. "He thought he was. He was certainly amusing, in his own way, but he was a complete psycho." He shook his head. "Ran with a bad crowd, too. Mostly interdimensional criminals, demons, freakish monsters..." He drained his tea noisily, then absently refilled it.
"If I might ask...how did he die?"
Discord waved his lion paw airily. "I don't know the details, exactly. I just felt it when he ceased to exist. If I had to guess, though? He ticked someone off who knew how to kill him and finally got what he deserved."
Celestia raised an eyebrow. "That's a bit dark for you," she said. With a frown, she added, "And it's more than a little disturbing to hear anypony speak so casually about execution. That's the kind of thing I try to actively discourage here."
Discord shook his head. "You'd think otherwise if you knew his list of crimes. Nothing you've ever faced, including me and Tirek, is as bad as even a fraction of what this joker called 'fun'." He gave Celestia a firm look. "Picture every last pony in Equestria turned inside out, set on fire, and cursed to not die just so they could burn in freakish misery forever."
Celestia paled, nearly dropping her tea. "Wh-what? That...that's the sickest, most disgusting thing I've ever heard!"
"That's the kind of thing this guy would call a morning stretch."
Celestia's cheeks bulged. She discretely conjured a small pot, ducked under the table, and threw up as quietly as she could.
"And now you know why he's better off dead." Discord frowned. "Well, probably dead. You know how it is with demons. You can never really be sure." He shrugged. "Anyway, whatever happened to him killed him pretty severely. If he does come back, it'll probably take a few eons." He chuckled. "Even for an immortal, that's a long time."
Celestia's muzzle crinkled as she dabbed her face with a napkin, then vanished it. "There's immortal and there's eternal," she said, adding sugar and lemon to her tea and draining it. "I'm immortal and I don't measure time in eons."
"Nor do I," Discord said. "I'm only seven hundred thousand years old. There are beings so ancient it's unfathomable, even for a spirit of chaos."
"Well spoken, cousin," a voice eerily similar to Discord's, but deeper and more powerful, said from all around them.
Discord groaned. "I really should have expected this," he muttered.
In a bright flash, a dark-haired human appeared. He was wearing some sort of red and black form-fitting uniform; piercing eyes shone with cold intelligence from a severe face.
Discord raised an eyebrow. "Really, Q?" A third teacup appeared, filling itself. "This is the form you're taking now?"
"I find it suits me, limited as it is," Q said. "Besides, I'll be damned if I turn myself into a horse. No offense, Your Majesty," he added to Celestia.
Celestia pursed her lips. "Discord, would you introduce me to your...friend?"
"Celestia, this is Q. Q, this is Princess Celestia, ruler of—"
"Ruler of Equestria, bearer of this dimension's singularly improbable sun—a distortion of the universal laws of physics I rather approve of, by the way—and proponent of the ideals of friendship and harmony," Q said. "Yes, charmed." He accepted the tea and sipped it. "Earl Grey. That certainly takes me back." He smirked. "Well, I gather you know why I'm here."
Discord nodded. "I don't suppose you know where, when, and how?"
"Earth, twenty-first century," Q said. With a darkly ironic chuckle, he added, "Oregon of all places, if you can believe that. As to how, it's a bit complicated, but suffice to say his own arrogance did him in."
"That figures," Discord said. "Isn't that always the way? You live forever, you have nigh-infinite power, you think nothing can stand in your way, and some insignificant little band of mortals takes it all away." He coughed. "Erm. Not to disparage my wonderful friends in Ponyville, of course."
"Of course," Celestia said dryly.
"Mortals should never be taken lightly, Discord," Q said in a serious tone. "I should know. I've tested the best of them. I've seen mortals do things gods can only dream of. I've seen mortals do things gods don't dare to dream of." He finished his tea. "Well, I must be off. The Continuum is meeting to debate exactly how much of the mess he made we should get involved in cleaning up. He managed to kill a few beings even we can't will back into existence, and that isn't even taking into account the dimension he burned." He turned to Celestia and nodded respectfully. "A pleasure." In a white flash, he vanished.
Discord shook his head. "That guy. He used to be such a party animal."
A cigar appeared in his mouth in a white flash, Q's face floating in the smoke. "I still am," it said before vanishing.
Discord blinked. Celestia covered an amused giggle.
Just Girls Talking About Sunset Shimmer's Sexual Preferences
"UUUAAAAAAAAGHHHH!" Sunset Shimmer screamed, throwing her hands up in the air in disgust. "I DO NOT HAVE SEX WITH HORSES!!"
The sudden outburst shocked everybody at Sugar Cube Corner into stunned, awkward silence. Every head in the cheerful little coffee shop jerked around to stare at her.
After a long, tense moment, Mrs. Cake cleared her throat. "That's nice, dearie, but seeing as this is a family establishment, I'd appreciate if you keep such, ah...information...to yourself. I'd rather not have to throw you out."
Sunset Shimmer's eyes went wide. "Oh my gosh," she said shakily. "I'm so sorry, Mrs. Cake!" She looked around at all the people staring at her. Her face turned a shade of red that rivaled her hair. Slowly, she sank low into the booth, planting her face against the table in front of her.
Rarity coughed. "Ahem. I'm almost afraid to ask, but...what brought that on?" Wordlessly, Sunset pushed her phone across the table. Rarity picked it up, took a look, and blanched. "Gaaaah."
"Let me see!" Rainbow Dash snatched the phone away. Her eyes widened. "Oh, gross!"
Pinkie grabbed it, took a look, and let out a gasp. "WHOA! Who the heck—"
"Now that jes' ain't right," Applejack said. She offered the phone to Fluttershy, but Fluttershy shook her head and warded it off, eyes wide and frightened. Fluttershy slid closer to Sunset and gently patted her on the shoulder.
"It's okay, Sunset," she said. "I know people think you, umm...that, but the whole time we were at that ranch together that one weekend taking care of the horses, I never even saw you look at one that way."
Sunset raised her eyes up and gave Fluttershy a half-lidded stare. "Those were all mares," she said.
"Oh. Well. Yes. But still!"
Sunset's phone landed back in front of her, still displaying a rather painful-looking bit of bestiality porn some jerk had e-mailed her. She deleted the mail, then slipped her phone back in her pocket. "It's just like...at least once a week, some idiot pulls this stupid stunt," she said.
The others looked around at each other. "W-well," Rarity said, "it's just some juvenile pranks, right? I mean, even though your reputation has improved dramatically, there will always be those who just want to be mean for no reason."
"Gotta be honest," Rainbow said, looking Sunset right in the eyes, "I've always kinda wondered if you, y'know..." She shrugged. "I mean..."
Sunset lifted her head from the table and penetrated Rainbow with an intense stare. "You thought I had sex with farm animals?"
"Well it's just...you're a horse, right?" Rainbow flailed her hands about. "I mean, if it was anybody else, it'd be totally sick, but for you, wouldn't that be like...y'know...normal?"
"You know, that's a good point," Pinkie said. "I mean, that magic portal thingie gave you the body of a totally hot human babe, but inside you're still a pony. It's not like the portal just changed your whole sexual preference and all that stuff we learn about in biology, right?"
"Ah don't think Twilight got that memo," Applejack pointed out. She frowned. "Unless she's some kinda queer or somethin'." She scratched her head. "Is that even th' right word for it?"
"Absolutely not," Rarity said firmly. She patted Sunset's hand reassuringly. "Don't let it bother you."
"But it does bother me!" Sunset said. "I get that I deserve some of what I still get from the kids at school, and most of it I can put up with, but this whole horsefucker thing is just gross and I'm fed up with it!"
"Aww," Pinkie cooed, sliding a cookie in front of Sunset. "Don't get crabby, Sunny!"
"You know though," Rainbow said, "that does bring up a good question. Can human guys even satisfy you? I mean, like, take Flash. I know for a fact he's got a tiny pecker. I bet he was a real disappointment when you're used to horse cock. I mean, I've seen how huge those things get." Everybody stared at her. She blinked. "What?"
Sunset lifted her head from the table, giving Rainbow another flat stare. "Okay first of all, I never did anything with Flash Sentry. Second of all, I'm still a virgin, I don't care what you've heard about me." She frowned. "And just when the hell did you ever see Flash naked?"
Rainbow flinched and glanced at Fluttershy, who recoiled and hid behind her hair.
Applejack raised an eyebrow. "Okay, whut'd Ah miss?"
"Whatever it is, I missed it too," Rarity said, quirking an eyebrow of her own.
"U-umm, w-well..." Fluttershy stammered.
Sunset blinked. "Wait. You and Flash?"
Fluttershy meeped and ducked low. "I-it's not, I mean—"
Rainbow rolled her eyes. "I caught Fluttershy givin' him head one day," she said.
The others gasped. "No way," Pinkie said, eyes wide.
Fluttershy squeaked in fright, her face glowing like a fireplace.
"Seriously?" Sunset asked, staring in disbelief at Fluttershy.
"W-well," Fluttershy stammered, "h-he was, I mean..." She sighed. "It was a few days after the Battle of the Bands. Flash was really depressed about Twilight leaving, it was his birthday and not even Pinkie Pie remembered..." She played with her hair. "I thought he could use some cheering up, so—"
"So you went down on him?" Sunset asked. "Just...out of the blue?"
Fluttershy smiled sheepishly. "I always wanted to...to try it. Just once. Umm...I was curious. And I knew he wouldn't...say anything..." she ducked low again. "A-anyway, we went out a couple of times, but we don't really have anything in common. I—I guess I should've told you I went out with your ex. I'm sorry!"
"No, it's okay," Sunset said. "I'm just a little...surprised." She frowned. "And kinda grossed out."
"What was it like?" Pinkie asked.
Fluttershy blushed even harder. "Not really worth it," she said.
"But anyway, back to the main point," Rainbow said, turning back to Sunset, "even if you never did it with any, umm, pony back home, you still gotta know what horse cock is like, right? So human dudes can't possibly measure up in your eyes, right?"
Sunset groaned. "Rainbow Dash, didn't it ever occur to you there's a reason humans and horses aren't meant to have sex?"
"Because it's wrong an' against th' law?" Applejack suggested.
"Besides that," Sunset said.
"Horse penis is sized for mares," Fluttershy said. "Human penis is sized for human girls. Mostly. Umm, I've heard of guys whose...are too big, and it hurts the girls they..." She trailed off, playing with her hair.
"Exactly," Sunset said. She folded her arms. "Look. This world is my home now. I may have been born a pony, but I'm human now. I have a human body, my human body does human body things." She grimaced. "Some of which I could live without, but anyway. If—IF—I ever start having sex, it'll be with a human. The horses in this world are mindless farm animals. You can't have a relationship with a dog, and you can't have one with a horse."
"They're not mindless," Fluttershy said with a mild scowl. "Horses are very intelligent and emotional creatures."
"But they can't buy you dinner or understand when you tell them how your day went," Sunset said. "Kind of a deal breaker. That and the whole they're farm animals thing." She shuddered. "It'd be like one of you girls having a relationship with a gorilla."
The girls reacted to this comparison with varying degrees of disgust and disdain.
Sunset glanced at the counter and winced at the look Mrs. Cake was giving them. She hurriedly drained the rest of her frappucino. "I think we've worn out our welcome," she said. She stood up, walked over to the counter, and laid a few extra bills in front of Mrs. Cake. "I'm really sorry about all that," she said. "I'm just...dealing with some stuff."
Mrs. Cake frowned, but gave her a sympathetic look. "I think I understand," she said. "But dearie? Please, the next time you and your friends want to talk about your sex lives, do it at home or at school, okay?"
"Got it," Sunset said. Her friends finished gathering up their things, and the girls left Sugar Cube Corner together.
Some of the patrons were still giving Sunset odd looks—she could feel it—but she decided not to let it bother her. As long as her friends knew she wasn't like that, and as long as she knew she wasn't like that, what did it matter what Snips and Snails were telling people about her?
*Besides,* she thought to herself, *they're just mad they never even had a shot at me.*
Principal Celestia sat in her office on a sweltering early September day, going over the reams of paperwork that always cropped up at the beginning of a school year. The air conditioning was on the fritz again, and not for the first time, she wished she'd worn a skirt to school.
Just as quickly, she remembered what always happened whenever she wore a skirt to work when much of the student body was composed of hormonal teenage boys, and sighed wearily.
A light, almost hesitant rapping sounded at her office door. "Come in," she called absently, not bothering to look up from the order form for textbooks which had, once again, been under-ordered.
"Hello," a serene, musical, gentle voice said. "I'm sorry to disturb you, but I was wondering if perhaps I might have a word with a student by the name of Sunset Shimmer?"
Celestia frowned and looked up...
...and her jaw dropped, eyes widening at the sight of the radiant woman in white standing in the door. "What in the...?"
The tall, regal woman standing before Celestia could be her twin. She had the same eyes, the same lips, the same face, the same wavy pastel rainbow of hair.
But even on her best days, Celestia couldn't match the ethereal beauty of this doppelganger.
She wore a blindingly white gown made of several layers of silk that swept the floor, parting in the front to reveal graceful golden slippers. A wide, fine gold necklace graced her neck, adorned with a single rhombus-cut amethyst, and a golden tiara with a matching jewel sat atop her head.
The woman tilted her head, a quirky smile gracing her lips. "Goodness," she said in an amused tone. "You'd think I'd be used to seeing different versions of myself in alternate worlds, as often as Starswirl and I traveled together, but this is the most unusual encounter with another Celestia I've ever had."
Principal Celestia stared at her, mouth working soundlessly.
The woman's smile fell slightly. "Twilight Sparkle...did tell you about Equestria, did she not? And the, err...similarities between our worlds?" Silence answered her, and she crossed her arms under her breasts. "Oh dear." She shook her head. "No matter. I am Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria, at your service." She curtsied.
"Umm..." Principal Celestia blinked, then shook her head. "Right, so...Sunset Shimmer. You...you wanted to see her?"
"Yes, please," Princess Celestia said. "It has been a long time, and I...wanted to make sure she's..."
Her expression became worried, and Principal Celestia immediately found her usual calm and professionalism. She stood up, nodding. "You're worried about her," she said.
"We didn't part on the best of terms," the Princess admitted. "I had hoped she would...return to Equestria and come to see me, but...the portal has been open for some time, and she hasn't..."
Principal Celestia consulted her computer. "She's in Ms. Harshwhinny's class at the moment. I'll have her paged."
"Thank you," Princess Celestia said primly. "Is there a place I might speak to her in private?"
"In a school? No such thing," Principal Celestia said with a wry laugh. "I...suppose you can use the conference room."
"Thank you," Princess Celestia said once again. "I promise not to take too terribly long." Sheepishly, she added, "Also, I apologize if my appearance has caused any...disruptions. I did sort of...draw a few strange looks as I roamed the halls."
Princess Celestia's eyes widened and her cheeks colored. "That...will make the next few days interesting," she said in a wary tone.
* * * * *
Sunset Shimmer's mind whirled with worry and confusion, mixed with a tinge of dread, as she headed for the conference room.
The conference room. It wasn't exactly a place students were usually summoned to. Whenever they were, it typically wasn't for very pleasant reasons.
Finding herself outside the door, she braced herself, then knocked.
"Come in," Principal Celestia's voice called from inside. As agitated as Sunset was, she didn't notice that Celestia's voice sounded...strange.
Sunset opened the door and stepped in. "You wanted to see...me...?" She stared in wide-eyed shock at the woman seated at the conference table.
It was Celestia, of course, but...
Celestia rose gracefully, a broad mix of emotions playing across her face—shock, excitement, nerves, sorrow, relief, happiness. "Sunset?" she said softly, almost choking on the name.
Sunset felt her heart plummet into the pit of her stomach. Even though she saw Principal Celestia nearly every day when school was in session, she'd long since disassociated the principal of CHS from her counterpart in Equestria. A teacher she'd never expected to see again...at least, not on friendly terms.
And now, standing before her...
"Princess Celestia?" Sunset said in a quiet almost-whisper, her fingers grasping fruitlessly against the doorknob. "What...why..."
Princess Celestia crossed the room and, before Sunset could react, drew her into a crushing hug. "Oh, my foolish student," she whispered. "I'm so sorry."
Sunset's entire body tensed up, confusion and discomfort filling her being. "Princess?"
Celestia drew back, and there were tears in her eyes. She smiled, looking Sunset up and down. "You look...well," she said. With a laugh, she added, "This alien form certainly seems to suit you." She stepped back. "Please, close the door and sit down."
Numbly, Sunset obeyed, taking a seat at the conference table. Celestia sat in the seat directly across from her.
"Your Highness...what are you doing here?" Sunset asked.
Celestia smiled that ever-patient, enigmatic, beatific smile of hers. "I came to see you, Sunset," she said. "I came because..." She fidgeted with her hands. "I..." She looked down. "I've been waiting. Ever since Twilight Sparkle opened the portal, I...I had hoped you would come back. I wanted to see you so badly. When...when you never came..."
Sunset swallowed. "I...I didn't think you'd ever want to see me again," she said.
"Sunset Shimmer! How could you...ever think that?"
Sunset's eyes turned distant and sad.
Celestia paled. "Of course," she said hollowly. She looked down, fresh tears gathering in her eyes. "Sunset, I—"
"I'M SO SORRY!" Sunset wailed. "Princess Celestia, I..." Sunset squeezed her eyes shut and clenched her fists. "I should have listened to you! I was so caught up in...and I stopped paying attention to what you were trying to teach me, and I thought..." She trailed off, then sighed. "It doesn't matter what I thought," she said hoarsely. "I defied you, and I betrayed you, and..."
Celestia held up a hand to stall her. "All is forgiven," she said. "If...if you, in turn, can forgive me."
Celestia sighed. "I should never have..." She wrung her hands nervously. "That night, when you left...I was angry. I lost my temper. I should never have lost my temper with you." She looked away. "I made a mistake. I made a mistake, and...and I drove you away, just like..."
Sunset shook her head. "No," she said. "No, it wasn't—it was me. I made the mistake. I—"
"We both made mistakes," Celestia said. "In regards to you, I made several. Losing my temper and banishing you from the castle was simply the worst of them." She sighed. "Debatably."
Sunset tilted her head. "What...do you mean?"
Celestia sighed again. "Sunset...I'm afraid your arrogance and your ambition were...largely my fault," she said. "I..."
"How could any of that be your fault?" Sunset asked. "I was the one who ignored your lessons about friendship, I was the one—"
Celestia once again raised a hand to cut her off. "Sunset," she said, sounding old, tired, and sad, "I let my own hopes and feelings blind me. When...when I took you as my student," she continued, looking away, "I knew that the time was approaching for my sister to return from her banishment. I knew that the Elements of Harmony would once again need to be used against her. I...I had hoped it would be possible to reach her, to get my sister back. But I needed...I needed a very special pony, a student, to take on that responsibility.
"When I first met you, when I saw how special you were...I was certain it was you."
Sunset's eyes widened.
"You were the most remarkable young pony I'd met in generations," Celestia said. "I was happy to teach you, and excited to see how eager you were to learn. I grew fond of you—I still am fond of you, and ever so proud of what you've become—and I started to convince myself that you were the one. That it was your destiny to save my sister." She looked down at the table. "That it was your destiny to become a princess.
"So I made the mistake of telling you that was your destiny. And that, my student, changed you."
Sunset looked away. "I started thinking I deserved things I really didn't," she said. "I got...arrogant. Selfish. Conceited."
"And I fear I am to blame for that."
Sunset shook her head. "No," she said. "I started demanding things, expecting things...you tried to correct me, but I didn't listen. That's on me." She bowed her head. "I was a terrible student."
"And I was a terrible teacher," Celestia lamented. "I let my personal feelings get in the way. I..." She sighed. "I wanted it to be you, Sunset. I wanted, so badly, for you to be the one I was waiting for. I wanted it so badly that..." She looked away. "That I ignored a very old prophecy. Convinced myself that I was right and..." Shaking her head, she pulled out a photograph and slid it across the table. Sunset looked at it with interest and confusion. "Do you know what this is?" Celestia asked.
Sunset shook her head.
"This is the Tree of Harmony," Celestia said. "It's where my sister and I first found the Elements of Harmony. The Tree is older than Equestria, older than me...perhaps as old as the world itself."
Sunset examined the picture of the tree. Along its trunk, she saw markings—Celestia's familiar sun Cutie Mark, a moon shape she could only assume represented Princess Luna, and...
...a six-pointed star.
Sunset frowned, brow furrowing in confusion. "Isn't that...?"
"Starswirl knew," Celestia said softly. "He never said anything, but he knew. And I...suspected," she admitted, "that the star-shaped mark on the Tree of Harmony was significant. If my Cutie Mark and Luna's were there, then that third mark was important somehow.
"But I was so..." She shrugged. "I wanted you to be something more. I wanted it so badly that I forgot all about ancient prophecies and the Tree of Harmony. I told myself that if Cadance could become an alicorn, then that mark on the Tree didn't mean anything. I..." She shook her head.
"But it was Twilight's destiny," Sunset said quietly, tracing the Cutie Mark on the tree with a finger. "It was never meant to be me at all."
"So it would seem," Celestia said. "When I discovered Twilight, when she got her Cutie Mark...I understood my own folly. I knew where everything had gone wrong. I knew I had to get it right this time. I was more careful with Twilight. I never told her...the things I told you. I let her grow and mature on her own, and when the time came for her to become a princess..." She smiled slightly. "Well, let's just say she wasn't expecting it."
Sunset chuckled.
Celestia looked at Sunset. "I made so many mistakes, and I fear those mistakes are what led to our bitter parting," she said. "Sunset, I hope...I hope you can forgive me."
"If...if you can forgive me for everything I've done," Sunset said.
"Of course," Celestia said. "Sunset, after you left, I...I worried dearly for you. I desperately wished you'd return. I wanted nothing more than to see you again. Twilight has told me all about your accomplishments here, the friends you've made." She smiled. "I am so thankful, so relieved, and so proud."
Tears welled up in Sunset's eyes. Bursting into sobs, she stood, walked around the table, and flung herself at Celestia, clutching her desperately. Celestia returned her embrace, crying silently.
After a long moment, Sunset stood, sniffling and wiping at her eyes. "Sorry," she choked out.
"It's alright," Celestia said. She stood gracefully. "Are you happy, Sunset Shimmer? Have you found your place?"
Sunset smiled. "I think I have," she said.
Celestia nodded. "Then that, my student, is all I need." She took hold of Sunset's hands and squeezed them firmly. "I'm going to enchant a second pair of journals," she said. "I'll have Twilight deliver yours when it's ready. Its twin will remain with me, and I hope you will write to me all about your life here, your friends...anything and everything you want to say."
Sunset nodded, sniffling. "I...I will," she said.
"And if you ever want to come to Canterlot, if you ever want to visit...you are always welcome in the castle."
Sunset smiled, laughing softly. "Thank you," she said.
"The portal will remain in Ponyville, in Twilight's care," Celestia said. "If you ever decide to come back to Equestria, either to visit or...or to come home..."
"You'll be the first to know," Sunset promised. She paused. "Princess?"
"Yes, Sunset?"
"I...I know I don't have any right to ask a favor of you, but..."
Celestia rolled her eyes. "You may ask anything of me you wish, Sunset."
"Well..." Sunset fidgeted. "Do you think maybe...you could give me a little while to write a letter to my parents? And...and could you deliver it to them when you get back to Canterlot?"
Celestia smiled. "Of course," she said. "I'm certain they'll be...surprised to hear from you. But...not displeased, I think."
Sunset grimaced. "What do they know about...all this?"
Celestia picked at the folds of her dress. "They know you are alive, safe, and happy," she said. "They know that you're a hero. They know you have friends and a good life. They miss you, but they're happy that you're happy."
Sunset sniffled. "Let's...let's go to the library," she said. "I think I'll write my letter there. I don't...trust myself to hold a pen right now."
For the next few hours, Princess Celestia drew a great amount of attention as she bustled about the library, examining everything with great interest and browsing a number of books while Sunset typed a long, very overdue letter home. Principal Celestia excused Sunset from her classes for the remainder of the day, though she declined to stay and talk to her counterpart for long.
By the time Sunset finished writing and proofreading her letter and had printed it out, the final bell rang. Sunset's friends poured into the library just as she was stapling the pages of her letter together.
"Hey Sunset, what's up? Missed you in physics WHOA!" Rainbow Dash recoiled, staring at Princess Celestia. "What the heck?"
Her friends all stared at Celestia with reactions varying from surprise to shock. Sunset laughed. "Everyone, this is Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria. Your Highness, these...are my friends."
Celestia's eyes twinkled as her gaze swept across the group. "Applejack, Rarity, Fluttershy, Pinkie Pie, Rainbow Dash, Twilight Sparkle," she greeted each in turn. "It is wonderful to meet you."
Applejack scratched her head. "How in th' heck did you know who we all are?" she asked.
Pinkie rolled her eyes. "Duh!" she said. "She obviously knows the other useseseseses!"
Celestia laughed. "Yes, I am quite familiar with your Equestrian counterparts," she said. "They have all saved Equestria time and again, and stand out in their own ways as well."
"Having met Twilight, I can believe that," Rarity said. She examined Celestia critically. "Your gown is quite splendid, Your Highness."
"Thank you, Rarity," Celestia said primly. "Of course, this is simply what I came out of the portal wearing." Her eyes twinkled. "The fashions of this world are very interesting!"
Sunset finished sealing her letter in an envelope and wrote her parents' names on it, then handed it to Celestia. "It's done," she said.
Celestia accepted it, then nodded to the girls. "I would love to stay and talk, but I'm afraid I must be going. I must return to Canterlot in time to lower the sun."
Sunset paled. "Oh, horseapples! I kept you here all day when you've got so much to—"
Celestia stalled her with a hand. "I cleared my day just for this little reunion," she said. "I only wish I could stay longer."
Sunset smiled. "I'll...I'll try to visit soon. Maybe for the weekend sometime?"
"I would like that very much," Celestia said with a smile.
Sunset and her friends escorted Princess Celestia to the portal. Celestia straightened her gown and turned to face Sunset. "It's been a pleasure to see you again, Sunset."
"Same here," Sunset said. "I...I missed you."
"Stay in touch, my student," Celestia said. "I'm never too busy for you." With one last wave to the other girls, Celestia turned and stepped through the portal.
Sunset turned to her friends, tears in her eyes, and sniffled. "Let's...let's go do something. Anything."
Her friends wrapped her in a big group hug, then the seven of them headed off into town together.
That Song Does Not Mean What You Think That Song Means
//Everything is awesome!!! Everything is cool when you're part of the team! Everything is awesome!!! When—//
"Hey Dad. Yeah. Yeah, I'm at AJ's. Yeah. Yeah, I'll be home late. Yeah. Okay. No, I...yeah. Okay. Later!"
As Rainbow Dash hung up, she noticed Sunset, Rarity, and Fluttershy staring at her stonily. She blinked. "What?"
Applejack groaned and covered her head with her hands.
"Seriously?" Sunset asked. "That's your ringtone?"
"Yeah, why?" Rainbow said in a challenging, defensive tone. "It's a cool song. It's got my favorite word! It's awesome, like me!" She started to sing. "Everything is awesome! Everything is—"
Fluttershy pressed a finger to her lips to stop her.
Rarity pinched the bridge of her nose. "Rainbow, darling," she said patiently, "do you even understand the purpose of that song?"
Rainbow pushed Fluttershy's finger away. "Yeah, of course," she said. "It's just a cool party song about how awesome everything is."
"Oy," Pinkie grunted, rolling her eyes.
Rarity grimaced. "Rainbow...the song is satirical."
Rainbow tilted her head. "Huh?"
"Think about th' movie it came from, sugarcube," Applejack said. "An' how it was th' anthem of th' company th' bad guy ran."
"Remember how that song was used to keep everyone happy and ignorant?" Sunset said.
Rainbow's brow furrowed. "Dude, I only saw the movie once, I only went because you guys went, and all I did was laugh at the funny parts and love all the exploding-stuff parts."
The others sighed.
"Okay, okay, look," Sunset said. "You remember that movie with the guy with the sunglasses who could see the aliens, right?"
Rainbow brightened. "Oh yeah! That was soawesome!" She pulled out her own sunglasses and put them on. "I have come here to chew bubblegum and kick ass, and I'm all out of bubblegum."
"Right, right, well," Sunset said, "the bad guy in this movie was kind of like those aliens, keeping everyone ignorant and asleep, and that song was like all those subliminal messages." At Rainbow's blank look, she clarified, "you know, how all the books and magazines and signs were just blank with one word when he had the sunglasses on, telling people to behave?"
"Oh yeah," Rainbow said slowly. "Wait. So how's the awesome song like that?"
Applejack sighed. "That song an' that show about th' guy lookin' fer his pants was how th' bad guy was keepin' everyone from noticin' him sayin' stuff like he was gonna end th' world."
Rainbow blinked. Comprehension slowly dawned. She looked down at her phone. "Oh."
Rainbow stared at her. "Oh, you wanna talk about annoying songs?" she said hotly. "How about that week you wouldn't stop singing 'Let It Go'?"
"Yeah, Fluttershy, you really should've let it go," Pinkie quipped.
Fluttershy frowned. "That...that isn't the same," she said. "It's a beautiful, powerful song." She picked at her skirt. "Oh, I wish I could be as brave as Elsa and just...just express myself..."
"Whoa whoa whoa," Applejack said. "Is that whut you got outta that song?"
"Umm...yes? Because it was about not worrying about what other people think, and—"
Rarity held up a hand to interrupt her, a pained grimace on her face. "No," she said. "Just...no."
Rainbow groaned. "Jeez, Fluttershy, even I know what that song was really sayin'!"
Fluttershy blinked. "Huh?"
Sunset sighed. "Fluttershy...that song wasn't about free self-expression or being brave. It was about Elsa turning her back on the world and running away."
"Yeah," Pinkie said. "Didn't you pay attention to what she was doing? She wasn't happy, she was pissed! She basically said 'Screw you all, I'm outta here!' But in a really pretty song."
Fluttershy froze, her lips pursed. The others could practically see her mentally reviewing the lyrics. Her eyes widened. "Oh," she said quietly, shrinking into herself. "Oh."
Rarity patted her on the shoulder. "Don't worry, dear. You're hardly the only person who misunderstood that song." She looked at Rainbow. "Remember what Lyra and Bon Bon thought it was?"
Rainbow snickered. "Oh god," she said. "They thought it was a lesbian pride anthem."
"Ah guess there's all kinda songs people misunderstand," Applejack said.
"Tell me about it," Pinkie moaned. "I'll never forget Maud's thirteenth birthday. I was tired of the old birthday song and wanted to change things up, so I decided to sing 'Today'." At everyone's blank looks, she rolled her eyes. "You know! 'Today is the greatest day I've ever known', that one?"
"Oh, THAT one!" Rainbow said. "Yeah, I remember that one."
"Yeah," Pinkie said, deflating slightly. "I didn't know at the time that song was about suicide. Awk-waaaaaard!"
"Oooh! What about 'Every Breath You Take'?" Rarity said.
"Oh GOD that song is creepy," Sunset moaned. "Flash tried to serenade me with that song once."
The others, except for Fluttershy, cringed.
"I...I don't know that one," Fluttershy said. "Sorry."
"Seriously?" Rainbow asked. She scrolled through her phone for a minute, then passed it to Fluttershy. Fluttershy plugged her own earbuds into it and listened for a minute. Her eyes widened in recognition.
"Oh, THAT song!" she said. "I guess I've heard it before, it just...didn't stick in my mind." She listened for a moment longer. She blinked, her brow furrowing. "Wait. Is this..." She paled. "This is about stalking a girl, isn't it?"
"Yep!" the others chorused.
"Oh my goodness..."
"I guess there's all kinds of songs people don't get," Rainbow said thoughtfully as Fluttershy returned her phone. "Like...how every Prince song ever is about sex and some of them are really gross about it."
"Little Red Corvette," Rarity said with a distasteful grimace.
"Ugh, that one," Pinkie said. "The lyrics even talk about used condoms!"
"Gross!" Sunset said, shuddering.
//Everything is awesome!!! Everything is cool when you're part of the team! Everything is awesome!!! When—//
Rainbow answered her phone, listened for five seconds, then hung up. "Ugh, robocall." She noticed the others were staring at her. "What?"
"Seriously, Dashie. Change your ringtone."
Rainbow shrugged. "Nah. I mean, sure when you think about it, maybe it's not as cool anymore, but it still makes a good ringtone!"
Her friends facefaulted.
"Oh, like you all don't have weird ringtones," Rainbow said.
//Space Unicorn, soaring through the stars!//
Everyone slowly turned their heads to stare at Sunset Shimmer. She stared back, cheeks flushed. "What?"
Pinkie Pie squirmed in the chair in front of Principal Celestia's desk. Her hair was limp and lifeless, and her bright blue eyes were clouded with worry, shame, and a tinge of fear. Her head bowed like a scolded puppy, she snuck darting glances up at the stern face of Principal Celestia before casting her eyes down at her lap, at the top of the desk, at Celestia's nameplate, at anything else she could look at.
Celestia softened her gaze and sighed. "Pinkie Pie," she said in a soft, patient voice, "I didn't call you in here to punish you or to yell at you. Actually, strictly speaking, I can't punish you for this. I mean, this is something your parents have to make that decision about."
Pinkie trembled. "N-no, I...I really don't want them to know..."
Celestia frowned. "I don't approve of lying to your parents, young lady," she admonished sternly. "And what you've done, well...it is serious. They need to be aware."
"You don't understand," Pinkie said, her voice wavering. "Mom and Dad are super-strict. If they knew..." She shuddered. "I don't know what they'd do to me, but it'd be a super-duper overreaction! Like, I mean...well..." She risked a glance up at Celestia. "Can't we just keep this between us and...and maybe my sister Maud? She's supposed to be looking out for me and my other sisters."
Celestia's lips thinned. After a moment, she sighed. "Did you take the video down?"
"Y-yes," Pinkie said. "Umm...I can't promise it isn't, y'know, all over the Internet by now, but the original's gone."
Celestia nodded. "If the video's been uploaded elsewhere, the chances of your parents learning about it are fairly high," she said.
Pinkie shook her head. "They're traditionalists," she said. "The only technology they own on the farm is a landline. They don't even have electric lights."
Celestia pinched the bridge of her nose. "That doesn't mean certain people won't contact them," she said. "Pinkie, I don't think you understand how serious what you've done is."
Pinkie ducked her head miserably. "I was just having a little fun," she whined.
"Fun that puts you at risk," Celestia pointed out. "Fun that gives people the wrong idea about you. Fun that—"
Pinkie flinched. "Y-yeah," she said shakily. "I've already been getting some...looks." She sighed. "Not that I mind guys looking at me, you know, it's just...I know what they were thinking, and..." She played with the hem of her longer-than-usual skirt. "I don't like it."
Celestia sighed. "I'll see to it Luna handles the boys at CHS in a...discreet manner," she said.
"Some of the girls too," Pinkie said softly.
Celestia groaned. "Of course." She shook her head. "What possessed you, Pinkie Pie? What made you think posting that video to social media was a good idea?"
Pinkie wilted. "I was bored," she said miserably. "I know all about, y'know...girls who post videos of themselves doing stuff like that. It sounded like fun. I mean, I like doing...that, and I'm pretty and...I guess I just wanted to..."
"To do something that made you feel sexy?" Celestia supplied. At Pinkie's weak nod, Celestia sighed. "Well, it's not like you're the first girl who ever did something like that. And what you actually did isn't wrong. I have a whole box full of old videotapes in my closet of myself doing exactly what you did." She snorted. "Hell, some of them are a lot more..." She shook her head. "The problem is, you shouldn't have put that out on the Internet. You should've kept it for yourself. Maybe...shared it with people you really trust. In person. Maybe a special somebody, if you're into that. But—"
"But putting it on MyStable was a really bad idea," Pinkie said. "I know. I don't know why I—" She sighed and looked down at her hands, which were now folded in her lap. "I'm never gonna live this one down, am I?"
"It'll take time," Celestia said softly, soothingly, her eyes gentle. "It'll take time. But..." She reached across the desk and lifted Pinkie's chin to face her, giving her a gentle, reassuring smile. "Look at it this way. The entire school got over Sunset Shimmer turning into a raging demon and trying to mind-control them, not to mention all the other horrible things she managed to get away with. If she can live that down, I'm pretty sure you can live this down."
There was a knock at the door. It opened a crack, and Sunset Shimmer peeked in. "Umm...is she—"
Celestia looked up. "Yes, we're done here," she said.
Pinkie stood up and turned. The door opened fully, revealing all of her friends. Offering them a brave smile, she left Celestia's office, her friends' reassuring hands on her shoulders and back bolstering her.
Sunset Shimmer stared morosely at the magic journal, her only link back to Equestria. Not only did it serve as the means to bypass the thirty-moons limitation on the portal, it served as her main link to her friend and mentor, Princess Twilight Sparkle.
And there were only four blank pages left.
The portal still worked, but what about when those last pages were used up? Would that be it? Would they be limited to only being able to see each other, talk to each other, every thirty moons?
Whenever Sunset thought about that, a feeling of helpless sadness and despair overcame her.
She desperately wanted to write to Twilight, but to waste one of those precious few pages...
"Hey Sunset."
Sunset blinked and looked up from the journal.
The Princess herself, Twilight Sparkle, stood in front of her, smiling and holding a stack of books bound with thick twine. A trolley stood next to her, heaped with similar leather-bound books.
"Twilight? What—?"
Twilight set the stack of books she held down on the table next to Sunset with a heavy thump and cut the twine with a pair of scissors. "I noticed we were running low on pages in the journal a while back, so I decided to talk to Princess Celestia about making a new one. Then I got to thinking about how much people like to text over here, and how I don't really have a way of talking to my Canterlot High friends other than you, and how it'd be easier if we just had a whole lot of journals, so..." She took the top book off the stack and set it in front of Sunset. The cover had Sunset's Cutie Mark paired with Twilight's, and in the corner, stamped in gold leaf: Vol. II.
Sunset looked at the top of the stack, and saw a similar cover, stamped Vol. III.
There were four more books underneath it.
"This is your stack," Twilight said. "Your set and mine go up to Volume Four, then there's three that you can use to write to Princess Celestia. Then I've got one each for the other girls—well, two for Pinkie because you know Pinkie, and two for the other Twilight because if she's anything like me she'll fill up half the book in a week." Twilight giggled. "There's also an emergency book that isn't really for anybody to use, I'm leaving it in Principal Celestia's office. Its twin is the one I'll be using to power the portal from now on, that way we don't risk losing the connection. Of course, if there's an emergency and you can't get to any of the other books, use that one. After all, that's why it's an emergency book..."
Sunset's head began to swim. "What...how..." She shook her head. "Twilight, how did you—how did you manage to duplicate the journal so many times?"
"Well, it's not that hard a spell, really," Twilight said. "Once Celestia taught it to me and Starlight Glimmer, Starlight was able to make three pairs of connected journals without even breaking a sweat. She's even testing enhancing the spell to create self-renewing books that never run out of pages!" Twilight clapped happily. "Isn't that exciting?"
Sunset stared at her. "Uhh...yeah," she said. "Exciting..."
Twilight frowned. "You don't...sound excited."
Sunset smiled and shook her head. "Bewildered is more like it," she said. "Here I was worried we were about to run out of pages and I might not be able to talk to you again for a really long time, and wondering whether I should write to you or save those last pages for something really important, and here you just show up with...with all this..." She gestured vaguely.
Twilight smiled. "Oh, Sunset," she said. "Did you forget that an alicorn enchanted that book in the first place? And that you've got three alicorns and a ridiculously overpowered unicorn on the other side of that portal? We'll never run out of pages."
Sunset looked up at Twilight and smiled brightly. "Yeah," she said. "Yeah..." She stood up and hugged Twilight. "Friends never run out of pages."
Just Girls Talking About Guys Being Obnoxious About Sex I
"Hey fave sis!" Zephyr Breeze said, flashing his most winning grin as he stood in the open door of Fluttershy's bedroom. The door had been closed a moment earlier, as Fluttershy was doing her homework, listening to music, playing with her animals, watching cat videos, and texting with her friends—all of which required a degree of privacy—but Zephyr rarely paid attention to anyone's personal space or boundaries.
Fluttershy took a deep, bracing breath, turned, and tried to smile. "Yes?" she asked a bit tightly.
Zephyr sauntered in; Fluttershy noticed he'd abandoned his shimmery silk scarf and fedora, although he still cultivated what little stubble growth he could manage at the tender age of fifteen. He pushed Fluttershy's Angora cat, Fuzzle Wuzzles, off the bed and flopped down in a gross, spread-eagled relaxed pose. "So the chicks ain't goin' for the hipster thang," he said. "I'm lookin' for the next angle, thought I'd ask my wonderful big sis who is a totally hot chick what other hot chicks go for."
Fluttershy's lips thinned disapprovingly. "Uh-huh," she said.
"Yeah, I'm thinkin' of goin' vegan," Zephyr said airily. "Whaddya think? Think the whole vegan thing'll get me some pussy?"
Fluttershy's thin-lipped stare turned into a frown of disgust. "Get out of my room," she said.
"Aww, c'mon, sis!" Zephyr said, raising his hands placatingly. "I'm just tryin' to get laid here!" he whined. "There's so many hot chicks at school, there's gotta be at least what, a dozen who need a little Breeze between the knees?"
A red haze filled Fluttershy's vision. Her animals, sensing her mood, began glaring and hissing at Zephyr. She stood, clenching and flexing her hands into claws. "Get out!" she snapped.
Zephyr shot to his feet. "Okay, okay!" he said. "Damn, Sis! Can't your favorite little brother ask his favorite big sis for a little advice?" He picked up Fuzzle Wuzzles and gave her a light little toss across the room; Fluttershy deftly caught the startled, unhappy little cat, whose claws came out and dug into her arms.
*Oh no he didn't!*
As Zephyr turned to leave, a nasty thought entered Fluttershy's head, and a cold sneer graced her lovely face. "Zephyr Breeze? You're right. I should help you."
Zephyr turned around, smiling and rocking on his heels. "Knew you'd see it my way, sis!"
Fluttershy smiled placidly. "If you'll go wait in your room, I promise in just a few minutes, I'll make sure you get all the pussy you can handle."
Zephyr blinked. "Well alright!" he said. "That's what I'm talkin' about." With a jaunty wave, he headed to his room; she heard his door open, heard him jump onto his bed, heard the springs squeak.
She looked down at Fuzzle Wuzzles. "I need a huge favor," she said softly, scatching the cat behind one ear.
"Myaa?" Fuzzle Wuzzles mewed inquisitively.
"A whole can of salmon. Promise." Fluttershy headed to the bathroom, the cat in her arms relaxing and purring...
Three minutes later, Zephyr Breeze was screaming his head off as a hissing, spitting, soaking wet Angora cat was clawing his everything. Fluttershy didn't linger, choosing to leave her door open just enough so she could listen to the carnage.
* * * * *
Six girls stared, slack-jawed, at Fluttershy. "Shut up," Sunset Shimmer said in wonder.
Fluttershy favored her with a smug smile over the top of her bottle of milk tea.
"Well," Rarity said, coughing daintily, "I...I suppose he got what he deserved, after asking you such a horribly uncouth thing."
"I don't think I've ever wanted to pound that creep more in my life," Rainbow growled, punching a fist into an open palm.
Applejack scratched her head. "Shy? Your brother's an asshole," she said.
"He really is," Fluttershy said with a sigh. "And since Mom and Dad don't seem to know how to do any real parenting, I don't think he'll ever really change."
"You seem to have turned out alright," Twilight observed. "Well, apart from throwing a soaking wet cat at your brother. He could've lost an eye, you know!"
They all looked across the cafeteria. Zephyr Breeze was regaling the unamused-looking Crusaders with some fabricated tale of derring-do; much of his visible skin was covered in gauze and bandages.
"If he did he'd just try to pick up girls with the pirate look," Fluttershy said sourly.
"What even made him think it was okay to ask you something like that?" Sunset wondered.
"He doesn't think," Fluttershy said, blowing on her bangs in frustration. "He just says whatever he wants and does whatever he wants."
"Ugh," Rainbow muttered.
"Still, it could be worse," Sunset said. "Snips and Snails used to literally drool at my boobs."
"It took forever for those panty shots of me from the Friendship Games to go away," Twilight said softly, playing with her napkin.
"What IS it with boys?" Pinkie complained, throwing her hands up in the air. "I mean, is that really all they ever think about?"
Rarity gave her a flat stare. "We are talking about boys," she pointed out.
"Ah found one'a them Ogres an' Oubliettes books in mah brother's room th' other day," Applejack said. "Right on th' front there was this chick in a metal bikini an' her tits were bigger'n watermelons."
"Gah," Twilight said, pulling a face. "That sounds like those comic books my brother has boxes of in the attic."
"You know, I don't get why guys want girls whose boobs are bigger than their heads," Pinkie said. "I mean, that's just..." She gestured wildly. "Ridiculous!"
"Insulting," Rarity added. "It insinuates a girl's entire worth is in her chest."
"It shows how ignorant boys really are about girls," Fluttershy added with a mild frown.
"No kiddin'," Rainbow said, waving a hand at Sunset. "That right there's about as big as they ever need to be!"
Sunset's cheeks flushed slightly. "Hey!"
"Oh, come on, you're pretty much the queen of tits here," Rainbow said dismissively.
"Really though," Twilight said, "if these boys even found a girl whose breasts were that big, and, you know..." Her cheeks turned red. "Got to do things like that..."
Applejack snorted. "They'd probably hafta pay for it," she said, crossing her arms.
"...Well, yes, but that aside," Twilight said, "what then? I mean, you look at those grotesquely huge, fake-looking breasts, and it's like, what do you even do with that? Use both hands just on one?"
The other girls stared at her. Eyebrows went up. "You seem to have put a lot of thought into this, darling," Rarity commented with a small smile.
Twilight's cheeks flushed even more. "I...! It's just, I see things like that and I can't help but overthink it! Like the logistics, and the...well...back pain!"
Every girl at the table grimaced.
"Yeah," Pinkie said. "I don't get why women even want big titties like that. I mean, the ones who actually go out and get those things. Don't they know what they're getting themselves into?"
"That's pretty much one of the two things I hate most about this body," Sunset groused. "I can see wanting smaller boobs, but bigger ones?"
"Oh! You know what else bothers me?" Pinkie said suddenly. "That guys either want a girl to be bald down there or have a crotch 'fro!"
Rainbow frowned. "Uhh, Pinkie? You wax."
Pinkie rolled her eyes. "Well, yeah, for me, not because it's what some boy wants."
Rarity grimaced. "Are we seriously talking about that now?"
"Ah agree," Applejack said. "This whole thing's gettin' way off track."
"Really? Because I'm pretty sure this whole thing started with pussy," Pinkie said.
"Then let's end it with pussy," Sunset said, pulling out her phone. Five seconds later, every phone at the table beeped.
"Is that...a cat...in a banana?" Rainbow asked, staring.
After two days of a horrifying political whirlwind concerning Filthy Rich's disastrous bid for mayor and the horrible, sexist remarks he'd been caught making, seven girls sat together at a pizza buffet, enjoying a Sunday afternoon of normalcy.
Then, out of nowhere, Pinkie Pie suddenly said, "You know, I just figured out what bothers me the most about this whole Pussygate thing."
"Oh god," Rainbow Dash moaned, burying her head in her hands. "I thought we were done talking about this..."
"No wait, listen!" Pinkie Pie said, holding up a hand. "I'm serious."
Rarity sighed. "Fine. What is it, aside from everything that disgusting man said?"
Pinkie raised a finger. "It's the whole 'grabbing' thing. I mean, grabbing? Really? I mean...grabbing ass? Grabbing boobs? Okay, yeah, that I get, but grabbing pussy?" She shook her head. "That's not something you grab. That's something you rub. Stroke. Finger, even. But grab? Nuh-uh."
The others stared at her, stunned speechless, most flushed in the face.
"Erm..." Rarity coughed. "Well...you do raise a valid point, darling."
Fluttershy frowned. "So what you're saying is he even fails at being a disgusting sexist pig?"
Princess Twilight Sparkle stared at the front of the video game case Rainbow Dash held proudly before her like a filly's first A+ on a book report. She tilted her head as she read the title.
"Final Fantasy XV? So...what, the fourteen that came before it weren't final enough?"
Rainbow snorted. "Pssh. It's just a name," she said. "An awesome name for a bunch of really awesome games!"
"They're that awesome? Really?" Sunset asked with a small smirk.
"I've been a huge fan of Final Fantasy since I was little," Rainbow Dash replied enthusiastically. "I mean, okay, some of 'em kinda suck, but most of 'em are awesome! Especially Final Fantasy VII." She laughed. "Remember when I went as Cloud for Halloween when we were twelve?"
Fluttershy ran her fingers through her hair, a mild pout on her face. "I remember you forced me to go as Aerith," she said. "I'm still not sure how I feel about that."
Sunset snickered. "Rainbow Dash dressed up as Cloud," she said. "I can totally see that."
"Yeah, it was awesome," Rainbow said, preening.
"Well it must be pretty popular if there's fifteen of them," Princess Twilight said. "Still, that title, though. I mean, I can't wrap my head around it. If it's the fifteenth game in the series, it...it just isn't very final..."
"Actually, there's a reason they're called that," Twilight said, pushing her glasses up and taking on her lecturing tone. "Thirty years ago, Square was struggling and facing bankruptcy. They'd been in business for a few years, but none of the games they were making were selling very well. Their lead designer was thinking of quitting the video game business and going back to college, but he wanted to make one last game with the company. They could only afford to develop and publish one more game, and he wanted to do an RPG. They decided to go ahead with it since some other RPGs were really popular then, and they named it Final Fantasy because they were all pretty sure it'd be the last game they ever made."
Princess Twilight leaned forward eagerly. "And then what happened?"
"It blew up," Rainbow Dash said. "Saved the company."
Twilight nodded. "They didn't waste any time making Final Fantasy II." She shrugged. "Then Final Fantasy III, and then when the next video game console came out, Final Fantasy IV. And so on and so on." She looked at the game Rainbow Dash held. "Now they're up to Final Fantasy XV."
Princess Twilight pursed her lips. "So they're making one every two years?"
"Eh, not exactly," Rainbow said. "They were makin' one every year for a while, then they had some gaps, then they started remaking some of the older ones in between workin' on the new ones. And there's a lot of like, side games. Not numbered FFs, but they have the title and they're all their own little thing. If you added up all of those, there's really like, I dunno, thirty or forty Final Fantasy games."
"Wow," Princess Twilight said. "So the title is because it was supposed to be their last game, but then it just sort of became a brand?"
"Pretty much."
"I guess that makes sense." Princess Twilight frowned. "Still, if the first one is thirty years old, doesn't that make it kinda hard for new players to get into it? I mean, if you're just starting, you'd have to track down and play fourteen games to get to the new one...it just seems like you'd get tired of it way before you got to fifteen."
"That's not how it works," Sunset said with a laugh. "I don't play these things, but I kinda know a little about them. They're not really sequels like..." She shrugged. "Like the Star Wars movies or the Daring Do books. It's not all one story. Actually, almost none of the Final Fantasy games have anything to do with each other except for stuff like the magic system, some of the monsters, basic stuff."
"Yeah," Rainbow said, nodding. "Every game is totally its own story with its own world and its own characters and everything. That's why if you don't like one you can just skip it. A lot of the big RPGs are like that."
"I had no idea you were such an RPG fan, Rainbow Dash," Sunset said, raising an eyebrow.
Rainbow snorted. "What, you think I wanna advertise it? Besides, I really just play Final Fantasy, and really only the ones that came out like, after I was born. I haven't even played Final Fantasy VII, just the games that have the characters in 'em and stuff." She sighed. "Man, when the remake drops next year, I don't even know how I'm gonna afford that..."
Princess Twilight looked around. "What about the rest of you? Do you girls play these games?"
Applejack shook her head. "Not mah thing. Ah'm more inta racin' games an' shooters."
"I like RPGs, but I'm more into Dragon Quest and the sillier ones," Pinkie said. "Final Fantasy gets too..." She shuddered. "It goes weird, dark places I don't like."
Rarity snorted. "Really, these games are so ridiculous. Especially the costume designs!" She paused. "Though I must admit when Rainbow Dash showed me a EweTube video of that...Sephiroth..." She let out a dreamy sigh. "I did have a moment of weakness."
"Because Sephiroth is so cool and so badass?" Rainbow said eagerly.
"Mmm, something like that," Rarity deferred.
"Umm, I've only played the Kingdom Hearts games," Fluttershy said meekly. "Other than that, I don't really like Square's games. I'm more into Pokemon."
"Kingdom Hearts," Rainbow snorted, rolling her eyes.
"Kingdom Hearts has a beautiful story!" Fluttershy said defensively.
"Yeah? How do you figure out what the hell order to play the games in to figure out what the story even IS?" Rainbow challenged.
Fluttershy drew back. "Well," she said. "Umm..." She paused. "That's..." She trailed off with a sigh. "I like it," she mumbled behind her hair.
Princess Twilight frowned. "Wait," she said. "I thought you said these games don't have connecting stories."
"Yeah, way different," Rainbow said with a snicker. "What's the next game? Kingdom Hearts 2.8 over 365 Pi to the Tenth: Dumbo Drop Dawn?"
Pinkie Pie exploded into a fit of giggles. "G-good one, Rainbow Dash!" she laughed.
Fluttershy crossed her arms and huffed. "The next game is HD 2.8 Final Chapter Prologue," she said with a sniff. "And just for your information, Kingdom Hearts III comes out later next year."
Princess Twilight frowned. "What are you two...fighting over?" she asked.
Sunset rolled her eyes, pulled out her phone, and ran an Internet search. Once she had what she was looking for, she handed her phone to Princess Twilight, who read the screen, her brow furrowing in confusion. "Oh," she said. She paused, then added, "...what?"
"See? She gets it!" Rainbow Dash exclaimed, throwing up her hands.
"No, I...I don't get it at all," Princess Twilight said.
"Exactly! You get it that you don't get it because you can't get it!"
Fluttershy's face turned red. Eyes narrowed, she got right in Rainbow Dash's face. "At least I didn't play Lightning Returns," she hissed.
"Oooooh," Pinkie cooed as the room went quiet. "Them's fightin' words."
Rainbow Dash narrowed her eyes at Fluttershy. "That's it. I'm kickin' your ass."
Princess Twilight grew alarmed. "Rainbow Dash! You can't—"
Rainbow Dash pulled her 3DS out of her pocket.
Fluttershy smirked. "Sure, I've got ten seconds to kill," she said as she pulled out her own 3DS.
Sunset facepalmed. "Oy."
Princess Twilight blinked. "I don't understand. What's going—"
"Best leave this one alone," Applejack said tiredly. "Rainbow done poked the bear."
"You know," Rarity mused, "it does sometimes seem like this little group of friends can't have a conversation without it ending up someplace silly, or in some sort of drama..."
The public address system crackled to life, and Principal Celestia's voice sang out across the school:
"It's Annoying Jingle Day!"
Twilight poked Sunset in the arm. "What's Annoying Jingle Day?"
Ms. Harshwhinny threw a piece of chalk at Twilight. "Normal speech is not allowed!" she sang.
Twilight blinked. "Uhh...what's Annoying Jingle Day?" she sang.
Sunset rolled her eyes. "You just answered that yourself," she sang as she scribbled a note on a sheet of paper, tore it off, and passed it to Twilight:
Annoying Jingle Day is this stupid thing we do once a month where all day long you can only talk in sentences sung to the tune of that really annoying insurance jingle. It's something Pinkie Pie came up with, but Celestia liked the idea so much she made it a thing.
"Oh," Twilight said. At Harshwhinny's glare, she coughed and amended, "Oh I see, that sounds like fun..."
* * * * *
"Why did you agree to this?" Luna sang tiredly.
Celestia shrugged. "It seemed like a good idea..."
* * * * *
All throughout the school, conversations were carried out in short seven-syllable bursts of song:
"Can I borrow your chem notes?" Rainbow Dash asked Twilight.
"I can copy them for you," Twilight sang, getting into the spirit of the game.
"Wanna go out Friday night?" Skunk Rock asked Rarity.
"Sorry, have to wash my hair," Rarity replied.
"Are you coming to the game?" Rainbow asked her friends.
"Wouldn't miss it for the world," Sunset sang with a smile.
"Sorry can't I've got a thing," Fluttershy sang sadly.
"It's okay, I understand," Rainbow reassured her.
Even the kind of conversations people ought to have in private were not spared the silliness that is Annoying Jingle Day.
"Pinkie Pie has awesome boobs," Snails said as he watched Pinkie Pie walk by wearing a low-cut powder blue tank top.
"I could play with those all day," Snips agreed.
"You guys are a bunch of pervs," Apple Bloom informed them crossly.
"She should really wear a bra," Scootaloo commented.
"Who needs bras, I like my boobs!" Pinkie sang as she walked past, giggling.
* * * * *
It made teaching difficult for the faculty:
"This will all be on your test."
"We are having a pop quiz."
"We're watching a film today."
"Now let's talk about the Plague."
"Turn your phones off in my class!"
* * * * *
"Chicken parm you taste so good," Rainbow sang as she bit into her sandwich in the cafeteria.
Rarity rolled her eyes. "Don't just copy from the ads," she admonished.
"Yeah, Rainbow, that's really lame," Pinkie said.
"Y'all know this is stupid, right?" Applejack sang boredly.
The hot July sun blazed down on Sweet Apple Acres.
"Ugh," Scootaloo complained as the Crusaders lay on the cool grass by the old creek pond. "It's so hot..."
With the weather as hot as it was, Apple Bloom was dressed in a light T-shirt and shorts and was barefoot; Scootaloo had on knee-length canvas shorts and a tank top, and Sweetie Belle was overdressed for the weather in a pink skirt and black-and-white striped crop top with sandals. She was sweating more than the other two combined. "My stupid bra's gonna give me a rash," Sweetie Belle whined.
"An' that's why Ah don't wear one yet," Apple Bloom said. "Not till Ah need it."
"You kinda already do," Scootaloo pointed out.
"Yeah, you'll probably get a worse rash than me," Sweetie Belle said. She fished a handkerchief out of her pocket and dabbed at her forehead. "Ugh, I'm so bored! But it's too hot to do anything."
"We could go to the movies," Scootaloo suggested.
"Nothin' good's playin'," Apple Bloom said.
"Yeah, but at least the movie theater has air conditioning."
"And costs too much!" Sweetie Belle complained. "I need to save my money for that sale next week."
"An' Ah can't afford it right now, now that Granny done made me pay fer mah own phone bill," Apple Bloom muttered.
"Ouch," Sweetie Belle said.
The Crusaders sighed. Scootaloo plucked a few blades of grass from the ground, then flicked them away one by one.
"Ah know!" Apple Bloom said suddenly, sitting up with a mischievous grin. "Ain't nobody around for miles an' this here pond's surrounded by trees...let's go fer a swim an' cool off!"
Sweetie Belle pursed her lips. "But we don't have bathing suits," she said.
"Who needs 'em?" Apple Bloom said dismissively. "We can go skinny dippin'! Ain't nobody gonna know."
Scootaloo stiffened. "Uhh..."
Sweetie Belle tilted her head. "You mean, just...get naked? Out here in the middle of the farm?"
"Why not?" Apple Bloom said. "Me an' Applejack used t' do it all the time when Ah was little! Ain't gone fer a swim in this ol' pond in a dog's age, but if'n there was ever a day fer a good ol' skinny dip, today's th' day!" She stretched her arms over her head. "Like Ah said, ain't nobody gonna see, an' it's just us girls, so why not?" Even as she said it, she stripped off her T-shirt and started unbuttoning her shorts.
"I don't think that's a good idea," Scootaloo said nervously.
"Oh, come on!" Apple Bloom said, kicking her shorts away idly. "Like Ah said, it's perfectly safe! We're all alone out here, an' ain't nobody ever comes this deep in th' farm except us Apples!"
Sweetie Belle blushed, but kicked off her sandals and stood up, stripping off her shirt. "W-well...I guess it couldn't hurt," she said. She carefully folded her top, then started to slip out of her skirt. "C'mon, Scootaloo!"
"I...I can't," Scootaloo said, turning away from the other Crusaders.
Apple Bloom frowned as she peeled off her panties. "Why not? You ain't afraid of a little swimmin', are ya?"
"It's not even that deep a pond," Sweetie Belle said as she unhooked her bra. "You can just wade, tread water—"
"It's not that!" Scootaloo said. "I...I just don't think it's a good idea."
Apple Bloom snorted. "Oh, come on! We've done way crazier things together than this! Whut, you think you got somethin' we ain't seen before?" she added teasingly.
"We're all girls here, and we're best friends!" Sweetie Belle said as she stretched, the sun beating down on her bare body.
"You're not embarrassed just because you're flat as an ironin' board, are ya?" Apple Bloom asked. "Because we're your friends, we're not gonna tease ya for it like Diamond Tiara does."
"It's not that," Scootaloo said again.
"Well then whut's th' problem?" Apple Bloom asked, marching around to face Scootaloo, hands on her hips. "Why don't you wanna go skinny dippin' with us?"
Scootaloo looked away, head bowed, and sighed. "Because I'm not a girl," Scootaloo said.
Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle blinked at that, looked at each other in confusion, then looked back at Scootaloo, who was refusing to look at either of them.
"Huh?" Sweetie Belle asked.
"Whaddya mean you ain't a girl, Scootaloo?" Apple Bloom cried. "Course y'are! We've been friends since fifth grade, Ah think we'd know—"
Scootaloo stood up, walking a few steps away. "In all that time, have you ever seen me naked?"
"Yeah, of course!" Apple Bloom said. Then she paused, frowning. "Ah think. Sweetie Belle?"
"Umm..." Sweetie Belle's brow furrowed.
"You've seen me shirtless, but you've never seen me totally naked," Scootaloo said. "I know because I don't change with the girls. I go out of my way to be the first one in and first one out or the last one in when everybody else is gone."
Apple Bloom and Sweetie Belle gave each other uncertain looks. "But..."
"And I've never seen either of you naked either," Scootaloo said. "Well, until just now when Apple Bloom got right in my face." Scootaloo's face flushed.
"Wait, wait, wait," Sweetie Belle said. "How can you not be a girl? You're in girls' gym classes. You were in the special health class for all the girls! You wore a dress to the Fall Formal!" She shook her head. "No, Scootaloo, you're a girl!"
"I'm really not," Scootaloo said.
"Well you ain't a boy neither," Apple Bloom said.
Scootaloo shrugged. "I'd take off my shorts and prove you wrong, but that'd make things more weird than they already are."
The other two Crusaders looked at each other again, uncertainty and hesitation on their faces. "No, this...this doesn't add up," Sweetie Belle insisted. "This is a joke, right?"
"It's gotta be," Apple Bloom said.
"It's no joke," Scootaloo said. "I'm not a girl. I'm a boy. I've got a dick and everything."
"But...your mom and dad, and...and Rainbow Dash and...and everybody! I mean, everybody calls you a girl!"
"Yeah, how can you say you're not a girl when everybody knows you're a girl?" Apple Bloom demanded.
Scootaloo let out a frustrated groan. "Because my whole life, everybody keeps forgetting what sex I am." Scootaloo stood up, pacing, arms flailing, all the while never looking at either of the other Crusaders. "I tell people I'm a boy, they forget it within ten minutes. My own parents think I'm a girl! Even though I've never been into anything girly, they say I'm just a tomboy, that it's fine for a girl to be interested in more guy stuff, and so forth and so on. All the teachers at school think I'm a girl."
Apple Bloom frowned. "How can your parents not know if you're a girl or a boy?" she asked. "Ah mean, they'd kinda be th' first ones t' know..."
"Because they wanted a daughter," Scootaloo said. "They wanted a daughter so bad, but Mom can't have any more kids because something went wrong when she was pregnant with me and they had to operate on her. So..." Scootaloo shrugged.
Sweetie Belle's eyes turned sad. "That's...that's terrible..."
"So yeah," Scootaloo said, hands jammed firmly in pockets. "As far as my parents are concerned I'm a girl. I gave up trying to get them to stop treating me like a girl when I was seven. They register me for school and stuff as a girl, so it's pointless to try to tell my teachers I'm not a girl."
Sweetie Belle and Apple Bloom exchanged a look. "But...we've been your best friends forever an' we're girls," Apple Bloom pointed out. "If you're a boy, wouldn't...wouldn't your best friends be—"
Scootaloo snorted. "What, sex has anything to do with who you can be friends with?"
"W-well...no, but—"
"You're my best friends because I like hanging out with you and we have fun together and you don't care about stupid things like what I've got in my pants," Scootaloo said. "You girls are the best friends I could ever have, and..." Scootaloo clenched a trembling fist. "That's...I don't want to lose that."
Apple Bloom walked over and laid a hand on Scootaloo's shoulder. "An' you won't," she said. "We don't care. Ah mean, sure, Ah've got a whole bunch'a questions now, an' Ah'm sure Sweetie Belle does too." She looked over at Sweetie Belle, who had hurriedly gathered up her clothes and was quickly dressing, her face burning red. "But ain't nothin' gonna change our friendship. You...you know that, right?" Slowly, she turned Scootaloo around to face her, offering a hopeful smile.
"Man, this bites!" Rainbow Dash complained, tossing her history test into the air in frustration.
Sunset Shimmer snatched it out of the air and looked at the bright red grade mark at the top of the page, wincing. "Ouch. That's gonna pull down your average."
"Don't fret too much about it, Rainbow," Applejack said boredly, looking over her own test. "Ah barely got a C-."
"Solid B here," Pinkie said cheerfully.
The others looked at each other with trepidation. "On three?" Sunset suggested. Fluttershy, Rarity, and Twilight smiled nervously. Sunset counted, and the four girls laid their papers down. None of them had scored less than an A. Twilight and Sunset had gotten perfect scores.
Rainbow threw her hands up in the air. "That's just not fair!" she cried. "How the hell?"
"Umm...we studied?" Fluttershy offered meekly.
"Yeah, Rainbow, all you gotta do is pay attention in class and study," Twilight said.
"It really isn't that difficult, darling," Rarity added.
Rainbow groaned, covering her head with her hands as she pressed her chin against the table. "Easy for you to say," she muttered. She glared at Sunset. "And how the hell did you ace a history test? You're not even from this world!"
Sunset rolled her eyes. "Gee, I wonder," she said. "What would an alien trying to blend in with a completely unfamiliar culture and a completely unfamiliar body have to do to not only convince everybody she was one of them and belonged here, but also dominate the school by becoming the most popular, and then the most feared, girl on campus?" She shot Rainbow an annoyed glare. "After I got myself set up here and starving to death wasn't an issue anymore, I spent sixteen hours a day studying everything I could about this world, including history and current affairs, just so I could keep up."
Jaws dropped around the table. "Sixteen hours?!" Pinkie exclaimed.
"Wow," Twilight said. "Even by my standards that's excessive." At the incredulous looks this drew, she blushed and fiddled with her collar. "Umm...I stop at twelve? Fourteen tops?"
"But darling, that would mean you only stopped studying to sleep, eat, and one would assume bathe," Rarity said. "You...you did nothing else with your time? At all?"
Sunset shrugged. "Having a social life would've gotten in the way of everything I was trying to do, except for when I was dating Flash to get noticed. Even then, most of our 'dates' were just study sessions. I'd go home from school, then from four to eleven I'd study everything I could get hold of. Not just history, but pop culture—TV, music, anything that it seemed it'd be useful to know."
"And all of it to carry out your evil plans," Rarity said, shaking her head.
"Yeah, well..." Sunset sighed. "Bad intentions aside, the end result is I crammed a lifetime's worth of information into my head in a couple of years, and now I'm..." She gestured vaguely. "Well, let's just say it paid off in the end."
"So, umm...you weren't like that before, right?" Fluttershy asked curiously. "I mean, back where you came from?"
Sunset tilted her head in thought, then grimaced. "Actually...yyyyeah, I kinda was," she admitted. "For totally different reasons, mind, but...if I wasn't studying magic, practicing magic, or trying to learn things Princess Celestia didn't want me learning, I...pretty much wasn't doing anything." She sighed. "Wow. I wasted a lot of my life." She shook her head with a rueful chuckle. "Wonder how much differently I'd have turned out if I'd bothered to make just one friend in that whole school..."
"Things'd sure be a lot different around here if you had," Applejack said. "Ah mean, we wouldn't'a had all th' magic shenanigans an' whut not, but...we'd also never'a met either Twilight, an'..." She frowned. "Huh. Well, Ah dunno whut else'd be different, honestly." She shook her head. "But Ah think we're better off with you here, an' Twilight, an'...an' all th' crazy stuff we done been through together."
"Well, maybe not all of it, darling," Rarity drawled, "but the sort of drama we've been through together has unquestionably forged strong friendships that...that might not have been as strong otherwise." She grimaced. "I mean, look at us. How different we are. If we hadn't shared such adventures together, I suspect we might have drifted apart by now."
"It's probably best not to think about things like that," Pinkie Pie said. "That kind of thing can turn into a real downer really fast."
"Pinkie Pie's right," Twilight said. "Don't worry about what might have been or what could've happened if things were different. Just...let's just all be happy we're all here together and that we'll always be best friends." She paused, shuffling her hands self-consciously. "Umm...right? Is that...is that right?"
"Couldn't have said it better myself," Sunset said with a warm smile.
Equestria, an alternate timeline...
"So it turns out becoming a princess just...isn't my destiny," Sunset Shimmer said.
"I thought that seemed rather far-fetched."
"It does seem like something that isn't...possible."
"Actually, it's not impossible. I mean, Princess Cadance wasn't born an alicorn princess. Unfortunately, no scholars in the history of Equestria have ever been able to study the phenomenon of how a pony becomes an alicorn, since...well, since it's only happened once in the history of Equestria."
"But still...I thought you said Princess Celestia told you you were going to be a princess one day? Her equal? Why would she tell you something like that, get your hopes up, and then dash them?"
Sunset looked around the table at her three friends, shrugged, then kicked up her hooves. "I asked her about that, actually," she said. "Thing is, you know the legend of the Mare in the Moon?" At her friends' nods, she continued, "Well, it's not so much a legend as it is historical fact. The Mare in the Moon, Nightmare Moon, is her sister Princess Luna."
"Anypony who's read the annotated journals of Starswirl the Bearded knows that," the lone stallion at the table said.
"Yeah, well, most ponies haven't," Sunset said. "Anyway, there's this prophecy tied into Nightmare Moon's return that a powerful young unicorn will appear shortly before the thousand years have passed, and that unicorn will have the power to resurrect the Elements of Harmony. The prophecy says that unicorn will become a princess and change Equestria forever."
"And Princess Celestia thought it was you?" one of the two mares asked.
"Yeah, at first," Sunset said. "But...thing is, and she was so sad and so sorry when she told me this that I just couldn't stay mad at her...she forgot about the third Cutie Mark on the trunk of the Tree of Harmony."
"The Tree of Harmony?" the other mare present scoffed. "Now you're just making stuff up."
"No, it's real," Sunset said. "She showed it to me." She chuckled. "Big glowy tree in a cave in the Everfree Forest, has three Cutie Marks on the trunk. Hers, one she says belongs to Princess Luna, and a third. A six-pointed star." Sunset blew on her bangs. "Last I checked, I don't have a star on my flank."
"A six-pointed star," the stallion said thoughtfully. "I know a pony like that. A filly, just started going here a few months ago."
"Yeah," Sunset said. "That's her. Twilight Sparkle. She's the one who's supposed to be a princess...if she can learn everything Celestia wants her to learn."
"And you're not upset about this at all?" one of the mares asked. "That you've effectively been tossed aside like an old dress, replaced?"
"Nah," Sunset said. "I mean, okay, yeah, it's kind of a bummer I won't be a princess, but...I don't exactly envy Twilight Sparkle having to face down Nightmare Moon one day, you know?" She shrugged. "Besides, now that I know what's going on, I can relax, kinda ease up a little on my studies. Spend more time with you guys."
"Well, we'll certainly be happy for that."
"Yeah, maybe you can help me with that transfiguration spell I keep having trouble with."
"Oh! We could take a trip to my old village! That penpal I've been telling you about? I bet she'd love to meet you all! After all, it's thanks to your advice that I kept in touch with her."
Sunset smiled. "I'd like that." Her stomach rumbled. "But you know what I'd really like right now? A hayburger. C'mon, guys, let's go get some food. Sassy, it's your turn to treat."
"Sequins and sashes, I hope I have enough bits..."
Sunset Shimmer, Sunburst, Sassy Saddles, and Trixie Lulamoon left the student commons of the School for Gifted Unicorns, trotting through the streets of Canterlot. Sunset looked over her group of friends and smiled.
Life in Canterlot was perfect. Become a princess? Who needed it!
Rainbow Dash walked into band practice with bloodshot eyes, a general hung-over slump to her posture, a mug of tea in one hand, and a jar of honey in the other. "Hey guys," she said in a scratchier voice than usual. "Sunset, can you take over on lead everything for me today?"
Sunset Shimmer blinked. "Sure," she said, retuning her guitar and adjusting her knobs as the rest of the girls stared at Rainbow. "What's wrong? Are you coming down with something?"
Rainbow shook her head. "Did this to myself," she croaked. "You know how sometimes you get a song stuck in your head and it won't go away?" As the others nodded and made noises of agreement, she said, "That was me all weekend. I...I just couldn't stop singing..." She took a sip of tea and added more honey to it, stirring it idly. "Even now, I've...I've got it playing on my phone..." She tugged at her earbud cords. "I totally trashed my voice."
"Yikes." Sunset shook her head. "I know how you feel, though. I've been the same way all weekend. Got a really catchy song stuck in my head Friday, it's still there." She absently strummed a riff. She missed Rainbow's eyes widening.
"Earworms are the worst," Pinkie Pie agreed. "It's like, okay, it's an awesome song and I love awesome fun songs, but after a few days, it's like, make it stoooooop!" She tapped out a rhythm on her drums. Rainbow's head turned to her, her mouth working silently.
"Ah know whutcha mean," Applejack said as she idly picked at her bass. "Apple Bloom an' Big Mac was watchin' somethin' this weekend an' there was this song, an' Ah jes'...Ah can't git it outta mah head!"
By now, Rainbow was shaking her head in disbelief while Fluttershy was staring at her bandmates with a confused frown. Sunset's absent strumming, Applejack's idle picking, and Pinkie's dismissive tapping had somehow converged into a song. The same song. A song they'd never played before.
"Umm...girls?" Fluttershy asked.
Rarity blinked. "Are we doing a new song? Nobody told me we were..." She pursed her lips, concentrating, and began playing along on her keytar. "How odd," she mused. "I...I seem to know this song..."
"What's going on here?" Fluttershy wondered.
"Dude," Rainbow said, staring at the others. "No friggin' way."
Sunset, Pinkie, and Applejack all realized what they were doing at the same time, stopped, and looked around at each other, blinking. "The heck?" Sunset said.
"Freaky-deaky!" Pinkie exclaimed.
"Huh. Ain't that somethin'," Applejack grunted.
"That's the same song I've been singing all weekend!" Rainbow said.
Rarity blinked. "Huh. What are the odds of that?"
"Is this an Equestrian magic thing?" Fluttershy wondered.
Sunset snorted. "Honestly? I think it's more like a cable TV thing." She shook her head and went back to playing; Pinkie and Applejack joined in, with Rarity following along while Fluttershy did her best to keep up on tamborine.
The door opened, and Twilight Sparkle walked in. She blinked. "Seriously? You girls too?"
"Hey Twilight," Rainbow rasped. "Whaddya mean 'us too'?"
Twilight shook her head. "I've been hearing this song all over school all day today. It's so weird..."
As Twilight took a seat, Octavia Melody poked her head in, frowning. "Good grief, is there no escape from this song?"
"Wow, even the Rainbooms," Ditzy Doo said as she looked in. "And I thought it was just Flash and his band that were obsessed with this song..."
"Where did this song even come from?" Twilight wondered.
"Some cartoon everybody claims to hate," Sunset Shimmer said as she played through the bridge. "Funny thing, for a show everybody hates, they sure do watch it a lot..."
"Hey," Pinkie said suddenly, "wouldn't it be funny if we all ponied up and the song took us all to that crazy radical world like it does in the cartoon?"
Spike the Dog padded into Twilight Sparkle's bedroom, a pensive look on his face. The sun had gone down, the family had eaten dinner, and Twilight was sitting on her bed, not yet changed into her pajamas but dressed in comfortable, casual around-the-house clothes. Spike hopped up onto the bed, sat down on the foot, and looked up at his mistress. "Hey, Twilight?"
Twilight looked up from her book. "Yeah, Spike?"
Spike flicked one ear with a rear leg. "I wanted to ask you something. Something that's been bothering me."
Twilight's face went pale with dread. "Oh no," she moaned. "Fluttershy warned me about this. This, umm...is this about, y'know, your..." She coughed. "Balls?"
"Huh?" Spike tilted his head. "Oh! Nono, I looked that up on the Internet. I'm not happy about it but I kinda get why, and I don't really miss 'em."
"Oh. Whew." Twilight let out a huge sigh of relief. "Okay, so what's up?"
"Why won't any of the girls let me sniff their butts?"
Twilight made a funny choke-splutter sound, her glasses falling askew. "WHAT?!"
Spike flumped down on the mattress. "I tried to sniff Rarity today and she yelled at me," he whined.
"Uh-umm..." Twilight's face burned crimson. "W-well, that's...that's because!"
"Because why?"
"Umm..." Twilight coughed. "Be...cause, well..." She shook her head. "It may be normal canine behavior, but for humans, it...it isn't...a thing. We do."
"Well yeah, I know you don't," Spike said. "But like you just said, it's normal canine behavior. I'm a canine. So why?"
Twilight adjusted her glasses. "W-well..." She coughed into her fist. "It's just...humans, girls especially, are, well...really sensitive about invasion of their personal space. Especially around, umm...certain areas of the body."
Spike raised an eyebrow. "You mean like how you screamed for five minutes straight when Pinkie Pie squeezed your tit that one time!"
"YES! Yes, exactly that!" Twilight stammered.
"But I don't wanna touch it, I just wanna give it a sniff!"
"It's the same thing!" Twilight said. "You just...you don't walk up to a girl and..." She ducked her head. "Smell their butt!"
"But I need to, Twilight!" Spike insisted. "So far the only girl whose anus I've sniffed is yours! I need to sniff the others!"
Twilight yelped, scooting backward on the bed. "Wh-wh-when did you...?" She squeezed her thighs together, her hair beginning to frazzle. "When did you smell my—"
"When you were asleep," Spike said. "A couple days after I started talking."
"Umm...w-well...please don't...ever...do that again," Twilight said, her face a deep red-purple and her irises contracted to pinpricks.
Spike rolled his eyes. "What's the big deal?" he complained. "It's just a butt. You can sniff mine all you want, I won't complain."
"GAH! I don't wanna smell it!" Twilight cried. "It's bad enough I have to smell what comes out of it after I walk you!"
"Yeah, what's up with that, anyway?" Spike asked, shaking his head. "You humans are obsessed with picking up dog turds. Don't you know what turds are for?"
Twilight coughed. "Y-yeah, that one I'll agree with you on," she said. "The laws about picking up after your dog are kinda stupid when leaving it there would be better for the environment, plus it's just really gross having to mess with all that."
Spike snorted. "Sure, it's gross picking mine up, but you and your family put yours in the big water bowl. You don't see me complaining."
"The big...?" Twilight blinked. Her nose crinkled. "Eww, Spike! Don't drink out of the toilet!"
"Aww, but it's got so much more water in it!"
"But it's not a water dish! It's bad to drink out of that! And anyway, you might fall in!"
Spike shrugged. "Dog's gotta do what a dog's gotta do," he said. "Anyway, we're getting off the subject here. You still haven't given me a really good explanation for why I can't sniff the girls' butts."
Twilight dragged her hand down her face. "You just...you just can't," she insisted.
"But why though?"
"AUGH!" Twilight threw up her hands in frustration, pulled out her phone, and called Fluttershy. When Fluttershy picked up, she put her phone on the bed and put it on speaker. "Fluttershy? Spike has a question, and I'm not sure how to give him an answer he'll accept."
//Oh...oh my. Is it about...his balls?//
"No, he's surprisingly okay with that. It's...well...you're on speaker, I'll just let him ask you." She nodded to Spike, who approached the phone and sniffed it curiously.
"Fluttershy?" Spike asked.
//Yes, Spike? Oh, and good evening. Did you have a good day?//
"More or less," Spike said. "Chased a squirrel, barked at the guy who keeps putting stuff in the door, rolled in some leaves. Supper was kinda stale, but Dad gave me scraps off his plate."
"Spike," Twilight hissed. "Get on with it!"
"Oh, right." Spike inched his nose closer to the phone. "Fluttershy, why won't Rarity let me sniff her butt, and why does Twilight think it's a bad thing for me to sniff girls' butts?"
There was a long silence.
Then, a soft giggle.
//Oh. Oh my. Oh. Heheh. Umm. Wow, I wasn't expecting that.// Fluttershy coughed to smother a laugh. //Okay, umm. Sorry. Okay. Spike? I know it's normal for you to want to sniff your friends' butts, and...and me and Twilight and Rarity and the other girls are all your friends now, but, well...// She paused. //Umm. For humans, butt-sniffing, well...it's something you only do with somebody you're gonna have puppies with. It's really, really not something you let just anybody do, even if they're good friends. Do you understand?//
Spike blinked. "Oh." His brow furrowed. "Oh. Oh man. I mean, I like Rarity, she's pretty and she smells nice, but...I don't think I want her to have my puppies. Umm, if I...if I could have puppies I mean." He started pacing on the bed. "So...so if I sniff the girls' butts, they're gonna think I wanna...make puppies?"
//Mm-hmm.//
"Oh. Okay. Thanks for clearing that up. You make a lot more sense than Twilight. Heh, funny, she's supposed to be the smart one."
"HEY!" Twilight cried.
Fluttershy giggled. //Glad I could clear that up. G'nite, Spike! G'nite Twilight!//
"Goodnight Fluttershy!" Twilight said.
"Nite, Fluttershy," Spike added as Twilight picked up her phone and ended the call.
"So, happy now?" Twilight asked.
"Yeah yeah," Spike said, rolling his eyes. "I get it now. No more sniffing human butts."
"Glad to hear it," Twilight said, shifting around into a comfortable position and going back to her book. Spike curled up on the end of the bed after making a few circles in place.
A few minutes later, he looked up at Twilight with one eye. "Hey Twilight?"
"Yeah, Spike?"
"How come when I throw up on something I'm saving for later, Mom picks it up and throws it away?"
Applejack eyed her MyStable feed with a twinge of annoyance.
Typical peachy, lol...so boring
She blew on her bangs, her eyes narrowed in irritation.
The comment was in response to a photo she'd posted of the Apples' prize red delicious tree, Bloomberg, who had a record crop of unusually large, ripe, shiny apples coming along. Bloomberg was her pride and joy, and she was especially pleased with the finest crop the old tree had ever produced.
Yes, apples and farming were her passion. They were her life. She could understand how some might not find that very interesting, but that wasn't any reason to go off and call her boring.
It damn sure wasn't cause to go off and call her boring for being a "peachy".
"What's up, Applejack?" Apple Bloom asked, shuffling into the room. She glanced at Applejack's computer screen and winced. "Ouch."
"Eeyup," Applejack said with a bored sigh.
"Ah can't believe people sometimes, y'know?" Apple Bloom said, sitting down next to Applejack and crossing her arms and legs. "Me an' Taps are on th' outs 'cuz he got mad at me fer 'actin' yellah', whutever th' hell that means."
Applejack frowned. "You're puttin' up with this kinda shit too?"
"Eeyup." Apple Bloom sighed. "Hell's that supposed t' mean anyway, 'actin' yellah'?"
"Damned if Ah know," Applejack snorted. "Ah personally know two, maybe three yellah gals, an' ain't none'a y'all act nothin' alike!" She frowned. "When'd this all start, anyway?"
"Shoot, Ah dunno," Apple Bloom said. "We was doin' homework an' watchin' TV, then it jes' came outta nowhere..."
"Hmm." Applejack pursed her lips. "Let's ask Fluttershy if she knows whut it means. She's so worried about ever' little thing folks say, she's bound t' know..." She pullled out her phone and put Fluttershy on video call.
"Oh hello, Applejack! Apple Bloom. What's up?"
"Fluttershy, whut's it mean when people say we're 'actin' yellah'?" Apple Bloom blurted out.
Fluttershy blinked. "Oh. Oh my." Her irises contracted to pinpricks. "Is...is somebody saying that about you?"
"Tender Taps," Apple Bloom said. "We're kinda fussin' right now."
"Oh." Fluttershy blushed. "Um. How did that...start?"
"Shoot, Ah dunno! That's why we called, see if we can figger out whut it might mean."
"Oh. Um. Okay." Fluttershy ducked her head and coughed. "W-well. You know how pink-skinned people, especially girls, have kind of a reputation for being, well...out of control wild party animals?"
Applejack chuckled. "An' at least one pink gal we know is exactly that," she said.
"Well...yes...but I don't just mean what Pinkie Pie normally does. I mean, umm..." Fluttershy blushed. "The...the kind of party you have, umm...naked...and sometimes sell videos of it online..."
"Oh," Applejack said, blinking. "Uhh...okay, that's a new one on me."
"Oh yeah, that whole super-slut reputation pinks have," Apple Bloom said, nodding.
"W-well..." Fluttershy coughed. "Yellows...we don't have, umm...that reputation? But, umm...there's kind of this stereotype associated with being yellow where you, umm...h-have a dirty mind. Like, a really dirty mind." She blushed furiously.
Apple Bloom groaned. "Oh, is THAT whut it is?" She shook her head and sighed. "Taps is actin' all stupid jes' cuz Ah got mah mind in th' gutter? Ah thought it was somethin' serious!" She stood up and stretched. "Thanks, Fluttershy. That was buggin' me somethin' fierce."
"Oh, umm...you're welcome," Fluttershy said. "Was...was that all?"
"Yep, that's all, bye!" Apple Bloom waved. Applejack frowned, disconnected the call, and stood up.
"Now you jes' wait a dang second!" she yelled. "What's this about you havin' yer mind in th' gutter?"
"EEP!" Apple Bloom took off like a shot, her sister chasing her all over the house.
* * * * *
Flash winced at the comments on Applejack's MyStable post. "Ouch." He sighed and went back to changing his A-string. "Hey, uhh...Sunset? I'm not...I'm not boring, am I?"
Sunset, who was tuning her guitar across from him, blinked. "W-well...not really?" She shook her head. "I mean, umm..." She coughed. "You play guitar, you're a good guy, you help people out all the time, you've got a cool car..."
"Yeah yeah, but..." Flash sighed. "It just seems sometimes like I'm just in the background, like...like I don't stand out or anything." He scratched at his arm, frowning. "I just..." He winced. "Do people just see me as a boring peachy?"
Sunset groaned, pinching the bridge of her nose. "I swear to Celestia, I will never understand chromism." She shook her head. "These chromist stereotypes are just so stupid..."
"W-well, yeah, but..." Flash took a moment to tighten his strings. "You gotta admit, they're not totally...I mean..." He frowned. "Look at Rainbow Dash and Trixie. I mean, they're both blue, and they're super showoffs. Y'know, like people say about blues."
Sunset groaned. "Sugarcoat from Crystal Prep is blue and she isn't a super showoff."
"Yeah, but their Lemon Zest is kind of a crazy party girl, and, well..."
Sunset winced. "Okay, you know? I'm not even gonna argue about the pinkist stereotypes, because..." She deflated. "I honestly can't. I mean, every pink girl I know is kind of a party animal. I mean, not the super slut stereotype party animal, but..." She frowned. "Wow, I'm trying to say chromism is stupid, and here I am proving it's..." She bit her lip. "Gah."
"See what I mean?" Flash exclaimed. "I hate these chromist stereotypes, but...but they kinda stick sometimes. I mean, I'm a peachy and I feel like I'm...pretty dull and bland. I look at Rainbow Dash and I see all the blue stereotypes." He shook his head. "I don't know what to think."
"I know what to think," Sunset said. "You shouldn't expect a person to act a certain way just because their skin is a certain color. You have to understand everybody for who they are, regardless of what they look like, and accept them for their own uniqueness." She blinked, then chuckled. "Wow. That got preachy."
"A little, yeah," Flash said. "But you're right." He sighed. "I'm just being stupid about this. I guess...because lately I just feel like I don't matter."
Sunset walked over and wrapped an arm around his shoulders. "You do matter, Flash," she said. "And you're not boring! Not you, not the Apples! Don't let anybody convince you otherwise, got it?"
Flash smiled. "Yeah. Thanks."
The door to the music room opened, and Fluttershy peeked in. "Sunset? I wanted to—oh." Her eyes widened. "Oh my. I'm sorry. Um. I'll go now." She started to close the door, then paused. "Do you two, umm...need any protection? Or lotion? Or...or anything? Are you good? Are you—"
"FLUTTERSHY!" Sunset yelled, face flaming. "We're just working on our guitars, not—GAH!"
"Eep! S-sorry!" Fluttershy closed the door quickly, her face flaming.
Sunset and Flash sat awkwardly for a long moment, refusing to look at each other.
Flash coughed pointedly. "So uhh...do I even need to point out—"
Sunset groaned and facepalmed. "Don't," she said. "Just...don't."
A loud shout drew their attention to the window. Pinkie Pie ran by outside, completely naked.
Applejack stared blankly at her phone, at the cryptic two-character text which stared blandly back at her, taunting her with its lack of clarity. "An' this is why Ah hate emojis," she said flatly.
It was late Saturday night. After a long day of hanging out and doing girl stuff together, the Rainbooms had gone their separate ways. Applejack had just taken a nice hot shower and changed into her favorite pajamas and was about to hit the hay when she got the most baffling text message she'd ever received. It was from a number she didn't recognize, and consisted of only two emojis:
(eggplant, taco)
Scratching her head, Applejack thumbed over to her contacts and called Sunset Shimmer. She picked up after two rings.
//Hey AJ, what's up?//
"Sorry t' bother you so late, sugarcube, but Ah just got th' dangedest text..."
//The eggplant taco thing? Yeah, I got it too. So did Pinkie, she texted me about it.//
Applejack blinked. "Huh. Reckon we all got it?"
//Wouldn't surprise me.//
Applejack's forehead scrunched up. "Well, whuddya reckon it means?"
//Honestly? I have no idea. Pinkie had this really dumb, random interpretation of it that made less sense than the text, but, well, Pinkie Pie.//
Applejack chuckled. "Well, Ah reckon whutever—dang it, hang on, got another call."
It was Rainbow Dash.
//Did you get that crazy text?//
"Eeyup. So did everyone, apparently." Just then, three text notifications came in, each from a different friend. Applejack sighed. "Guess there won't be any gettin' t' bed until we all jabber on about this. Hang on, Ah'm gonna git on th' chat." She texted everyone to log on, then sat down at her computer and logged into the school's chat server. Within seconds, all her friends were there except Twilight. She checked her phone; Twilight hadn't been in contact for hours.
Applejack: Reckon Twi went to bed early? Sunset: Probably. That or she's so busy with something she's not checking her phone. Pinkie Pie: Yeah, something like a certain Siren *giggle* Sunset: Ugh, not this again... Rainbow: Wait, what? Fluttershy: The Sirens are back? Oh no... Sunset: Calm down. Pinkie just has a dumb theory about the text. Pinkie: It's not dumb! It makes perfect sense! Rainbow: Oh, this ought to be good... Pinkie: It means Twilight hooked up with Sonata Dusk! You know, the one that was basically me but evil? Rainbow: ... Applejack: ... Rarity: ... Sunset: See? Dumb. Fluttershy: I wouldn't say dumb, just...really out there? DJ-P0N3: Hey guys, you're on late! What's up? Sunset: Oh, we're just trying to figure out this weird text we all got. Rainbow: Eh, I know what the text itself meant, I'm just trying to figure out why we ALL got it & who the heck sent it. Sunset: You do? Applejack: How come you ain't said so before? Rainbow: Uhh...because it's obvious? Fluttershy: It is? Rainbow: Uhh, DUH! Eggplant and taco? It's a dick and a pussy! Sunset: ... Applejack: ... Fluttershy: ... Rarity: REALLY, Rainbow Dash. Pinkie: Wow, and you said MY theory was dumb. Sunset: Yeah, I don't think so, Rainbow... DJ-P0N3: Nope, she's right, that's what it means. Somebody's makin' a booty call. Rarity: Oh my. Fluttershy: Umm...that's... Sunset: Yeah, but to all of us? I mean, we all got it. DJ-P0N3: Well maybe somebody wants to bone all of you? Hell, I would. DJ-P0N3: Crap, speaking of, I just got "taco taco" from Tavi. Gotta go. Later!
A long, awkward "silence" passed. After far too long, Applejack typed:
Applejack: That...that just happened, right? Pinkie: Yep, that happened. Rarity: It...definitely happened. Oh my... Fluttershy: I don't think I can ever eat a taco again ;_; Rainbow: It's okay Fluttershy, I'll eat your taco for you. Sunset: ... Pinkie: ... Applejack: ... Rarity: ... Sunset: OH MY *GOD*, RAINBOW DASH Fluttershy: Umm...I just...no. Umm...goodnight, everyone. I need to be up early...yeah...
Fluttershy logged off.
Pinkie: Aww, poor Dashie. Taco-blocked! Rarity: You know, there's always the possibility this random text was simply a childish prank, just to toy with us. Or, perhaps had no, erm, sexual connotations whatsoever. Sunset: What, you think they were maybe literally thinking 'eggplant taco'? Rainbow: Ugh! That sounds nasty. Applejack: It kinda does, yeah. Sunset: I don't know about you guys, but I'm about ready to turn in. I'm already gonna have some pretty weird dreams thanks to Rainbow Dash, I don't want it to get any worse than it's already gonna be. Rainbow: Heheheheh. Rarity: I do need my beauty sleep. We can continue this..."discussion"...or NOT...tomorrow. Applejack: Yeah, I'm tuckered out. Nite y'all. Rainbow: Hey, Sunset, did you ever get hold of Twilight? Sunset: Nope. I guess she really did go to bed early. Well, goodnight!
* * * * *
Across town...
Two girls, one with lavender skin, the other with pale blue skin, both with their hair done up in high ponytails, lay naked and sweaty in bed together. The blue-skinned girl giggled as she set her phone on the bedside table.
Twilight Sparkle glanced curiously at her. "You're not doing anything I'm gonna regret tomorrow, are you?"
Sonata Dusk smiled brightly. "Nope! Just catching up on some texts." She yawned and wrapped an arm around Twilight. "I dunno about you, but I'm super sleepy. Let's go out for breakfast tacos in the morning, okay?"
"Sure," Twilight said with a smile, settling in next to her.
As Sonata turned the light off, she giggled. "But really, who knew you could do that with beans?"
"Not yet. We think they might in season two, but that's still a ways off."
A blue-skinned woman with long, wavy midnight-blue hair, wearing a flowing black gown and shining silver high heels, sat on a sofa between a teenage girl with bubblegum-pink skin and poofy pink hair like cotton candy and another girl with a curvy figure, amber skin, flashing pale green eyes, and long, shiny copper and gold hair. Each had a bowl of popcorn and a bottle of soda in front of them. Across the room, a large HDTV mounted on the wall displayed a CG-animated cartoon in which two teenage superheroes were locked in battle with a garish mime-themed villain. One of the teens was a dark-haired, blue-eyed girl in a skintight red costume covered in black spots; the other was a blond boy in a shiny black leather costume with a faux leather cat tail and ears, acid green slit-pupiled cat eyes, and a bell around his neck.
The woman leaned forward with interest as the costumed girl, Ladybug, concocted a strategy for defeating the Mime that involved projecting an image on the side of the massive Eiffel Tower. Popcorn flew across the room as she erupted in boisterous cheers once the heroes proved victorious. "HUZZAH!" she exclaimed. "Such excitement! Such brilliance! This entertainment is truly grand!"
The redhead next to her smirked and rolled her eyes. "Yeah, it's a fun show," she said. "A lot of kids at CHS are addicted to it. We've got a huge Miraculous Ladybug fanclub. Some of us even dress up!"
"You should see Sunset's Cat Noir costume," the pink girl added slyly. "She caused a lot of nosebleeds with that one."
"PINKIE!" the redhead cried, blushing. Shaking her head, she glanced at the elegant woman next to her. "Still...I seriously doubt your 'cultural study' of our world is supposed to involve binge-watching Miraculous Ladybug, Princess Luna. Shouldn't you be visiting our libraries and museums and landmarks?"
Princess Luna snorted. "That 'cultural study' excuse I fed Twilight Sparkle was a load of old horseapples. I am bored, Sunset Shimmer! I have heard such interesting things about this world, I wished to see it for myself! And now I have! And your television entertainment is by far the most interesting and wonderous thing I have seen in many moons!" She tossed a handful of popcorn in her mouth. "Besides, this show is most engaging! I wish to see all of it! Every episode!"
Sunset Shimmer laughed. "Well, okay. It's not like we have anything better to do."
"I'm always up for a Ladybug binge!" Pinkie Pie said, pulling a box of licorice pellets out of her hair and offering it to Princess Luna.
"Still, it vexes me, watching these two foolish children pine away after one another unawares," Princess Luna said as she accepted a handful of licorice.
"Ugh, you and me both," Sunset groaned. "I mean, it's so obvious, you'd think they'd have figured it out by now!"
"Yeah, especially after Horrificator," Pinkie said. "I mean, duh! The school was sealed off! How did neither of them realize they had to have already been there in the first place and figure it out then?"
"Truly, it is a mystery," Princess Luna said as the next episode began. "If only I could get my hooves on them and knock some sense into them..."
The doorbell rang. Sunset sighed and got up to answer it. She found Twilight Sparkle standing on the other side—the pony princess from Equestria, not the bespectacled nerd from this world. Starlight Glimmer stood beside her in all her ripped jeans and beanie glory. "Hey guys," Sunset said. "Didn't expect you here. What's up?"
"Well, we decided we needed a break from things," Twilight said. "Starlight wanted to see more of this world, I thought maybe we could join Luna in her museum to—" She cut off mid-word as she heard a boisterous laugh from inside. She blinked. "Is...is Princess Luna here?"
Sunset scratched the back of her head. "Aheh...yeah," she said. "About that—"
"Oh, hey Twilight! Hey Starlight!" Pinkie called from the couch, waving. "Come on in, it's a party!"
"Indeed, join us, Twilight Sparkle!" Luna called cheerfully. "Come enjoy this most wonderous and amusing entertainment with us!"
Twilight groaned. "She found out about television, didn't she."
"Yep," Sunset said. "She's...gotten a little addicted to Miraculous Ladybug."
Starlight blinked. "Miraculous what now?"
Sunset motioned for the other girls to follow, then turned back to the couch. They entered; Twilight closed the door behind them, and they found seats in plush easy chairs on opposite ends of the couch. "What happened to your 'cultural tour' of this world, Luna?" Twilight asked.
Luna snorted. "Please, Twilight. Equestria has museums and libraries. I want to see fun things!"
Twilight started to protest, stopped, and shrugged. "Fair enough," she said. "I mean, I think museums and libraries are plenty of fun, but..." She shook her head and smiled.
"So what are we watching?" Starlight asked as she studied the TV screen in confusion. On it, a pale-skinned, blue-haired girl was acting like a goofy dork while a dark-skinned redhead with glasses looked on in exasperation.
"Miraculous Ladybug," Sunset repeated. "It's a superhero cartoon." She tilted her head in thought for a moment. "It's about these two teenagers who get these magical jewels from a mysterious old man, and they use them to transform into costumed superheroes. They use their superpowers to save the city from a bad guy who also has a magical jewel and has the power to turn regular people into supervillains that go berserk."
"Yeah, every episode, Hawk Moth—that's the bad guy—finds some poor schmuck who's been screwed over, bullied, or is just a real jerky-pants, sends out an Akuma, and turns them into a villain who goes on a rampage. Then Ladybug and Cat Noir show up to stop the villain and turn them back to a normal person and undo all the damage they cause." She paused. "Oh, and there's also the love square, which is one of the biggest reasons people love this show so much."
"The love square?" Starlight asked.
Sunset took a deep breath. "Okay, so Ladybug's secret identity is Marinette, and Cat Noir's secret identity is Adrien. They don't know each other's secret identities because they were given the impression they're not supposed to share that information."
"Which seems counterproductive," Luna put in. "I mean, they are meant to be partners, are they not? Would it not be easier for them to work together if they could communicate and train and plan when not actively engaged in battle?"
"It sure would!" Pinkie said. "They're lucky they work together so naturally or they'd be in real trouble!"
"Anyway," Sunset continued, "Marinette and Adrien are in the same class at school. Marinette has a huge crush on Adrien."
"More like she's stalking him," Pinkie put in with a giggle-snort.
"Well, yeah," Sunset said even as a particularly cringe-inducing example of exactly that played out on the screen before them. "It's so bad she completely spazzes out around him and can't even talk straight sometimes."
"But Adrien never catches on," Pinkie picked up. "And he's madly in love with Ladybug..."
"Wait, let me guess," Starlight said in a dry tone. "As Cat Noir, but Ladybug keeps shooting him down because she's in love with Adrien and has no idea they're the same person?"
"Exactly," Sunset said.
Twilight blinked. "Wow. That's...a mess?"
"It is a GLORIOUS mess!" Luna declared. "But vexing to watch. If they but knew one another's identities, they could couple and court and be happy! But nay! They continue to pine for one another anon, never suspecting!"
"Wow, that must get frustrating after a while," Starlight said. "So...how long is this show?"
"We've got 27 episodes on Streamthis," Sunset said. "The whole first season plus the Christmas special. The second season is coming pretty soon."
"And we shall watch ALL OF THEM!" Luna stated loudly, throwing a fist in the air.
"Uhh...sure, why not," Twilight said, settling in. "I mean, I've never just sat and watched television in this world. It could be fun!"
An hour later...
"So...that 'Lucky Charm' thing just gives her some random piece of junk and she has to figure out how to use it to win?"
"That's the most random, bizarre superpower ever."
"Yeah, it's pretty weird, but somehow or another she always makes it work."
"Wow, Cat Noir really loves puns."
"Yes. Yes he does..."
Another hour later...
"So what does Hawk Moth even want with the Miraculouses?" Starlight wondered. "I mean, what's he gain from all this?"
"Well," Pinkie said, "nobody's really sure yet, but there's a lot of speculation." She glanced at Sunset. "Umm...should we say anything right now? I mean, they haven't seen Origins, Simonsayz, or Volpina yet. I mean...y'know...spoilers?"
Sunset nodded. "Yeah, they need to see those episodes before we get into the spoilers and speculation."
Twilight, who had the remote, went over the episode guide. Her heart sank. "But...but those episodes are all the way at the end," she moaned.
Pinkie shrugged. "Eh, we could watch 'em out of sequence. I mean, the rest of the season is pretty much just one Akuma after another with love square stuff and silly bits in between."
"Yeah, those are the major episodes that really do anything to address the bigger picture," Sunset agreed. "I'm up for skipping ahead if you girls are."
"Works for me," Starlight said.
"Let's do Simonsayz first," Pinkie suggested. "It's kinda the one that starts the big tangle of spoilers."
Twenty-two minutes later...
Twilight gasped as the episode ended. "Adrien's dad is Hawk Moth," she said quietly. "Isn't he?"
Starlight blinked. "Wait, what?"
"Aye, it does seem that way, from certain things he said," Luna agreed, arms folded and brow furrowed in thought. "His mention of risk, the absence of Hawk Moth's rant after the defeat of the Akuma..."
"That's the prevailing theory," Sunset said, nodding. "Although some of the teasers for season two are kind of...ambiguous."
Starlight frowned. "Now that you mention it, Hawk Moth does look a little like him." She shook her head. "And he was interested in Ladybug's earrings and Cat Noir's ring..."
"And freaked out when he saw Adrien's ring at the end," Twilight pointed out.
"But to what end does he seek their Miraculous?" Luna wondered. "What could a man of such substantial wealth, fame, and power gain by turning to base villainy and wreaking havoc upon the city?"
"Well, Origins and Volpina have some more clues," Sunset said. "Before we watch, though, I'll just say that the main theory floating around? Is he wants the power to bring back Adrien's mom."
"Yeah, nobody knows what actually happened to her except she 'disappeared'," Pinkie said sadly. "Everyone thinks if Hawk Moth is Gabriel, he's doing all this because he's obsessed with getting his wife back."
"That's...that's so sad," Starlight said.
"Misguided villainy," Luna offered soberly. "I can relate."
"But...but if that's his goal...doesn't he realize if Adrien finds out the truth, he'll never forgive him?" Twilight asked sadly.
"Oh, girl, there are thousands of pages of fanfiction about that," Pinkie said.
Several hours later...
"Okay you know what? I really, really hate Chloe," Starlight said. "They seriously should've let Kung Food kill her. Paris would be a hell of a lot better off without her."
"No kidding," Sunset muttered. "I mean, there's being the mean girl for a reason, and then there's being a shrieking, entitled, self-absorbed twat-waffle."
"And Chloe's supposed to get a Miraculous in season two," Pinkie said, blowing on her curl in irritation.
"PINKIE! SPOILERS!" Sunset cried.
"Oh, like you didn't know!"
"Yeah, but THEY didn't!"
"WHAT?" Starlight cried. "THAT spoiled brat, a superhero?"
"Or a new supervillain," Twilight pointed out. "I mean, just having a Miraculous doesn't make you a hero."
"I can't see the biggest cause of Akumas in Paris being any kind of hero," Starlight muttered. "I mean, at least half the Akumas are her fault!"
"Well, to be fair," Pinkie pointed out, "Marinette causes a lot of them too." She paused, then dug a finger in one ear. "Umm...actually, in season two, she's even worse than Chloe."
The room went silent.
"Wait...what?" Sunset asked. She stared incredulously at Pinkie. "You've been watching leaked episodes?"
"I can't help it!" Pinkie cried. "I'm surprised youhaven't!"
"I've been waiting to watch them in English!"
"They've been leaking in English!"
"Seriously?" Sunset blinked, then shook her head. "Don't say any more. It...it isn't that long. I can wait. Just...no spoilers!"
Thanksgiving in Canterlot was two days gone. Now, on a cold, clear Saturday morning, seven girls met up at Canterlot Mall to take advantage of after-Black-Friday sales and talk about how their Thanksgiving went.
"Hey guys," Rainbow Dash said as she trudged up to the group, the last to arrive. She'd seen better days; there were bags under her eyes, her cheeks were puffy, her hair was mussed, and she had an overall poochy look about her.
"Whoa, what happened to you?" Sunset asked, blinking.
"You okay, sugarcube?" Applejack asked. "You look a mite peaked."
"Did you get trampled in the Black Friday holocaust?" Pinkie Pie asked.
"I hate Black Friday," Fluttershy said quietly.
Applejack turned to stare at her incredulously. "Yer shittin' me, right? We saw you at Blue Box yest—"
Fluttershy made a throat-slash gesture. Applejack quickly fell silent. Fluttershy turned to Rainbow Dash. "So, what's wrong, Rainbow? You can tell us."
"Yeah, we're your friends. We're here for you," Sunset offered with a smile.
Rainbow grimaced, her cheeks red from embarrassment rather than the cold. "Gas," she muttered.
Everyone blinked. "I beg your pardon?" Rarity asked.
Rainbow ducked her head, shuffling her feet. "We went to Aunt Firefly's for Thanksgiving," she said. "Aunt Firefly puts celery in everything. Celery gives me gas."
"Oh dear," Rarity said.
Applejack rolled her eyes. "Oh, come on now, Rainbow. You're th' one always braggin' about havin' th' stinkiest farts, you're as bad as any boy. Ain't no way—"
"That's different," Rainbow said. "This was...this was the bad gas." Her eyes took on a faraway, haunted gaze. "All...all night, Thursday. I just...I couldn't sleep. I kept...I kept farting..." She shook her head. "You know that long, low creaking sound old wooden ships make? That came outta me at one in the morning."
"Yikes," Pinkie said. "Also, ew!"
"Far too much information, darling," Rarity said, rolling her eyes.
"Euch," Sunset opined.
Twilight grimaced. "That's exactly why my mother doesn't make cheese casserole anymore. Umm...my dad does that, if he eats too much cheese."
"Lactose intolerant?" Rarity asked.
"Actually, lactose intolerant people can usually eat cheese, since the aging process breaks down lactose," Twilight said. "It's more the microorganisms involved in making cheese that cause excess gas."
"Oh god, we're not gonna talk about mold now, are we?" Pinkie asked with a visible cringe. "I really hate our biology teacher for telling us blue cheese is made from the same stuff you find in foot fungus!"
"And now I need to throw up," Rarity said, her cheeks taking on a green tinge.
Sunset shook her head. "So you farted a whole bunch because celery," she said, turning back to Rainbow. "That still doesn't explain—"
"You don't understand," Rainbow said. "I've been gassed up since Thursday." She clutched her stomach. "I couldn't eat anything but bread all day yesterday. I can't get rid of this gas. Nothing works."
Twilight frowned. "That...sounds like more than just gas," she said.
Pinkie gasped. "Maybe you're pregnant!"
Everyone stared at her. Rainbow narrowed her eyes. "Yeah. No." Then she groaned, hunching over slightly. A horrible, groaning, creaking noise escaped from the general vicinity of her everything.
A stench of rotting celery, poultry, and grazing cattle filled the air. The girls backed away from Rainbow, holding their noses. Rarity quickly ran off to find a restroom.
"That's been going on for two days," Rainbow said miserably. "I kinda hoped a little fresh air and exercise would help."
"Yeah, Ah can't imagine fresh air is in much supply at home if'n you been doin' that since Thanksgivin'," Applejack said. "Whut you need's a good organic smoothie with a lotta fiber in it. C'mon, let's go by where Ah work."
"That...might help," Rainbow said. "At this point, I'm willing to try anything."
"Oh! Oh!" Pinkie exclaimed. "You could shove the vacuum cleaner up your butt and suck it all out!"
Everyone stared at her.
"Anything except that or Fluttershy's brother," Rainbow said sourly.
As they headed for the smoothie bar, Rainbow asked, "So, what did you girls do for Thanksgiving and Black Friday? Tell me all about it, I need something to take my mind off it."
Applejack shrugged. "Pretty normal Sweet Apple Thanksgivin'," she said. "Had about fifteen folks out at th' farm, did up a couple turkeys an' a couple hams, lots'a dressin', casseroles, pies, stuff like that. Watched th' game." She frowned. "Went t' Blue Box with Big Mac yesterday, we needed a couple'a new TVs an' a new phone fer Apple Bloom. Made out alright, despite Fluttershy." She shot a glare at Fluttershy.
"What the heck did Fluttershy do?" Sunset wondered.
"PINKIE! Tell us about YOUR Thanksgiving!" Fluttershy said quickly and with false cheer.
Pinkie shrugged. "Not much to tell. We had rock soup. We always have rock soup. Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, National Booger Picking Day, it's always rock soup. Oh, and two hours of sermons. Oh, and I had to help Marble dig a pebble out of her butt. Like, it was waaaay up in there." She shuddered. "We both almost got the strap for that, Mama thought we were doing something...sinful."
Rarity had rejoined the group at just that moment. She turned very red and ran off again.
"Uhh...gross," Rainbow said. "Also, your family is messed up."
"I know..." Pinkie shrugged. "You know what they say. You can pick your friends, your nose, and your butt, but you can't pick your family." She paused, tilting her head and tapping her chin. "Although I guess you kinda can pick your family since I spent half an hour picking my sister's—"
"AHEM," Applejack coughed loudly. "So, Twilight! How about you?"
"Well, we have a pretty small Thanksgiving at home," Twilight said. "I invited Sunset Shimmer, so we had five instead of four for the first time in like, ever." She frowned. "Well, six I guess, if you count Spike." She shrugged. "I mean, we just had the usual. A turkey, stuffing out of a box, potatoes out of a box, frozen pies, canned green beans. Mom doesn't...doesn't really like to cook big meals."
"It was great, though," Sunset said. "The food was good enough, and sharing it with friends was the important part." She smiled warmly at Twilight.
"Of course, yesterday my dad and my brother went out to do all the Christmas shopping," Twilight said. "They had to go to a bunch of different stores to get the stuff they wanted. Apparently there was some kind of riot at Blue Box, they heard about it on Twitface and kinda...steered clear."
"Gee, Ah wonder whut that was," Applejack said, glaring at Fluttershy.
"Okay, that's enough," Rainbow said, stopping in her tracks and turning to face Applejack and Fluttershy. Rarity walked back up to the group, a hestitant look on her face. "You keep talking about somethin' goin' down at Blue Box and you keep blamin' it on Fluttershy. What. The hell. Happened?"
Applejack turned to Fluttershy, folding her arms and raising an eyebrow. Fluttershy ducked behind her hair, a sullen pout on her face...
* * * * *
"Over there! She's over there!"
"Where the hell are the staff? Aren't they supposed to be, y'know, dealing with this?"
"OW! Dammit, are those paintballs?!"
"STOP! Don't run THAT way! All the big-screen TVs are over there!"
"It's not paint...I think it's rubber bullets! You know, riot rounds!"
The store was in complete chaos. Three people had lashed two carts together side-by-side. Fluttershy's red-haired, bespectacled mother and Zephyr Breeze were pushing the carts through the aisles at insane speeds, using the extreme width of their Frankencart to block the aisles and push other shoppers out of the way as they grabbed discounted electronics and tossed them in. Fluttershy, dressed in thermal camo hunting gear, stood astride the carts, her hair tied back; she laughed maniacally as she sprayed rubber bullets from a minigun into the crowd of Black Friday dealseekers.
* * * * *
Rainbow stared at Fluttershy in wide-eyed disbelief. A sound like a balloon slowly deflating emanated from her butt.
Followed by a foul, unholy stench.
"I think...that scared the shit outta me," Rainbow said in a strangled voice, before activating her geode and running away.
An oppressive air hung heavily over the seven girls gathered in Fluttershy's living room.
Rainbow Dash was perched on the back of the sofa, eyes wide, mouth open. Twilight Sparkle had her knees drawn up to her chest on the floor next to the sofa and was rocking back and forth, shaking. Rarity and Applejack were clutching each other in wide-eyed terror, eyes glued to the TV screen to which Fluttershy's laptop was connected. Sunset Shimmer sat silently on the sofa, blinking slowly, her face pale. Pinkie Pie's hair had deflated, and her blue eyes were dull and listless.
Fluttershy sat back from her computer, her mouth pressed in a grim line. "W-well," she stammered, swallowing heavily. "I...I guess, umm...I guess that...that happened..."
Rainbow Dash suddenly exploded. "Jesus CHRIST, Fluttershy, where'd you even get that sick game?!"
"Umm...I already told you," Fluttershy said. "It's a free game on Steam. Everyone's been telling me 'Fluttershy, you've gotta play this game', and...well..." She played with loose strands of her hair. "It just, umm...l-looked so happy and cute, and I..." In a soft whisper, she added, "I like anime, so..."
"So the whole content warning thing at the beginning didn't tip you off something was wrong?" Sunset asked.
Fluttershy blushed. "O-oh...umm...I just...kind of assumed it was one of those sex games. You know, where you get a naughty scene at the end of each girl's route?" The others stared at her incredulously, and she ducked her head. "Wh-what? I like...stuff..."
Pinkie began rocking back and forth. "Sayori," she mumbled. "Sayori, wake up..."
"Yer uhh...yer gonna delete that game now, right sugarcube?" Applejack asked.
Fluttershy frowned at her computer. "I'm...I'm almost afraid to," she said. "I mean, who knows what Monika might do if..."
"That doesn't make any sense though!" Twilight ranted. "I mean, everything in the game is just...script! Even the parts where Monika is self-aware, it's all script! Even the stuff with the files being deleted and added, that's just code running inside the program! It's all just a bunch of instructions the computer is executing, dressed up to be, well...super-scary!"
Everyone looked at her. "Obviously, darling," Rarity said, "but it's the principle of the thing. This...this abhorrent nightmare of a game is so deeply disturbing that, well...you can't really be certain it's over and done just because you reached the end, right? I mean, what if it deposits some sort of malware on your system? You delete the game and forget about it, and then months later, Monika has taken over everything on your computer!"
Fluttershy shuddered. "Oh...oh my...don't say things like that," she whispered.
Twilight blinked. "Oh my god," she said quietly. "It...that actually could happen..." She took off her glasses and absently wiped them on her skirt, blinking. "Uhhh...Fluttershy? You might wanna do a backup and reformat your hard drive later. Just, umm...just to be safe..."
Sunset rolled her eyes. "I think if there was a worm or a virus buried in the game, people wouldn't be daring other people to play it." She paused, pursed her lips, then amended, "Actually...yes. Yes they would."
"Oh dear," Fluttershy said quietly.
"But I doubt Steam would still have the game up for download if that was happening!" Sunset said hastily. "I mean, it'd be bad for them too, right?"
"O-oh...right...I guess so..."
"But man," Rainbow said, sliding down onto the couch cushions, "that whole thing was so fucked up. Especially when Yuri goes all crazy."
"Oh god," Rarity said, shooting to her feet, her face green. She ran to the bathroom; the others heard her throwing up a moment later.
"Wow, she did not take that scene well," Sunset said, blinking.
"Ah don't think there's any way to take that scene well," Applejack said acidly. "Ah mean, that was jes' plumb sick."
"Fair point," Sunset admitted with a shrug.
"And all the creepy poems and glitches," Twilight said, shuddering. "The guy who made this game is really, really sick in the head."
"Or a master troll," Pinkie said. "Or both."
"Yeah, I'm voting for both," Rainbow said.
Rarity returned, wiping her mouth with a wet handkerchief. "I believe...I've had rather enough for one day, darlings."
"I'm sorry, girls," Fluttershy said sincerely. "I didn't know. I really didn't!"
"We know, Fluttershy," Sunset said. "We don't blame you. Really, I'm glad we were here with you for this."
"You are?" the other girls chorused.
Sunset looked around the room. "Would anyone here have gotten through that whole mess without having some kind of psychotic break? Especially Fluttershy?"
The girls looked away and mumbled general agreement.
"I'll, umm...try to find something a little happier and more fun for us all to play together another time," Fluttershy said as the other girls started gathering their stuff.
"Just make sure to vet it out first," Twilight said. "Like, make sure the next game somebody urges you to play doesn't turn into all that."
"Got it," Fluttershy said meekly.
Once the rest of the girls were gone, Fluttershy disconnected the HDMI cable from her laptop, then pursed her lips. With a few mouse clicks, a folder sat open before her.
Name Date Modified Type
aj 06/15/2013 CHR File
fluttershy 06/15/2013 CHR File
pinkie 06/15/2013 CHR File
rainbow 06/15/2013 CHR File
rarity 06/15/2013 CHR File
sunset 09/27/2014 CHR File
twilight 09/26/2015 CHR File
For a long moment, Fluttershy sat, lost in thought, staring into the middle distance. Her gaze turned upward briefly.
She turned her attention back to her computer and opened a different folder.
Name Date Modified Type
mythrilmoth 10/28/1977 PBK File
Sunset Shimmer, Fluttershy, and Trixie were diligently working on making decorations for the Spring Fling. Not far away, Snips and Snails were inflating balloons.
"Hey Snips, who was that girl I saw you with last night?" Snails asked. "She's a real cutie."
"Heh, yeah, that's my new girlfriend. She's Neighponese. I think her family just moved here or something? She goes to a different school."
"You take your Neighponese girlfriend out for Korean food?"
"Yeah, she's always talkin' about kimchi, so I figure she must really be into it."
Fluttershy blinked. So did Trixie. Trixie turned to the boys and called out, "Sorry, you said she talks about kimchi a lot...when exactly does this come up?"
"Huh?" Snips asked. "Oh, uh..." He coughed. "Mostly when we're, uh, y'know...doin' it an' stuff."
"Way more than I needed to know," Sunset muttered, even as Fluttershy's nose crinkled. Trixie, however, narrowed her eyes thoughtfully.
"And...again, none of my business, but..." Trixie pierced Snips with an intense gaze. "This 'girlfriend'...what exactly do you do together besides eating Korean food and, ahem, bedroom activities?"
"Mostly shopping," Snips said. "She likes fancy stuff. I buy her nice things, it seems to make her happy..."
Fluttershy looked away uncomfortably.
"As Trixie suspected," Trixie said quietly. She shook her head and turned back to her work.
"I feel bad for him," Fluttershy whispered.
"I know, right?" Trixie replied, covering a snicker. "But I guess what he doesn't know won't hurt him...maybe..."
Sunset frowned. "What am I missing here? Besides Snips getting taken by a gold digger?"
Fluttershy and Trixie exchanged a glance. "W-well," Fluttershy said, "Snips' girlfriend...isn't really interested in kimchi. At all."
"Lucky for her, Snips is too stupid to bother to learn Neighponese," Trixie added with a smirk.
* * * * *
As any high school student can tell you, the middle of April is a painful, torturous time. With over a month of school left to go, the weather turning warm, allergies running rampant, and no holiday breaks left to end the monotony, each day drags on into the next, each week an eternity until the sweet release of summer.
Kids get bored. Some kids, when bored, become lethargic.
Some kids, when bored, get silly.
Some kids, when bored silly, get weird.
So it was that on a late April day, Pinkie Pie snuck up behind her friend Rainbow Dash in the hallway during the break between classes. "Psst. Hey, Rainbow Dash!"
Rainbow turned her head, not breaking stride. "Yeah?"
Pinkie leaned in close. In a rushed, frantic whisper, she declared:
"PUSSY FARTS!"
She then sped off down the hall, leaving Rainbow to stop short, blinking. "...huh?"
After a minute, Rainbow shook her head and kept going.
Applejack was right outside the door to her dreaded Physics class when Pinkie Pie sidled up to her, put her lips next to her ear, whispered "PUSSY FARTS!", and sidled away.
Applejack stared in the direction of the departing pink mass, chuckled, and headed for her desk.
Sunset Shimmer and Twilight Sparkle were working together in the library during study hall when Pinkie Pie dropped out of a ceiling vent, dangling from a grappling hook. As she dropped between their heads, she whispered, "Pussssyyyyyy faaaaaaaaaaaarts."
Then she zipped back up into the ductwork before Miss Cheerilee caught her.
Sunset and Twilight looked at each other in confusion, then up at the ceiling. Shrugging, they went back to their work.
In the Home Ec room, Rarity and two classmates were hard at work on a sewing exercise which, for Rarity, was beyond elementary. Without warning, Pinkie Pie leaned in through the nearest window. "Psst! Rarity!" Once she had Rarity's attention, she whisper-shouted, "Pussy farts!" She then disappeared as quickly as she had appeared.
Rarity blinked repeatedly, accidentally pricking herself with her needle.
"Your friend is weird," Lavender Lace said.
"Yes," Rarity said dryly. "Quite weird."
During afternoon break, Fluttershy was buying a snack from the vending machine when Pinkie slipped out from behind it, leaning into her face with a manic grin. "PUSSY FARTS, FLUTTERSHY!"
Fluttershy yelped, jumping back; after a moment, she blinked, her hand halfway to the coin slot. "Um. H-hi, Pinkie Pie. Umm...pussy farts to you too?"
Pinkie slipped away. Fluttershy watched her go. "Goodness," she said.
Then, as her candy bar dropped into the slot, she started to giggle.
* * * * *
The Rainbooms were hanging out at Twilight Sparkle's house. It was the weekend, and Velvet asked the girls to help move some of Shining Armor's old stuff to the attic for storage. Most of what they were hauling around was comic books and Ogres and Oubliettes stuff from his high school days. During a break, Rainbow Dash got bored and started going through some of the stuff.
While flipping through an old O&O session notebook, Rainbow suddenly let out a harsh bray of laughter. "Oh...oh my god!" She held up the notebook and read aloud, "'When the party arrived at Nut Shaven'... NUT SHAVEN?!" She tossed the book aside and curled in on herself, snickering wildly.
Twilight frowned. "What--let me see--" She picked up the notebook and thumbed through it, frowning. "Umm...I think that's supposed to be 'Nuts Haven'," she pronounced deliberately.
"Let me see?" Sunset took the notebook from Twilight and looked at it. She smirked. "Well yeah, it's obviously Nuts Haven, but really. What was your brother thinking when he decided to name the village in his campaign Nutshaven?"
Twilight rolled her eyes. "Well, my brother is kind of lame," she said with a giggle.
"You know," Twilight Sparkle said, looking up from her study tablet at her friends, specifically at Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie, "there's one thing I just don't get about all those comic books."
The other girls looked around in interest. "You read comic books?" Rainbow asked incredulously.
"Not really, but I've glanced through some," Twilight said. "I've done a ton of research on them online to find out what makes them so fascinating, and my brother has huge boxes of them up in the attic. He's always been obsessed." She adjusted her glasses. "There's a lot of things wrong with comic books, especially the way they keep having to restart every story from the beginning every ten or twenty years because they write themselves into corners." She snorted disdainfully, then continued, "but what really bothers me is how redundant and unnecessary a lot of comic book characters are."
"Well, look at Supergirl," Twilight pointed out. "Supergirl is just Superman in a skirt. I mean, she doesn't add anything new, she's just there. And then you've got Power Girl, who's just Supergirl with a bigger chest!"
"Yes, but when their stories get resolved, they're still just there, being copies of Superman. And what about War Machine?" Twilight demanded. "War Machine's just a second Iron Man with a different guy inside and more guns. Even if you count him as a sidekick, he's still just a second Iron Man with more guns! Redundant!"
"Ooh, that's a good point," Pinkie said. "Any time they're not doing an Iron Man versus War Machine thing, War Machine's pretty much useless."
"Not to mention all Iron Man's redundant suits," Twilight continued. "Some of them at least have specialized functions and equipment that make them make sense, like the Hulkbuster, but Iron Patriot? Why is that even a thing?"
"It...looks cool?" Rainbow offered uncertainly.
"What about all the different Spideys?" Sunset said, warming to the discussion. "I mean, you've got the original, then you've got the Scarlet Spider, Miles Morales, Spider-Gwen, Silk, Spider-Woman, and I don't even know how many others. The only one that even makes sense is Venom, because Venom's, well...Venom."
"Y'know, she's right," Pinkie said. "There's way too many Spidey knockoffs running around."
"And what about Green Arrow?" Twilight put forth. "Green Arrow is just Batman with a different gimmick and a political agenda!"
"Eh, I'll give you that one," Rainbow said sourly, cheeks puffing up. "Green Arrow sucks anyway."
"It just seems to me like for every relatively unique character comic writers come up with—like, say, Cloak and Dagger, they're almost totally unique in their powers and dynamic—you get five watered-down copies of Superman or Black Lightning." Twilight shrugged. "Even in the cases where they created a new character similar to one they couldn't use for legal reasons, they could've put more originality into it and not made it just 'this character but with a different name'. It's even worse with all the Spider-Man copies running around because they have them all running around together at the same time sometimes, right?" She shook her head. "I just don't see the point. It's lazy."
"Eh, they do stuff with all the Spideys," Rainbow said somewhat petulantly. "Y'know, the Spider-Verse...stuff..."
"And it's usually exactly when they start doing those things that the writers have screwed up the continuity so badly they have to reboot the entire line," Twilight said. "But every time they reboot the line, they bring back all the redundant characters because the fans expect the redundant characters, even though only the comic historians and deep nerds even know why those characters are there in the first place!" Her eyes had taken on a slightly manic sheen; she took a few deep breaths, then continued, "So you end up with a few dozen characters who have almost the exact same powers as Superman, a whole host of clones of one really popular character, or five or six sidekicks who all have different backstories and stuff but they're still in the same costume, with the same name, and have the same skills and powers."
"But they're different characters and they do that stuff different ways," Sunset pointed out. "I'm assuming you mean the Robins, right?"
"Yeah. And I'll grant that, but it's still kind of dumb to just keep making new Robins all the time. I mean, why not retire Robin and bring in a new sidekick entirely?"
"Hey, while we're on the subject," Pinkie said slowly, "it's not just heroes and sidekicks. Villains too! I mean, if you look at Flash's enemies, any foe of the Flash who isn't a speedster is just a lame copy of someone else's enemy, right? Usually Batman's."
"Good point, Pinkie," Twilight said. "But really, it's more that there are so many heroes and villains whose powers either break down to 'really good martial artist who lifts and is super smart' or 'has super strength and super speed and is invincible and can fly'. I mean, there's a lot of room for improvement on those basic power sets, but look how often they just do the same thing over and over again? Like, Starfire for example."
"Hey, don't diss Starfire! Starfire's cool."
"Starfire's an alien who can fly, has super strength, and shoots energy blasts," Twilight pointed out. "Sound familiar?"
Rainbow clamped her mouth shut.
"Look, I'm not saying all these different characters are a bad thing," Twilight said. "I mean...actually, yes, I am, because it makes comic books too complicated to get into. But I just don't get why comic book writers and artists have to keep making different versions of the same basic character type over and over again, with the only difference being name, gender, and backstory! Because once you get into all these big crossover events and the things that collapse and restart the entire universe, you end up with an army of fifty heroes with the exact same powers fighting fifty villains with the exact same powers and what's even the point of that?"
A brief silence fell.
"I...guess you have a point," Rainbow said begrudgingly. "I mean, the way you put it just now, it sounds like my problem with fighting games. You know, where you've got thirty characters to pick from and twenty of 'em are Ryu?"
"Oh god Ah hate that," Applejack grumbled. "It is so obnoxious when it's like that."
"I still think you're missing the point of all those other characters," Rainbow added defiantly, "but...I guess...if you stop to think about it, there are way too many dudes and dudettes in comics that all do the same stuff."
"Absolutely," Deadpool agreed from where he was lounging on Rainbow Dash's bed, wearing fluffy slippers shaped like turtles. "Hey, you girls wanna go see my movie?"
The girls looked at each other and shrugged...all except for Pinkie Pie. "Sure," the girls minus the pink one said.
Pinkie frowned. "Hey, wait a—! How'd you even—?! WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?!"
"Calm DOWN, Pinkie Pie," Sunset said, rolling her eyes. "It's just Deadpool."
The girls all left the room, chatting eagerly, leaving Pinkie Pie standing in the middle of the room, spluttering. Deadpool walked past her; he paused, resting a hand on her shoulder in a comforting manner.
"Hey," he said placatingly. "If it helps? What you're feeling right now is how you make everybody else feel all the time." With that, he left the room, whistling aimlessly.
Pinkie Pie let out a frustrated little whine and sat down with a haughty sniff.
Sunset Shimmer met up with her friends shortly before noon on a Saturday at the mall food court. As she approached, her gait was a bit unsteady; she had bags under her eyes and a distinct veininess about them. She yawned through her greeting and slumped into a chair empty-handed, not having bothered to visit any of the food vendors.
"Goodness, darling, you look positively dreadful!" Rarity gasped.
"Didn't sleep well," Sunset grunted, stifling another yawn. "Bad dreams kept me tossing and turning and waking up all night."
"That's awful," Fluttershy said. "What kind of bad dreams? Scary nightmares, or—?"
"Nah, just—" Sunset broke off to yawn. "Stress dreams." She rummaged through her pockets, withdrew a handful of wadded bills, and shoved them at Twilight. "Can you get me something? And a coffee?"
"Sure," Twilight said, jumping up and rushing off.
"Man, those dreams must've sucked," Rainbow said. "You haven't looked this bad since that time you came to school soaking wet!"
"What were you dreaming about?" Rarity asked. "Maybe it'd help to talk about it."
Sunset sighed. "Eh, it's just...a little bit of anxiety about the future, I guess." She shrugged. "I haven't figured out what it is I wanna do with myself past high school, we're seniors now, I have to figure out how I'm gonna get into college here since all my documentation is fake, then there's the matter of paying for it..." She eyed her reflection in the chromed side of a napkin dispenser, making a face. "Or if I'm just gonna live on part-time jobs." Taking a napkin and wringing it in her hands, she added, "A lot of...a lot of my dreams ended with me running back to Equestria because I couldn't make it last here, and that...I don't wanna do."
The girls looked at each other, shifting and fidgeting, worried and uncomfortable expressions on their faces. In the awkward silence, Twilight returned with a tray of assorted junk food, a large orange smoothie, and an equally large sugary, cream-topped coffee drink, all of which she set before Sunset.
"Ooh, I remember this one time I kept having the same nightmare over and over again for about a week," Pinkie Pie said as Sunset started eating. "There was this horribly burned old cake with red and green icing, only it was alive and it had these sharp claws made of kitchen knives, and it kept coming after me, and the Cake Twins were singing this really creepy song—"
"Don't sing it," Fluttershy whimpered, covering Pinkie's mouth with a trembling hand.
"I had this weird dream about Rarity takin' a poop one time," Rainbow Dash said. "And I was the poop."
Everyone slooooooooowly turned to stare at Rainbow. Rarity, in particular, had a nauseated and affronted look on her face that was somewhere between 'how DARE you!' and 'I need to throw up'. After an awkward pause, Applejack sighed. "Shoot, someone's gotta ask. Rainbow? Whut'n th' hell's wrong with you?"
Rainbow's face colored brilliantly. "Oh come on, like anybody has any control over their dreams," she said defensively.
"You made a point of bringing it UP, Rainbow Dash," Rarity said archly. "As much as I really don't want to know, I feel rather compelled to be...concerned about the implications."
Rainbow ducked her head, her cheeks flushing so dark she looked like an eggplant. "It was that time you wore that really, really skimpy thong bikini," she said. "You know, the one—"
"Yes, yes, I remember the bathing suit in question," Rarity said, her own face flush with embarrassment. "In my defense, I had no way of knowing it was not as...ahem, discreet in the back."
Applejack arched an eyebrow. "Rarity, it was dental floss," she said.
"We'd have actually seen less of you if you'd been naked," Fluttershy added.
"And I was inches away from the full moon," Rainbow added. "So yeah, you can imagine Rarity's big white ass showin' up in my dreams after that."
"BIG? Why—what—" Rarity spluttered, before composing herself. "Putting that aside, that doesn't explain the—ahem—context."
"Hell if I know!" Rainbow exploded, throwing her arms wide and narrowly missing smacking Sunset upside the head. "I don't normally dream about poop! Especially not about being poop!"
Sunset snickered. "Way too easy," she said, sipping her coffee.
"You know we're your friends, Rainbow Dash," Fluttershy said soothingly. "We won't judge you for your tastes, your preferences, or your, umm...fetishes." She plastered a big, fake smile on her face. "PLEASE don't have a poo fetish," she added in a strained whisper.
"AGH! I don't have a poo fetish!" Rainbow cried, causing some nearby mall patrons to turn their heads and stare at her.
"Wow, it's amazing what I can manage to hold my appetite through," Sunset commented idly.
"Actually, dreams are rarely a valid indicator of your beliefs, preferences, sexual orientation, or overall psychological makeup," Twilight said, adjusting her glasses and going into lecture mode. "Most of the research into dreaming I've read is contradictory, speculative, and confusing at best, but the most logical conclusion dream research seems to lead to is that dreams are nothing more than the subconscious mind's way of sorting, processing, filtering, and breaking down memories, feelings, and experiences." She began gesturing expansively. "If you think of the mind as a hard drive, dreams are the mind defragmenting itself while you're asleep, and the bits of random data being moved around form dreams. That's why some people dream of places they haven't been to in years but with people they know now, or people they haven't seen in years being in places the dreamer had never gone back then."
"Like when I dream about Equestria except you girls are all there with me," Sunset said.
"Exactly!" Twilight nodded. "Or like I sometimes dream about my old Crystal Prep classmates being at Camp Everfree with us!" Her glasses turned very shiny for a moment. "Sugarcoat's always the first dead body we find..." she added darkly.
"Oh...oh my," Fluttershy whimpered.
Rarity blinked. "Pardon me, darling, but wasn't Sugarcoat the closest thing you had to a friend at Crystal Prep?"
"Hm? Oh, yes, I suppose," Twilight said, examining her fingernails.
"That's funny," Pinkie Pie said, "every time I have a creepy horror movie dream about Camp Everfree, the Sirens are there, and we're all running from convicted serial anal rapist Ben Dover." Her hair defloofed. "He always gets me in the end. Riiiiiiight in the end."
"PINKIE!" Rarity, Fluttershy, and Twilight howled, red-faced.
"Ah think we should git back ta helpin' Sunset now," Applejack said sternly.
"Thanks, but I don't really need help," Sunset said. "Like I said, I'm just...kinda stressing myself out about the future." She looked up and smiled around the table. "But I know that it'll be alright, because no matter what happens after high school, I'll always have you girls. And..." She took a deep breath. "And if I do end up having to go back..." She swallowed. "At least I know I have good friends waiting for me back in Equestria, and...and Princess Celestia'll welcome me back." She wiped at her eyes with a fresh napkin. "So I'm gonna be okay."
The girls broke out in a wave of "awws", "there-theres", and comforting pats and hugs, followed by a long, warm, comfortable silence. Then, Fluttershy piped up quietly:
Twilight Sparkle sat at one of the school library's computers, her fingers flying furiously across the keys, her eyes locked on the screen in deep concentration. So deep, she failed to notice her friends gathering around her.
"Whatcha doin', Twilight?" Sunset Shimmer asked.
"GYAH!" Twilight jumped, her glasses sliding askew. Blinking, she put herself right, then craned her neck up to look at her friends. "Oh, hey girls," she said. "Sorry, you startled me."
"No kidding," Rainbow said. "So what're you workin' on, some homework?"
"Just a little experiment, actually," Twilight said. She frowned at the screen. "One that's not working out the way I expected."
"Oh yeah?" Sunset asked with a smile, leaning over Twilight's shoulder to study the screen. She blinked, her lips pursing as her brow furrowed. "Uh, Twilight? This is just a whole bunch of science babble. Most of it isn't even connected, it's just—"
"Stream of consciousness writing," Twilight said. "I took an online typing test for fun this morning and it measured my typing speed at 105 words per minute. I got to thinking about that, and I decided to try an experiment. In theory, if I'm capable of typing 105 words per minute, then after an hour of typing, I should have over six thousand words. I've been typing for..." She checked her phone. "Fifty-seven minutes, and I'm only up to 3,500 words." She scratched at her temple. "That doesn't make any sense."
"Of course it does, darling," Rarity said. "Surely you haven't been typing nonstop the entire time, right?"
"Yeah, you've got browser tabs open here," Sunset said, grabbing the mouse and clicking around. "Let's see...whoa, ten Whickerpedia articles? And MyStable—wait, were you playing Cupcake Crash?"
Twilight ducked her head. "I...guess I got a little distracted," she admitted.
"Well, if you're done with your experiment, why don't you come over to Rarity's with me?" Sunset asked. "We're working on my costume for the Summerween Social and I was kind of hoping you'd pair up with me."
Twilight blinked. "Oh, that's right, there's that thing coming up. Um. What are you going as?"
Sunset struck a heroic pose. "Xena, Warrior Princess!" she declared confidently. "I was hoping you'd go as Gabrielle."
Twilight blinked more rapidly. "Oh. Um. Umm. Oh." She ducked her head, her cheeks heating up. "I, umm...I don't know," she said. "I mean, wouldn't people get the, the wrong idea about, umm, us?" She glanced at Fluttershy. "Besides, Fluttershy would be a better Gabrielle, she's already so much like her!"
"Oh, no, no, no," Fluttershy said, shaking her hands in a frantic 'not me' gesture. "I don't want people thinking I'm gay with Sunset. I mean, not that there's anything wrong with being gay—with Sunset—but I just, umm...I'm not. Not gay. With Sunset." She played with her hair. "Besides, I'm already doing a thing with Rainbow Dash for the costume contest."
Sunset raised an eyebrow and crossed her arms defensively at the bizarre disclaimers Fluttershy had just floated. "Guys, it's...just a costume," she said. "It doesn't necessarily mean anything..."
Miss Cheerilee bustled over to their group. "Girls, the library is closing," she said. "You need to—" She paused, blinking, as her eyes landed on Rainbow Dash. "Is that...is that a dog collar?"
"Uhh...yeah..."
"Why are you wearing a dog collar with a leash, Rainbow Dash?"
Rainbow looked anywhere but at Cheerilee even as Fluttershy's face burst into flames and Applejack started chuckling. "I lost a bet," Rainbow offered petulantly.
Twilight arched an eyebrow. "Not gay with Sunset, huh," she said flatly as Miss Cheerilee walked away, shaking her head.
"I'm not gay with anyone!" Fluttershy insisted frantically. "Not that there's anything wrong with it! I'd be fine with it! I'm just not, with anybody, gay or straight right now!"
"Aww, it's okay, Fluttershy," Pinkie Pie said, patting Fluttershy on the shoulder comfortingly. "Who you share your taco with is your business, and we're your friends, we'd never judge you!"
Twilight fell forward out of her cheap plastic chair. "Sh-share her taco?!" she choked out.
"Uh, y'all? We'd best clear outta here," Applejack said, glancing pointedly at Miss Cheerilee.
"Probably a good idea," Sunset agreed, leading the way. The girls followed in behind her, a meek Fluttershy bringing up the rear.
"Really, our little conversations do go the strangest places," Rarity said as they left the library.
Applejack's phone buzzed, and she pulled it out, glancing at the screen. "Oh shoot, y'all, Ah gotta git home pronto," she said. "Got a package comin' Ah been waitin' fer."
"Ooh, what'd you buy?" Pinkie asked.
Applejack tilted her head back and closed her eyes smugly. "Ah got me a gen-yoo-wine pair o' Sonova britches!" she informed her friends.
"Sonova—" Sunset blinked. "You mean those really swanky jeans?"
"Eeyup!" Applejack nodded proudly. "Bought 'em for fancy wear. Like fer church an' big family stuff." She waved. "See y'all later!" She ambled away at a swift walk, whistling happily to herself.
Rarity blinked. "She's that happy about a pair of Sonova jeans?" she wondered. "I've used more expensive skirts as dishrags..."
"Eh, it's a hick thing," Rainbow Dash said with a shrug. "I mean, she thinks Stinky Bottom's Discount Hat Emporium is a high-end shop, and even I laugh my butt off at that!"
"Now now, be nice, everypony," Fluttershy said mildly.
"Fluttershy's right, you guys," Sunset said. "We sho—" She cut off abruptly, then looked back at Fluttershy, blinking. "Everypony?"
Rainbow and Pinkie Pie made groans of disgust as Fluttershy ducked her head. "Way to go, featherbrain," Rainbow grumbled, smacking Fluttershy upside the head.
"Oh. Um. I meant...sorry, I was thinking about, umm...riding horses? We do that sometimes, right?"
"Oi," Pinkie grunted, heaving a sigh.
Sunset pursed her lips. "What's going on here?" she asked.
"Yes, I'm rather curious as well," Rarity said, arching an eyebrow.
Rainbow Dash puffed out her lips. "Nothin'," she said.
"Nothing, huh?" Sunset said, crossing her arms. "Well—"
Starlight Glimmer suddenly rushed up to the group, doubling over and gasping for breath. "Guys," she huffed. "Jig's up. Twilight knows. You need to get..." She looked around, then paled. "Umm..."
"It's okay, Starlight," Rainbow said with a sigh. "Fluttershy just blew our cover anyway. Did Applejack make it back already?"
"Yeah, and not-pony AJ's waiting by the portal," Starlight said.
"Hold on a second," Twilight said, adjusting her glasses. "Are you telling me our friends have been—"
"Pony doppelgangers," Sunset said, narrowing her eyes. "Alright, exactly who's in on this charade?"
Rainbow, Fluttershy, and Pinkie ducked their heads and raised their hands sheepishly.
Sunset facepalmed. "Fine, just...fine," she said. "I don't even wanna know, just...head back to Equestria and send our friends back," she said.
Starlight led three sheepish, shame-faced pony girls out the front doors of the school. The others followed more slowly.
"I honestly never noticed," Rarity said, biting her lip.
"Neither did I, and that scares me," Sunset admitted.
"At least I have a good excuse," Twilight muttered.
A few minutes later, Sunset, Twilight, and Rarity watched Applejack, Rainbow, Fluttershy, and Pinkie disappear into the portal, with Starlight right behind them. Less than thirty seconds later, the same group of girls, minus Starlight, reappeared, grinning and smirking.
Sunset, Rarity, and Twilight favored them all with disapproving stares. "Enjoy your little joke, ladies?" Rarity asked briskly.
"Oh yeah, we got you good," Rainbow said with a snicker.
"That was kind of fun," Fluttershy added, giggling.
"Right," Sunset drawled. "Well, if you're all through horsing around—"
"Wait a second," Twilight said suddenly, narrowing her eyes. "Something doesn't seem right here."
"You mean aside from the ridiculous practical joke our friends just played?" Rarity asked.
Twilight adjusted her glasses. "Fluttershy knew way too much about our pop culture, and how would an equine know our vulgar sexual slang?" She began ticking items off on her finger. "Also, why would Rainbow Dash still have the leash and collar? And if that was pony Applejack, why did she have a smartphone?"
Rarity pursed her lips. "All excellent questions, but certainly—"
"Also, I saw Fluttershy throw away a tampon right at the end of lunch, just as the bell rang," Twilight added, eyes narrowed. "That means pony Fluttershy couldn't have been here for more than two hours—if she ever was!"
The four pranksters looked at each other, then shrugged.
"You got us, sugarcube," Applejack fessed up. "It was all a double fake."
"Starlight Glimmer was in on it to make it look real," Fluttershy added. "They chose me to set up the joke because it made the most sense."
Sunset groaned. "You know what? I don't even care anymore," she said. "You're all turds." Shaking her head, she stalked off at a fast walk, her friends falling in behind her, laughing all the way.
* * * * *
The sun had long since set. A stiff night breeze blew through Canterlot.
Twilight Sparkle stood in front of the statue outside CHS. The surface rippled, and an identical Twilight Sparkle, right down to her glasses, emerged from the portal. "Well?" this Twilight asked. "How'd it go?"
"Everything went according to plan," Twilight said with a smirk. Giggling, she added, "The layers of fake prank were a nice touch." She stretched. "I really enjoyed spending the day here. I got to study human culture up close, and I got a lot better at typing!"
Sci-Twi giggled. "Glad you had fun," she said. "I enjoyed my day in Equestria, even if I didn't get around to leaving your castle. I mean, I literally spent the entire day just touring the castle. How do you even?"
"You get used to it," Princess Twilight said. "Well, your Shining Armor is waiting to take you home. Take care!" And with that, she stepped through the portal, returning to Equestria.
"So last night I started thinkin'," Rainbow Dash said. "If Princess Twilight did it with Flash and got pregnant, would their baby be a centaur?"
"GAH!" Twilight Sparkle said, face paling. "Rainbow Dash!"
"I did say Princess Twilight," Rainbow pointed out. "As in, not you?"
"That's not what—well, actually, that also, but—"
"Rainbow Dash, whatever is wrong with your brain?" Rarity wondered.
"Eh, I dunno," Pinkie Pie said. "It's not the weirdest thing any of us have ever come up with. Actually, it's a pretty good question." She tilted her head. "Do they even have centaurs in Equestria?"
Sunset Shimmer rolled her eyes. "First of all, I'm pretty sure that's not how it works, Rainbow, so...probably not. Second, I..." She frowned. "I'm not sure, actually. I think I remember reading something about centaurs once? But it's been a long time..." Brow furrowing, she reached into her bag and pulled out the journal, writing a quick note.
A few minutes later, it glowed, and Sunset read the response. Her face fell. "Ouch. Bad question to ask," she said. She hastily wrote an apology, then closed the journal and put it away.
"Well?" Rainbow asked.
Sunset sighed. "Apparently there are, or were, centaurs in Equestria. Or rather, from a distant kingdom outside Equestria. The only centaur known to ponykind is named Tirek, and he recently attempted to conquer Equestria and almost succeeded. She said something about him having the power to drain pony magic, and escaping Tartarus, then they fought him and put him back, but he destroyed half of Ponyville and burned down her home." She shrugged. "So yeah, I think centaurs are a sore subject for Twilight."
"Ouch," Rainbow said. "Umm...yeah...forget I asked, then."
* * * * *
Everyone who knew Pinkie Pie had long since learned to ignore her bizarre antics. However, sometimes Pinkie Pie was too random to ignore.
"What's she doing?" Twilight Sparkle wondered.
Most of Pinkie's friends were gathered on the back steps of the school, watching Pinkie Pie roll giant signage letters around the school track. She'd roll one letter for a while, let it drop somewhere, step back, tilt her head, then either move it some more or disappear for a few minutes and return with another large letter, repeating the process.
"Is she working on something for Principal Celestia?" Rarity wondered.
"Ah don't think so," Applejack said. "She don't seem ta be spellin' nothin'."
"Girls?" Principal Celestia asked from behind the group. "What is Pinkie Pie doing on the track?"
At that moment, Pinkie began pushing a cart loaded with three Es and two As down the track.
"Looks like she's having a vowel movement," Sunset Shimmer said.
Everyone stared at her. One of the Es fell off Pinkie's cart.
Celestia rolled her eyes and went back inside without comment.
* * * * *
Sunset Shimmer couldn't sleep.
It was late Friday night. Since Thursday evening, she'd been dealing with menstrual symptoms, ultimately leading her to forego an outing with her friends. All day Friday, she'd been suffering through cramps—not the worst cramps in the world, but still pretty bad—and bloating, and had spent the day curled up in bed with her heating pad, doped up on Dammitol and drifting in and out of a fitful sleep.
Now it was half past midnight, and Sunset was wide awake. Her entire body was stiff and sore from lying in bed all day, so she got up and went to the bathroom, then padded around her apartment. She had thought of checking her e-mail or reading some of the books piling up in her digital library, but she dismissed those ideas fairly quickly as her eyes were puffy and bleary. Instead, she went to the freezer, grabbed a carton of chocolate covered cherry ice cream, plopped down on the couch, and turned on the television, keeping the volume low and flicking through the channels. She opted not to bother with the program guide or even pay attention to the info boxes that popped up, instead resorting to the refuge of the truly bored and listless: blind channel-surfing.
Because she generally kept herself busy during the day and believed in a proper eight hours of sleep at night, Sunset had very little experience with late night television. She assumed it was more or less the same as daytime and primetime television.
"Stop having a boring pussy! Try Vajujubeast for thirty days! If you're not satisfied, keep it and get your money back!"
Apparently, she was very, very wrong.
The screen showed two women excitedly applying rhinestones to their private areas with what looked like a cross between a label maker and a hot glue gun, while a guy wearing a headset gesticulated animatedly behind them while waving around the product in question and extolling the virtues of pasting plastic jewels to your crotch.
"What...the..." Sunset could only stare in horror as the commercial went on and on and on.
When the commercial finally ended, it was followed by several promos for bad, low-budget horror movies of the type Rainbow Dash was a fan of. The channel's late night movie returned, a grainy, older film full of explosions and smoke and screaming. It was a subtitled foreign film; a rubber suit monster that looked like a bipedal elephant with an upraised, erect, extremely phallic trunk was stomping through a cheap cardboard set. Occasionally, it would trumpet loudly and spray fire from its trunk. This would cut to Neighponese people running around in a panic, and somebody screaming at the top of their lungs. The subtitles said "Dongzilla!", but Sunset's ears were sharp enough to pick up that they were actually saying "Chinkozo!", which she guessed was probably Neighponese for "Dongzilla."
Shaking her head, she changed the channel.
"Diet Dogs: The Leaner Wiener!" a cheerful voice proclaimed. The commercial faded.
"And now back to the Late Late Movie: Queer For My Horses, on Throwback!"
Sunset wrinkled her nose as a scene played out of a cowboy lovingly fondling a stallion's mane while giving the poor beast the moon eyes. "Why can't Ah quit you?" the cowboy asked the horse. Sunset shuddered and changed the channel again.
She was immediately blinded by a bright strobe from the TV. "Gah!"
"—with an attack strobe to stun attackers. This flashlight is so durable it can withstand being run over by a tank and so bright it can be seen from a helicopter!"
Sunset rubbed her eyes, which watered and stung and had black spots dancing in them. "Why would they even show it doing that?" she moaned. By the time she could see again, the commercial had ended, and the programming—a late-night music video block—kicked in. A bunch of heavily made-up rockers with huge, feathered hair were dancing around on the screen wearing costumes made of badly clashing animal prints. The little popup in the corner of the screen identified the band and video as:
Dixnot "Cum On Over (Again and Again)"
Sunset groaned. She was just about to change the channel again when the video suddenly froze. Frowning, she pressed the button to change the channel on the remote.
The screen went black. The infobox for the next channel came up. Then the screen stayed black.
After thirty seconds, the screen turned gray, and informed her that the channel was not available. Sunset frowned and hit 'Guide', then started picking channels at random.
Nothing was working.
"Great," she muttered. "An outage." Shaking her head, she picked up her phone. When she input her lock code, a notification was waiting for her:
WiFi not available
Sunset frowned. Grunting, she got up from her comfortable spot and headed over to where her router lived. She leaned down and checked it.
Lights were blinking that should not be blinking.
"Great," Sunset muttered. Shaking her head, she opened her contacts and quick-dialed the cable company.
//Welcome! Canterlot Cable is now Prism. For quality assurance, this call may be monitored.//
Sunset suffered through the menu of options, then said, "My internet's not working."
//Got it. One second while I pull up your technical support information.// A pause. //We've received reports of an outage in your area affecting cable TV, internet, and phone service. Our technicians are working to fix the problem as quickly as possible—//
Sunset disconnected the call and sighed. "Great," she groaned. "Can't sleep, no Internet, no TV." She considered using her mobile data to watch EweTube or something, but her eyes were still feeling pretty cruddy and that was an awful strain—not to mention, it would burn through her data and it was only the sixth day of the month. She flopped back down on the couch, massaging the bridge of her nose and glaring at the unresponsive television.
"This sucks..."
* * * * *
"Oh, dudes, did you see it?" Rainbow asked suddenly. "Goku going Ultra Instinct is so awesome! Man, he just gets cooler and cooler and more awesome and kickass all the time!"
"Oy, DBZ," Pinkie groaned, rolling her eyes. "It's just...the same thing over and over again. How do you not get tired of it?"
"Because it's awesome!" Rainbow retorted. "And it's actually Dragon Ball Super right now?" She jumped up and started doing poses. "KAMEHAMEHA!"
"Yeah, I'm gonna be honest?" Sunset said. "Vegeta's the best character, hands down. I...don't really think Goku's all that cool. Actually, he's pretty lame."
"Lame?!" Rainbow cried. "What th—Goku is awesome and kicks everybody's butt all the time! He always gets stronger and always wins and saves the day! How can you say he's lame?!"
"Uh, because he doesn't lose ever?" Sunset pointed out. "He's always pulling some new trick out of his butt to win fights he shouldn't be able to win. It was cool back when it was just Super Saiyan, but now it's just...he's always getting some stupid new upgrade to make him hit harder and it's always Goku who gets it first just because he's the hero, and...honestly? For being the 'hero', he really kind of isn't."
Rainbow pulled a face. "Oh god, you're not gonna start in on the whole 'the Tournament of Power is his fault' thing, are you?"
"No, because that's explained right in the show," Sunset said. "No, my problem with Goku is that he's a selfish, thoughtless jerk who only cares about finding his next fight."
"She's got a point," Twilight said. "Sunset loaned me the entire manga over winter break. It's not the kind of thing I normally read? But I got into it because of the clever wordplay, the humor, and the characters. And honestly? Goku kinda doesn't think about anything but himself."
Rainbow stared at them, jaw agape. "Wha—BULLSHIT!" she roared. "He's always saving the world and the universe over and over again! He takes down every big baddie that comes along to kill everyone! How can you say he—"
Sunset held up a hand. "Rainbow," she said patiently. "What does Goku do when he's not fighting?"
Rainbow frowned. "Eating, mostly," she said. "Or training. Or..." She bit her lip. "Well, he's a farmer, right? I mean, he does farm stuff."
"His wife makes him do farm stuff," Sunset pointed out. "And if he suddenly decides he wants to do something else, he just leaves right in the middle of the harvest."
Rainbow held up a finger, then paused. "Uhh..." Her brow furrowed. "Okay, yeah, he did that...like...once or twice..."
"I think the point Sunset's trying to make is that Goku's motivations for fighting almost never have anything to do with saving the world," Twilight said. "To him, saving the world comes after fighting a strong opponent."
"But...no!" Rainbow said. "I mean, he fought Nappa and Vegeta to save the world, and he went to Namek to rescue his friends and get the Dragon Balls, and—!"
"Cell," Sunset pointed out. "Buu. Beerus. Zamasu. How many times has Goku screwed things up just because he wanted a good fight?"
Rainbow fell silent.
"And when he's not in the middle of some fight, he complains about having to do chores. He doesn't really make time for his family," Sunset said. "Now, look at Vegeta. He started off as a big murdering jerk, but later on he settled down and became a devoted husband and father. He still fights and he still loves a challenge and he still trains and he's still Vegeta, but he cares more about keeping the people he loves safe than he cares about fighting strong opponents. Goku...doesn't."
Rainbow looked like she was about to cry. "But..." Her lip trembled. "But Goku's the ultimate good guy! He..." She faltered. "He..." She worried with her wristbands. "You gotta be wrong, you gotta be missin' somethin'..."
Sunset sighed, hating herself for it, but she played her final trump card. "I can prove Vegeta is more of a hero that Goku is with three words." She took a deep breath. "Fun Time Bingo."
Pinkie blinked. "Huh?"
Twilight fought a snicker. "S-sorry," she said. "That...that scene was so..."
Rainbow, on the other hand, hung her head in defeat. "Dammit, you win," she said. "You're right. Vegeta...he'll do anything for the people he cares about." She sniffled. "I guess...maybe Goku's just a fight nut...who just happens to save the world a lot..."
"Look, just because Goku isn't heroic, it doesn't mean he isn't a hero," Twilight said gently. "He is. It's just...he's a terrible person. I mean, where it counts. Anything that doesn't have to do with fighting, he just...can't be bothered with it."
Rainbow grimaced. "Yeah...I see your point." She visibly deflated. "Wow, that takes a lot of the fun out of it..."
"Aww, we're not trying to take the fun out of it, Rainbow," Sunset said soothingly. "Sorry if..." She bit her lip. "Wow, these fan debates never go anywhere good, do they?"
"They really, really don't," Pinkie Pie said. "Hey, who's up for some Teen Titans Go?"
In retrospect, Cream Heart thought as she wrestled her son Button Mash away from the arcade cabinets for the umpteenth time, it might have been a better idea for Pinkie Pie to hold her Pinkie's Pals Playdate Party somewhere other than the Funcade.
Not that there was anything wrong with the Funcade, per se. It certainly beat Greasy Pizza's shithole of a party place—in addition to a broader variety of better, tastier food, it boasted a much nicer ball pit, a trampoline zone, a laser tag maze, a mini basketball court, and of course, an arcade full of modern and classic video games, pinball tables, and skee ball.
With all the fun, healthy activities available for kids to enjoy, her Button had found the one thing that would keep him from having to talk to the other kids—which was the entire point of this party.
Cream Heart had been surprised when Pinkie Pie approached her one day when she was having a coffee and a tart at the snack shop. "I'm throwing a special party!" the exuberant girl had said. "It's for kids who maybe don't have the best luck making friends or are kind of shy and withdrawn. I heard your kid's always by himself playing video games, would you like to bring him to the party?"
And she had, because she very much felt that Button needed friends.
Most of the kids present were a couple of years younger than Button—the oldest present, a girl named Twist, looked to be on the cusp of leaving junior high. Button, himself a sixth grader, stood out as the lone member of the middle age range. The rest of the kids were third and fourth graders—a quiet girl named Lily Pad, a scrawny, mousy boy from Trottingham named Pipsqueak, the energetic Cake twins, Pound and Pumpkin, and lastly, Zipoorwhill, an excitable girl with big black plastic-rimmed glasses and a little toy tiara. Cream Heart was the only parent on the scene; Pinkie Pie was there to help out, and divided her time between entertaining all the kids and trying to nudge specific kids together to bond. The staff was a bit short-handed; apart from the cooks in the kitchen, floor duty was divided between the manager, a kind, fatherly man named Coleco, a girl around Pinkie's age named Juniper Montage who looked supremely bored, and a slightly younger high-schooler named Scootaloo, who kept trying to challenge everybody to mini hoops. Try as she might, Cream Heart honestly could not figure out if Scootaloo was a boy or a girl.
"But Moooooom," Button wailed as Cream Heart led him back over to the party table, "they have Zombie Hunter DX!"
"You have that at home, Button," Cream Heart said with a sigh.
"Nuh-uh! I have Zombie Hunter EX, that got rid of Splatter Combos and took out the secret bonus boss battle with Zombie Tirek!"
"I thought Zombie Tirek was in the DLC I bought you for getting an A on your math test."
"No, that was the fanservice pack that gives you ten new outfits for Lollipop and makes her boobs bigger!"
Cream Heart paused, blinking. "Wait. You have zero interest in girls and you're not even old enough for that kind of thing. Why did you—"
"Because the Jailbait Maid costume is +15 to every stat and lets you dual-wield chainsaws," Button said flatly.
"Oh, right." Cream Heart shook her head. "Anyway, enough about that for now. Why don't you talk to some of these other kids? Maybe play some mini basketball or...hey! How about laser tag?" She put on her best 'Mommy has a good idea' smile. "It's like a real-life video game!"
Button tilted his head. "Weeeeelllll..."
"Come on, Button!" Pinkie Pie yelled from the entrance to the laser tag maze. "We're all gonna play laser tag! It'll be fun!"
"'Kay," Button chirped, scampering over to join the line of kids following Pinkie and Juniper into the laser maze. Cream Heart sighed and sat down heavily at the vacated, mess-strewn party table.
"Got yourself a handful there, huh?" Coleco said with a chuckle as he bustled over to start clearing the garbage and dirty plates.
"You have no idea," Cream Heart said, rolling her eyes. "I mean, there's nothing wrong with loving video games, I grew up on them and I still play them whenever I can, but Button never wants to do anything else."
"I know the type," Coleco said. "Heck, when I was a kid, I'd spend hours and my entire allowance playing Fruit Muncher and Monkey Pong." He sighed. "Of course, back then, arcades were a lot more popular."
"I grew up on Fight Fighter and Total Zombie Island," Cream Heart said. "And a few RPGs. And all the other PlotStation classics."
"Ugh, PlotStation," Coleco grunted. "My kids begged me and begged me for one and then when I finally caved getting them to do anything else was like pulling teeth. And nowadays, all the games are so edgy and hi-def and..." He shook his head. "Give me simple, classic arcade games any day."
Cream Heart giggled. "Your kids sound like me when I was a kid," she said. "I couldn't wait for the holidays, because Mom and Dad promised me a PlotStation, and then I spent the whole winter break playing." She shook her head. "I've still got my old PlotStation, but I sold most of the games online to buy our PlotStation 4. I have to really ride Button about his grades, though. And..." She bit her lip. "Well, he doesn't really have any friends. I mean, offline friends." She paused. "Actually, I'm not so sure he has that many online friends except for this one Neighponese girl..." Her eyes took on a faraway gaze. "The Neighponese girl is a problem."
"How so?"
"Ever since Button met her, she's been trying to get him to play this really horrible game called Lolicidal Tendencies," Cream Heart said. "It's...it's like everything bad about Neighponese games all rolled up into one package. There's no way in hell I'm letting him buy it, and if he manages to sneak it past me, I'm setting the parental controls on the PlotStation so high he won't be able to play anything but match-threes."
"I'm almost afraid to ask."
"It involves hunting and brutally killing half-naked underage girls," Cream Heart said. "Let's leave it there."
"Ugh! That's...who comes up with that?"
"Neighponese perverts." Cream Heart snorted, then chuckled ruefully. "You know, it's funny? Back when I was a kid, I had to argue with my mom and dad about Total Zombie Island and Killer Kombat because they thought those games were too gory and violent, and now I'm totally fine with my own son playing those but there's a game that's so much worse that I draw the line at."
"It does seem like every generation tries to outdo the last one," Coleco said. "Makes you shudder to think what kind of games your grandkids are going to be begging to play, doesn't it?"
* * * * *
"Here, Ma, have some hot cider."
"Thank you, dear." Cream Heart accepted the cider gratefully, rearranging the blankets in her lap. It was a bitterly cold December, and her arthritis bothered her something fierce. "What are the kids up to?"
Button Mash rolled his eyes. "You know kids," he said. "First thing they did after they cleared the table was run off to play." He tapped his phone a few times, and the living room TV turned on; the ultra-hyper definition display showed a candy forest soaked in blood and gore, with screaming half-naked young-looking girls running around in a panic, some of them missing limbs, some of them armed with various silly-looking weapons like squeaky hammers and paper fans.
"Oh my, is that Lolicidal Tendencies?" Cream Heart asked. "I thought that was banned years ago."
"It came back," Button said with a grimace. "I really wish the kids would play something else. This game is just as sick now as it was when I was a kid."
"But you let them play it?"
"Eh," Button shrugged. "I don't wanna be the mean parent, that's Lily's job. Besides, it's not as bad as Mass Shooter Kart or Streets of Rape."
They fell silent, watching as Button's kids' avatars chased after moe characters.
"Man, video games were so much better back in the day," Button said with a tired sigh.
"So you girls remember a while back when we were talkin' about songs that don't mean what we think they mean?"
The girls all looked at Rainbow Dash, who seemed unusually exasperated as she sat down on the plinth by the portal, arms crossed and a sour expression on her face. "Yeah, it was when you had that song from The Lego Movie as your ringtone, right?" Sunset asked. "What about it?"
Rainbow grimaced. "My dad's latched onto this one song..."
* * * * *
"Some day, I'll wear...pajamas in the dayTIME!" Bow Hothoof crooned chipperly as he wandered around the house oiling door hinges and tightening loose screws.
As he passed by Rainbow's room, she looked up from her tablet with an annoyed groan. "Will ya give it a rest with that song, Dad?"
"No can do, hon!" Bow said with a grin. "You know I'm taking early retirement next week! I can't wait! This song is so what I'm gonna do! Well, except for the T.S. Eliot part. I'd rather read the sports page. But just sitting around drinking coffee and reading the paper, not changing out of my jammies all day? Yeah, that sounds like the life for me..."
Rainbow gave him a flat stare. "Dad? Have...have you listened to any of the words to that song except the chorus? I mean, really listened?"
Bow tilted his head and hummed. "Nah, not really," he said. "I just like that dude's deep voice, and I really dig that chorus! Soooome daaay, I'll have—"
Rainbow groaned and slammed her face into her open palm.
* * * * *
"And it's like, all he cares about is the part that sounds like his ideal retirement, but the rest of the song's just humming noise to him, and it bugs the crap outta me!" Rainbow ranted.
The other girls frowned. "Okay," Sunset said, "and what's the song really about? Because I've honestly never heard of it."
"I haven't either," Fluttershy said, looking it up on her phone. "Oh wow, no wonder. It's really, really old."
Twilight Sparkle frowned. "It's not that old," she said as she searched the song as well. "I mean, sure, none of us were even born yet when it came out, but..."
"Oh wow, that's not a happy song at all," Pinkie said, her curls deflating as she took out her earbuds. "I mean, it kind of is? It's like, the singer's not letting it get to him and the song's really upbeat and all? But...wow..."
"I...I see why it disturbs you so, Rainbow Dash," said Rarity as she removed her own earbuds. The other girls were now listening to the song as well and frowning thoughtfully.
"Yeah," Rainbow said. "I don't like listenin' to my perfectly healthy except for a busted shoulder dad singin' a song about dying of lung cancer all the time."
"You know, I've been getting fed up with commercials using songs that just aren't right lately," Fluttershy said. "I mean, like that one car commercial. What's that even supposed—I mean—how's that even work? Are they trying to market their car as being the devil? Or that the devil drives their car? What?"
"Huh? What's that?" Applejack asked. "Ah kinda ignore commercials. Course, Ah kinda don't watch that much TV neither."
"Oh, well...there's a bunch of commercials for this new car that use the Rolling Stones' 'Sympathy for the Devil'," Fluttershy explained. "Except they only use the very beginning and the chorus. You know, 'Please allow me to introduce myself, I'm a man of wealth and taste'..."
"'Pleased to meet you, hope you guess my name,'" Sunset finished. "Maybe the guys who came up with the ad are so young they don't know what that song's about, or hope the audience they're trying to sell the car to is too young to know the song? I mean, it's a pretty old song."
"It's a classic song," Rainbow countered. "And yeah, that's...that's just weird."
"I had to stop going to my favorite party store because one of their commercials really ticked me off," Pinkie Pie said. "They use the opening of this really, really nasty rap song in a commercial full of little girls and pink balloons and stuff, like...I don't know," she said. "I mean, just because the song's called 'Party Up'..." She gestured expansively. "It's so dumb!"
"I don't know that song," Twilight said with a frown.
"You don't wanna know that song," Pinkie said. "It's basically about a gangbanger raging out threatening to kill a whole bunch of other gangbangers."
The others stared at her. "And...and they use that in a commercial that features children?!" Rarity exclaimed, aghast.
"Just the 'safe' part of the song," Pinkie said. "Which is only about like, fifteen seconds of it."
"Man, what the heck is wrong with ad people?" Rainbow wondered, shaking her head.
"There's dozens of articles online about this kind of thing," Twilight said, looking at her phone. "Apparently, it's pretty common—has been for a while."
"Ah know that there ad for them fancy cruises uses a song about shootin' up drugs," Applejack put in. "That one's been around for ages."
"How about any use of 'Welcome to the Jungle' EVER?" Fluttershy suddenly exclaimed. "I mean, how many movies, TV shows, and video games have used that song with absolutely no awareness?"
"Oooh, yeah, good example!" Pinkie said.
"Or using 'Crazy Train' as a sports anthem," Rainbow said. "That bugs the crap outta me. When I got to CHS, the baseball team was usin' it. I put a stop to that shit."
Fluttershy stared at her incredulously. "Uh, Rainbow Dash? You replaced it with 'Song 2'. That's...that's not exactly any better."
Rainbow blew on her bangs. "Yeah, well the football team uses 'Tubthumping', so..."
"Are we getting off subject here?" Twilight wondered.
"Were we ever on subject?" Applejack countered.
"What even was the subject?" Pinkie wondered.
"Wonky songs in ads," Sunset pointed out.
"Oh yeah," Pinkie said. "Oh! How about any ad with 'Sister Christian' in it ever?"
"Or that one EMF song," Rarity said, lips thinning. "They sell cheese cubes with that song, of all things." She frowned. "But Pinkie Pie's example about the rap song in the party commercial, I think that...that pretty much tops the list. What were they thinking?"
* * * * *
Lily Pad, wearing a pink, frilly unicorn-themed party dress, stood over the fallen body of a girl in a blue fairy princess dress, a pistol held loosely in her hand as she stared with cold eyes.
A black SUV screeched up to the curb next to her. The passenger door flew open. Another nine-year-old girl leaned out from the driver's seat. "We gotta bounce, Li'l P!"
Lily Pad nodded and hopped into the SUV, which roared off into the night, veering crazily on the road and bouncing on its suspension as its speakers shook the ground.
Sunset Shimmer and Applejack were rounding the corner on their way to the cafeteria when they almost tripped over Fluttershy, who was squatting on the floor in front of the soda machine. "Razzafrickin'...oh! Sorrow of Moldavia!" Fluttershy hissed as she probed feebly and fruitlessly under the edge of the machine with her slender fingers.
"Dropped some money, Fluttershy?" Sunset asked, raising an eyebrow.
Fluttershy looked up, face red. "Oh, hi girls. Yeah, I dropped a dollar and it went under this stupid machine! I'm so peeved right now..."
"Shucks, sugarcube, lemme help with that." Applejack wrapped her arms around the machine and effortlessly lifted it off the floor. Fluttershy quickly scooped up her dollar and dusted it off as Applejack set the machine back down.
"Oh, it's all crumpled," Fluttershy sighed. "And I'm out of change..."
"Here, I've got enough change," Sunset said with a smile, taking the rumpled dollar from Fluttershy and giving her quarters. Fluttershy smiled gratefully and bought a drink, then joined her friends in the line moving slowly through the cafeteria doors. "So, uhh...that was some...interesting fake-swearing you were doing," Sunset said lightly.
Fluttershy eeped and blushed. "Oh, you...heard that. Umm..."
"—and then I moved on him like a bitch!" Pinkie Pie exclaimed loudly as she and Rainbow Dash walked up behind them. "Hey girls!" she said.
Rainbow laughed raucously at whatever anecdote Pinkie had been sharing. "Damn, Pinkie Pie, you are so full of shit sometimes! Hey everybody."
Fluttershy blinked at the two of them. "Um. You do know we're in public, right? And...at school..."
"Yeah, y'all wanna tone it down a speck?" Applejack asked, arching an eyebrow. "Granny's gonna give us all th' hairy eyeball."
"Aw, take the stick out," Rainbow said dismissively as the girls formed a loose group in the line.
"Yeah, AJ!" Pinkie said. "Newsflash, kids curse."
"I don't," Fluttershy said. "Um, except when I'm really really mad at my brother sometimes."
"Yeah, that kind of language is for outside of school," Sunset said. "Didn't TV teach you anything growing up?"
Rainbow gave her a flat stare. "Seriously?"
"Umm...I think being raised by the television would make a swearing habit worse, not..." Fluttershy trailed off. "A-anyway, none of us have parents that are that negligent."
"Yeah, Sunset," Pinkie said with a roll of her eyes, "just because you get to be all cool and aloof Miss I'm-My-Own-Independent-Woman, doesn't mean—" She stopped abruptly, eyes wide. "Too far, huh?" she said quietly.
"Nah, I have no regrets," Sunset said. "Fillies and colts strike out on their own pretty early in Equestria. Besides, I left home practically the day I got my Cutie Mark..." She frowned. "Hmm. Actually, I should better ask Princess Twilight to send my folks a letter, I haven't thought about them in years." She shook her head. "Anyway, not trying to be a prude or anything, but watch the language at school, okay? It's not that hard."
"Pfft," Rainbow snorted. "You sound like an after-school special."
"Now, Rainbow Dash," Fluttershy chided, "just because Sunset has a history of being evil and a bully—no offense—don't forget, she's from the same magical pony princess world as Twilight Sparkle. They probably don't even have swearing where she comes from, it's probably hard for her to get used to, even after all this time."
"I wouldn't say we don't have it," Sunset said. "It's just...what passes for swearing in Equestria is pretty tame by this world's standards, and pretty much sounds like Fluttershy's weird fake-swearing to you guys." She shrugged. "Stuff like 'horseapples' or 'old nag', mostly."
"Oh my," Fluttershy said, smothering a giggle.
From inside the cafeteria, a sudden shout made the entire line jump. "QUIT CUTTIN' IN GODDAMN LINE, Y' LITTLE SHIT!"
One afternoon a few weeks after the Friendship Games, Twilight Sparkle was browsing at her favorite bookstore when she ran into Sugarcoat. "Oh, hey Sugarcoat," she said with some trepidation. "How...how's it going?"
"It's going alright," Sugarcoat said. "Principal Cinch quit. Nobody misses her. Cadance is principal now."
"Wow, really?" Twilight asked, eyes lighting up. "Good for her!"
"The board is giving her a hard time," Sugarcoat said. She pulled out her phone and tapped away at it for a minute; Twilight's phone beeped and a video began loading...
* * * * *
In a stuffy conference room, a collection of stuffy, sour-faced old men sat around a long conference table, at the head of which sat Dean Cadance, primly dressed in her usual skirt and blazer. Sugarcoat and Sunny Flare stood nearby, out of the way, in their Crystal Prep uniforms.
The men were arguing back and forth. "Too young, too inexperienced," one said.
"But Abacus had no vice principal to take her place," said another. "We have few options."
"There are always other options!" snarled a white-skinned man in a stark black suit. His dull opal eyes glared hatefully up and down the table. His black hair was slicked back and firmly coiffed, and a sharp, pointed goatee graced his chin.
"We know what your idea of 'options' are, Neighsay!" another man shouted. "We've been over this!"
"But I must insist!"
"Gentlemen, please," Cadance called calmly and pleasantly over the squabbling. "Mr. Neighsay seems to have something to say." She inclined her head primly at Mr. Neighsay; the others fell silent as he leaned forward, squaring his shoulders.
"Very well," Neighsay began. "I have sat on the board of trustees for Crystal Prep for three generations. I was on this board when Abacus Cinch, a fine upstanding educator by any right, began her tenure. As much as it pains me to see her go, her loss to Canterlot High School was a sign. But let me make one thing clear: Abacus should be replaced with one who shares her values and experience, not a glorified guidance counselor with no respect for our reputation who goes and gives our brightest pupil to CHS—!"
A pink blur jumped onto the table and ran along its length, stopping in front of Neighsay. A pink harisen flashed out, striking him full in the face with enough force to send him crashing into the conference room wall. The trustees sat, stunned, and stared at Cadance, who stood atop the table, barefoot. She took a deep breath and drew herself up to her full height, holding the harisen primly in front of her with both hands. She turned to regard them all and spoke calmly. "Gentlemen. As the new Principal of Crystal Prep, I encourage you, from time to time and always in a respectful manner, to question my logic. If you're unconvinced a particular plan of action I've decided is the wisest, tell me so! But allow me to convince you, and I promise you right here and now: no subject will ever be taboo...except, of course, the subject that was just under discussion. The price you pay for bringing up Twilight Sparkle's transfer to Canterlot High as a negative is—I smack your fucking head." She pointed with her harisen at the dazed, insensate Neighsay. "Just like this fucker here." With that, she let her smoldering gaze circle the table, her harisen now held in a ready grip in her right hand.
"Now if ANY of you sons of bitches have ANYTHING ELSE TO SAY, NOW'S THE FUCKING TIME!"
Nobody dared speak.
"I didn't think so," Cadance said primly.
(Author's Note: This snippet is related to Comes a Crossover.)
"What," Plagg said sourly, giving the offered item the most scathing, offended look he could muster, "is that."
Pinkie Pie looked in confusion from Plagg to the wrapped yellow square she held up by a corner. "It's cheese," she said. "You said you wanted some cheese, right?"
Plagg drew himself up and puffed up in irritation. "That," he informed her coldly, "is not cheese."
"Huh? Of course it's cheese, silly!" Pinkie said. "I put it on cheeseburgers and grilled cheese sandwiches and ham and cheese sandwiches and stuff like that all the time!"
Plagg shuddered. "You actually eatthat?! Blech!"
"Plagg," Adrien hissed, "it's America. It's not their fault they don't know what real cheese is."
"Rude!" Pinkie said. "Also, what's America?"
"It's—nevermind," Adrien said, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Sorry, it's just, where we come from, if you called that stuff cheese, you'd be flogged in the street."
Pinkie blinked. "Are you for real?" She shook her head. "First Marinette and now you two, I swear. You Frenchies are real food snobs!"
"Food is our culture," Marinette said as she walked in, wiping her hands on a paper towel. "What went wrong now?"
"Cheese went wrong," Adrien said, pointing at the wrapped single Pinkie was still holding.
Marinette blinked. "That's supposed to be cheese?" She sighed and pinched the bridge of her nose, shaking her head. "Tu me fais chier..."
"SERIOUSLY!" Pinkie Pie cried, throwing her hands up (the cheese single flew out of her hand and stuck to the ceiling). "Why is it such a big deal with you guys?!"
"Where we come from, there are strict laws about what can and can't be called cheese, about specific types of cheese, and...well, basically cheese is a really big deal," Marinette explained. "So are bread and wine. Cheese, bread, and wine, those three things are...well, they're kind of the heart and soul of our country."
"Hundreds of years of history are tied up in French wine, cheese, and bread," Adrien said, nodding. "Kings and queens and churches and things come and go and soak our soil with blood, but no matter what happens to France or its people, the pride of our culture is in our food."
Plagg cocked an ear and squinted one eye. "This coming from the boy who complains about the smell of my beloved Camembert?"
"Hey, I can hate the stench and still respect the tradition," Adrien said.
"Sooo...just because your country is really snooty about cheese and stuff, you won't even try ours?" Pinkie asked with a mild frown. "Cause that makes you sound like a couple of butts."
Adrien and Marinette looked at each other, sheepish, guilty expressions on their faces. "I...guess we're kind of living up to the worst stereotypes about French people, huh?" Adrien said slowly.
Marinette sighed. "Yeah...we kind of are," she admitted. She shot Plagg a sharp look. "We all are."
Plagg blinked. "Hey, don't look at me, I'm not French," he said. "I just don't eat anything that doesn't have its own body odor."
"Ugh, nasty!"
"So you're willing to give cheese a chance?" Pinkie asked. Adrien and Marinette gave her hesitant nods. Her smile returning, Pinkie blurred into motion, gathering up bread and butter and a skillet. In just a couple of minutes, she had something sizzling on the stove. Before either French teen could ask what was happening, a happily humming Pinkie Pie slid a plate in front of each of them containing one perfectly golden brown, melty grilled cheese sandwich.
Adrien and Marinette looked at the sandwiches, at each other, and at Pinkie. They picked up half a sandwich each and took a bite.
"Hmm, that's...not bad actually," Marinette said.
"It's...mellow," Adrien said. "Nice and smooth. This'd be good to have if you're sick in bed, maybe with some soup."
Plagg drifted over and, curiosity getting the better of him, tore off a corner of a sandwich and ate it. He chewed thoughfully, then pulled a face. "I was right the first time," he decided.
The piece of cheese stuck to the ceiling chose that moment to fall, landing right on his head.
"Good afternoon, everyone!" Twilight Sparkle said to the two dozen or so CHS students packed into one of the free use rooms after school on a chilly Wednesday. "Welcome to the first meeting of the She-Ra Fanfiction Club!"
Rainbow Dash, who was leaning against one of the counters at the back of the room, blew on her bangs. "Seriously?" she asked flatly. "That's what this hot new club you're starting is?"
"She-Ra is so awesome!" Pinkie Pie said happily as she passed out cupcakes with white and gold frosting. "I've already watched the whole season twice!"
Sunset Shimmer blinked. "Pinkie Pie, it came out yesterday."
"I KNOW!"
"Hey, we're right with you," Lyra Heartstrings said. "Me and Bon Bon stayed up all night watching and rewatching every episode!"
"CATADORA FOREVER!" Flash Sentry yelled from the back corner of the room.
"SCREW YOU, CATTRAP ALL DAY EVERY DAY!" a girl in the other corner yelled. Several students cheered in chorus.
"Guys! GUYS!" Twilight yelled. Beside her, Sunset Shimmer pulled out an airhorn and blew it. Twilight held her ears with a grimace as the room settled down. "Look, I know you're all anxious to get started with shipping wars already, but today's meeting is about something more important!"
"What could possibly be more important than shipping wars, darling?" Rarity asked from a front row desk where she was filing her nails.
Twilight adjusted her glasses and steepled her fingers. "We need to make our OCs. Before somebody else steals them."
"Oooooooooooh," the room chorused.
"Yeah, that's a good point," Pinkie Pie said.
Applejack chortled. "Y'all take this stuff way too serious-like," she said. "Ah mean, Ah only watched this dang show cause all mah friends was watchin' it. An' it's a good show an' all, but really?"
"AJ's right," Rainbow Dash said. "This is peak nerd." She fist-bumped Applejack with a grin and a chuckle.
Twilight narrowed her eyes and smirked. "You girls couldn't come up with a good OC between you, admit it."
Applejack and Rainbow Dash glared hotly at her. "Can so!" they chorused.
"Alright. Prove it."
"Oh, I'll prove it alright!" Rainbow Dash cried. "And then I'll prove YOU!"
Lyra blinked. "That...didn't even make sense." A few of the others snickered.
"How hard can it be t' make up a She-Ra character?" Applejack asked. "Ah mean, they're all pretty straightforward. They all got a name that basically says exactly whut they're all about."
"Yeah, seriously!" Rainbow said. She waved her hands around. "Ooh, look, it's Giraffa! She's a princess with a really long neck! Oh, wait, there's Bigfista! She's got really big fists and she can punch stuff!"
A silence descended upon the room.
Bon Bon frowned. "Wouldn't those just be R63 versions of Mekanek and Fisto?" she asked. "Because that's pretty lazy." A general murmur of agreement rose from everyone else.
Rainbow blinked. "Who and what now?"
"You know, the He-Man characters?" Flash asked.
Sunset coughed. "Why don't you two hold off until later," she suggested. "Who wants to start?"
"Ooh, me! Pick me! Me!" Pinkie said, waving her hand energetically.
"Okay, Pinkie Pie, tell us about your OC."
Pinkie stood up as though reading aloud in class. "My OC is Hilaria, the Laughter Princess. She's an expert in every style of comedy, be it jokes, slapstick, prop comedy, or that really weird meta stuff they do on late night TV. Also, she has a laughing gas gun that shoots laughing gas at her enemies!"
"Not bad, not bad," Twilight said. "The laughing gas part especially. So, do you have a description or a drawing, or—"
"She looks like me, duh," Pinkie said, hands on her hips.
Sunset chuckled. "Of course she does."
"Umm, I have an OC," Fluttershy said timidly. Once everyone's attention was on her, she ducked slightly behind her desk. "Umm...it's not a very good one though, so..."
"Go ahead, Fluttershy," Sunset encouraged.
"Oh, um. W-well. My OC's name is Fauna. She's, umm...she likes animals. She...she takes care of animals and can, umm...ask animals to help her do things and stuff."
"So, basically, your OC is you," Rainbow Dash said.
"She'd pair perfectly with Perfuma," Rarity agreed.
Fluttershy brightened up. "Oh, yes," she said, nodding rapidly. "I, umm...I actually already started outlining a story with Perfuma and Fauna."
"So basically, y'all's idea of a good OC is yerself with a diff'rent name?" Applejack put in. "Well then, mah OC's Rodea, th' Cowgirl Princess. She's mighty strong, almost as strong as She-Ra, an' she can rope an' ride an' do all kinda rodeo tricks." She put her hands on her hips and tipped her hat down over her eyes, smirking smugly.
Rarity narrowed her eyes. "I hardly believe they have very many rodeos in Etheria, Applejack," she said.
"Oh yeah? Then you do me one better."
Rarity frowned. "I'm...having a bit of trouble with the name for mine," she said, "but my OC is the Princess of Fashion. She's the top designer and dressmaker for all of Etheria."
Applejack raised an eyebrow. "An' how's that any kinda useful against th' Horde?"
Rarity ducked her gaze, blushing furiously. "W-well! She..." Her cheeks puffed up. "She repairs all the lovely outfits damaged in battle, of course!"
Applejack smirked. "So she's a glorified seamstress," she said. "Hey, that could be her name! Seamstressa!"
Rainbow snickered. "Nice one!"
"That's enough, you two," Sunset said tiredly. With a game smile at Rarity, she added, "Your OC's...fine. I just...don't know what kind of story you'd write about her."
"Hmm, yes," Rarity hedged. "I...actually hadn't given that much thought..."
"So what kind of OC do you have, Twilight?" Rainbow challenged. "Since this is your dorky club and all."
Twilight grimaced. "I...actually..." She coughed and adjusted her glasses. "Entrapta pretty much covers every idea I have for an OC. I mean, pretty much everything I can come up with reads like a copy of Entrapta, so...aheh...still working on it." She trailed off into nervous giggles.
"I've got one," Spike the Dog piped up, jumping onto Twilight's desk and startling half the room. Smugly, he said, "His name's Canino. He's a dog boy. He beats up that nasty Catra a whole lot."
"BOOOOO!" someone in the back yelled. "CATRA IS BAE!"
"NO DOG BOYS!"
"Wait, what about a dog girl as a girlfriend for Catra?" someone said. That drew a quick flurry of heated debate.
"I'VE GOT IT!" Rainbow cried suddenly, silencing everyone. She jumped up onto a desk and struck a victory pose. "ATHLETTA, the Sports Princess! She's the best at every single sport in Etheria and she can use her sports skills to kick major butt!"
The room filled with agreeable murmurs. "That's...pretty good actually," Lyra said.
"Yeah, I'd buy that," Watermelody agreed.
"YES!" Rainbow cried, pumping a fist. "I win nerd club!"
Sunset rolled her eyes. "It's not about winning, Rainbow Dash," she said. "It's about sharing ideas so we can all help each other write the best She-Ra fanfiction we possibly can!" She coughed. "So, umm...I've got an OC too, and...she's basically me." She poked her fingertips together. "Her name's Incendia, and she's the Princess of Fire. She can shoot fire, make fires bigger, control fires, you know..."
"So she's a firebender, the same way Mermista's a waterbender?"
"Pretty much," Sunset said. "And her outfit has a phoenix motif..."
"Man," Rainbow Dash said with tired disdain as she pushed her laptop away and splayed herself across the table in a pose of abject boredom. "Another lame anime season. I can't find a single new show I wanna watch."
Trixie raised an eyebrow. "I didn't know you were a weeb."
"I'm not a weeb!" Rainbow retorted hotly, lifting her head to glare at Trixie. "Just because somebody watches anime doesn't make them a weeb."
"She's right," Sunset said, not looking up from her phone. "Watching anime doesn't make you a weeb. Being super annoying about it makes you a weeb." She spared Rainbow a quick glance. "Nothing at all, really? I mean you say that every season, then you end up finding something."
"Not this time," Rainbow said boredly. "It's the same old crap." She gestured vaguely as she scrolled down a website. "Fourth season of something I never watched the first season of, another idol project thing, another idol project thing, some actiony thing that maybe I'll watch two episodes of but probably won't stick with, two more everyday high school life shows like Fluttershy and Rarity like, some new basketball anime I'll probably try but after the rugby one last season I'm burned out on sports anime for a while, another isekai—"
"Of course," Sunset snorted.
"—and the usual mix of dumb gag shows and leftovers," Rainbow finished. "Like I said, total snorefest."
Trixie's brow furrowed. "E-sex?"
"Isekai," Sunset corrected. "It's..." She trailed off, pursing her lips.
"It's this type of show they're making way too many of lately," Rainbow said with a disgusted note in her voice. "It's like, total wish fulfillment garbage for actual weebs. Some random loser dies in a stupid accident or something and gets reborn in a fantasy world like from an RPG, only now instead of being a total loser, he's got all kinds of sweet magic and weapons and skills and stuff, and he starts gathering a party that's mostly made of up girls. Usually there'll be one with huge tits, one who acts like she's mad at him half the time but she's really in love with him, that one's little sister who's also in love with him, and a couple other random girls and some kind of super magical pet." She shook her head. "They're all exactly like that and they all totally suck."
Trixie blinked. "That's...weird," she said.
"Yeah, it is," Sunset said. "Nobody knows where the whole isekai genre came from, really, but everybody kind of wants it to just go away."
"But they just keep makin' more of 'em," Rainbow said tiredly. She sighed. "Ah well, at least I've still got Black Clover and Boruto to fall back on. Maybe I'll try to get back into One Piece...ugh, that's such a chore..."
"You could always try watching an older show you haven't watched yet," Sunset said.
Rainbow snorted. "Puh-lease. If I started randomly geeking out over some show everybody was over and done with years ago, I'd look super lame!"
"So?" Sunset countered. "Who cares? TV shows and movies and books don't have expiration dates. There'll always be somebody new discovering them."
"I guess," Rainbow said. "HEY!" she shouted as Trixie suddenly yoinked her laptop away and began studying it intently. "Give that back!"
"In a second," Trixie said. "I just want to see what all the drama's about." Her eyes scanned the open page, and her lips pursed. "Some of these titles are...really long. And unpronouncable."
"Yeah, well, that site lists the titles entirely in Japanese," Rainbow said. "Not that the titles are usually any better in English if they're super long."
"Ugh, light novel titles," Sunset grumbled. "God, I hate light novel titles."
Trixie raised an eyebrow. "What in the?" She began reading aloud, rather dramatically: "There's a rumor about a mysterious phenomenon called 'puberty syndrome.' For example, Sakuta Azusagawa is a high school student who suddenly sees a bunny girl appear in front of him. The girl is actually a girl named Mai Sakurajima, who is Sakuta's upperclassman who is also a famous actress who has gone on hiatus from the entertainment industry. For some reason, the people around Mai cannot see her bunny-girl figure. Sakuta sets out to solve this mystery, and as he spends time with Mai, he learns her secret feelings. Other heroines who have 'puberty syndrome' start to appear in front of Sakuta."
Dead silence fell.
"Okay, what the actual fuck?" Sunset said with a bemused snort.
"Betcha anything Twilight'll be watching that one," Rainbow said. "Or Fluttershy."
"Oh, this must be one of those e-suck thingies," Trixie said. "Lonely thirty-seven-year-old Satoru Mikami is stuck in a dead-end job, unhappy with his mundane life, but after dying at the hands of a robber, he awakens to a fresh start in a fantasy realm...as a slime monster! As he acclimates to his goopy new existence, his exploits with the other monsters set off a chain of events that will change his new world forever!"
"Eeeeyup," Rainbow said. "That's textbook isekai. Well, except the slime monster part. That's...a little different?"
"That actually sounds like a funny gimmick," Sunset said. "Maybe it's poking fun at the whole isekai thing?"
"Maybe."
"Here's one," Trixie said. "A typical morning. The usual music. Their normal lives. The peace these seven girls experience will suddenly be destroyed. By the living dead... zombies. A reality that they never wanted a part of, an amazing and terrifying zombie world. They all share one wish: 'We want to live.' These girls will struggle through this saga, in order to achieve a miracle."
"Yeah," Rainbow said. "I'm so over zombies. The promo art for that one doesn't really sell it either."
Trixie continued perusing the page, then ultimately slid Rainbow's laptop back over, shaking her head. "I have...no idea what any of that is," she said disdainfully, "but it absolutely doesn't look like anything I'd be remotely interested in. Of course, I have better things to do with my time than watching anime in the first place."
Sunset and Rainbow smirked at her, eyebrows raised.
Trixie blushed. "That...that's different, okay?" She fumbled her phone out of her pocket.
"Funny, I don't remember your ringtone being that," Sunset mused as Trixie answered. With a nervous, flustered glance at the other two girls, Trixie turned away and spoke into the phone in a small, embarrassed voice.
A dark void spread as far as Sunset Shimmer could see.
Slowly, a towering form faded into view before her. She craned her neck up, up, and up some more. Her jaw dropped. Principal Celestia loomed above her, taller than the tallest skyscraper, dressed in a flowing gold and white dress and wearing a gold crown that shone like the sun. A long, tapered shard of red crystal was affixed to her forehead like a horn. She folded her arms and looked down at Sunset imperiously.
"So pitiful," she said. "The little pony, the girl who rose so high and fell so far, and nobody remembers you. We would cry for you if We didn't have paperwork to file. So much paperwork, so many dead trees...yes, We will cry for the trees, but not for you.
"Your friends have forgotten you, stunted Sunset. F-O-R-G-O-T-T-E-N. You can make them remember, yes. You can roll up their memories. Or a reasonable facsimile thereof. Terms and restrictions may apply. Now! On to the rolling."
And then space contracted around Sunset, and she found herself standing in a vast, cavernous hall with towering walls and an impossibly high ceiling. A bright orange ball covered in red bumps stood in front of her. The floor was littered with reams of detritus, mostly arranged in curiously straight, neat rows; the rows weaved between the feet of colossal titans.
Celestia's face appeared above her.
"Today, you will be rolling around the school. We can believe in you for 23 minutes. No more and no less. No special hour-long episode for you today. Get it done in a regular episode's time."
Music began playing from seemingly nowhere, and the world came to life around Sunset. She grabbed onto the ball in front of her and started pushing it down the hall, watching as loose buttons and stray pieces of candy stuck to its surface. She skillfully weaved between the enormous feet of faceless people, picking up rows of random objects from paperclips to candy wrappers, the ball slowly growing in size.
A sharp jolt from behind sent Sunset and her ball careening into a wall, knocking half a dozen pieces of candy corn off. As she shook her head to get her bearings, she saw Spike the Dog dash past, chasing a squirrel. She started rolling again.
As the ball grew larger, she gained more of a sense of her surroundings, and realized she was rolling through the halls of Canterlot High. The faceless titans around her were her friends and classmates and teachers. With the ball growing larger, she started picking up things that had more personal, sentimental value: butterflies, which reminded her of Fluttershy; balloons, which reminded her of Pinkie Pie; diamond hairclips that reminded her of Rarity, row after row of apples for Applejack, sports trophies for Rainbow Dash, and books and nerd glasses for Twilight Sparkle. She smiled as she rolled up several Camp Everfree shirts which were hanging in the middle of the hall for some reason. She laughed as she collected movie posters from Daring Do.
In the music room, she added the Rainbooms' instruments to her collection. By now, the ball was large enough that the students in the hallways were taking notice of it and starting to edge out of its way. At some point, Spike got stuck to it, but he didn't seem to mind; he kept wagging his tail and barking happily.
Sunset saw the Dazzlings walking down the hall. She grinned as an evil thought crossed her mind. Putting all her might into it, she sent the ball rolling straight for them. They barely had time to react to the massive ball of stuff bearing down on them before they were rolled over and stuck to its surface, flailing and yelling and shouting. The ball wobbled as it rolled on, heedless of Adagio's tantrum but put off balance by her massive hair.
She rolled up her old bad-girl outfit, then the girls' dresses from the Fall Formal where she met her match in Princess Twilight. She rolled up Juniper Montage and Wallflower Blush. She rolled up Trixie. She even rolled up Derpy, who giggled enthusiastically.
Before long, the ball was too big to get through the hallways easily, especially since every time she hit a teenager, they got stuck to it. She headed for the front entrance and, with difficulty, rammed the ball through the front doors. Once loose outside the school, she rolled up more teens who were wandering around outside. She saw her friends gathered by the horse statue, and rolled them up too, along with the statue itself. She rolled out into the student parking lot and rolled up Flash Sentry's car, then Big Mac's truck, then Fluttershy's car. She rolled up the beat-up old school bus the Rainbooms had worked hard to refurbish into a tour bus. She rolled up Vinyl Scratch's transforming bass cannon convertible.
And on and on Sunset and her sticky ball of death rolled, picking up all the people, places, and things that made up her familiar, comfortable world, every fragment of memory she shared with her friends. Soon, Canterlot High itself was stuck to the ball, and she was halfway to Crystal Prep, intent on rolling that up into her collection too. By the time she got within rolling distance, though, a loud, blaring siren cut through the music, distracting her from the rolling...
A gong crashed somewhere high above.
Sunset blinked as she picked herself up off the floor. She'd rolled off her bed, tangled up in her blankets. Her alarm was blaring insistently. Her Switch slowly tipped off the edge of the bed; she scrambled to catch it before it hit the floor, and in so doing woke it from sleep mode. The colorful intro to Katamari Reroll filled the screen.
Shaking her head and laughing, Sunset put the game console back up on her bed, then untangled herself from her sheets. "Okay, okay, no more late night gaming," she said to herself as she rubbed the feeling back into her legs and got up to get ready to face the day, idly humming the same song from her dream.
The Rainbooms and the Shadowbolts conspired, early during winter break, to throw the biggest interscholastic New Year's Eve party Canterlot City had ever seen. After the ball dropped, an ever-expanding group of friends sat around a pair of pushed-together tables littered with the wreckage of massive snackage, taking a break from all the dancing and laughing and general commotion.
"Man, this was a blast!" Lemon Zest said cheerfully, rocking back and forth in the cheap plastic chair she was straddling backwards.
"You said it," Rainbow Dash said, letting out a tremendous belch as she patted her ballooning belly.
"So, what are everyone's New Year's resolutions?" Rarity asked as she examined her fingernails.
"Pssh, why bother makin' 'em?" Indigo Zap scoffed. "It's not like anybody ever keeps those."
"The entire point of a New Year's resolution is to acknowledge your awareness of a personal shortcoming," Sugarcoat said as she refilled her empty soda cup. "It doesn't matter whether you keep it or not, it's about admitting you're aware of something about yourself that needs improvement."
"But then if you're aware you've got shortcomings you need to work on, then you make a resolution to do that, and then you never do...then what's the point?" Twilight Sparkle wondered. "I mean, it's like you're saying you're okay with being flawed."
"Well...yeah," Sunset Shimmer said, toying with a paper napkin. "I mean, our flaws are part of who we are. Sure, you can work on things that maybe aren't so great about yourself, but...people aren't meant to be perfect. That's why we have friends. Our friends make up for our flaws, and we make up for theirs!" She gestured at Fluttershy. "Take Fluttershy, for example. She's painfully shy and self-conscious, has trouble speaking up for herself. But she's friends with Rainbow Dash, who's loud, outgoing, and has an out of control ego."
"HEY!" Rainbow Dash cried.
"I see what you're saying," Wallflower Blush said. "They balance each other out!"
"Something like that, yeah," Sunset said.
Fluttershy blinked. "I...never thought of it like that," she said softly.
"Still," Sunny Flare put in, "if you know you could stand to improve certain things about yourself, shouldn't you make the effort? Simply accepting your faults and doing nothing to correct them seems indifferent and lazy."
"So what would you change?" Applejack challenged.
Sunny Flare blinked, caught off-guard. "W-well," she stammered. "I mean, I..." She cast about lamely, looking into the expectant sea of faces around her. Coughing, she said, "I...well...I suppose I'd resolve to finally have a certain...a certain mole removed."
The others stared at her flatly.
"A mole," Rarity said in a tone as dry as the desert.
"Yes," Sunny Flare said, lifting her chin defiantly. "A mole."
"Your big New Year's resolution is to have a mole removed," Sunset Shimmer said.
"Well—it is a flaw!" Sunny Flare defended hotly.
"Uh-huh," Sunset said, folding her arms. "And just where is this alleged mole?"
Sunny Flare's face turned beet red, and she looked away. "Umm."
Lemon Zest grinned. "Oh, you mean that mole!"
"LEMON ZEST!"
"Oh, now I gotta know," Rainbow Dash said, leaning forward and grinning.
"Lemon Zest, so help me—"
"It's on her PUSSY!" Lemon Zest declared boldly, tipping her chair over backward and giggling. Sunny Flare let out a banshee wail of fury and tackled her; both girls went down with a crash, with Lemon's shrieking laughter exploding from under the table.
"It really is," Sugarcoat said idly, one cheek propped against an open hand as she twirled her straw around in her cup. "Directly on her labia."
"Yikes," Sunset said.
"Oh my," Fluttershy said, beet red, covering her face with her hands. Then she started giggling. "Oh, s-sorry, but...that's actually...kinda funny..."
"It kind of is, yeah," Indigo Zap agreed, sniggering.
Sunny emerged, flouncing her hair and straightening her clothing, and resumed her seat with as prim and unruffled an air as she could manage. "Well then, Indigo, perhaps you could tell us your resolution?" she said stiffly.
Indigo shrugged. "Get my grades up," she said.
"Yeah, I hear ya there," Rainbow said. "I mean, my grades aren't bad, but they could be better, y'know? Besides, I wanna get good scholarships an' the best ones want you to have good grades on top of good skills." She poked Fluttershy in the side. "How 'bout you, Shy? Same as usual?"
"Huh? Oh...hmm." Fluttershy frowned pensively. "Actually? I think this year I'll resolve to put in a little more time exercising." She looked down at her tummy. "I'm getting a little chubby."
The others gawked at her. "Bullshit," Indigo said. "You've got a bikini model body if I've ever seen one!"
Fluttershy blushed. "W-well, maybe," she said, "but I do eat an ice cream sundae every day and lately I haven't been, well...active enough to burn it off. It's not much, but I've gained some weight."
"In your tits, maybe," Rainbow said. She shook her head. "Anyone else?"
Wallflower shifted in her seat. "I, umm...I resolve to try harder to stand out and be noticed," she said hesitantly. "To, umm...actually make more of an effort to make friends and get involved with other people."
Sunset reached over and pulled her into a hug. "You're already well on your way," she said. She let Wallflower go, then brushed her fingers through her hair. "Umm...right, I guess I might as well make a resolution." She thought about it for a minute before a guilty expression slipped onto her face. "I guess...the most important thing I can resolve to do is make another trip to Equestria to visit Mom and Dad," she said. "I...haven't seen them in ages." She ducked her head, shamefaced. "Gosh, I don't even know if they'll want to see me..."
A pall of heavy silence fell over the table at that.
"Think Ah'm gonna resolve t' spend more time with Grand Pear," Applejack said. "Ah mean, he did move back t' Canterlot t' get t' know his grandkids an' all."
"I should maybe go up to Holder's Boulder and visit Granny Pie soon," Pinkie Pie said, her usual cheer diminished. "I mean, she's really really old, y'know? I haven't seen her since I was a twinky-winky Pinkie."
"How come?" Twilight asked.
Pinkie sighed. "She doesn't get along with Mom and Dad so much," she said. "She's more like, well...me." She smiled gamely.
"Oh," Twilight said. "Sorry. Ah! Not that...I mean—"
"I know what you mean," Pinkie said. "It's all good." She smiled brightly. "What about you, Twilight? What's your resolution?"
Twilight twiddled her fingers. "W-well..." She ducked her head. "I guess...maybe getting more of a handle on emoji-speak," she said. "I still don't know what half the texts and comments I get from my friends are even saying. It's a little embarrassing and frustrating."
"I resolve to find a proper boyfriend this year," Rarity said. "It simply won't do that the most fabulous girl at CHS is the most notoriously undated girl at CHS."
Everyone looked at Juniper Montage, who blinked. "Huh? Oh, umm..." She toyed nervously with her pigtails. "I...guess I resolve to work to rebuild my uncle's trust in me so I can get my old job back," she said.
"We'll help you however we can," Sunset said with a smile. She looked around the table. "Hmm...who hasn't gone yet?"
"Me, Sour Sweet, and Lemon Zest," Sugarcoat said. "I don't have a New Year's resolution. I'm comfortable with everything about myself."
"Fair enough," Sunset said. "Lemon?"
Lemon Zest tipped her head back in thought. "Hmm..." She shrugged. "Yeah, same as Sugarcoat," she decided. "I mean, we already fixed the main thing we needed to work on, or we wouldn't all be here now, am I right?" She turned to Sour Sweet. "Looks like you're up last."
Sour Sweet wrinkled her nose. "Oh, I just love being put on the spot," she said. She sighed. "I guess...I'm with Rarity," she decided. "Guys just don't want anything to do with me for some weird reason. It'd be nice to have one boyfriend before I graduate." She grimaced. "One that isn't plastic and runs on batteries, anyway."
"WAY too much information, darling," Rarity said.
* * * * *
"So, Sister, what is your New Year's resolution?"
A bleary-eyed Celestia peered into her coffee cup. "Either to cut back on the coffee or to finally actually get myself up to speed on all the magical weirdness at school," she said. She drained the dregs of her coffee, then stood to refill the cup. "There's a portal to another dimension fifty yards from my office. You'd think I'd make it a point to do my homework and finally understand all this crap Sunset Shimmer dragged over here from her world. Yet, every time some new magical weirdness happens, I'm left standing around confused and useless."
"Hmm. Indeed," Luna said with a nod. "I must confess, I've stopped even asking questions and decided it's Sunset Shimmer's problem." She looked into her own coffee cup with a frown. "Between the Friendship Games and Camp Everfree, it's clear that Sunset and her friends don't especially need our help to deal with any magical situations that arise, so the best thing for us to do is stay out of their way when an incident arises."
Celestia sighed. "True," she admitted, "but it still would be nice to at least understand the strange things happening around us." She shrugged. "Anyway, what's your resolution?"
Luna grimaced sourly. "To do something about my abysmal lack of a love life," she said. "I can't even remember the last time I went on a date, let alone the last time I had sex. I swear I'm growing cobwebs down there."
Celestia laughed ruefully. "I know what you mean. You'd think two attractive women our age would have no trouble whatsoever getting laid," she lamented. "Especially since we run a freaking high school with hundreds of hormonal teenage boys!"
Luna shot her a scathing look. "Alright, two things. One: Nobody has forgotten that time you had a gentleman caller in your office."
Celestia winced.
"Two," Luna continued, "you just suggested something highly illegal and inappropriate."
Celestia made a 'pssh' sound and waved a hand airily. "Oh come on!" she cried. "I mean, when it's a teenage boy getting it on with a hot older teacher, that's not a crime, it's...it's bragging rights!"
Luna folded her arms and gave Celestia a glare that could cut steel.
"It's a victimless crime!" Celestia ranted, throwing up her arms. "Besides, it's not like you've never thought about it!"
Luna coughed and shuffled awkwardly, tugging at the hem of her blouse, studiously avoiding Celestia's eyes. Celestia smirked.
"Dude, are you loco? The Turquoise Album kicks! Don't be a hater!"
"I'm just sayin', it's a total no-effort. They've gone platinum how many times and they're putting out a wedding band album? A really boring one made up of songs our folks liked when they were kids? I mean, what the hell?"
"Man, whatever. The Orange Album is coming out next month. Two albums in one year and you're bitching about it why?"
"One album and a joke, you mean."
Twilight Sparkle shook her head in confusion and pushed her way into the music room where her friends were getting ready for practice. "Girls? What's the 'Turquoise Album' and why are so many people fighting about it?"
Rainbow Dash looked up from tuning her guitar. "Oh, you mean that Kopher album that came out a couple weeks ago?" She shrugged. "It's Kopher, people are gonna bitch about anything they do."
"Wait, I'm confused," Fluttershy said. "I thought Kopher's next album was the Orange Album, I hadn't heard of a Turquoise Album."
"Yeah, it wasn't promoted or even announced," Rainbow said. "They just dropped it outta nowhere. It's a cover album."
Fluttershy blinked. "Kopher did a cover album?"
"Yeah." Rainbow adjusted her guitar. "It's a'ight. Some pretty good covers actually. But a lot of people are pissed because it's an Internet meme that got taken too far, or acting like Kopher is just making a blatant cash grab off a lazy album any wedding band could've put out."
"Well it is kind of a lazy album," Sunset Shimmer said. "It's not bad, but it's a little...no effort?" She shrugged. "Not that I'm complaining. They're good songs, Kopher does good covers of them, and it's cheap." She played a riff. "And the Orange Album is still coming out next month, so it's not like the Turquoise Album is doing anybody any harm...it's not worth all the drama."
"Eh, you know Kopher fans," Pinkie Pie said. "So many out there who say if it isn't the Pale Heliotrope Album, it sucks."
Twilight clutched her head, shaking it vigorously and squeezing her eyes shut. "Turquoise Album, Orange Album, Pale Heliotrope Album...just...what? I don't understand any of this!"
Sunset played a slide on her guitar and bit her lip in thought. "Okay, do you at least know who Kopher is?" Twilight shook her head. "Okay, well, they're a rock band that's been around for about...I think twenty-five years now? They blew up with that song about the sweater, I think."
"They have a crazy habit of releasing self-titled albums with different color covers," Pinkie explained. "So that the fans identify their albums by color."
"It's a joke kinda thing," Applejack picked up. "Seein' as a lotta bands do it for serious-like, though most'a th' bands that do that are riffin' off th' first band what did it."
"The Staggs and their famous Beige Album," Rarity put in.
"Okay now them I've heard of," Twilight said.
"Right, well, the Beige Album was their what, sixth or seventh album? Something like that," Rarity continued. "For whatever reason, they decided to forego any title or cover art on that one album and simply name it 'The Staggs', with a plain beige cover."
"It became one of their best-selling albums ever," Rainbow said. "A legendary album that changed music for the next decade! But the cover and the lack of a title made people start calling it 'The Beige Album', and it stuck."
"Then a couple of decades later, a heavy metal band that already had a few albums out decided to do the same thing, only with a brown album cover," Fluttershy said. "Naturally, everybody started calling that 'The Brown Album'."
"And that opened the floodgates," Rainbow said. "It started becoming the 'in' thing to do to have a no-title album that people called by its color."
"Enter Kopher," Sunset said. "Their first album was self-titled, which is normal for most bands, but it had a plain purple cover."
"Nobody thought anything of it at first," Rainbow said. "Their second album was pretty normal for titles and album art. But then the third album came out." She played a brief riff. "The Pale Heliotrope Album."
"Then they put out two regular albums," Fluttershy said, "and then just so nobody forgot they liked making fun of things like that, they put out the Magenta Album."
"It's turned into their thing," Rarity said with an eyeroll. "Every third Kopher album is another color album. Only this year they're doing two apparently, because the Turquoise Album literally came out of nowhere."
"This is making me dizzy," Twilight complained, plopping onto a stool.
"Anyway, yeah, a lot of people are butthurt over the Turquoise Album," Rainbow said with a roll of her eyes. "Especially stuck-up music critics. They're taking it way too seriously, I've seen some of the reviews and they're so retarded."
"Well it's to be expected when a nearly thirty year old multi-platinum internationally famous band suddenly puts out a cover album," Rarity noted.
"It doesn't help that the whole thing is because of a Twitter meme," Sunset added.
Twilight blinked. "Wait, what?"
"Oh yeah," Rainbow said, chuckling. "Some dude on Twitter poked the band and challenged them to cover some sleepy old song from the 80s, and then they went and did it and put it on EweTube. Then people started asking for more covers, and Kopher just decided to go ahead and do it."
"And now people are complaining about it?"
"Yep."
Twilight shook her head. "I'll never understand people..."
Pinkie Pie knocked gently on the bedroom door farthest down the hall. The Pie Sisters' house was deathly quiet. "Marble?" she called.
No response.
Pinkie gently opened the door, pushing it quietly open. The acrid smell of body odor washed over her, making her nose wrinkle. The curtains were drawn; with the gloomy grey clouds outside, the only thing shedding any light in the dim room was the 32-inch smart TV in the corner, which was muted and had some decades-old sitcom playing on it.
Pinkie flicked the light switch by the door. Two LED lamps in beige wall sconces lit up, shedding a medium glow over the drably decorated room. The floor was littered with pieces of paper plates. A tangle of gnarled, gnawed blankets in a straw basket in the opposite corner shifted; a short-horned head emerged, sniffed the air, and let out a brief, high-pitched warbling yell before slurping up a mostly-eaten paper plate with a long tongue and retreating into its nest.
Pinkie sighed, shaking her head as she looked around at the mess. "Oy," she muttered. She gingerly picked her way across to the bed, where a slight figure was huddled under a drab grey blanket. The top drawer on the bedside table was half open, with the top of a box of cheese crackers peeking out. A tumble of boxes of animal crackers littered the bottom of the drawer. A half-empty water bottle and a half-empty soda bottle stood on the bedside table, amid a collection of pill bottles and a bottle of cold medicine which was almost completely empty.
Shaking her head, Pinkie pulled back the blanket, revealing a messy, greasy mane of straight grey hair. "Marble?" she asked. "Did you eat your supper or did you just give it to the goat again?"
"Ate a bite," Marble said. "It's cold, can you let me sleep?"
"Did you take your medicine?"
"Is it time?" Marble asked sleepily, shuffling around.
"It's seven thirty," Pinkie said.
"Oh." Marble shuffled around more, then sat up, curling in on herself. "My tummy hurts."
"That's because you're not eating right," Pinkie said. "Do you think you can come downstairs and eat breakfast?"
Marble thought about it for a minute, then shook her head.
"Do you think you can maybe take a shower?" Pinkie asked.
Marble huddled her blanket more firmly around herself. "Later," she said. "Too tired."
Pinkie sighed and rubbed the bridge of her nose. "What do you want for breakfast?" she asked.
"Croissant sandwich?" Marble asked tentatively.
"Will you actually eat it yourself and not just take half a bite and dump it for the goat?"
"I'll eat it," Marble promised.
"Good, because those are expensive," Pinkie said. She sighed. "Alright, I'll go make you one and bring you some fresh OJ to take your meds with, okay?"
"Okay," Marble said. Before Pinkie was to the door, she had already completely disappeared into her blanket again. Pinkie sighed.
* * * * *
When lunchtime arrived at CHS, the Rainbooms gathered at their usual table. Pinkie Pie, her hair limp and lifeless, set down a tray with half as much food as usual on it, dropped into her chair, then rummaged through her bag, pulling out a number of pill bottles. She shook out a small handful of brightly-colored pills, packed away the bottles again, then uncapped her water and swallowed the lot.
Twilight Sparkle frowned. "That's an awful lot of medicine," she said. "Are you sick?"
Pinkie shook her head. "It's my stabilizers," she said. "I usually only need two and I take those at home, but right now I'm kind of in a bad place, so I'm taking the ones I usually don't need."
The others blinked at that. "Wait, you?!" Rainbow Dash cried. "I mean, you're always kind of a little cuckoo, but really?"
"Rainbow Dash! Honestly," Rarity chided harshly.
Pinkie smiled. "I know what she meant," she said. "Besides, Rainbow can be kind of a dum-dum, so it doesn't bother me."
"Hey!"
Fluttershy frowned. "So you really are bipolar? I've always kind of wondered."
Pinkie sighed. "Well, more or less. It's complicated. I don't really get depressive episodes so much myself, mostly just the hypomania."
"The hypomania's no surprise," Sunset said with a gentle smile. "To anybody that knows you."
"Heheh...yeah," Pinkie said with a self-deprecating grin. She started picking at her food with her fork. "Thing is..." She frowned. "Things aren't so good at home right now, and it's kind of getting to me."
"What's wrong?" Rainbow asked. "Anything we can help with?"
Pinkie bit her lip. "Can...we talk about it later?" she asked. "Maybe in the band room? Where nobody can listen in?"
The others looked around worriedly. "Sure," Sunset said soothingly, smiling gently. "Whatever you want."
"Thanks," Pinkie said. She ate her lunch with less than her usual enthusiasm. Her friends watched her with concern.
* * * * *
Marble Pie sat in a tub of cooling water, knees drawn up to her chest. She stared listlessly at the stainless steel faucet, at the rubber drain plug, at the drab gray washcloth she'd let sink to the bottom of the tub. Once the water had long since turned cold and her fingers had pruned up, Marble got out of the tub, dried herself off, and padded back to her bedroom, where she put on a clean set of pajamas and crawled back into bed. She picked up her phone and opened up a mobile game she didn't care much about, listlessly plodding away at it until her battery was low. Sighing, she turned it off and put the phone on the charger, then rolled over onto her back and stared at the ceiling.
"Baaaaaa." A white snout peeked over the edge of the bed and poked at her hand, a long, wet tongue licking her fingers insistently. Marble reached over and gave the goat's head a rub.
"Hi Beezie," she said. She sighed. "You need to go outside, huh?"
"Baaaaaaa."
"Oh, alright." Groaning, Marble got out of bed, shuffled into her slippers, and led Beezie downstairs and to the back door.
* * * * *
The Rainbooms gathered in their usual practice room. Once the girls were all inside, Twilight Sparkle carefully locked the door, then took a seat by the wall. Pinkie Pie sat behind the drum kit, but instead of drumsticks, she had her phone out and was texting. A mild frown creased her brow. Once the girls had all seated themselves, Pinkie put her phone away with a sigh. "Hey girls," she said tiredly.
"Goodness, darling! You look positively miserable," Rarity said.
"Alright, sugarcube, spill them beans," Applejack said. "Ah can't take no more'a you mopin' around like a fox that just watched th' chicken farmer move away."
Pinkie put her phone away and folded her hands in her lap. "It's...it's my sister," she said. "She's having a really bad episode."
"Maud?" Sunset asked.
"No, not Maud," Pinkie said.
"Oh, you mean the bitchy one?" Rainbow asked.
"No, not Limestone."
The other girls looked at each other in confusion. "Umm...aren't they like, your only sisters?" Sunset asked.
Pinkie sighed. "It's...my twin sister Marble."
The girls blinked in unison. "Wait, what?" Rainbow asked. "Your twin sister?"
"I had no idea you had a twin sister, darling!" Rarity said.
"Yeah..." Pinkie sighed. "She doesn't...really like meeting new people. I..." She bit her lip. "It's not like I've been trying to keep her secret or anything, it's just that she's, well...she's a touchy subject and talking about her makes me sad, so I just...kinda don't."
"Goodness," Fluttershy said. "What's wrong with her? Is she sick?" She wrung her hands. "Is she...is she dying?"
"It's nothing like that," Pinkie said softly. "It's just, she's suffered from severe depression for years. It's..." She absently drummed her fingers on the rim of her snare drum. "Well, she's a shut-in, basically." She sighed. "She has her good days and her bad days. On her good days, she'll feed herself, spend time with me and Maud and Limestone without us having to beg her, even do little chores around the house. Then..." Her hair deflated visibly. "Then there are her bad days, like basically this whole week."
"What...what are her bad days like?" Twilight asked, worrying fretfully at the hem of her skirt.
"On her bad days, she won't even get out of bed," Pinkie said. "She hurts all over and she's so tired and weak she can't even bathe herself. We bring her meals up to her but we can't trust her to actually eat them because she just doesn't feel like it, so we make sure she has boxes of snacks and drinks by the bed in case she gets really hungry. About the only thing that can get her out of bed when she's like this is if she needs the toilet." She grimaced. "Well, sometimes she lets Beezie out in the backyard, but that's about it."
"Beezie?" Sunset asked.
"Her pet goat," Pinkie said. "We got him as a therapy animal. I know, it's weird, a goat and not a dog or a cat or something, but it's what she wanted, and at least Beezie takes care of everything Marble doesn't eat." She shrugged.
"What kind of name is Beezie for a goat?" Rainbow wondered.
Twilight pushed her glasses up. "It's short for 'bezoar', right? It's both a species of goat and the word for a stone taken from a ruminant's stomach that was once thought to be an antidote for most poisons."
"Yeah," Pinkie said with a fond smile. "Maud came up with the name. Marble loves it."
"A pet goat sounds so adorable," Fluttershy said.
"Y'all do know goats shit all over everywhere, right?" Applejack asked. "An' goat shit's pretty dang ripe."
"Yyyyeah, that's why my room is downstairs now," Pinkie said. "Since I'm the only one who ever has company over and it's easier to keep Beezie's stinky-stink contained upstairs."
"So she's your twin sister, huh?" Rainbow asked. "Is she like, homeschooled then?"
Pinkie shook her head. "We tried that for a bit, but it wasn't really working. We just kinda leave her alone and let her do her own thing." She sighed. "Taking care of her is a real strain on all of us, especially ever since Mom and Dad left. Limestone works hard, Maud's got her part-time job, I've got mine..." She shrugged. "It's just easier to let her be. Especially since she's never left the house under her own power, not ever."
Twilight frowned, adjusting her glasses. "I'm sorry, but...it almost sounds as if your sister should be in an institution, with nurses and staff taking care of her? And not left alone at home all day with a goat?"
"We've...had a lot of fights about that at home," Pinkie said tiredly. "If we put her in a nursing home, it'd drain our finances. But if we had her committed..." She shook her head. "None of us want that. It'd be like admitting we give up on her, and none of us are...are ready for that." She bowed her head. "I mean, there's all kinds of medicine we haven't tried yet for her, and new stuff that comes out all the time...sooner or later something's gotta work, right? She can't just..." She sniffled. "She's my baby sister," she said, her voice thick and choked. "I can't just give her to some s-strangers and—and s-say she's—she's their problem..." Her voice dissolved into choked sobs as she buried her face in her hands.
Fluttershy rushed over to her and swept her up in a hug, tears gathering in her own eyes. "You poor thing," she said. "We had no idea..."
"Wait, so..." Sunset frowned. "Your mom and dad just went and left you girls all alone in Canterlot? With that going on? Left three teenage girls to take care of a shut-in who can't even feed herself?"
"Sunset!" Rarity hissed. "Have some sympathy!"
"I do, I do!" Sunset said. "It's just—it doesn't check, something's not right here."
Pinkie wiped her eyes and blew her nose. "They only moved to the city in the first place because of me and Marble," she said. "I mean, Limestone and Maud have their own mental health problems, but Mom and Dad didn't really understand that, but then Mom had a really rough pregnancy with me and Marble, and..." She wrung her hands. "W-well, by the time we were about five, our sisters realized we needed..." She hiccuped and sniffled. "Needed medicine and—and understanding, not Amish discipline."
"Ouch," Sunset said with a wince that was shared by the others.
"But they've never been comfortable in the city," Pinkie said, sniffling. "And Dad and Limestone have been fighting for years over Marble, because—because Dad never really understood how bad off she is, kept trying to make her do things. So when Limestone got graduated and started working, Dad decided it was time for him and Mom to go back and leave us to fend for ourselves."
"That's positively criminal!" Rarity gasped.
"Oh, they left plenty of money, they don't need it where they are now," Pinkie said. "And they never spent more than they had to in the first place. It's just..." She sighed. "They can't really handle city life, but I'm a city girl, Maud prefers it here, and Marble, well..." She shook her head and sniffled. "She'd never make it on the farm."
"B-but still—!"
"Maybe we should, umm, not talk about all of Pinkie's family drama right now?" Fluttershy suggested. "She's already upset and sad, and this isn't helping."
"No, it's—it's okay," Pinkie said with a sniffle and a sad smile. "Actually, it does kinda help to talk about this stuff with somebody other than my therapist."
"You have a therapist?" Rainbow asked in disbelief.
"Well of course I do, Dashie," Pinkie said with a roll of her eyes. "I mean, duh!"
"Well it's just—I mean—" Rainbow stammered. "No offense, but when I think of 'Pinkie Pie' and 'therapist', it's usually more like, 'I spent the day with Pinkie Pie and now I need a therapist'!"
"Rainbow Dash!" Rarity cried indignantly.
"Oh my GOSH, Rainbow!" Twilight yelled.
Pinkie, however, giggled and doubled over, clutching her tummy. "Heeheehee, good one, Dashie!" she snorted. "Hahahaha...th-thanks..." She wiped tears from her eyes. "I needed that," she said sincerely, giving her friend a sad smile.
"But why didn't you talk to any of us about this stuff before?" Sunset asked. "We're your friends, you know we're always here for you, right?"
"I know," Pinkie said, calming down. "And it's not like—I mean, it's—" She took a moment to collect herself. "It's just that what's going on with my family is stuff nobody can really do anything about and I know you'd all want to try to help and you'd want to meet Marble, but that...really wouldn't help, and all it'd do is make you girls sad like me." She looked down at her drums. "I want to see my friends smile, and that...wouldn't make anybody smile."
A sober silence fell over the group.
"Hey," Rainbow said. "If you ever need to talk about this stuff again, we're all here for you. Right, girls?"
"Absolutely," Applejack said.
"Of course, darling."
"You know it," Sunset said. The others agreed.
Pinkie smiled. "Thanks, girls. Really." She wiped her eyes one last time. "Listen, I'm...I'm gonna head home early, okay? I wanna check on Marble."
"Sure thing," Sunset said. "Let us know if you need anything, okay?"
"Thanks, I will."
* * * * *
When Pinkie got home, she found all the curtains drawn and the kitchen and living room lights on. She walked into the kitchen and found Marble sitting at the kitchen table, eating a bowl of ice cream with whipped cream and chocolate sauce. Marble looked up, blinked, and slunk down in her seat.
"Hi Marble! You decided to get up, huh?"
"M—mm-hmm," Marble murmured.
Pinkie walked over and bent down, wrapping her sister in a hug. Marble stiffened, but relaxed into her hug. "I'm glad to see you up," Pinkie said. "Mind if I join you?"
"Mm-hmm," Marble mumbled, pointing at the chair across from her with her spoon.
Pinkie made herself a sundae and sat down. "Feeling better today?"
"Mmm..." Marble shrugged, gesturing vaguely with her spoon.
"Did you eat breakfast?"
"Mm-hmm."
"I see you took a bath."
"Mm-hmm."
"Did you eat lunch?"
"Mm-mm."
"Did you take Beezie out?"
"Mm-hmm."
"Good." Pinkie ate ice cream in silence for a minute. "It's just gonna be us tonight," she said. "Limestone's gotta work late and Maud has a date."
"Okay." Marble bit her lip. "You're friends with Shimmercode, right?"
Pinkie blinked. "Shimmerco—oh, you mean Sunset Shimmer? Yeah, why?"
Marble poked her fingertips together. "Can—can you find out what game she's streaming tonight?" she asked meekly.
"Sure, I can text and ask," Pinkie said with a shrug. "Why?"
Marble blushed. "I was kind of hoping she'd be streaming something with online play," she said. "Maybe something I could—?"
Pinkie's eyes lit up, and a happy smile blossomed on her face.
The Self-Study Room at CHS had, over the school's long history, become something of an unofficial student lounge. Available to all students during free periods, lunch, and after school electives, largely unsupervised, the Self-Study Room was a popular place for kids to get together and hang out during school hours. Kids were encouraged to use it for actual study, but as long as they behaved and didn't grossly violate school rules, the faculty didn't much care what the students chose to use it for.
A few weeks into the start of the year, the Student Council successfully lobbied to have a school Streamflix account set up for the Self-Study Room. For a while, this caused a bit of chaos and conflict, and the privilege was very nearly revoked as kids fought over what to put on in the room at any given time.
And then, a curious thing happened:
Someone decided to start a Star Trek binge.
"So let me get this straight," Rainbow Dash said. "This is a transporter accident...and a holodeck accident...in the same episode."
"It...kinda makes sense if you don't think about it too hard?" Twilight said. "I mean, the holodecks and the transporters use a lot of the same systems..."
It had started with the geek club watching the movies—the original movies, not the reboots. At some point, one of the drama club members had taken an interest and asked questions, which led to a whole week of episodes of the original series.
After that, it just kind of...kept going. Wandering through all five core series without rhyme or reason, with kids coming in, plopping down, watching, discussing, and debating.
"Okay but like, I mean..." Rainbow gesticulated. "It's like every three episodes it's either a transporter malfunction or a holodeck malfunction, and now they're goin' whole hog and havin' both at the same time? Hello! That's so lazy!"
"It is NOT!" Twilight retorted. "W-well...okay, I guess maybe it's kinda lazy? But the malfunction episodes don't happen that often, really..."
"You're missing the point entirely," Octavia Melody said. "Yes, it's a tired plot device, but it's being used to engineer a situation where the cast can perform an homage to James Bond that allows some of the main characters to be potentially murderous villains while retaining the dramatic suspension that a major character could very well die in the process."
"Like the time the holodeck made a bunch of evil gunfighter Datas?"
"Precisely."
"I don't get why they do so many of these Star-Trek-as-something-else shows," a girl with bobbed blueberry hair and a yellow and pink top and skirt said. "I mean, they're in freaking outer space, why do they need to do a James Bond story?"
"Because it's relatable and something that's also popular with their audience," Octavia said. "It's also a way for a writer to essentially publish a work of that genre when they'd never get a chance otherwise."
"Makes sense," Rainbow said. "If you wanna write a Bond movie but you know it's never gonna happen, write a Bond episode of Star Trek and hope it gets made."
"Well I prefer the original series and Next Generation and their take on classical literature," Watermelody said as she sketched in her sketchpad. "We had two series that used Shakespeare and Moby Dick and things like that extensively to explore the human condition, and then you get DS9 and the only real classical works it draws from are the Bible and Les Mis, and the rest of the time it's kitschy Sixties spy stuff, Fifties racism, or that stupid lounge singer. And then Voyager couldn't be bothered to have even that much class!"
"Hey, the original did kitschy spy stuff too," Twilight pointed out. "And it did it in the Sixties!"
"Next Gen is my favorite," Micro Chips said. "But objectively speaking? DS9 is the best of all five series."
Several others blinked at him. "How's that now?" Twilight asked.
"How can one show be your favorite but another be th' best?" Applejack asked, head tilted.
Micro Chips shrugged. "The crew of the Enterprise-D were kind of the first friends I had," he said. "I used to dream about going on adventures with them and doing all the cool sciencey stuff with Geordi and Data. I'd sit up all night trying to figure out how to invent replicators and holodecks and stuff." He pushed up his glasses. "But TNG's got a lot of problems with it, especially in the first two and last seasons."
"Ugh, yeah," Twilight said. "Season one had some just plain insulting episodes, and season two—didn't it happen during a writing guild strike?"
"Yeah, and you can tell," Micro Chips said. "But then in season three the quality picked up and TNG became one of the best things on TV. Season five especially had two of my personal favorite episodes."
"Let me guess," Twilight said. "'Darmok' and 'The Inner Light'?"
"Sokath, his eyes open!" Micro Chips said. Twilight giggled.
Rainbow facepalmed. "Temarc," she said. "The river Temarc, in wi—" She broke off, eyes wide. "Oh my god, I'm an egghead," she moaned.
"Ah still don't git that episode," Applejack said.
"That's because you only understand countryisms," Rainbow said, sticking her tongue out.
"HEY!" Applejack cried. Then, she paused. "Okay, it's true," she admitted.
Rainbow's phone chimed. "And now I gotta go," she said. "Dang it, I've never seen how this one ends!" She sighed and gathered up her stuff. "Ah well. Mirab!"
Twilight snickered as Rainbow left. "She's such a nerd," she said. She glanced over to Chips. "So, I get what you're saying about all TNG's problems, but what makes you say DS9 is the best of the series?"
"There's a lot of things," Micro Chips said. "I guess the main thing is that it spent so much time and effort developing its characters, moreso than any other Trek series. Everyone on the show really feels like a person, even the ones who are just barely there." He paused thoughtfully. "Also, it's like...it showed us more, you know? It took bits and pieces of the Trek universe that were just barely touched on elsewhere and showed us more. Especially the Bajorans, the Cardassians, and the Ferengi."
"Ugh, the Ferengi," Octavia said. "Obnoxious, backwards, moneygrubbing little trolls."
"Yeah, but Ferengi-based episodes are actually kinda fun in DS9," Twilight said. "Especially since DS9 basically fixed everything wrong with them from TNG."
"And not only did every major Ferengi character in DS9 grow exponentially over the course of the series," Chips said, "the entire Ferengi society evolved. Look how much the Ferengi changed by the end of DS9!"
"Weirdest. Women's lib. Ever," Octavia said flatly.
"Now that you mention it, DS9 handled homosexuality and gender fluidity way better than TNG ever did," Lyra said.
"Plus, we love the shipping in DS9 more," Bon Bon added, squeezing Lyra's hand.
"But the most important part is that DS9 holds a consistent level of quality from start to end," Chips continued. "Sure, it had some weak episodes and the ending was honestly a little rushed, but on the whole, all seven seasons had consistently strong writing and production quality, on par with TNG seasons four and five."
Everyone mulled that over. "Can't really argue that," Twilight said. "I haven't actually seen a DS9 episode I outright hated."
"There are...some," Vinyl Scratch said as she bobbed her head to a beat coming from one earbud while listening to the room at large with the other ear. "The Mirrorverse episodes get kinda old after a while."
"Oh yeah, DS9 spends way too much time in the Mirrorverse," Twilight said with a grimace. "I kinda forgot about that."
"Mirrorverse?" Pinkie Pie piped up. "You mean that one episode where the good guys were all bad guys and Spock had a beard?" She put on a fake pointy beard for emphasis. Nobody bothered asking where the beard came from.
"Yeah," Micro Chips said. "TNG never revisited the concept, not after all the criticism the first two seasons got for recycling old Star Trek plots, but there were some official novels that had the TNG crew go there. DS9, though, had several Mirrorverse episodes, and built it up into this whole huge alternate-reality soap opera."
"The only reason I don't like DS9 is it spends too much time sitting around on a space station and way too many episodes are about racism, religion, and PTSD," Flash Sentry said.
"There are those who would argue that those are the show's strengths," Octavia said. "If you think about it, most of the time we're never even told why two factions in Star Trek hate each other, they just do. A lot of episodes go on for a solid half hour about a race we'll never see again, but TNG told us very little about the Cardassians. In DS9, we learned almost everything there is to know about them, as well as the Ferengi and several other species."
"That's a good point," Flash conceded. "Plus, the Dominion were way better villains than the freaking tree-heads."
"Oh god, the tree-heads," Bon Bon groaned. "They're why we stopped watching Voyager."
"Tree-heads?" Applejack asked, quirking an eyebrow.
"The Kazon," Micro Chips said. "They were introduced as the first major villains in Voyager. They're..." He fidgeted with his glasses. "Well, they're nomadic barbarians who are divided up into different sects and have technology that's two centuries out of date. The only reason they ever pose a threat is because of how heavily they outnumber Voyager, Voyager's lack of repair facilities, and the Kazon being really aggressive." He shrugged. "Basically they were supposed to be the new Klingons except they're really boring and have trees on their heads."
"Reaching Borg Space was the best thing that ever happened to Voyager," Twilight said. "Soon as they got to the Borg, the Kazon disappeared."
"I honestly didn't watch Voyager," Sunset Shimmer said. "Heard too many bad things about it."
Micro Chips raised a hand, index finger pointed upward. "Voyager is..." He paused, then put his hand down, his jaw working silently for a minute. "Voyager's a really mixed bag," he decided. "It doesn't deserve the hate it gets, and a lot of it is, well..." He looked around the room and gulped.
"Blatant misogyny," Twilight said sourly. "First against Janeway, then later against Seven of Nine."
"To be fair, the producers set themselves up for that with Seven," Chips said. "I mean, they added her for blatant sex appeal, it was bound to backfire somewhere."
"Honestly, Voyager lost me somewhere between Tuvok and Neelix getting fused together and Janeway and Paris turning into lizards and having babies," Flash said. "Whoogh."
"Voyager..." Twilight pursed her lips. "Voyager had a lot of really good ideas and a lot of really bad ideas. And some of the good ideas weren't really handled well."
Chips started ticking off points on his fingers. "Janeway is often criticized for being too harsh and arrogant or being too soppy and touchy-feely, then there's the debate on how she treats the Prime Directive like a pinata."
Trixie blew on her bangs. "Puh-leeze. Janeway is every bit the amazing captain Picard is. Perhaps even more so, she's willing to put on a show to resolve a crisis no matter how much it affects her dignity!"
"Pfft. Picard did that more than once."
Trixie lidded her eyes in challenge. "Queen Arachnia. Q in her bathtub."
"...okay, that's fair."
"Wait, what? Who in her where?!" Sunset cried in disbelief.
Chips grimaced. "That's...another bone the fans had to pick. Q's trickster rivalry with Picard changed into something a lot, uhh..." He bit his lip. "Twi? Help me out here?"
Twilight's entire face pinched like she smelled something turdy. "Q basically stalked her like a creep," she said.
"Wow. That's...yikes."
"Yeah, they went to some pretty creepy places with Q in Voyager," Chips said. "Moving on, the next big problem a lot of fans had was Chakotay."
Flash frowned. "Chakotay? What was wrong with him, apart from not having much of a personality to speak of?"
"They basically made him be from every single Native tribe ever," Lyra said in a bored tone. "I remember Dad getting pissed about that because he's a Native culture historian, and they just basically threw a bunch of Native traditions together for Chakotay to follow without bothering to research the tribes."
"I don't know about you all," Watermelody said, "but Neelix got on my nerves. Like, a lot."
"Wuff, yeah," Twilight said. "Neelix was a bad idea all around. Like Jar-Jar."
"Eh, he had his moments," Chips said. "Actually, that sums up a lot of what people think about the Voyager cast. It's not that they're bad characters, it's just that they're just kind of...there. Except for Seven of Nine, nothing about any of them is really anything new."
"Yeah, and Seven's such a raging bitch it's hard to get invested in her character arc."
"My personal problem with Voyager," Twilight said, "is that it relies on too many episodes about anomalies, wormholes, and other vague science-fictioney space weirdness." She twiddled her thumbs. "Voyager did bring some good things to the table, like the Vidiians. The Vidiians were really interesting."
"Eww, the Vidiians," Pinkie complained. "I didn't like them, they're super gross."
"Pinkie!" Twilight snapped. "Shame on you! They couldn't help it! I mean, yeah, they were, but it was part of the tragedy of their race and their fascinating backstory."
"It's hard to have any sympathy for a race of super-gross organ thieves," Pinkie said.
"Wait what now?" Sunset asked.
Twilight took on her lecturing tone. "The Vidiians are a race who have suffered a pandemic called the Phage for over a thousand years. Every Vidiian is born infected, and the disease's effects begin to appear at different times in their lives. The Phage devours and destroys healthy tissues in every organ of the host's body, causing massive organ failure."
"As the crisis grew in their society, Vidiians could no longer live long enough to research cures or wait for help, so they overhauled their entire medical science industry," Chips picked up. "They basically put trying to cure the Phage itself on hold and put all their science into stealing healthy organs and skin from passing aliens and using it to patch themselves up."
"Internal and external organs," Twilight continued. "All replaced with comparable matches, but the grafts and implants would eventually become infected by the Phage as well. As a result, all Vidiians have a diseased, disfigured appearance."
"Oh gross," Sunset said. "And they just...steal body parts from passing aliens?"
"Tissue piracy is their central industry," Chips said.
"Okay now that is a good idea," Sunset said. "I didn't know Voyager had something like that and now I might have to watch it."
"I just can't stand the Doctor," Trixie piped up. "He starts out obnoxious and rude, has the most character episodes in the whole series that focus on him, and at the end of the series he's still obnoxious and rude!"
"Hey, I'll take the rude obnoxious hologram any day over the bland, vague Garak clone Enterprise had," Flash said.
There was a long pause.
"OH MY GOD HE KIND OF WAS, WASN'T HE!?" Lyra erupted, wide-eyed.
"Wow, I'd never even noticed it before," Twilight said, her glasses slipping, "but now that you put it that way, Phlox basically was Garak, just not as well-written!"
"That's pretty much why I left off Enterprise in the first season," Sunset said. "I mean, not specifically, but the characters are just...bland. The writing is bland." She frowned. "It's kind of like, I dunno...they figured they'd let Scott Bakula be Scott Bakula, throw a Vulcan with big tits in the mix, then pad everyone else out with half-developed characters and coast on it." She shook her head. "It almost worked except for the whole Temporal Cold War thing."
"Ugh, that was so unnecessary," Twilight said with a grimace. "Enterprise already had so much to work with! All the First Contacts, the whole history of Starfleet! Why come up with some lame weird story arc nobody wanted or needed that just gummed up the show with garbage?!"
"And then they made it worse with the Xindi," Chips said, frowning. "And the really awkward attempts to explain original series Klingons."
"And all of it done with a really bland cast," Flash said.
"Boy, it's funny how snobby we all get about a bunch of cheesy sci-fi shows that started off as a ham-fisted, cartoony space western with roughly defined characters and no real continuity!" Pinkie Pie said cheerfully.
