Just Girl's Best Friend Talking
Spike the Dog padded into Twilight Sparkle's bedroom, a pensive look on his face. The sun had gone down, the family had eaten dinner, and Twilight was sitting on her bed, not yet changed into her pajamas but dressed in comfortable, casual around-the-house clothes. Spike hopped up onto the bed, sat down on the foot, and looked up at his mistress. "Hey, Twilight?"
Twilight looked up from her book. "Yeah, Spike?"
Spike flicked one ear with a rear leg. "I wanted to ask you something. Something that's been bothering me."
Twilight's face went pale with dread. "Oh no," she moaned. "Fluttershy warned me about this. This, umm...is this about, y'know, your..." She coughed. "Balls?"
"Huh?" Spike tilted his head. "Oh! Nono, I looked that up on the Internet. I'm not happy about it but I kinda get why, and I don't really miss 'em."
"Oh. Whew." Twilight let out a huge sigh of relief. "Okay, so what's up?"
"Why won't any of the girls let me sniff their butts?"
Twilight made a funny choke-splutter sound, her glasses falling askew. "WHAT?!"
Spike flumped down on the mattress. "I tried to sniff Rarity today and she yelled at me," he whined.
"Uh-umm..." Twilight's face burned crimson. "W-well, that's...that's because!"
"Because why?"
"Umm..." Twilight coughed. "Be...cause, well..." She shook her head. "It may be normal canine behavior, but for humans, it...it isn't...a thing. We do."
"Well yeah, I know you don't," Spike said. "But like you just said, it's normal canine behavior. I'm a canine. So why?"
Twilight adjusted her glasses. "W-well..." She coughed into her fist. "It's just...humans, girls especially, are, well...really sensitive about invasion of their personal space. Especially around, umm...certain areas of the body."
Spike raised an eyebrow. "You mean like how you screamed for five minutes straight when Pinkie Pie squeezed your tit that one time!"
"YES! Yes, exactly that!" Twilight stammered.
"But I don't wanna touch it, I just wanna give it a sniff!"
"It's the same thing!" Twilight said. "You just...you don't walk up to a girl and..." She ducked her head. "Smell their butt!"
"But I need to, Twilight!" Spike insisted. "So far the only girl whose anus I've sniffed is yours! I need to sniff the others!"
Twilight yelped, scooting backward on the bed. "Wh-wh-when did you...?" She squeezed her thighs together, her hair beginning to frazzle. "When did you smell my—"
"When you were asleep," Spike said. "A couple days after I started talking."
"Umm...w-well...please don't...ever...do that again," Twilight said, her face a deep red-purple and her irises contracted to pinpricks.
Spike rolled his eyes. "What's the big deal?" he complained. "It's just a butt. You can sniff mine all you want, I won't complain."
"GAH! I don't wanna smell it!" Twilight cried. "It's bad enough I have to smell what comes out of it after I walk you!"
"Yeah, what's up with that, anyway?" Spike asked, shaking his head. "You humans are obsessed with picking up dog turds. Don't you know what turds are for?"
Twilight coughed. "Y-yeah, that one I'll agree with you on," she said. "The laws about picking up after your dog are kinda stupid when leaving it there would be better for the environment, plus it's just really gross having to mess with all that."
Spike snorted. "Sure, it's gross picking mine up, but you and your family put yours in the big water bowl. You don't see me complaining."
"The big...?" Twilight blinked. Her nose crinkled. "Eww, Spike! Don't drink out of the toilet!"
"Aww, but it's got so much more water in it!"
"But it's not a water dish! It's bad to drink out of that! And anyway, you might fall in!"
Spike shrugged. "Dog's gotta do what a dog's gotta do," he said. "Anyway, we're getting off the subject here. You still haven't given me a really good explanation for why I can't sniff the girls' butts."
Twilight dragged her hand down her face. "You just...you just can't," she insisted.
"But why though?"
"AUGH!" Twilight threw up her hands in frustration, pulled out her phone, and called Fluttershy. When Fluttershy picked up, she put her phone on the bed and put it on speaker. "Fluttershy? Spike has a question, and I'm not sure how to give him an answer he'll accept."
//Oh...oh my. Is it about...his balls?//
"No, he's surprisingly okay with that. It's...well...you're on speaker, I'll just let him ask you." She nodded to Spike, who approached the phone and sniffed it curiously.
"Fluttershy?" Spike asked.
//Yes, Spike? Oh, and good evening. Did you have a good day?//
"More or less," Spike said. "Chased a squirrel, barked at the guy who keeps putting stuff in the door, rolled in some leaves. Supper was kinda stale, but Dad gave me scraps off his plate."
"Spike," Twilight hissed. "Get on with it!"
"Oh, right." Spike inched his nose closer to the phone. "Fluttershy, why won't Rarity let me sniff her butt, and why does Twilight think it's a bad thing for me to sniff girls' butts?"
There was a long silence.
Then, a soft giggle.
//Oh. Oh my. Oh. Heheh. Umm. Wow, I wasn't expecting that.// Fluttershy coughed to smother a laugh. //Okay, umm. Sorry. Okay. Spike? I know it's normal for you to want to sniff your friends' butts, and...and me and Twilight and Rarity and the other girls are all your friends now, but, well...// She paused. //Umm. For humans, butt-sniffing, well...it's something you only do with somebody you're gonna have puppies with. It's really, really not something you let just anybody do, even if they're good friends. Do you understand?//
Spike blinked. "Oh." His brow furrowed. "Oh. Oh man. I mean, I like Rarity, she's pretty and she smells nice, but...I don't think I want her to have my puppies. Umm, if I...if I could have puppies I mean." He started pacing on the bed. "So...so if I sniff the girls' butts, they're gonna think I wanna...make puppies?"
//Mm-hmm.//
"Oh. Okay. Thanks for clearing that up. You make a lot more sense than Twilight. Heh, funny, she's supposed to be the smart one."
"HEY!" Twilight cried.
Fluttershy giggled. //Glad I could clear that up. G'nite, Spike! G'nite Twilight!//
"Goodnight Fluttershy!" Twilight said.
"Nite, Fluttershy," Spike added as Twilight picked up her phone and ended the call.
"So, happy now?" Twilight asked.
"Yeah yeah," Spike said, rolling his eyes. "I get it now. No more sniffing human butts."
"Glad to hear it," Twilight said, shifting around into a comfortable position and going back to her book. Spike curled up on the end of the bed after making a few circles in place.
A few minutes later, he looked up at Twilight with one eye. "Hey Twilight?"
"Yeah, Spike?"
"How come when I throw up on something I'm saving for later, Mom picks it up and throws it away?"
Twilight sighed...
What, you thought this was gonna be about diamonds? 
Stats
Page generated in 0.03 seconds
Total duration
669 users online
987,256 hits today, 2,054,621 yesterday
FIMFiction
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
Designed and coded by knighty & Xaquseg - © 2011-2024
Follow & Support Us
Support us
SubStar
Chat!
Discord
Follow us
Twitter
MLP: Friendship is Magic® - © 2024 Hasbro Inc.®
Fimfiction is in no way affiliated with or endorsed by Hasbro Inc.®
Oh my God, that was hilarious. Thanks. I needed that
Okay, this was hilarious! How much more can you get out of Spike asking about normal dog behaviors that humans won't accept?
That is hilarious, cross culture for dogs and humans. For some reason, Spike the dog is just comedy gold no matter where I find him.
.............So discussing his balls and their absence can feel like the much less awkward conversation.
Fluttershy asking the exact same balls question got a smile out of me.
Why do dogs like Spike get affectionate when they see their owner after such a long time?
"Fluttershy warned me about this. This, umm...is this about, y'know, your..." She coughed. "Balls?"
I see what you did there :)
Also I really find it adorable that Spike calls Twi's parents Mom and Dad :D
I like the reference to Scribbler's fic. Very classy. Of course, he looked it up on the internet, so now Spike is able to Google.
Heaven help us all.
8473078
Dogs have no concept of how much time has passed since they last saw you, to the 3 hours and 3 years might as well be the same amount of time. Got a feeling now Spike understands time different from a normal dog. If Twilight has kept Spikes intellect from her family his no longer getting as excited will be suspicious.
Lol, this was perfect
That was unexpected.
8473078
8473135
It's because, unless it's a really stupid dog, they do have a concept of time and missed their friend/protector. Dogs understand the value of being in a pack, and it likely makes them more comfortable. Higher predators like dogs, cats, falcons, etc. benefit from a concept of time to better track the habits of their prey and cyclical changes in their environment. Studies that produced results to the contrary were likely flawed or testing really stupid, inbreed breeds. Not every dog is created equal, and testing the intelligence of animals is difficult.
8473078
The same reason humans do. They missed them.
8473135
Total bullshit. Dogs know time. They know if you've been gone too long. They know when it's bedtime and time to get up. If a regular, expected event doesn't happen, they get upset. If someone leaves the house or dies, they know.
Dogs are terribly smart.
8473199
You know just saying "that's a misconception" would have worked just fine. And no I don't know how dogs conceive time really, I'm not a dog.
SPINOFF SERIES TIME!!!
Seriously though, we need ALL the Spike asking questions about why dog societal norms aren't allowed in human society. Maybe even Spike being a translator for other pets of the group.
Well, this got a smile out of me. Thanks.
I suppose I could see Twilight not getting it, since it is a little niche, but laws requiring you to clean up after your dog are actually well-grounded in the fact that dog waste contains all manner of organisms that are dangerous to human health.
Coupled with the fact that dogs eat more protein and less fiber than cows and have a less efficient digestive tract means dog waste is actually a very poor fertilizer.
Leaving dog waste to do what it does provides city dwellers with no advantages whatsoever.
I loved this.
I work with dogs at my job, and we're at a stressful, busy time right now. There's almost thirty of them to take care of and very little time. I just got home ... I have six hours to sleep and then I have to be back really early in the morning ... I wasn't feeling the best about it.
But then I see this fic in my feed, and I remember I love those puppies. I can handle a little stress to see that they're okay.
As hilarious as this is, you'd expect Sci-Twi and dog Spike to have this conversation off-screen long before it would get to Spike sniffing Rarity's butt.
8473199
Agreed.
There are several stories out there about dog's owners who have died and the dog will stay at the grave site 24/7/365. They will literally waste away and die themselves because their master is gone. Family members have even tried to take the dogs home with them, but the first chance they get, they will return to their vigil at their master's grave.
Just look at the Futurama episode about Fry's dog if you want an example. It may have been a cartoon, but that one part was absolutely true.
Cats are pretty intelligent as well. When my grandmother passed away a few years ago, our cats knew something was wrong. They would barely eat, they would walk around our house looking for her, and they would behave in a very depressive manner.
Animals are more intelligent than we give them credit for.
8473416
Dog waste is a poor fertilizer, yes, but that isn't its beneficial role in the environment. It's vital to the survival and life cycle of numerous beneficial and fascinating insect species, who in turn are part of a healthy ecosystem.
8473475
Hachiko. 'Nuff said.
I see where you get your inspiration for this one. Might become a bandwagon.
"Where are my testicles, Twilight?" - Spike
Troll moment potential and living it!
No, I figured it would involve dogs.
8473617
Perhaps so, but that still doesn’t address the danger to human health posed by micro-organisms within the feces.
Is that danger reasonably all that great? 15,000 years of civilization would seem to indicate that it is not. But hey, what do I know? I’m not a politician or anything.
8474146
Not really, because other microorganisms eat THOSE microorganisms. The entire reason we have pooper scooper laws boils down to "we don't want dog turds on our nice clean grass". Which is ridiculous, but it's how city planners think.
Sometimes it's just a matter of knowing how to reach your audience. And not being so repulsed by the question that you can't even think straight; that helps too.
Darn it, now I want to see human Rarity discover she can speak to crystals.
8474235
Hm, well, I suppose you’ve got me with that one.
bummer for spike, the talking magic could have been able to be passed down to his pups
8473293
I would love that spinoff series. Dogs surely have lots of questions about our unknowable ways. 'Human! The blankets were wadded up so I could hump them, and you went and straightened them! Why must you ruin my plans?'
Ah, the beautiful thing of cultural differences. Though I have to say that Twilight was approaching this the wrong way - "just 'cause" is never a valid explanation to an inquisitive mind.
I love Fluttershy's explanation though, that was great
Hummm... That explains a lot... So THAT is why girls keep hitting me in the face.
I'm glad this didn't go down the Snowball path:
Twilight, a concrete sidewalk is not a meadow, it doesn't need fertilizer
I honestly find far more gross stepping on a dog turd 
... ... Butt sniffs... Welp, never thought I'd get a chance to use this video.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=QosSKRPtBGI
8473189
Speaking of really stupid dogs, there was this one back in Alaska that was wandering around in front of our house, obviously lost and confused. Big guy had a tag on, so we called the owner. Turned out his home was literally two houses over.
For bonus points, his name was Felson, due to being strong as a rock. Seems that wasn't the only trait he shared with rocks...