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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Absolutely loved this chapter, and I'm happy to see that fluttershy has taken an appearance in the story
388050 yeah, to be honest I had to skim a little. Heck I didn't even know some of the fetish stuff in that story existed, and I'm not exactly sheltered. But if you get past those spots, it does deliver a good story.
Now, on to your next chapter! (perfect timing too, I just finished the rest last night.)
Update: oh my god love triangle. I hope this doesn't go terrible wrong. Dat lime! Very good job on this, I can't wait to see more. I couldn't help but picture Peter Griffon when Rarity told 'me' to "Go on." lol
Well there is just one thing I have to disagree with. If this was me I would not feel to freaked out being with both Fluttershy and Rarity. In fact id probably be having a mental fiesta. But still a good chapter, now...GIVE MORE!
I can't tell if you put out this update earlier, or if I've had a fast week. Whatever the case, I'm happy to see another chapter out.
I really happy with how you decided to go with this Rarity and Fluttershy thing. I have to regretfully admit that I wasn't sure if you were gonna pull it off properly, but it seems the only thing you did was cement my thoughts on how well you write conflict in stories. To which I must say that I love how well you wrote the conflict included in this side plot. From the conflict between the characters to the inner conflict of the characters themselves, it's all very wonderfully written. If I must mention something negative, it's the fact that Fluttershy, Rarity, and our protagonist got seemingly used to Fluttershy's acceptance of their offer very quickly. I mean that she accepts, they walk home, she's there now. Somehow that feels a tiny bit empty/anti-climactic. I understand why there's no more internal conflict in this part, and that's mostly because they've been friends for long and also have thought about all of this before hand and they accept it, but that doesn't exactly come out in the writing of this particular scene. Or maybe that's just me.
All in all, an excellent and emotionally heavy and well done part with great character and plot development. Keep on rocking, Drefsab. Keep on rocking.
PS: I also liked the jewel shop owners character and backstory. Both were great. Also you gave a great reason why it'll take time to make the necklace.
I really like the idea on the marquis its gunna be some fun to work out ... gunna be the 1st none pony thing I've worked on in a while
also the "Most striking though, are his eyes -- they're silver" thanks for the shout out (in a way ) new eye color to work on! ...oops spoilers!
Great story but as with every other time there's no Chapter after my first thought is always the same
"AHHHHHHHHH I CAN'T WAIT FOR THE NEXT CHAPTER FUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!"
lol
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Heya, Amppi. I'm glad you liked the chapter. If you don't mind, I'd like to ask you about your one problem with the chapter.
The nice thing about writing this online is that I can always go in and change or edit a story if need be, so I want to ask if you can expand upon that a little. See, I actually thought I was dragging out the nervousness of the protagonist and Rarity too much. I mean, they'd been talking about it, or thinking about it, since the events of the last chapter, so all I wanted to do was cement the idea that it was a decision that wasn't made lightly. I think Rarity's relief at the whole situation being taken care of (at least in its current form) came across decently.
So, that said, if you have any way I could perhaps expand upon things, please let me know. I can always go in and add another section.
Thanks as always, Amppi
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You can ask as many questions as you want. I love answering.
I'm just saying that compared to how nervous they were and how heavy the decision was, they are happy with how things ended up a little bit too easily. It's kinda hard to explain and I hope I'm not messing anything up here, but with how unsure everybody was on how everything could end up, it kinda feels too easy. If that makes any sense. I guess how you could improve is that you could define how the characters are feeling about how it all turned up compared to hard it was and the nervousness. It kinda feels like that, now that the situation has been resolved, they drop all the internal conflict immediately. The moment they arrive home we stop seeing any sings of the worry and conflict they felt. I'm not saying you dragged on too much, and the relief did come across, but the transition could use a little bit of work.
I guess you could imagine a box of black that represents how troubled they are, and next to it a white box, that represents how not troubled they are.
And as they become less troubled, the black turns to gray, and then to white. So the transition is represented by gray.
So you have just enough black and just enough white, but just a little bit not enough gray. If that makes any sense.
Anyway, that's the best way I can put it. Again, if you don't want to change anything and think it's just right, by all means don't. The story's wonderful and I don't want you to change it because of my personal opinion if means that it's somehow intruding or gonna make it worse to you or everybody else.
If you wanna change it the do so. I'm not stopping you.
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Hmm...I'll take a look at it again and see what I can do. So, just some expanding upon how their current situation is making them feel, right? I can do that. I was planning on going into that in the next chapter, actually. Still, I don't want any part of my story to feel unfinished or rushed, so I'm gonna sit down and do what I can tonight to add some things in.
You're saying the transition from "I'm worried" to "I'm okay now" is too abrupt, is that it? Maybe I was just tired and wanted to finish that part, lol. I'll go back and fix it in a while.
Don't worry about intruding, your critiques and compliments are very high on my list, probably at the top, in fact. You've given me so much feedback that's helped my story, and I really do appreciate it. I'll let you know what changes I make. Thanks again!
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Thanks, guys. I really appreciate the kind words! I think this was my favorite chapter next to chapter 3 (that one's still my favorite). The whole Rarity/Protagonist/Fluttershy situation certainly has a lot of potential, so I'm still deciding how that's all gonna work out. You may want to keep an eye out for the next chapter, though...I haven't included a clop scene in a while.
I'M JUST SAYIN'.
Next chapter is gonna be heavily Cashmere focused with the continuing Rarishy drama added in, because it's too fun to not write it, lol.
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I know that's what most of us would think, but from a story standpoint, it doesn't lend itself well if the protagonist is like "lol sweet". Think of it this way...you've been with a girl for a long time, and you're comfortable with your life. Suddenly, this added element of potential drama comes along, and now you're dealing with a complicated situation, full of conflicting emotions.
That's what I was trying to get across.
But yeah, I'd be cool with Rarity and Fluttershy...lol
390366 clop or no clop I'm excited to read more
390366 Actually id like all of the mane six and the princesses to be sharing me Kinky as hell
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Okay, quick update. I added another two pages (roughly, it's slightly more) to the last couple of sections, so hopefully things flow more naturally now.
Also, HOLY HELL what is with the ugly new text? Ugh. It looks TERRIBLE.
Edit: Oh, wait, I get it, lol. April 1st. I'm a dumbass. All of my character names have changed to "Posey" and "Sparkler". Oh, and Comic Sans. Comic Sans EVERYWHERE.
Ohyou.jpg.
391391 It's good to know that my critique is being appreciated, thanks.
I understand it would be expanded upon in the next chapter, but it would be quite jarring if he's worried, now he's not worried, and in the next chapter he's worried again. All I'm saying is that it's good to have smooth transitions.
I read through the last two scenes and it's a lot more clear what they're feeling and the protagonists reaction is a lot more realistic when you think about that he's been in a relationship for over a year know, and now just including somepony else into such an intimate part of your life isn't going to be that easy. Good job on that. It also flows a lot smoother too.
So as long as you keep things constant enough for it to feel natural with smooth transitions, you're gonna be just fine.
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Thank you, I should really strive to write less at 5 in the morning, lol. Good to see the changes worked out, that's the nice thing about writing a fic online. Hooray for editing any time you like!
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And hooray for sharing critique and opinions effortlessly!
I just ran through the entire thing to date, and wow. I enjoy long chapters in general, and yours are really well done. The clop is non-gratuitous, the story is believable and engaging, and our protagonist is well-developed while still being open-ended enough for an audience-insert. I particularly like how he thinks with his "big head", and avoids the excesses of being either the "he-man ladies' man" or "quivering mass of jello" while retaining the better qualities of both ends of the spectrum, rather than just being bland. Many authors would have had our protagonist drooling over the idea of Fluttershy moving in, especially after his joke at the grand opening of "Elephant Excretions" (oh, Rainbow; I LOL'd!), but his actual reaction was much more believable based on the characterization. A bird in the hand (who he truly loves) and all that. There's a good balance of comedic and dramatic elements, too. I really wish the tracking and favorite functions were still separate, so I could do both, because this story is definitely one of my top favorites. Looking forward to more, and thanks for the story so far!
[Added after reading recent comments]
I didn't see what things were like before your latest update (re: amppi), but the way you've written the chapter's ending as of now seems quite believable. On the one hand, our protagonist doesn't need to melt down immediately, but on the other hand he's still worried, and yet on the gripping hand things are going better than expected, at least for now. Plus, it's oh-dark-thirty, it's been a stressful day, nopony else is panicking right now, etc. Well handled, IMO.
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Thanks, Zon! I think I've run out of ways to say "thanks for the kind words", so I'm gonna say it anyway: Thanks for the kind words. lol. It's always good to see someone enjoying my story. Much appreciated, my friend
its snowing as of 04/03/12 somewhere in the middle of colorado....I regret nothing if you know were I live I cant make my usual pixel-vomit for a bit i have to prep my place for the cold weather, sping in colorado one day its 70+ degrees then next its 10 below freezing...
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Heya Bual, glad you're enjoying the story.
I didn't really bother with the Spike stuff because, well, I don't like Spike. He's always been annoying to me. So whether he gave up on his feelings or not once the protagonist's relationship became known, it doesn't matter to the story much. In the end, he's still just a kid. It may be a cute little puppy love kinda thing, but I find it hard to believe Rarity would ever take a relationship with him seriously.
Seeing as how he's, you know, a kid and all. That'd be kinda weird.
I may have him in later, though, because seeing Spike getting pissed off about the lack of attention would be pretty funny.
Trying to make the protagonist's relationship with Rarity feel real and believable has been my number one goal from the start, so I tend to focus a lot of my effort on that. I've read some clopfics in my time, and the vast, vast majority of them have been a disappointment. Just kinda "here's two characters, yada yada, AND THEN THEY FUCKED. THE END."
I wanted to expand that into a real, breathing relationship. Much better story that way, and much more engaging.
I don't really see the "graphic and intense" stuff either, to be honest. I think if someone had ever read a single clopfic before my own pseudo-clopfic story, they'd see that it's pretty tame compared to a lot of stuff out there. I don't delve into bizarre fetishes, I don't use porn-site descriptions for anatomy or sexual situations, and I don't write three paragraph descriptions for what's happening with various bodily fluids. I want the clop scenes to feel real and intimate, yeah, and I'll use SOME descriptive language (because it's more fun to read that way), but my stuff is way tame comparatively.
Well thanks to your story I was late for work (That WAS a oxymoron for me and my bosses when it came to my record), I started reading this later in afternoon, and one chapter led into another which lead to "CRAP! I'M LATE!" as my cell rang around chapter 4, I have since read all of this... and My God... If it was possible I would hug you until Fluttershy's fly out of you.
While Rarity isn't my favorite pony by any means, You still managed to have me by the balls wanting to read more! So I have Faved and uped and I'm seriously looking forward to the notification emails for future chapters.
Dang, I was really enjoying this story, it's written really well. But I just can't stomach the whole Fluttershy thing. And it seems like its a bit out of character for Rarity to have this thing for Fluttershy. I don't know, I just always saw Rarity as being concerned about being upright and proper, so it seems weird for her to be in a lesbian/polygamous relationship...
Drefsab i'll admit it, you are damn good at, i don't even know how to say it, putting a story together without forcing it, and you give it details that work perfectly. Good job, i love this story
I'm all for this but, how the hell is he going to be able to marry rarity and they still be with fluttershy?
Uh-oh... 1 rare gem engagement jewelry piece.....and two females....this could go ANYWHERE!
hmmm just make the necklace into one of those two broken half's make a whole one....cashmere cant exploit this as a scandal right?? since its culturally accepted..or is it, I dont even so many fimfic lore's in my head I cant keep em straight
Not sure what to think of this development.......it's not bad, but I can see 'my' point.
So... rarity's a swinger? If i'm using the term right...
I would have used that gem to pay off the debts, then ask Twilight to help me find another gem to make jewelry out of that, maybe that's just my inner Latino speaking.
Damn I was really loving this story up until it Fluttershy joined the relationship, nothing against her but I was hoping the relationship would be monogamous with Rarity but it's your I really enjoyed the story and good luck with the rest of the story.
Love Seargnt
2768019 or your left brain talking.
This is about my 3rd or 4th time reading through this story (Yeah I like it that much :pinkie happy:) and I just noticed this
Reminded me of this song
I love this story
A three way relationship with Rarity@Fluttershy very interesting.
This is the first fic that I've found that points this out. What happens on the other side of the planet? Do they know about Celestia and Luna? Or do they think that their universe is heliocentric (centred around the sun) like ours?
This always befuddles me.
Another really excellent chapter. You have a really good knack for creating compelling new characters. I love what you did with Aegis and how one can perform a trade even if it isn't their specific talent.
The way you present things with such detail is exquisite. The little world building elements are fantastic as well, such as the Seabreeze Sapphire's magical influence, the art of cutting magically infused gems and the consequences of failure to cut it properly. It all feels so wonderfully meshed together.
I'm also interested to see how Fluttershy's involvement turns out. I can't say I was 100% onboard with the idea, but by the end of this chapter, it had me much more convinced that it could work.
I can't say thank you enough. This is such a great story to read and learn the finer points of storytelling.
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Gotta say, after rereading this chapter. I still feel the same as the comment I wrote half a year ago. It's interesting seeing my comments again after so long; To see how well my feelings and assumptions hold up after some time has passed. I'm so thankful that you are writing such quality stories on this site Dref. I hope you keep writing for quite a while yet.
Huh.. interesting you mention Stonewall. If it weren't for the ponies being confused by what he was, I'd say this story takes place in the same universe... of course it could be simply that any records of Tercio were stricken at some point. Either way it amused me as my first thought was, "Bastards so damned tough he said screw you to the Reaper and kept on living."
5423076 This is a little late, but i've seen some thoughts in stories about this. I tend to agree with them. I don't think they actually "raise" and "lower" them. I think more what they do is use a spell that helps bring it up, then sets it on a pre-determined path through out the day/night. And when they lower them, they do the same that sends them around the other side of the planet. It just happens to be one of the different theories on it that I tend to think makes the most sense. The reason they do it is because it most likely takes an enormous amount of magic, as detailed at one point in the Journal of the two sisters (Or Diary, I can't remember the name of it) Before apparently it took a large amount of unicorns, then Star Swirl came to the two and asked them to do it because of their more powerful magical properties.
Oh, so Spike does appear in this story, just in a flashback so far.
Also, I can totally see Rarity being able to pull that cart, she is strong to drop-kick Applejack without any problem whatsoever.
A military man with an axe to grind, and time on his hands . . . Cashmere is going to go down messily.