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Amazing Chapter man. i was on the edge of my seat the whole time i was reading. I cant wait for MOAR! Also Congrats on another feature dude.
The door scene was rather funny. Quite the fight you had here. Not something you often read in a romance-fic.
If I recall being in dangerous situations can lead to a person being more willing to be intimate. I can actually see Fluttershy and the guy kissing again after that fight.
Just a question: Why bother putting the disclaimer at the top? Wouldn't someone need to read the previous chapter to know what's going on in this chapter, anyways?
Just nitpicking.
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/shrug_Luna_apple.png I wanted you to break his wings... but it was a good resolution to that problem. I wonder if we'll ever see slate again.
I apologize that lately I haven't been writing these comments/reviews/nuisances with as much constructive content in them as I've done previously(At least in my opinion. I've been really disappointed with these). It's mostly because I've spent this summer in a cabin next to a lake. There's no heating system at all, and the walls are made out of stone. In conclusion, what ever temperature it's outside, it's always fucking cold in the inside. It's sorta hard to concentrate.
Anyway, on with the show!
Time to add "Can write interesting and exciting fight scenes" to your resume.
Seriously. That was one well written fight scene. I was sitting at the edge of my seat while eating my fingernails while reading that. I'm also surprised at how much disgust I can feel for Slate. You know you've managed to write a very effective asshole/stalker antagonist when the reader feels pure, undeniable satisfaction when said antagonist get's beat up. I also liked Slates reaction to his broken leg. Not just because he broke his leg, but also because it was a very realistic reaction one might have to a broken leg. Not that I know. The biggest damage I've got up until now was, when I was seven, I managed to chop off the tip of my left middle finger with nothing but a door. That was one sharp door...
Anyway. An exquisite chapter. Not only did it manage to be romantic and dramatic, it managed to be exciting to boot.
Keep on writing, Dref. Or else I'll use my door, and won't leave you any fingers to write with...
Just kidding! Wouldn't do that to my favorite artist.
thedailyeater.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/10/holy_shit_this_is_awesome-283x300.jpg
I was honestly expecting Slate to either die, or be dragged away screaming in rage, but I didn't expect him to apologise. I'm not sure if I like that or not.
Other than that small gripe, another excellently executed chapter.
Woo,awesome chapter, very well done, hope for more
Hey Drefsab, as you could probably guess from the username, your story (well, and another adventure-like one but that's a detail) is the reason I made this account. This is the best fic I've ever read and I've been following you since Ch5 but just now got around to making the account.
</fanboy>
To point out a small error, "fixed up and on his feet within a few days".
Ponies don't have feet
Edit: Also, "Rarity's never been the best liar, especially when she has to do so on her feet."
Not as major, but just felt like pointing it out.
High octane fight scene in a romance? Yes!
And how about some how protag X Rarity action next chapter?
That fight scene was immensely satisfying
intense chapter wow got a nice mellow chapter next to wined down after that? i could use one
*brain slug* "I concur"
epic fight scene my friend! moustache!
!
got my art beat by a mile ill give you that keep painting a pretty picture with words man!
Shame that Slate didn't get beaten up even more, but it gave badass!Rarity got a chance to shine again. Excellent work on developing such a loathed character that draws such an emotional reaction by the reader, by the way.
Oh and wouldn't Slate also be guilty of harming an endangered/protected species, and disobeying a direct order from Celestia? That's got to carry heavy penalties as well, right?
So much bucking win. And so much creepy stalker shit it aint even funny. Next up, Fluttershy fun times.
I would have broken slates wings. Well...I probably would have done alot of things that can't be said due to how psychoticly violent I can be with my imagination. Trust me it wouldn't be pretty.
795035
Thanks, missed that one somehow. Corrected with the fury of a thousand wombats.
795169
Hmm...good point. I threw it in after I was finished. Removed now.
795574
See, this is what happens when I sit at a computer for 8 hours and try to crank out a chapter. I make silly mistakes like that. Though the second instance you cited was intentional. If you notice, the whole thing was "especially when she has to do so on her feet. Hooves. Whatever."
It was meant to be a joke.
I'm flattered that you'd create an account just for me, glad I could be an inspiration and all that
795093
I thought it was pretty funny, always good to mix in some comedy in times of drama.
795206
Heya Amppi. Roughing it, huh? Well, in a manner of speaking. Either way, glad to see you back to your old self.
The fight scene with Slate was something I spent a long time trying to come up with. In fact, most of the delay in this chapter's release was due to writing and re-writing the scene a few times. I'm very happy with how it came out.
Speaking of Slate, he's been a fun antagonist to write for. I still prefer Cashmere and her bitchy-yet-likeable attitude, but a pure antagonist was a nice change of pace. And let's face it, he had it coming. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy writing descriptions of him getting wrecked by our protagonist.
Fight scenes? In MY romance fic? It's more likely than you think
Also, be careful about doors in the future. They're always out to get you.
ALWAYS.
795481
i18.photobucket.com/albums/b142/DMapes/Engieapproves.png
795512
It wasn't a true apology. Like Rarity said: The only thing he's sorry for is getting caught.
795907
Mayyyyybe. We do need a wind-down chapter after this one...
796412
I accept your mustache offer, good sir, and raise you a top hat.
796494
That he would, though that would have to wait until a proper trial begins.
796540
Hey, I said there was more Fluttershy coming, and I meant it. Very soon...
796628
Hey, you got the reference! Awesome! Yes, it's one of my favorite books.
Yet another awesome chapter! You continue to impress with the way things turn out to be compared to what I thought was going to happen, you good sir have talent!
Great job on another wonderful chapter! Looking forward to the next!
Yay! Another update. This is still one of the better written Human In Equestria fics. That fight scene was great and there actual tension and in many ways it reminded me of Alfred Hitcock's Rear Window. You have a character snooping around an apartment looking for evidence while a second part acts as bait. As for the character of Slate I'd really like to see the guy get psychological help in prison. Oh and kudos on giving some character to Cashmere instead of having her be a douche bag for the sake of being a douche bag. Fluttershy was probably the most dangerous pony there; She got a dragon to back down, stared down a cockatrice, wrestled a grizzly bear and told Iron Will "no" which who in perspective is probably just as tall as their human friend. Last there was Pipe Wrench who continues to act as both a voice of reason and a friend. You also make his really likeable as a boss because of how he treats his employees and his years of sage like practical wisdom. He'd barrow your car and give it back to you, but not before filing up the tank. Definitely my favorite character in the story.
Minor Nitpick: The only thing I question is that the main character misses things like video games and certain technology yet Ponyville has some kind of arcade as seen on the Hearts and Hooves day episode. Just saiyan.
Yes........ that is all.
Thanks for the Update!! My mind was going all over the place on how this would pay-off. This chapter especially has put me at the edge of my seat. Seriously, if things get too suspenseful for me I literally have to leave and take 10 second breaks. Like @thewaffler said, it really got the "Rear Window" vibe to it. My thoughts exactly.
Now I wonder what you'll do with Slate if he gets one more appearance. In my imagining of how this would pay off, I thought up a scenario of our human having a reserved conversation with Slate at a bar. Restraining his anger he gives him advanced warning in a intimidatingly humorous way, mentioning his training in the army and what he could do with his hands alone. Now I see that isn't going to happen, but I still imagine our human character will have his final word with Slate. That would make more sense having released his rage and instead of intimidating, try once more of reaching out to him.
I read a very insightful journal entry "Despair is an Evil" written by a friend on Deviantart. Though a Christian conservative don't let that get in the way of expecting Stone Age mentality. He's one of my leading influences in storytelling, especially film, insights into my own religion as well, and above he was the one who introduced me to "Brony-ism." And I thank him for that.
In his journal, while apologizing for letting his political arguments slip in from time to time, about how every outlook and ideology pivots around a person either having 'hope' or 'despair' over himself and the rest of mankind. His view about the origins of conflict is caused by losing faith and hope over 'love thy neighbor' and instead think 'don't do sinful things' that leads us not to expect any other person's best interest, calling others inferior who must be corrected or punished.
How does that relate to Slate's current obsessions and grudges? Maybe that he could be the opposite end of the coin for the human, the key difference being that one chose hope and the other despair. In fact the same topics he could discuss with Slate are in fact the same I entertained he'd talk about in the bar, except with real sympathy this time.
I was thinking about his threats he'd throw at Slate. Like talk about his training and experiences in the army. Nothing extraordinarily magical, but actually in fact more grim with more grisly detail. "Because how dexterous our hands are, we have a capacity to imagine the horror and beauty we can create in great detail." Too make him sh*t bricks without lifting a finger.
But simultaneously he'd mentioned about his despair. Instead should mention about his world is magic-less, without the benefit of an interactive deity casting an aura of positive influence, a bleak pit of dumb luck and chance. So he's no stranger to something as contagious as despair, but having things such as family, it makes hope all the more worth clinging too.
But even in such a paradise, he fell into that depression. That while viewing the gorgeous life of Equestria, he'd secretly admits he grew contempt for this world and at times entertains the thought of bringing Earth's miseries so they could feel how he does, using the term 'making a friend of horror.' Which boils down to "If I can't be happy, no one else should be." But he knows how vain that would be, that although he came from a far lesser worthy place he shouldn't wreck this 'heaven in the galaxy' that he knows.
Not saying that you ought to make it so black and white, because you haven't even in Equestria. Your writing excels a lot, better understanding our plight of being 'human' than others who 'despair' by idolizing 'ponies'(still based off human traits) and calling ourselves irredeemable. So don't you start.
Core point of discussion with Slate would be that his selfishness, likely coming from being neglected love from his past, is what defined relationship with Rarity and others. He doesn't know how to give, expects everything is a given, causing this pit of despair that grew in him to take rejection the wrong way. "If I can't be happy, no one deserves to be happy."
The ultimate difference, he'd state, between Slate and him is that instead of viewing Rarity as a property to serve his needs, he views her as his savior and that he owes her his life. Selfish desire <<< selfless service. Her happiness over his own. "Don't destroy her, cause that destroys me... even you still."
What he should tell Slate is that maybe one day, Slate will have his own 'savior.' But he won't find it by destroying another person's. Thus have hope still, instead of despairing and coveting others. That ironically love is more powerful when you don't expect or not deserved.
Oh, dear. I've taken it too far. Hope I make sense, despite the countless edits. Such a deliberate message that it could take him out of character, with a chance you'll never plan to write such a scene. I hope I haven't gotten to preachy, especially about my Christianity. But do know me and my friends come from the school of sharing the message 'God Loves You' rather than the policing one 'Stop Sinning.'
796634
sjuonlinenews.files.wordpress.com/2008/09/vault-boy.jpg
Please no fluttershy clop <\3 I mean he's planning on proposing to rarity once he gets the necklace done. Or at least please don't allow fluttershy to reach the same level that rarity is at... I can see her just staying with them until she meets another stallion/mare but I don't think her becoming another life partner for him is very realistic.
798321
As of this point in time, there are no further plans to bring Slate back. His story, as far as I'm concerned, is done. He's been caught, and now he has to pay for what he's done.
As for, well...the rest of what you wrote...I honestly am not sure what you're getting at. Are you saying that the protagonist, at one point, wanted to make others feel like shit because he also felt like shit? That doesn't fit the character, I'm afraid.
As for the talk of 'saviors' and such -- I am really not one for writing characters who are preachy. I am not religious in the least, nor have I ever been. Thus, I feel no need to introduce such grand, sweeping sentiments amongst my current characters. Our protagonist is not a preacher or a self-proclaimed prophet or a philosopher. He's a regular Joe who ended up in a place completely foreign to him, and he's trying to make the best of it.
In the real world, people who barely know each other don't talk in such broad, philosophical terms. At least, most people don't. Considering that I'm trying to make Equestria feel as 'real' as it can be, despite the existence of living deities and magic and such, those ideas are far too vast for a fic that is primarily about romance with a cartoon horse.
Slate despises the protagonist and Rarity. Hates them. He stalked Rarity for years and attempted to kill the protagonist when he was finally confronted. Such a person, even if that person is a pony, is not going to calmly sit down with his worst enemy and talk to one another like a couple of sunday school kids. Slate made his choice long ago, and now he has to live with it.
Rest assured, so long as I write, I will never introduce politics or religion in my story. Such a thing ultimately feels divisive to a great majority of readers, and no one comes here to read about my political views; they come here to read my story.
Of course, I could be reading your post completely wrong, but that's just what came across to me.
798369
I can't say anything without giving out massive spoilers for the future, but the situation will eventually resolve itself.
798443 Well, then I've written all wrong. Many apologies.
Of course I don't address such sweeping proclamations and utmost convictions. Just curious how far he goes to believe in them, even as a Joe.
Well that's fine, there's infinite life stories of people who cross paths with each other and all of them will never see the others' resolved.
In what other words would you state him starting a new life thanks to Rarity? I never meant 'being saved' to sound religious, just sounded more loving than 'substantially improve.'
Not him actually deciding 'This is what I'll do!' course of action, just a liter of 'what ifs' that would plague anyone's depression.
No one in my life speaks only like an advanced dictionary either, but that doesn't immediately halt asking "What do we do?" and "Why?" in immediate circumstances.
Leading you to think I suggest that every moral and course of action must point to religious devotion and political dogma, and have it hammered to gain true worth, truly makes me feel embarrassed. Like I said, you likely never plan to be too profound. Me, I can't help but entertain thoughts all the way in every direction.
Forgive me, I've articulated it all wrong. Was just stating my true feelings on the matter and wondering about your character's too, never wanted to preach.
Fighting? In a romance fic? IT WAS FUCKING AMAZING. This song was playing on my head while I was reading it.
Breaking bones... I know how to do that in a way more unpleasant than the one written here but I still hate the sound it makes.
Motherfucking Slate got what he deserved, everything looked "pretty normal" until the tissues part. And yeah, even though Pipe said he was a moron, I still can't believe he couldn't suspect what was happening. And the guards were complete idiots, couldn't catch a pegasus with a broken leg that almost murdered the trio. They are exactly like the Mexican Federal Police. I still can't believe a murder attempt wasn't added to the charges against that idiot. Thanks a lot for the scene man. *Slow Clap*
I still don't know why Fluttershy's interactions with the protagonist are hotter than Rarity's They are awkwardly adorable and innocent. I can't tell what's going on your head for the next chapter, but I'm sure as hell I won't miss it when you update.
798766
Don't fret it, it's the internet, it can be hard to accurately get your thoughts across in text. I understand.
As far as our protagonist goes, I've never pictured him as someone who believes in fate or destiny or any of that stuff. He's very...practical. He may love and respect Rarity to the ends of the Earth for saving him, but that's been built up by a year and a half of a tried-and-tested relationship. He's definitely starting a new life, though. No doubt about it.
799173
Actually, I thought the guards did quite well. They had him locked down -- as much as you can be in the air, anyway -- for a good while, and it was only a last-ditch desperation move by Slate that shook them off his tail for a fraction of a second...which was all he needed for his final charge. They still got their man. Or stallion, rather.
Slate ain't exactly the most logical pony in the world. He's been worshiping/hating Rarity for the better part of two years, and she suddenly appears at his door one day? That's like his dream come true. A sick, twisted dream born of obsession and jealousy, but a dream none the less. He's a little 'out there'.
Not many waifu-romance nonsense fics have fight scenes, it was pretty fun to write
Glad you enjoyed it!
799725 Oh OK then, You made an amazing character, you just showed how unpredictable he can be, Cashmere ain't nothing compared to him (thank goodness), for a moment I thought that he could have escaped, oh man that would've been awful for the protagonist mainly, after all, a dead man can't protect a lady. Well done man, you really know how to keep someone in suspense.
Also, the door part...
weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/what-the-fuck-man.jpg
when i got the mental image of slates room
i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/099/660/shit-just-got-real.jpg
when slate came home
So I wonder what cashmere has cooking in her cauldron of evil. Also, why you contiue to tease me with Fluttershy
I haven't commented much recently, but I'm still here and still greatly enjoying the ride. Just wanted to say thanks, Drefsab. Even if you do disgust me with your ketchup-hating ways.
799173 His leg was broken, not his wings, just sayin
Epic chapter, waiting patiently for the next one
810735
No no, he's a gray pegasus. Though his mane is close to a rouge sort of color.
Oh. Oh, you mean rogue. I see now.
811426
I work with what I'm given, and what I'm given is a show that is (ostensibly) for young girls. A show that must be kept G rated. Thus, when Rarity or whoever makes a boast about defeating Nightmare Moon, or Discord, or Chrysalis, you have to suspend your disbelief for a little while. OF COURSE they weren't huge fights.
It's how you spin those moments into boast-worthy achievements that makes the dialogue work. If nothing else, Rarity was in a big-ass brawl with a bunch of changelings. That counts for something. And yes, they'd already faced Chrysalis. I mentioned the changelings in that paragraph. In my head-canon, this story takes place a few years after the events of the show, at least up until the point we've reached so far.
Everything she claims is true; it's subjectively saying "yeah, well, you didn't do anything, who cares" that can taint your view. I don't regret writing that moment, and I would never consider changing it. It serves its purpose to show that Rarity isn't a damsel in distress or a shrinking blossom.
799173
At your last part, i agree but I think that's a case of "I can has? I can has!" "nope" "...but I WANTS!". ok that was rather vague. It's constantly getting teased by this innocent and adorable little pegasus but nothing other than deep kisses happening and the promise of adorable yet really hot flutter fun coming "soon"(TM). You tend to want what you can't have more than what you already do which is why i really appreciate the few Rarity scenes Drefs does put in despite him making it obvious we're "missing" a lot more of them.
798369
... alright, I see your point. I suppose it's a little up in the air for me though. TBH, Fluttershy's part seemed like a chink in our protagonist's armor that would have been exploited as part of a slander scheme. No one likes "two-timers" and by the time they assure everyone it was all consensual, the damage would be done even if some of it could be repaired. Flutters would ether be seen as the man(stallion?)-stealer, our protagonist would be seen as a cheater, and Rarity would be troubled by her lovers' distress and trying to absolve the thing. The immediate damage to Fluttershy might be too much and cause her to hide from the mean ponies who are protective of their stallions. The thing is that I had expected this from Slate because of the potential pity factor and backfire when Rarity did clear it up would be something Cashmere might predict even if it is slightly less obvious. Now it seems more likely that this will either be a jealousy problem or a random stallion/mare will come by and conveniently take care of her which feels a little... cheap. Like a potential problem/conflict was set up and then accomplished nothing due to it just quietly taking care of itself.
811935
I considered involving Fluttershy in Slate's little pic ordeal, but ultimately decided against it. Slate caught our protagonist and Rarity in an act of intimacy; he wasn't looking for Fluttershy, and as far as he knows, Fluttershy is just a friend they brought with them. His two hated/obsessed-over targets were right there, and that's what he focused on.
Trust me, there was a reason I didn't include her. Fluttershy's part in this has yet to fully play out, but I've got some ideas kicking around. Remember when I said that it would resolve itself eventually? I meant that. Rest assured, your fears about it being rushed or ending in a cop-out are unwarranted. This is me we're talking about...when have I ever rushed anything? Shit, I'm at 200,000 words and the story's not even done yet! All good things in time, Starfield.
812232
In my defense, I had also thought slate would be a bit more long term than he was. I don't dislike what you did, it was fun and a little exciting at the end there but I figured he was going to be a pain while cashmere was also doing her thing and it would cause for some big hurt, almost bad end, and then they somehow pull through right at the end (possibly with Fluttershy's or somepony elses help).
I would also like to take this time to ward you against a "perfect" end. Something that is all good and happy but with the promise of other minor troubles in the future but rar-"me" (possibly rarshy-"me"?) having the strength of getting through their previous trials with them and an optimistic view on the comparatively small trials ahead. You know, realistic life happy rather than storybook happy. Just figured I'd get that thought in your head while you think about where all this is going (even if most is planned already), mostly as a precaution because I feel that kind of end might also feel a little cheap and I have no idea what you're planning there.
815940
I appreciate the concern, but you're throwing out a lot of "this ending would suck" type of comments before, you know...the story has ended. There's still a ways to go with this story. Ultimately every decision I make won't be able to please everyone, but I always try to make things as entertaining and emotionally investing as possible for the majority of the people who read this story.
815986
K, just fleeting opinion with an odd mix of paranoia striking there... I just got done reading a series of unsettling or badly written stories which made me all... weird. I'll focus on something else now.
Entered the apartment
First he was like
Then he was like
Then he was like
Then slate came back insulting rarity and he was like
Then he threw the door open and POW RIGHT IN THE KISSER like a boss
Well done sir I would kiss your feet but I hear that's unhealthy.
We await your next chapter with excitement and fear
Really good chapter Drefasb. Kept me at the edge of my seat for the longest time. Sophistication and Betrayal almost feel like a soap opera, a really excellently well done soap opera/episodic tv series that manages to captivate a strong small cast and give a better limelight to Rarity. She may not be my favorite pony (hell if I know for sure which one of them is), but I've always held in high regard and this story makes me absolutely gush over her. Fluttershy is also well portrayed and you are one of the few authors whose done a good job at introducing her to romance and getting her to come out of her shell in a believable way. I feel bad that I've waited this long to comment on it, but I've been so busy enjoying this story among other things, I'm glad I finally have the time. I'll definitely be here till the very end, regardless if others try to complain about the possible direction for the ending. Were not anywhere near it, but when it arrives, we'll all cross that bridge.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=GmNVdZlmUro
7:10
nuff said..
"Fuck me? FUCK ME?! No, no, Slate. Fuck YOU, you sick bastard......"
Almost pulled a Joe Pesci there.
Gah! Emotions are going all over the place!! Love this story such a good read, can't wait for the next chapter.
Shit dawg, I loved this story. I hope your troubles get sorted out so I have some more entertainment to look forward too C:
Best wishes, Foppy.
I wonder when the next chapter is comin' out, and when the marriage will happen. Not to mention the date with Fluttershy.